Chapter Twelve – Pain Sugar Blood
(I own Tenchi and Hiroshi Shimura and Tanaka and Ryuta. Everyone else is Mr Otomo's. All reviews appreciated!)
***
Darkness poured over the city, and wave after wave of neon lights glinted on its underside.
Tetsuo lay in bed, watching them shine on the torn wallpaper. Huge, sharp shadows swept out from the rips. Too dark. Didn't matter how bright the light was cos the shadows just got darker.
He must still be a bit drunk. He didn't think those thoughts normally.
Another night out with the guys. Harukiya. Bikes. Clowns and skidding and the crack of crowbars on skulls. Slowly, slowly the city was becoming theirs again.
Theirs. Not mine.
Well, why'd that matter anyway? The city wasn't really theirs either.
So you owned a few mouldy old pavements. That was down in the depths, and the skyscrapers and spotlights and towers didn't notice and wouldn't have cared anyway, because to them and all the people who lived in them it was just bloody kids, scribbling on walls, I blame the parents…
And even if you did something amazing, held everything from the docks to City Hall to the Olympic stadium, in a few years you'd be dead, or behind bars, or old and fat and sitting in pubs with your face stubbly and red, muttering once I was somebody…and no one would remember you and there'd be new battles, and the turf boundaries you'd worked so fucking hard to draw up would be lost and redrawn and lost again…
You could never own Neo-Tokyo.
And knowing that to be true – that wasn't good – because if biking and all was worthless, then why…why…
What the hell else was there?
Kaori was watching him. He could feel her gaze and her breath running softly across his bare shoulders.
There was nothing else.
Tetsuo shivered, and carried on staring at the light. Orange-yellow, heavy colour. Like nicotine, fake gold plating, cheap orange squash.
I won't let there be nothing – I won't – I won't –
So the city remained out of his grasp. It was dumb to think like that. You could do other things – possible things – you could show people you wouldn't take any crap from them –
Oh, can you? The Kaneda-voice in his head. Tetsuo, you've never been able to do that. Else I wouldn't have had to save your ass all your life.
How could you do it?
How could you teach someone a lesson when they were strong and you were weak?
Some people just gave up and accepted it. For some reason Tetsuo thought of Kai, always a follower, never wants to lead, who fell in with whatever was suggested and was so desperate he sold himself on the streets –
But he wanted Kai to be pathetic. Pathetic people didn't fuck your girlfriend behind your back.
He looked over at Kaori, and a blast of yellow light swarmed over her face as he did. She had her eyes shut, but she wasn't asleep, he figured. She never went to sleep while he was there.
Because she'd given up too – not like those other girls, who desperately wore high heels and stockings and flipped off the guys who stood them up – they wouldn't accept they were just dumb whores – they wanted to be someone else –
But they're pathetic, cos they'll never do it, all they'll ever do is fuck until they get pregnant and drop out and we'll never see 'em again – and she's pathetic – because it'll happen to all of 'em but she'll actually care – us guys aren't pathetic – I'm not pathetic – I'll do it – I'll be somebody.
I've got to be.
How? What else could he do to Kaneda, what else could make the guy see Tetsuo wasn't that pathetic little kid any more? Kaneda never admitted he was wrong – Kaneda knew where he stood in the world, and it was at the top of the heap – Kaneda never thought he couldn't own the city –
Tetsuo wondered for a moment why his so-called friend had ended up in a children's home in the first place. He never talked about it; subject changes, silences, sudden diversions – yeah, because Kaneda has to make sure he's perfect, don't he? Can't be like poor pathetic little Tetsuo who was left all alone – Kaneda had never even said whether his mum and dad were alive or dead.
Maybe he just didn't care.
He never cared about anything.
Tetsuo sighed. His mind had wandered off-subject, damn it. Think. Think. Even if he did something real great, something no one else had ever done, Kaneda would just copy him and do it better – it had happened when they were eight, and Tetsuo had been the first person to climb up onto the school roof, and then Kaneda had done it quicker, and walked along the edge as well – no – then everyone else would say wow Kaneda you're so cool –
And if Kaneda ever thought he was losing a dare war, he'd just shrug and say this is boring, let's…and whatever he thought up would be much more interesting and everyone would go do that instead.
No.
There were only two ways to deal with this.
Go find another gang, one which didn't know him as Kaneda's pathetic little friend…
Or get rid of Kaneda totally…
He shivered again.
Kaori shifted, dragging the sheets round her. Tetsuo snatched them back. He needed them a lot more than she did, after all.
"Tetsuo?" she whispered.
Oh, geez. He didn't want to talk to her. He should leap up, get dressed, run out, ride on his own –
But before he could, she'd snuggled against him, and her head was resting on his shoulder. He could feel her eyelashes brush his face when she blinked, and her thin breaths, warm on his skin.
Their hands met, and her fingers twined round his.
Maybe she wouldn't talk. Maybe it would all be okay. And it was kind of nice being close to her. Her breasts were gentle against his arm and side, the tips rough, like scratches on glass or something. Her hair smelt of coconuts, and felt velvety and warm.
His Kaori.
Maybe it wasn't so bad she didn't want to be anyone else. Those girls Kaneda and the others screwed, they were way too up themselves, and they laughed at guys behind their backs.
He remembered that first kiss with her, in the playground in the twilight. He'd actually been nervous then, for once. Known he wanted to do something – worried someone else would do it to her first – for a few moments she hadn't been scruffy, dusty-footed Kaori, she'd been something else, A Girl, with tiny curves under her T-shirt and other things he was clueless about…
He wasn't nervous of her now. Nuh-uh. He was pretty sure he'd done more, seen more, than she had, so it was okay, right?
A sudden cold notion hit his mind.
Unless even she thought he was the lowest of the low.
Was that what she'd thought?
She'd thought even Kai, that loser, that freak, was better than him?
Kai had touched her breasts and felt her hair – Tetsuo pictured those hands on Kaori's body and it was just wrong; and he grabbed her shoulders, kissed her, left cold handprints on her skin –
And she kissed back, and slid closer, and buried her face in his chest as if she didn't want to see anything else but him.
Calm again, suddenly. He placed his palm, fingers outspread, on her stomach, and laughed as she yelped at the coldness of it.
"Are – are you going to stay for a bit longer?" she asked at last.
"I might. Why? You want me out of here?"
"No! Of course not –"
He hadn't really thought she would. Just checking.
"Tetsuo," she said at last. "Are – are you still angry with Kaneda?"
There was a silence, and Tetsuo felt his choices one-two thud down the sides of his brain.
Find another gang…
Or lose Kaneda…
He didn't answer Kaori, but she didn't say anything, just squeezed his hand again.
Find another gang? Kaneda laughed in his head. I don't think so, no gang's gonna want a scrawny little runt like you, and even if they do you'll still be the wimpy one. Face it, Tetsuo, it's not me, it's you –
I'm not a wimp. I'm not.
Well, what're you gonna do then? Kill me?
Kaneda – my friend –
No – he's not my friend – he's not – I can do this – I can do anything –
He was trembling all over. Shit, it was too cold in this room.
"I need to cool down," he said, and climbed out of bed. Kaori sighed.
But he didn't walk out on her. Just dressed again, and then stood staring out of the window. Below them, cars tore past, bleeding light.
Tetsuo stared at them for a few moments, thinking, and then lifted his gaze to the skyscrapers encircling them.
You can never own the city…
Kaneda. My friend. They picked on me when I first got here, he'd said, years ago. But Tetsuo'd never seen that, had he? Kaneda had never been the one sent sprawling into the dirt, the one left to pick grit out of cuts, the one doubling over as he got kicked and punched in the stomach.
Eight years of that shit.
Tetsuo squinted at his face in the window, and the skyscrapers shone through it. Golden bars, sickly light, fighting against the darkness, and the noise, the ever-playing shriek of cars and radios, and under that, the silence you heard when you'd drunk all you could and ridden your bike to death and there was nothing else to do but – but fight –
"Kaori," he said. "How'd you like to get out of here?"
"Where would we go to?"
"I dunno. Somewhere else. Somewhere – far away." He leant forward, rested his forehead on the cold, damp glass, and closed his eyes to see the idea more clearly…
Nothing, and he opened his eyes to see the lights still glowing.
"We could go tomorrow," he said, suddenly desperate. "We could – tomorrow night – we could, Kaori, we don't have to stay here any more –"
They could find another place. A nicer place, where it could be just them. No one else trying to hurt them or teach them a lesson or bring them down or boss them around –
No one else to take Kaori away from him –
Memories. Him and her sitting eating sweets by the brambly fence. That hadn't been bad.
And way way back – gentle hand on his – and sunlight, and his feet in cracked baby-blue shoes –
What the hell are you on about? Kaneda snickered in his head. There aren't any places like that any more. Not if you're broke, Tetsuo-kun. And not if no one wants you any more. Which they don't.
Shut up, he thought, shut up, shut up – it's true – we could find a place like that – we gotta be able to – shut up –
A siren howled below them, tearing through the street, and he looked up, and saw skyscraper after skyscraper, blazing, a million hot light bulbs, a million people who didn't give a damn about him – the sight throbbed in his head, and suddenly he was shaking, he had to get out of here, out of this city, this world, this life, something.
Kaneda.
If Kaneda was – just gone –
The thought frightened him, because without Kaneda – there wasn't anyone to protect him – to stick up for him – and Kaneda had been around for like ever –
I don't need anyone, I don't, I don't, I don't…
There wouldn't be anyone to hold him back, to laugh at him, to make him feel small and do everything better than him…he clutched the windowsill, the dusty, mildewed wood warping under his fingers. He couldn't be scared. He had to do it, he had to be brave, anyone else would be, Kaneda would be brave –
He wouldn't take it any more.
No one else was ever scared.
"I gotta go," he said to Kaori. "See you around, okay?"
"Tetsuo –"
"Chill out. Nothing bad is going down, all right? Just go to sleep."
Suddenly he was feeling better. Still jittery, but kind of calm as well, like the first time he'd ridden a bike. He'd been terrified he'd crash, but once he'd actually leapt on and was speeding down the road, his heart beat had relaxed a bit and he'd stopped feeling so sick. Things were always easier once you'd made a decision. Then you just had to cling on.
***
In another room, in another orphan-dorm, Yamagata lay on his bed, staring up at the dents in the dark, night-black ceiling.
You – you could come here again, Kai had said. If you wanted.
So do you like him?
I've never wanted him like that. He's my friend.
There was a crash from outside, breaking glass, some bar dumping its empties, probably. Or maybe a burglary or someone falling out of a ten-storey window. Lot of glass in Neo-Tokyo.
He closed his eyes for a moment, and stretched out his arms and legs, so he could feel the emptiness of the bed. The sheets were cold and gritty. A draught flicked at his stomach, in the gap between two buttons, and his fingers felt cold and hard, like the surface of a shell.
He imagined Kai lying here curled up next to him, head on his shoulder; warm skin, slow breath.
He could be here.
And yet.
Would seem strange to be screwing Kai in this room; in the real world, on a bed whose sheets smelt of him and no one else, with his clothes scattered all over the floor –
Where Kaneda lay, where he slept next to me –
Kai wouldn't like it anyway.
They weren't, like, boyfriends or anything. Friends.
It wasn't important.
If he was kind to Kai – kind in a stupid boyfriend sappy way – dates – holding hands and watching TV together – he sneered at the thought of it. Pathetic.
Kai watching him, keeping his eyes on him, and never saying a word.
Yamagata snorted, and rolled over, dragging the sheet over his head.
He would sleep with Kai to make them both happy and that was it, was his last conscious thought.
He dreamt he was in darkness, kissing someone he didn't recognise – and then a Neo-Tokyo spotlight swept over them and he squinted to see who it was, but they vanished, and he was trapped behind a barred gate. Ivy grew through the gate and ate into it and rust splintered off the sides – and he kicked out at it, and fell onto the floor of the Harukiya, and looked up to see Tetsuo smiling down at him.
And then he woke up for a few moments, and by the time he was asleep again he'd forgotten such a dream.
***
The next evening. Eleven p.m.
Yamagata rode down the side street, squinting to see the Clown ahead of him. The iron bar was heavy and cool in his palm, and he swung just for the hell of it, and sent a couple of wing mirrors flying off the parked cars.
Ahead of him was the T-junction. The Clown had almost reached it. Yamagata accelerated – the Clown took the left road – Yamagata wrenched the bike round, hard, that had saved enough time – and he was gaining, closer, closer –
Thunk
The Clown was sent flying backwards off the bike, and landed heavily on the bonnet of another car. Yamagata grinned, and kept riding.
He wondered what time it was. He had promised to go see Kai, after all. After this battle was all over, yeah, wouldn't be so bad to unwind…
"Yamagata!"
He looked round, and sighed as he saw a figure charging towards him on a shiny red bike.
"What?"
"Any more of 'em down here?"
"Don't think so."
"Not bad! Tanaka says Joker's taken a bunch of them home with their tails between their legs, so looks like they're finally getting the point. Now Ryuta's come back we're doing real good. Pity you went off down into the backstreets – you missed a great show on the highway –"
Yamagata shrugged, and interrupted, "Where're we going now?"
"Harukiya, I guess. You cool with that?"
"Yeah, whatever."
No, cos I want to go find Kai…
Kaneda wouldn't be happy –
Nah, he wouldn't mind. He wouldn't.
Are you kidding?
Okay, so maybe he would even though it was just-a-fling. But whatever. Yamagata wasn't gonna stop doing this just to make Kaneda feel better. He was sick of Kaneda. Kaneda who was so dumb he didn't even notice his boyfriend was screwing someone else – Kaneda who had to be in control all the time – same old complaints, whatever, they were true, and he and Kaneda were stuck with each other. Kai was like a perk. A reward.
***
The dim light of the Harukiya glowed in the surface of the drinks. Yamagata gulped his down, and glanced at the bar clock. Eleven-thirty. If they stayed here till midnight, he could then say he had something else to do, and get his ass out of here and burn down to Blue Orchid Street…
After all, he'd promised Kai.
And then Tetsuo got to his feet, as if to pull his chair in a little further, and caught Kaneda's glass with his elbow, and sent it flying off the table.
Kaneda yelped and jumped up to dodge the flood of beer. "Tetsuo, you clumsy moron –"
Tanaka, and Ryuta, a Capsule who'd only just got released from reform school himself, snickered.
And Tetsuo rolled his eyes, and said, "So what? It's only a dumb drink."
Yamagata sighed, and wished that guy would get over himself. He didn't want there to be a row tonight. Cos then he'd have to hang around and support Kaneda, and he so wasn't in the mood for that.
"You could at least buy me another one," Kaneda said. "I was barely getting started."
"Well, guess you'll just have to stay sober then."
Kaneda frowned at him, as if he hadn't heard right. "Huh?"
"I said…" Tetsuo walked round to face him, smirking. "You'll have…to stay…sober. Get it? Or are you deaf as well as dumb?"
"Right, that's it. Get the fuck out of here and don't come back till you're over – whatever the hell you're not over –"
"No."
"What?"
"I think we've been avoiding this long enough," Tetsuo said. "I don't like you and you don't like me. So let's get it out in the open, huh? Let's fight."
"Wh – on bikes, or –"
"I ain't that stupid. You'd kick my ass because your bike's a god or whatever. On foot, Kanny. Hand to hand."
"You don't know what the hell you're dealing with."
"I seen you fight. I know exactly what I'm dealing with. And because I know, I say let's raise some stakes, okay? You lose, I get your bike."
"What?"
"Don't make me repeat it again."
"And what if you lose?" Kaneda said. "I don't want your souped-up junk heap, thanks all the same –"
"If I lose, I – I'll quit the gang. You're getting old on me, Kaneda. I'm sick of you."
"This is dumb," Kaneda said. "Look, sit down, get over it, have a drink –"
"Oh, so you're scared."
"Oh, fuck off, I'm not scared –"
"Then fight me! Go on! If you win you never got to put up with me again!" Tetsuo took a deep breath. His hands were shaking, and he gripped the back of his chair. "These three can be witnesses. All legit."
"Yeah, go on," Tanaka said. "Fight him, kick his ass and let him know who his leader is. Then we can all get on with our lives."
There was a short silence, filled with the clatter of glasses and the smell of smoke.
Finally Kaneda nodded.
"All right," he said. "Come on."
***
They crept out to a patch of waste ground that was hidden at the back of a derelict shopping centre. The huge, broken building blocked out most of the streetlights, but every so often a car turned the corner and shone lights right into their eyes.
"I'm gonna go blind at this rate," Tanaka muttered, rubbing his eyes. "Ain't there anywhere better?"
"This place is nice and quiet. We don't want the cops on our asses, not for summat like this." Kaneda swallowed, and shoved his hands into the pockets of his jacket. "Cos this is no big deal, so it'd be dumb to get busted for it."
He turned to face Tetsuo. "So? You still wanna go through with it?"
"Course I do. If you ain't scared."
"Okay." Kaneda nodded. "You three – get over here and do the witness thing." He glanced at them, and gave Yamagata a quick smile. Yamagata kept his own face blank. He didn't want to be a part of this. Who cared if Tetsuo was freaking out? He had his own stuff to do tonight, other stuff…
"No weapons, right?" Kaneda continued. "Fists only." He kept glancing at Tetsuo as he spoke. Maybe he was trying to see why the guy was doing this or something.
"Sure," Tetsuo said, and another car rushed past them, and his face burned with white light for a second.
"Loser's – loser's the first guy to give up or black out."
"Yup."
"If I win, you quit the
gang. If you win, I – I give you my
bike."
"Nice to see you're
listening. Now can we get going before
you take root here?" Tetsuo was tensed
now, a sharp shape against the brambly ground.
Yamagata yawned, and stared up at the mound of the shopping centre above them. The walls were covered in graffiti, and through the smashed windows he could see dark corridors, empty stairs.
The air was cool, and smelt of burnt wood.
"Let's go already!" Tanaka hollered.
Tetsuo's hands curled into fists.
Kaneda stood a moment, frowning, as if willing Tetsuo to give up.
Then Tetsuo ran towards him, swung, caught him on the side of the face, sent him stumbling, and he yelled, "Right, you're asking for it!" and he rushed towards Tetsuo and punched him hard in the stomach.
Tetsuo doubled over, a writhing lump of shadow, and Kaneda, slightly brighter in his red jacket, caught him in a headlock, and punched him somewhere in the face.
Yamagata sighed. Anyone could see how this fight was going. Maybe Kaneda wouldn't be so clingy if Tetsuo was gone –
Then Kaneda cried out. It was a cry of someone who'd just been startled – someone who'd been stung or trodden in a hole or something –
Not the sort of cry Kaneda made in fights.
Yamagata squinted into the dark, and another car passed them, and the scene burned in front of him – Kaneda, one hand clutching his side, high up on the ribs – Tetsuo stumbling away –
"What is it?" Tanaka called. "Kaneda – you –"
Another blaze of white light, and now Kaneda was running towards Tetsuo, his face burning with fury –
"You fucking cheat! You bastard!"
The darkness rushed over them as the car roared away, and Yamagata heard the sounds of punches, and someone choking and gasping, and Kaneda still cursing –
Another burst of light.
Kaneda, and Tetsuo, his face weeping blood, both diving for something on the ground –
"What the fuck is going on?" Tanaka was groaning.
Kaneda – "Now I'm gonna fucking kill you, you fucking bastard – you –"
Tetsuo – "Just try it! I'm not damn scared of you!"
Kaneda – "I'll cut your fucking throat out!"
"Kaneda, stop –" Tanaka yelled, urgent, Yamagata wished there was more light, what was going on?
Footsteps, and another car, and Tanaka had grabbed Kaneda's arm, and Ryuta was hurrying over to them, and Tetsuo was half-crouched on the ground, a gash of darkness running across his forehead –
"Kaneda," Tanaka said again, "cool down…stop…he's just some dumb little kid…he ain't worth it…"
"What's happened?" Yamagata said.
Tanaka rolled his eyes, and Yamagata, suddenly furious, knew what he must be thinking – why can't Yamagata grow a brain for once? –
"Tetsuo just pulled a knife on Kaneda. And Kaneda got it off him and tried to stick him with it. Get it?"
Yamagata gaped at Tetsuo. The guy crouched on the ground, scowling up at them all, looking like a damn kid who'd been caught pinching sweets. Blood was starting to run into his eyes.
"Kaneda, give me the knife," Tanaka said. "C'mon. You could take him down with one hand, so give me the damn knife already…"
There was a short silence. Yamagata heard their breathing, loud, in step with the blood pounding in his ears.
"Quit fucking patronising me," Kaneda suddenly said, the words sharp and heavy. "I'm the damn leader, all right? I know what I'm doing."
He shook Tanaka off him, and walked over to Tetsuo.
"You," he said, "had better get the hell out of here."
"Make me."
"You cheated," Kaneda said, his voice sounding as if it was sick of words and reasons. "You forfeit because you cheated. You lose. You are out of the gang. Do I have to spell it? No. Get out."
More light, spotlighting Tetsuo, who rubbed a hand across his eyes, probably to get rid of the blood, and straightened up.
Then the darkness fell down again, and cut his face away from his voice –"Fine. You lot were getting old as it is."
And when another car passed, he'd gone.
Then darkness again.
***
"Kaneda," Tanaka's voice said, "you okay? Did he stick you?"
"I – I think – yeah –"
"Shit. Where?"
"In the back – hah – it's that thing, you know – didn't know he'd do it for real –" Kaneda laughed. "Dunno if it's deep…it hurt, only now it don't…"
"Maybe it's not so bad. Geez, if we had some light already…"
"Bike headlights," Ryuta said. "Use 'em."
"Yamagata, go put yours on."
Yamagata strode over to his bike, which was parked with the others at the side of the waste ground, and tried to ignore the sulkiness, the urge to smash something, spreading through his chest. Kaneda was hurt, dammit, this was serious. Not the time to feel bad cos you weren't gonna get to fuck some whore tonight. No big deal.
The lights ripped away the night; brambles, rusted beer cans, tyre marks jumped into the blaze. Yamagata winced as it splashed his eyes. When he'd got his vision back, he saw the other three hurrying towards him. Kaneda looked paler than normal, or maybe that was just the coldness of the light.
"How does it look?" Kaneda said. He was trying to smile, his normal confident grin, but wasn't quite managing it.
Yamagata wrenched the jacket off Kaneda's shoulders – there was a slight tear to the right of the capsule on the back – and squinted. For a moment he thought it was shadow spread over the other guy's side, then realised it was blood.
"Uhhh…bloody?"
"No duh," Tanaka muttered. "How much blood, dumbass?"
"A lot."
Tanaka snorted.
"If you're so smart, you take a look!" Yamagata said. "Only I didn't realise the eighth district gave fucking medical degrees –"
"Bite me, I was only asking, okay? Let me see –"
"Guys," Kaneda said patiently, "I'm your leader and I'm saying make a decision before I bleed to death!"
"It don't look that bad," Yamagata said, part of him still hoping he could jump ship at this point and go do something else.
Tanaka shoved him out the way and squinted at the cut. "Yamagata, what's with you? It looks shit."
"Okay, fine, so you say what we should do."
"I reckon we should call an ambulance and get him down to A and E, pronto," Tanaka said. "I'll go back to the Harukiya and see if their phone's fixed yet. Ryuta, you go out to the road and watch for the ambulance. Yamagata, you stay with Kaneda, after all, I reckon he needs some support from his hubby –"
"Shut up –"
But the others hurried away, and he was left with Kaneda in the silence and dark.
"Maybe I should tie my jacket round it," Kaneda said at last. "Y'know. I like that blood. It's my blood."
"Whatever."
Kaneda shrugged, picked his jacket up from where Yamagata had dropped it on the ground, and bound it, with some difficulty, round the wound. Then he sat down on his bike, and rested his head on his hands.
"I didn't want to fight him," he said at last. "He started it, didn't he?"
"Yeah."
"He deserves everything
he gets."
Silence fell again.
He's hurt, Yamagata told himself. He's hurt and that's what matters.
But part of his brain was still arguing that Kaneda had somehow done this on purpose, to stop him going to see Kai, and it wasn't fair…
Damn it. You ought to at least care when your friends got stabbed in the back.
Before, when friends were all they were, he would have cared. It had been easier then. Seemed like going out with someone meant spending all your time either feeling pissed off with them or horny as hell.
You could opt out, go single and that. But come on, what the hell else was there to do?
Kaneda had slumped even further, his hands covering his face. His eyes glittered between his fingers as another car rushed past.
Yamagata wondered whether to act comforting or something. But no. He was there, wasn't he? That was enough.
"Damn him," Kaneda said at last. "He said no weapons…he said…shit, he must've been real mad. I don't get it, what the hell is wrong with him?"
Yamagata shrugged. He didn't have a clue as to Tetsuo's problem, and he wasn't that interested in discussing it. The guy had just gone a bit too far was all. Happened to a lot of people.
He wished the ambulance would get there.
***
It was one a.m. Kai had been jumpy all evening. Found himself combing his hair, neatening himself up any time anyone came in, and inside his ribs his heart danced like a child hopping from foot to foot.
He'll come see me soon. He promised. He'll come soon.
He hadn't wanted to 'look forward' to this, because it seemed dumb, and dangerous, and desperate. But by now he had to admit to himself that that was exactly what he was doing.
Oh, come on! So what would be so great about it? So they'd fuck. Maybe talk a little. Lie together for a few moments, rest your head on his shoulder, touch a scar or two, make some dumb joke. It's no big deal, is it?
Well, it was something he wanted to do, it was a good way to spend a half-hour, so what was wrong with it?
He might be here right now.
Kai felt another smile burst across his face.
He was happy. For the first time in ages, he felt happy.
***
Three a.m.
Yamagata leant back in the plastic chair, and groaned.
"Ah, come on," Kaneda said, from his left. "We've only been waiting…uh…"
"Feels like we've been waiting for fucking years," Yamagata growled. "I mean, is this really a damn hospital, or did they all abandon it months ago?"
Kaneda shrugged. In the ambulance his wound had been taped up with cotton pads. These were now spotted with crimson, but the blood seemed to have stopped leaking a bit, which had to be good.
"Chill out," he said. "Something'll happen in the end. Or maybe we'll be here so long I'll heal all by myself, that'll be cool, huh?"
Yamagata grinned despite himself, but as he looked round the waiting room his good mood faded. The walls were painted the same colour as custard (a colour which Yamagata figured didn't look that great on anything you were going to eat, and even worse on walls) and the paint was chipped from where posters about meningitis, flu, first aid, giving up smoking and sexually transmitted diseases had peeled off it (or been ripped off, probably by people sick of waiting). Facing him was a chocolate machine with a piece of paper stuck on it saying Out Of Order, and several seats down some woman was sitting with her baby, which had been wailing for the past hour and didn't seem like it was gonna stop any time soon, and the sound was stinging his ears like paper cuts.
He didn't understand how Kaneda could still be so damn cheerful.
He also didn't understand how Tanaka and Ryuta had managed to wangle it so that they were still out in the real world where there were bikes and beer and several hours left of the night, while he was stuck here waiting with Kaneda.
Well, okay, so he did. He was Kaneda's boyfriend, so he was the one who gave up his time. Yay. Great. 'Cept he hadn't wanted to be Kaneda's boyfriend for a long time, and would probably have got up and left him here alone by now, only he did still want a gang to ride in –
And however much of a pain Kaneda was, he was still the leader.
"Ah, come on," Kaneda said now. "So we're stuck here. So we're bored out of our skulls. So I could be bleeding to death still. So –"
"Shut up. Why the hell are you so cheerful? You just got stabbed in the back by your best friend."
Kaneda shrugged, and didn't answer. Yamagata figured he must have done the whole freaking-out thing back in the parking lot. Now he was gonna handle things by pretending they were all okay. Guess you couldn't really blame him.
"This is nothing, anyway," Kaneda said at last. "I had worse than this."
"Like what?"
"Okay – first time I ever rode a bike, right? I was, I dunno, eleven or summat. And I pinched someone's wheels from the back of a pub – not the Harukiya, some other joint – and burned out onto the nearest road, only I was half-pissed myself and after a few yards I hit a stone or a pot hole or something and went over the handlebars and nearly broke my nose and covered my entire face in cuts."
"I don't remember that."
"That's cos I told you guys I got them from snogging Mifune Ami in the bramble patch, you know? I wasn't gonna let it out that I'd screwed up riding."
"You lied to us?" Yamagata snorted. "Baka. I never believed you about that bramble patch thing, anyway."
"You so did."
"I so did not."
Kaneda laughed, and
stretched out on the chair. "C'mon, work
with me here. We gotta do summat and talking's
as good as anything."
"Why?"
"We'll both go mad with boredom if we don't."
"That's a crappy excuse. That's what you said to the principal about the locker-room raid."
"But that wasn't boring either, huh?"
"Heh, I guess not." Yamagata grinned despite himself as he remembered.
"See? I always come up with good ideas."
"Sure you do."
"Hey, I do! That's why I'm a leader and you're just a stooge."
"I'd punch your lights out for that if you weren't walking wounded."
Kaneda grinned, and glanced down at the cut, and then scowled. "Yamagata…"
"What?"
"I'm sort of bleeding again…"
The side of his biker suit was becoming stiff with blood.
"You're so damn feeble," Yamagata said, hoping the wound looked worse than it was. "Fine. I'll go heckle a nurse, then."
As he got to his feet and headed through the waiting room, he reflected that for the first time in what seemed like ages, he didn't actually mind hanging out with Kaneda.
They'd been like friends again.
***
Five a.m.
"So why don't you think of something?" Hiroshi said. "I don't know why you're expecting me to come up with all the ideas."
"Well, it doesn't bother me, does it? You're the one who's getting stressed about getting caught. I mean, it's a lot easier to be a whore than a rapist pimp pervert, wouldn't you agree?"
"Shut up, Tenchi.
You're the one who's throwing a tantrum because Kai's getting more than
you."
There was silence.
Finally Tenchi said, "Okay. We'll work together on this."
"Good. You've been hanging around with Kai for the last month. Any ideas?"
"He's desperate for Yama-kun not to leave. And he's terrified the guy will do just that when he sees all those nasty scars."
"And you thought you didn't have any ideas."
"I thought you liked Kai," Tenchi said, smirking. "I'm surprised you want to screw him over so badly. But I guess your own skin's kind of important as well."
"It's for his own good."
"Even you don't believe that. You can't –" Tenchi stopped, and smiled again, carefully, angrily.
"Tell me, Tenchi. You're always boasting about your, hem, abilities. How'd you like to prove it to me?"
"Explain."
"You can make Kai fall into your arms with one look?"
"More or less."
"Oh, good –" Hiroshi bit off the sentence, and continued, "and he won't mind you seeing those scars."
"I see him make them, so I'd say no."
"How often does Yamagata come and see him?"
"Every other night, practically. Only he hasn't turned up so far tonight. Kai's going all puppy-eyed already. On account of how Yama promised he would come see him today."
"But that means, surely, that he'll come tomorrow? Offer an excuse?"
"Unless he's got bored."
"You need to get Kai to get Yamagata over here somehow. Then you need to practise your sense of timing."
Tenchi frowned.
"Yamagata needs to see you together."
"Uh, I think Yamagata may have guessed Kai sleeps with other people –"
"Yes, but he's never seen that, has he?"
"No, so what –"
"So he's never seen Kai without a shirt on."
"Oh. Oh." Tenchi grinned. "Now I get it. So, what…Yamagata rushes in, sees the scars, and –"
"I'm sure you, o silver-tongued one, can talk enough talk to make the situation fruitful enough for us." "So Yamagata freaks out and – and leaves? It doesn't seem right somehow."
"He doesn't want to see how pathetic Kai actually is, does he? Even if he doesn't give a damn, Kai will. I'm sure you can see to that."
Tenchi shook his head. "He sees his ickle Kai-kun held down by a nasty gay guy with purple hair, he'll punch my lights out, rescue Kai and they'll ride off into the sunset together and we're both screwed."
"Okay, fine, you think of something!"
Tenchi rocked back on his heels as he considered. Then he said, "How about this? Kai's totally wrecked and upset Yamagata stood him up tonight."
"Yes?"
"I'll convince him he should give Yama-kun an ultimatum. Him or the boyfriend. Yama will freak because he's been enjoying his lack of commitment, choose the boyfriend, walk away from Kai, no more problem…"
"Except then you lose out," Hiroshi said. "Not to mention Yamagata may not choose his boyfriend. They haven't been getting on so well lately."
"I don't care if I don't get Yama. It's just driving me crazy the way he and Kai act so lovey-dovey. Snuggling."
"It's still too risky." Hiroshi frowned. "Snuggling? They're not that romantic, are they?"
"Yup. It's sickening."
"Hmm."
"You've got another idea?" Tenchi said.
"You get on well with Yamagata?" Hiroshi said.
"He's scared of me. He thinks I'm going to rip his clothes off and take him against a wall…oh, mmm…"
"But he knows you know about Kai, right?" Hiroshi said.
"Right."
"So you can make him do things to Kai."
"Uh?"
"You can spin him some line about how he's got to make Kai take his shirt off."
Tenchi frowned. "Like what?"
"I don't know. You think of something. Appeal to his sense of pride. But if he tears Kai's shirt off and sees the scars, he'll feel like a bastard and Kai will want to kill him. Then they both storm off in a rage."
"And then?"
"Well. We deal with Kai."
"How?"
"I don't know. However is needed. Fuck him, give him a shoulder to cry on, talk him out of crying wolf to anyone he might cry wolf to."
Tenchi swallowed. "There's a missing link there. You're figuring Yamagata will hate the scars enough for it to work. They could still talk it out, couldn't they?"
"That's the thing. We ensure that the two of them don't get to talk at first, and then we move in on Kai."
"Hang on. Hang on." Tenchi drummed his fingers against his arm. "No. Look. If you want to cause a certain reaction, you have to prepare both participants first. I can handle Yamagata's dark flame of male pride no sweat. But I think the thing that drives him nuts is when Kai acts all truculent at him – all I-don't-need-you-and-I-can-handle-myself – so we've got to get Kai to do that as well."
"How?" Hiroshi said.
"Well, he goes completely mushy whenever you get near him. He believes anything you say. He thinks you're wonderful."
"Your resentment is showing."
"My point being, why don't you tell him Yamagata's been seen hanging around with his proper boyfriend and saying he loves him or something? Sure, it's unconvincing, but you can fine-tune it."
"All right. So, what…I'll go and see him now?"
"Wait until we close," Tenchi said. "Just so we're sure."
"And what am I supposed to do for the next two hours?" Hiroshi asked.
"I'm sure you can think of something. Bye." Tenchi got to his feet and opened the door. "This way, brother dear."
Hiroshi stood up. "It's been nice to work with you again. You've really changed in the last four years."
"Really? Probably being away from home. I like my personal space."
"I didn't notice. Never seemed to bother you at home."
The words scattered across the floor like broken glass.
"I figured you thought that," Tenchi said at last, eyes narrowed.
Hiroshi sighed. "All right, all right, it was an inappropriate remark, there's no need to get sarcastic."
"I'm not being sarcastic. I'm just saying –"
"All right!" Hiroshi snapped. "Frankly, I don't care."
"No, you wouldn't, would you?"
"I'll leave you now. I'll come back and talk to Kai at seven. You keep an eye out for Yamagata."
He strode out of the room. Tenchi slammed the door behind him, and stood glaring at it. Then he rubbed a hand across his eyes, and then he lay down on the bed, and waited.
***
Seven a.m.
The sky was grey and clammy, and bubbles of dew speckled the windows.
"Closing time…"
Kai heard the voices calling down the corridor, and bit his lip, hard, to stop himself crying. He would not cry. Crying was pathetic and girly and babyish and he didn't need to do it because this didn't matter, it didn't, it didn't…
Yama…why weren't you here…you promised…
And he'd got all excited! He'd been so pleased when Yamagata had said yes! He'd thought this would be a really good night!
Well, it just showed how fucking stupid it was to ever hope for anything. Yeah, you're so dumb, Kaisuke, you just open your heart and run right into people with it, don't you? Think anyone could ever love you, hah, yeah, right, who'd want you around? Yamagata's got bored with you like everyone else ever did. You aren't gonna love anyone, you hear me, cos it's pointless, and geez will you stop crying?
Kai wrenched a hand across his eyes, and swallowed. His throat ached.
What he wanted to do most right now was throw himself down on the bed and howl and howl until maybe he stopped feeling so bad.
Either that or go find Yamagata and break his too-damn-cute face for letting him down like this.
He whispered insults over and over, tasting the short sharp rage in each one, not sure whether he was cursing Yamagata or himself, but the anger fed the sadness and it lurched up inside him like a wave, and he didn't want to cry – he wouldn't – he wouldn't –
Make it stop – please make it all stop – it hurts –
What was he doing? Sitting there thinking – of course he could make it stop. He dived towards the bedside table, scrabbled for the scalpel, pushed up the sleeves of Tenchi's shirt. The cold, damp air hit his scarred arms, and quickly, without thinking about it, he dragged the blade down one of them, and waited –
It stung and the pain swelled on his skin, but instead of cooling the feelings – instead of pushing him out to a place where he could marvel at the dark red line and the pain that was part of him – instead of that, it just made him angrier, because it wasn't fair, and no matter how much he did this it didn't change the fact he'd been let down, abandoned, dumped again…
I don't want to think about this! Shut up! Shut up!
Another sob broke in his mouth. Frantically, he jabbed at his other arm, and raised another pebble of blood – again – again – make a gravel pit of crimson stones – but no one wants you, no one will ever want you, and no matter what you do you can't change that – cut along the edge of the bone in his forearm – down his third finger – over and over the back of his hand like he was trying to darn it or something –
"Kai?"
Why couldn't he stop thinking?
"Kai!"
Someone grabbed his wrist, and he turned to see Shimura.
"What?"
"Stop it. You're not doing any good."
"Huh…don't I know it…" He swallowed. Still wanting to start crying.
"So?"
"So what?"
"What's wrong? You look really down."
"I'm fine. Nothing's wrong." To say actually I was stood up because he never liked me in the first place would be more humiliation than he needed at the moment.
Shimura studied him for a moment, then put an arm round his shoulders, and said, "Yamagata?"
Kai bit hard on his lip, trying to make it bleed again, but even that didn't stop the tears, which were suddenly oozing down his face.
Shimura held him, stroked his back, kissed his throat, and even as Kai hated himself for being so weak, for being someone who needed comfort, he wriggled closer, and more tears forced themselves from his eyes.
"So it was," Shimura said. "He's been coming a lot lately, hasn't he?"
Kai snickered damply, and nodded.
"But not this time?"
"He – he promised – he said –"
"He is only a delinquent –"
"I'm only a delinquent, dumbass –"
"I mean that he's still young. He's not used to mature, adult decisions."
So even Shimura thought Yamagata had an excuse? Kai wrenched himself away, and snarled, "He's two months older than me! And you know what? I wouldn't have stood someone up like this – I would've come to see them – only no one'd care if I did or not, but everyone loves him and he doesn't give a shit – he just screws around on you and expects you to take it –"
"Sometimes people get into certain habits."
"Huh?"
"Certain patterns. You've got used to, ah, 'taking it' from him. He probably thought you wouldn't mind –"
"Like hell –"
"I was told that he was simply another of your customers."
"I – uh –" Kai swallowed, and gazed down at the ground. "He was, well, he is, I mean…"
He was blushing, he could feel it, hot as the tears spreading over his face. Slowly, he sank back down onto the bed, and wrapped his arms round his body.
"I don't care," he snapped. "I don't care. So he's not here? So what?"
The blood was still flowing on some of the cuts. He stared at it and smeared the shiny beads into pulp across his skin.
"It could have been," Shimura said carefully, "that he simply preferred to buy service from someone else tonight."
We made a deal…
Kai pictured Tenchi, Tenchi who was tall and slender and never got scared or confused or embarrassed, Tenchi who knew best, Tenchi who would be more than happy to 'borrow' Yamagata…
And why should it matter? It wasn't like Yamagata had ever actually said anything about how Kai was any different from anyone else in this place.
So he gets to have fun and I get to sit here feeling like shit. Thanks, guys. Thanks a bunch.
"That may not be the case," Shimura said, looking concerned. "It may be that he didn't come here at all – he might have had business back at school, or with his gang…"
With Kaneda.
Well, of course. Because I'm nothing to him, I'm not important, I'm just something for him to go to when he's mad with Kaneda, bastard, bastard…
Kai was trembling so hard he felt like he'd got flu or something. He rubbed his fists across his eyes, praying the tears would vanish and if – if – Yamagata did turn up, the guy wouldn't notice he'd been crying.
"What are you going to do?" Shimura asked.
"Nothing. I'm not working till it gets dark, ain't I? I'll just sit here and wait till then. If Yama-kun comes tonight, I'll see him, if he doesn't, I won't." He folded his arms, and put a couldn't-give-a-damn expression on his face, proud of himself for being able to do it. Even if it did feel like it was all going to shatter any minute when he actually thought about Yamagata not giving a damn either –
Shimura smiled, and hugged him round the shoulders. "I'd better go. Don't worry. You're doing great."
