Chapter Thirteen – Death Sex Magic
A/N: Okaay…I didn't realise how long this chapter was until I copied and pasted it, and, well, even more thanks than usual if you read through it cos it got a little out of hand…this is the penultimate chapter and things are starting to wrap up (if you hate the way the plots are going, well, I'm sorry, but this fic has had…eight endings at the last count, and I'm not changing this one again!) Anyway, I own Hiroshi, Tenchi, Mari and Tanaka, but Kai, Yamagata, Kaori, Tetsuo and Kaneda are © Mr Otomo, as are the scenes from the movie and manga that Kai and Tetsuo remember here. Anyway, please please r+r!)
***
The day remained cold, the air filled with spits of rain.
Tetsuo lay curled up on the floor of his bedroom. He'd stumbled in there late last night, and frantically bound an old T-shirt round his head to try and stop the blood oozing, slippery and hot, from the cut.
So many dreams.
He stood in the Olympic stadium, but it was ruined, the walls half-smashed, the seats empty and covered in dust, the ground scuffed and covered with lumps of rock, and…blood?
"You took a wrong turn."
The sun glowed around a figure watching him.
Himself.
"What do you mean?" he asked.
"You could have been me but now you never will be. You missed your chance."
"What's so good about being you?"
"Listen."
The other him had a metal arm, made of junk and wires, and the fingers of it flexed, and then he heard them, voices like a storm of leaves, "Hail! Hail Lord Tetsuo!"
"This is bullshit."
"It happened. This is the story everyone knows." The other Tetsuo swung a red cloak around his shoulders.
"Well, what's happened to Kaneda? I killed him. Did you do that?"
"You didn't kill him!" his double laughed. "I'm the only one who's ever even come close to that. You just made him mad."
"You think you're so damn great? You're me! We're the same person!"
"No, we're not. I've evolved."
"What?"
"I'm not that sad little kid you are. I'm a higher being. And I rule the city."
"This is a fucking dream and I want to wake up!"
"Try it. Just try it…"
And then he did wake up, but he felt sick and shivery and his head ached so bad…the dawn light was grey, and hurt his eyes, and the air smelt wet and cold.
He lay there, waiting for the queasiness to pass, and stared at the dirt and dust dotted across the concrete floor. Couldn't even afford damn carpets in this shit place…
Maybe he should try and get onto the bed at least…the floor was tipping and jumping underneath him in time with his heartbeat. The bed would be softer…maybe it wouldn't roll so much…he wouldn't fall…
But when he tried to push himself onto it, he felt so dizzy that he thought he would throw up – and slumped back onto the floor again and closed his eyes.
Kaori. Darkness. Inside Kaori, moving back and forth with her, she was whimpering, he could smell her hair. Lying on top of her, her breasts soft and smooth against his chest –
Deeper – deeper –
She was so little underneath him –
He was growing – swelling – his hands and arms and body melting like wax – covering her – red, brown, purple flesh, shiny and swelling like a bubble –
He knew he should be frightened, but why? Now they'd really be one – she stretched out her arms as she came and he covered her up until only her fingertips were left –
"Kaori…" She would help him. She would always help him. Wouldn't she?
Maybe she didn't know he was here.
Maybe she wouldn't come back.
No! He didn't need her –
He was lying on his back now. The ceiling was no better than the floor. Cobwebs tumbling across it. A dusty light bulb. The sunlight, colour of mould, flung across the room. And cracks running under the paintwork and down the sides of the walls and staggering through the damp patches.
The cracks widened, blacker, darker, and he flew towards them and they split open and he stared up –
Some sort of machine – greenish metal –
And above that another crack, and sunlight – and himself – head bandaged, doubling over, clutching his chest –
Frantically scooping at the red mass falling from his stomach –
Tetsuo tried to call out to himself, but that made him wake up.
Maybe he was sick or something. He always had more dreams when he wasn't feeling so good…perhaps. Actually, he couldn't remember, but he liked the excuse.
Kaneda. Kaneda who he hadn't killed – he touched the cut on his forehead, which was slimy, surrounded by dried blood rough as sand. Dead guys didn't cut you. He hadn't killed Kaneda –
Had he wanted to?
He'd tried.
"Kaneda…"
Maybe that had been a dream – that dark, headlit fight in the waste ground –but if so, where had the blood come from?
Maybe something completely different had happened. And he didn't know.
That couldn't be good. Anything could have happened.
Anything. So many anythings.
He was struggling in a river of pills, cold, shiny, heavy on him like sand –
He was smiling down at Yamagata sprawled across the floor of the Harukiya –
He was dragging a small, deep-eyed child through a dusty crater, his legs aching, the world dry and hot –
He was hearing Kaori screaming behind him as he was held down on the hot tarmac –
His arm was gone – his head was burning – he was exploding, aching, covering the world – he was choking on hate as he stared at a small, wizened girl, her face like dead flower petals – he was swallowing a bitter-tasting pill and then suddenly something was holding his heart down and he couldn't breathe and Kaori crouched naked at his feet and Kaneda fell through the roof and the crater exploded as the laser hit and Yamagata fell backwards as his skull shattered and Kai cursed him and and and –
Wake up…Wake up…
He remembered Kaneda, lying unconscious in a pile of rubble while an angry-eyed girl stroked his back.
And he remembered Kaori, slumped on the ground as the blood oozed out of her, her eyes struggling to keep watching him.
Kaneda – I killed him –
And her?
He drew his knees up to his chest, trembling, and shut his eyes again.
***
Yamagata and Kaneda had got back home at seven a.m., Kaneda with a red knot of stitches in his back. They staggered up the steps to Kaneda's room, both of them suddenly yawning hugely at the same time.
"Not the best night ever," Kaneda said, grinning before his mouth stumbled into another yawn. "Man…I need to sleep…if they think I'm coming into school today…"
"Don't mention school. It's makin' me yawn even more." Yamagata dragged Kaneda up the last few steps, and along to his room. "Come on. You fall asleep here, you'll be smushed when breakfast comes."
He opened the door, and they fell into the small, dark room. Kaneda collapsed onto the bed, kicked off his boots, and wriggled out of his bloodstained clothes like someone moving underwater.
"You can crash here, if you want," he said. "Anyway, if you ride home you'll probably fall asleep on the bike…"
He picked up a T-shirt from the floor and crawled into it, then climbed into bed. Springs popped and groaned underneath him. He lay flat for a few moments, then sat up and squinted sleepily at Yamagata.
"You…uh…you can sleep in here…if you want…uh. It's too early for this."
Their eyes met, and Yamagata felt himself blush.
"I – I'm cool on the floor," he said. "Too tired for anything else."
Kaneda grinned, and glanced away.
"Well, watch out for cockroaches," he said at last. "And my old socks. I wouldn't want you choking to death."
"Thanks for the warning."
"Uh-huh. G'night. Or good morning. Or whatever the hell."
Kaneda lay down again, dragged the sheet over his head, and within a few moments he'd started snoring.
Yamagata stood staring at him for a moment, then slowly sat down, resting against the wall.
It was too light outside, and some bastard above them was playing thrash metal music at top volume. Not to mention he felt like he'd been folded up wrong. He should probably lie down if he actually wanted to sleep. His eyes felt like pebbles.
In the end he slipped into a doze where he felt awake, but where his thoughts and the walls of the room rippled and popped like soapy water.
He remembered that first morning in reform school. He'd been so tired then as well, cos the guy in the bunk above him had not only been snoring, but also a very active sleeper, and every time he rolled over the entire bunk bed creaked and you felt like it was gonna fall down on top of you.
That morning, confronted by a breakfast of sloppy, cold cereal with milk that smelt like it had been at the back of a fridge since World War Three, and every joint in his body ached as if someone had pinned him to a wall by his elbows and knees. Not to mention feeling like he wanted to smash the world for getting him into this mess. Three months! It wasn't fair, dammit, they'd only been looking for a little fun – fucking penalty points – fucking regular courts – fucking Clowns –
But Kaneda had still been irrepressibly cheerful, and as the days went on, Yamagata had come to be grateful to him for it, because, let's face it, they were in here and someone had to make the best of it – as long as it wasn't him –
Too many guys in here got too gloomy and slit their wrists. Or too mad and ended up as psychos. He didn't want to be like that.
Might've been, if Kaneda hadn't been there.
Had Kaneda known that? Or was he naturally just a perky git who somehow managed to get others to agree with him?
He'd helped either way.
But it was one thing to like hanging out with someone when they were the only person you could trust and deep down you knew they were keeping you sane. It was another to have to hang out with them all the time because you'd got horny once and now you had to be with them foreveranever until you both died of old age and they were driving you crazy.
And that was why he needed Kai as well. Because if the only action he got was with Kaneda – which felt good but was starting to piss him off because, because he felt stupid, and like Kaneda's girlfriend or something – then he would go crazy.
Yeah, no problem. Kai got to be happy cos his little crush was being satisfied, Kaneda didn't have to put up with a pissed-off boyfriend any more, and this was all working out really well. He could live like this.
He stretched out on the floor, and yawned, and closed his eyes again.
***
After spending most of the day asleep on Kaneda's floor – with occasional trips down to the kitchen to forage – he finally felt good enough to consider leaving the building.
"Where are you going?" Kaneda was definitely perkier now.
"Out. Don't be so damn nosy."
Kaneda shrugged. "Hey, I'm your leader. If you're going out riding, I'm coming too."
"It ain't riding. I got someone to see."
"Oh."
Yamagata saw Kaneda consider what that might mean, then push the obvious answer away, and shrug again. "All right. Well, I'm heading out to the Harukiya later. See if I can catch Tanaka and Ryuta. You come find us, okay?"
"Sure."
"And – and if you see Tetsuo –" Kaneda shifted, turning to glance with great interest at a cobweb – "kick his ass for me, cos the bastard has it coming."
"Whatever."
Maybe it was kind of hard for Kaneda. Him and Tetsuo had been hanging out for like ever – Kaneda dashing forward going hey let's try this, and Tetsuo trailing behind, scowling or rubbing bruises from the last time someone jumped him.
It had to be weird when you suddenly realized things wouldn't be like that any more.
But hey. People changed, right?
Like, Kai had changed. And that was no big deal; he'd thought it was, but they were coping with it. Still friends.
Right?
He shrugged, and hurried out of the room.
***
As he skidded to a halt in front of sixty-one, Blue Orchid Street, he kind of wished he hadn't come. Back in the dorm it had been humid and the sun had been thick and flooded the room. Just lying there, not having to think… Out here, the air was cooling, and nipped at his fingers, and the sky was darkening, and in the shadiest corners, where the streetlamps had been smashed, there was no light at all.
But he needed to talk to Kai, didn't he?
Whether he'd stay for anything else he wasn't sure. Okay, so he and Kai had been getting on better lately, but…why was he suddenly feeling guilty? So he'd not turned up when he said he would. So what?
He's only a – a whore anyway. Don't matter.
Part of him knew that probably wasn't true, but he wasn't in the mood for an argument with his brain tonight.
Okay. Let's go.
***
The house had that itchy, excited quality to the air. No, not excited exactly – more like expectant. It was waiting.
Yamagata crept up the stairs towards Kai's room, suddenly wanting to tremble, and furious because of it. But what if Kai was mad with him? Not that he cared, but…
You hurt him bad enough before – picking on him because of that shirt –
Nah. This was different. It'd be a piece of cake. In fact, it would be good because it would show Kai he hadn't meant to not turn up. It had all been a dumb accident.
The house was so quiet. Guess they hadn't really got going yet. The landing was dark, every door was shut and he could hardly see the peeled, flaking wallpaper. He wanted to kick the walls down, let some light in, yell and holler and smash the windows, wake this place up, stop it feeling so tense –
So frightened –
No, Yama-kun, that's you, his brain snickered.
Shut up.
He reached Kai's bedroom door. The atmosphere was musty and still – cigarette smoke, stale soup, old socks. Wrench the roof off as well, yeah, get some fresh air in here –
"Hey, Yamagata."
He looked round to see that purple-haired guy – Tenchi – sauntering towards him.
"What?" he said, angry that he was sort of grateful for the interruption.
"Haven't seen you for a bit."
"You must have missed me."
"I thought you were gonna come see us last night." Tenchi grinned up at him. "Or did I hear wrong?"
"Uh…I was busy." He didn't feel like explaining the whole long, tired evening, not now. Not to mention the way Tenchi was watching him was making him feel edgy. "So, um, how's Kai?"
Tenchi rolled his eyes. "Weird as hell."
"Huh?"
"Well…" Tenchi took a deep breath, then bit his lip. "No, forget it. I shouldn't gossip about him."
He leant against the wall next to Yamagata, crossing his arms over his chest. "You know what he's like."
"I do? I mean – yeah, I do."
Tenchi gave him a sweet, shiny smile. "That's good."
"So come on. What's so weird about him now?"
"He's…" Tenchi glanced from floor to corner to the edge of his own shirt. "You won't like it."
"Tell me."
"Okay, but don't tell Kai I told you."
Yamagata shook off the irritation of being treated like a damn schoolgirl, and said, "Fine, I won't, now get talking."
"You know the whole shirt thing?"
"As in he won't take it off? Yeah…"
"Oh, dear." Tenchi bit his lip. "He's been making a really big deal of it. Saying how it's only you who's still fallen for that. How you're the only one who hasn't got him to take it off now. I have no idea why he's doing it, but…"
"What?"
"He's not right in the head!" Tenchi protested. "He's been through a lot. He gets odd ideas and I think he just wants to feel superior sometimes."
"Fuck that! What the hell does he think he's playing at?" Yamagata heard the words rip through the thick, soupy air, and yelled louder. "He thinks he can put one over on me – he thinks I'm so stupid and he's so damn smart – I'm gonna fucking kill him –"
"Go easy on him!" Tenchi said, clutching Yamagata's arm. "He's been through a lot –"
"I am absolutely fucking sick of hearing how pathetic Kai-kun is and how we've all gotta be nice to him!" Yamagata shook himself free, and marched towards the door.
"Okay," Tenchi said.
***
Kai heard Yamagata shouting, and stopped listening for the sound of bikes, and turned away from the window. The city was sinking into dusk, and streetlamps were bright against the pale yellow sky.
So. So. He was mad, was he? Probably at something completely stupid, probably something that wasn't even a big deal, and going to take it out on the innocent.
I ain't playing the damn victim any more.
***
Yamagata shoved the door open. It slammed back against the wall, tearing a scar down the damp wallpaper.
Kai was standing, arms folded, watching him coolly. "Well, look who's here. Get lost last night, did you?"
Yamagata glared at him, and the angry words clotted together and were too heavy in his throat for him to speak them.
"Lose your tongue as well?" Kai said. The sunset glinted in his hair. "Or did you leave it in Kaneda's throat?"
"What's your problem?" Yamagata marched towards him. "You got a damn nerve, acting like I goofed up – you're the one who –"
"You think I'm the guilty one?" Kai yelled. "You're the one who didn't come round last night – you said –" He swallowed, and his scornful expression blurred for a moment.
That didn't make Yamagata feel any better. Dumb jerk – always guilt-tripping me – acting like it's my fault –
"Oh, shut up," he said, trying to make his voice as sour and nasty and harsh as possible. "Why don't you get over it? Stop acting like a baby –"
"I'm not!"
"You damn well are! You –"
"Where were you?" Kai yelled, and then bit down on his lip, hard. "Not that I care or anything, but you know, I thought – I thought you said you might turn up. And you didn't. Cos you're too thick to remember what day it is?" he threw in.
Yamagata almost hit him, but settled instead for saying, "I had more important stuff to do. Stuff with Kaneda."
He felt a little guilty about that; you could tell him the truth, he'd be cool with that; no, screw him! Why'd he have to think he's so damn clever? Thinks he's so smart – so funny –
"You know?" he said, and swallowed while he tried to say something that would squash the guy for good. "Y'see…basically, I couldn't be fucked to come round."
And he glanced away for a moment, studied the darkening sky.
"Fine." Kai sounded sharp.
"What are you, a kid? Like I said, grow up."
"I don't care about this, you know."
"So that's why you're all whiny-eyed –"
"I'm not!"
There was a bang on the door, and Tenchi's voice called, "You two might want to keep it down in there. Otherwise people'll complain…"
Kai and Yamagata glared at each other, and finally Kai took a deep breath and said, "So, let's get on with it, huh? That is why you came, isn't it."
He folded his shirt-covered arms, and Yamagata stared at them and all the rage came flying back and socked him hard in the stomach and damn it, he wasn't going to let Kai get away with this – making him look like a moron – laughing at him behind his back – doing stupid stuff because he thought it was cool –
But he couldn't decide whether he should hang around now or not. If he left, Kai would say ha, he was totally scared, he's just got cold feet, or he's gotta run back to his boyfriend…but if he stayed, then – then what? Would they snuggle, would Kai be happy – he didn't want Kai to be happy – would the guy tell everyone other stuff – had he been telling everyone other stuff – he's crap in bed, I'd rather pay him to make him go away, he thinks I actually care…
But no. You didn't back down from a challenge.
"Sure."
He started to undress, watching Kai out of the corner of his eye as normal, and yup, the shirt was staying on, and you're gonna be sorry you ever tried fucking around with me, Kaisuke, I'll show you, no one puts one over on me…
"You ready?" Kai sat down on the bed, wearing just the shirt now, kicking his heels against the carpet. "Or did you forget how to manage buttons last night as well?"
You could explain it, like even now, Yamagata's mind said. Say Kaneda got stabbed and all. Say you had to wait with him, it wasn't just a boyfriend thing, it was a friend thing…
Nuh-uh. Because sure, Kai would be jealous it had involved Kaneda, but he'd also get all sappy because he'd know Yamagata still wanted to be here.
And why the hell should I let you feel like that? I don't need you. You can just crawl back under your rock and die for all I give a damn.
He didn't want to fuck Kai, he wanted to punch him, smash him, feel hot blood on his knuckles and make the guy scream for real.
Cool it, man. You don't have to go nuts. Just show him you're not gonna take any more crap.
"I'm done," he said, and came to sit next to Kai, and kissed him, trying to keep it gentle. Kai tensed – he always did, even after like two weeks of this – but Yamagata hardly noticed, because he had to try and keep the kiss a kiss and not a punch by mouth. The room was growing shadowy, and you didn't need to see any more really. Feeling was enough.
Move closer. Their bodies almost fit right now, jigsaw puzzle, hah, it was a puzzle all right, and Kai was still angry, you could feel it in his shoulders, but his skin was warm and his pulse was quick and excited as they sank down onto the bed together. And Kai'd be expecting Yamagata to reach out to the bedside table and then back and down and in and then to cosy up a bit and then leave, but no that wasn't gonna happen –
Yamagata reached round like he was going to hug Kai, and his fingers found the buttons of the shirt, and he undid the first one.
Kai froze, and then he whispered, "No," and then, his voice shaking, said, louder, "No, stop it, you promised, you said –"
"And you made like you were my friend. I'm not damn well letting you make me look stupid again, okay?"
Second button. Yamagata felt Kai struggling beneath him (always been lighter than me, ever since we were kids) and hissed, "Why're you like this anyway? Why'd you have to fuck me around like this?"
"Like what? Stop it –"
"You know damn well like what!" Third button.
Kai dragged one arm
free and grabbed Yamagata's wrist. "I just don't want you to is
all!"
"It don't fucking matter what
you want, does it?" I'm not letting you talk your way out of this one – Yamagata shook his arm
free, and Kai snatched at it again, and Yamagata hit him across the
face.
Kai yelped, and tried to shove him off – Yamagata grabbed his arm and twisted it up behind his back, then wrenched at the remaining buttons – threads snapped and Kai cried out, tried to bring his knees up to his chest –
"Stop it – leave me alone –"
"Shut up –"
Yamagata pushed Kai onto his back, and yanked the shirt down off his shoulders – now I'll show him – won't be pushed around –
Odd shadows, falling over Kai's skin – jagged, like light through leaves –
Kai had gone completely still. He stared at Yamagata, waiting, chest rising and falling as he gasped for breath, skin pale and shiny with sweat –
Scars…
"What…"
Slowly, Kai sat up, and slid the shirt down his arms and dropped it onto the ground, and held out his arms, and still he said nothing, still he just watched.
So many scars, falling across the skin.
So this was why…
The sun had set, and they sat in shadow, and the air was cold on Yamagata's bare shoulders.
"Kai?" he said at last.
Oh shit, what have I done…
"So you happy now?"
The voice shocked him. It was flat, and bitter, and cold, and it didn't seem like it belonged to his friend – friend? I don't think so – at all.
"You – you should've told me –"
"Why?" One of Kai's hands stroked the mark on his face where Yamagata had struck him. "It weren't any of your business."
"But – but where'd they come from – how did –"
"And that ain't any of your business either."
"Kai…" I'm sorry? But he wasn't – should've told me – I didn't do nothing wrong I didn't I didn't – just wanted to know – he always leaves me out, damn him –
"Are we going to do this or not?" Kai said.
Yamagata had never prided himself on knowing how to smooth over arguments, but even he didn't think you could just – go back to normal like that – not after this had happened –
"Go on," Kai said nastily. "I mean, you got what you wanted now, didn't you. Nothing else I can do for you except let you fuck me."
"Just shut up and give me a break." Yamagata felt the anger rise again. "It's not like you told me or anything."
Kai shrugged.
"Yeah," Yamagata said, feeling more confident now his sentence hadn't been slapped back at him. "You should've just said. 'Stead of trying to make everything into a secret. That's what you do all the time, ain't it? Don't have the guts to just spit it out."
The light was almost gone, and he couldn't see Kai's face, but he saw the guy's shoulders slump a little.
"So whatever," Kai said at last. "I don't have time for this. I got other people to see."
"Don't it bother them?"
"Some people got needle marks. Some people got birthmarks. Some people got bruises. I got these. It's all skin. Are you staying or going?"
And he looked up, and the night shone in his eyes.
If you walk out now, you gotta get dressed and everything, and he'll sit there smirking, knowing you're too damn scared – you got freaked out – and then what? Go crawling back to Kaneda?
"I'll stay."
"Wow." Kai stretched, and Yamagata saw the scars tumbling down his ribs and stomach to collect at the edges of his hips. "Guess I should be flattered, huh?"
Headlights sparkled and tore across the ceiling.
***
Kaori crept up the dormitory stairs, wondering why she was feeling so nervous. Tetsuo wouldn't hurt her. She hadn't done anything wrong this time.
Besides, she needed to find him – the school was crackling with rumours about a fight he and Kaneda had had – people had been saying Tetsuo had tried to kill Kaneda – stabbed him – he was out of the gang – he'd been beaten up himself – he was on the streets –
Surely those had to be nothing but rumours. Tetsuo got angry easily, okay, but he wouldn't do something that bad – would he?
He'd wanted to run away with her – maybe she should have said yes – they should have left that night –
Suddenly she started to run, and didn't stop until she'd reached the top of the stairs. The sun was setting, and the shadows were thick and smeary, and the corridors were dark.
Someone's radio blasted out from down the corridor, and she jumped, and then told herself not to be so stupid. Everyone played music, didn't they? No need to be jumpy. No need to panic.
What if Tetsuo wasn't in his room?
Or what if he was, and something bad had happened?
She shivered. It was too cold in here again.
There was Tetsuo's room. She stood outside it for several minutes, wondering whether to knock, to just go in, or to stay outside and hope.
Finally she realised she was getting nowhere, and knocked gently on the door.
Silence.
She knocked again.
Maybe he wasn't in.
Maybe he was asleep.
Maybe he was hurt.
Maybe he was dead –
"Tetsuo!" she called, and it echoed back along the corridor, past dripping taps and empty rooms and leaking ceilings.
It was getting even darker, and the shadow clung to her hands like dust, and the world turned grey.
And, suddenly trembling, she wrenched the door open, and dashed into the room.
Tetsuo was lying on the floor in more shadow. There was blood all over his forehead and face.
She called his name again, and then bit her lip, and sank down by him and touched his shoulders, his face. His eyes were closed, crusted with blood. He'd bound a T-shirt round the wound, but it had half-slipped and she could see the slit in the skin, smirking at her.
She sank even lower, and listened to him breathe, and relief punched her hard in the chest.
"Tetsuo," she whispered. "Are you awake?"
She shook him, gently.
"Uhhh…Kaori?"
"Uh-huh, Tetsuo, are you all right? What happened?"
"I – I tried to – Kaneda – he cut me and –" Tetsuo groaned. "They've kicked me out…"
"No…"
He rubbed a hand over his face, scowled as he felt the dried blood.
"I – I gotta get up. Do something about this –" He tapped the cut. "Don't go away. No. Come with me."
He got unsteadily to his feet, and she followed him out of the room. The corridor was almost completely dark by now. A few streetlamps glowed on the walls and caught on the dusty floor.
"It's freezing…" Tetsuo hunched his shoulders.
He led her down to the bathroom, which was small and smelt of mould, rotting leaves, blocked pipes.
"Bulb's blown again," Tetsuo said. He closed the door behind them, fumbled with the wobbly bolt. "Here – I'll get some of this blood off –"
He pulled off the T-shirt bandage and dropped it into her arms, then ran some water into the sink and started splashing his forehead and face, glancing up every now and then at the smashed, rusty mirror above him.
Kaori stared at the bloodstains on the shirt. She could smell them, a dark, sweaty scent that made her think of skin and meat and people getting hurt. Seemed odd to associate that sort of stuff with Tetsuo – all right, he got into fights and things, but deep down he was just a kid like she was, wasn't he?
She hugged the T-shirt to her, and felt blood squeeze itself into her T-shirt.
"Kaori?"
He looked round at her, his hair shiny and curled as seaweed. The streetlamps glowed on his damp skin.
"Have I got it all off?"
She stepped a bit closer. The gash in his skin had shrunk now, was brooding to itself now it wasn't bleeding so much. There were a few smears of blood where his hair met his scalp, but she nodded. "Most of it."
"Good."
They stood staring at each other for a few moments. Then suddenly he pulled her towards him, and kissed her, hard, hot against her skin.
And he kept his arms round her afterwards. She wanted to hug him back, but her hands were tangled in his bloodstained shirt.
"Did they – did they really kick you out?" she whispered.
"Course they did. I taught Kaneda a lesson and he couldn't take it."
"What – what did you do?"
Tetsuo drew a finger across his throat, and Kaori heard herself shriek a little.
"Don't be dumb," he said, laughing, pulling her close. "I only tried, didn't I? Couldn't pull it off."
He sighed, and said, angrier now, "No. Fucker got the knife away from me. I'm screwed, Kaori. I can't get into another gang, they'll all say why'd we want a runt like you? And you don't bike on your own. Not unless you're nuts. It's no fun without a gang, there's no turf, no one to watch your back, no one –"
He was gripping her arms, tightly, and his nails dug in.
"If I was stronger – if I had some real power – could do summat no one else can – then I'd be made, but I can't, I can't –"
"So – so what will you do now?" She couldn't imagine what Tetsuo would do if he wasn't biking – he'd go crazy –
"You think I know?" he suddenly yelled.
"I – I'm sorry –"
"Don't keep apologising! That don't do shit! I'm out on my ear – they don't want me – and stop looking at me like I'm some fucking freak –"
"I'm not – I'm not –" She stumbled back, frightened, he didn't want her around anyway –
"Get back here!" He grabbed her by the arm, hauled her forward again, and she yelped, and he cried out, "Stop it! Stop it – you can't leave – you can't –"
She turned away from him, frightened, and he struck her blindly across the face.
Outside it was night, and the tiny room was dark, and the door was still bolted.
You could run – you could get out and run –
But she knew she wasn't going to do that, because she never ran away from Tetsuo.
She stared at him, wondering what expression her face had, because she didn't know what one to give it, and he blinked several times, and then he said, "C'mon, Kaori, don't be mad…don't cry…get over it, okay? I'm sorry…"
She could walk out. Not even run.
But she didn't. It felt as if she'd been promised to him all her life, and walking out would – would – well, what could she do then?
She stretched up and kissed his damp lips.
"Kaori…"
He touched her stinging face, and then scrabbled at her clothes. His hands were cold, but she didn't care, and she dropped his bloodstained shirt, and reached out, and eased his jacket off his shoulders.
She would love him. Boys said it didn't mean love, but tonight she would make it so. She would love him.
It felt like the last time.
***
Skin on skin always and forever. Try and be gentle, you've done enough damage already…the skin on Kai's back was smooth and pale as it had always been. But the scars chased each other down the sides of his arms, scribbles of dried darkness.
On his hands there were some fresh wounds and the blood glowed in the streetlamps.
Even as they moved together Yamagata couldn't stop thinking about this.
How had he got them? – taste the skin, feel the blood breathing underneath it – it had to be – too many accidents? – dive deep, deep and – but no, that was dumb – it had to be something else – you know what it is –
Even so, part of him was glad the shirt had finally come off. Nicer to screw someone when you can touch all of them, without some sweaty, itchy fabric holding you back –
Because can touch all of him, own him, cover him, be mine for ever and for ever this moment –
"Kai…" he whispered.
"Mmm?…"
"How'd you get them…"
"Don't matter –"
Dark and the sheets were crumpled underneath them, dark and the city lights swept across the room and shrieked in Kai's eyes and ripped shadows from the headboard of the bed.
"Someone…hurt you?…"
"Everyone does…"
Maybe he'd misheard that – maybe it didn't matter – coming, coming, falling down into a blacker darkness –
And then it was over.
They lay side by side and their breathing tangled in the air.
"Now are you going to leave?" Kai said, and his voice was flat again.
"Give me a fucking break…"
"I got people to see."
Yamagata scowled, wanting to punch him. "Okay, so it ain't a blast being with me. Don't rub it in, okay?"
Somehow he had to be able to get past Kai being all angry. Somehow they had to go back to how they'd used to be. Friends. Or something.
Normally Kai would be wriggling closer, resting his head on Yamagata's shoulder, but tonight he sat up, quickly, and reached for his shirt, and wrapped it round his shoulders, and pulled his boxers back on, and then sat, staring at the floor.
"What's your problem?" Yamagata asked.
Silence.
"Okay, be a stupid kid. I don't care." Yamagata stretched out an arm, pulled his clothes towards him, and started to dress.
He was just trying to work out which way up his jeans were meant to be when Kai spoke again.
"You want to know what my problem is?"
"Sheesh…all right, fine, yeah, I want to know."
"Okay, great. You're it."
Scornful. Throwing words because you didn't know what else to do.
Yamagata turned, and glared at him.
"Meaning what?" he said.
"You came along and you wrecked my life, basically." Kai stood up, walked through the shadows, round the bed to face Yamagata. "You make like you're my friend and you let me crush on you even though you knew you'd never do anything about it. Then you disappear and that's cool as well, because I should be able to manage on my own. Only I can't cos I'm pathetic, I know, you don't have to say it. And then you turn up here and you say you'll come see me and you don't, you go off with Kaneda or Tenchi or someone, and you make me show you the scars and I know you think I'm crazy and I hate you, I hate you and I wish I'd never damn met you because I can't stop thinking about you –"
He stopped, gasping.
"Forget it," he said. "Just forget it. Just go. Just leave me alone. Go back to your boyfriend and go back to the gang and –"
"Hey – hey, you can't say it's my fault just cos I have friends!" Yamagata yelled. "I didn't ask you to fancy me, okay? I didn't ask you to go off and sell yourself cos you couldn't have me, and I don't know what the hell that's all about anyway. And I sure didn't ask you to start cutting yourself because you can't cope with real life –"
There.
Kai held up something which glinted silver in the night. A scalpel.
"Well, if I'm such a pain in the ass," he said, his voice shaking suddenly, "why don't I just go away?"
He slid back the sleeve of his shirt, and raised the wrist underneath it.
"You're bluffing," Yamagata said, suddenly feeling queasy.
"Who says?"
Kai smirked again, and Yamagata was suddenly sick of it all.
"I says," he said, grabbing the hand that held the scalpel. "Come on – let go –"
"No –"
Yamagata twisted Kai's wrist, ignoring the guy's yelp, and as Kai dropped the scalpel, Yamagata caught it, and slammed it onto the bedside table.
Kai stared at him, and Yamagata realized he was still holding onto that wrist, and let go. Kai hardly moved except to caress the sore skin with his other hand.
"Go away," he said at last.
"Kai –"
"You come here and you spoil everything and you expect me to not care you didn't show up yesterday and you made me show you the scars – just go away, get out, and don't come back."
"You can't say that – I could come here any time I want –"
"Well, you ain't coming to me. I don't kiss and you made me do that and then you saw the scars anyway. You're a cheat and you broke the deal and I hate you and I never want to see you again."
"Fine, I'll go! Geez, you're pathetic."
Yamagata picked up the rest of his clothes, finished getting dressed, and walked out, leaving Kai still standing, watching him through the shadows.
Outside the corridor was dark, and he could just hear a faint patter of rain.
***
The sharp drops of water glittered in the streetlamps.
***
And as Tetsuo and Kaori rode towards the docks to take a short cut, the rain no longer glittered, it just stung, because the docks didn't have streetlamps, they were places your mother was meant to warn you about (only neither of their mothers had, because their mothers hadn't been around to warn them about anything.)
Tetsuo clutched the handlebars of his bike, gritting his teeth against the rain as it spat into his face and beaded on his goggles. His hair was soaked now, flattened to his head.
Kaori clung on behind him, and rested her head on his back. She was feeling a little travel-sick, and achy from riding on the bike, but who cared about all of that? She wanted to laugh and dance in the rain and sing from the tallest skyscraper in Neo-Tokyo, because Tetsuo loved her again and she loved him and now they were together, one in flesh in spirit and he was going to take her away and look after her.
Below them the water waited, puckered by the rain, licking against concrete banks.
It didn't matter where they were going. What mattered was that they were going together.
Mari was wrong. Love could last forever, and Tetsuo was worth it.
She clutched him tighter, and smiled, the rain oozing over her face.
***
Tenchi glanced out of the door of his room, and watched Yamagata leave.
He won't be coming back. You lost your chance, kid.
And I lost mine.
Why should I care? Yama's nothing.
Nobody's anything.
"He's left," he called to Hiroshi.
"All right."
"So we go kiss up to Kai now?"
"If you want to call it that. I prefer 'covering our tracks'."
"Sure you do."
They'd sat, waiting, listening to the muffled argument on the other side of the wall. Tenchi had found himself smirking like a little kid. Hiroshi's face had been totally blank.
So damn dark. Sitting there for hours, watching Hiroshi smoke cigarette after cigarette, and wishing, for the first time in years, that you could sleep in this dark.
And now he was starting to think crazy thoughts, like I could tell Kai the truth and then he'd go to the cops and Hiroshi would really get what he deserved. I could tell him everything – what we said – what we thought – what happened when we were kids – what he really thinks of Kai – everything – everything –
Why was he on his brother's side anyway? He hated Hiroshi.
Because if I'm not on that side, I'm on Kai's side, and Kai's the loser.
"Tenchi?" Hiroshi said from behind him. "Hello. Let's move."
"You gonna pay Kai for his time now as well?"
"Whatever it takes."
"What are we actually going to do?"
"Whatever it takes!"
Outside the corridor was dimmed. The light bulb was fading, and the shadows hid the peeling wallpaper and dusty corners and clotted on their faces. "What are you talking about?" Tenchi said to his brother. "Yama's gone and you heard what Kai said. Don't come back. We're in the clear."
And if I wanted I could make it go so bad for you…
Hiroshi shrugged. "They still fucked, didn't they?"
"Don't tell me you're jealous."
"I'm not jealous. I'm wary, that's all."
"So how do you want to play this? Knock on the door and say 'hi, it's your friendly neighbourhood pervert brothers' and see if he lets us in?"
"Will you keep your voice down!" Hiroshi snapped. "If we could hear him, he'll be able to hear us."
"Sorry."
"And in answer to your question, I had hoped you could be a little more subtle. We're the only two people he's got, why can't we be going to talk to him for some perfectly innocent reason?"
"What, you mean we don't have a perfectly innocent reason?"
"Oh, shut up." Hiroshi walked over to Kai's bedroom door and knocked.
"I haven't told him about us, you know," Tenchi said lightly.
"Us?" Hiroshi knocked again.
"Us."
"I don't believe I know to what exactly you are referring."
Well, I never referred to it since it stopped. Not to you.
Tenchi shrugged, scuffed his foot along the carpet. "What I am exactly referring to, Hiroshi-kun, is the fact that you –"
"Don't spread stupid rumours."
"Don't tell lies!"
Hiroshi looked as if he was going to hit out – or at least lose his temper – but then Kai called out from inside, "Who is it?" and he turned away, back to the door.
"Come on," he hissed, and walked into the room.
It was dark in there as well; an itchy brown darkness spotted with streetlight from the window. Kai was lying on the bed, half-dressed, and it was too dark to see his face.
"Oh, it's you."
"And me," Tenchi said, pushing past Hiroshi. "I heard a bunch of stuff on the other side of the wall."
Kai was silent. Tenchi glanced round for the scalpel, and saw it wink at him from the bedside table. The blade seemed clean though, which had to be good.
"What did you want?" Kai said at last, to Hiroshi. He laughed, but it was a miserable, crunched laugh. "A threesome?"
Tenchi laughed as well, and then the laugh turned sharp and cold in his mouth as Hiroshi said, "You're offering?"
"There's no rules against it. Long as everyone's sensible and everyone's keen and you got the cash to pay two guys."
Tenchi swallowed back queasiness.
Everyone's sensible? I don't think so.
Everyone's keen? You got to be kidding me…
Cash, of course, wouldn't be a problem. Tenchi had never visited his brother's living space, but he had a feeling Hiroshi only used his wages for food, rent and the occasional luxury i.e. Kai or someone like him. Hiroshi didn't have many hobbies.
"Heh, real funny, Kai," he said. "But I think I'm going to have to pass on this one –"
Hiroshi stepped a little closer to him, and put a casual arm round his waist, and said, "Hey, it's only an idea. I thought you'd be the best guy for the job because I know you're the sort that never says no to anyone." One hand clutched Tenchi's wrist, and twisted it round and the bones screamed and the dull, jarring pain began cracking its way up Tenchi's arm. "But that wasn't necessarily what I was after, Kai. I just wanted to know how you are at the moment."
"Why do you care?"
"Someone has to."
"He left." Kai shrugged, and Tenchi, gritting his teeth, made himself know that Kai would have that look-at-me-I'm-tough expression he always had when he didn't want to admit things hadn't gone his way. "I told him not to come back. He was getting old on me."
"And…you're happy about that?"
"I don't need him."
I don't need anyone. I can handle myself. Geez, Kai should get himself a new scriptwriter – and Hiroshi can't break my wrist, he wouldn't, he can't only it hurts it hurts –
"What?" Kai snapped. He must have noticed the silence. "I don't. I don't and I can prove it. Look, I'm not cutting or anything, I don't care."
"Of course we believe you," Hiroshi said. "And you don't have to prove it unless you want to."
"And he doesn't need to – to prove it – to me –" Tenchi bit his lip, he could ignore the pain, he could take it, only it was burning his hand off –
"Maybe he wants to."
"Yeah, I do!" Kai stood up, his silhouette edged with streetlights. "I ain't scared and I know what I'm doing –"
Hiroshi let go of Tenchi's wrist – Tenchi gasped as the pain faded away like smoke, and then tensed as Hiroshi put an arm round his shoulders.
"I'm not fucking you now," Tenchi hissed from the corner of his mouth.
"So you're scared of a threesome? You've done it before." Hiroshi pushed him to sit down on the bed.
"Besides," he whispered, "I'm paying you. So you do what I want. As our juvenile delinquent friends have proved so well, that's how it works."
Tenchi glanced over at Kai, but the other boy was pretending to be very interested in undressing.
"It's not about me," he whispered. "It's about him, remember? Block out all that stuff with Yama – make him forget – make him only want you –"
"You can help me with that, Tenchi-kun. Get your clothes off."
I don't want to –
No. I always have to want to do anything.
Shit, he was glad it was dark. You could be a coward in the dark.
"You'll be sorry," he hissed as he undid his shirt, and oh great, turning back into a child for real.
"Oh, really?"
Tenchi leaned very, very close to Hiroshi, and hissed, "Perhaps I should tell him a few little home truths about what you really think about him."
"I wouldn't. Kai?" Hiroshi said.
"Yeah?"
"Come sit here."
Kai got to his feet, and walked through the shadows to sit between Tenchi and Hiroshi.
There was something different about him now, Tenchi thought. Dead –certainly like he didn't care any more. So what was going to happen didn't mean anything to any of them. That would be nice.
What did Yama do to him?
Tore off the shirt and saw the scars.
How's that so bad?
It's not. Don't worry about it.
Then why is Kai so changed suddenly?
He's just having a funny five minutes. Honest.
And Hiroshi was kissing Kai now, their bodies fusing together into one large shadow. Except where the streetlamps dribbled across them and lit up an eye or a hand –
This is wrong this is wrong this is wrong –
So get up and go.
But you couldn't do that –
Why do you care about him? I thought he was nothing to you –
God, I pray for an apocalypse or something. Let the house collapse and kill all three of us –
Hiroshi holding Kai's shoulders, pushing him down – I notice you're still dressed, brother dear, it's the naked slave boy thing you get off on – making Kai give him what little kids give their ice pops – lie face down in the dark –
"Go on," Hiroshi mouthed to Tenchi.
And then I push him down even further –
No need to get scared, you've done this before – stay on Hiroshi's side and fuck the poor kid who shouldn't have got involved in this in the first place – what the hell am I saying? – Kai chose this, he's no pathetic little flower, he knew what he was doing –
And when he's curled over like that you can't see the scars so they may as well not be there –
Climb on top and hold his shoulders, he's shaking, I refuse to believe he's frightened, after all this time…
Let yourself dive –
He'd done the same as Kai (you mean, had it done) a few times; it burst your skull and let the white-hot light flood in because there was nowhere in your body you could hide because for the moment you'd given every bit away – except, sometimes, you could run down to the tips of your fingers and stay there until it was done.
Sometimes, of course, you didn't want to. Sometimes you were being bounced up to Heaven and back and you wanted to be there for the ride.
But Kai didn't look like he wanted to be in life full stop. The fingers, kid – Tenchi stroked Kai's cold hands, which were clutching the sheets, and then realised his mistake because how can he escape to them now you've touched there as well?
Tenchi heard his brother gasp, and decided not to look, stared at the back of Kai's neck instead. Because I don't want to look at you, Hiroshi-kun – I've heard you coming far too much and frankly, I think you've had your share…
Kai sat up a little, and Tenchi put his arms around the boy's neck and felt him trembling, and kissed his throat and tried to pretend one of them was halfway happy. Kai reached up and clutched Tenchi's hand, and then his fingers dug into it as he tensed for a moment, then slumped down.
Tenchi eased himself out, and let Kai curl up on the bed again.
"Happy now?" he whispered to Hiroshi.
Hiroshi shrugged. "Pretty much. Kai, I'll see you around, all right? Don't worry."
Kai was lying in the dark and even the streetlights didn't touch him, so Tenchi couldn't see his face, but Hiroshi must've been able to, because he nodded and said, "Bye."
Tenchi waited until his brother had gone out of the room before he whispered, "Kai?"
Silence.
"Shall I put the light on?"
"No…"
Tenchi was glad of that. He didn't want to see Kai properly and he was pretty sure Kai didn't want to see him either.
"We'd better get moving," he said. "Inter-company relationships are bad for business, right?"
Still silence.
"Please say something."
Nothing.
"Okay, so you're tired. Big deal, I'm tired too. Reckon you hadn't done that before, huh? It's not much. You get used to it. I thought it was kind of gutsy of you, really, though, especially as…Kai, c'mon, just answer…"
"Whatever."
"What the hell is up with you?" Tenchi yelled, suddenly furious. "It's no big deal! You don't need to act like you just got raped or something, you're the one who offered in the first place, you're the one who wanted it, so don't start being a victim now!"
He wanted Kai to argue back, but the boy just remained silent.
"And stop doing the silent treatment, it's pathetic," Tenchi continued, desperate now to smack Kai into saying something. "You should have grown out of that by now. Look, if you'd said no, I'd have said no too, I never wanted to do it, specially not with him, shit I had enough of that when –" Uh-oh, exposing your past there, it'll sting. Attack instead. "And you've been shagged before, you've gone down on people before, so why don't you stop making such a big deal of it all?"
"Fuck off."
"Kai –"
"Leave me alone!"
"All right, fine." Tenchi got to his feet, feeling ruffled and untidy and stupid, and pulled his clothes back on, saying as he did, "When you're ready to be sensible you can come back and see me again. 'Kay?"
Silence. The only movement was Kai leaning over to pick his own clothes up from the floor, and slowly starting to put them on. Tenchi restrained himself with difficulty from screaming at the kid, and marched out of the room.
Hiroshi was standing outside the door. Tenchi nearly walked into him, and stopped, feeling stupidly frightened.
"Well?" Hiroshi said.
"Well what?"
"I heard what you were saying to him. Nice to see you didn't get any silly ideas."
Tenchi shrugged. "He's not listening to a word I say. Hope you're happy. I think you've screwed up his head even more than his crap parents did."
Hiroshi acted like he hadn't heard that. "I'm leaving tonight, okay?"
"Leaving?"
"The city."
"Why?"
"I feel like I need a break. I've got some leave due –"
"Let me think," Tenchi interrupted. "Either your job is going to be no fun now you don't get to perv over Kai all day; or you're scared the truth is going to come out."
"Shut up."
"Why the hell should I? You ruined my life and you're treating him like scum –"
"It's always about you, isn't it?" Hiroshi said. "Maybe it didn't occur to you that I have an agenda that doesn't involve getting thrown in jail. I'm sure if the positions were reversed you'd do the same. I only want to let things die down. And might I add, you are just as guilty of hurting Kai as I am. You spoke to Yamagata, didn't you?"
Tenchi folded his arms and stared down at the carpet, wishing his eyes weren't stinging.
"Whatever," he said at last. "Fine. Where are you going? Home?"
"Maybe." Hiroshi's face became deliberately
blank. "Maybe not."
"Worried Mama will only want
news of her little Tenchi-kun, and there'll be nothing you can tell her that's
not X-rated?"
"What makes you think she still cares?"
Tenchi swallowed, and wondered if he dared punch his brother on the nose – but he was saved the decision by the crash of a door swinging open. Kai's bedroom door.
Kai stood there, clothes rumpled, his face frostbit-white.
"What did you say to Yamagata?"
"Kai –"
"What did you say to him?"
Tenchi glanced at Hiroshi, who gave him a why-are-you-asking-me?-look.
Nice try.
"Well, Hiroshi here said –"
"I don't know what you're talking about!" Hiroshi snapped.
"You mentioned getting thrown in jail?" Tenchi said. "You were terrified that Yama-kun was going to rat you out –"
"Kai knows that pupil-teacher relationships aren't exactly looked kindly on by the establishment," Hiroshi said quickly, glancing from Tenchi, who was smirking now, to Kai, whose eyes were huge and dark with rage.
"And neither is pimping out those pupils to Neo-Tokyo," Tenchi said sweetly. "Or selling them to brothels. Even if those brothels do happen to be reputable ones at which their own brothers are residing…"
"Brothers?" Kai gasped.
"Me and him. Isn't it wild? And I'll tell you something else, Kai. He gets off on screwing underage kids, because when I was ten –"
"You shut up!" Hiroshi started towards Tenchi. "Shut up – I'll make you sorry –"
"You both shut up," Kai hissed, and they glanced at him, and Tenchi was horrified to see how hurt he looked. "You betrayed me, both of you, I hate you I hate you and you can just fuck off out of my life!"
He marched back into his room, slamming the door behind him.
"Now you've done it," Hiroshi snarled. "That settles things."
"What, you're scarpering?"
"Come on." Hiroshi grabbed Tenchi's arm and dragged him into his room. Tenchi blinked as the darkness swept over him. Hiroshi kicked the door shut behind them, and all that was left of him now was his breathing and his hands on Tenchi's shoulders.
"I'll make you sorry – damn it I'll make you sorry – you said you'd keep your mouth shut –"
"Well, I didn't. Big deal –"
Hiroshi punched him – the blow leapt out of the blackness and sent blood oozing down Tenchi's chin.
"You listen," Hiroshi snapped as Tenchi swallowed blood and tried to stay upright. "You can't tell anyone about any of this and you know it. You're as guilty as me, you always have been. You hurt Kai just as much as I did."
"And the other thing? I'm not so damn stupid…" Tenchi felt his swollen lip catch on the words. "You're not gonna give me that old little-boys-ask-for-it-cos-they're-so-damn-hot excuse, are you?"
"There's no need for an excuse, it was just something that happened –"
"You were sixteen, that's old enough to be prosecuted for rape and you went on doing it till you were twenty, which is definitely old enough –"
"And you think Mum will give a damn who did what to whom?" Hiroshi hissed, grabbing his brother's wrists and yanking Tenchi towards him. "All she'll think is 'oh my goodness my two sons are perverts'. Won't matter who's getting jailed for it. In fact, she'll hate you more than she'll hate me, because everyone knows you're not gay if you give it, only if you take it –"
"That's bullshit –"
"Yes, you would know, wouldn't you? Being as how you've been a whore for the last five years. I don't think that'll go down well either. She might even start to revise her opinion of wonderful innocent little Tenchi – might decide if he went off to be a prostitute, maybe he wasn't so great in the first place – maybe he corrupted his older brother –"
"She won't cut you any slack, she's smart, she's figured out you were always sick even when you were little, that's why she couldn't give a damn about you, and even if it does all come out I'll be the corrupted innocent and you'll be the disgusting freak and that's the way it's going to be."
Hiroshi punched him hard in the stomach, and he yelped, and as his brother let go of him, fell onto the bed and breathed in the smells of sweat and skin and tried not to throw up.
His hand was grabbed, and Hiroshi roughly uncurled the fingers, and shoved dry papery flatness into the sweaty palm.
"Huh?"
"Ten thousand. That's your price, isn't it?"
"No way – no way –"
"I'm giving you money – so you have to do it –"
"I won't –"
"Okay, don't. Call the doorman. Call everyone. Get me thrown out. Tell them why you won't screw some random customer. Tell them everything, that's what you want, isn't it?"
Tell them everything?
All the sordid details – make a good story – and think what they'll say – wow, we always thought Tenchi was so with it, so together – who'd have guessed he was such a disturbed kid? Or maybe even that guy would fuck anything, he's just jerking us around, he's never had a problem with sex, he can't have been abused like that, and if he was, well, he likes it now so where's the difference?
Telling Kai would be all right because Kai was even more pathetic himself (not to mention it was sickening seeing Kai worship Hiroshi).
Telling everyone…
"Or," Hiroshi said, leaning closer – could he see these thoughts wriggling in the dark? – "I'll make a deal. I'll take back my cash, and you don't have to do anything. Anything at all. Do you understand? You can just stay here and wait for the next customer. You don't have to do anything out of the ordinary."
Tenchi licked at the blood on his lips, and stared at the ground.
"After all," Hiroshi
said, and he sounded so damn reasonable, so
calm, "after all, if you're going to tell, let's give you something to tell
about."
Tenchi squinted up through the
dark. "You won't ever – ever give me any
money again?"
"I won't even ever see you again. I'll go home and I'll find some other place to, uh, meet people."
"Kai?"
"He won't tell. He's not got a leg to stand on anyway. I'll leave, you can get back to normal, everything will be all right."
You could say yes and wait till he's gone and then call the cops –
And they'd believe you, would they? No proof. No nothing.
He could get me any time, he could always have got me –
He reached up and handed Hiroshi back the money.
Sell-out.
"Thank you," Hiroshi said, and his face was calm like nothing had happened. "And don't worry about Kai. You don't need to worry about him any more."
He sat and watched as his brother walked out of the room. A brief slice of light and then the door shut again.
Don't worry about Kai.
Just stay here and see how hurt he'll always look and watch him carve more scars down his arms and know you could have let him be happy – ah, come on, no one's ever happy these days – but he could have been a lot happier than he is now.
One last night. Tenchi jumped to his feet, and hurried across to the chest of drawers at the end of his bed.
Not many clothes. Not much stuff at all. He could pack and be out of here by tomorrow. Lots of other places could give him employment – and this establishment was tacky and cheap anyway – he was trembling so much it hurt, and keep swallowing, come on, you're not gonna throw up, nothing happened, he hardly touched you, get out of here, get out of here now…
No problem at all.
***
Tetsuo was remembering the dreams he'd had. The one about swallowing Kaori whole with a body that had turned crazy. The one about her dying to save him and bleeding to death in a dusty concrete corridor. The images pulsed behind his eyes as the rain grew heavier.
The ground was damp and slippery.
Kaneda would not have skidded so badly, because Kaneda's bike had better grip, and its rider was more confident.
The rain wrinkled the surface of Tetsuo's goggles, and he squinted through them, trying to see the way.
A soaked stray cat leapt down from the wall and dashed across the road, glowing in the headlamps, and yowled, and Tetsuo swerved, and the tyres of his bike stumbled uselessly across puddle road.
(Afterwards, Kaneda always wondered if he'd done it on purpose. Despair at being thrown out of the gang. But he didn't like to consider that too much.)
There was no crash barrier at the docks.
The bike sailed over the edge.
Tetsuo had never been given swimming lessons, but it wouldn't have mattered if he had because the bike went in head first, and the impact slapped him across the head and knocked him unconscious, and he sank.
Kaori had been taken swimming a few times when she was small, in Neo-Tokyo's cheap stuffy municipal pool, but this was different. The water was biting cold, and smelt of mouldy plants and shit and scum.
But suddenly Tetsuo wasn't in her arms any more. Half-treading water, she squinted through the rain, called him, but there was no reply.
He must have sunk already.
She could swim to the side – climb out onto the damp concrete – call an ambulance – call someone –
But by then Tetsuo might already have drowned. It was dark, and her limbs ached already, and she was starting to sneeze, but he might already have drowned –
This might have been the point at which Mari and the others wouldn't have laughed at her for being frightened. But she didn't feel frightened, she felt suddenly confident. Tetsuo was in trouble, and she had to save him.
She took a deep breath, and dived under the water.
Blurry blackness.
Maybe she saw him at the bottom of the river and tried to swim up to the surface with him and he was too heavy. Maybe she never found him and kept looking for the rest of her life. Either way, she didn't surface.
***
And then?
Only two people knew exactly what happened next, because Tenchi was no longer listening to the sounds on the other side of the wall, and Yamagata was screeching down the highway in a foul temper, and Kaneda was lying in bed trying to motivate himself to wake up, and Kaori and Tetsuo were drowning, and Mari was lighting a cigarette for Tanaka in the Harukiya, and the rest of the city didn't know a thing about it and didn't care anyway.
And of the two people left, one of them wasn't going to tell, and the other wouldn't be able to.
Kai had returned to his bed; he sat with his sheet-covered knees drawn up to his chest. It was raining, and shiny drops of water cried down the window. And the headlights and streetlights glittered on the light bulb and the walls and the rain and Kai watched the shimmering of them without noticing.
All of you…all of you who I trusted…
Tenchi was kind. Lifting the scalpel away from your wrists. Putting an arm round you. Letting you talk. And he never meant it – he was just playing with me so he could – so he could – he wanted Yama, that was all. I wasn't anything. You touched my fingers and you knew, all the time, you knew, you'd made him hate me – you said something to him –
Didn't you?
Maybe Tenchi hadn't. Maybe the truth was that Yamagata just hated you now anyway.
Always swooned over the strength in Yamagata's body, whether it was being used to pulp a Clown or fuck your brains out…
But not when he's holding me down and –
It was like – it was like – someone seeing summat private, making you do it front of them – like what?
Yamagata's seen me do most things by now – except that –
Man, you've sunk so low. Seen me without my skin on. Real low and now he knows it and no wonder he was mad. Because when you get down to the bone I really am a freak. And you think a dumb shirt could stop that? Who wants to fuck a freak? Well, some people pay for the pleasure. Yamagata thought he was screwing someone normal. No, he didn't, he didn't think about you at all. Never liked you, never wanted you and that's the way it is. So why can't you let go of all those sappy thoughts and accept it? I dunno. You think I got all the answers?
They all said it was a cry for help and really you wanted to be caught, really you wanted everyone to know.
Bullshit.
And he slapped me and why's that so bad? I taken worse than that at school – I took worse than that at home –
Because he couldn't even be bothered to hit you properly – it was like get out of my way while I make you do things – like he knew that would stop you – too weak to need anything else –
You could cut your wrists – be outta here for real – no one would care, would they?
I care. I don't want to die. Do I? I don't know.
Because Yamagata hated you now, and Tenchi had never liked you, and Shimura?
He'd done something. He'd looked guilty enough.
Was it just he was scared he'd be turned in to the cops?
You didn't want Shimura to be scared, running rat-like, because that made him stupid and weak and pathetic and then how could you want him to look after you?
Look after you, oh yes, fuck you over and over again only you have to let him because if he doesn't want you no one does. Only that's stupid, isn't it, because everyone wants you, everyone pays you and you're happy that way.
I don't mind it. It's all right.
Why do you feel like shit now then, huh? Maybe cos you been screwed over for real by those two. Go on, think about it. Think about how you sunk so low you'll go down on one guy while another fucks you and you didn't even get paid properly. Cheap whore. Freak. No wonder Yama left.
Someone come and make it all stop. Just make it stop. I don't care how.
No. You'll do anything to make it stop. Maybe you'll get lucky and someone'll want to fuck you again, maybe they'll make you kiss their feet and call them master, that'll be fun, huh, cos you're so pathetic you'll be real good at it.
Make it stop. Make it stop.
***
The door opened, and Shimura crept into the room. Kai immediately glanced away, down at his knees, and felt Shimura walk across to him, sit down – the bed sunk and creaked – and then put an arm round his shoulders.
Even through their clothes his skin burnt, and he shook Shimura off him; suddenly anger had its teeth in his chest and he couldn't tear it away.
Shimura gently took hold of his hand, uncurled the fingers, and Kai felt the money soft and crumpled in his palm.
Please not again – please – you know that's what you're here for, get some guts – "So you're not broke yet?" he whispered. "Ain't you getting sick of the sight of me?" He hurt – felt bruised and sticky and tired and just one more fuck would kill him –
"You don't have to do anything you don't want to." Shimura leaned closer to him and don't you dare snuggle and act like a baby – "I just want to make you feel better."
Go on, tell him. Tell him all you've been thinking.
Get those snarled-up thoughts out of my head and wave them under his nose? Everyone thinks I'm a freak as it is, thanks, I don't need them being sure of it.
So you'll just shut up and let him screw you?
That kicked him into saying something. But it was only little bits of thought that he'd snapped off from the main ideas, whatever they were.
"You – you betrayed me – you went behind my back – you made Yama hate me – you and your brother –"
"What exactly have I done?"
And Shimura sounded so calm. He couldn't have done anything. Not guilty, not guilty, whereas you know you've screwed up everything you ever set your mind to –
"You…you said…" The words stumbled and tripped and there weren't enough of them any more. "You and Tenchi, you…" Nothing but you.
"I've done nothing that you don't know about."
Yeah, well, that was true, wasn't it? Now he knew about everything…you made Yamagata hate me…but – but Yamagata had held him down and torn off his shirt and hit him and not listened to him crying stop – and that was Yamagata on his own – so Yamagata was just as bad – but he was my friend – I thought he at least liked me – so it had to be Shimura's fault –
"You –"
Shimura kissed him, and crushed the next lot of words. Oh well. So you don't get to speak after all. And he was laid down on the bed, and Shimura rested against him, and stroked his face, and kissed him again, tenderly, like he really cared –
I wish you'd stop thinking such dumb shit –
Kai kissed back, trying to tell himself it was all okay, but he couldn't close his eyes properly because tears were starting to slide from them and everything blurred into the dark –
And Shimura kissed the tears away, and held him, and whispered, "Ssh, it's all right…I'll make it all better…I'll make it all stop…don't worry, Kai, please don't worry…"
"You won't make it all better…" Kai said between kisses. "You – you made it all worse…"
"That's not true."
"You did something! He hates me now and he didn't used to!"
"Maybe you were just growing apart."
"He hates me and he made me show him the scars!" Kai yelled into the dark. "He was my friend!"
"People change –"
"Shut up –"
"You know I'm telling the truth," Shimura said, and pushed him down onto the bed again. "You just have to accept it. He couldn't give you anything anyway."
"I liked him – I liked him and I wanted him to like me –"
"He was cruel to you."
"So what?" Kai pushed him off now. "He thought I was a freak…he'll never come back…"
And as he said that line it hit him – never see Yamagata again –
"You don't need him," Shimura said, grabbing Kai's arms.
"Yes I do!"
Shimura tensed, his hands painful.
"What are you, jealous?" Kai said, hearing his voice turn mean. "You can't care enough about me, can you?"
"I care deeply about you," Shimura said, and he sounded like he meant it. Kai swallowed – yeah, I can trust him –
But he couldn't! Why had Shimura had to ruin it all?
"I don't believe you," he said. Part of him wished he could just stop talking, let it go and sink into the bed and the darkness, but – touch me, hurt me – he would be crying and acting stupid, better to make like he had at least once been tough. "You did something –"
"We can talk about it later." Shimura made to kiss him again, but Kai twisted his head away, and said, his heart heavy and suffocating under his ribs, "All right. Go away, then."
"What?"
"I said go away. Have your stupid money back. I bet you're not signed in to visit me. I don't want to be with you, I want to be with someone who doesn't know anything about all this shit, go away, leave me alone –"
There was a long, long silence, and Kai felt Shimura breathing; in, out, slow, angry breaths, and then –
"You're confused," Shimura said, starting to kiss him again. "You don't know what you want."
His hands on Kai's shoulders, heavy on top of him, smell of clean clothes and smoke and rain; Kai heard himself cry out and Shimura kissed him and that was hardly a kiss, it was a punch, eating the sound –
"He doesn't love you," Shimura whispered as he kissed Kai's throat and unbuttoned his shirt. "He never has."
"I don't care –"
"He doesn't want you – Kai, give up on him – you've been carrying a torch for him for months and it's not worth it –"
"Stop telling me what to do!" Kai yelled. "I could leave this any time I wanted to! I could go find Yama and talk to him on my own! I don't have to let you touch me and listen to what you say! I can handle myself!"
"No you can't!"
"Shut up! Shut up!"
"Listen to me!"
"I don't have to fucking listen to you! Just cos you damn well taught me maths – you're nothing! You're fucking nothing! Yamagata was my friend!"
Shimura punched him.
For a moment Kai lay there, completely dazed as if the floor had just opened underneath him – then old memories took over –
You don't take that shit – you fight –
As Shimura threw another punch Kai slammed his fist up into the guy's stomach. Shimura doubled over, and Kai hit him again – so easy – why didn't I realise – he's nothing – he's nothing –
Shimura slumped back, nose bleeding, and Kai shoved him backwards, sat up, leant forward to punch again –
Shimura caught him round the shoulders and threw him back against the headboard of the bed, and black, furious pain seeped through his skull. Coughing, blood and spit pooling in his mouth, he felt the guy's weight cover him again –
"Shut up! You shut up! How dare you?"
– hands on his shoulders, shaking him, clutching his throat –
"I always cared about you! You don't know what you're talking about!"
Clutching his throat – can't breathe – can't breathe –
Stop thinking, panic, and his mind skidded into the fear and his body took over, kicking, struggling, hands clutching, feeling for something to save him –
Can't breathe –
The softness of the blanket on his palm – the rough edge of the bedside table –
Can't…
Thin, smiling metal and somehow his aching fingers caught it and he stabbed up –
Can't –
The pressure stopped, and the air rushed back into his brain and chest and he gulped and gulped and dragged himself back into the real world.
And then he opened his eyes, and another spotlight showed him what he'd done.
Shimura had the scalpel embedded in his throat, one hand up to it as if to pull it out. Blood was running down that hand, glittery almost in the sudden light –
Lots of blood, lines of it, splitting Shimura's skin into sections, lines, angles –
"Shit…"
Shimura's eyes moved, and stared at him, pitying or resentful or just nothing, Kai couldn't tell, and then the body slumped forward onto the bed.
Kai pressed a hand to his mouth, not sure whether he was about to scream, cry, cheer or throw up.
"Hey…" he whispered. "Hey, you started it. You…you can't blame me…you started it…"
There was blood starting to soak the sheets. He pressed a palm into it, watched it run through the ridges of his skin.
"Oh, shit…"
He had to do something. He couldn't just sit here all night with someone bleeding to death on his lap.
He knew this to be a fact, but he couldn't even begin applying it to his own life.
Maybe none of it had happened. Maybe it was all a dream. That'd be nice…
Footsteps outside, and a knock on the door.
Tenchi never knocked. If it was a client – oh hell –
"Kai?"
He swallowed, wrinkling his nose at the hot blood-smell in the air.
"Yeah?" he said at last. The word left his throat okay, but he was trembling suddenly.
"You okay? I heard a lot of noise."
It was Akina, the girl who had the room the other side of his.
"I'm fine," he said. "Didn't disturb you, did I?"
She snorted. "Guy didn't notice. He's gone now and I thought I'd better check up on you. Case someone was getting nasty."
"Thanks," Kai said. Little scrap words, whisked away in the air like ash. They sounded completely unconnected to him. But. I'm. Fine. No. Big. Deal.
"I better get back then. See you later."
Bye.
Footsteps again.
Do something. Tell someone. Go downstairs and tell someone. Report it, be acquitted for acting in self-defence, walk out, get your bike back, ride again, find yourself a life.
Can't.
He slumped forward, rested his head on Shimura's back. Under the shirt the body was lukewarm, and it didn't feel like human flesh, more like a flour sack or something. Even the human smells were being swallowed by the blood.
"You said you'd try not to hurt me," he whispered. "You said you were proud of me. You said you'd help me!"
Silence.
"Damn it! Wake up, why don't you? Tell me that shit again! Maybe this time I can fucking believe it!"
He was crying, and the sobs jarred the bruises on his throat.
"So what if you're not here any more? No one else wants me either –"
He caught his breath as he heard his wails echoing in the room. And there was silence, and the rooms on either side of him sounded empty as well.
Tenchi and Akina would hear. Tenchi would probably not come. Tenchi hates you. But Akina, she'd come in and –
Yeah. The door opened, and she flicked the light on, and said, "Holy shit, Kai, what's with you? You got that sap going down on you for a change?"
Then she noticed the blood.
"He –" Kai didn't look at her. "He was trying to –"
She walked over to him; she smelt of perfume and nothing else. Gently she eased him up and away from the body. There was blood all over his shirt now – lucky it was black – couldn't see it – only feel it, soggy and warm on his chest.
"Okay…" she whispered. "Let's not panic."
She was looking slightly green.
"I'll…go get someone."
"I don't know what I did…" Kai said, biting his lip to stop more tears coming. "I mean, I mean he…he just…I didn't choose to do it…you know, I didn't…plan it…"
"You shouldn't be sitting in here. I'll take you downstairs, tell someone what happened."
"I didn't mean to!" He was crying now, he could feel it, but the blood was drying on his palms and if he rubbed at the tears it would cover him. "He said he'd look after me, and…"
"Come on."
She walked him out of the room, and flicked off the light behind her.
The corridor was empty and dark. Kai was glad of that; walking along with blood on his hands and tears in his eyes you didn't need people staring at you – like they did at school –
School – the thick smell of old floors and boiled carrots and eHeblood and worthless scum and being held, kisses in a shady classroom –
What have I done –
He swallowed, and Akina elbowed him, and said, "Don't freak out on me, okay? It'll be all right, stuff usually is."
He shrugged, and let her lead him down the stairs, past the front door and back into the darkness where the real, daylight world lived – the tiny kitchen, one tap dripping and the teaspoons glinting in the streetlights – and next to that, the office of Isas, the man who owned this place.
***
"You better wait out here," Akina was saying now; they'd reached the door, the air was cold and a red sign from a nearby bar was flickering on and off, heartbeat, blood dripping – Kai shivered, and nodded, and leant against the wall. Bubbles of paint and thick smears of cobweb. Silence this far back; all the moans and whispers left behind upstairs. Was this any better?
***
The flat didn't want him there, it hated him, he was a stupid little boy and mum would be cross with him. Somehow he'd done something wrong and she'd gone away and left him. He wrapped himself in his duvet and tried to sleep, but even bed didn't feel the same. The sheets were cold and the flat was too quiet and he knew if he slept he'd never wake up.
***
Akina and Isas whispering behind the closed door. On and on. Kai wanted to eavesdrop, but maybe you didn't want to hear it all spelt out in simple terms – maybe it was easier to pretend this was all just a twist in your brain –
He'd probably killed people before, yeah? Like, Clowns fell off their bikes and broke their necks on the tarmac. Gas tanks exploded and burnt down the houses of innocents. Windows smashed and the shards chopped people's throats up. But that was different. Clowns would kill you if you didn't fight back, and Neo-Tokyo always killed innocents. You couldn't help that.
This was different, because it felt like he'd burnt up the sky or something. A big, crazy explosive mess he hadn't meant to cause.
He was trying to kill you.
It was different.
***
The office door had opened now. Isas was saying something, but Kai couldn't put it together – those scraps of words were flying away again. What was going to happen to Shimura anyway? Were they going to bury him alive in the garden or what?
Isas wanted him to leave.
Risk. Too much of it. Yeah, well…Kai shrugged, and nodded, and began to walk back towards the stairs.
***
Tenchi was in Kai's room, sitting, one hand on the body's shoulder. His eyes were very dark.
"I betrayed you," he said as Kai stared at him. "It doesn't matter that he's dead."
"I didn't mean to. I swear I didn't, he – I –"
"I can't stay here. He'd be here as well, he'd drag me down."
"I'm not staying either."
"Guess this is it, then…" Tenchi smiled. "Nice knowing you. Sort of."
Kai was glad he said that; up until then he'd been feeling that this was the sort of conversation you had in dreams, when neither of you listened to a word the other said.
"Where'll you go?" he asked.
"Someplace else. I don't know. He's gone, now. That makes it all different – I guess – but we'll see. Oh, and Kai? Keep the shirt. You might need it."
The moment he said that Kai wanted to tear off the shirt and burn it. But he shrugged, and said, "Thanks," again, and Tenchi smiled, and, like Kai had done, leant forward and rested his head on Shimura's back. But this didn't look like it was to be comforted or hide from the world or whyever Kai had done it – it was more like he was making absolutely sure there was no breathing.
***
Outside in the night now, and it was cooler, the damp hovering slightly like the smell of rotten eggs.
Where could he go?
They'd have given his room to someone else by now. Change the locks to keep the murderer out. No – that wasn't even funny.
Where the hell could he go?
His mind was presenting him with an answer he didn't really want.
I'm not going to go crawl to him.
I won't.
Then where will you go? Sleep on a doorstep somewhere?
And funny that – you thought you had all these principles and shit about not giving in, not looking like a wimp, but when it meant sleeping in the cold and dirt with nothing between you and the assorted tramps, perverts, psychos and wild dogs Neo-Tokyo had to offer – nuh-uh. Sell yourself out for a warm bed even if all the springs were busted.
He began to walk, wishing he had his bike. That way he could maybe stop thinking about the last half-hour for a bit.
I can't go and talk to him.
He'd either start crying, or say stuff he didn't mean, or lose his temper and cut Yamagata's throat as well – no, shit, that's not true or funny either, why can't you stop saying this stuff?
"I've just been fired," he murmured, and this time he did laugh, a choking laugh that hurt his throat. "They don't like it when you kill clients…"
Yamagata would ask questions. Like who and why and then the whole story would come out and Yamagata would laugh –
No, you forget, he thinks you're a freak anyway. You told him to get out, you told him you never wanted to see him again. Another principle that didn't exactly last long, right?
If he could only sleep, maybe tomorrow when he woke up, it would be a lovely summer's day and shit like that, and this would have been a dream, this whole horrible night –
And he wouldn't be able to fall asleep if he was out on the streets, right?
He swallowed. His mouth tasted of acid, and his heart was crunching his chest again.
He didn't want to see Yamagata ever again – okay, that's a lie – he didn't want to see Yamagata now. Maybe in a few years' time, when they were older and smarter and all this had been forgotten.
You could go ask someone else for help.
Kaneda. Tetsuo. Any of his other friends. Why Yamagata?
Because admit it, deep down you want to go and kiss and make up…or even just kiss…
That was just plain stupid.
The thought of Kaneda reminded him of something else; it was late now, what if Kaneda was round at Yamagata's, and he, Kai, turned up saying hi, remember when you screwed me at that whorehouse…
Kai allowed himself a small smirk at that scenario, but he knew he didn't want it to happen any more than they did. There would be even more questions. Questions of blood and scars and why are you looking so scared?
No. It would have to be Yamagata because no one else knew enough. Any of his other friends would want explanations.
And you're too scared to give them, right?
Yeah. So what?
He didn't need to let Yamagata push him around any more. There wasn't any money involved now, yeah? So they were just friends again (like hell)…okay, just a pair of juvenile delinquent bikers and nothing else, completely equal.
He nodded, and kept walking.
***
Several metres of pavement, a whispered argument with a sleepy dorm overseer, and a lot of bluffing later, Kai was hurrying down the dark, stuffy corridor towards Yamagata's room. The air was greasy with old sweat and the smell of feet, and the graffiti-covered walls shimmered like oil in the streetlamps outside.
Scared now?
I always was.
He reached the door, and –
It don't fucking matter what you want –
Kai squinted angrily till the streetlamps blurred and he stopped wanting to cry, kill or scream.
I don't care. I don't care.
And he knocked on the door, louder and louder, I'll make him hear, I'll make him listen…
If he was in, of course. Kai snickered. It would be just right to have built it all up into this big drama-thing and Yamagata wasn't even home.
If he wasn't, he could sleep in front of the door.
Or even open it up and go inside.
He knocked again, his hands aching against the chipped paint, and still silence.
He could wait.
He could –
He could wait for Yamagata who'd proved himself no friend?
He didn't have to.
Maybe he didn't need Yamagata anyway – that thought was nothing, just childish bravado because he did need him – but maybe he didn't want the guy to know that right at this moment.
No. He'd go do something else and come back later. There was school tomorrow. Yamagata would have to come back to his room sometime.
Or maybe you're too scared to wait for him.
Maybe. But whatever. It was dark, and quiet, and there were other things to do tonight.
Kai shrugged, and turned and walked away.
***
Back in the yard of his own dormitory, he eased the dust sheet off the bits of his bike, and stood staring down at them.
Yamagata had said they could overhaul it together.
That had been ages ago now.
Oh, and you need Yamagata to help you do everything these days? You know just as much about bikes as he does.
He still he had his dorm key and he knew where he could get light and tools.
And it would be so great to have something to distract him, something to stop the thoughts crawling over his eyes.
***
And in the hot night he worked and the oil covered his fingers and the torchlight danced and skidded round the small yard and bounced off its concrete walls and he sat rebuilding the bike in the middle of Neo-Tokyo. And once he looked up and saw the night sky, dark and stained with orange from the millions of lights.
And when he was done it was late, and he yawned, and the city was still awake around him and it still wouldn't shut up.
He stood up – his legs ached because he'd been kneeling for so long – and climbed onto the bike.
It's been weeks. What if you've forgotten how to do this?
Yeah, right!
Okay, so what if you've put it together wrong and when you start it up the whole thing explodes and burns you to a crisp?
Better dying that way than getting choked to death by – by –
But he didn't want to complete that thought, so he started the engine, and it didn't explode, it roared, and the headlight ripped up the darkness, and he skidded round and charged out of the yard and down the road.
The thoughts stopped while the city tore past him.
No other bikers out tonight. Just millions of faceless people in cars – the true citizens of Neo-Tokyo – and you and your friends are just juvenile delinquent scum.
He still had nowhere to go and he still had no one who gave a damn about him, but he was breaking the speed limit and violating the traffic laws – and he didn't give a damn about anyone else either – yeah – that was a lie he could believe in –
***
Eventually he made his way back to Yamagata's dorm. His skin was stinging with the speed of the air, and the coolness had almost made him forget the scratchy bloodstains dotting his chest and hands –
Yamagata's bike wasn't in the yard (he was smart enough to check that this time). So he parked there himself, and waited.
As he waited, scraps of memory drifted across his mind. Yamagata sinking into the seat next to him in the children's home lunch hall – hey, I can sit here, right? And talking about nothing and spilling rice over the table like they were already friends.
Twelve years old, and taking a breath on his first cigarette, and coughing and choking and tears blinding him – and Yamagata cracking up as he watched – and then, later on, watching Tetsuo doing the same thing, and able to say smugly your first time, huh?
Kaneda, face and fingers speckled with oil, standing by a shining red bike – this is what I've been doing all weekend. Not bad, huh?
Tetsuo, slouching along, hands in pockets, rolling his eyes at something Kaneda had said, and Kai remembered thinking get over it, whatever it is –
A cluster of girls waiting for them on the corner, red and orange and green clothes like parrots, squinting as they smoked, and Tanaka letting out a low, thoughtful wolf-whistle – it began to rain, and they shrieked and covered their heads with their hands and ran ahead of the boys, but Kaori linked arms with Tetsuo and hunched her shoulders against the damp and kept walking with him –
Poking at your spots in front of the mirror – skidding round a corner on the bike and nearly overbalancing – eating cheap Chinese takeaway and licking sweet-and-sour sauce off your fingers – waking up at three a.m. and seeing the city still light outside the window –
And then that night when everything had gone wrong.
Kai yawned, and felt himself slipping into a black, cold doze. He was aching all over from sitting so still, and every so often a car roared past him and the headlights burned against the back of his eyes, and it was getting cold and the night air was damp. But he dozed nevertheless, and pictures of that night rippled and warped until they became part of the dream that was lurking just below his consciousness, just waiting for him to fall asleep completely –
Seeing the Clowns darting across the highway like flies, and a jump of excitement in his stomach at the prospect of a fight –
Sending the other rider smashing through the window of Maehara's restaurant – shrieks and shattering glass and the smell of fancy food heavy in the air but he didn't have to stay and listen to it – he was free –
Fall asleep completely…
If they only hadn't hit that yellow car – and he saw them skimming past it, down to the highway to join the battle –
Down to the old city and the echoing tunnel where the petrol-smell was thick and the air left grimy fingerprints on your face – past dead signs and splintered wooden barriers – down to a different present – a different future – the city was blotted out by a white bubble –
Kaori was crying, and he didn't know why.
Kai opened his eyes as he heard the roar of a bike.
And Yamagata skidded into the parking lot, and jumped off his bike, and then froze as he saw Kai waiting for him.
And now what?
Kai swallowed, and stood up, and the last traces of the sparkling excitement caused by the ride faded away, and everything went dark.
"I need your help," he said.
(R+r, r+r, r+r…^_^)
