Chapter Five – Sex Sour Sugar
(Mari is © me, all others © Katsuhiro Otomo.)
The dormitory was dark, and the air was cold, and it was starting to rain again. Slowly, slowly, Kaori pulled her nightdress on over her head, and folded her clothes and put them back in the wardrobe.
She kept the light off. She could hide in the grey shadows.
Slowly, she walked down to the bathroom and brushed her teeth and washed her face and hands.
She wanted to jump into the shower and turn on the water and burn herself up in it. Her feet were damp and gritty from walking home in sandals. Her hair smelt of coconut still and it was making her feel sick.
It was the girl with coconut-smelling hair who'd had this happen to her. Maybe if she washed it off –
No. The water would probably be cold at this hour anyway.
And it wasn't just her hair that felt wrong.
As if she'd been shaken too hard, and something in her head had snapped.
I didn't want him to touch me –
He was only some guy.
I didn't want it –
Slowly she walked back to her room, and closed the door, and turned off the light, and got into bed.
And lay down.
Mari had said it would be all right.
His stomach against hers, breathing slowly, his skin cold. His arm round her shoulders, his pulse flickering against her throat. His hands had been gentle, and –
His hair had slipped out of that side parting he normally had it in –
She didn't want to be able to know stuff like that –
She didn't want to know that he always picked the sweet corn out of his food – that he hated milk – that he rode a green bike with Dunlop tyres –
She didn't want to know that his mouth tasted dry, confident – she didn't want to know that under his shirt his skin was charred and cracked by scars –
She didn't want to know that once, he'd liked Yamagata – and she didn't want to know that he slept with hundreds of strangers for a bit of cash –
Why? Why was he doing it? And suddenly she was angry with him. If he hadn't done it this never would have happened, there wouldn't have been any risk, why was he doing it?
Girls pay you to…
Boys, mostly.
He'd sounded so calm about it.
Well, so what? Like Mari had said, it wasn't a big deal, was it? Maybe it was just what everyone did – paid, or was paid, and she was just being a baby as usual.
Does Tetsuo pay girls?
It felt like she'd been slapped. No. No, Tetsuo was with her, he'd never cheat on her, never, never –
You just cheated on him.
Kaori froze. Because it was true, wasn't it?
You just cheated on him.
Sleeping with someone you didn't know was stupid, but it didn't matter (did it?) It was like, like touching yourself to make you feel good. All boys thought that (didn't they?)
Sleeping with Kai, on the other hand –
It wouldn't matter that she hadn't known it was him. The important thing would be that it was him, one of Tetsuo's friends, and when – if – Tetsuo found out, he would be very, very angry.
Well, he wouldn't find out. Kai didn't want anyone to find out either. They'd both keep it quiet.
She closed her eyes, and curled up in the cold, mildewy bed. After a while she stretched her arms and legs out to remind herself she was alone, and then hugged her body, stroked her skin with cold fingers, and wished she could stop remembering the darkness and his scarred skin pressed against her.
The next morning the sun shone, and the raindrops on her window had vanished.
She'd just got dressed when she heard footsteps running up the stairs, and then someone battered on the door of her room, and she heard Mari call, "Kaori? You awake yet?"
Oh, no. No. The last thing she wanted was to talk about last night.
She kept silent.
"Kaori! Come on!"
Slowly, slowly, Kaori crept back from the door to her bed. If she could pretend to sleep – Mari would come in any second – but –
She slipped on a T-shirt she'd left on the floor, yelped, fell, put out a hand to stop herself, and it caught a pile of schoolbooks on her desk and sent them flying.
"Kaori, what are you doing in there?"
"Hi, Mari." Sighing, Kaori picked herself up, slunk over to the door and opened it. Mari swept in, looking far too bright and awake in a lemon-yellow sundress.
"Hi! So? How'd it go?"
"Fine."
"Kaori, I want details."
Kaori felt herself blushing. "There's nothing to tell. We, um, you know. Then I came back here."
"So how do you feel now?"
Terrible.
"All right, I guess…"
"That's the spirit! Now listen. I'm going out with the Capsules tonight –"
"But nearly all of them are –"
"Yeah, so?" Mari giggled. "If I can't convert any of them I can damn well try. Anyway, Tanaka's off doing some bike thing, and my other guy – the one who fixed you up last night – doesn't like seeing me out of school. So I invited myself. Yamagata and Kaneda will be snogging each other's faces off, but Tetsuo's gonna be there. You come with me, okay?"
"But I –"
"Kaori, you have to come. Otherwise the only person I'll have to talk to is Kai, and he's no fun these days."
"Kai's coming?"
"Well, why wouldn't he?" Mari frowned. "He's part of the gang, right? Don't tell me you're scared of him. He's sweet."
She didn't want to see Kai, because their eyes would meet and that would tell her it definitely hadn't all been a dream –
"I don't want to go, Mari. I – I don't feel so good."
"Kaori, I am not falling for that. Look, if you don't come, Tetsuo will think you really don't like him…"
No. She couldn't let that happen. Tetsuo had to see she liked him, she did, honest, it wasn't her fault she'd slept with Kai…
"All right," she whispered. "I'll come."
"Yay!" Mari giggled. "This'll be so cool. Don't worry, Kaori. You and Tetsuo will make up and it'll be really sappy. Okay? Okay. I'll call for you tonight."
Kaori swallowed as Mari ran out of the door again. She didn't want to go. She wanted to have an early night in bed on her own, and she did not want to see Kai.
She should have said no. Both times.
But Mari had been right. Mari was always right. Most people were.
It wouldn't matter.
Neither of them would tell, and everything would be okay.
"Hey, Kai, we're going out with that Mari girl tonight," Kaneda called. "You coming?"
"What time?"
"About nine, I think. Why? It's not like you got anything else on, is it?"
"No. I'll come."
"Wow, he's actually doing something normal," Kaneda muttered under his breath. "Tetsuo, what about you?"
"Mari's a slut," Tetsuo muttered. "And even she don't need all four of us."
"Well, she ain't having me or Yamagata, is she?" Kaneda grinned, and Kai found himself wanting to punch him. "And I don't know what the hell is going on with Kai –"
"I don't mind hanging out with her –"
Mari.
Kaori's friend, who'd set up their little meeting last night.
But she hadn't met him, had she? And surely – surely – Shimura wouldn't have told her who it was she was buying for a friend.
Yeah. It would be fine. He just had to act normal and she'd never guess.
"Anyway," Kaneda said to Tetsuo, "Kaori's coming. So you got to come too."
Kaori was coming? Kai swallowed. Oh, no. No way was he going to sit and let her meet his eyes and spend the whole evening thinking about what they knew.
"Why should I care if Kaori's coming?" Tetsuo said darkly. "Bitch thinks she's it. I don't need her hanging around me."
"Yeah," Kai said. "Maybe I'll pass as well, actually. I got to, uh, got to…"
Kaneda scowled at them both. "What is it with you two? Suddenly decided you need to stay in and do your homework?"
"Kaori and I aren't speaking," Tetsuo said. "So why should I come?"
"What is it with Kaori?" Kaneda said. "I mention her and the two of you go all funny. So she ain't that hot, big deal –"
"She's hot enough," Tetsuo snapped, and then, more quietly, said, "Okay, fine, I'll come. Just don't expect me to enjoy it."
"Kai?"
Kai swallowed. If he dropped out now, they'd all be wondering what his problem with Kaori was. And he didn't have a problem with Kaori. Kaori was cool, and nice, and very, very quiet, and didn't gossip at all about anything she'd seen or done…
"Fine," he said. "I'll come."
"Cool." Kaneda sighed. "Now I just got to find Yamagata."
"Where is he, anyway?" Tetsuo asked. "Got bored with you?"
"No, actually," Kaneda said. "Not if last night was anything to go by –" He wolf-whistled. "That sure wasn't boring…"
Oh, good, Kai thought. So they've got it together properly. Yay.
And you can't complain because you told 'em to get back together, remember? So shut up and play nice. Go out. Have fun.
Kaori? he reminded his thoughts, and they curled up with a groan.
Dance music muttered quietly under the clink of glasses and crackle of the Harukiya's TV.
Kai leant back against his seat, let his eyes wander round the room, and as his eyes met Kaori's, dived for his drink and took a deep swallow. The alcohol began to burn its way into his stomach, and he shut his eyes, and sighed.
They'd been here for an hour and a half, and he was really, really wishing he hadn't come. Not only had Kaneda and Yamagata started kissing as soon as they'd drunk their first pints, Tetsuo was sulking, Mari was way too cheerful, and some dumb twist of fate had made it that Kaori was sitting exactly opposite him so his eyeballs were aching from not looking at her.
"What time is it?" he said.
Kaori was the only one wearing a watch. She glanced at it, opened her mouth to reply, and then blushed.
"It's okay," Kai said quickly.
"What's with you tonight?" Tetsuo asked Kaori. "You're acting like you wet yourself or something."
"I'm fine," Kaori said. She didn't look at him. "I am fine. Really."
Tetsuo rolled his eyes, and slumped back against his seat. "Yeah, Kaori. Whatever."
"I'm going up to the bar," Mari said. "Anyone else want anything?"
"Me," Tetsuo said.
"Count us in," Kaneda said in a muffled voice, and then turned back to Yamagata.
"Me," Kai snapped. "Quick."
"Kaori,
what about you?" Mari asked. "Don't
tell me you're designated driver."
"Oh – uh,
yeah, sure." Kaori blushed. "Another coke, then."
"I am not getting you coke," Mari said. "Malibu and coke, maybe. Okay?"
Kaori sighed, and nodded.
The jukebox ground to a halt, and the bar fell silent except for the clatter of glasses, and gasps and rustles from Yamagata and Kaneda's end of the table.
Kai looked at the tabletop. He looked at the ceiling. He glanced sideways at the other couples and stoners sprawled around the bar. He tried not to look at Kaori, but damn her, it wasn't working. His eyes kept catching on her, and whenever that happened, scenes from last night sliced through his mind. Him kissing her. Him holding her on Mari's bed. Him feeling the smoothness of her back. Her hair soft under his hands.
He didn't want to remember this. It was no big deal after all. She'd chosen to do it, hadn't she? Stupid dumb slut. If she said one word he'd kill her –
She'd made his own secret too heavy suddenly. It was pressing down on his lungs.
She looked so frightened now.
Somehow he should have stopped it –
No. She should have stopped it. He'd just been doing what he was told.
Wow. You really are pathetic.
Mari came back with the drinks, clutching them against her chest, and Kai dived on his and poured most of it down his throat. But the warmth it made didn't last long. Soon it had been swallowed up by the coldness oozing round his ribs as Kaori sank further and further back into her seat, and stared down at her lap. Mari put down the last drink, and sprawled herself out next to Kaneda and Yamagata.
The evening melted into a hot, dark night. They'd originally planned to go find a club or something, but no one could be bothered to move.
"Kaori?"
Kaori turned, her heart burning painfully against her ribs. She felt so confused. The world was rippling gently underneath her, like it had turned into a waterbed. She didn't want to be here. She wanted to go home and go to bed.
"What?" she said to Tetsuo.
"Um…so. How's things?"
"They're fine." Could he tell? It felt like Kai had marked her face where he'd kissed her. Maybe if she took her clothes off Tetsuo would see Kai's fingerprints on her skin. Kai had put an arm round her shoulders –
"Cool. Look. Um. You know…"
"Yes?" She'd seen Kai with no clothes on, skin pale in the darkness –
"I don't…" He stopped. "I mean…ah, nothing."
"All right."
She wished he hadn't stopped talking to her. Now the memories were pouring down through her eyes, thick and dark and choking. They watched her from the shadows of the bar, they leered up at her from the twisted reflections in her glass, they touched her shoulders and when she looked round there was no one there –
"I didn't realise you were so mad with me," Tetsuo said at last, grumpily. "Okay? It wasn't like I meant to upset you."
Over and over again, behind her eyes, she pulled her clothes off and sat naked in Mari's room. Over and over Kai kissed her and pushed her down onto the bed. And she shut her eyes – and he was inside her – sleeping with the darkness – hands on her skin – candlelight – orange blossom – hands – darkness – clothes – kissing –
"Tetsuo…I don't feel so good –"
She leapt to her feet, and ran for the nearest bathroom.
"Probably the Malibu," Mari muttered. "I better go after her – I don't think she realises there's no girls' room here…"
She got to her feet, and hurried after Kaori, hips swaying in her sundress. Kaneda wolf-whistled after her.
"What?" he said as Yamagata glared at him. "She's hot."
Yamagata shrugged. "You don't wanna get involved with her. She's a slut. You wanna – wanna get involved with me." The drink was making him feel warmer, but warmer meant slower. Sleepy in the heat.
"Sure I do." Kaneda kissed him again, tasting of beer and peanuts. "I just like getting involved with most people, you know? I like people." He snickered, and squeezed Yamagata's thigh, and kissed him again.
Mari came back from the
bathroom, leading a pale, sweaty-faced Kaori.
"You should be okay now, honey.
Maybe you should stick to coke, though."
Kaori sank down into her seat
and buried her face in her hands. Tetsuo
glanced at her, then said abruptly, "Kaori, you need
some fresh air. I'll take you outside."
Kaori glanced helplessly from him to Kai, then let him help her up, and stumbled towards the steps.
"Move on to the other side, Kai," Mari said. "I wanna sit next to Kaneda."
Kai shrugged, picked up his glass, and walked more or less steadily round to the other side of the table. There he slumped down in Tetsuo's place, and sighed, and took another mouthful of his drink.
Yamagata shut his eyes and slid down into the darkness of the seat, Kaneda warm on top of him. Down in the darkness he was happy. Sounds faded. All he could hear was Mari giggling, and all he could feel was Kaneda – and that was good –
He dozed off for a bit, maybe, because the next thing he knew, he was colder, because Kaneda wasn't kissing him any more. Instead – instead –
The jukebox was pounding again, playing that weird bamboo-pipe music Kaneda always chose. And there were voices. Two voices.
"So anyway, a guy walks into a bar…or is it a penguin? Nah…that's that other one…"
A shriek of laughter. "Kaneda, you're pissed out of your skull."
"No I'm not, babe. Trust me, this joke's dynamite. Anyway, yeah…well, something happens. And then – something else happens!"
Yamagata knew that joke. That was Kaneda's seduction joke. Normally Kaneda wasn't so pissed when he tried to tell it – although in Yamagata's opinion it still wasn't actually funny –
Why was he telling it now?
"So, what do you like doing?" Kaneda was asking. "I mean, what sorta stuff?"
"Oh, I could show you what I like doing," Mari said, in a voice so pathetically seductive Yamagata could practically smell the cheap perfume.
"Heh…and I thought all those rumours about you weren't true."
"Why, what rumours have you heard, sweetie?"
"That you really know how to make a guy feel good."
Then they both giggled. For a long, long time.
Yamagata found himself grinding his teeth. He hadn't ground his teeth for ages. "Geez, why can't you shut up?" he said. "You sound like a pair of – of – what's those things that laugh –"
"Hyenas," Kai said gloomily, and, resting his head on his hands, stared into the bottom of his glass.
"Yeah. That's it."
"Ooh, someone getting jealous?" Mari fluttered her eyelashes. "Don't worry, there's plenty of room for you too."
Yamagata knew he should think of a snappy comeback, but all the beginnings were lost in the back of his mind. "Yeah, well, whatever," he finished finally. "I'm gonna…go to the bathroom or something."
Kaneda and Mari didn't even look round.
When he came back, they were sitting right next to each other, and Kaneda had an arm round her shoulders, and was drumming his fingers just above her left breast.
Yamagata dimly wondered why this was bugging him so much. Kaneda was a fling, that was all, nothing more nothing less. Who cared if the guy still liked girls? It wasn't important.
He's supposed to be with me…what, am I not good enough for you?…dumb slutty cow thinks she's it…he's a jerk, can't keep his hands off anything that moves…
He wanted to kick the table over, smash the glasses, hurl the chairs across the room; anything to show Kaneda who was boss.
And he didn't want to just go and sit down next to them and act like a sap.
And the only other place was next to Kai. Kai. Kai who was…hot. Hot? Yeah. Kai who was hot. And if Kaneda could go off with someone else, so could he.
He dropped down next to Kai, who frowned. "What're you doing round this side of the table? Kaneda's over there."
"Yeah, but he's busy."
"I guess." They both studied Mari and Kaneda. The two were as close as you could be without actually kissing, and Yamagata could bet kissing wouldn't be long coming.
He sighed, and moved nearer to Kai.
"I don't care, though," he said, keeping his voice low. "He can go with whoever the hell he wants. It's just a fling. So…you come here often?"
Kai grinned. "You been hitting the beer too hard, man."
"Hey, I'm not pissed." Yamagata glanced at him out of the corner of his eye. "When I'm pissed I try and kiss everyone in sight."
"Well, Kaneda sure seemed happy a moment ago." Had Kai tensed, just for a moment?
"Yeah, but he's my
boyfriend. When I'm real pissed I hit on
my friends too."
"But – you're not that
pissed. Not tonight."
"I'm not sure…"
Kai actually laughed this time, the first time Yamagata had heard him laugh for ages. "You're a big dumb loveable idiot, that's what you are."
"Hey, we're going out!" Mari called. "Kaneda's gonna show me his bike…"
Yamagata felt the fury slam him in the stomach again. Bastard. Showing me his bike. Hah, he knew exactly what that meant. It wasn't the bike who'd be getting some action tonight.
But I will.
"I'm an idiot?" he said to Kai. "Gee, that's so sweet."
"What can I say? I'm just charming."
The bar was almost empty now. Yamagata liked it that way. You could do what you wanted when a place was empty.
"Yeah," he said. "Yeah, you are."
Kai frowned – had obviously picked up on the sappy tone of that last line – but no worries, because Yamagata knew what to do now.
So he did it. He leaned over, and kissed Kai.
He'd never done this before. He'd never even really thought of doing it before. But it was nice. It was really nice. Kai's mouth was gentle, and he tensed as if he was scared – Kaneda had never done that –
As they broke apart, Kai stared at him, eyes huge, and then shook his head fiercely. "No. No way – not you too –"
"What? Didn't you like it?"
"I don't know if I liked it!" Kai snapped.
"So let's try it again." Yamagata clutched his shoulders, and did so.
This time Kai kissed back – almost angrily, like he was defying someone Yamagata couldn't see – and when they separated he was gasping for breath, and their eyes met, and Kai's were narrowed, and then he clutched his forehead like it was aching.
Yamagata kissed him again.
Tetsuo kept his arm round Kaori as they walked up and down the street. The air was cool, and she wasn't looking green any more. That had to be good.
"You all right now?" he said.
"Yeah. It – it was just the drink…"
"You want to go back inside?"
"Not – not really. I –"
"Okay." To tell the truth, he didn't really want to go back either. Kaneda was driving him nuts. The guy thought he was such a big-shot. It was nicer out here. The air was soft as water, and stroked his head.
He led her round to where the bikes were, and they both sat down on his. Normally she'd rest her head against his shoulder, but this time she was sitting bolt upright as if she expected something to come attack her at any moment.
"What is it, Kaori?" he said. "Why're you so jumpy?"
"No reason. I mean – I'm not jumpy."
She must still be mad with him and this was her slightly weird way of showing it.
But he wasn't mad with her no more. He was really kind of sorry he'd blown up at her like that. The next twenty-four hours had sucked. Kaori may be a drip, but he liked having her around, he'd decided.
So that was why he was going to do this.
"Kaori," he said. "Uh – I'm sorry."
"Huh?"
"For – for that stuff I said yesterday. It's not like I really meant it, okay? And I didn't know you were getting so mad with me. You should've said earlier, right?"
She stared at him, and then laughed, feebly, and then the laugh turned into tears, and she sobbed into his chest.
"Kaori, what is it?"
"Oh Tetsuo…I'm sorry…I'm so sorry…"
"For what?"
She laughed again, a stupid laugh that he was pretty sure didn't mean anything was funny, and said, "Oh…for, you know, yelling at you. I'm sorry too…"
"That's okay." He put an arm round her, suddenly feeling very proud of himself. Okay, so the guys still treated him like a kid, but he could sure handle his girlfriend. His Kaori.
She was shivering. He pulled his jacket off, and wrapped it round her shoulders, and they sat together on the bike, staring up at the faraway sky.
Kai wished he hadn't drunk so much. Yamagata's arms round his neck – maybe things would be clearer – maybe he'd know what he was meant to be doing – maybe he'd know whether he liked this or not – they were squashed against each other, and it had to be the drink that was making him fall into the other guy's lap…one half of his brain was trying to switch him off, trying to make him not care about this because he didn't care about Yamagata, he didn't care about anyone –
The other half was giggling like a lunatic and hissing It's Yamagata and I like him and he's kissing me and it rules –
Yamagata was clutching him, warm against him, and he didn't know what to think. He didn't know why this was happening. And when your mind felt like it was unravelling, all you could do was panic –
"Stop it," he hissed. The bar was empty now. Even the barman had gone out back for something. "Stop it, you don't understand –"
Yamagata stared at him, his eyes dark and drunk. "What is it? You – you been crushing on me since always. I – I thought you'd be happy –"
Kai wished Yamagata would stop looking at him. Those eyes were so beautiful…he wanted to stare into them for ever and ever and ever, yes he wanted Yamagata, he wanted to be kissed, held –
And then what? Either Yamagata would soon stop kissing him, and he didn't want it to stop; or they'd be doing other stuff, and – and that stuff was all way too confusing and he didn't want to do it – or maybe he did – ah, shit, why couldn't he think straight?
"I am happy," he said, trying to explain it to Yamagata. "But I can't be. You'll only go away – you're going out with –"
Yamagata tried to kiss him again, but he turned his head away. He didn't want to – he didn't want to – but he had to. The bar was so silent – the jukebox clicked – footsteps rattled on the stairs outside – Yamagata slid away from him.
"Fine, whatever," Yamagata snapped. "What the hell do you want, Kai? I'll give you whatever you want, s'just this is gonna really piss Kaneda off…come on, play ball…"
Kai felt like he'd just been punched. He shook Yamagata's hands off him, and yelled, "So that's it! You – you don't want me – you just want to damn well hire me – well, you know what, I'm used to that – so fine, go on, just pay me and I'll do whatever –"
Yamagata was gaping at him, and suddenly Kai realised what he was about to say, and what he'd just said, and closed his mouth so hard it hurt his jaw, and stared at Yamagata, who frowned, and said, "What do you mean, you're used to it?"
The drink wasn't going to stop him backtracking. Quickly he said, "I mean – I mean every girl who I ever went out with was using me to make someone else jealous – no one ever just wanted me –"
He slumped down on the seat again, and sighed.
"No one ever just wanted me," he said again, hearing his voice shaking because it was all so sad. "And you're just the same."
"No, come on, Kai, I didn't mean it like that."
"Then how did you mean it?"
"Look, forget it. Let's just – go home. Kaneda and Mari don't look like they're coming back – and Tetsuo and Kaori probably left by now –"
Kai got to his feet, and stumbled. His brain didn't seem quite on balance. He giggled, and said, "Can't go home. I ride my bike, I'll end up in a shop window, or…"
"We'll think of something. You need to sleep it off, you know that?"
"You're as out of it as me."
"Not."
"Are."
"Not…"
"Are!" Kai stumbled again, and Yamagata caught him round the waist. His hands were warm, and Kai wished he wouldn't let go –
No, no, he didn't – what was with him tonight?
When they got up to the pavement, their bikes were the only ones left. Kai saw Yamagata glower at the spot where Kaneda's had been.
"We'll wheel 'em," Yamagata said at last, pointing at his bike with a wobbling finger. "How's that?"
"We'll look stupid."
"No we won't. Don't worry all the time, Kai."
"I ain't worrying…"
"Hey, you know what, I didn't – I didn't mean to make you mad."
"Forget it." Kai wished he meant that. He wouldn't be able to forget it.
Yamagata didn't want him. Of course he didn't. Yamagata liked Kaneda, and everything he did was gonna be bound up with that, and he, Kai, was only someone to use to make Kaneda jealous.
And Yamagata wasn't even paying him for it.
And yet he couldn't care because his body was going all tingly and thirsty for more.
It was dark outside, and the air was hot and heavy. Kai rubbed sweat off his forehead as he began to wheel his bike along the road.
He couldn't see Kaori or Tetsuo anyway, and that was good. Another problem. Man, when had this started to get so confusing? It wasn't like any of it meant anything – it wasn't like any of it mattered –
They reached his dorm at last. Yamagata was starting to look sleepy, but he grinned, clapped Kai on the shoulder, and said, "I'll see you 'round, huh?"
"Uh-huh."
"We're still friends?"
"Sure we are."
Sure we are.
You don't like me in that way. You're just pissed and you're gonna be real confused tomorrow when you remember what happened. We're friends. Just friends.
You bastard.
