Sorry for the wait, and for this long transitional chapter. Bear with me,
I'm hoping to have much more fun once I add a certain King and his demonic
offspring to the mix. ;-)
Incidentally, according to the Mary Sue Litmus Test, Tulienne is one. Borderline, but still in there. She (and the other character I mentioned) both scored around 30.
I've had several comments on this story saying that my language is too modern and Haldir is OOC some (or much) of the time. I know both these criticisms are right. I am trying to pull things in a little, but it may well be beyond hope. This story is not canon and does not pretend otherwise, so try not to take it too seriously.
'Part 19'
Tulienne landed rather hard on her backside and uttered a very offensive description of her future husband.
"You are not concentrating," Haldir told her, as he pulled her back to her feet. "That should not have caught you out."
Tulienne groaned as she brushed dry earth off her clothes. "I must introduce you to Lord Glorfindel if we should ever visit Imladris," she said wryly. "I suspect you would find much in common."
They took up the fight again and not long after Tulienne was on the floor again.
"I begin to think that you design your training exercises as excuses to get me flat on my back."
Haldir's eyes glinted as he circled her, stalking with the grace of a feline. "Since when do I require an excuse?"
"Very soon if you keep this up," was the sharp retort, as Tulienne rose gracefully to her feet.
Haldir just smiled smugly. "Not when you obviously find me irresistible."
And then it was him on the floor.
"Don't count on that," Tulienne said. "Don't count on that at all. The fact that I choose to yield to temptation does not mean that I can't resist it."
"Those are easy words to say," he taunted.
Haldir found himself jerked to his feet and into a passionate kiss.
"Haven't you realised yet that I'm not all talk?" she whispered against his lips as air necessitated a parting.
"Aye," Haldir said, one long finger tracing the contours of her face. "That I have. And I thank it." Silence reigned then as the March Warden gifted his chosen with a kiss that would have brought lesser elleths to their knees.
A short time later, they were interrupted by a throat being cleared unnecessarily loudly and were forced to pay attention to two very similar faces sporting worrying grins.
"We have news," Orophin said, looking like he was trying not to laugh. A rather mangled missive was clenched in his fist.
"We have very important news," Rumil added, obviously no better off.
"We have very important and very bad news," Orophin said, eyes dancing with mirth.
"Has your new wife discovered your little collection, then?" Haldir asked, smirking at his youngest brother.
"What little collection?" Tulienne asked, as Rumil flushed rosy.
"It doesn't matter," Rumil said quickly. "Anyway, that pales in comparison."
"Read this," Orophin said, thrusting the parchment into Haldir's hands.
Haldir took it, smoothly out the creases as best he could, and read it. He went white, then green, then red. His shoulders began to shake and his grey eyes turned ominously black.
Tulienne grabbed the parchment from his hands when he looked up again and scanned it quickly. Her features iced over.
"No," Haldir said.
"No, what?" Orophin asked.
"No, I will not under any circumstances allow him or any of his relations to enter the golden wood," Haldir stated flatly, a muscle in his cheek starting to twitch slightly under the strain of maintaining his stony expression. "If I have to skewer him on my own sword to keep him out, then I will do so." His shook his head as a nasty grin conquered his face. "And Valar help me, I will enjoy it."
"Perhaps not the best metaphor to use in the circumstances," Rumil suggested helpfully, thoroughly enjoying his brother's discomfort.
"In fact it's probably exactly what he has in mind," Tulienne said grimly.
"Actually, I think he'd expect Haldir to be on the receiving end," Orophin said, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively.
A split-second and Haldir's sword tip was pressing into his throat.
"If you wish to be able to consummate your marriage, hold your tongue," Haldir growled. "I do not find your jests anymore amusing than his. And I will not allow him even into the same city as I."
"Haldir, this isn't an under-washed ranger we're talking about," Rumil protested. "This is the Prince of Mirkwood – accompanied by the King, no less. You can't refuse their passage just because you're somewhat less than fond of them."
"Somewhat less than fond?" Haldir repeated caustically. "A greater understatement is scarcely possible. My brother, I intend to cause him more pain than he can conceive of, to every accessible body part. He shall not leave this wood alive."
"That would certainly make a novel welcome speech," Orophin chuckled.
"Actually," Tulienne said suddenly, her eyes lighting up again. "I think this could be fun."
Three pairs of eyes stared at her in abject disbelief.
"Are you serious?"
"Are you drunk?"
"Are you mad?"
"Yes, no, possibly. In that order," Tulienne said. "But think about it. Four of us – six with my cousins – and one of him. As well as all this very motivational rage. There must be possibilities in that."
"She has a point," Orophin said thoughtfully. "Last time he had his brothers to help – and you know he's got them both wrapped around his finger. The odds have definitely slanted in our favour."
"But King Thranduil . . . isn't he a bit of a threat?" Rumil asked, frowning.
"I won't deny he could be difficult," Tulienne replied. "Must easier if we were in Rivendell – Lord Erestor could make him go down the waterfalls in a barrel if he had a mind to – but I think if the GHMC were to appeal to its highest ranking member, we might manage to keep him occupied."
All three brothers thought about this, came to the same conclusion and then rejected it for the sake of their sanity.
"Come on Haldir," Tulienne said, starting to grin wickedly. "Do you want to get mad, or do you want to get even?"
***
"And he said . . . ?" Salia prompted.
"What do you think?" Tulienne said cheerfully, reaching across Ceilwyn's dining table for another pastry. "I think they've gone to explain the quest to Lord Celeborn right now."
"I find it hard to believe he would agree to this."
Tulienne picked a berry out of her snack and popped it in her mouth. "I have it on good authority that the terrible twins didn't just get their appalling sense of humour from one side of their family."
"Here we go," Ceilwyn said, appearing from the kitchen bearing yet another plate of sweet things. "Tuck in."
"You shouldn't do this, Wyn," Tulienne said, doing as ordered.
"Do what?" Ceilwyn asked nervously, sitting down with them.
"The perfect wife routine. You're going to make us look bad."
"No, no," Salia disagreed. "Cook now, worry about that later. These are excellent." She smiled. "But speaking of perfect wives . . . is Rumil the perfect husband?"
Ceilwyn blushed. "So far things are . . . nice."
"Only nice?" Tulienne said, pretending to be concerned. "I'll have to ask Haldir to give him a few pointers. I'm sure he can do better than 'nice'."
"Don't tease, Tuli," Salia said reproachfully. "I'm sure that he was nice more than once."
Ceilwyn went even redder.
"Or maybe she's already lost count," Tulienne suggested. "After all, wardens need plenty of stamina."
"What happens between my husband and I is quite private," Ceilwyn said primly. "I have not asked you for any such details, and I'm sure Haldir would object if I had."
"Not necessarily, not if I what I said was complimentary," Tulienne replied. "But yes, I suppose I should start to behave and follow your impeccable example of a good wife, before Haldir comes to his senses and realises how much better he could do."
"Don't worry, Adar won't let him change his mind," Ceilwyn said comfortingly, patting Tulienne's hand.
Tulienne pulled a face. "Won't he? I know he seems to have resigned himself to us being wed, but that doesn't mean he wouldn't leap at the chance to split us up if it came."
"Not after he's finally succeeded in getting you two together."
Tulienne blinked several times. "Explain."
Ceilwyn looked coyly away. "I really shouldn't be telling you this."
"Not an option," Tulienne said sternly. "Talk."
Ceilwyn leaned forward, the others following her lead. "Adar's being trying to set you up with Haldir practically since you came to Lorien," she said, in a confidential tone.
Tulienne leant back in her chair again. "That is perfectly absurd. No one of sense could believe such a thing."
"Who introduced you to Rumil and so to Haldir?"
Tulienne frowned. "Uncle Thronin."
"Who turned a blind eye to you wandering around after dark and meeting up with them?" Salia said, catching on.
"Who let you get Rumil and I back together by teaming up with Elladan, thus making Haldir jealous?"
"Who created that whole situation in the first place?"
"Stop!" Tulienne exclaimed. "Is this for real? This whole thing has been a plot to get me and Haldir together? This is madness, I cannot believe it. What about when he dragged us off to Celeborn and asked if he could publicly flog Haldir for daring to touch me? That was just a little too convincing – what if he'd said yes?"
"Lord Celeborn would never agree to such a thing," Ceilwyn said, shocked.
"And as it happens," Salia said, daring a smile. "Adar and he are quite good friends."
"Well, that's just fabulous," Tulienne said, fuming. "All of Lorien has devoted themselves to my love life. Lord Celeborn himself has deigned to make sure I get wed. Would someone care to explain this? Will our bonding hail a new age? Must we fulfil a prophecy? Will our child save Arda or unite the elven realms?"
Salia and Ceilwyn exchanged glances. "I think they just thought it would be amusing to see Haldir fall in love," Salia said apologetically.
"And since they've already tried most of the elleths in Lorien – plus the princess of Mirkwood – they . . ."
"The princess too? Oh that's just wonderful! The whole of that family of orcish sirens. What next? Will I be fighting King Thranduil off Haldir as well?" Tulienne went white. "Oh Eru, no. Anyone but him. He's like a golden god – how can I compete with that?"
". . . they thought you might be the one for the job," Salia finished. "You didn't even get intimidated when he glowered at you the first time – and that's something a good few of his young wardens can't boast. And the princess of Mirkwood wasn't interested in him even a little bit. Which they finally determined when she tried to kiss Galadriel."
Tulienne stared, her pastry forgotten. "She kissed the Lady of the Light?" she asked in disbelief. "How did she have the nerve? Even I wouldn't try to do that." She frowned. "That is, assuming I wanted to in the first palce."
"That visit was fun," Salia said wistfully. "Even though Adar forced us to stay away and hear it all later. The whole family came. Lord Celeborn and Lady Galadriel held a feast to celebrate them leaving."
"Don't they usually?"
"No, *them leaving*," Salia stressed. "It didn't start until they'd left the Golden Wood."
"Haldir escorted them personally," Ceilwyn agreed. "Rumil says he had his bow ready to shoot them if they tried to come back."
"And yet they are," Tulienne pointed out.
"Apparently the Lord and Lady agreed with Thranduil to make another attempt. So long as he didn't bring all his children at once."
"Why?"
"No one likes to ask," Rumil said, as he came through the door. "But it's rumoured that Lord Celeborn is very fond of Mirkwood's home brew." He took the fourth seat at the table, kissed his wife and helped himself to a pastry. "So, what have I missed?"
"You wife and sister have just been explaining about a little plot to get Haldir and I together."
Rumil paused. "You know about that?"
"Aye, and apparently so do you."
Rumil shrugged. "My father in law briefed me on it," he said. "It's only a shame he didn't tell us earlier. We could have fixed it sooner if we'd been working together."
Tulienne looked at him impassively. "Is everyone in Lorien this bored, or is it only you? You must sorely lack entertainment if this is the best use you can find for your time."
Rumil grinned. "You have it wrong, cousin," he said, winking at her. "Things such as this are precisely the reason why Lorien is never dull."
Incidentally, according to the Mary Sue Litmus Test, Tulienne is one. Borderline, but still in there. She (and the other character I mentioned) both scored around 30.
I've had several comments on this story saying that my language is too modern and Haldir is OOC some (or much) of the time. I know both these criticisms are right. I am trying to pull things in a little, but it may well be beyond hope. This story is not canon and does not pretend otherwise, so try not to take it too seriously.
'Part 19'
Tulienne landed rather hard on her backside and uttered a very offensive description of her future husband.
"You are not concentrating," Haldir told her, as he pulled her back to her feet. "That should not have caught you out."
Tulienne groaned as she brushed dry earth off her clothes. "I must introduce you to Lord Glorfindel if we should ever visit Imladris," she said wryly. "I suspect you would find much in common."
They took up the fight again and not long after Tulienne was on the floor again.
"I begin to think that you design your training exercises as excuses to get me flat on my back."
Haldir's eyes glinted as he circled her, stalking with the grace of a feline. "Since when do I require an excuse?"
"Very soon if you keep this up," was the sharp retort, as Tulienne rose gracefully to her feet.
Haldir just smiled smugly. "Not when you obviously find me irresistible."
And then it was him on the floor.
"Don't count on that," Tulienne said. "Don't count on that at all. The fact that I choose to yield to temptation does not mean that I can't resist it."
"Those are easy words to say," he taunted.
Haldir found himself jerked to his feet and into a passionate kiss.
"Haven't you realised yet that I'm not all talk?" she whispered against his lips as air necessitated a parting.
"Aye," Haldir said, one long finger tracing the contours of her face. "That I have. And I thank it." Silence reigned then as the March Warden gifted his chosen with a kiss that would have brought lesser elleths to their knees.
A short time later, they were interrupted by a throat being cleared unnecessarily loudly and were forced to pay attention to two very similar faces sporting worrying grins.
"We have news," Orophin said, looking like he was trying not to laugh. A rather mangled missive was clenched in his fist.
"We have very important news," Rumil added, obviously no better off.
"We have very important and very bad news," Orophin said, eyes dancing with mirth.
"Has your new wife discovered your little collection, then?" Haldir asked, smirking at his youngest brother.
"What little collection?" Tulienne asked, as Rumil flushed rosy.
"It doesn't matter," Rumil said quickly. "Anyway, that pales in comparison."
"Read this," Orophin said, thrusting the parchment into Haldir's hands.
Haldir took it, smoothly out the creases as best he could, and read it. He went white, then green, then red. His shoulders began to shake and his grey eyes turned ominously black.
Tulienne grabbed the parchment from his hands when he looked up again and scanned it quickly. Her features iced over.
"No," Haldir said.
"No, what?" Orophin asked.
"No, I will not under any circumstances allow him or any of his relations to enter the golden wood," Haldir stated flatly, a muscle in his cheek starting to twitch slightly under the strain of maintaining his stony expression. "If I have to skewer him on my own sword to keep him out, then I will do so." His shook his head as a nasty grin conquered his face. "And Valar help me, I will enjoy it."
"Perhaps not the best metaphor to use in the circumstances," Rumil suggested helpfully, thoroughly enjoying his brother's discomfort.
"In fact it's probably exactly what he has in mind," Tulienne said grimly.
"Actually, I think he'd expect Haldir to be on the receiving end," Orophin said, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively.
A split-second and Haldir's sword tip was pressing into his throat.
"If you wish to be able to consummate your marriage, hold your tongue," Haldir growled. "I do not find your jests anymore amusing than his. And I will not allow him even into the same city as I."
"Haldir, this isn't an under-washed ranger we're talking about," Rumil protested. "This is the Prince of Mirkwood – accompanied by the King, no less. You can't refuse their passage just because you're somewhat less than fond of them."
"Somewhat less than fond?" Haldir repeated caustically. "A greater understatement is scarcely possible. My brother, I intend to cause him more pain than he can conceive of, to every accessible body part. He shall not leave this wood alive."
"That would certainly make a novel welcome speech," Orophin chuckled.
"Actually," Tulienne said suddenly, her eyes lighting up again. "I think this could be fun."
Three pairs of eyes stared at her in abject disbelief.
"Are you serious?"
"Are you drunk?"
"Are you mad?"
"Yes, no, possibly. In that order," Tulienne said. "But think about it. Four of us – six with my cousins – and one of him. As well as all this very motivational rage. There must be possibilities in that."
"She has a point," Orophin said thoughtfully. "Last time he had his brothers to help – and you know he's got them both wrapped around his finger. The odds have definitely slanted in our favour."
"But King Thranduil . . . isn't he a bit of a threat?" Rumil asked, frowning.
"I won't deny he could be difficult," Tulienne replied. "Must easier if we were in Rivendell – Lord Erestor could make him go down the waterfalls in a barrel if he had a mind to – but I think if the GHMC were to appeal to its highest ranking member, we might manage to keep him occupied."
All three brothers thought about this, came to the same conclusion and then rejected it for the sake of their sanity.
"Come on Haldir," Tulienne said, starting to grin wickedly. "Do you want to get mad, or do you want to get even?"
***
"And he said . . . ?" Salia prompted.
"What do you think?" Tulienne said cheerfully, reaching across Ceilwyn's dining table for another pastry. "I think they've gone to explain the quest to Lord Celeborn right now."
"I find it hard to believe he would agree to this."
Tulienne picked a berry out of her snack and popped it in her mouth. "I have it on good authority that the terrible twins didn't just get their appalling sense of humour from one side of their family."
"Here we go," Ceilwyn said, appearing from the kitchen bearing yet another plate of sweet things. "Tuck in."
"You shouldn't do this, Wyn," Tulienne said, doing as ordered.
"Do what?" Ceilwyn asked nervously, sitting down with them.
"The perfect wife routine. You're going to make us look bad."
"No, no," Salia disagreed. "Cook now, worry about that later. These are excellent." She smiled. "But speaking of perfect wives . . . is Rumil the perfect husband?"
Ceilwyn blushed. "So far things are . . . nice."
"Only nice?" Tulienne said, pretending to be concerned. "I'll have to ask Haldir to give him a few pointers. I'm sure he can do better than 'nice'."
"Don't tease, Tuli," Salia said reproachfully. "I'm sure that he was nice more than once."
Ceilwyn went even redder.
"Or maybe she's already lost count," Tulienne suggested. "After all, wardens need plenty of stamina."
"What happens between my husband and I is quite private," Ceilwyn said primly. "I have not asked you for any such details, and I'm sure Haldir would object if I had."
"Not necessarily, not if I what I said was complimentary," Tulienne replied. "But yes, I suppose I should start to behave and follow your impeccable example of a good wife, before Haldir comes to his senses and realises how much better he could do."
"Don't worry, Adar won't let him change his mind," Ceilwyn said comfortingly, patting Tulienne's hand.
Tulienne pulled a face. "Won't he? I know he seems to have resigned himself to us being wed, but that doesn't mean he wouldn't leap at the chance to split us up if it came."
"Not after he's finally succeeded in getting you two together."
Tulienne blinked several times. "Explain."
Ceilwyn looked coyly away. "I really shouldn't be telling you this."
"Not an option," Tulienne said sternly. "Talk."
Ceilwyn leaned forward, the others following her lead. "Adar's being trying to set you up with Haldir practically since you came to Lorien," she said, in a confidential tone.
Tulienne leant back in her chair again. "That is perfectly absurd. No one of sense could believe such a thing."
"Who introduced you to Rumil and so to Haldir?"
Tulienne frowned. "Uncle Thronin."
"Who turned a blind eye to you wandering around after dark and meeting up with them?" Salia said, catching on.
"Who let you get Rumil and I back together by teaming up with Elladan, thus making Haldir jealous?"
"Who created that whole situation in the first place?"
"Stop!" Tulienne exclaimed. "Is this for real? This whole thing has been a plot to get me and Haldir together? This is madness, I cannot believe it. What about when he dragged us off to Celeborn and asked if he could publicly flog Haldir for daring to touch me? That was just a little too convincing – what if he'd said yes?"
"Lord Celeborn would never agree to such a thing," Ceilwyn said, shocked.
"And as it happens," Salia said, daring a smile. "Adar and he are quite good friends."
"Well, that's just fabulous," Tulienne said, fuming. "All of Lorien has devoted themselves to my love life. Lord Celeborn himself has deigned to make sure I get wed. Would someone care to explain this? Will our bonding hail a new age? Must we fulfil a prophecy? Will our child save Arda or unite the elven realms?"
Salia and Ceilwyn exchanged glances. "I think they just thought it would be amusing to see Haldir fall in love," Salia said apologetically.
"And since they've already tried most of the elleths in Lorien – plus the princess of Mirkwood – they . . ."
"The princess too? Oh that's just wonderful! The whole of that family of orcish sirens. What next? Will I be fighting King Thranduil off Haldir as well?" Tulienne went white. "Oh Eru, no. Anyone but him. He's like a golden god – how can I compete with that?"
". . . they thought you might be the one for the job," Salia finished. "You didn't even get intimidated when he glowered at you the first time – and that's something a good few of his young wardens can't boast. And the princess of Mirkwood wasn't interested in him even a little bit. Which they finally determined when she tried to kiss Galadriel."
Tulienne stared, her pastry forgotten. "She kissed the Lady of the Light?" she asked in disbelief. "How did she have the nerve? Even I wouldn't try to do that." She frowned. "That is, assuming I wanted to in the first palce."
"That visit was fun," Salia said wistfully. "Even though Adar forced us to stay away and hear it all later. The whole family came. Lord Celeborn and Lady Galadriel held a feast to celebrate them leaving."
"Don't they usually?"
"No, *them leaving*," Salia stressed. "It didn't start until they'd left the Golden Wood."
"Haldir escorted them personally," Ceilwyn agreed. "Rumil says he had his bow ready to shoot them if they tried to come back."
"And yet they are," Tulienne pointed out.
"Apparently the Lord and Lady agreed with Thranduil to make another attempt. So long as he didn't bring all his children at once."
"Why?"
"No one likes to ask," Rumil said, as he came through the door. "But it's rumoured that Lord Celeborn is very fond of Mirkwood's home brew." He took the fourth seat at the table, kissed his wife and helped himself to a pastry. "So, what have I missed?"
"You wife and sister have just been explaining about a little plot to get Haldir and I together."
Rumil paused. "You know about that?"
"Aye, and apparently so do you."
Rumil shrugged. "My father in law briefed me on it," he said. "It's only a shame he didn't tell us earlier. We could have fixed it sooner if we'd been working together."
Tulienne looked at him impassively. "Is everyone in Lorien this bored, or is it only you? You must sorely lack entertainment if this is the best use you can find for your time."
Rumil grinned. "You have it wrong, cousin," he said, winking at her. "Things such as this are precisely the reason why Lorien is never dull."
