Chapter Seven - Blood Loss Sugar
(A/N: I own Shimura and Mari, and sort of own Tanaka (but you can have him if you want, I honestly don't mind.); everyone else is © Katsuhiro Otomo as you've probably figured by now (but I daren't screw around with disclaimers). I'm sorry this chapter is kind of long but.it just turned out that way. As always, thanks to everyone who reviewed!)
Kaori plunged the mop into the bucket. Cold, scummy droplets of water splattered over her ankles as she wrenched it out again and dragged it over the grubby sports hall floor, and sighed.
She'd cried so hard her head was pounding, but now the tears were gone. So were most of her thoughts. Random scraps of words rattled through her mind every so often. Words like trouble and Tetsuo and Kai and they'll kill me.
She wished there was someone else here. It was five p.m. Everyone had left ages ago, and she stood in the empty sports hall, serving out her detention for consorting with bad people.
And for ratting out those people.
What would happen to Kai? After she'd said - what she'd said - Miss Osaka had left her in the office, 'to think about what you've done' and then gone to tell the principal. There would have been phone calls, plans made. Kai would be in much more trouble than her.
He'd hate her. Like Tetsuo would hate her.
One little mistake and everyone would hate her. But maybe that was okay. She probably deserved it. She should have just said no -
Would that have been so hard you slut you dumb bitch -
And the mean voices in her head just wouldn't shut up.they tore chunks out of her, and when she began to cry, they laughed and said Typical, you're such a baby.
She stared down at the dusty footprints covering the floor, and blinked as they blurred, and rubbed her hand across her eyes.
So she hadn't run out of tears after all. And her face stung so much from all the salt -
"Kaori?"
"Tetsuo!"
He was standing, head round the door, squinting at her through the sunlight.
"I been looking for you all day. I heard you got hauled in by that bitch Osaka."
"I -"
"Hey, come on." He walked over to her, put an arm round her. "She didn't hurt you, did she? I thought us guys got the worst of it around here. If she did I'll go punch her lights out for you, how about that?"
She wanted to smile, but misery filled her throat instead and she dropped the mop and buried her face in his chest and sobbed.
"Kaori?" He actually looked worried, she noticed through the tears. "What the hell happened, anyway? You gotta stop crying -"
"I - she was asking about something - someone - and I - I couldn't stop, I just told everything, I was so scared - please don't hate me, please -" The words flooded out, like twigs in a sea of tears.
"It wasn't nothing about me, was it?"
"No, but -"
"Then of course I won't hate you, dummy. Look, don't worry about it, okay? So she got you to admit something. I - I done that, too, when I was little. Forget it. Come on. Let's go someplace."
Kaori let him lead her out of the sports hall, his arm warm round her shoulders. When she was standing next to him like this she was constantly surprised at how he'd grown. When he'd been little they'd been about the same height, and he'd been as skinny as she was. Now he was taller - she had to look up a little to see his face - and his body was harder, older - and when he was angry she saw muscles, proper ones, tense under his skin.
And he still liked her.
She couldn't lose him. She couldn't. She'd keep the secret locked inside her mouth for ever.
You can't do that, idiot. You let it out once, and now it's going to explode and rip your head open.
***
Yamagata put the finishing touches to his bike, rocked back on his heels, and stared at the golden sky. It was like a thin layer of syrup had been painted over it. Syrup dirtied by the Neo-Tokyo air, but syrup all the same.
The sun was starting to set. It was seven p.m.
I'll come fix my bike in about an hour.
Yeah, like hell he would! Bastard. Dumb stupid bastard.
Why's it bother you so much?
It's this dumb secret he's got, whatever it is.
I thought you talked that over with him.
Yamagata sighed, and leant forward, and rested his arms on the seat of his bike.
Maybe he was wrong. Maybe there was no secret. Maybe Kai just had changed, and they weren't gonna be friends any more. One of those growing-apart things.
Why did he feel so kind of - lonely, and like all the happiness had been burst inside him, when he thought of that?
Because you're a sap, he answered himself. Geez, get over it all. He stood up, and dragged the bits of Kai's bike into a pile, and threw the dust sheet back over it. It'd probably stay like that for ever now. In fifty years time they'd bother to clean out the yard, and find it, rusty and out-of-date, and dump it. And Kai would never have come back for it. Never have come out riding again. Gone and found some other friends. Some dumb nerdy friends who weren't right for him, fucking bastards deserved to have their skulls smashed in.
They're not real, remember?
Oh yeah.
He jumped onto his bike, and revved out of the yard. But the thoughts weren't dead yet.
I don't think Kai has changed so much, he told himself. We still had fun today, right? It had been one of the best afternoons he'd had for a long time. And Kai had hung around for like hours, and had made bike-related comments (which showed he still knew the difference between a bike and a cardboard box with wheels drawn on the sides, which had to be good). No. He hadn't changed. He'd enjoyed himself, Yamagata was sure.
So why the hell had he suddenly dashed away like that?
Because of this stupid secret, whatever it was, which was really beginning to piss him off.
But Kai said it wasn't anything bad. And surely he'd tell if it was.
Unless he was trying to be tough and show he could handle everything on his own.
You could tell me. I'd help you.
I want to help you.
You are being a sap, he told his brain. Okay? Kai ain't your boyfriend or nothing. So stop thinking mushy thoughts over him. It's dumb.
Kaneda is your boyfriend.
Yeah. Kaneda. He'd forgotten him.
There'd be a battle tonight. And if he got all Kai-obsessed in that, he'd be turned into pulp before he could blink. So he should get over it. Looking out for the guy was fine, but.but.
Well, he just knew when he thought of him his mind shouldn't be going all.shiny, and his mouth shouldn't keep wanting to smile.
Tomorrow, he thought, reaching his own dorm and skidding to a halt in the alley behind it, tomorrow he'd grill Kai over where he'd gone. But tonight he'd focus on Clowns, riding, and cool stuff. He'd head out to the Harukiya at nine or summat. And before that he'd do anything that didn't involve Kai.
***
Well, okay, he thought an hour later. But thinking about him doesn't involve him, right?
He'd lurked in his room, watching the shadows cross the ceiling as the sun set, and his mind had wandered.
Not his fault it liked visiting Kai a lot.
Once or twice he'd forced it onto Kaneda, but that didn't give him goose bumps the way it had once.
But whatever. He had to not exhaust himself for the fight tonight.
You could've headed out to the Harukiya ages ago. Or scouted. But you didn't. You wanted to stay home, and -
Shut up, he told his mind.
Far below him, in the bowels of the building, he heard the phone ring. One. Twice. Three times. He'd lost count by the time it was answered. There was a pause, then footsteps, which got closer - closer -
There was a loud banging on the door, and some guy hollered, "Yamagata, you in here? There's some kid on the phone for you."
"What do you mean, some kid?"
"How the hell should I know? He asked to speak to you."
Muttering, Yamagata swung himself off his bed and onto the floor, and then out into the draughty, concrete corridor. Geez, this place looked more like a prison every damn day. He stumbled down the steps, and finally reached the phone.
"Yeah? Who is it?"
"Yamagata?"
It was Kai. It was Kai, and he sounded.miserable.
"Yeah. Kai, what's with you?"
"I, um, I sort of.um, how'd you feel about giving me a lift from Shibuya Police Station?"
"What the hell are you doing in Shibuya Police Station?"
"Can you pick me up or not?" Kai said, and his voice was bruised, and shaking slightly? Nah, Yamagata told himself. You're going deaf.
"If you can't," Kai continued, "just say, and I'll start walking."
"Oh, don't get all guilt-trippy on me. I'm coming."
"Thanks," Kai whispered, and then the line went dead.
***
The police station glowed with fluorescent light. Kai sat on a bench next to the night's crop of delinquents, druggies, resistance fighters, crazies and people who'd got speeding tickets. The air was full of resentful muttering, curses, and distant screams of pain from disciplinary interrogations.
They'd known. Somehow, they'd known.
Apparently, the school had got a lead on him. They'd called the cops. The cops had staked out the joint, saw him come in, and set up a trap, and like the stupid, dumb moron that he was, he'd walked into it. Oh, yay. Give the small kid a prize.
They hadn't spoken to him much. Just dragged him down here, let him cool his heels in a cell for a bit, then given him a caution, snickered a lot, and left him on this bench with a 'recommendation' to speak to the principal the next morning. Oh, that was gonna be fun.
His stomach was growling with a mixture of anger and fear. He'd been so stupid.and they'd laughed at him and he hated them for it.and - and for the first time, doing what he'd been doing didn't seem normal, suddenly he was remembering people disapproved, people thought it was disgusting - Shimura had never told him about that, never warned him, maybe even Shimura wasn't gonna help him any more -
He was being stupid sitting here panicking. He took a deep breath, rubbed a hand across his eyes, and glanced at the door to see if Yamagata had got here yet.
It had been even worse when they'd hauled him out for questioning. Lucky they were expecting the school to deal with it properly, or he'd be searching for his teeth about now. He didn't want to betray Shimura, but he knew what the cops did to people who made trouble.
He wished the other guys were here too. They could've joked about, acted tough, kept calm. Him on his own he didn't felt calm at all, he felt like he'd eaten ants or something.
That was why he'd called Yamagata. He wasn't scared of the dark, not really. He just wanted to see someone. Someone he trusted.
The door slammed back against the wall, and Yamagata stood there, glaring round the corridor. Kai resisted the urge to run over and hug him. Instead he stood up, and walked calmly down to the doorway, trying not to scurry.
"So?" Yamagata frowned down at him, face shadowed from the light of the police station windows, as they walked outside. "What did you do?"
"Nothing."
"Kai!"
"Nothing. Come on. Let's go."
Oh, yeah. This was the other problem.
How exactly to put it to Yamagata?
Hey, you know you called Mari a whore? Well.
You know all those dumb rumours going around school? Guess what.
I don't have a boyfriend, but.
Oh, shit.
He jumped onto the bike behind Yamagata, and they roared off down the street.
Even on a bike, with the engine snarling around them, and cars screeching by swearing and hooting, Kai could still feel the icy silence Yamagata was wrapping around them both.
I've got to tell him. I've got to.
Someone get me out of this. Please?
No. They still rode. The icy air stung his face. Little flecks of grit rattled on the sides of the bike.
Suddenly they screeched to a halt.
Kai frowned. They'd parked in a small side-street. The air was even colder here, and cars tore past them, blazing light through his eyes.
"Well?" Yamagata said, getting off the bike.
"Well what?"
"Well, either you tell me what the hell is going on, or we don't move. I could get to like this place, you know."
"Why do you care?"
"Let's say I'm curious. Your bike's a heap of junk in the yard, and what other shit could you get into?"
"Maybe I'm sick of you poking your nose into my business."
He almost wished Yamagata would drive off and leave him. Yeah. That would sort everything. No confession. Nothing.
It didn't matter that he'd be alone again. Did it?
But Yamagata didn't move. Just stood, arms folded, watching.
"I can wait," he said.
Kai stopped looking at him, and stared at the seat of the bike, picked at the scars and marks covering its surface.
I can't.
You're gonna have to.
But I can't.
You got to do it, man. So do it now. It mightn't be as bad as you think.
Like hell it won't be as bad as I think.
He felt like he was shaking all over. Like any minute he'd panic and run screaming into the traffic. Like he'd do, say, give anything to get out of this.
But the cars still roared, and Yamagata stood, still waiting.
Here goes. Kai swallowed and wished his stomach wasn't so queasy.
"I'm a rent boy," he said.
There was a long, long silence. He realised he'd stopped breathing, and took a gulp of petrol-burnt air.
"What?" Yamagata said at last.
"I'm a rent boy," he said. His voice sounded harsher now, and it hurt his throat. "I get screwed for money. The cops found out and busted me. That's why I was arrested. I do it every afternoon at half-four. I'm not biking any more because it got too weird. Okay?"
"You are kidding," Yamagata said.
"No, I'm not."
"You're not?"
"No!"
Another silence. Kai was really beginning to hate the silences. He could hear his heart beating, too fast, too loud, it made him feel dizzy.
"How could you be so fucking stupid?" Yamagata yelled at him.
"What?"
"You - you idiot! You complete moron!" Yamagata grabbed him by the shoulders, shaking him, and yelled into his face. "You, you could get sick, you could catch summat horrible, you could be kidnapped and tortured to death by some serial killer who kept your body in the bathtub, you, you don't even need to do it cos it's not like you're on the streets, you got a place to sleep and three meals a day and everything, I can't believe you'd be so damn dumb!"
Another silence, but this time Kai could feel resentment hardening round any other feelings like a nutshell. And the hardness seeped into his voice, and, shaking Yamagata's hands off him, he was able to retort:
"And since when did you care about any of that stuff? You said, it's not like you're perfect! You drink! You bike! You do loads of dumb stuff just to make yourself look cool. Why don't you get over this?"
"Because it's gross?"
"You fuck guys just as much as me."
"From what you said, no one could fuck guys as much as you!"
"Oh, shut up. You don't know shit about it so don't give me a hard time."
"You deserve a hard time! You deserve to get your ass kicked for being such an idiot! Damn it - why? Why the hell are you doing it?"
Because I was lonely, and I missed you, and I sort of got too caught up, and Shimura.and then I couldn't stop.and I just wanted you back.
Kai rolled his eyes, and said, "Why not?"
Yamagata sighed, and as another pair of headlights flared up between them, said, "You really have changed."
"Wow. Amazing answer."
"I thought you were worried, or scared of summat. But you ain't. You've just changed into a total jerk."
I was worried.I was scared.and I feel like shit now, I don't want you to hate me, please Yama please don't hate me -
"Better than being a total wimp like you."
Yamagata's eyes narrowed, and for a moment he looked like he was going to hit out. Then he just shook his head, and said, "Get on the bike. Move it."
Kai didn't want to be close to Yamagata any more. The anger hung in the air like thunder, or earthquake vibrations. But he couldn't stay here all night.
Once he was back in his room he'd -
Yamagata was tensed, his shoulder blades sharp, his breathing quick and heavy. Kai felt like he was clutching a volcano.
Finally they reached the dorm. Yamagata screeched to a halt, and said through clenched teeth, "Get off. Now."
"You gonna tell the others?"
"No. I just never wanna see you again. That clear? I don't want to talk to you, I don't want to hang out with you, and I sure don't want to ride with you. Get it, Kaisuke? I have had it with you."
"You're breaking my heart," Kai sneered, jumping off the bike. "Don't know where you got the idea I cared."
Yamagata roared away, and Kai was left on the dark pavement.
The shadows were thick and sharp round here, and he was cold.
The steps were dark too, and the rooms were silent. He walked up to his room, wishing for light, for noise, for something to break up the odd, painful sobbing in the back of his mind. Who the hell would be crying in his head? He wasn't sorry about this.
No. He wasn't sorry.
His room was draughty, and the air felt damp. But he didn't care. He didn't need warmth. He didn't need light, anyway. He could find the scalpel in the dark just fine.
When he'd got it, the cool thin blade clutched in his hand, he put it on the desk, and then he pulled down the blind, leaving him in black-and-white night as the streetlamps reflected off it.
Then he took off his jacket and his shirt, and then he drew the scalpel down over the skin covering his ribs. Over and over again. This would be his distraction. This would be everything. This would save him. This would keep all the bad things away.
It would keep tomorrow away, when he had his nose broken or his eyes blacked, when he was told for the millionth time he was worthless scum who didn't deserve all the fucking privileges he'd been given, when Akio and Sento and the others noticed his friends had abandoned him again and started hurting him - when he had to tell Shimura what had happened -
And most of all, when he had to see again the scorn, the hate in Yamagata's eyes - and as he remembered he heard himself cry out and, angry at weakening, he gripped the scalpel tighter and slashed at his arms, his chest, his stomach until the blade seemed blunted and blood, smooth as stroking fingers, ran down his skin and held him and lowered him gently onto the floor, where he shut his eyes and let the darkness overwhelm him.
***
He awoke the next morning. The blood had dried on his skin, and itched, and the room smelt as if something had been slaughtered in it.
School.
And the principal.
And Yamagata.
He could bunk off. But why bother? Eventually he'd have to face it and he just wanted to face this as soon as possible. When you were going to commit social, educational and probably financial suicide, you may as well do it quickly.
Another pale, sunlit day. Maybe it would rain later.
***
As soon as he got into school he was marched down to wait in the corridor outside the principal's office. There were three chairs lined up there, institution grey folding ones, where you sat and waited and winced as the uncomfortable backs dug into your shoulders; and a strip light, flickering above him, the glass speckled with dirt. The carpet was worn. He dug his toes into the holes in it and tried to widen them.
Maybe he wasn't awake yet and this was a dream. It felt like a dream - like a movie in his head - and his eyes were tired enough.
Had Yamagata really said all that last night?
Yeah, that had to be real. Because it was hate, just like he'd expected.
He wouldn't be sad about that, though. The feelings were like a lump of metal stuck in his throat, a bubble maybe, a bubble that couldn't be burst.
No one wanted him. Again.
That's okay. You don't need anyone.
But he did. He kept remembering how Yamagata had moved close to him as they sat in the yard, and said I guess I was kinda scared.that something's really wrong.
He was worried about me.
Well, he isn't worried now.
No one was worried about him. You could worry about a victim. You couldn't worry about a pervert who chose to do something so twisted, so gross.
He had the scalpel in his pocket, and now he reached down and touched it, letting the blade nick his thumb slightly, and then stared at the dark, shiny bead of blood swelling up over the ridges of his fingerprint. A proper colour. Sharp and strong against the feeble weak-tea skin.
"Kai?"
He looked up, and Shimura sat down next to him.
"I heard what happened," he said. "Are you okay?"
Are you okay?
Someone did care. He was so grateful he wanted to hug Shimura right there and then; a thick, warm waterfall of affection burst through his chest, turning the world a sickly yellow-pink colour.
"Are you?" Shimura said again, frowning. "You look tired."
Was he okay? He wasn't sure, but he figured he must be, otherwise he wouldn't be here, he'd be dead or something.
"Yeah," he said, and tried to smile.
"The principal won't be happy."
"No."
"What are you going to say?"
"Not much."
"I'll put in a good
word for you. If you
want."
"Sure."
You'll be the only one.
Shimura glanced up and down the corridor, then leaned forward and kissed Kai. It was bliss, but bliss in the same sort of way as eating too many spoonfuls of sugar. He'd overdosed on this sort of thing. His body responded, leaned forward, gasped, but his mind curled up, feeling tired and sick, and wished it was back home in the bloodstains.
And when it tried to come back into real life, it was confused, and it remembered other kisses. Other people as dust on his lips. Kaori.
And Yamagata.
That thought had got in without him noticing, and although most of him was able to ignore it his eyes were weak, and they stung a little. Only his eyes though. His mind watched them as they blinked, and wondered why they were being so pathetic.
"Don't worry," Shimura whispered again, moving away from him. "I'll help you, okay? They hardly even notice I'm there, most of them. I can help. Just say nothing now, and then it'll all be over, and I can help you."
Kai rubbed his eyes, and then jabbed one hand into his pocket again, and the scalpel bit his palm. Shimura didn't notice. Instead he got up. "Come find me afterwards. Tell me how it went."
Kai nodded, and Shimura walked away. He'd just rounded the corner when the principal's secretary stuck her head out of her office and called to Kai, "All right, go in there now."
Kai got to his feet, and slunk towards the office door, still feeling as if he was sleepwalking, as if he was watching this from deep down in the darkness. The only thing he could really notice was Shimura's kisses. They would look after him. They'd protect him.
He pushed open the door, and walked in. Even in this dazed state, he could smell the change in the air. Thick carpet and polished wood, creamy, warm smells. No cigarette smoke or old soup like out in the rest of the school.
They were all three there, the principal at his desk, the vice principal standing next to him, and Mr Takaba looming off to the side. The blind was half-drawn, and the shady room was cold, as if people hadn't been using it enough. Outside the sky was faded blue, like old jeans.
"Shut the door, please."
They managed to make it sound like leaving a door open was just what they'd expect from a foul depraved individual like him.
He closed it - when the Capsules were all being yelled at together one of them usually slammed it, but he couldn't be bothered - and folded his arms, and stared down at the carpet.
"And what do you have to say for yourself?"
He shrugged, and felt his mind sink even further. The office was shady enough. If he kept his eyes half-shut, he could pretend he wasn't here at all.
"You have not only been caught engaging in behaviour of an irresponsible and disgusting kind, but you have let down the school. You have let down the school, and you have let down yourself."
His mind had got caught in a loop. Over and over it was replaying the section from last night when Yamagata had said I just never wanna see you again. Hate. Hate. He didn't want to remember this. He dragged his thoughts back onto Shimura instead.
"You are aware, I am sure, that your permanent record is not impressive, but it has never before contained anything like this."
And now his thoughts were slipping back even further, more voices, they walked out and left you, didn't they? Kaisuke, they're not coming back. They never loved you. I can't look after you. Who'd want you around anyway?
Never wanna see you again.
Never.
He bit down, hard, on his lower lip, and tasted more blood, warm, sharp enough to break the whispering in his head.
"There was some considerable debate about whether to remove you from this school altogether. That is still being decided. You will certainly be punished. But your punishment may be considerably less; if you tell us who else was involved in this."
There was a long silence, and Kai realised they wanted him to actually say something. Well, fuck that. He wasn't giving them any clues. He had enough problems as it was.
"No one."
"I find that hard to believe."
"No one. I did it myself. That's all."
How could he tell on Shimura? Shimura was the only thing stopping him from slipping into the darkness completely. Kisses like sugar sparkling in the sun. Just say nothing now.I can help you.
"You mentioned someone else to the police officer you - propositioned."
"I was making it up to sound cool." The sentences slid out from his mind, neat, pre-packaged, sold to people who wanted to be left alone.
"How did you get in contact with those you - worked with?"
"I took out a personal ad, dumbass."
The principal gave a deep sigh. "I see. Then I see no reason to continue with this interview. You will have the required number of penalty points added to your record - bringing you, I might add, very close to the regular courts next time you slip up - and you will be placed on detention after school until further notice. And if you are found doing anything like this again the consequences will be extremely serious."
"What, I ain't I allowed to invite people home?" He even managed to add sarcasm.
"You just crossed the line, short stuff," Mr Takaba said, walked forward, drew back his arm to punch - Kai gritted his teeth -
And then he was falling onto the carpet; pain, heavy, aching; and he closed his eyes, and tried to drown it in the darkness.
***
Shimura's classroom. Quiet; the sounds of the school far away outside its walls. And warm too. And softly grey from the drawn-down blinds.
Only one of Kai's eyes could see the greyness. The other, bruised shut, was being numbed by an ice pack.
"The dinner ladies have about ten of them in the fridge," Shimura had said. "They know the hazards in this place."
Now Kai sat, his hand and the right side of his face frozen as he pressed the ice pack to his black eye. Shimura was at his desk, doing some marking. No lessons here. Were there ever?
Good that there weren't. No one else here except Shimura who cared about him.
"You don't have to do
anything tonight," Shimura said. "Go
home and sleep, you look like you need it.
You can start again tomorrow."
"But - they'll be looking out
for me now. I'll get busted again."
"No, you won't. I'll arrange another meeting point, okay? I won't let you get into trouble."
Kai nodded, and closed his eyes.
"How long can I stay here?" he asked.
"All day, if you want. All my classes are doing research of their own this week."
You mean bunking off and going down to the bars, Kai translated. Well, good. No need to face the world. No need to face anyone.
***
Shimura let the pen scratch crosses into each book, and watched Kai from under his eyelids. The boy was staring round at the warm, shady walls, but he wasn't really seeing them, that was obvious. And every so often he sighed, or bit his lip, or blinked too hard.
Please don't worry. Don't be sad. I'll look after you.
He liked Kai being miserable because then he himself felt stronger. Black eyes, bruises, scars. Hold him, stroke his back, make him feel better, kiss him and his skin's still child-soft in places.
But he could have done without this. Neither of them needed the stress of discovery.
But he kept quiet about you, didn't he? So it'll all be fine.
Probably.
No matter how many times Kai promised, no matter how many times he waited outside the school gates, no matter how many times he handed over cash and certainly no matter how many times he let himself be kissed or touched - he was still only a kid, and a delinquent at that. He could get confused and stupid. He could say things that ought not to be said.
And then everything will be ruined.
If anyone finds out what you've been doing.
Shimura sighed. Talk about jailbait.
Should have left him alone.
That first time, when he had caught sight of Kai across, hah, across a crowded classroom and known, just known if he didn't keep control of himself he'd start thinking dangerous thoughts, doing dangerous things.
He had controlled himself for some time. Right up until Kai's friends had finally got out of the way, and then he'd thought I can't not go for it.
His own friends understood. That night when they'd met in their usual bar and he'd hinted at what he'd done. They liked boys of Kai's type. It was rude not to share.
But now everything was getting a bit too risky.
But damn it, he's too beautiful not to be used like this.
He marked another cross in someone's book without looking at the answer.
***
Yamagata's eyes flew open as he cried out. He stared at the ceiling, gasping for breath, and then curled up, shivering as the night's dreams started to fade away.
He'd hardly slept all night. Whether it was guilt or anger he wasn't sure. Probably wasn't guilt because he was angry. Every time he remembered Kai - Kai smirking, Kai saying Why don't you get over this? he wanted to punch his damn face in.
No. No need to feel guilty. If Kai had been in real trouble, then okay - but he wasn't. He liked what he was doing. He was stupid. And you didn't need to feel guilty about telling stupid people how stupid they were.
When he'd finally fallen asleep, he'd dreamt about sex. Normally this would be a good thing, but not these dreams. These dreams had just made him so mad he'd woken up gritting his teeth, and now his jaw hurt.
Well, all right, he hadn't woken up angry. But he'd been angry once he thought about it a bit.
I fuck men for money, Kai had said, sneering as he did so, and looking at Yamagata scornfully. What, it bothers you?
You can't! he yelled. They stood in the yard, surrounded by concrete and deep red sunlight. I won't let you!
Because it's fun. Are you scared?
I'm not scared of you. I just got mad because it's stupid is all!
Kai kissed him.
No, you got mad because you don't want Kaneda. You'd rather he was the whore, then you don't have to stay with him.
Why don't you shut up? Yamagata punched him.
Yamagata the goody-goody. You promised you'd never be that. You're the liar. Kai's nose was bleeding, and the blood ran down his face and spat across his wrists and arms like a rash. I know why you're angry.
No, don't say it!
You wanted to fuck me and you're mad every guy in the city got there first. I've got lots of boyfriends and you've only got one.
You fucking liar! He'd grabbed Kai's shoulders, pushed him over onto the hot ground, the sky was blood red like a painting. Pinned the other boy's wrists with his arms, and kissed him over and over again. Because of course, this was only a dream. Wasn't it?
I ain't interested in you, Kai, he said, starting to undo the other guy's shirt. We're friends, nothing else.
And feeling good under the bleeding sky and on the concrete covered in grit and grass and Kai rolled away from him, laughing. Say you want me, Yama-kun. Go on, say it.
No fucking way!
Then I don't want you either.
This was only a dream, it didn't matter.
Of course it mattered, and the strange-good feelings rose and rose until they were trapped inside him, trying to burst him and need you want you, I want you, Kai, please.
Kai grinned, put an arm round his bare shoulder, and kissed him, and they fell backwards down into the darkness together. Told you you wanted me. Told you. Told you. Jealous. Told you.
I don't care about anyone else you screwed just do it to me come on -
And he came, and as he did the dream was torn away from his eyes, and he lay in bed, shivering with pleasure, and then, slowly, slowly, he put his mind back together, and then cursed, loudly, over and over again to drive away the joy of his skin.
Maybe a shrink wouldn't be such a bad idea after all.
He'd let himself go. Pathetic. He needed a good fuck from someone normal, someone he actually liked. This was just plain dumb.
Especially as he didn't fancy Kai.
Then he snorted, and thought, oh, come on. Even you can't still believe that. Think about it. If he was here, right now, and he was keen, and he wanted to, you telling me you wouldn't go for it with him? You really telling me that?
Damn his stupid mind. Always had to be right, didn't it?
Well, he wouldn't let it keep talking to him. Just because it made him dream really weird shit didn't mean it knew anything about real life.
He sat up, and climbed out of bed, his feet cold and gritty on the bare floor. He didn't want to get up. He wanted to stay in bed, and curl up around the dizzy pleasure in his stomach, the warmth, like he'd been punched by a handful of sparkles.
You aren't speaking to Kai, remember? So stop drooling over him.
He started building a wall of thoughts around his brain, thoughts that would stop the drooling. Old socks. Mud. Business studies lessons. Kaneda, his actual boyfriend. Clutching to them like someone desperately clinging to a cliff, he stumbled out of his room, down to the bathroom.
***
It was lunch time. There were feet stamping on every floor in the building as their owners hurtled towards food, and the air was greasy with the smell of fried fish.
"I - I'll go get some lunch," Kai said to Shimura, getting to his feet as his stomach growled.
Damn stomach. It didn't care that he'd rather hide in here for the rest of his life. It didn't care that going into the packed lunch hall was the last thing he wanted to do, ever. No. It just wanted some of that fish. Whose side was it on anyway?
"All right. Are you coming back afterwards?"
"I guess so."
Kai slunk out of the door and into the corridor, which was solid with pushing, shoving, sweaty teenagers. He didn't bother fighting the crowd; just let them sweep him along and tried not to mind his feet getting stamped on.
He reached the hall at last, and stood in the doorway, trying to work out potential dangers -
Oh no.
Tetsuo sat with Kaori, absently feeding her pieces of fish every so often. She didn't look too happy, though. Her large eyes were even larger with the shadows around them, and she shrank back at Tetsuo's side like a little ghost.
And there was Kaneda, and there was Yamagata, their lunches growing cold as they sat leaning against each other at the other end of the table, flirting; pinching food off each other's plates; whispering dirty jokes and snickering together.
I can't go sit there -
There would be talking, and questions, and Yamagata staring at him - or maybe not staring, maybe making a point of it because he hated him too much to even look at him -
I'm too tired for all that -
But he was also hungry.
Carefully, hunching his shoulders, thinking don't look at me, he joined the queue. Maybe he'd be able to go sit someplace on his own or something.
"Kai?"
He turned. Tanaka stood behind him in the queue.
"Oh. Hi."
"The Jaw, right?" Tanaka indicated Kai's black eye.
"Yeah."
"I ain't surprised. So, what was it you did?"
"Stuff. The usual."
"That ain't what I heard."
"Oh, yeah, what did you hear?"
"I heard you got caught screwing some cop behind the bike sheds."
Kai didn't have to fake surprise. "I dunno what that's all about. I just, I -"
He managed to end the sentence before he ran out of ideas because he was served his lunch. "I'll see you around, okay, Tanaka? Bye -" And he scurried away from the queue.
So the rumours were starting already. That couldn't be good. But if he could just find someplace to eat - then afterwards he could go hide again - that would be nice - so so nice -
"Kai!"
Kaneda. Kai pretended he hadn't heard.
"Kai, you deaf or something?"
Around him, the tables suddenly hissed with whispers.
"He screwed the school nurse and got caught -"
"He was selling his sister -"
"Nah, he was selling himself -"
"It wasn't anything like that, he was looking at porn in the car park -"
"No he wasn't, obscene acts don't mean porn -"
Kai decided to admit defeat, and crept quickly over to Kaneda's table. There he sat down as far away from Yamagata as possible and started gobbling down the fish. It was old, and worryingly chewy, but he hardly noticed the taste.
Everyone else was watching him.
"So?" Kaneda said. "What did you do last night? The entire school's buzzing."
"Apparently I've been screwing a cop, the school nurse, wanking off over porn and selling my sister." Kai swallowed his mouthful and quickly took another. "Which is sorta weird, seeing as I don't have a sister -"
He glanced up at the others. Kaneda and Tetsuo just looked curious, but Kaori had turned bright red and looked like she was going to cry, and Yamagata was scowling out of the nearest window.
"What was it?" Tetsuo said. "Everyone's talking about you."
"Why? Who'd know?"
"Apparently Mari was coming out of school - she'd been seeing a guy, I bet - and she saw you being taken off in a cop car."
Kai made a pact that one day he'd hunt down and destroy Mari. Preferably before she destroyed him any more with her stupid plans and her big, fat mouth.
"Must've been mistaken," he said. "I wasn't anywhere near school. I was - fixing my bike."
Yamagata snorted, and Kai wanted to kick him.
"Yeah, right," Kaneda said. "Mari knows you, you know. C'mon. What were you doing?"
"Just let me eat, okay?" Kai said, taking another mouthful. "I'm starving."
Tetsuo shrugged, and went back to his own lunch.
"We still want answers," Kaneda said. "Y'know? I gotta be sure what the truth is when it's about one of my gang. But I guess we could let you eat first."
Kai immediately slowed down. Maybe if he took long enough they'd get bored.
It wasn't so hard, anyway. Kaneda and Yamagata's sappy couply look-at-us-we're-so-together act was sort of putting him off his food.
By the time he'd finished, they were the only people left in the lunch hall. The sun came out a moment, and shone on the pools of spilt water, and the scattered crockery, and the dusty windows.
Then it sank back in, and the air froze.
Kai popped the last piece of fish into his mouth, and chewed it, very, very slowly.
Kaori was watching him eat. She looked queasy, and she kept twisting her fingers round Tetsuo's. Of course - she wouldn't want the truth to come out any more than he did.
Yamagata wasn't watching him. Yamagata was focusing very intently on Kaneda. But as Kai stopped eating, and pushed his plate slowly away, Yamagata glanced over - just once - and then went back to staring out of the window again.
Kai looked round the empty lunch hall. They sat, a little encampment in a desert of bare, flat tables and erratic chairs. Outside, there were faint shrieks from some delinquent incident, and then further away, the ever-present moan of traffic.
"So?" Kaneda leant across the table. "You gonna tell me, or do I have to noogie it out of you?"
"It's not anything."
"It's gotta be something. From what I heard, you got caught giving the principal a blow job in the Jaw's Porsche."
Kai shuddered. "The Jaw doesn't have a Porsche."
"What about the rest of it?"
"Trust me, it was nothing to do with the principal."
He stared at them.
"Are you gonna tell us?" Kaneda asked.
He didn't want to. He'd stamped it on his identity enough last night. He didn't need to do it again.
Yamagata sighed, and turned his chair round so that he had his back to Kai.
Stuck-up dumb bastard jerk. Coward. Hypocrite.
"Yamagata knows," he said. "Why don't you ask him?"
Yamagata's shoulders tensed.
"How come you know?" Kaneda asked him.
"Cos I had to pick Kai up from the cops last night," Yamagata said, still not turning round.
"So he did get arrested, then?" Tetsuo said. "Cool."
Kaori gave a little whimper, and wrapped her arms round herself.
"Was it a bike thing?" Kaneda leaned back on his chair, hands behind his head. "You weren't with us last night. Did you go out on your own or summat -"
"It weren't a bike thing," Yamagata snapped.
"Shoplifting?"
"No."
"Firestarting?"
"No."
"Uh - attempted murder?"
Yamagata gave Kaneda an incredulous look. "You're so dumb you scare me. Ain't you noticed all the rumours are the same?"
"They are?"
"Well, I guess they are," Tetsuo said. "They all seem to be about Kai and some sort of sex."
"There you are." Yamagata shrugged, and went back to staring out of the window.
"Hang on." Tetsuo's eyes widened. "All that stuff they asked yesterday - all that stuff about whores and rent boys -"
"Give the kid a fucking prize," Yamagata said. "Yeah, you know, Kai's a great friend." He turned, and stared at Kai, his face harsh. "Just pay him and he'll do whatever you want. Ain't that right, Kaisuke?"
Kai felt the anger lock and knot through his ribs. "Wow, Yamagata knows what a rent boy is. Maybe you're actually growing a brain."
"Hang on, hang on." Kaneda frowned at Kai. "What - you're a -"
"Yes."
Tetsuo and Kaneda stared at him with identical eeeuw-weird faces on.
"So - what the hell were you doing in the car park?" Kaneda said. "How'd you get arrested?"
"They had a tip-off. They just grabbed me for no reason."
"Sure they did," Yamagata murmured.
"What - you weren't actually screwing anyone right there and then?" Kaneda said.
"No."
"So - who ratted you out?"
"I dunno. No one knew about me." Kai hadn't really considered this before, but now he realised he wanted to know, and go punch their face in for making Yamagata hate him. But who - only Shimura knew -
"Someone must've," Tetsuo said. "Yamagata, you didn't - didn't you?"
"Wasn't him," Kai said. "I didn't tell him till afterwards. Only -"
He glanced round the faces at the table, and of course.he'd been staring at her knowing she wanted him to keep quiet, but he'd always wanted her to keep quiet as well.
"Kaori," he said slowly.
Kaori was crying now, dribbly tears oozing from her eyes and over the fingers she'd pressed to her mouth.
"What about Kaori?" Tetsuo snapped. "She couldn't blab. How would she know?"
Kai hardly heard him. He pushed back his chair, walked round to where Kaori was sitting, and stood in front of her.
"Go on," he said. "Spit it out. It was you. Wasn't it?"
Kaori stared up at him, her eyes melting with tears, her nose and cheekbones the colour of lobsters.
"I didn't mean to," she sobbed. "I swear I didn't, Kai, I didn't want to get you in trouble, I just - just got scared -"
It had been her.
And he'd felt damn sorry for her. He'd kept his mouth shut for her. And she'd walked round and stabbed him in the back, left him to wait for three hours in a holding cell, made him confess to Yamagata, made Yamagata think he was stupid and hate him and say he never wanted to see him again -
"You little bitch!" he yelled at her. "You just got scared? Oh, yeah, that's a great excuse, isn't it? Wonderful! You just got scared! Didn't have the guts to keep your mouth shut? Why the hell not? They'd never hurt you - not sweet nice mousy little Kaori -"
"Hey, you shut up -" Tetsuo began, but Kai couldn't stop. Part of him knew this was cruel, but the anger was too hot to hold onto. It scalded his throat as if he'd swallowed boiling water.
"I should've known you wouldn't keep quiet! I should have known I couldn't trust you! You two-faced sneaky little slut -"
"I didn't mean to!" Kaori wailed, leaping to her feet. "Please, Kai! I swear I didn't mean to!"
"Like hell you didn't!" he yelled back at her, and then, even as he knew he was going too far, he swung his hand round and slapped her across the face, and she fell across the table, sending the plates rattling.
As soon as he'd done it he wished he hadn't because he just felt stupid. You didn't need to be tough to hurt her. He wanted to help her up, but Tetsuo had got there first, was clutching her round the shoulders, his fists clenched.
"You're for it now," he snarled at Kai. "You keep your hands off her -"
"You're nuts, Kai." Kaneda grinned, shakily. "How the hell'd Kaori know what you get up to in your spare time? Kaori's the only non-slut in this school."
Kai suddenly didn't feel like talking any more. He slumped into a chair, and, resting his head in his hands, stared down at the food-spattered table, and listened.
"He's wrong, right?" Tetsuo was saying, holding Kaori, his arms encircling her. "He's got it all wrong -"
"No."
"No?"
"Ooh, Kaori." Kaneda wolf-whistled.
Even Yamagata was looking puzzled now.
"I - he -" Kaori was trying to swallow her sobs, trying to spit out their secret. Kai felt sorry for her. Only way to do it is take a run-up, he thought at her. Just shut your eyes and do it.
"Mari told me to.when Tetsuo and me rowed.said I needed a good - man to make me feel better.just one night."
"Oh, shit." Kaneda winced. "You hired him, didn't you?"
"You - you?" Tetsuo's voice suddenly went very quiet. Very young. "You and Kai? You - went with him?"
Kaori nodded. Her hair was hanging down over her face, and Kai couldn't see her expression any more.
"Why?" Tetsuo gasped. "I - why the hell did you - I know why - it was the argument - you bitch, you wanted to fuck me over because of that -"
"It wasn't like that," Kaori sobbed. "I swear it, it was just - I'm sorry, Tetsuo! I'm so sorry."
"Shut up!" Tetsuo snarled, and his voice was shaking. "I don't care what the hell you want to do with your damn private life! Okay? You go off with him -" He shot a furious glare in Kai's direction. "I don't need you. You're an ugly little slut and you've been dragging me down for ages now."
"Hey, come on, cool down," Kaneda said. "She didn't know it was gonna be Kai, did she -"
"Shut up, Kaneda! Shut up!" Tetsuo's whole body was trembling, and his mouth was trying to crumple into tears. "Leave me alone!"
"Tetsuo, please -" Kaori leapt to her feet. "Don't -"
Tetsuo gave her a burnt, aching look, and shoved her away from him, and then he turned and ran out of the lunch hall.
Kaneda gaped after him for a moment, before turning back to the others.
"Okaaaay." he said. "Kaori-chan, I think you got some serious work to do on that relationship."
Kaori gave a loud, choking wail. She rubbed her hand across her eyes, smearing tears over her hot face; her eyes were pink and her nose was running.
"Are - are you gonna go after Tetsuo?" Kai wasn't sure whether he was putting the question to Kaori or Kaneda, but both shook their heads.
"He needs to cool down," Kaneda said. "A lot. Say, I think I'll go, uh, go sit out in the parking lot. Check the bikes are okay."
"Sounds good to me," Yamagata muttered, starting to walk towards the door.
Kai made to follow, and Kaneda stopped.
"Look, uh, Kai," he said. "Now, don't get all antsy or nothing, but."
"What?"
Kaneda's eyes wouldn't meet his. They scurried around by his feet, picking up discarded crumbs and specks of fish.
"He don't want you around cos you're a freak," Yamagata said. "You smart enough to figure that out?"
Kai folded his arms, and slid one hand into the sleeve of his jacket, and scratched at a scar, trying to draw blood again.
There was no need to show Yamagata he cared or anything.
"It's not that," Kaneda said. "But, y'know, I got a rep to keep up, and uh.you ain't even biking or nothing. It's not like you can do much for the gang, and.you got other things to keep you busy now."
And he smiled, his patented Kaneda-rules smile that he always did when he needed helping round something tricky.
"So, see you around," he said, and dashed out of the lunch hall.
Yamagata stood there for a moment. Kai kept his face harsh and bored because he knew if he didn't he'd break up completely.
"What the hell do you want?" he demanded.
Yamagata scowled.
"Nothing!"
He turned to walk away, and Kai suddenly wanted to make him really angry.
"You're all talk," he said. "You said, you said how the hell could anything I say shock you? Didn't think you'd be such a wimp - getting whiny over a few fucks -"
Yamagata whirled round, grabbed him by the collar and almost lifted him off his feet. Kai was suddenly pleased. Someone was noticing him - and someone was near - he could feel Yamagata's body heat through their clothes, and his heartbeat, heavy and fast.
"Get this through your dumb, stupid head, Kaisuke," Yamagata hissed. "I ain't shocked. I think you're a fucking moron is all. And I don't need to hang around with dumbasses. I got better things to do with my time."
"Yeah, but you need the dumbasses around to make you look like you got half a brain."
For a moment he thought Yamagata would punch him, yearned for it - go on, notice me more -
But then the other guy just let go of him, snorted, and said, "Give it a rest, Kai. Just get the hell out of here, okay? Go find your pimp. It's not like anyone wants you around. All you ever do is screw up everyone else's lives."
And he rubbed his hands on his shirt, and walked away.
Kai stared after him, and inside something screamed and cried and acted like a little kid; picked up plates from the tables and smashed them on the ground, and howled and howled to be stamped on like that.
He shrugged, and shoved his hands in his pockets.
Behind him someone sniffed.
He turned to look at Kaori. She stood, clutching herself, tears running down her face, eyes fraying with them. Her hair was tangled, and her shirt was grubby and spotted with fish stains, and Kai could see why people called her ugly.
He'd marked her - a red hand print spreading across her cheek like a blush.
"Kaori?" he said.
She turned to look at him.
Technically, he figured, he should apologise.
But she looked as pathetic and abandoned and hated as he was now.
You had to keep a bit of status.
"Oh, well," he said. "Looks like we're both screwed."
"He hates me," Kaori whispered. A tear slid over the corner of her mouth as she spoke. Her lips were dry-looking, and her eyelashes stood out in clumps, as if they'd been frightened.
"Yeah, well."
What could you say when you'd sort of just jumped up and down on someone else's relationship? He wasn't going to act all babyish. All girlish, and pat her on the shoulder, no way.
She actually looked angry for a moment.
"He hates you," she snapped, eyes suddenly very dark and damp and intense on his, like abandoned wells. "Yamagata. He hates you and Tetsuo hates me."
"Why the hell do I care?"
His eyes stung slightly.
"But he was right." she continued. "You should get out of here. We both should. We both should, there's nothing for us, Tetsuo was right too, and there isn't anywhere to go - there isn't -"
She choked as she started sobbing again.
"I'm sorry," she said. "I'm so sorry."
Then she pushed past him, and ran out of the lunch hall, sandal soles slapping on the lino floor.
Kai watched until she'd gone.
Get out.
There isn't anywhere to go.
No one wanted him - no one wanted him -
No!
Shimura, Shimura still wanted him, Shimura would help him; they were right, there was nothing for him here, but Shimura would get him out and give him a new (well, newer) life somewhere else - yes.
Only one person caring?
That was enough.
One person who could give him all the people he'd ever need - remember?
