Sexerus

Okay, first off, I know the title for this fic is outrageous. At first it was a typo, but then I realized how hilarious it is. So okay, there's the mysterious tale behind that, lol. This fic is going to be cruel as ass to Severus, so if you can't afford to die from laughter, I highly suggest you don't read beyond this chapter (as this chapter is and will be the most serious out of the bunch)

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or the world in which he frolics.

~~~~~~~

"Don't, Severus. Don't you dare apologize to me." Hermione tried to force her tears back. She picked up her bag and turned to go.

She had come to his room that night to surprise him with her early return from her summer vacation. Now she knew why he never liked to be surprised; to him, it was being caught. Severus and Lavender Brown were canoodling like rabbits on the bed. Hermione, in her shock and rage, had fired a Blistering hex at Lavender which Severus had only partially healed before he stopped caring.

Severus lifted his hand to pull Hermione back, but he left it hanging in midair. The air was heavy in the darkened chamber where Severus still lay naked in his bed, desperately trying to find some way to mend the situation The problem was, Lavender couldn't stop making crying, whimpering noises under the sheets.

"Hermione." He let her name hang in the space between them, trying to convince her to turn around.

"No. I don't want to know. You just go ahead and keep fucking her, Severus, but don't you dare fuck around with me." With that, she left Severus' bedroom and slammed the door behind her.

Severus heaved a deep sigh, trying to clear his head. Hermione's scent still lingered in the air; it was already foreign to him.

"S-severus?" Lavender peaked up from beneath the covers, eyes still red from crying.

"What?" He snapped, annoyed at having to deal with her.

She turned her head, thinking of something to say, "…What'll happen now?"

He gave an annoyed grumble and replied harshly, "Just get out."

Severus was oddly satisfied at having made her cry with the statement, as if humiliating her would somehow stamp out his own humiliation. She was still crying as she got dressed, trying to hold in her hiccoughs. Lavender made sure to walk as slowly as possible, allowing Severus ample time to apologize for his rude behavior and beg for her to come back to bed. It didn't happen, though, and by the time she reached the dresser - which was, by the way, at least thirty feet from the door - Severus had gotten fed up and ended up throwing a coffee mug at Lavender, startling her into scampering out of the room while hiccoughing and holding in curses as she stubbed her toes on the door.

~~~~~~~

"Harry, I'm just so angry. I can't just leave him and let it go." Hermione was in tears at this point. She had called Harry on her muggle telephone immediately after the encounter in Severus' bedroom and told him all that had taken place. Harry was always able to help her through difficult times. "I have to get him back for this. I…I want him to suffer."

"I know, Hermione, and it's perfectly fine. How long have I been telling you he was a bastard?" Harry tried to comfort her, but she could feel his anger through his strained voice over the phone.

"What do you think I should do?" She whispered excitedly.

"Little girl," Harry started, "I would never leave you in this alone. He's going to wish for death when we're through with him."

And so several hours passed in which Hermione and Harry contemplated the eternal damnation of one Severus Snape.

One thing was for sure: Severus' life would be hell from this point on.

~~~~~~~

Ahhh, it was a short chapter, I know, but it's just the prologue. I guarantee every chapter after will be longer than this x.x Anyway, I'm going to continue depending on whether the story is well received. It's just going to be a light, funny little thing, so tell me, alright? Thanks!

Mucho love!

Tara