Chapter Three – Sex Secret Blood
(Hi all! Akio, Sento and Shimura are © me, everyone else is owned by Katsuhiro Otomo. The last scene of this chapter is also based to some extent on a scene from the movie which is © Katsuhiro Otomo, but the dialogue is mine. Please r+r!)
The next day the sun shone pale and watery. The pavements were damp and slippery, and squashed flowers were forcing themselves up through the cracks in the paving stones.
Kai noticed one get crushed under Akio's heel, just before the guy slammed a punch into his stomach. He curled up, but Sento, who'd wrenched his arms back, kept him standing as Akio squared up for another blow.
This wasn't exactly a great way to start the day, but on the other hand it wasn't unusual either. He let the pain ooze up through his insides, and started trying to count the flowers. Nothing bugged these two more than their victim not looking at them. One – then another, half-crushed – another by the drainpipe –
Akio hurled a fist into his face.
"What is it with you? Zombie –"
Kai felt the blood ooze over his mouth, and the pain throbbed under his skin. He just hoped they wouldn't find and pinch the money for Shimura. Then he'd have another person being mad with him, and he didn't want Shimura to be mad with him, because – well, because. Everyone else hated him, didn't they?
And Shimura was always kind.
You don't want to know what it would be like if he wasn't –
Akio punched him again at that point, and he dropped the thought.
Suddenly there was running feet, and Yamagata rushed up, shoved one arm round Akio's throat, and with the other hand, twisted the guy's arm behind his back. Sento let go of Kai's arms and scurried away as Kaneda and Tetsuo came hurrying towards them from the other side.
"Hey, Akio," Kaneda said, conversationally. "Nice to you see you again."
"Argh – hi, Kaneda –" Akio choked as Yamagata tightened his grip. "Hey, you know – it's not like – Kai wasn't – uh –"
"Kai wasn't what?" Kaneda grinned.
"He started it!" Akio wailed, and yelped as Yamagata twisted his arm further.
"Hmm, interesting point." Kaneda grinned. "But…thinking it over, I don't give a shit. Sorry."
He punched Akio hard in the gut, and as the guy doubled over, said, "Next time bring some friends who can actually give us a challenge, okay?"
Yamagata let go of Akio, who crumpled onto the floor, dusted his hands off on his T-shirt, and said, "Kai? You okay?"
"Sure." Kai tilted his head forward, pinching his bleeding nose. "Thanks."
"What were they jumping on you about, anyway?" Tetsuo asked.
"I dunno. They're just jerks, right?" Kai glanced away as they walked into the dingy entrance hall of the school. They'd find out sooner or later why everyone was picking on him, but let it be later. It'd be easier.
The clock said it was eight-forty.
"Uh-oh – I gotta go –"
"Where?" Kaneda said. "Classes only began…uh…well, it's not late yet. Don't tell me you gave up biking to work."
"No." The money burned in his pocket. Shimura would be waiting. Plus he hated carrying it on him. It always seemed to be slightly sticky.
"I just got…something to do. See you later!"
And he dashed off down the corridor.
"When?" Yamagata called after him. "Where'll you be hanging?"
The library. Oh, yeah, that'd go down well, wouldn't it? "Somewhere! Just keep an eye out!"
And then he dashed round the corner, and skidded down the steps, and charged towards Shimura's classroom.
The three Capsules glanced at each other, and then Tetsuo said, "Is it just me, or is he acting really weird?"
"We ain't seen him for three months," Kaneda said. "Maybe he was always like that and we just forgot."
Yamagata shook his head. "He used to like riding."
"He wasn't the sort of wimp jerks like Akio and Sento would've picked on," Tetsuo said. "He could handle himself."
"Yeah, but it's tough when you ain't got no one else around," Kaneda said. "Maybe they figured cos he was on his own…anyway, it doesn't matter now, right? We're back. Come on. Let's get moving."
Yamagata frowned – "Something's up with him," – but he followed the others down the corridor.
Lunchtime.
"Where have you been?"
Kai shrugged. "I couldn't get into your classroom, you were teaching." For once, he added mentally. "I figured you didn't want me to come in and pay you right away. Not in front of everyone."
The blinds were down again, blocking out the sun. The air was warm, though. Kai could feel it, heavy on his skin.
"True."
There was a rustling as Shimura folded the money and tucked it into his wallet.
"So where were you?"
"Some guys were beating on me. And then my friends –"
He stopped.
"Your friends?"
"Nothing. What about my friends?" Kai forced himself to look up, meet Shimura's eyes. They were blank. The teacher's entire face gave nothing away.
"You mentioned them."
"Well, I just…said hi to them is all." Kai folded his arms, and stared back down at the floor.
"Kai…"
"What."
"How would they feel if they knew what you do?"
"Don't matter. I'm not telling them…"
How would they feel? He wasn't sure. If he was a girl, they'd think it was funny – a bit gross, but funny. But then, none of them had ever been friends with a girl. Not proper friends. Except maybe Tetsuo, with Kaori.
Tetsuo would be furious if he caught Kaori doing that.
"They won't find out," he finished.
Shimura leant forward, kissed him. Kai shut his eyes, and waited in the darkness for it to be over. His lips – his entire body – were as numb as if he'd been lying on ice.
He didn't normally kiss. But this wasn't a client – this was someone who actually cared – so he didn't mind – he wouldn't –
"You're still going this afternoon?" Shimura asked as they separated.
"Course I am."
"Good."
It was like he'd fallen back into his own mind, and was watching, from far down in the dark, as some copy of him smiled and nodded and kissed again…
No, it wasn't. He was here and he was alive and he was standing on the gritty carpet as someone held him and kissed him and stroked his hair.
He couldn't be in the dark because in the dark there was nobody.
The sun still shone as he came out of school that afternoon, but it was tired and limp. He felt pretty damn tired as well.
I want to go home. Fuck this – I just want to go home –
You don't have a home, he reminded himself, and you never have, so you don't need to get all sappy about it.
He slunk over to the edge of the parking lot, and waited for the latest pick-up.
"Kai!"
No!
He looked round. Yamagata was hurrying towards him. Of course, it would be him, wouldn't it? The one person who he – had once – cared about –
"What?" he hissed. No sign of a car yet. Maybe this would work out okay. Maybe the guy, whoever it was, would be late –
"What are you doing? Ain't you going home?"
"I'm getting a lift."
"Hey, I could give you one. Or one of the others –"
"No."
"What's going on? Why're you so weird suddenly?" Yamagata frowned.
"Nothing's going on, and I'm not weird. Just cos I'm not riding no more –"
"It's not just that –"
A car rattled into the parking lot. Kai froze, and a dull, sour headache began to throb in his forehead.
"Just piss off, can't you?" he snarled. "I don't need you around any more. Anyway, Kaneda must be missing you. Go find him and have him fuck your brains out. You can forget all about me then, okay?"
Yamagata stared at him a moment.
"So that's what it is," he said. "Sure. If that's the way you want it."
He turned and walked towards his bike, which was parked at the other end of the lot, leapt onto it, and roared away.
I don't care.
Kai nodded, rubbed his aching forehead, and walked towards the car.
The Harukiya was almost empty, but that was the way Yamagata liked it. Not that he was embarrassed about what he was doing. But he wasn't an attention-seeker either. Well, not much.
He put his arms round Kaneda, and kissed him, feeling the other guy's breath stroke his face. They sat at one of the darker tables in the bar. The seats smelt of smoke, and Yamagata could feel the scratchy edges of ripped upholstery digging into his legs.
They were alone – Tetsuo had fallen off his bike while they'd been riding earlier and stormed away after Kaneda had laughed about it, and Kai wasn't coming out with them any more, because he was jealous as hell…
Yamagata sighed.
It wasn't like he had a problem with liking guys or nothing. But you had to be smart, right? You didn't want to flaunt it. He didn't need the hassle. Nor did Kaneda.
And he especially didn't need hassle from Kai.
He didn't want Kai to be mad at him. Okay, so he didn't like him in that way, but he still thought the guy was cool.
And he'd been kind of smug Kai had a crush on him. Who wouldn't be? Always nice to know someone thought you were wonderful.
Not to mention it meant he wasn't the only one who preferred guys…
The others' first times had all been with girls. Not him. He'd lost his virginity to some random guy in an alleyway near the Harukiya, a few years ago, and he was keeping his mouth shut about that. Kaneda seemed happy at the moment, but only because he could pretend both of them were straight really and hadn't met the right girls. Or something. Yamagata didn't want to scare him.
Kaneda kissed him, hard, tongue forcing its way past his lips, and shoved him down into the seat so hard he nearly slid off it. He struggled up again, disentangled his mouth from Kaneda's, and sighed.
"What is with you tonight?" Kaneda said. "You're not – how shall I say this – focused."
"Shut up."
"No, what is it?"
"Nothing." He turned away, and suddenly realised he was acting like the stereotype of the pissed-off girlfriend. "Ah, shit – it's Kai."
"What about him?"
"Something's up with him."
Kaneda sighed. "I don't think so. I think we just forgot what he was like."
"I didn't."
"Look, you wanna talk about Kai, or…" He tilted Yamagata's face towards him and kissed it again.
Yamagata tried to lose himself in the warmth, but Kai was stuck in his thoughts like a splinter.
"I think he is pissed about us," he said at last.
"Oh, geez…well, so what? He'll just have to get over it. He knew you didn't fancy him, okay? Now stop talking –"
Yeah, Yamagata told himself. He knew how I felt. I never really thought of him like that, and he's just gotta – get used to it. Yeah.
"I guess," he said, and grabbed Kaneda's shoulders, and dived into another kiss.
Kai reached his dorm at seven. He sat and watched the pink-blue sunset. Candy colours, spilled sugar. He didn't care about the colours, but he'd rather think about them than Yamagata.
Why had he said that to him? It had been stupid, and it made him sound jealous. He wasn't jealous, not now. He had other people interested in him now, money in his pocket –
Bruises on his ribs, blood on his arms and silver sharpness in his hand –
Well, there was no other way to stop thinking these days. He'd found ages ago – at the beginning of these last three months – drink and drugs only worked if he was happy. When he wasn't, they just made it worse. He'd got completely off his face the night after the others had been arrested, and it had been one of the worst nights of his life. Ghosts in the walls, sick to his stomach and a black, swirling misery in his head. No, he wouldn't do that again.
Shimura – and all those others – they stopped him thinking.
And the scalpel and the thin scars, they calmed him down.
The guys would be out riding soon. Meeting at the Harukiya like they always did. He could go too. Get his bike out from under that dust sheet and go catch up with them.
No.
He didn't want to see Yamagata, and he didn't want to see him with Kaneda –
Besides, going near his friends meant questions asked, and questions asked were bad. Yamagata mightn't give up nosing around, and if he found out –
Kai suddenly knew he didn't want Yamagata to find out.
Why? Ain't nothing wrong with it.
He won't see it that way. And I don't need the hassle.
The cuts stopped abruptly as they reached his wrists, so that his jacket could hide them. The skin on his hands looked like it belonged to someone else. Rough, speckled with patches of dry skin, suntanned, normal.
Someone who's not crazy –
Kai froze, and found himself shivering, and inside his stomach was cold with fear, and he hissed the scalpel down his arm again and slowly the terror sank back down into the dark.
He wasn't crazy. Just because he sometimes did this didn't mean he was crazy. Crazy people were people who went out on killing sprees or thought they were Jubei the samurai or something. He wasn't crazy. He was just being sensible. There was no point in putting up with bad feelings.
The sky darkened, and the candy colours sunk into blackness. The city was all around him, singing; the advertisements lit up and danced and the traffic wailed and cursed and there were so many people. But inside his room it was dark and silent.
Finally he went to sleep, and he dreamt.
Some stranger picked him up. It was dark, thick purple darkness, and he couldn't see who it was. They drove out of the school parking lot, and huge harsh searchlights swept the ground, trying to find him. But it was all right because he was safe now.
Then one of the lights lit up the darkness in the car and made it sparkle, and he saw that the driver was Yamagata.
You always knew? he said.
Course I did.
Yamagata leaned over and kissed him, and he was so happy – except he couldn't be, because he never kissed when he did this and he had to explain that – but the kissing was so nice –
Why are you doing this? he asked Yamagata.
I like you.
Then why didn't you tell me?
This is what you do, Yamagata said, sounding surprised. Everyone buys you. Why can't I?
I thought you were my friend!
We can't be friends. It'd cost too much. I'm broke.
I don't mind doing it for free!
And suddenly, as they kissed again,
it wasn't Yamagata, it was Shimura,
who said, You can't. You aren't
allowed – and stabbed him in the heart,
and the blood oozed from his body in a million tiny scars, and he fell into the
shadows lurking in the corners, and called out, for someone, anyone, and no one
was there.
And then slowly, slowly, shapes came out of the dark; his ceiling, and the window, the cold blind, headlamp shadows dancing in the black room like light on water, and he was awake, curled up, clutching the sheets to his chest.
Stupid dreams. Stupid dumb dreams.
He wondered what time it was. Not that it mattered. He didn't want to try and sleep again, not at the moment.
"You don't have to buy me," he whispered.
Why not? Everyone else does.
"They won't always – they – they –"
Of course they would. How could he ever stop this?
"No. I don't want to stop. Just cos Yamagata's back here again doesn't mean anything's gonna change. No one's gonna want me around still. So I don't want to stop and I'm not going to."
Sure. There are worse things than being the school rent boy. And Yamagata'll understand, won't he? He'll understand you're so sad and desperate for a fuck you go with the first person to give you enough to buy a bowl of noodles –
No – no – it wasn't like that –
Yes it damn well is – you're pathetic –
No. He wouldn't let it hurt –
He climbed out of bed, bare feet cold on the floor, and scrabbled under the mattress for the scalpel. But once he'd found it, and was holding it, he couldn't think what to do – his arms were used to it, it wouldn't do anything to cut there –
He scrabbled with his pajama top, pulled it up and over his head. The air was so cold it would numb his suddenly bare skin.
The blade slit through –
He stared at the shallow gash he'd made down the side of his ribs, and suddenly he felt much happier, a dizzy, melting happiness like what you got when you were high.
Putting the scalpel back, he threw his pajama top over his shoulders, and crept out of his room to the bathroom. The corridor was dark, and the air nipped at his bare feet and chest, and there was no one else around. He couldn't even hear breathing.
Suddenly he was trembling, but then he touched the bloodied cut and the warm dampness calmed him down; his blood, his body, the oozing lying safe on his ribs like the warmth left after a kiss; only that was dumb, because it was years since anyone had kissed him just to say goodbye.
No, they just leave.
Must still be sleepy, because his thoughts were slow as dripping mud, and he couldn't even hear the city sounds. A Neo-Tokyo silenced, a power cut maybe, or a tidal wave that had swept up silently and eaten everybody alive; flooded cars, fish burbling past windows, pictures and TVs and clothes rippling behind water…
He yawned, and the ache of it blacked out the thoughts.
The bathroom was cool, and smelt of dead flowers, old water. The mirror shone in the streetlights, threw squares over the ceiling. Still no sounds. The carpet was damp and slightly sticky under Kai's feet, and the window was misty and the droplets were eating into the wooden sill.
He stopped by the sink, turned on the cold tap. The water pipes weren't expecting that, so the whole house seemed to groan, like with indigestion or something. A few drops of cold water spat over Kai's hands, then there was a burp from the pipes, and a torrent numbed his fingers.
He splashed the coolness over the cut, shivering, and watched the water-blood run down his ribs and the leg of his pajama trousers. Didn't look like it'd stopped the bleeding much, but whatever, he'd put a little effort in.
Still silent and outside the corridor would be black and the shadows would crawl across his feet.
Kai leant on the sink, and frowned at his reflection. Normal face. No scars, so not the face of a lunatic. Just plain ol' weird pathetic Kai.
So what if everyone leaves? You get a different person every day who loves you and thinks you're wonderful and pays money to be able to touch you. Gotta be good.
Couldn't see why so many would bother, though. Okay, he wasn't completely hideous or nothing, but he wasn't drop-dead gorgeous either. He'd had girlfriends, but no one had ever followed him around all day and pretended to be very interested in the wall whenever he noticed her. He'd never had a girl on each arm because they were both so desperate to date him they were prepared to share. And he'd never made any girl scream and cry and moan when he did stuff to her, like the movies and his friends said they did. Whenever he and a girl had done stuff, it had been just sort of awkward. Slow, swaying, too much sweat, tangles in the sheets, headaches.
But the night he'd actually done it the first time (with a girl, that was), he'd hardly had to do anything. She'd laid him down on an old sofa in a storeroom at school, peeled off her shoes and socks and jeans and underpants, and plonked herself on top of him, clutching his hips so she kept her balance, and then – this had been obvious – she'd shut her eyes and pretended she was with someone else.
So he'd shut his eyes too, and tried to think of some girl he'd really, really like to be doing this with, only somehow it had been a boy's face that came into his mind.
Yamagata…
Who doesn't want to pay, who won't even do it for free.
Well, so what? Some people will. Lots of people will.
No one thinks you're hot. It's just everyone thinks you're sweet. You're the only one who's still shorter than all the girls, right?
Sweet can get results too. People like sweet. Tastes nice, don't it?
Falling into the darkness of your own eyes.
Sweet is good, and all you need to do is lie there and let them taste it.
Maybe when he finally grew up they'd all walk away?
Nah. They walked away when you were little as well.
So no worries, Kai-kun. Let them bend you over a desk, let them laugh when they collect you from school, let them fuck you and then watch while their friends do as well, let them do whatever they want, and everything'll be fine.
He yawned so hard it felt his mouth would split. Then he slid his arms into his pajama top and pulled it down over the dying cut, and then he slunk back through the black corridor to bed.
There he dozed off. This time he dreamt of nothing.
Kaori leant against the rusty fence. It sagged under her weight, and she felt specks of it flake off and drift down over her neck.
It was cold out here. She had her legs drawn up to her chest, and she rested her head on them as she watched Tetsuo slurp the last dregs from a can. His head was bandaged, white against his dark hair; he'd fallen off his bike, he said.
He crumpled the can, hurled it down towards the layers of pipes below them, and said, "This place sucks."
"We – we could go inside –"
"Not this place," Tetsuo snapped. "The whole place. The whole damn city. I hate it."
"Why?" She didn't want to say anything. The wrong word could make him explode, and if she was the one who'd said that word she'd be the one taking the punishment. But she couldn't just keep silent.
Tetsuo scowled. "You wouldn't understand. You're just a dumb girl."
Kaori didn't answer this time.
"I'm just as smart as Kaneda," Tetsuo said at last. "Smarter, probably. The only reason he's leader is he's slick enough to fool people into thinking he's smart."
"You're smart."
Kaori knew what her job was in these conversations – to hold up words like pathetic little gifts to him as he yelled at the world. Like she'd once held out half a chocolate bar to him as he rubbed blood off his face.
Kaneda had laughed, she remembered. Aww, Tetsuo's got a girlfriend! Look, Tetsuo, she's asking you to marry her!
She'd run away and hidden in the empty arts and crafts room, and cried because Tetsuo would never like her and she didn't know what to do.
Well, he did like her now. She was much better off. He liked her. He did.
He continued now as if he hadn't heard her. "He talks to me like I'm a damn kid! He just wants me to piss off so he can spend time with his boyfriend…"
"I – I suppose they want to be private?"
"Grow a brain, Kaori. Kaneda don't mind showing off. He just wants to make me feel like I'm nothing. He thinks he's so damn great. Shit, one day I'm gonna give him what he deserves…"
He sighed, his mouth tight with rage, and then threw an arm round her shoulders.
He likes me now.
Then why didn't she feel happier?
Come on. No one else has anything any better, do they? Mari doesn't, Mari just sleeps with anyone, she doesn't like them. I – I think this is a good way of doing things.
But she didn't want Tetsuo to be angry. Quick, change the subject.
"Tetsuo?"
"What?"
"How – how did you get caught? I mean, before…"
"Who cares?"
"Sorry."
Tetsuo glanced at her.
"I don't know…the whole city was crawling with cops and people, though. There was some kind of disturbance in the old city. I dunno what. Some prisoner escaped or something. Yeah, I remember…there was this guy in a yellow car…we were riding across the road and he didn't stop…there was a pile-up and us and the Clowns starting kicking asses right there. Then the cops turned up, and the street was in such a fucking mess we couldn't get away in time."
Kaori rested her head against his chest, felt him breathing, felt his rough fingers clutch her arm.
She heard Tetsuo whisper, probably to himself, "I can't go on like this."
"Like what?" she said.
"If Kaneda keeps treating me like a jerk, I won't stay here any longer. There's nothing here, Kaori, you know that? Nothing for people like us because the world doesn't give a shit about people like us. All it wants is for us to – to get some stupid dead-end job and slog our guts out for two hundred yen an hour. Live on packets of soup and, and watered-down beer. And then we'll die, in some – some stupid accident or something, and no one'll care about that either. No one'll care when you die, and no one'll care when I die."
He drew a deep, shaking breath, and said, "That's why we go biking. It's not just fun. It's, like, you're telling the world Fuck you, I won't be like you tell me. But Kaneda's wrecking it. Because I have to be like he tells me instead. And without biking what the hell is there? Kaori, I swear I'll go fucking crazy if I can't bike any more. There's nothing if I can't bike any more because there's nothing else in this stupid fucking city. If he keeps this up I'm leaving, I got to."
He stared out at the skyscrapers around them.
"I hate this place," he said again. "I'd just like to reach out like that –" with his free hand, he gestured – "and knock it all over – make it go away – make it all different –"
His hand swept through the air, larger here than the distant buildings, and for a moment it hid the millions of windows and doors and fire escapes and lights…
She stared, wondering if he wanted her to smile or not, and then she felt him tense, and he snatched his arm off her.
"Oh, why the hell am I talking to you?" he snapped. "You don't understand. You're a girl, girls don't. You don't know what it's like for me. Just forget it all, okay? Forget it."
He got to his feet and marched away.
Kaori shut her eyes because they were burning.
She loved him, oh she loved him she loved him so much and it was as hot as tears in her throat. She loved his big angry eyes and the rough way he clutched her hand and how he talked to her like he didn't need to pretend.
But even so. One rebellious thought poked a claw out in her mind, and spat at Tetsuo as he walked away down the path.
You don't know what it's like for me, either.
