Chapter Fourteen – Blood Sugar Sex Magic

A/N: Last chapter, guys and gals; hope you like!  As before, if you hate this ending, well, tough, because trying to end the fic nearly killed me! ^_^  Kai, Yamagata, Kaneda, Tetsuo and Kaori are © Katsuhiro Otomo, Shimura is mine, all mine.  Please r+r!)

***

Kai yawned and opened his eyes.  Yamagata's room was sinking into shadowy darkness, but there was a bloody smear of sunset outside the window, so he lay still and watched it.

            The air was still and hot and smelt of dust.

            The words had come to him in the end, in that dark yard, even as his mind screamed at him not to say them.

            Look.  I got nowhere else to go. 

            (Probably.)    

            I quit.

            (I was fired for slitting someone's throat.)

            I've got no home, I've got no money, I've got no job.  I'm stuck.  I was an idiot and a moron and a jerk

            (And you weren't?)

            and I did everything wrong

            (And so did you)

             and I said a lot of stuff to you that wasn't even true

            (It was all true when I said it)          

            and I yelled at you and I'm sorry

            (Fuck that)     

            but please, please help me.

            (Please?)

            Yamagata had taken it well, though.  No oh, and here I figured you never wanted to see me again.  No not fucking likely, I don't want a sick weirdo in my room.  No only if you let me kiss you, even. 

            He'd acted like he wasn't that surprised, like he'd always known they'd be friends again. 

            (We're friends again?)

            And walked Kai upstairs and let him in to wash the blood off

            (Had he noticed the blood?  Did he think it was from more self-harm?)

            and sleep on the floor.

            The first night.

            Kai rolled onto his back, and stared at the ceiling.  The light bulb was covered in dust, and the sunset was painting it pinky-red.

            They'd kissed again now.  And stuff.

            Not lots of stuff.  He wasn't that stupid.

            Kaneda had found out about…pretty much everything.  Probably Yamagata letting something vital slip and then having to explain the whole story.  Kaneda had not been pleased, apparently.  Yamagata got to stay in the Capsules.  Kai didn't (although he hadn't been part of them for ages anyway, but…)  Kai had been told if he ever set a foot near the gang or their turf again he'd have horrible things done to him and they'd set his bike on fire. 

            So he stayed here most of the time.  He wasn't going back into school (who needed it?  Besides, there were memories, and there might be questions, and, and…look, it was just easier not to) and even though he had his bike back he wasn't allowed to ride when his friends did, and there was nothing else to do.

            He'd still got whore sleeping patterns though.  Doze all day and wake at night; so he usually rode on his own when it was dark – really dark, like four or five o'clock in the morning, when even the Capsules had dragged themselves home, and there was no one else but him.

            No one else.

            But he had to keep riding.  If he didn't he really would go crazy. 

            (And he'd proved he didn't need anyone to help him do it, and that was important, somehow.)

            And the only other thing to do here was raid the fridge.  The dorm authorities didn't seem to have noticed Yamagata had another guy living in his room, but Kai didn't want to tip them off by actually making himself obvious.

            Anyway, if he slept in the day and Yamagata at night, it meant he could sleep in a proper bed without having to share it with anyone, which was definitely good.

            Footsteps.  Kai sat up a little, and listened to them approach the door, and then smiled as Yamagata walked in.

            "You awake and all?"

            "Uh-huh."  Kai pushed his fringe out of his eyes as Yamagata sat down next to him.

            "The guys are gonna be out tonight, so you stay here.  I don't want to have to bash your head in."

            Kai shrugged.

            "Everything else is pretty normal, though, I guess.  School's boring as hell."

            Yamagata tilted Kai's face towards his, kissed him on the lips. 

            And it's different now, Kai told himself.  It's just two people kissing.  No money and so it's all right.

            He did like it, honest (his body did, certainly).  It just…confused him.

            "I better go," Yamagata said at last.  "Mustn't be late, you know?  See you."

            "Yeah."

            Kai watched him walk out of the door, listened to the footsteps on the stairs, then as those faded, pulled the sheet more firmly over him and tried to sleep again.

***

By eleven p.m. he'd given that up.  The night was shiny black, and he could hear music and giggling and the rush of cars; and every so often a spotlight swept past the room and dazzled him. 

            This was a night for riding.  Not for lying still watching light.

            Or waiting for someone who might never come back.

            The spotlights had swept through the flat as well…and he'd pressed his face to the window, hoping somehow one would see him and realise he was on his own…but then he heard people laughing outside the flat and he was frightened, and crawled under the bedclothes and hid…

            Idiot.  No need to think about that old stuff.

            He pulled the sheet over his head now, and closed his eyes.  He didn't doze off that way, but he managed to fall into a light trance where thoughts chased each other across his mind like dust, and slowly the sounds faded into a dull ringing in his ears, and there was nothing to see but darkness.

            I won't think about anything – I won't –

            You're dead and gone now and I don't even need to remember you –

            You are, right?

            Footsteps. 

            Kai opened his eyes, wriggled out from under the bedclothes; Yamagata had flicked the light on, and now he sat down next to him, and they kissed again, Yamagata saying between kisses, "That was amazing…great night…the Clowns won't know what hit 'em.  And…"  Kiss.  "I sent a Clown flying through like a whole row of cars, how damn cool's that?"

            "Not bad."

            "Hey, I know you think I'm great really."  Yamagata kicked off his boots, and clambered more firmly onto the bed.  "Why else are you here, huh?"

            "I don't know."  Kai put his arms round Yamagata's neck, and curled up next to him.  "Maybe cos I had nowhere else to go?"

            "And you think I'm great."

            "Possibly."

            Sure.

            "Pity you can't come with us," Yamagata said.  "Tetsuo's gone too, dunno where."

            "What do you mean, gone?  Left the gang?"

            "He and Kaori fucked off somewhere.  Guess they ran away or something.  Kaneda was kind of pissed but then he remembered he was sick of Tetsuo anyway."

            But Kai didn't want to talk about Kaneda.  Yamagata smelt of night air, and oil and smoke, and Kai ate up the scents as he kissed their owner's skin.  Old life, good life, real life, man he missed being part of a gang. 

            Yamagata kissed him again, and fumbled with the buttons of his shirt.    Oh, and that's a flashback all right…

            "Hey…hey, calm down."  Kai realised his voice sounded stupidly loud suddenly; the voice of someone who was out of place and didn't know it.  "It's not exactly warm in here."

            Yamagata shrugged, and stopped kissing him for a few moments.  They sat in the darkness together for a bit, but Kai could feel Yamagata's skin brushing his every time one of them moved and…screw it…he kissed Yamagata, and that started it off again.

            You could do more, you know.

            Shut up.

            Wouldn't be so hard.

            Shut up.

            What, you're scared?

            No!  I just, I just, it's weird.  And we done it a lot anyway, it's not important, is it?

            He seems to think it is.

            That was true – Yamagata was definitely after something more tonight, and it probably wasn't a good listener.

            You could go for it.  Might even be fun.

            No. 

            He knew exactly what it was like now, and it was boring, and just because his skin was aching to be touched and his mouth was dry and his heart was pounding against his ribs like an engine revving did not mean he'd enjoy anything that followed on from this.

            His shirt was half-undone now, and Yamagata was kissing his chest, not seeming to care about the scars any more (now that was really something they didn't talk about, they just pretended nothing had ever happened).

            "Yama…"

            Yamagata didn't answer.

            And suddenly Kai was frightened, and he didn't even know why – but he sat up, and said, "Okay, fine, whatever, I better get something to eat now, okay?"

            "You're not telling me you ain't interested," Yamagata murmured, clutching Kai's arm and pulling him back down again.

            "I – no, I'm not, look…"  The fear was making him feel ill, and yet his body was wailing why did we have to stop?  And of course, Yamagata frowning at him now, thinking the same thing, so many people can't be wrong, you know –

            "I can feel it," Yamagata said, wriggling closer.  "I ain't that stupid."

            "Just cos you can kiss me don't mean we got to do anything else!"

            "We did it before, didn't we?"

            "Fine, go get your damn wallet," Kai said. 

            "Oh, for fuck's sake, I didn't mean that and you damn well know it.  C'mon, Kai…"  Yamagata gazed up at him, trying to look beseeching, "it's a nice evening and what's wrong with having a little fun?"

            "Fun for you."

            He hadn't meant to say that.

            Yamagata glowered at him.  "Like I said, you want it too."

            "No, I don't.  I gotta go –"

            "Yeah, yeah, I get it, you have something important to do," Yamagata said sarcastically.  "Like maybe go jerk off in the bathroom cos you're so damn frustrated only you won't admit it –"

            "Yeah, well, maybe, so you go to sleep and then when you wake up everything will be okay.  Okay?"

            "Whatever."  Yamagata turned away from him, and muttered, "Prickteaser."

            Kai froze. 

            "What did you say?" he said.

            Yamagata was silent for a moment, then he said, "You heard."

            "I am not leading you on, okay?"

            "Oh, really?"  Yamagata turned back to face him.  "So you call it normal, huh?  Being all 'ooh yes, this is goooood only no, I can't possibly do anything actually fun cos it might break my pathetic little heart so I'll just make him think we might actually do it and then stop cos I've got bored'?"

            "It – it's not like that!"

            "Well, what the hell is it like?  Like I said, I know you were enjoying that!  So why'd we have to stop?  Why'd you suddenly have to decide you're owed an emotional crisis?"

            "Well, why'd the hell we have to do what you want all the time?"

            "Hey, I am letting you stay here!"

            "Oh.  Oh, I get it."  Kai clenched his fists.  "I'm sorry, I didn't realise I was gonna have to fuck you to pay the rent.  Thanks for letting me know, otherwise I might have actually, y'know, thought that you were just being, oh, a friend."

            "I was – I am – I'm just sayin', you can't just be all like 'oh kiss me' and then figure I'll wanna stop!  You know?  It's just stupid!"           

            "Oh, yeah?  Well, you can't be all 'let's fuck' and make like you're the only person who has to choose!"

            They glared at each other through the shadows.

            "This is pathetic," Yamagata said at last.  "Come on.  Cool down.  We'll just…sit."

            "Like hell."

            "What?"

            "I'm not doing anything with you tonight, okay?  Whatever I do you'll feel like you gotta end up screwing me cos then you'll have won –"

            "No I won't –"

            "And I notice it's never me screwing you, is it?  Never asked me if maybe I might have preferred that once.  Did you ever ask Kaneda?  Or was it cos he had the guts to say something?"

            "Now you're just trying to complain about everything."  Yamagata leapt to his feet.  "Fine.  Whatever.  I won't touch you, I won't even look at you.  Don't want to hurt your whole born-again virgin style thing.  I'm going out.  You get some sleep, all right?"

            "I've been sleeping all day –"

            "Well, fuck that.  I don't bloody care," Yamagata said, and walked out of the door.

            Kai stood there, hands curled into fists, still scowling, but slowly, slowly, the anger slid out of him, leaving behind –

            Too many bad feelings. 

            Way too many.

            He sat down heavily on the bed, trembling.

            Gonna be a crybaby?  Gonna whine like a little kid?  Gonna act pathetic in the hope Yama-kun will hear you and be sorry?

            No fucking way.

            He stood up again, crept over to where his jacket was hanging on the back of the door, fumbled in it for the battered kitchen knife he'd stolen from downstairs.

            The theft had been more from habit than anything else.  He'd thought he'd stopped doing this.  Sleeping and riding a lot and not doing much else killed most of your feelings.

            But no.

            I don't want to do it I'm scared I'm scared – no – no – stay cool – come on –

            He started to cut, trampling the blade over the old scars, half-frightened in case this didn't work.  This knife hadn't been built for such injuries, and he had to chop at his skin to draw any blood at all, but somehow he managed it; he placed blood-kisses over the invisible ones Yamagata had left on his chest, painted them down his arms where the guy hadn't touched. 

            The door opened.

            "Kai, look, this is dumb –"

            Everything stopped.

            Kai stared up at Yamagata, and wondered if there was any way he could explain this as being a perfectly normal thing to do.

            "Kai!"

            "What?"

            "You said you weren't doing that any more," Yamagata yelled.  "How can you be so stupid, you said you'd stopped, damn it, look at it, you're bleeding all over –"

            "None of your business."

            "Stop it!"

            Yamagata rushed towards him, and Kai panicked, and hit out – the hand holding the knife –

            It nearly went right into Yamagata's throat. 

            And darkness and choking and his eyes watching me and blood –

            He saw himself stab up from lying on the bed and he saw himself stab forward now and no I don't want this to happen –

            And Yamagata dodged, and slammed into Kai and knocked him off his feet and onto the floor.

            And Kai fell back into his own mind and lay there, eyes shut, heart bashing at his ribs like a brick through glass, oh shit – oh shit I nearly – I –

            "You…fucking…idiot…" Yamagata gasped, kneeling on top of Kai, holding his wrists.  "You stupid fucking dumbass moron…you could have killed me…"

            I know I know –

            But he didn't answer.  Because Yamagata didn't know anything about the other death, and Kai wasn't going to tell him anything – he opened his eyes now, and told himself this wasn't important.

            "Give it," Yamagata said.

            "Huh?"

            "Give me the damn blade, Kai, now."

            "It's mine."

            "You just tried to slice my damn throat open!  Give it!"

            Kai shook his head.  Won't cry – won't think – it's mine – I need it –

            You hurt me and you deserve everything you get –

            He really was going nuts.

            Yamagata clutched both of Kai's wrists in one hand, and twisted the hand holding the knife until Kai cried out, and had to drop it.  Yamagata swept it up, and flung it as far away from them both as it would go.

            Kai could feel the tears now, sliding down his face.  He gritted his teeth, trying to stop his mouth crumpling.  Baby.  Wimp.

            "Look," Yamagata said wearily, "you can't just do that to people."

            "Clowns try it on all the time, right?  Try and ice you.  And you ain't exactly a saint –"

            "I'm not sharing a damn room with them.  I don't trust them.  I kick people's asses when they deserve it."

            "I didn't want to kill you.  I just panicked."

            "And if I hadn't moved quick enough?  Then you'd be sorry, wouldn't you?  Look, Kai, I don't wanna get dead!"

            Kai shrugged, and let his expression grow harsh, and gazed at the ceiling, which was covered in darkness now, pockets of light in the corners where the searchlights fell.  He felt Yamagata's stare pad over his face and onto the cuts on his chest and arms, and the air was cool on his skin, and…

            (Suddenly he thought he wants to fuck me so bad, he could do it now, he's bigger and stronger and I'm trapped…)

            "Get up."

            Kai blinked as Yamagata climbed off him and let go of his wrists.

            "I…"

            "Do you want to go get clean or anything?  How much are you gonna bleed?"

            Kai shrugged.

            "Okay.  Stay here, then."

            Yamagata stepped away from him, sat down on the bed, and watched as Kai stood up, brushed the dust from his shirt, rebuttoned it, smearing the blood.

            "Do you – you want me to get out?" Kai said at last.

            "And where'd you go?"

            "I dunno.  But you said, about sharing a room…"

            "I know exactly where you'd go," Yamagata said.  "You'd go back out on the streets and get guys to pay you for all sorts of gross shit, and if you do that I'll feel all bad."

            "I might not."

            Yamagata gave him a who-are-you-kidding look.  "I don't get you sometimes, you know?  I thought, you know, I thought we were like kind of the same.  Both in the children's home together, both guys, both into bikes…"

            "Both not into girls…"

            "Well, yeah…both Capsules, well, sorta, both know how to have fun, both always getting damn teachers on our asses…"

            Kai saw the double meaning, and quickly glanced away from Yamagata, at his feet, and tried not to blush. 

            "So what's your point?" he said.

            "My point is…well…I thought I could, you know, figure how you think.  And then – then we got back from reform school and nothing's made any damn sense."

            "What part of it exactly you having problems with?" Kai said, trying to keep a sarky tone out of his voice.

            Yamagata shrugged.

            "If someone tried to touch me up and I didn't want 'em to, I'd smash their face in," he said.  "And don't give me that stuff about how you're too short, you can fight dirty when you want to."

            "Maybe…maybe it's that I…"

            Kai swallowed, because he didn't want to say the next few words.

            "What?"

            "Maybe it's because I didn't not want them to."

            Yamagata frowned while he worked through the negatives of the sentence, then said, "Well, yeah, okay, but…why'd you have to start screwing other people as well?"

            "I don't know."

            "You got to know."

            "Well, I don't.  It just happened."

            "Seems like a lot of things 'just happened'."

            "You don't know nothing about it anyway."
            "That's cos you won't tell me!  I just don't get it, you know?  I mean, I suppose the money's good, but what if some guy with a face like roadkill came along and wanted to screw you…I mean, I'd just tell him to –"

            "Shut up."  Kai snorted.  "It happens.  You get used to it.  No big deal."

            Yamagata actually looked worried at that statement.  But then he touched the cut on Kai's arm, and said, "And as for that stuff…"

            Kai froze.

            "Forget it," he said.

            "I just want to –"

            "Not talking about it.  Not listening to you."

            "What are you, six?  Kai –"

            "And I hardly do it any more anyway, it's no big deal."

            Yamagata looked like he was going to yell something, then he just sighed, and said "Whatever.  Fine.  You wanna slice yourself up, fine.  I don't care."

            "Good."  Kai felt his throat harden like the skin was drying up.

            For a moment they sat in silence.

            "You never told me nothing," Yamagata said at last.
            "Why the hell'd I need to?"

            "I'm your friend, ain't I?"

            "Sure you are."

            Kai froze as the sour words left his mouth.  Damn – he hadn't meant to say them – or at least hadn't meant to make them so convincing –

            "Yamagata?" he said.  "Look…I –"

            Yamagata turned to glare at him, and reached out, and shoved him hard so that he fell backwards onto the bed.

            "I'm your friend when you want it," Yamagata said, face black in the darkness.  "I'm your friend when you want someone to hug you and screw you cos you're bored.  I'm your friend when you've been picked up by the cops and you need my bike to get home, yeah?  But you never damn well tell me a fucking thing because I'm too dumb to notice, is that what you think?"

            He thinks he can sit there and act like he was the one who got screwed around? 

            "You're not my friend," Kai yelled, wishing he could sit up properly, wishing his feet weren't tangled in the sheets, wishing his shirt was buttoned and his skin wasn't still dribbling blood.  "You haven't been my friend since you made me show you those scars and you damn well know it, you bastard!"

            And there it was – out in the open, smirking and writhing in the air – why did I say that?  Why? 

            "Get the fuck over it!" Yamagata snapped, but he didn't meet Kai's eyes.  "You're still fucking making the scars, aren't you?  So it can't be too much of a big deal!"
            "You don't know what it's like!"

            "Stop being so damn pathetic all the time!"

            Kai felt like he'd been shoved through a window – as the world shattered around him he heard himself screaming – I hate you – I hate you –

            Yamagata grabbed his shoulders and shook him, and hissed, "Shut the hell up unless you want to get kicked out of here –"

            "By you or the overseer?"

            "I don't know why the hell I don't kick you out –"

            "Because you're horny and Kaneda hates you, that might be it, because I'm the only person stupid enough to let you touch me –"

            "No, you're the only person stupid enough to let everyone touch you, remember?" Yamagata yelled back.

            Kai leapt to his feet.  "All right.  I get it.  I'm out of here."

            Yamagata didn't answer.  He was scowling down at his feet.

            Kai started to rebutton his shirt, trying not to think about what he was doing – you can't go out there – what the hell will you do –

            "And what are you going to do, huh?" Yamagata said, making him jump as he echoed his thoughts.

            Kai thought about bluffing it, but before he could formulate a good lie he'd said, "I don't know."

            "You can't just leave," Yamagata said, quieter now.  "There's nowhere for you to go.  You'll end up –"

            "I don't care.  Maybe I won't, you know –"

            "Oh yeah, what else can you do?  No friends, no home, no family, no school…Kai…"  Yamagata grabbed his arm and pulled him back onto the bed.  "Forget it, okay?"

            He swallowed.

            "We both said some dumb shit.  But you can't go walking out now."

            Yes I can. 

            Yes…

            Can't I?

            Kai froze, and felt Yamagata's fingers warm and strong on his wrist. 

            You said you hate him.  You can't stay now –

            But I don't hate him.

            You do.

            I don't.

            He sat down, slowly, suddenly aching with tiredness, and they stared at each other, and Yamagata sighed.

            "I didn't want to hurt you," Kai whispered.  "I just panicked."

            That's pretty much it.  I guess.

            "I guess.  I know."  Yamagata shrugged.

            "Yeah?"

            "Everyone freaks out once in a while," Yamagata said at last.  "Heh, you know me, I'm always freaking out at people, remember?  I don't mean it."
            Slid nearer, wrapped an arm round his shoulders.

            "And it's, like, dark.  You'd get mugged or something."

            And kissed him.

            Kai decided he might as well kiss back.

***

            Hands pulling off his shirt.  Shimura had done it gently, calmly, like he was unwrapping some treasure he knew he already owned.  Yamagata fumbled, and threads snapped, and he cursed a few times.

            Lying tangled in grubby sheets with streetlights burning outside; or standing in the classroom with the door locked and the sunlight pulsing against the blinds…

            Don't be frightened.  You know I won't hurt you.

            "Kai, c'mon, just chill out already…"

            His mouth on yours, too strong, choking, but you've chosen this, so it must be all right…right?

            And no one's ever gonna come find you and no one's ever gonna find out.

            This isn't like the others.  Well, I haven't paid you, right?  I just want to make you happy.

            "You don't need to act all weird…you're not a whore, now, remember?…"

            And both times you shrugged and nodded and said Yeah, sorry. 

            And then they smiled and agreed with you, and –

            And please oh please leave me alone –   

            And they gripped your shoulders and made you kneel or pulled you closer to them on the untidy bed –

            And this is good, remember?  I don't want to be on my own.

            And because both of them have seen you at your most pathetic you know you don't have any dignity to lose with them so you clutch their hands and they know you're scared and they're pleased because it makes them feel all big and strong –

            And then they just screw you like it's no big deal, and it hurts, it hurts like the scalpel crying blood down your skin so it's good hurt and you double over and grit your teeth and –

            Ssh…it's…it's all right…

            "Kai don't freak out, this is good…"

            And then it's over.

            Feels like things haven't changed at all, doesn't it?

***

Kai lay awake afterwards, listening to Yamagata snoring next to him, and watched the city lights laugh at him as they danced across the ceiling.

            I'd rather have it dark.  Darkness would hide bleeding cuts and tearful eyes.             

            This is what I wanted.  Yamagata asleep in his arms and outside the city safe and still standing and everything okay.  What future could be better than this?  Freedom.  Freedom from everything.

            Except you, Yama – and Yamagata murmured, and rolled over and lay against Kai, warm breath, warm body, and outside the city still glowed, eternal.

THE END