Chapter Two – Blood Sex Shame

(Hi all!  Thanks so much for the reviews.  All characters © Katsuhiro Otomo except Akio, Sento, Mari and Shimura who are mine.)

Kai stood outside the classroom, his hands in his pockets.  Grey light oozed through the windows around him, and rain-patter, mushy and hissing, growled under the chatter and shouts of people hanging around in the corridors.

            He was glad the others hadn't come in.  They'd be here now, watching him and hollering Kai, come on, what the hell are you doing?

            He glanced at the clock.  Eight-thirty-one.  Time already.

            "What're you doing, teacher's pet?"

            He ignored the caller, and focused on the chipped paint of the door frame. 

            "Hey, Kaisuke, we're talking to you."

            No shit, Kai thought but didn't say.  Now he did wish his friends were there.  Not that he was scared of these jerks or anything, but it was a pain being pushed around all the time, and that didn't happen if you were in a gang.

            They encircled him, and he felt himself shrink back against the notice board, and hated the sudden fear wriggling in his stomach.

            "Did you get your jailbait back yesterday?"

            "Is that why you're waiting around here?  Did you get caught fucking on the roof?  Ooh, are you in trouble?"

            "Or did he find someone new while he was down in stir?"

            "Get bent," Kai whispered, and then wished he'd chosen a different insult as they all hooted with laughter.

            Suddenly the classroom door opened.

            "Kaisuke, come in.  The rest of you, clear off."

            They went, sneering, shoving Kai with their shoulders or kicking at him as they left.  "We'll get you later –"

            Kai pushed himself off the wall, and swallowed. 

            Find someone new while he was down in stir?

            He didn't care.  He didn't care, remember? 

            All the same, he was glad Kaneda and Yamagata weren't around.  He just needed…time to get used to it, that was all.

            He walked into the classroom, and shut the door behind him.

            The blinds were down, filling the room with thick grey shadow, and the sound of the rain was faded. 

            "You should do something about them."

            Kai shrugged.  "It don't bother me."

            He kept his eyes pinned to the floor – scratchy brown carpet, speckled with chewing gum.  This was another person whose eyes he didn't like meeting.

            "Well?"

            Kai reached into his pocket, and drew out half of the money that he'd earned the day before.  "Here."

            "You didn't have any trouble?"

            "No."

            "Good.  Good.  There'll be another lift for you tonight, okay?  Just as normal."

            "Sure."

            "I – uh – heard your friends have returned from reform school?"

            Kai shrugged.  His friends seemed years away now he was standing here.  The world always did.  Just me and him – just me on my own –

            "They will probably be returning here.  I assume you'd like me to respect your privacy?"

            "Whatever."

            Silence again.

            "You did a good job, Kai.  I'm proud of you."

            Normally he liked hearing that, even though he knew it meant nothing.  But today –

            Today Tetsuo, and Kaneda, and Yamagata stood watching him, and they said What's with you?  Where's your guts?  Why don't you tell him where to get off?  He's treating you like you're six.  Teacher's pet

            "Thank you," he said, and drowned them out.

            "You look worried."

            "Well, I ain't."

            "All right.  See you tomorrow, then."

            Kai shrugged again, and walked out of the classroom.

            So, that was that done. 

            It was too late to bother going to class.  Well, all right it wasn't, but he hadn't been to morning classes for weeks.  It wasn't like anyone cared. 

            The playground outside was slick with rain, but he wouldn't have gone out there anyway. Too many jerks, psychos and thugs, and he didn't fancy being jumped on and shoved around and sneered at again.  It was boring.

            The other three Capsules were still looking over his shoulder.

            Coward.  Geez, Kai, so you're on your own ain't you got the guts to go out there and tell them where to get off?  We can't look after you forever.

            Why were they there, anyway?  They hadn't been there before.  Maybe it was because their real-life counterparts had returned.

            He didn't want them looking over his shoulder this afternoon.  They'd freak when they saw what else he did now.

            And why the hell should they?  It didn't matter, and it wasn't important, and he wasn't going to let anyone make him care about it.

            He kept walking, and finally reached the school library. 

            The pupils of the Eighth District Vocational Training School did not have much use for a library.  Especially not one that had been deliberately situated on the most out-of-the-way corridor possible so that no one would find it and steal/burn/deface the books. 

            Kai liked being out of the way.

            The glass panel set in the door was thick with dust, making it impossible to see through.  This place was so ignored no one had even painted their name in the grime.  He eased the door open, ignoring the creaking, and then closed it carefully behind him.

            Inside it was silent except for the hiss of rain outside and the rattling of the blinds against the window.  Kai walked over to a table hidden between two stacks of mildewed books (none published later than 1993) and sat down, and rested his head on his arms, and sighed.

            He hadn't planned to think of anything.  He liked not thinking.  But the ghost-Capsules nagged him.  Why were you paying him?  What did he do?  Why are you acting so quiet with him?  What's going on?

            "Leave me alone," he whispered.  "It doesn't matter."

            Something's going on.  We're your friends, Kai.  You should tell us. 

            Ghost faces in the dusky air.  The rain flickered outside the drawn blinds.  He shut his eyes and the darkness grew thicker, but the ghosts kept watching.

            "You ain't been my friends for three months.  You went away and left me."

            He stared into Yamagata's eyes, and suddenly anger flared up in his chest and it hurt so much –

            "And it's all your fault I'm in this shit!"

            And he stopped, and he realised he was talking to a half-collapsed bookshelf.  He took a deep, slow breath, and then let it out, and traced letters in the furry, soft dust coating the table.  K.  Y.  Then he rubbed them out, and the grime stuck to his palm.

            "Maybe it isn't.  Maybe it's my fault.  I dunno."

            But what happened? Yamagata asked. 

            "Two days after you guys got arrested.  And it was raining, and…"

            He stopped talking and just thought. 

It had rained all day and it looked like it was going to start again; the air smelt damp and mouldy.  Kai stood at the school gates, staring down the street, trying to motivate himself to start walking.  But he felt too tired.  If only he'd ridden to school, then he could be out of here in seconds.

            But the others were gone.

            This morning he'd looked at his bike, but his thoughts had hissed how dare you ride around on it when they're locked up?  You're not even any good, if you were you'd have helped them.  But all you did was watch.  Coward.  Wimp.

            He and the others had ridden back down from the highway when Kaneda, Tetsuo and Yamagata hadn't shown, and seen the street filled with cars, bikes, cops…

            Glaring searchlights, sending shadows rushing over his friends' faces.  Screeching car horns as the traffic knotted around them.

            And Yamagata yelling and cursing at the cop cuffing him and dragging him away – and a truncheon slammed into his face, and spatters of blood as his head slumped forward –

            And you're gonna ride around like you don't care?

            Oh I care.  You don't know how much I damn well care…

            I'm sorry Yama, I'm sorry – what if they'd hurt him more?  What if he was really badly hurt, sure he was tough, but this was serious.  What if he was never coming back –

            If I don't have fun either they'll let him come back – he'll be all right – got to be –           

            Yes.  Someone who was truly sorry they hadn't helped would be rewarded for their guilt.  Someone who acted like they didn't care would be punished by never seeing Yamagata again.

            He'd draped the dust sheet over the bike, felt like he should bow to seal the promise or something, but resisted the temptation, and walked away.

            Now part of him wished he'd not been so weird because it seemed a long way back, and his feet hurt, and the sky was grey, and what was the point of going through all this anyway?

            You want him to be okay?  You start walking.    

            His eye was swollen, sending sour colours over his vision, and his ribs ached from where one of them had kicked him.  A bunch of morons who'd apparently just been waiting for this moment, to get the jump on a Capsule, and had the perfect opportunity now three of the others had gone.  Huh.  Big deal. 

He'd got in enough blows himself to drive them off, but he had a feeling tomorrow would be just as bad.  And the next day.  And the day after that.

            Without Kaneda and the other two, the rest of the gang didn't feel like a gang any more.  It just felt like a bunch of kids who'd got bored of the game they'd been playing and didn't know what to do next.  So people didn't want to hang with each other now.  Certainly, no one wanted to hang with him.

            A needle of rain touched his face, and he sighed, turned up the collar of his jacket, and started to walk.

            A car pulled past him out of the parking lot, and then stopped.  Kai frowned as the driver wound the window down, and called, "Hey, do you want a lift?"

            It was Mr Shimura.  He was a newly trained teacher, joined the school a few weeks ago.  Normally people like that got eaten alive, but he'd won the hearts of his pupils by providing them with lots of self-study days and hardly teaching them anything himself.  Kaneda said – had said – that he could practically build a new bike in those lessons, if he wanted.

            Kai wondered what had happened to Kaneda's bike, and sighed.

            "Kaisuke?"  Shimura frowned.  "Are you all right?"

            He was looking at the black eye.  Kai nodded.  The rain was getting heavier, soaking into his jacket and damp on his hair. 

            Okay, so only teacher's pets said yes, but he didn't want to get wet.  And there was no one to see.  And it wasn't like it was the Jaw or someone like that.  Shimura was okay.  He didn't care about the boys, and they left him alone.

            "Yeah.  Okay, give me a lift," he said, and got into the car.

As they drove the rain got heavier, rattling on the roof like stones and melting over the windows.  Draughts wriggled under the doors of the car and round Kai's feet, and the dampness on his hair and clothes clung clammy to his skin.

            "Your friends got arrested, didn't they?"

            Kai shrugged.  "Yeah.  What's it to you?"

            "How'd it happen?"

            "It just did."  Kai didn't want to talk.  All he wanted to do was get home and lurk on his own somewhere, and wish the guys were back here.

            Wish Yamagata was.

            And the other two, sure.  But – Yamagata was his friend.  Yamagata was the only person he could flirt with without getting jumped on or laughed out of school.

            Or so he'd thought.  He tentatively touched his black eye, and dull, tooth-aching pain shot through that side of his skull.  Of course everyone knew now.  Fag.  He'd been asking for it for ages. 

            Stupid not to have guessed that.  Just cos his friends never gave him a hard time about liking guys didn't mean the rest of the world didn't think he deserved to get his head kicked in. 

            His friends.  Tetsuo didn't seem to care either way, Kaneda didn't complain as long as Kai didn't do anything weird/girly/obvious, and Yamagata thought it was cute (course he would, it meant more fuel for his ego).

            Yamagata.

            Kai sighed, and was suddenly hit by a warm, painful aching to be touched – to be kissed – to – yeah, that was why he was so gloomy these days.  He was frustrated as hell, and while you could find some slut who'd let you fuck her practically round every corner, he didn't know enough to find some guy –

            Yeah.  Frustration, that was all.       

            The car hissed along damp grey streets, and Kai gazed out at them and hated them.  Dirty grey walls sank into the skies, and the gutters bubbled with rubbish, and everything smelt of mud and the air was gritty.

            "It was your boyfriend, wasn't it?"

            He froze.  Had he heard right?

            "What?" he said, at last, slowly.

            "I'm sorry.  I assumed you and – Yamagata, isn't it – were together."

            "Keep your face out of my business, okay?  He's my friend is all!"  Kai felt himself blushing again.  "We ain't never been like that."     

            "But you wanted to be?"

            Oh, hell.  "Yeah.  So what?  I already got jumped on for it once already.  If you got a problem with it –"

            "It's all right.  I don't." 

            The car slid slowly to a halt in some deserted side street.  The rain was beating down on its roof, wrapping it in grey.  Kai could hardly see the city outside any more.

            We ain't never been like that…

            But he'd wanted to be – so much –

            And now Yamagata was gone, anything could have happened to him, and Kai knew he should have done something, he should have been there, and instead he'd been hanging around on a highway doing nothing

            So stupid – can't do anything – no wonder no one wants to be anywhere near you – and it wouldn't go away – he should have been able to do something – stupid – stupid –

            "You weren't arrested with them?"

            "I didn't mean to," he whispered.  "I didn't know – we were waiting for 'em, I didn't realise they were in trouble until they didn't show –"  To his horror, tears were starting in the back of his throat.  What the hell was he, some kind of wimp?

            "It's all right."  Shimura put a hand on his shoulder.  "It wasn't your fault, okay?"

            "Like you'd know anything."     

            "How long are they in for?"

            "Three months."

            Silence.

            "So…if you wanted to go out with him, why didn't you?"

            If this had been anyone else, Kai would have kept his mouth shut.  But come on.  Shimura never took an interest in them; he wouldn't want blackmail material; and he was probably gonna quit this job soon.  That was the gossip, anyway. 

            And besides, he was sick of having to bounce these words around in his head.  He wanted to let 'em out.  Moan at the world.

            "He never wanted to go out with me," he snarled.  "Satisfied?  He knew I liked him but he never wanted to –"

            Shimura leaned forward and kissed him.

            Kai froze – and then his body, which had been howling for something nice for the past forty-eight hours, kissed back –

            Why?

            Why not?

           

The library was so quiet.  Kai blinked, and slowly it slid back into focus. 

            Then what happened?  The ghost-Yamagata was frowning.

            "He – we – you know."

            Except, of course, that no one did.

He didn't want to look out at Neo-Tokyo, which looked as grey as the sky by now, so he turned away, back to Shimura.  Who caught him by the shoulders and kissed him again – and now he was really confused, his mind splitting into a million different thoughts – but the only one he could notice was the one saying someone's here – someone wants me –

            Shimura smelt of chalk, musty jackets, and rain.  Teacher smells.  Kai wished he hadn't thought that, because kissing a teacher was disgusting and he didn't want to think like that, he wanted to be held and he wanted to be shown someone wanted him –

            No one wants you, stupid kid, traitor, freak –

            Shimura reached down, and unzipped Kai's jeans, and whispered, "That's good…well done, Kai, don't worry…"

            One of the thoughts gulped and said no, don't, this is – this is –

            What? another one demanded.  Or are you just a damn coward like they say? 

            I'm not – I'm not – I just –

            If it was Yamagata doing this you'd be over the moon.  And anyone is better than no one –

            Yamagata

            And that awful lump of misery tore down through his chest again, damn it, why couldn't he just stop thinking, why did he have to keep feeling, why had he been so damn stupid to let them all get caught –

            The rain battered at the roof of the car.  Outside it would be soaking.  His feet would get wet.  In here it was warm and dry and everything was okay.

            Shimura kissed him again, and whispered, "I'll try not to hurt you –"

            He pulled Kai towards him, onto his lap, kissed his throat, and Kai swallowed, there's no need to be scared, dumbass, nothing bad's gonna happen  - arms round his shoulders, pulling him down – the air draughty on his stomach where his shirt stopped –

            Please tell him to stop – please –

            Yamagata – I miss you – I miss you please come back, please please –

            Shut up, all of you, and stop making me feel bad –

            Shut up –

            Shut up –

            And then the pain hit, white-hot, and his breath hissed between his teeth, and he clenched his fists and it hurt, oh it hurt it hurt, he'd never thought it would, not so much, never so much and all those arguing voices pooled together into one long smooth dark cry of agony –

            "Sssh…it's all right…"

            He shut his eyes.  In the red darkness the pain was less powerful – he could ride it, heh – and it burnt out the thoughts, all the whining, stupid, painful thoughts – even as he heard himself whimpering he felt better because his mind was quieter –        Hands clutching his shoulders, warm, chest pressed against his back, quickening breaths, this could be anyone but it was someone – that was what was important – that was it –

            If it would only stop hurting?

            No – because once it stopped he'd have to think again –

            The breaths tensed in a long, stretching gasp, and then the hands let go of him, and Shimura eased him back onto the passenger seat, and he slumped down, wishing he could stop trembling.

            "I'll take you home now.  Come on, sort yourself out."
            So he did, taking slow, careful breaths as if he was trying to calm himself down.  

            His thoughts had stopped boiling in his brain.  Just little ripples now deep down in his skull. 

            That suited him.  As they started driving again, he sank down in the seat, and tasted the strange, odd feelings in his body. 

            Maybe this was what it felt like when you'd just been born.  Like they'd picked you up and dumped you in a new skin. 

            Aching, shivering, confused – frightened?  But his mind was blissfully, wonderfully calm, and all the problems seemed to have fallen down into the darkness, and for this moment, he could pretend they weren't there.

                                   

            Did you like it?

            "It was all right.  Then he – he gave me some money.  Then he said – he said – if I was keen he knew other people and – and –"

            They stared, and they waited.

            "You don't know what it was like.  You've always had each other!  The rest of the gang went off.  I didn't want to stay home thinking.  I just – I need people…"

            You were that desperate? Yamagata said.

            "Shut up.  You made me do it…"

He'd dreamt of several things that night.  Of Yamagata, kissing him, hands on his bare back, stroking his hair. 

            Of sudden darkness, of lying in an empty flat listening to silence and city sounds.

            Of calling for someone to come help him, come find him, come look after him.  His parents weren't there, and suddenly Yamagata wasn't either.

            Of sobbing on a blue-lino floor covered in milk and blood and broken glass.

            Yamagata…Yamagata

            Miss you so much…

            He awoke crying, and then lay, suddenly cold, staring at the blind, which glowed with pale city light.

            Lay alone.

            In the dream Yamagata had made the world burn with brightness.           

            But behind the light was the darkness – of being left alone in that empty flat; the smell of sour milk and barred light from the closed blinds prowling across the floor.

            And if he didn't do something, the darkness would eat him up and he'd be back there, crying and hearing nothing but his sobs and the hum of the city.

            "Yamagata never wanted you anyway," he told himself.

            Shimura didn't mind kissing him and that, did he?  And if the – other stuff – with other people – had to happen, it had to happen.  So what?  Today it hadn't been that great, and yet – and yet to be so close – to someone – to anyone who made those thoughts be silent – and there was good money in it, you could use money, where was the harm, huh?  What was so wrong?

And when no one knew what you were doing, what you were doing became normal.    

Yamagata and Tetsuo and Kaneda stared at him, but they weren't real any more, because he didn't want to imagine what they'd say if he told them what he'd just remembered.

            "Of course you don't get it," he said at last.  "You wouldn't.  But you don't need to find out, okay?  You'll be so damn busy with each other –" and Kaneda and Yamagata grinned, and put arms round each other, and Kaneda rested his head against Yamagata's chest, and they watched him, their eyes bright in the dimness. 

            "You won't care.  And that's good.  Okay?  Because I don't care either."

            His hands were shaking.  He wished he had the scalpel.  He felt frightened without it, the feelings were drowning him, filling his throat and making his lungs ache from lack of air.  Without it he had no control – without it his body wasn't his any more, it belonged to the city and anyone in it who cared to pay –

            He glanced at the clock on the library wall.  It had stopped, but a thunder of feet and shrieking told him it was break time.  He toyed with the idea of going outside, looking to see if his friends had come in yet, but rejected it.  More sensible to stay here, and wait until the pick-up this afternoon.

Kaori scurried across the playground, wincing as the rain shot through her thin T-shirt.  She was late.  She was so late.  But it wasn't her fault.  She hated getting up and leaving Tetsuo, he was warm and she liked to watch him being asleep, and who wanted to get up and walk out into the cold wet real world?

            Now she dashed into the school building, gasping for breath.  Cool drops were oozing from her clothes and hair, and she couldn't stop shivering, fierce, cramping shivers that made her ache.

            "Kaori!"

            She looked round, squinting through her soaked fringe, and saw Mari, from her class, hurrying towards her. 

            "I haven't seen you for ages!"  Mari hugged Kaori, and then grinned.  "Where have you been?"

            "Around."  It was hardly surprising Mari hadn't seen her.  They only knew each other through their boyfriends.  And when Tetsuo had been arrested, and Mari's guy Tanaka had sloped off to a different gang, Mari must have figured there was no point in socializing with Kaori any more.

            "Silly.  I looked for you, okay?  Come on, let's go chat."

            "Uh – I have classes –"

            "Kaori!  You're a sweet kid, but you know you can be a real geek sometimes.  It's still break time!  Now come on."

            Kaori followed Mari round the corner into the lunch hall, wishing she could just for once speak up – just for once spit insults at people and walk away – like the boys could – like Tetsuo could –

            Don't be stupid, she told herself.  I'm lucky she's talking to me, if I was rude like the guys no one would like me anyway and she's really cool.

            "So?"  Mari yanked a chair out, and sat down at one of the tables.  Kaori followed suit.  The tabletop was sticky, so she kept her hands in her lap.

            "So…"

            "Kaori!  How's Tetsuo?  You do know he's been freed, right –"

            "Yeah – yes, I do.  He's fine."

            There was silence for a moment.  Quick, think of something to say –   

            "What about Tanaka?" she stumbled out at last.  "I thought –"

            "Oh, I'm not going with him.  I'm looking for someone new.  I wondered if Tetsuo might know anyone."

            Kaori wriggled back against the chair, her damp T-shirt cold and slimy on her back.  "He, uh, only knows Kaneda and Yamagata.  And Kai, of course."  As she said it, she wondered about Kai.  She hadn't seen him for ages. 

            She wouldn't have minded hanging out with him.  He was quite nice to her, and he looked as lonely as she felt.  But you couldn't hang out with a guy unless you were doing stuff with him, and neither of them wanted that, she knew.

            Mari rolled her eyes.  "There's no need to be touchy.  It's not just because of that I was talking to you."

            "Oh."

            "Well?  How are you and Tetsuo?"

            "We're – we're all right."

            Yes.  They were all right.  As all right as they'd always been. 

            I love him, but…

            He doesn't really like me and sometimes I don't think I really like him

            The thought burned in her head, and then she drowned it because she felt mean thinking it. 

            Anyway, it was all very well to dump Tetsuo, but then who would want to date a scrawny little rat like her? 

            She studied Mari across the table.  The other girl's shiny black hair was tied up with a blood-coloured ribbon which matched her dress, and under the table Kaori knew she wore red high-heeled shoes that looked like something out of a movie.  All right, the stitching of Mari's hem was coming out, and there were several bleach stains on the fabric, and her feet were muddy from walking in sandals in the rain, but she still looked like a proper girl. 

            Kaori didn't even need to glance down at herself.  Tiny breasts in a baggy white T-shirt, and skinny childish legs, and a boring faded flower-print skirt, and grubby babyish socks and scuffed flat-heeled shoes.  No.  She was lucky Tetsuo spent so much time with her still.

            "You're not all right."
            Kaori blinked.

            "You're not," Mari said.  "And why should you be?  You can do better than that, girl."

            "Like – like who?"

            "Uh – anyone?"

            "Tetsuo's not that bad."  Her voice sounded so mousy.  Why couldn't she ever scream properly?

            "Well…whatever floats your boat."

            "I like him.  He's nice."

            "If you say so."

            "I – I do."  Kaori got to her feet.  "I'm going to class now."

            "Fine," Mari called from behind her.  "But if you need someone to talk to about your hubby, come find me, okay?  You need someone with experience."

            Kaori nodded, and stumbled out of the room.

            Did she like Tetsuo?

            She didn't know.  She really didn't know. 

            Once she'd liked him, hadn't she?  When she'd been little she hadn't even thought of kissing and things.  When she'd been little she'd felt sorry for him – he'd cried when the other boys had tripped him up or called him names – and she cried more than any of the girls – and he'd smiled at her sometimes – and once or twice they'd both laughed at bad jokes –

            But now it was different.  Everything was so much more serious now they were boyfriend and girlfriend and he'd made her feel grown-up, hot, and so it wasn't just a friendship she'd be losing – and he felt different too, angrier, and so when she did something wrong everything was worse…

            No.  What she felt for him wasn't liking – maybe it was love.  Confusion and pain and obsession.  Was that love?        The rain spat on the ceiling above her, and she shrank away from it, and stared down at the floor as she hurried.  It was slippery from muddy footprints, and she nearly skidded several times.

            When she had Tetsuo she didn't need anyone else.  They could be together forever.  No one else.

            But as she slunk into the classroom, and took her place, walking up past sharp eyes, she remembered Kai again. 

            He'd been alone too.  That was why she'd kind of wanted to find him, during these last few months. 

            But she'd only actually spoken to him once.         

It had been hot, that time; a sour, thundery day.  The lunch hall had smelt rotting, and flies had looped in tired circles round the corners of the ceiling.

            She had no one to eat lunch with.  The other girls were eating together, giggling and fluttering their eyelashes at passers-by.  She wouldn't go and sit with them.  They laughed at her, behind her back, she knew it now.  As soon as the boys were gone, you saw the girls as they really were.

            She'd thought they liked her –

            Why didn't people like her?  She wasn't horrible…

            Maybe she was just stupid.  

            She still caught herself glancing at the parking lot, wishing to see Tetsuo and the others and their bikes.  Sometimes she thought she saw them, and then the sun fell over their faces and burnt them away and they became just other bikers who'd never look at someone like her.

            She sighed, and slid the meat out of her hamburger, and nibbled at the greasy bread. 

            The playground was deserted, and the sky filled with soft orange sunset.  The swings creaked as she and Tetsuo sat on them, rocking gently back and forth, and the ground was warm through her sandals.

            "Kaori?"

            "What is it?"

            "Can I – I – hang on a minute –"

            He got up and put his hands on her shoulders and quickly kissed her.  His lips were warm, and he was so nervously gentle she started to giggle – it was silly, but it was kind of nice –         

            She slammed her eyes shut as tears suddenly filled them.  No, she couldn't start crying – not here – not now –

            Although it wasn't like anyone would notice.  Swallowing the lump of bread, wincing as it hurt her aching throat, she took a deep breath, and smiled to no one.

            "Hey, who said we want you in our lunch hall?"

            She jumped, and shrank back in her chair.  Had someone noticed she was about to cry –        

            – but no, the two boys weren't talking to her, they were following Kai, who was making his way across the room with a resigned look on his face.

            "Don't want you eyeing up our asses, now do we?  Put us off our lunch for sure."       

            "Who says I'd want to eye you up?  You ain't exactly gorgeous, you know."  Kai threw the remark back over his shoulder as he walked. 

            "You think you're so damn smart –"

            "Yeah," Kai said.  "Don't be too jealous, okay?"

            Kaori wondered who he was going to sit with.  She could see everyone shifting to fill up the empty spaces at their tables.

            He stopped, realising there was nowhere to go, and Kaori swallowed.

            Everyone knew he'd had a crush on Yamagata.  Mari had figured it out and then everyone had heard about it.  But Kaori didn't see why everyone had to start picking on him for it.  It wasn't fair.

            Before she could think, her hands had gripped the table and pushed her to her feet.  Legs shaking, she waved to him, and called, "Kai…I – I saved you a place…"

            He heard, frowned at her.  She nodded, and even managed to force herself to smile.  As he sat down he smiled back at her, and she felt kind of proud of herself.

            "Kaori-chan, you're wasting your time."

            The two guys who'd been following him had reached the table.  One of them gripped Kai round the back of the neck for a moment, making him wince – the other leaned over him, sneering at Kaori.

            She bit her lip, and stared down at her plate.

            "You must be desperate.  Missing Tetsuo?"

            "He can't show you a good time.  And as for this pathetic –"

            "Please go away," Kaori whispered.

            "Aw, she wants us to go away?  That's mean, Kaori.  That's really mean."  One of them leaned forward, slammed his hands onto the table, and she swallowed.  They were large, heavy – if he punched her he'd smash her nose –      "Hey, Akio!  Sento!"

            The boys turned.  Mari had stood up, and was waving from across the hall.

            "Stop wasting time with her and come sit here!"

            "Ah, shut up, you dumb slut –"

            "Fine.  Guess you don't want to come out with me tonight then.  Guess you'd rather stay in with Kaori and do your homework."

            Kaori, her face aching with blushes, kept staring at her burger, and kept noticing more disgusting things about it – the rotting-skin colour, the grease stains it was leaving on the roll, the bumps and pimples on its surface.  Her stomach tipped slightly, but if she looked up the boys would hurt her and she'd rather be sick than have that happen –

            "Okay.  See you later, baby," one boy said, blowing a disgustingly deformed kiss.  "And you –"  He shoved Kai, and then the two of them walked away.

            Kaori sighed.  "I'm sorry."

            "Hey, you gave me a place to sit down."

            He didn't sound too mad with her.  She glanced up at him.  His face was blank, slightly bored, and yet she was pretty sure he himself wasn't bored.  His expression was too still, too accurate, to be real.

            "So thanks," he continued.  "But maybe you better not do that too often.  They'll start picking on you as well."

            Then he turned his attention to his lunch, and started picking the sweet corn out of the vegetables on his plate.

            "Have – have you heard anything from the guys?" she asked at last.

            "No.  But they're not exactly great letter-writers, are they?  If they can even remember my address.  I guess you miss Tetsuo, huh?"

            She felt those heavy tears swell in her eyes again, and quickly blinked them away, and nodded.  She wanted to say And you miss Yamagata, but he might get mad, or upset, and she didn't want him to.

            "They'll come back," she said at last.

            "Mm."  He studied her a moment, chewing, and then said, more sympathetically, "Sure they will, Kaori.  And then you and Tetsuo can go off and we'll all moan about it.  Just like old times."

            She smiled, and managed to meet his eyes this time.  "Are…are you all right, Kai?  You miss…uh, them."

            He looked away from her this time, down towards his lunch, wolfed a few more mouthfuls.  "I'm fine."

            "Are – are you still riding?"

            "No."

            "Oh.  Uh…what are you doing instead?"

            He swallowed, and grinned, slightly, as if he was having some joke on her.  "Nothing much."  He finished his last mouthful.  "Quiet nights in.  I'll see you later, 'kay?"

            She nodded as he got up, and watched him walk away, creeping through the lunch hall and out of the doors before anyone noticed him.

            Slowly, she ate her own lunch.  The burger tasted almost as bad as it had looked, but she forced it past the lump in her throat.

            She lingered over her lunch a lot these days because once she'd finished, she'd have to go outside and not hang around with Tetsuo.  And then she always wanted to start crying and she was tired of crying; it made her eyes ache…

            Last mouthful of greasy bread roll.  The lunch hall was empty now, and the rattle of her plate as she picked up her tray echoed through the air.  Cups, pools of juice, crisp wrappers under her feet.  Graffiti covered every table top, lying like mould under the crumbs.

            Outside the air was thick and sweaty; and it was silent.

            Where was everyone?  A few people were getting stoned or drunk in corners, and a very few people were reading, or trying to get late homework done, but no one else…

            Then she heard the shouting, far away but sharp as pins in the air.

            Don't go.  You're not a troublemaker.  Stay back here and don't look.

            But her feet weren't listening.  They dragged her over the tarmac, round the far corner, to the back of the school –

            The noise rushed out at her now.  A huge crowd of people, struggling in a squashed, swaying ring, and the chanting thudded in Kaori's ears.  She saw Mari, leaning against the wall, a small grin on her face, and Tanaka, hands in his pockets, yelling a cursory insult every so often, but she couldn't make out anyone else.

            Then she heard shouting from the centre of it all.  Akio, she was pretty sure.

            "What, you're scared?"

            "Fuck off and leave me alone!" Kai yelled back.

            "Ooh!  Why don't you make us?  Or are you waiting for your ickle Yama-chan to come and save you?"

            Kai was silent now, and Kaori could feel the rage in the circle.  They wanted him to talk so they could rip up his words before they went for the rest of him.

            Please talk, she found herself whispering.  Please – don't make them cross – then they'll leave you alone – won't they?  They've got to –

            "You forgot how to speak?" Akio said.

            "Say after me…" someone else yelled.  " 'I'm a dumb stupid fag…"

            "Shit for brains…"

            "Wank over pictures of little boys –"

            "Oh yeah, who's littler than him?"

            Kaori clenched her fists and the nails dug into her palms – say it Kai, please say it, then they'll stop (oh no they won't Kaori-chan, you remember what it's like – 'I'm an ugly little freak, I wash my hair in shit, I stink cos I'm too stupid to know what shampoo is – remember, remember, you just say it and then they make you say more and you can't stop crying so don't say it, Kai -)

            She stood on tiptoes, hating herself for looking, and saw Akio grab Kai by the front of the shirt.  "Look, dumbass, we gave you an order, you do it or we'll pound your damn head in –"

            Kai punched him in the gut, and Akio doubled over, stumbled back and hit the edge of the ring.  Hands pushed him back up, and two other guys grabbed Kai, one holding him still while the other smashed him in the face and ribs and stomach. 

            "Yeah, go for it!  Teach the little freak a lesson!"

            Finally they stopped hitting him.  The blood on his face shone in the sun, and he was coughing and choking, and they laughed.  They just laughed, and said, "So start talking, Kai-kun, or you'll get it worse," and Kai swallowed, and licked the blood off his lips, and Kaori knew he was going to say it, and she heard herself sob, and turned and ran, and didn't stop until she was standing in an empty classroom, silence and shade and she felt so sick.  And she could still hear the laughter – she pressed her hands to her ears until the roaring of her blood blocked it out, and shuddered, and tried not to cry.

            She couldn't do anything.  And it didn't matter.  And Kai would be all right and he wouldn't want her to try and help him anyway.      

            It didn't matter.

            She stayed in the classroom for a long time, because she wasn't going to venture out until it had all stopped.  But how long did it take to beat someone up and humiliate them and make them into your slave?  And then finally the bell rang for the end of break, and she heard footsteps storming around her, but no one came into her classroom and eventually she pulled her hands away from her ears and it had all gone quiet.

            She should get to her own classes.  How can you sit in the same room as any of them?  They destroyed him –

            Well, you're no better.  You just ran away.

            She eased the door open, and stepped out into the hot, shadowy corridor.  She'd got about halfway down it when she heard slow footsteps, and saw someone walking in from the outside, and the sunlight blazed around them and then was cut off as they let the door slam shut.

            Kai.

            Kaori ducked behind a bank of lockers.  She couldn't see him – she didn't want to see him – he'd hate her –

            He was covered in blood and dust, but as he walked he kept rubbing a hand across his face to remove the mess.  Neatening his hair, straightening his tie, shrugging his jacket higher on his shoulders.  Like he wanted to pretend nothing had happened.  And he was limping, and he was putting one foot in front of the other so slowly.

            Then as he got closer, she saw the misery in his face.

            She gasped without meaning to, and Kai frowned, and through blackened eyes he squinted, and saw her.

            "What are you doing?"

            She bit her lip, tried to think up some sort of witty excuse, but she left it too late as usual.  Anger bit into Kai's face, and he said, "I get it, you came to spy on me, and laugh, well, it ain't funny, ya dumb bitch –"

            "I didn't –"  She heard her voice quiver.

            Kai studied her for a moment, then shrugged, not meeting her eyes, and said, "Yeah, whatever.  I gotta go."

            He pushed past her, and ran down the corridor.

            He knew she'd watched him getting hurt.  He must hate her.

            Kaori swallowed and wished she hadn't remembered that.

            But it's not important.  So it's okay I never did anything for him –

            No, it's not.

            Stop it, she told her mind.  It's nothing to do with me.  Tetsuo's the one I've got to worry about –

            No, not worry.  Because he's back now, and everything will be all right.  And Yamagata's back for Kai as well.  It'll all be okay.  It'll all be okay.

            She nodded, and smiled, and then wrapped her arms round herself as a sharp draught whipped round the corridors and raised goose bumps on her skin.