Chapter Four – Magic Sex Rage
(A/N: Akio, Shimura, Tanaka and Mari © me. Everyone else © Katsuhiro Otomo. Reviews are good. Thank you!)
The next day it poured with rain, and the air was cold and clammy. Most of the pupils of the Eighth District Vocational Training School lurked in the stuffy classrooms, smearing damp mud over the lino, throwing balls of paper at each other, giggling through mouthfuls of chewing gum.
Yamagata sat, his feet up on the desk in front of him, wondering where Kai was. He'd seen him briefly this morning, but then Kai had dashed off to…wherever he kept dashing off to. Weird.
Yamagata wished Kai was here now. Then he'd grab him by the collar and choke him until he told what was going on. Yamagata hated secrets. They were pathetic.
Maybe Kai had a girlfriend and he was embarrassed.
Or a boyfriend.
Speaking of which – he glanced at Kaneda, who was glancing out of the window at the driving rain. The glass rattled in its frame as a gust of wind hit it from the outside, and Kaneda jumped back a little – then straightened up, acting confident.
He was cute enough. And that was good. Yamagata considered it. Yeah, that was fine. They both knew this wasn't anything serious. It was – a fling, that was it. And what was wrong with that?
Kaneda knew how to make you feel good. Even if most of the time you did want to smack him one. The guy just didn't know when to stop bossing people around. Yamagata was used to that, of course, being as how he was Kaneda's friend. But you noticed it more when you were with someone. Someone you kissed and stuff shouldn't be bossing you around like you were some dumb bimbo he'd picked up in a strip club…
Ah, he was thinking too much. He let his head fall back, and stared at the damp-patched ceiling. All around him there was chatter. It sucked being stuck inside the school building…couldn't blame people for hauling off and smashing something just cos it was so damn boring…
"And I told her, listen, bitch, if you don't wanna…"
"Last night. Wow, you'd have had to scrape me off the ceiling…"
"He is so not cute!"
"I don't know where he is. Why're you asking?"
"His pals made me look like an idiot. Just cos they've been to reform school. So've I. And I learnt some stuff there I can't wait to try out on Mr I-think-I'm-so-great-cos-I-wear-a-tie."
Yamagata leant back further, and eavesdropped.
"What'd he ever do to you?"
"Nothing. He just bugs me. Teacher's pet –"
"Kai's all right. He's a damn good rider."
"He don't do it no more, does he? Can't even ride home from school these days –"
It was Akio, talking to Tanaka. Yamagata put his feet back onto the floor, then stood up and turned to face them.
"You're talking about my friend," he snarled. "Maybe you better shut your mouth before I shut it for you."
Akio scowled. "Whatever. Can't see why you'd wanna speak up for him though."
Before Yamagata could hit him, he'd turned and walked away, down to the bottom of the classroom to sit with a bunch of friends.
Tanaka shrugged. "I wasn't saying nothing about Kai."
"S'okay, I heard you. Why's Akio got such a downer on him, anyway? Akio only picks on geeks."
"Well…y'know, Kai's kinda weird."
"He's not!" Kaneda came to sit down next to them. "He ain't weird."
"Not that weird," Tetsuo muttered from the end of the row.
"He is, kinda." Tanaka shuffled his feet. "He's queer and all. He had that big crush on you, Yamagata, didn't he?"
"Yeah. So?"
"Well…when you guys left Akio started making fun of him about it, and everyone else kinda joined in. And he is weird, you know he is. He's turned into a right ass-kisser with the teachers. Every morning it's down to old Shimura's classroom. Probably got a crush on him now. And Akio's right, he don't ride any more, he's paying someone to drive him home or something."
Kaneda shrugged. "Yeah, well, y'know, what you gonna do? Some guys just turn that way…"
Yamagata glanced at him, and he stared back with a bland expression on his face.
"There ain't nothing wrong with it," Yamagata said.
Tanaka snorted. "Yeah, sure there ain't."
"There ain't!" Yamagata said, still staring at Kaneda. "Geez, give him a break, can't you? It's okay to be like that."
"If you say so," Kaneda said, in a humour-the-idiot voice.
Yamagata really wanted to punch him. Coward. He said he didn't care what people thought, but he cares just as much as the rest of us. Coward. Liar. He laughs at Kai, and he does the exact same thing and I should know…
"Well, I don't mind him crushing on me," he said, watching Kaneda out of the corner of his eye. "It's kinda sad, though, cos I'm going out with Kaneda now."
And, wouldn't you know, as he said it, there was one of those holes in the noise, and the words rang out into the humid, damp atmosphere.
"You?" Tanaka said, and then snickered. "You…and him?"
"Yup."
"When's the wedding?" someone hollered.
"Talk about gang bonding!"
"Man, you two must've been bored in reform school!"
"Riiight," Tanaka said over the laughter. "Well, uh, that's great. Say, I'm gonna say hi to, um, Mari now, okay?"
Yamagata watched him creep away, his heart thumping. Okay, that had been fun, but maybe kind of stupid…
He turned to face Kaneda.
Yup. Stupid.
"What?" he said.
"I am gonna kill you."
"What?"
"You just had to go open your big dumb mouth, didn't you?" Kaneda snarled. "Thanks a bunch. Now my whole gang's gonna be known as the gay one."
"Hey, you could paint your bike pink," Tetsuo said. "To match your shirt."
"And you just shut up," Kaneda said over his shoulder. More quietly, he hissed to Yamagata, "Why? What the hell is wrong with you? Do you like everyone hating you or something?"
"I…I just thought he should know."
"That is the most stupid excuse ever."
"Well…y'know…" Yamagata shrugged. "I thought maybe they'd stop picking on Kai if they found out."
"Who cares about Kai?" Kaneda yelled. "It's my reputation you just trashed, not his!"
"Yeah, well, he's the one who's been having everyone pushing him around and all!"
"Oh, good. Let's all feel sorry for him. Meanwhile I got to go and drown myself."
"So we're through, then?" Yamagata called as Kaneda pushed past him and stormed down the classroom.
"We – we were never unthrough!" Kaneda yelled. "You're delusional!"
"Unthrough?" Yamagata muttered to himself.
"He's just dumped you," Tetsuo said.
"Oh."
"Why did you say it, anyway?" Tetsuo frowned. "Never seen you as the gay rights type."
"Like I said. It ain't fair on Kai…"
Tetsuo rolled his eyes. "And you turning into the class freak ain't gonna help him."
"It's my fault they all hate him. I shouldn'ta made fun of him crushing on me."
"He should've been less obvious about it." Tetsuo glanced away, but he was still watching Yamagata out of the corner of his eye. "Hey, you sure it's not Kai you shouldn't be locking lips with?"
"What?"
"Just you seem so, uh, worried about him."
"Shut up, Tetsuo. He's my friend, okay, and you look out for your friends. That's it."
Of course that was it, he told himself. Kaneda was hot, and that was why they were – or had been – going together. And he'd known how Kai felt for ages and never felt like making a move. So that meant he didn't fancy him. And this was a stupid bunch of thoughts to be having anyway.
He should be sorting things out with Kaneda. They were gonna have to stay riding together whatever happened, and giving each other the silent treatment wasn't exactly gonna help them to take back the streets.
Yeah. Yamagata got to his feet, and started to walk out of the classroom, ignoring the sniggers sprouting around him. He'd sort things out with Kaneda and then they could make up, and that'd drive all thoughts about Kai out of his head. It was stupid to be worrying about Kai, anyway. Kai could look after himself.
Lunchtime. Kai was glad. Despite doing practically nothing all morning, his stomach was growling.
You should have hung out with the guys.
But that would have meant questions, and acting normal, and sitting there not joining in conversations about riding. And sooner or later someone would have asked him what he was doing that evening, and he figured the answer fucking one of my clients wouldn't have gone down too well. No. Better to avoid people.
The lunch hall smelt of wet clothes and soggy vegetables. He collected a plate of carrot, cabbage and sprout stew, and then looked round for a place to sit.
Ah. There were the Capsules, sprawled at a far table. Kai frowned. Tetsuo had a resigned, scornful look on his face, and Yamagata was glaring past him at Kaneda, who was sitting at the other end of the table acting like the other two weren't there.
Hmm.
I can't avoid them forever.
And if Kaneda and Yamagata had broken up…
No. He didn't fancy Yamagata any more. He was fine as he was. But hey, he could still be interested in his friends' love lives, right?
He walked over to the table, and sat down.
"What's with you guys?" he asked.
"Mr Big Shot over there," Kaneda snapped, "decided to spill the beans about…stuff, and now I'm gonna be the laughing stock of the whole school. After you, that is."
"Why didn't you tell us it was cos of me you got beaten up yesterday?" Yamagata asked Kai.
"I – I didn't think you'd like the hassle," Kai said.
Besides, you're going out with Kaneda. You don't care about some dumb old crush so why mention it?
Or you were going out with Kaneda…
"So…you guys through, then?" he said.
"Yes," Kaneda said, just as Yamagata said, "No."
Tetsuo snickered.
"Well, if you're scared…" Yamagata said lightly, and then smirked as Kaneda glowered at him, and snapped, "I ain't scared. I just think you acted like a jerk. Blabbing for no reason –"
"He had a reason," Tetsuo said. "He did it for Kai."
"Huh?" Kai frowned. "What do I have to do with this?"
"They were talking shit about you," Tetsuo said. "Tanaka and Akio. And Yamagata here suddenly started saying how he was gay with Kaneda –"
"Don't say it like that!" Kaneda hissed. "It's just a fling, okay?"
"And when Kaneda asked him why he'd done it," Tetsuo said, rocking back on his chair, a grin flickering on his mouth, "he said it was to try and get the others to stop picking on you, Kai."
"What?" Kai gaped at Yamagata. "Who – why – who said I was getting picked on?" he finished.
The others gave him who-are-you-kidding looks.
"Kai, we saw Akio and Sento jumping on you," Yamagata said at last. "Or has all the speed you've taken finally wiped your brain?"
"You take just as much speed as me, and so what if they were jumping on me. Maybe that was just a one-off –"
"Well, it does make it sort of obvious they don't like you –"
"What I wanna know," Kaneda said, "is when you turned into the sort of sad kid that gets that sort of shit from people."
"Hey, they started it! I wasn't doing anything!" Kai felt himself tense, grow cold inside.
Told you it was useless trying to be friends. They don't care. They really don't. So you shouldn't either.
"Yeah," Yamagata said. "Why don't you lay off him?"
"Why are you so obsessed with him?" Kaneda retorted. "Kai this, Kai that. Maybe we got this all wrong. Maybe he only had a crush on you cos you had one on him!"
"Maybe you should shut your ugly fat mouth before I shut it for you –" Yamagata stood up, and glared at Kaneda, who also leapt to his feet, and said, "Maybe I don't give a damn what you think seeing as you never think anything smart anyway –"
Tetsuo rolled his eyes as they scowled at each other over his head.
"Maybe you're the delusional one, cos you sure give a damn what the rest of the world thinks –"
"Maybe you should both shut up!" Kai snapped, and they stopped and stared at him.
"Shut up and get back to playing tongue tennis with each other like you're meant to," he carried on, the words aching because he didn't want to speak them. "Yamagata, I don't care what Kaneda thinks and I don't care what Akio and Sento think and I don't care what anyone thinks. I don't need you protecting me. I can look after myself."
He got up and walked away from the table.
"Hey, can I have your stew?" Kaneda hollered as he reached the exit from the lunch hall.
"Knock yourself out," he called back, and walked outside.
This was stupid. This was so damn stupid. Why had he ever wanted his friends back? They were nothing but trouble.
But you were glad when Yamagata and Kaneda didn't like each other…
For a moment he'd tasted hope. Stupid hope. Dangerous hope, because he couldn't – mustn't – start doing anything like that. Going out with someone meant telling them your secrets, and no way could he ever do that.
Sad kid…
Well, he didn't care what Kaneda thought. Or anyone. Maybe he was a sad kid now. Well, so what? It wasn't like he could be anything else.
Yamagata spoke up…he did it for me…
Kai mentally slapped himself. That sort of dumbass romantic thought only got you in trouble. Led you to the edge of a thought cliff and dropped you over while you were high on roses and hearts. Yamagata had probably spoken up to show he didn't care what people think, and it was nothing to do with Kai.
I don't need Yamagata. The rain muttered around the corridor, almost drowning out his thoughts – except this sentence. I don't need him. I don't.
But you want him…soooo bad…
I don't want anyone. Not now.
He wanted his scalpel, to cut away these thoughts. But that wasn't possible. So he'd do the next best thing.
He turned left, and made his way towards Shimura's classroom, where the teacher sat, eating lunch.
He'd drown the thoughts because he didn't need Yamagata, and Shimura was happy to fuck him any time.
Back in the lunch hall, Kaneda and Yamagata sat down, glowering away from each other, and continued eating.
"Tetsuo, go find Kaori," Kaneda said at last.
"Huh? Why'd you want to see her?"
"I don't want to see either of you. I want to be on my own."
"But Ya – oh. I get it." Tetsuo slammed his chair back. "Fine."
As he slunk away, Yamagata turned to look at Kaneda. "You wanna be on your own, huh? That suits me –"
"Fine. You can piss off if you want."
Yamagata waited for a moment, to see if he meant it, and then said, "If you wanna make up then just say it. If you ain't too scared."
"I am not scared of you! And it's not making up."
"Making out, now…" Yamagata murmured, and inched a little closer to Kaneda, who tensed.
"I can't trust you," Kaneda muttered at last. "Blabbing out everything to everyone…"
"Okay. Course, this means I can't ride with you –"
"What?"
That had been a lie – he had no intention of quitting the Capsules – but it was worth it for the horrified look on Kaneda's face.
"Oh, no," Kaneda said. "You're in the gang for life, you know that? No quitting, no way."
"Yeah, but if you're gonna break my heart –"
"I ain't broken your heart. This is a fling, okay?"
Yamagata shrugged, started to scrape round his bowl to pick up the last remains of his lunch, and let the silence settle.
"Oh, all right!" Kaneda snarled at last. "Fine. I forgive you. Just keep your mouth shut, okay? Some of us have reps we actually care about. So let's go kiss and…ugh…make up."
"We can't do it here?"
"Don't push it."
"Okay, okay…you finished with that stew, then?"
"Hell, yeah. Come on."
Yamagata followed Kaneda out of the lunch hall, trying to ignore the snickers and stares as they went.
The corridor was empty and silent except for the rain. Water ran down one wall from a leaky roof, blurring the graffiti.
Kaneda glanced from side to side, noted the lack of people, grabbed Yamagata and kissed him hard. They stumbled back until they were leaning against the wall, and Yamagata tried to bathe in the heat and the gasping feelings flooding his body, and to forget about Kai. And not wonder where he'd wandered off to. And not care that he'd looked really gloomy and stressed out. And not think about him at all.
And almost succeeded.
Kaori swallowed her last mouthful, the vegetables mushy and sour on her tongue, and got ready to leave. She wished someone had come eaten lunch with her. But Mari was sitting on a table with lots of boys, and no one else was bothering to say hi. Not even –
Suddenly Tetsuo wrenched out the chair opposite, and sank down into it.
"Tetsuo! Hi –"
"Look, I don't want to talk to you. Kaneda made me come here. So shut up and leave me alone."
"What's wrong – why –"
"I said shut up!" Tetsuo's mouth was tensed, and if Kaori hadn't known better she'd have sworn he was nearly crying with anger, and she felt sorry for him.
"All right," she said, and got up to get rid of her tray. When she came back, Tetsuo was still sitting there, but the tearfulness in his face had gone, and he was just glowering.
"You didn't have to come back," he muttered.
"I – I wanted to."
"You're so sappy sometimes, Kaori."
"Sorry."
He shrugged, and didn't answer. Kaori sat, twisting an old chocolate wrapper round her fingers, and felt the silence settle in the middle of her body like a pit.
"Um – what are you doing tonight?" she asked.
"None of your business."
Deep back in her brain, something set alight. And the small flames became thoughts – I only asked. You didn't need to say that –
She shut her eyes against the fire, and listened to the dull roar of rain and chatter. Outside the windows, Neo-Tokyo vanished in clouds and mist. This school was the only place left. For her, anyway. And Tetsuo was the only person left in it – for her –
"Don't give me the silent treatment," Tetsuo snapped.
The flames grew and spread. You told me to be quiet. Don't blame me if you don't like it –
"Sorry."
Tetsuo glowered at her. "And stop apologizing all the time!"
The flames caught onto the curtains of her mind, and scrambled up them. Stop criticising me. I don't like it. I don't like it –
"Sorry."
"Oh, very funny," Tetsuo snapped. "Okay, I get it! I know you think I'm as pathetic as they do. Why not just spit it out? Or are you too scared?"
The flames hit the electricity, and there was a bang, and sparks of rage flew out of her thoughts – into her mouth – and –
"I don't think that," she said. "Stop being angry with me."
The words were almost too spiky to force out, and when she'd said them she suddenly started shivering.
"Get off my case," Tetsuo said.
"Then you get off mine."
"What?"
"I – I mean it," she said, and her mouth was trembling so badly she could hardly speak. "Stop – stop being mean to me. I – I haven't done anything – you always tell me to shut up – you're no better than me – so don't – don't treat me like I'm your slave – or your – your pet –"
Tetsuo gaped at her, and she stared back at him, and the air suddenly felt very thin, and all the other sounds faded away, leaving him gasping in the silence.
"What the hell is with you today?" he said at last. "PMT or something?"
Several people snickered. Kaori felt blood rush over her face, hot as coffee. She should stop – she should stop – but she couldn't think enough to do so – in her head it was blazing and she couldn't put out that fire –
"No," she said. "What's with you today? Why – why are you so mean to me? Why don't you just stop it? Why can't you just be nice?"
"I'm perfectly damn nice to you!" Tetsuo yelled. "You're the one who's saying all this shit, you spoilt brat!"
"You – you are horrible to me!" she screamed.
The scream fell through the lunch hall like broken glass.
"Shut up!" Tetsuo yelled back at her. "You don't like being with me, you can fucking leave! No one cares! No one cares one bit about you! I sure don't! You're a stupid whiny little bitch and – just leave me alone! Just leave me alone!"
She stood up – knowing she was about to cry – and started to run, run before what he'd said caught up with her. The tears were putting out the fire in her head, leaving nothing but black smoky dampness, and how could she have been so stupid? What had she said? What had she said? And now Tetsuo hated her – never wanted to see her again – he'd dumped her – this couldn't be happening – it couldn't – it couldn't –
She'd made it out into the corridor, and now she ran into the nearest girls' toilets, sank down by the sinks, and started to cry for real. The sobs echoed through the thick, sickly air, ugly, animal sounds – no wonder he hated her, she was ugly, ugly and stupid and uncontrolled –
"Kaori?"
She turned. Mari was looking round the door, frowning.
"Kaori-chan, don't worry, you were brilliant out there…" She hurried over, helped Kaori to her feet. "Don't cry, honey, he deserved it."
"No – he hates me – he'll never speak to me again – you don't know – you don't understand –"
"So what if he does hate you?" Mari said. "Now you can go have fun with some cool guys."
"I – I –"
"Wash your face, and listen."
Kaori turned on the tap, and splashed her hot, aching skin with icy water as Mari continued, "The best way to get over something like this is just have a one-night-stand. Pick some guy up in the clubs and have him make it all better. It'll just remind you there's other guys than Tetsuo."
"I don't want another guy –"
"Look, who's the one who knows boys here? Me or you?"
"You." Kaori's face felt numb now, but tears were still trickling from her eyes. She wasn't even doing anything to make them.
"So trust me. Come out tonight, with me, and we'll –"
"But – but no one ever wants me when I go out to those places. No one would want me now…"
Mari chewed on her crimson-painted lip. "Well, I guess…though you could try having a makeover –"
"No."
"All right. Geez, Kaori, I'm trying to help here."
"Sorry."
Mari looked thoughtful. "I've got it. There's this guy I know –"
"Another boyfriend?"
"What can I say? Yes." She grinned. "Anyway, he could get…some guy to just go with you, just for one night."
"What do you mean… 'get some guy'?"
"Like guys can get girls. Buy them. With money, Kaori. Get it?"
Kaori felt another blush burn her sore face. "But I don't want to – to pay someone, that's – that's icky, he'd, he'd be a –"
"Everyone does it. Now, do you want to let Tetsuo make you cry forever? Or do you want to get over this and then come back to him looking damn sexy and make him rush after you for a change?"
"Huh?"
"When you have sex it makes you feel good. Makes you look good as well. Plus, you need to stop thinking Tetsuo's the centre of your life. Because that way you won't look desperate."
"I didn't – I –"
"Kaori, you practically worship him. Guys don't like that. It makes 'em nervous. You need to show you can manage without him."
"But I can't!" Kaori wailed, and heard her voice crack.
"You can! You go with someone else, you'll see sex with him ain't that different. You'll see Tetsuo's just another guy, not some god like you seem to believe he is."
"I don't…"
"You practically go around shouting Hail Lord Tetsuo at him."
Part of Kaori's mind really wanted to slap Mari, but the rest of it burned with shame. No wonder he'd got so angry with her. She must have looked so stupid…
Mari stared at her a moment, then said, "So you'll do it? I'll fix it all up. You and him can meet at my place, then if there is any trouble I'll be the one who gets the dorm mother on my ass. I'll even fork out the money for you. I'm nice that way. Okay? All you have to do is be there."
"All – all right."
"Good!" Mari hugged her. "Now, you go to class. I'm gonna go find the guy I need to talk to."
"He's at this school?"
"Yeah – yeah, he is. Don't worry, I'll tell him you don't go here."
"Okay." Kaori watched Mari dash away, and her mouth crumpled as she started to cry again, but more quietly this time.
You should have said no.
No, I shouldn't. Mari knows what she's talking about. It'll be a one-night-stand just like the others do. It's nothing bad. And then – then Tetsuo will like me again – then I won't be desperate –
No one cares –
Spoilt brat –
Stupid whiny little bitch –
Yes. He'd say sorry for those words, he'd be kind to her, he'd see she was okay after all. Mari had said so and Mari knew boys. Yes. Yes. Tetsuo and her would be together forever. And if all she had to do was – was this, then it was okay.
Of course it was.
She shivered, and caught sight of her red-eyed, wild-haired reflection in the scratched mirror over the sinks. She looked horrible. No wonder Tetsuo didn't like her any more.
She had to do this.
It would make everything all right again.
Kai sat in the classroom, watching as the clock moved slowly towards the end of the day. Last lesson. Five minutes until he saw Shimura again. There'd been a cancellation, or something, and he was supposed to check back to see if he was still getting picked up this afternoon.
I should have a secretary, he thought, and snorted.
Kaneda and Yamagata weren't there. He knew what they must be doing, and he found himself wanting to smash something he couldn't see. But why? He'd told them to make up so why was he complaining?
Tetsuo was there, but Tetsuo was snarling at the world. He sat carving something into his desk like he was practising mutilation. Kai would've liked to lean over and see what it was, but he didn't fancy getting bitten.
Besides, trying to talk would've reminded him again that Kaneda and Yamagata weren't here because they were with each other.
Why does it bother you so much? So they're screwing in school. You did that just now. With Shimura.
Wasn't like it was even any good…
Like he'd been paralysed below the waist or something. Well, maybe not paralysed, but it hadn't felt like anything much. About as interesting as picking a scab. Okay when you were bored, but nothing to write home about.
So it wouldn't make any difference if he was going with Yamagata instead of Shimura. It'd be just as dull.
Wouldn't it?
Anyway, he couldn't get close to Yamagata. You could blurt out so much to people. Yamagata thought he was pathetic enough already. No way was he knowing anything else.
He glanced up at the clock, and saw it reach four, and all around the classroom people erupted from the seats, and charged down to the door. Tetsuo stood up, shoved past Kai, and out, kicking at the ground. Kai wondered again what was with him. Probably he was having one of his inferiority spasms.
Not my problem.
Kai got to his feet, and slunk through the corridors to Shimura's classroom. The rain had stopped, but the sky was still grey, and pools of water speckled the floors, and the radiators were covered with damp coats.
Shimura's room was practically empty. Kai wondered if it had been another self-study day. But the teacher himself was there, and looked up as he came in.
"They did cancel, but something else has come up," he said. "For this evening."
And then he told him what it was.
"You want me to what?"
"I want you to go with a girl. Where's the problem? Don't tell me you've never done it."
"I've done it. Several times. A year ago." Kai glowered.
"It's not exactly difficult."
"And you'd know?"
"Just think happy thoughts, get on top of her, and switch off. It's simple. She wants you to make her feel good for one night. You do it. Then you never have to see her again."
Kai sighed. He'd end up doing it, he knew. He just didn't want to. "Why is she doing it at night?"
"Her friend arranged it. You're to meet at the friend's place at eight tonight, and the girl will be there. She's shy. Here's the address."
Kai scanned it, noticed that this friend, like him, was in care, and shoved it into his pocket. "Okay. Now I'm off, all right?"
"Of course. I'll see you tomorrow."
He wanted to say and I'm not sleeping with any more girls after this, but didn't quite dare. If he got Shimura real mad, the guy might – might –
Might go off and leave him and then he'd be on his own, broke and lonely and bored.
Shrugging, he walked out of the school building.
The streets were damp, and the puddles soon soaked his feet. Not that that mattered. He'd have enough time to get dry before he went out. Went out to screw some dumb girl, some nameless cheap bimbo who he hated already…
Stop it, he told himself. It won't be that bad. No different really.
And it would be interesting to fuck rather than get fucked for once. Hey, practically a learning experience.
He shook his head, and kept walking.
Kaori walked back from the bathroom, shrouded in a fraying, faded yellow bathrobe, hair drooling dark wet patches down the fabric.
She'd scrubbed herself so hard. Foam had covered her until she felt it was part of her. Her skin, swelling, bubbling…maybe if she let it do that she'd change into a proper girl, a pretty, sexy one that Tetsuo would like and she wouldn't need to do this.
She'd washed her hair with someone else's shampoo. Her own was scentless, water-coloured No More Tears children's brand for people with sensitive eyes. You couldn't wash your hair with that when you were going to do this. So she'd used coconut scented shampoo instead, the colour of creamy wood. Now it smelt thick around her face, and she imagined she could taste flakes of nut on her tongue and sticking behind her teeth.
The sun was still there, pale in the cloudy sky, but the shadows were growing longer and darker, and the sky seemed bruised, and below it, the city was blinking, awakening, starting to laugh.
She was frightened?
She was nervous.
But if this would bring Tetsuo back to her…
She wished she'd asked Mari to come over. Help her get ready. As if it was a date. But it would have made sense, wouldn't it? Mari would know what she should wear, what she should do. Mari knew everything about that sort of stuff.
The house was so quiet. Anyone to talk to would help. When there was no one to talk to, her mind started chatting to her, saying you don't think you'll be able to pull this off, do you? He'll laugh at you, whoever he is. Or you'll start crying or giggle or feel sick or won't be able to do it somehow and then everyone will know what a baby you are.
She bit her lip, hard, and decided to focus on finding some clothes. The air was cool on her damp back. What clothes did you wear to something like this? No other girl she'd ever known did it. Or if they did they didn't talk about it. It was pathetic to have to pay. It said no one wanted it enough for free.
Kaori crossed her arms over her small breasts, and realised that no one did.
Tetsuo?
He hated her.
She crept over to her underwear drawer. She didn't have anything sexy. No lace, no ribbons, no thongs. She just had plain white little-girl underpants. She didn't even have any bras, they were too expensive, and she was such a baby she hardly needed one…
What else to wear? Part of her wanted to dress up, be alluring, be a woman for the night. But she didn't know how. And she didn't have the right clothes. And she didn't want to look desperate. Well, all right, just doing this at all looked desperate, but if she was going to be desperate, she was going to be desperate as herself.
In the end she chose a white T-shirt and the only clean skirt she had at the moment, her flower-pattern one. Then she rubbed her hair dry, and brushed it, and wished it was sleeker, not this babyish fluffiness that would never lie flat.
It was six-thirty. She didn't have to leave for another hour. So she sank down onto the bed, and tried not to feel scared.
The coconut smell wrapped itself around her face like a thin scarf, and made her drowsy. She could let it put her sleep, shut her eyes and miss the appointment –
In an hour and a half it would be time – and her stomach ached as if someone had stabbed it –
What would he be like? Would he laugh at her for being desperate? Or wouldn't he care? Surely he wouldn't care. She didn't want him to care. She just wanted him to not be mean. He would know so much more than her; he didn't need to rub it in.
He would sleep with her.
She'd never slept with anyone except Tetsuo before.
And I don't want to –
But Tetsuo didn't like her now, and Mari had said this would work.
But…when she slept with Tetsuo, it was – it was special because it was him. It didn't always feel that nice – sometimes it hurt – sometimes he was angry with her because things didn't work and it was her fault – but when it did work, he sank into her and she wasn't her any more, she was him, part of him, she could touch his spine and shoulder blades and stroke his hair and their faces were so close, seeing him blink was like watching clouds rushing across the sky and she loved it when she could make him happy, when he cried out and smiled and kissed her and muttered her name, Kaori, Kaori, when he said it she loved it, when he said it, it became special.
Sex that didn't involve Tetsuo – she couldn't imagine.
Mari did this all the time, sleeping with people she didn't know very well. It was just something you did. It was stupid to think it mattered because it didn't. She said it was just like giving someone a nice present, or going dancing. Working together to achieve something, she'd said, and giggled.
Kaori sighed.
She didn't want to hold someone else's shoulders and breathe their hair. This boy, whoever he was, he wouldn't even know her name.
Night fell.
Kai waited in the girl's room. It faced onto the dark back of another building, so the night was as thick and solid as rock. And no way was he putting the lights on.
Okay, he didn't care if this all went wrong and she had a crap time, but if that did happen there was no need for her to remember his face.
The building was silent. He wished it wasn't. He could hear his heartbeat, and hear his thoughts, which were getting more and more panicky as time went on.
Wish I wasn't here…wish I'd told 'em all to forget it…she'll be some dumb bimbo and she'll want to be friendly…and yeah like I want to touch some stupid bitch…
Why are you so freaked out? Is it cos you've actually got to put some effort in for once?
I could hurt her…I could smash that mirror and sit and wait and when she came in I could hold a bit to her throat and make her do anything…
Hey, cool down, he told himself. You're getting too antsy. This is nothing and in an hour it'll all be over and you'll be at home and you can chill.
No footsteps yet. He glanced at the clock. The red numbers said eight-oh-three. She would be late, wouldn't she?
This was like an arranged marriage or something, waiting for some woman you'd never met to turn up and become yours. Only this becoming would only last for a night. Less than that, actually. You could have sex in ten minutes these days.
He sat down on the bed, which was covered with an itchy blanket, and tried to relax again. No luck. The nerves were taut all over him.
He knew this room wasn't hers, that it belonged to a friend, but he squinted at it anyway as his eyes got used to the dark. A table covered in thick candles. Posters of beautiful naked people on the shadowy walls. Makeup jars and bottles absolutely everywhere. Underwear – lace, ribbons – scattered across the floor. Kleenex and condoms on the bedside table. And the air was thick with perfume, he kept wanting to sneeze. No wonder they were meeting here. He couldn't have chosen better himself.
Eight-oh-seven. Geez, where the hell was she?
Suddenly he heard running footsteps, and blinked as someone flung the door open, letting a wedge of light into the darkness. He squinted as coloured spots burnt through his vision, and by the time he'd blinked them away, she'd shut the door, and they were in the dark again.
"Sorry," she gasped. "I didn't realise it was dark in here – and I'm sorry I'm late…"
Her voice was quiet, gentle, slightly familiar to him as the sort of girl who didn't have a room like this.
"It's okay," he said. "You're not that late."
"I, um, have money…"
"Just put it on the table." He felt sorry for her suddenly. She was even more embarrassed than he was.
And it was stupid to feel embarrassed about this. He'd done it so many times before.
"Shall we do this, then?" he said.
She tensed a moment, then nodded, and came to sit down next to him on the bed. "I – I've never done this before – well, I have, I mean, I haven't –"
"Paid someone?"
She nodded.
"S'okay. I ain't giving you marks or nothing. Just get your clothes off, okay?"
Slowly she pulled her white top off over her head, and dropped it on the floor, then fumbled with whatever she was wearing on her lower half. He started to undress himself, turning away from her, kicking his clothes into a pile separate from all the others on the floor.
She couldn't see the scars in this dark either. Another good thing about it.
They were both naked now. She was skinny, pale as headlit mist. He faced her, his hands suddenly shaking, and stared into her shadowed, invisible face. She was gasping for breath, and he felt her shrink away from him.
"Come on," he said. "I'm not gonna eat you."
Shaking, she leaned forward and kissed him.
Get off –
But before he could turn his head away, she'd finished, and he didn't have the heart to be angry with her. She was so damn terrified already…her lips had been soft, way softer than Shimura's.
That was nice, he supposed. But he still felt nothing. Maybe it was because she was a girl. Or maybe he just wasn't meant to feel anything any more these days. Her hair smelt of coconut.
Anyone could make their hair smell of coconut. He was glad she had. He couldn't smell her real scent.
They broke the kiss. Her face was still black, still flat in the shadows. She could be anyone. She was anyone. She smelt like anyone. It didn't matter about meeting her eyes. She couldn't see.
A small, evil part of him wondered what Yamagata's hair smelt like. He smothered it.
Then he put his hands on her shoulders, and laid her down on the bed. The blanket was itchy underneath him. She was clutching his hand as if they were about to go on a rollercoaster together, and he could just feel her heartbeat, a patter inside her body.
He entered her, sinking down into an even deeper darkness, and she gasped a little, and clutched his hand even tighter. She was frightened. She was frightened all the way through it. He put an arm round her and tried to help her, and he was puzzled that she was doing this. Why would she if it scared her so much? But part of him was glad of her fear. He could focus on that, try and make her feel better, and so ignore his own feelings – the feelings that didn't want her touching him – the feelings that he wouldn't listen to – because this was no different from being with anyone else –
He moved against her – experience told him to lie still and wait, but that wouldn't be fair on her – she was trembling – her hair was raggedy, fluffy against his fingers like scattered feathers. The darkness slithered over his skin.
They moved apart.
She lay still, breathing quickly, her profile a dark line against the blinds.
"You all right?" he asked.
"Yes…" She glanced over at him, and sighed.
In the other building, outside the window, someone flicked a light on, and the golden glow oozed into their room, and thinned the darkness, just a little.
Just enough.
It couldn't be. It couldn't be.
Her face –
She gasped, and said, "Kai?"
It was. Icy cold horror stabbed through his stomach, and he sat up.
"Kaori, what the hell are you doing?"
No answer – she just stared at him.
"What are you doing here?" Kai said again, at last. "You have a boyfriend! You're going out with Tetsuo! Or did you forget?"
Kaori stared at him, and whispered his name again, and then she started to sob, and buried her face in her hands. Kai didn't hug her this time. Damn her – she'd made him look so dumb – he'd slept with her – he'd just slept with Kaori. He knew Kaori. It was like sleeping with – with –
His thoughts took a short digression while he tried to think of someone he definitely wouldn't sleep with, and came to the gloomy conclusion there was nobody as long as people still had money. At last he decided it was like sleeping with your sister. It was just – wrong.
"Kaori," he said, over her sniffles, "are you gonna tell me what you're doing here?"
"It was for Tetsuo!" Kaori wailed. "We had a fight and – this would make it all better – Mari told me – I didn't know – Mari never said it would be you –"
"Shim – I wasn't told it would be you." He heard his voice shaking with anger. "Damn it – I wouldn't have done it if I'd known it was you –"
Someone knew. Shit, someone knew. Someone who didn't understand, and would spill the beans, someone who was staring at him in horror and making him feel horrible…
She noticed his scars, and frowned. To distract her, he stared pointedly at her breasts until she realised, blushed, and grabbed the blanket and wrapped it round herself.
"What are we going to do?" she whispered at last. The light in the other building flicked off, and her voice mingled with the flood of darkness. "What are we going to do?"
Kai got out of bed and pulled his boxers back on. Then he wriggled into his shirt, and buttoned two of the buttons to keep most of the scars hidden. Then he picked up a box of matches from the table and lit one of the scented candles.
In the dark, flickering light he was able to see that it was definitely Kaori, her pale shoulders rising bony from that blanket, her eyes red and damp. He carried the candle, which was starting to stink of fake, plastic orange blossom, over to the bedside table, and then sat down next to her.
"Why were you doing this again?" he asked.
"Tetsuo and I had a row, and Mari said it'd make it all better if I had a one-night-stand…I just wanted us to be happy. I just wanted Tetsuo not to be mad with me…"
Kai couldn't see how Kaori going off and screwing some stranger would make Tetsuo happy – he could think of several other, more correct adjectives, like homicidal – but he wasn't going to pick on her for that now. The important thing was to cover his – their – tracks.
"Well, he doesn't know about it, does he?"
"No." Kaori shook her head, her eyes two black pools above her delicate nose. "I – I wasn't going to tell him, you know…"
"Good. So don't. And I won't tell anyone, and it'll all be okay."
Kaori nodded. She sat, thinking for a moment, and then
said, "I can't believe it was you! I
feel so – stupid – and I paid you and everything –"
"That," Kai said, "ain't a
problem." He got up again, and picked up
the money.
Kaori's eyes widened even more.
"You – you do this for real?" she whispered.
"Why else would I be here?"
"I guess I thought Mari was goofing around or something – this is real? You actually – girls pay you to, you know…"
"Boys, mostly." He made his voice dead. No way was she guessing how he felt about it. However that was.
"But – but why?"
"Why not?"
Kaori didn't answer. She sat, chewing a fingernail, a frown drawing her eyes down.
"But that don't mean you got to tell everyone," Kai said hastily. "I don't exactly blab about it to the guys."
"Oh, no, I won't tell. How could I?"
"Not even – Mari, is it?"
"I won't tell."
"Don't."
"I – I'd better get dressed." Kaori swallowed. "Then I'll go back."
"That's good."
She watched him, blushing, until he realised and turned away. He heard the blanket drop to the floor, and scrabbling as she picked up her clothes. Part of him was laughing at her for doing this. He'd just fucked her, why should she be shy about her body now?
But whatever. It was her choice.
I don't get a choice, whispered a voice, far, far away. He dismissed it as a hallucination brought on by too much fake orange blossom.
"I – I'm done."
He turned, and gulped. She stood there, fully dressed, the same old skinny untidy girl who'd always been hanging around Tetsuo. Kaori. A friend of a friend and nothing more.
And he'd just –
They'd just –
Oh, shit…
She was staring at him just as much, he could almost make out her eyes now. What was she seeing? A friend of a friend same-ol'-normal Kai only he wasn't now, was he, he was a sick desperate weirdo fag who'd just made the biggest damn mistake of his life…
He broke the stare by leaning down to pick up the rest of his clothes. But he didn't want her to see him get dressed afterwards. She would see him turn back into the guy she knew – and he wasn't going to give her that satisfaction. Then she'd start thinking gee, I sure wonder why Kai is doing this and ask too many questions that didn't need to be asked.
"Don't hang around," he snapped. "What, you want me to call you?"
Kaori blushed.
"I'm sorry," she said. "I'll go – I'm sorry –"
He heard the tears in her voice, and felt mean, but ignored it. Stupid bitch, getting him in trouble like this – scaring him like this –
"Don't tell," he said again. "Tell and you'll regret it."
"Why would I? I don't want anyone to know either –"
She scurried out of the room, and left him alone in the dark.
He dressed, slowly, and waited a while, to give her time to get out of the building.
Then he walked back to his dorm, slowly, through black, noisy streets. The city was wide awake now, screeching in his ears, and without his bike the noise and lights were drowning him. The air stank of cigarettes and dry ice and cars.
If only I'd said no – if only this hadn't happened – if only I'd just said no –
No. He wouldn't think about it. He would just sleep and when he woke up his mind would have settled down.
This was hardly important.
