Chapter Nine – Sex Power Sugar
(I own Shimura, Mari and Tenchi *dodges brick from brother* all right, I own Shimura and Mari but my brother Nik owns Tenchi. Most of him, anyway…everyone else belongs to Katsuhiro Otomo.)
In Kai's room it was very quiet. The traffic outside hissed and whispered, and every so often little spatters of music from car radios flared up like sparks.
Kai was breathing slowly and deeply. Yamagata could feel their heartbeats, one on top of the other, and he could feel the blood thudding in his ears, and he could feel the scalpel, hair-thin on his throat.
He'd always thought he had pretty tough skin. Skin scabbed and scarred from a lifetime of battles and accidents. But now it seemed so fragile, like the peel of an apple or something. Just one slit –
"Kai," he whispered, "it's me."
"I know." Kai stared up at him, eyes dark and flat as drops of oil. "That's why I figured you didn't pay. You'd never do something like that, would you?"
His voice was mocking, and Yamagata was suddenly furious.
"Get the knife off me," he snapped. "Now."
"I'm allowed self-defence, aren't I?" Kai smiled suddenly.
"I won't touch you any more. I just got, uh, sort of carried away. So get off."
And suddenly he was frightened – Kai wouldn't hurt me – would he? –
Yes, he would…
But slowly, he felt the blade let go of his skin, and Kai's arm slid off his shoulders, and he sat up. Kai did the same, straightening the sheet and pulling it around him, up to his waist. Then he reached down, picked up a worn square of blanket, wrapped the scalpel up in it, and tucked it onto the lower shelf of the shaky bedside table next to them.
"Well?" Kai said. "Why are you here, then? Did you pay someone downstairs? Or did you come to see if I'm in as much shit as you wanted?"
He spoke perfectly lightly, like someone kicking a stone along the ground. Yamagata wished he was angrier. Kai angry he could handle. Kai sarcastic and – different – he wasn't sure about.
"I came because…I found the address you left. I, I just wanted to see you, you know? Just wanted to…" He stopped. Say hi would just sound dumb now.
"Why did you want to see me?"
"I – I missed you. Got a problem with that?"
"You're the one who told me to go," Kai said, and he smiled again. "Kaneda screwed Mari again, did he?"
"No! S'nothing to do with Kaneda!"
"Sorry. Forgot you had an 'open relationship.'"
Yamagata decided not to answer that one. He wasn't sure what he did have with Kaneda, and he didn't want to think about that guy anyway.
"How did you get here?" he said instead.
"Someone brought me."
"Who?"
"A friend. You know what they are?"
That sentence sprang up sharp as a flick knife, but Kai's voice hardly changed.
"Some friend," Yamagata sneered. "Selling you out to a whorehouse –"
"It's a living. Anyway, don't get all holy-as-shit on me. You weren't like that a minute ago." He blew a sarcastic kiss in Yamagata's direction.
"What's your problem?" Yamagata clenched his fists, wanted to get up and kick something. "Surely you should be used to that sorta stuff by now –"
"I just like to know where I stand with people. And I don't like hypocrites."
"Hypo-what?"
"People who say one thing and do another, dumbass." Kai shook his head. "You ain't changed, that's for sure. Still can't string two words together, can you?"
Yamagata punched him. His fist slammed into the side of Kai's face and sent the guy sprawling back against the battered brass headboard. Kai ducked down, over the side of the bed – even as Yamagata grabbed him he slid back up, his hand suddenly warped with that scalpel – and spun, and stabbed out – Yamagata dodged, tried to duck under the knife hand to hit again – not fast enough – suddenly there was a sharp, fine pain as the blade slid down from his cheekbone to his chin.
Kai froze. He was crouched on the bed, his face dark, shut in. The scalpel was bright though, bright red dots. Yamagata stared at them, thinking how much like cheap strawberry-ade they looked, the type he'd drunk when he was a kid. For the first time he noticed darker, browner bloodstains, underneath the new redness, and wondered where they'd come from.
"Are – are you okay?" Kai whispered.
Yamagata touched the cut, gingerly. It stung, but it didn't seem too deep. Just hot with pain and blood.
"Yeah."
For a moment Kai looked as if he was going to say something like sorry, but then his eyes darkened again, and he rubbed the bruise that was coming up on his face. "So? What now? You can go if you want."
Yamagata didn't want to go. There should be something more. Something should happen.
"All right," he said.
He got to his feet, suddenly wanting to kick at the thin walls and shatter the window and smash Kai's face in for making him feel – however he felt.
He shouldn't have come.
"How much money do you have, anyway?"
Kai almost whispered it as he placed the scalpel on the bedside table. Yamagata froze.
"I don't know," he said. "Probably nothing."
But he shoved his hands into his pockets, and scrabbled around, and his fingers touched money, change from a night out at the Harukiya, and suddenly he was feeling even dizzier. He shouldn't do this. He should pretend he was broke and get out.
"Only five hundred," he said. "Pathetic, huh –"
"I could do something for five hundred. If you're interested." Now Kai sounded almost bitter. Tired.
He doesn't want to. He feels he has to. No one does anything for five hundred, you can hardly buy your lunch with that. Leave him alone.
"All right."
He turned back, sat down on the bed again.
This is dumb. He shouldn't be doing it and nor should you. You think it's gross and it is. You don't need to pay someone for anything.
"I dunno," he said. "Maybe – nah, I shouldn't –"
"They make you take precautions here," Kai said. "And when I came, they had me checked out. I'm clean. I won't make you sick."
Like he's speed or something.
"Why're you so desperate?"
"It's what I do. It's five hundred yen in the kitty."
"That ain't much –"
Kai leaned forward, and kissed Yamagata, and then hugged him, and the blood from the cut smeared across his face.
"How much was that?"
"That was free."
He kissed him again. It was more confident. "This won't be."
Their hands met, palms damp, the coin passing from one to the other.
Some time later, after Yamagata had gone, Kai picked up his scalpel again, and sat in bed, gently sawing a small line over the bone of his wrist. It was soothing. The sunlight was mouldering now, late-afternoon, darker light. Long lines of gold spilling across the room like old wine.
He wasn't thinking of anything except the slow, constant motion of the blade. He liked it that way.
The money – a single coin – still lay on the bedside table. The sun glowed faintly in its surface.
Kai found himself hating it. Hating so much he leapt to his feet, snatched it off the table and threw it into the far corner of the room. He stood, shaking, and heard it land quietly in the carpet somewhere.
Then he wondered why he'd done it.
He didn't know what to think.
He sat down again, and tried to make some sense of everything.
Had it been good?
It was never good now. It was just something you did. Some people flipped burgers, some people typed letters, some people gutted fish and he was fucked. Those other people, when they stopped working they didn't fry burgers or tap out replies or slice up haddock for fun.
It didn't matter that it had been Yamagata.
But he'd kissed him.
Normally he never kissed anyone.
He'd been angry with him at first. Angry and then pleased that Yamagata was so nervous because it had been so easy to rattle him. And then the scalpel – the blood – and he'd known he'd gone too far, you didn't pull blades on your friends.
Holding the scalpel in bed because he'd been cutting himself again last night after everyone had gone. But where was the harm? He liked its protection, and it had come in useful. No need to worry about that.
So then what? So he'd cut Yamagata and then felt guilty. And then just had to offer – just to see –
Now he likes me and he'll be with me and make me so happy…
The thoughts whispered in his head like old breezes through dusty rooms. He was horny so he was pleased when I offered and now he's gone away and I won't see him again and that's good.
Yeah. That was the real truth.
Blood was oozing down the side of his arm. Tearful thoughts making small red bullet holes on the sheet.
Better that than staying under his skin and eating him up from the inside.
It – with Yamagata – hadn't been like the dreams he'd had. It had been too…real, well, duh it had been real. Like, in dreams you never knew for sure how someone gasped when he came. Your mind made a guess, but you never knew if it was right and half the time you knew the sound had been borrowed from some movie or was really your own voice or something shit like that.
No. It had been real.
In dreams you never felt his hands on your back – even though it had been through your jacket (because no way is he seeing the scars). In dreams you didn't know what it was truly like to have him inside you (so close so close and real) – and in dreams you could admit you were enjoying it…
In dreams you didn't have to pretend it was same old same old (because why wouldn't it be? You only did this for money anyway so it doesn't matter) because you did enjoy it – damp hotness building in your stomach – shivering like you had flu – in dreams you didn't find yourself trying to moan because the feelings had to escape somehow –
No. Not in dreams. So your brain had to stop you thinking stupid thoughts. So it snickered, and said, he's only doing it because he's paying you.
And that burst the joy swelling in your mind – but nothing else. Because your body still loved this, your body couldn't believe its luck, your body hadn't forgotten the old crush, your body had dragged it out of the dark cupboard and was clutching its hand –
Letting it fuck you for five hundred – shit, you're cheap –
Kai jabbed the scalpel, hard, into the fleshy curve under his thumb.
And your mind and body fought; and the bickering made it like trying to have sex on thorns; fought and fought and meanwhile you and him fought too – fought against each other, back and forth – no, that's no fight, that's just the same old dance – I won't enjoy it – I won't – and what's he thinking? This is a waste of five hundred yen? And you fight against that because you don't damn well want it to be a waste, oh hell no, you want him to scream your name to the ceiling (no one really does that) and you want the memory to be burnt into his mind so he's driven crazy by it and he's got to come back – do it again (why should you like it? This means nothing) and back and forth and now the fight is faster, more furious, and you can win it, you know you can and – just because he thinks he's on top don't mean he can win – don't mean you can't control him deep deep down – and you can feel it, he's on the ropes, clutching your shoulders, his fingers leaving burn marks, through your jacket, through your shirt like it's dust, and onto your skin touch me touch me and you wish you hadn't fought so hard cos now it has to end –
He grabs onto you so hard it hurts. One moment. You feel him tense and it makes you tense as well, you arch underneath him, spine pressed into his ribs, and you're wanting this to keep going because – well, because –
But time is passing –
The breath catches in his throat –
It's a cute sound. Yamagata always acts so brave it's nice to hear him sound like someone does when they're surprised, maybe scared…you clutch the sound, wrap it up safe, put it in the dark cupboard with the rest of the crush.
And then you think Kaneda already knew that sound – Kaneda's got millions of memories of that sound –
And you feel sick, so sick, you want to hit and hurt and break bones, and so as Yamagata eases himself out and slumps down onto the bed you don't smile or say thanks or act tender. You just turn away and hope that'll do something to make him feel a little bit as jealous and furious and whatever the hell else you feel –
But at least you know how he sounds, now.
Kai took a deep, slow breath, and ran the scalpel down the edge of his finger.
Too much hassle.
And yet he still wanted Yamagata to come back and do it again –
Oh no he damn well didn't!
He started to slice down the side of his wrist, faster and faster, furious with his mind for thinking such thoughts.
The door opened, and Tenchi walked in, his purple hair shiny in the fading sunlight. He strolled over to Kai and lifted the hand holding the scalpel away from the cuts.
Kai let go of the blade, and dropped it into Tenchi's hand, and Tenchi placed it on the bedside table. Then he sat down, and said, "So?"
"So what?"
"Who was that guy who came into your room this morning? He was hot."
Tenchi knew the ropes. Tenchi had been in this business for ages. Tenchi was scared of nothing and had never gone postal on himself with a blade in his life.
"A friend." Kai pressed the cuts to his mouth, licked away the blood.
"So what were you doing? Talking?"
Kai shrugged.
Tenchi sat down next to him, put an arm round his shoulders. "So not just a friend, then?"
Kai felt his fingers twitch for that scalpel. No, Yamagata wasn't just a friend now, and didn't he just wish Tenchi hadn't pointed it out? If two of them thought that, it made the idea swell and burn under the skin and you needed to cut it out, ease the pressure and watch it collapse and trickle away…
"Did he see your arms and that?" Tenchi said, as if he knew what Kai was thinking.
"I kept my jacket on."
"He wasn't freaked?"
"He thinks I'm weird enough already. And it happened pretty damn quick. And he knew he was lucky enough to be getting anything. He didn't want to argue about stuff."
Tenchi was silent. Kai leant back against him, breathing in his scent of hair gel and clean water. Yamagata smelt different; oil and dust and a warm skin-smell that was uniquely his. Kai felt like he could smell it on himself. He didn't know whether he wanted to never wash again or tear his skin off in strips.
"It didn't mean anything," he said at last. "It wasn't like anything that meant anything. He was just up for it, you know?"
"Course I know. Why wouldn't I know?" Tenchi stroked Kai's hair, smoothing it back from his forehead. Of course, Tenchi would know. Tenchi kind of oozed sex. Whoever he was with, he treated them like he fancied them and would like nothing better than to get to know them more, heh heh whatever. He had actually been designed for this job.
"So…he didn't mind."
"No one minds, Kai. He goes off all happy cos he's been made to feel good, and we go off all happy cos we're doing our job. Why're you so worried? Everyone needs a no-strings shag once in a while."
No-strings? Kai's mind yelled. That wasn't no-strings – that was strings bloody everywhere, that was – your old crush, him supposed to be with Kaneda, him telling you to get out, you screwing Kaori, him paying you –
Shut up, Kai thought at himself. Just shut up.
"I dunno," he said to Tenchi. "I just – he was my friend, that's all."
"You didn't overcharge him, did you?"
"Hah. No."
"How much was it?"
"Five hundred." If Tenchi laughed or made any 'cheap' remarks he would kill him –
"Well, then. It's okay." Tenchi stared into Kai's face, and grinned. "Come on. Don't look so gloomy. You look cute when you smile. I better get going, okay? Don't you slice yourself any more. There'll be people coming in soon."
"Uh-huh."
Kai rubbed the last of the blood off his wrist, and, resting his head on his knees, stared out at the dying sunlight.
The sun had sunk now, and the rooms were full of shadow which clouded the furniture like cobwebs. Tenchi couldn't be bothered to put the light on. Darkness was hissing and made the world shiny. The whole of Neo-Tokyo glowed with light as it fought to stay awake. You could do whatever the hell you wanted in the dark.
Not with this guy, though.
Hiroshi, sitting rigid on the bed, drew on his cigarette, and the tip glowed deep red, hot in the dimness.
"So, how've you found him?" he asked.
"Kai? He's all right." Tenchi leant back against the window. The glass was cool on his back, and beyond it he could dimly hear the everlasting screech of the Neo-Tokyo nightlife.
"Good."
Tenchi smiled. "I always wondered why you chose to be a teacher. How many of your students are you screwing?"
"Only two." Hiroshi looked up at him, letting the smoke spill from his mouth. "Only two."
"I thought you'd do better." Tenchi heard his voice slip back into childhood; sneering, cheap shots. He always ended up like this when he was talking with Hiroshi. It made his brother get so uptight. "Or are you losing your touch?"
"Don't get smart, Tenchi. I've got taste, that's all. The Eighth District isn't exactly Miss World, you know. Or Mr World, for that matter."
"Oh, I don't know. Kai's cute enough. And there was this other guy…"
Hiroshi froze. "What other guy?" He sat up a little, clutching the cigarette. "What – from the school? How do you know he was from there? Who was it?"
"He came to see Kai. Tall – hair over his eyes – he had this sort of circle on his shirt, with a sun and a mountain in it –"
Hiroshi cursed under his breath, and stubbed out the cigarette on the ugly cut-glass ashtray on the bedside table. The smoky smell slowly faded into the cooling room. "He came to see Kai?"
"Yup."
"What did he do? What did he say?"
"I don't think they said much. And Kai's got five hundred from some place, so…"
"Five hundred? I didn't know he was that cheap – but why the hell was that guy there?"
"He was horny?"
Hiroshi gave him a look, which was lost in the darkness. "I know that guy. He's – he was Kai's friend. And not just that. Kai followed him around like a damn puppy. If anyone's going to put ideas into his head –"
"Sounds like they were putting other things into each other." Tenchi rolled his eyes. "Relax, can't you? What do you think Kai's gonna do?"
"It's all right for you, you've been convicted a bunch of times already."
"Yeah, and I only ever got fined, so what's the problem?"
"The problem is that they do a little bit more to you for this sort of stuff!" Hiroshi leapt to his feet. He looked too smart in this room, Tenchi decided. Okay, it was only a cheap suit, but most people weren't wearing their clothes this late in the day. Not here. Untucked shirts, loosened ties, crumpled underwear…
"He blabs, I'm dead," Hiroshi continued. "I thought he would when he got caught, but he kept quiet, but that won't happen twice –"
"Oh, come on. Why's he going to speak up now?" Tenchi yawned, and stretched, trying to look as relaxed and supple as possible. Hiroshi always got so stressed when they were together, it had always been the same ever since they were kids. It cracked him up. "If he was quiet then –"
"That other guy is a troublemaker." Hiroshi stood tense, a darker shadow in the dusty grey that filled the room.
"What's his name?"
"Yamagata." Hiroshi frowned. "Why?"
"Just curious." Tenchi ran the name over his lips, and that old delicious shiver whispered inside him as he thought.
"Still not satisfied,
then?" Hiroshi said nastily. "Still need
to fuck anything with a pulse?"
"That hurts, Hiroshi-kun. I'm allowed human desires, aren't I? You're the one who likes screwing
underage kids. Remember? Anyway, this Yamagata guy, he paid Kai
to go with him. Which
suggests he ain't exactly against it."
Hiroshi scowled, but didn't answer.
"I'll try and talk to Kai," he said at last. "Look, you've got to keep an eye on him. You've got to tell me if he starts getting…ideas. Get as much information as you can."
"If you insist. Don't know what you're worried about, though."
Hiroshi crept over to the door, opened it, and sharp light slit the shadows down the middle.
"Go easy on him," Tenchi said.
"Huh?"
"Kai. He's screwed up."
"Be quiet, Tenchi."
"Bite me, dear brother." Tenchi grinned as Hiroshi sneered and slammed the door behind him. When his brother had left, he strolled over to the bed and lay down on it, staring up at the bare, peeling ceiling.
So. There was Kai. And there was Yamagata. Kai was cute, Kai was cuddly, you could probably have fun with him if your tastes ran that way. But not too much fun. He had a dead, lost look, like his face had been abandoned. Hiroshi probably shouldn't have got him started here.
Tenchi had caught Kai cutting himself about – oh, three days after the kid had come here. Wanted to be friendly, gone in and seen the lines of blood, and such horror in Kai's eyes.
Tenchi had decided not to make a big deal of it. Just shrugged, and said maybe you shouldn't do that now, it's nearly starting time.
After all, what could you do? If people felt that bad you couldn't just jolly them out of it.
Now Yamagata on the other hand…
Oh, yeah. Tenchi smirked. Yeah. He knew a good shag when he saw one.
He hoped Yamagata would come see Kai again soon.
He considered that prospect for a bit, listening to himself breathe in the darkness, wrapping his cold arms round his body. Then he slid up and out of his thoughts, and noticed the voices.
The walls of the house were thin. Every night you heard everyone else's business as well as your own. Sometimes it seemed like the very cement and paint of the place was filled with moans and whispers and the rustle of clothes and wallets and you heard it even when you knew we were closed and there was no one there.
But tonight he could hear his brother's voice, dark and blurred through the wall, and Kai's, slightly higher, words making shapes in the shadow, and he slid off the bed and over to the wall, where he leant against the torn, smoke-smelling wallpaper and tried to see the shapes more clearly.
So why did he come, then…
He came to find out where I…is all…
You're not still holdingatorch for him are you? Are you?
Silence. Hiroshi would be standing, clutching Kai's shoulders (and that hurts) and Kai would be staring at the floor, hands scratching, pinching at his scars. And the word-shapes were becoming sharper, rips in the dark.
Why do you care? Why do you care? It's none of your damn business all right?
He'll hurt you!
You don't know shit about it!
Listen Kai, listen to me – you let him pay you…so doesn't mean…feels anything does it?
I didn't do anything!…what I'm here for isn't it? Why've you got a problem? You wanted me…say go away, I'm not doing it?
Five hundred?
Silence again. Were they kissing? Kai would be standing still, his arms hanging by his sides, and Hiroshi's shadow would be covering him, twisting and eating him up as the traffic poured past the window outside. And your fingers would still be cold and you'd be feeling sick, simmering. He should move away and let you settle again –
"You're getting stupid," Tenchi whispered to himself, and pressed closer to the wall.
Next time charge him properly…worried about you, I don't want you to get hurt.
Get hurt?
It could happen.
He's my friend.
Not… treats you like that.
More silence, then Tenchi heard the whispering. I can't…I don't want him to hate me…I can't…I can't…
Ssh, it's all right, I'll look after you…I'll look after you…
"And if you're dumb enough to believe that, you deserve everything you get."
Tenchi slunk away from the wall and slumped back onto the bed. In the other room his brother would be easing Kai down onto the bed, unbuttoning his shirt, ignoring the scars, because Hiroshi was good at ignoring other people's pain, and he'd learnt fake gentleness since he'd been in Neo-Tokyo.
"But at least I never thought he cared about me. Kai, you're even stupider than I was."
The shadow was thick on the dorm stairs. Yamagata crept up them, wishing he could sink into the rising darkness and forget he was alive. That'd be nice. No more problems. No more thinking. No more Kaneda.
And no more Kai, damn him, damn him…
It was just a quick shag. Didn't mean anything.
Did it?
You went to find him cos you said he's your friend. So what is he now, a fuck-buddy? Or a pet? What?
Yamagata groaned, and kicked the wall, hard.
Why was he feeling like this? Screwing someone was supposed to make you feel better. He didn't feel better. He felt mixed-up, and worried, and confused, and angry, and –
You paid him. You paid him. What the hell is wrong with you?
Ain't nothing wrong with paying someone, he thought at himself, starting to climb the stairs.
It's wrong to pay someone when they're your friend.
Why? I'm giving him money! How can that be wrong?
His mind wasn't totally sure on that point. Random, confused sentences bubbled up out of it like specks of dirt in water – he didn't like it – you shouldn't need to – Kaneda's your boyfriend – you were supposed to be helping Kai –
Helping Kai. Hah, yeah. The only thing he'd done was pay him peanuts for – for –
Oh well. So now you know what it's like to fuck him. Was it good?
He wasn't sure. It had been good in the way most sex was, y'know, made you feel kind of happy and all, but – afterwards – no. He felt all…rotting…
Cheap?
Shut up – and his head ached as if he'd done too much thinking. Probably had. Stupid Kai.
Part of him had wanted to believe they were together and they were doing it because they liked each other – that part had wanted to kiss him more, and lie holding him in its arms, and tell him stupid sappy stuff, and he didn't know why the hell it existed because he wasn't that sort of guy –
And the rest of him had told itself this was only some – whore, and it was fucking him to get some relief, and it had pounded itself into Kai telling itself it wasn't Kai, it was someone none of them knew, it was no one important, it had wanted to drown itself in the good-feelings and then you could shut your eyes and pretend you were fucking the dark – because no one cared about the dark –
But he couldn't go all the way with that either – because as they'd done it, he'd kept catching glimpses of Kai's face, and how could he not recognise him?
And who wanted to lie there thinking while they were having sex?
No. It hadn't been good so much as weird.
Yamagata hurried up the last few stairs as the shadows grew darker, and finally reached his room. He'd – he'd take a shower – for no reason other than that he liked showers, dammit – and then he'd go grab his bike and ride and ride until he'd outrun his thoughts and they'd been left behind in some dark, narrow street.
He opened the door, and marched inside –
"Yama?"
"Gaaah!"
Kaneda sniggered, and got to his feet. "It's me, doofus."
"Uh…hi. Uh, how did – what are you doing here?"
"I came to see you. You weren't in, so I figured I'd wait." Kaneda grinned. "Where'd you go, anyway? What was it you had to do?"
Yamagata swallowed. "Nothing." He sighed. "Forget it."
"Sure,
whatever. Anyway, the rest of us
– what there is of us – are going out tonight. I came to tell you."
"Who's 'us'?"
Kaneda sighed. "Me and Tanaka and Tetsuo."
"Oh." Yamagata sank down onto his bed. Kaneda sat down next to him, and rested his head on Yamagata's shoulder.
"I know, it bites. I dunno, I thought when we got out of reform school it'd be easy to get the gang back, but now Kai's scarpered someplace, and Tetsuo's getting depressed or whatever so he's not even showing up half the time…"
He sighed, and for a moment his grin vanished and he just looked miserable
. "I dunno. The Clowns are eating up our territory again."
"You worried?" Yamagata said. Kaneda sounded kind of gloomy.
"Worried? Me? Nah." Kaneda grinned again, but this time the grin looked kind of painful. "Anyway – I came to find you because I wanted to actually see you for once, not just sit around jabbering –"
He kissed Yamagata –
Kai kissing him –
– and stroked the drying cut down his face. "What happened to you?" "I – walked into a – wall."
"Oh. Riiight."
"What?"
"Hey, I don't mind. Makes you look kind of hot…" He kissed the cut –
The blood smearing across Kai's face –
Yamagata tensed. "Quit it."
"Oh, for fuck's sake, what is it now? You have a headache?" Kaneda leapt to his feet. "Things don't feel right? I didn't buy you a fucking Valentine's Day present?"
Yamagata swallowed, unease sharp in his chest. He was allowed to be tetchy, but Kaneda never usually freaked like this –
"Nothing."
"Something's
wrong." Kaneda's fists were clenched,
and he was biting his lip. "Something's
always wrong, with you."
"No it ain't. I'm fine, okay. Come sit back down."
"I'm sick of you," Kaneda said. "You're no fun any more."
"So bite me!" Yamagata wanted to punch him. Screw keeping your temper and playing nice. "Didn't know I was just existin' to make you happy. And you ain't exactly perfect, Mr-I-Fuck-Everything-That-Moves –"
"That was different!"
"How was it damn different?"
"That's…y'know…that's just me." Kaneda frowned. "I mean…hell, I thought we both knew what we were getting into here. I mean…it was a fling."
"Then – then maybe it's been flinged by now."
It was only some dumb words, just part of the argument, but it made everything different, because Kaneda's eyes widened and he didn't look angry any more, just startled like someone had – someone had done something neither of them had been expecting.
Yamagata sighed, and stared down at his feet. Lucky feet, down in the dusty darkness by his bed. They didn't have to talk to people.
"I…"
Kaneda stopped.
"You should've said," he snapped at last. "I wouldn't want to waste your precious damn time. Not that you do much with it, anyway – sneaking off to weird places…"
"Look, I –"
"That's it, ain't it?" Kaneda scowled. "You're screwing someone else now."
"No, I'm not." The words popped out on instinct. "Anyway, it don't matter if I was. This is just a fling, right?"
"I don't care what it is," Kaneda said. "You ain't interested so nor am I."
He turned away.
Yamagata suddenly hated him. Hated him for making him feel so painfully guilty – hated him for being there, for being a confusion, for guilt-tripping him, for being right about the someone else.
Be easier if he'd just never said anything in the first place.
"Kaneda?"
"What?"
Ah, damn it. Who needed words anyway?
He got up, walked over to Kaneda, and kissed him, hard, forcing his head back, forcing him to forget everything that had just been said….
It didn't feel right. Maybe it never would. Maybe now they were out of reform school – could do more than glance at each other – maybe now it would die.
But Kaneda gasped, and clutched him, and after they'd broken apart he stayed in Yamagata's arms, and rested his head against his chest.
Tetsuo kicked the back of the chair in front of him, leaving smears of dirt across its cracked red leather.
The grubby clock on the Harukiya wall said nine-forty-one.
Oh, sure Kaneda had said meet at nine. Okay, so he wasn't exactly well-organised, but he'd probably done this on purpose, as a joke, yeah, real funny. Kaneda always thought he was so funny…
He took a sip of the drink in front of him. The glass was slightly sticky. The liquid burned through his chest.
Kaori…
He shouldn't need to think about her now. She hated it here. Remember when they'd all come, with Mari and all? She'd been sitting on the edge of her seat, wincing and shuddering and puking and acting so damn antsy…
Sitting opposite Kai –
Of course.
You got it wrong again. Geez, Tetsuo, you're such a baby sometimes.
Tetsuo bit his lip, hard, because he had to hurt something, and smashing glasses got you kicked out.
Not that it would matter because Kaneda would never turn up –
The door flew open, and Kaneda, Yamagata and Tanaka sauntered in.
Wrong again.
"Tetsuo! You been here all this time?" Kaneda hollered.
Tetsuo gritted his teeth. "Only a bit."
"I was waiting for him," Kaneda said, elbowing Yamagata in the ribs. "Moron was – hanging around somewhere I don't know where. And Tanaka's always late…anyway, you ready to go?"
"Uh-huh." Tetsuo tried to make his face blank, but he knew there was a scowl pulsing on it like a spot.
Tanaka rolled his eyes. "Don't start throwing a hissy fit, okay? So we were late. Big deal."
"Aw, give him a break," Kaneda said. "He's just moody about Kaori, right Tetsuo?"
"No I damn well ain't. I don't give a shit about her."
Kaneda shook his head. "Whatever you say. Come on."
Oh, like you're perfect – jerk – arrogant jerk – because everyone likes you, and no one ever stands you up, and you never look stupid and I hate you, I hate you…
He got up, and followed the others out of the bar, and up the steps. Outside the air was cool, and the sky was blazing from the spotlights sweeping across it; green and blue and white like ice. He felt them poke at his eyes, and squinted, and shoved his hands into his pockets as they walked round to the alleyway.
"The Clowns're on the East Ginza Intersection," Tanaka said. "We better get going."
I hate you…
The battle was over. The Clowns had been sent staggering off into the night.
I hate you.
Tetsuo leapt onto his bike and gunned the engine. His thoughts burned.
I hate you.
And as he let them, they got hotter and hotter.
I hate you.
Kaneda was leading the group, his bike leaping down the road. So happy now.
Damn Kaneda – damn him –
The bikers roared down the highway, their headlights tearing away the dark.
Way back when –
Where do you think you're going, jerk? A foot stuck out, and he was falling into the dust. Snickering, and more feet, slamming into his ribs, the grime filling his nose and mouth, and pain, and tears – then Kaneda – hey, get off my friend! Pulling him to his feet. Geez, Tetsuo, you okay? You should learn to fight sometime, you know.
I try, all right?
Yeah, well…A shrug. Try harder, maybe? It's not that I mind saving your ass, but it's getting kind of old.
And from the corner of the playground – yeah – Kaori – watching –
Tetsuo's hands shook, and he clutched the handlebars tighter. Now wasn't the time to go into flashbacks. It didn't matter how pathetic he'd been as a kid – what mattered was that he could kick ass now, break skulls and send people spiralling off their bikes into shadows…
But everyone else can do it better.
Kaneda was ahead of him now, his bike glowing even in the darkness. The engines hummed, and his sounded the smoothest.
What had he said? The night they were arrested? It's too wild. You couldn't handle it.
The rage clutched Tetsuo's lungs. He took a gasp of air.
Handle this!
He accelerated, tyres screaming, and charged towards that figure on the red bike –
No, don't do it –
No, do!
He slammed into the side of Kaneda's bike, and caught a glimpse of his friend's face, shocked, and smirked.
"What the hell are you doing?" Kaneda yelled as he struggled to stay balanced.
Tetsuo accelerated, overtaking Kaneda, charging down the highway. He heard the roars as the others strove to catch up. Heart pounding, blood flickering in his wrists and forehead. Faster. Faster! You could run into the darkness forever because that city kept glowing so you could never lose the light –
"Tetsuo!"
Kaneda was catching up. Tetsuo slowed a little, waiting, waiting, and then swung his bike forward and struck Kaneda's again, a clatter like smashing glass – and Kaneda was sent flying off his bike and hard onto the road.
"Kaneda!"
"You all right, dude?"
Tanaka and Yamagata skidded to a halt. Tetsuo wondered if he wanted to keep on riding. The highway lurked below him, bare of cars for the moment. He could run deep down into its shadows…
Nuh-uh. He wasn't no coward.
"Kaneda," Tanaka said, leaping off his own bike. "Are you all right?" Kaneda picked himself up. There was a large, red graze across his face, plus a scowl.
"What…the hell do you think you're doing?" he snarled at Tetsuo.
Tetsuo folded his arms. He could feel his heart thumping underneath them. "Having a bit of fun. You can't take it?"
"That wasn't fun!" Kaneda stormed over to him and grabbed him by the shirt. "That was just being stupid! Damn it, Tetsuo, what the hell were you thinking?"
"Don't like being pushed around?"
He stared into Kaneda's eyes. They were narrowed in rage, but behind the rage was shock – and Tetsuo felt his skin tingle. He'd broken through this time. He'd shown Kaneda he wouldn't take it any more – he wasn't just a stupid kid – he was tough and he could hit out at last –
"Chill out, Kaneda," Tanaka said. "He's just got his head up his ass. Don't waste your time with him."
Kaneda snorted, and let go of Tetsuo. "Yeah. Yeah, you're right. Come on, let's get back to the Harukiya."
Tetsuo watched him walk away, and found himself shaking.
"Get back here, Kaneda!" he yelled.
"Shut up, Tetsuo," Yamagata said. "What's with you tonight?"
Kaneda turned back as he reached his bike, and said, "I'll come back when you're normal again. Okay? When you ain't a damn psycho."
He glared at Tetsuo, and then leapt onto his bike, and charged away, and the other two followed.
Tetsuo stared after them, trembling, and was furious to find his eyes stinging.
So close. He'd felt power, he'd touched it, felt it in his knuckles as he'd gripped the handlebars of his bike, heard it clatter and screech as Kaneda had been sent flying – seen it reflected in Kaneda's eyes –
And then that bastard had just shrugged and ignored him. Walked away from him like he was a little kid having a tantrum.
The anger sank onto his chest, made it hard to breathe. He took a swallow of petroleum-air.
Far away, he heard the hiss of a car, and remembered he stood on a highway; grabbed his bike and hauled both it and himself off the road. The vehicle rushed past him, the lights ripping into his eyes.
Great. Looking stupid as usual.
He half-expected to see Kaori watching from the shadows like she always had.
He didn't want her to, of course. All his life she'd been watching him look like a wimp.
So had Kaneda. Both of them seeing him get stamped on and kicked and laughed at and tripped up, and now both of them had betrayed him. Some friends they were. So it was true. You couldn't trust anyone. The thoughts flooded his mind, hot and heavy, lapping against his skull. I'll show them. I'll show them.
Well, he hadn't spoken to Kaori for three weeks –
You think she really cares?
No, he knew she did care, she'd cried her eyes out enough, hadn't she?
But Kaneda –
He frowned.
He'd show Kaneda somehow. Okay, so he wasn't like majorly strong or anything – maybe Kaneda was tougher and could keep his cool more – maybe – but somehow there was a way. Something none of them would expect.
Tetsuo nodded, and leapt onto his bike and rode away.
