Landslide

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Part 12
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The next day found Flik peering out from between the doors of the stable, to see if a couple certain individuals had left the courtyard for good. What would they have been doing out there anyway, dressed like that, if they weren't looking for-

"Decided to come out of your hole, huh?"

Flik jumped and almost knocked a saddle off the wall. Fortunately, it was a different voice than he'd expected - Viktor smirked at him from where he'd been leaning back against the wall, just outside the stable doors.

"You hid in just the exact spot that you wouldn't be in my line of view..." Flik muttered as he stepped out and closed the door hastily behind him, looking around the courtyard. "Which means you knew I was in there."

"I've been asking people all morning," Viktor confirmed with a nod, "and it's not like you're that good at moving without being seen." He chuckled. "You try too hard, really."

Flik sighed and started to walk across the courtyard towards the inn. "There aren't that many good places to hide here, unless you want to ask that very persistant serving girl who was talking to Rina about me earlier, about all the tunnels underneath the place. She said they were built during the war, but no one went down there anymore, so they were a good place to..." He coughed suddenly, and not from the cold.

Getting up to follow Flik, Viktor raised an eyebrow and made a note to himself to ask that serving girl later - sounded interesting. "So what, is that where you're headed now?"

Flik shook his head and stopped to allow Viktor to fall into step with him. "I haven't eaten anything all day. I'm hoping the kitchen is vacant and I can just grab some bread..."

Viktor stopped too, looking at him seriously. "What's up with you?" he asked.

"Nothing, really... just thinking," Flik said with a shrug. "Tired... maybe worn out from all this adventuring with no conclusion."

Viktor wasn't convinced, but nodded anyhow as they stepped inside the inn's side door. "Hey... why don't you go up to your room and kick back - I'll bring something up for you, okay?"

"Really? I'd appreciate that..." Giving Viktor a grateful but weary expression, Flik turned towards the stairs.

Viktor paused, then called after him. "Hey! ...And no running off and hiding again," he ordered his friend.

Flik looked over his shoulder with a tentative smile. "I won't..."

After giving him a playfully suspicious look, Viktor headed into the kitchen, looking for something a little more interesting than bread.

Flik headed upstairs, true to his word, and lit a fat candle on the desk before flopping down on his bed and closing his eyes. A bit later, Viktor's footsteps could be heard, heavy on the stairs as he balanced a tray full of leftovers from the feast - sliced meat, rolls, fresh cut vegetables, and fruit salad. "Heh, doesn't this look better than just plain old bread?" he asked as he entered, closing the door behind him.

Sitting up, Flik rubbed one eye and shook his head at Viktor. "I should have known you'd never go for just plain old bread..."

Viktor shrugged and sat down next to him. "It's not like you to take the easy way when you've got plenty of other options, either."

Flik blinked, momentarily wondering if Viktor was referring to more than just their food. "I was just too lazy to cook, and didn't want to bother anyone else to cook for me."

Stuffing a thin slice of turkey in his mouth, Viktor nodded. "All this stuff was just sitting in the icebox, though. Except the rolls, those were on the counter, but you know what I mean. And they all know we're with Gremio, so..."

"Yeah... I guess you're right..." Flik picked up a roll with a nod.

Viktor picked one up as well, and took up one of the knives he brought to slice it in half, piling ham and turkey onto the lower half. "Heh, it's a good thing I'm here," he commented, "or the leftovers might go bad before anyone gets a chance to eat them."

Flik chuckled and eyed the sandwich Viktor was making appreciatively. "Not with Bolgan around, too... and Tir can eat a lot when he wants to."

"So can you," Viktor said with a grin. "Still, I think Gremio might have gotten a little carried away." After a glance over at Flik, Viktor offered him the sandwich, which was more or less overflowing the roll. "Want this one, or are you just waiting for the knife?"

Flik smiled and reached for the sandwich. "I was afraid you'd sit there and eat it without offering me one."

Viktor pretended to scowl in annoyance as he started to make another. "I slave over a hot icebox all day, and this is the thanks I get?"

Leaning forward, Flik kissed Viktor's cheek before taking a bite of the sandwich. "Better?"

"Yeah, that works." Viktor grinned as he continued with his own sandwich.

Flik finished his sandwich in silence and picked up a piece of fruit, holding it absentmindedly without eating it. Leaning back on one hand, Viktor began eating his own rather sloppy sandwich with the other, eyeing Flik. "So do you want to tell me why you've been hiding from me, or what?"

"I've just been thinking." Flik shrugged and leaned against the pillows on the bed, his head resting against the wall. "I didn't mean to worry you."

"Don't think of it as worrying me, then," Viktor suggested, setting the tray aside for the moment, and scooting back closer to Flik. "Think of it as making me really curious."

Flik shook his head at Viktor. "It's stupid, and I know if I even start to talk about it, you'll act like it's no big deal and then go on and worry about it later when I'm not around to see."

Finishing his sandwich, Viktor brushed his fingers off on his pants and leaned down next to Flik. "Keep talking like that, and you will worry me."

Flik closed his eyes and shook his head again. "It's nothing important..." he insisted, "just stuff I thought I had dealt with coming back to... to haunt me. Don't worry about it."

"Nothing important, huh?" Viktor slipped an arm around Flik's waist, frowning. "That's not what your eyes tell me..."

"Oh...?" Flik leaned his head on Viktor's shoulder, quietly glad for the comfort. "Are they giving me away again?"

Viktor nodded, resting his own head against Flik's. "Not only the eyes, but the way you're sitting, the sound of your voice... everything about you says there's something weighing on you. And yeah, it's probably not any of my business or you'd be yelling at me over it already... but still, if there's something you want to talk about, anything I can help you with..."

At the suggestion, Flik clenched his fists in his lap. "I don't know if I want to let you help me," he admitted quietly. "This is something where I'm honestly afraid to get you involved at all. I'm afraid to even let you know I've been thinking about it. I'm sorry..."

Viktor sat back slightly, looking him over, and took one of Flik's hands in his own. "Hey, Lightning... it's okay." He chuckles slightly. "So I guess it's probably not just the prospect of Rina and that serving girl getting you in a threesome, at any rate."

Flik blinked, blushed, and finally laughed softly. "...I wish that were all that it was..." He gazed at Viktor as if he wanted to say more, but had no idea where to begin, so he said nothing more.

Viktor waited, then asked when it became obvious Flik wasn't going to continue. "Something about those letters?"

Flik flinched, but nodded. "I guess so... that's... a piece of it."

"Figured as much. I guess they've got something to do with the Warrior's Village stuff, right?"

Flik nodded again. "That's the only place I ever really get letters from, and never as often as they've come lately..."

"Yeah, and if they were from anyone we both knew, I figured you'd be sharing," Viktor observed with a smirk. "But since you're not..." He shrugged, looking at Flik seriously. "So should I just let it alone, or what? You know I'll give you a hand, if I can."

With a sigh, Flik looked away. "I know you would, but asking you to come along on something I already know you'd probably be morally against and which isn't really right..."

Viktor narrowed his eyes, surprised. "Huh?"

"But I could be wrong..." Flik mumbled, mostly to himself. "I could be totally wrong..."

Viktor lowered his head, thinking to himself. "...Well, even if that's the case, it's not like I want you to go off all by yourself." He ran a hand up Flik's arm in a gentle but awkward caress. "You... you don't have to be alone, you know?"

Flik still did not look back, but fixed his eyes on a point somewhere outside the window. "Viktor..." he began, "what do you think are the most important qualities a person can have? I think, whatever they are, those qualities are what motivate people to different things..."

Viktor hesitated again. "...Kind of a weird question... I mean, everyone's got important qualities, I think..."

"Is it a good quality to put duty and loyalty above one's own desires," Flik continued, as if he hadn't even heard Viktor's reply, "or even one's own self-preservation?"

Viktor looked at him quizzically, and then started laughing. "You're asking me if it's a good idea to put duty and loyalty over self-preservation?"

Remembering Viktor's pursuit of Neclord, the fall of Gregminster Palace, his rescue of Shu during the Dunan Unification War - Flik finally looked back at Viktor and started laughing. "Uh... point taken." He grew more serious again quickly. "Vik... I do want an answer to this next one. Does it ever bother you that I probably know more about your demons than you do about mine?"

"Not really," Viktor answered with a shrug. "I mean, the only reason you know anything about my past is because it happened to come up again while you were around..."

Flik gave him a pointed look. "And what if mine came up while you were around? Would you want your world turned upside down by something that has nothing to do with you?"

Viktor just laughed again. "Flik.... you sound like I have a world to be turned upside down." He smirked, looking Flik straight in the eye. "I don't have a home, or family, or any responsibilities... I've got nothing tying me to anywhere or anything." He shook his head, resting his hands on Flik's shoulders. "Except you."

Flik listened as Viktor said all of this, as none of it was really new, but it was still what he wasn't hoping to hear. Against his best efforts, he closed his eyes as two tears rolled down his cheeks. "I really wish I could say the same exact thing to you and mean it now the way I always meant it before, but..."

"Hey, hey..." Viktor reached up to touch Flik's cheek, brushing away a tear. "It's not like that's something I want to hear anyway," he mumbled softly. "I mean, you know how my life went - it's not like my unattachment's the result of a bunch of good stuff happening. It's just that... I don't have anything else left, right?"

Flik nodded and then buried his face in his hands, trying to stifle a sob. "You know that the only thing I, Flik, Lightning, the soul on the inside...wants...cares about...is you... but...but..."

Viktor pulled Flik into his arms, leaning back on the bed to hold him. "But... that's not normal, Flik," he reminded him. "Most people do have more in their lives. It's not like I'm going to get all pissed off because you've got something you want to do, or someone who needs you, or whatever... That is normal."

"I convinced myself, Viktor..." Flik murmured, clinging to him, "that the things I was doing with the war were far more important than anything going on back at the village. There wasn't anything I could have done then, anyways, the way things were... I don't want to do anything now...but I feel like I have to."

Viktor nodded, stroking down his back carefully. "You don't have to do anything you don't want to... you never do. But I know as well as anyone, sometimes there are things that..." He tried to think of how to phrase it, and couldn't think of a better way. "Uh... that you ... have to do. You know what I mean..."

Flik laughed through his tears. "I can see that you've realized exactly what I mean... things that you won't be able to live with yourself if you don't do, even though you don't want to do them, yes?

"Yeah, that's it," Viktor agreed, grinning and hugging him tightly. "Like going after Neclord... I knew all along it was a stupid idea, and would probably get me killed - again," he amended, "but... how could I let that thing go on existing?"

Flik hugged him back with an almost death-like grip... "Yes... and now things have changed, and I can do something to amend the mess that is my past... but I won't lie. I'm deathly afraid of doing so, and I think that's why my sister keeps writing me these pleading letters. I'm not the little boy I was when it all happened."

Viktor nodded thoughtfully. "I can't tell you what to do, Flik... but if you think you should do something, if your heart's telling you that you have to... you'd just be lying to yourself by not listening to it."

Flik sighed. "Do you remember those dreams I mentioned having...?"

"Of course..."

Flik paused, trying to think of how to phrase it. "A lot of them are about my childhood, a lot of places and people I've tried to wipe from my memory without success. I think it was our quest with Gremio and Tir for this rune that brought so much of it back to me..." Viktor nodded again, just listening.

"A lot of this has to do with the traditions and history of my village," Flik continued, "and I... when I allowed myself to finally think about what happened, how my father was killed, what tore the village apart before Tengaar's father became chief... it suddenly made so much more sense. And then Lila's latest letter confirmed... and I... I don't want to believe it, I don't."

Viktor squeezed him a little tighter, then settled back against the pillow, moving them apart just enough so that he could look at Flik while the two of them talked. "Hey... it'll be okay, whatever this is about, I'm sure..."

"I don't know about that... I think there's a True Rune in the village... and the fact that it's gone hidden and unclaimed for the last 20-odd years is starting to slow wreak havoc on the village... or maybe it always has, and I was too young to understand."

"A True..." Viktor narrowed his eyes. Suddenly it came together in his mind what Flik was saying, and he blinked. "Uh..."

Flik gazed at Viktor, unsure of his reaction. "Do you know what I'm saying, even if I have yet to explain the reasons or history behind it?"

Not exactly wanting to commit to an answer, Viktor shook his head. "Go on..."

Flik did so with a sigh.

Some time later, when Flik had finished his explanation, Viktor's mind hadn't changed a bit. "Life is change," he told Flik, touching his cheek. "No point in being afraid of it. And if you were serious before, when you said all you really wanted to be connected with was me, well, you don't have to worry about that. It doesn't matter where we go or what we do..."

Flik gazed at Viktor seriously. "You really mean that. Even with all the implications this could potentially have... because.... I'd understand if you wanted to walk away from it. This mess isn't yours, and I may end up with something I don't want."

Viktor nodded, still smiling. "Sure, I understand that. Not like you're the only person we know who's been stuck with something like this - and hey, we helped them out anyway, as well as we could, right?" His smile turned into more of a smirk as he mussed Flik's hair playfully. "So why would I walk away from you this time?"

Perhaps being more worried about this than he should be, Flik frowned slightly. "You don't love Gremio or Tir, and neither do I. Not like that... don't you remember when I asked you about your sword, and how I felt about that? Even now, not being sure about that worries me."

Viktor rubbed Flik's head a little harder, almost in a noogie. "Yeah, I don't love them - but that's the point. I still followed them, right? So why wouldn't I want to go with you and do what I can?"

Despite Flik's best arguments, Viktor remained steadfast. Flik tried to be grateful for that, for having a friend so supportive, but his fears remained.

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Down below in the streets, the sounds of merriment could be heard, as with the passing of the Harvest Feast, the girls from the surrounding village were free to begin decorating for the Yule season. This was something Tir had always enjoyed back in Gregminster, and he and Eilie had joined in the fun; currently, he was up a tree, trying to secure a long garland of leaves and berries and tinsel, and laughing as some of the girls chased each other, throwing snips of the tinsel at each other, where it clung to their hair.

Gremio watched from the doorway of the inn, smiling a bit to himself to see Tir acting so normally for a change. Having tied on the tinsel, Tir grinned at one of the girls as she cheered for him - no doubt it would have been much harder for them, as they could hardly climb trees in their long skirts.

Feeling much more confident after watching the cheerful activity, Gremio finally mustered up the courage to step outside, approaching the tree and the girls who had clustered around it. "E-excuse me... Is there anything I can help with...?"

Tir stopped dead in his tracks, where he was attempting to drape the garland over the branches in an aesthetic way, and just looked down at Gremio in absolute silence. The girls looked puzzled, until Eilie diplomatically suggested that they go get the wreaths they'd mentioned making earlier, and scurried off with them to do so, leaving Tir and Gremio alone. Tir continued to sit in the tree with the garland in his hands, looking down at Gremio.

"...Ah..." Gremio was somewhat taken aback. "Did I say something wrong? I'm very sorry if I did..."

Tir shrugged, saying nothing, and went back to arranging the garland over the tree's branches. Gremio glanced around, helplessly trying to figure out what Tir might be thinking. "...Anyway..." he began, "I didn't mean to interrupt your fun... but I just wanted to say that I believe we should be leaving again soon, and returning to our quest... unless you have any objections? It does seem like you're enjoying yourself here..."

Tir dropped the garland into place and then straddled the branch, slowly sliding off it until he was hanging several feet in the air by his hands. "I am."

"And I'm glad, Young Master," Gremio stated with a nod. "Should we then stay on for another week or so...?"

Letting go, Tir dropped the remaining distance to the ground, dusting the snow and bark off his pants. "I don't care what you do."

Gremio was definitely taken aback now, and stared at him in disbelief. "Y-young Master...? Are you... angry with me?"

Standing up straight, Tir crossed his arms over his chest, expressionless. "No... yes... I don't really know... and I don't really care," he finished, turning to leave the street in favor of the inn.

"I-is this about Rina...?" Gremio asked anxiously as he followed. "She hasn't told me a thing, you know..."

"No." Tir continued walking, heading straight up the stairs to their room, not sure he even wanted to try and explain. "I enjoyed talking with her, even if it did enlighten me to just how wrong you are about me."

Gremio winced. "If so, Tir... I'm terribly sorry... But I am glad that... that the two of you seem to have had a nice talk, at the least..." He paused, having no idea how to handle this. "...Would you care to elaborate, or should I just... g-go away...?

Opening the door to his room, Tir turned, regarding Gremio rather icily. "At the very least you made me realize some things about myself that I'm sure I should have realized a long time ago. But for someone who's known me most of my life, you certainly have a lack of understanding for both my motives and desires, as much as you tried to step in and apparently get them fulfilled."

Gremio was too stunned to react immediately as Tir began to close the door behind him, and just stood there staring helplessly at Tir. The look on Gremio's face nearly broke Tir, and he paused with the door halfway open, as if he wanted to say something else, but had no idea where to begin.

Gremio continued to stare at him, crushed, and finally managed to stammer out an apology. "I-I'm so terribly sorry, Y-young Master... W-what can I say? What can I do? I-I want to help, it's all I-I've ever wanted..."

It was obvious that he was serious, and Tir sighed heavily. "Perhaps this is my fault for simply thinking you'd understand without ever making any explanation..."

Gremio shook his head firmly. "If a-any fault is to be found, it lies with me, f-for making assumptions..."

He was always like that; it was both frustrating and comforting. Tir opened the door and gestured for him to come inside. "Perhaps I've made assumptions as well," he admitted. "And as much as part of wishes to shut the door in your face for...for... I don't know, I have the feeling I will never forgive myself if I do."

Stubbornly self-effacing as always, Gremio remained outside, looking miserable. "Forgive yourself, Young Master... but I do not deserve your forgiveness."

"Gremio..." Tir reached out a hand to touch his shoulder. "Please come inside. I would rather discuss this in privacy and not where other ears can hear."

Gremio flinched slightly at the touch, but nodded, lowering his eyes, as he followed Tir inside.

Tir paced around the rug in his room several times before saying anything else. "Before I say anything, I want to know exactly why you sent Rina to see me."

"I-I don't know..." Wringing his hand slightly, Gremio remained standing by the door. "Many reasons. I d-didn't want you to feel jealous of her... I didn't want you to feel lonely, I didn't want you to b-be... ah... frustrated... if you'll excuse me..."

Tir nodded slowly and sat down on the edge of his bed. "I was jealous of her, Gremio... but apparently not for the reasons you seem to think I was."

Gremio took a deep, shaky breath. "I'm s-so sorry, truly, truly sorry..."

"Stop apologizing," Tir sighed. "Look, if all I wanted was physical gratification, if the reason I wanted to be close to you was because of that... don't you think I could have gotten it from other less frustrating sources?"

"Of course, Young Master - I imagine you could have nearly anyone you wanted... b-but..." He took another deep breath, feeling foolish. "It seemed to me that... that you m-might not take that initiative... s-so long as you were..." He couldn't bring himself to say it openly, though Tir had admitted as much already.

Tir gazed at him steadily. "So long as I was what, Gremio?"

Keeping his eyes lowered, Gremio sighed heavily. "S-so long as... you were... ah... focusing your attentions... o-on me."

Tir nodded and went back to pacing the length of the room. He finally stopped in the center and turned to regard Gremio again. "Do you know why I was really jealous, Gremio?"

"I-I thought I did, Young Master..." Gremio continued staring miserably at the floor. "But I suppose I should stop even pretending that I have the slightest idea what you truly think."

Crossing the room to stand right in front of Gremio, Tir hesitated for a moment before he spoke again. "Gremio... have I not always been the most important thing to you?" he asked. "Please, answer me honestly, lest I make more assumptions myself."

Gremio could look him in the eye for this, and he did so. "Yes, Tir - always..." he told Tir earnestly, "since Master Teo first asked me to become your caretaker, and the reasons beyond simple duty became far more important than the duty itself..."

"Then you've just answered the question yourself," Tir told him, reaching out for his hand. "I love you, Gremio, and you matter to me more than anything and anyone else. You always have. It has nothing to do with...with... physical gratification, other than simply the need to be close to you." Tir paused and took a deep breath, trying not to get choked up. "I started acting differently when Rina came along because... because I was so afraid that someone else would become first in your heart. I thought if I could just prove to you that I loved you more than she ever could, then maybe she would never be able to steal you away from me. Selfish, true, that I wanted to remain the... the one you love most. But it's the truth."

Gremio took Tir's hand carefully, and rested his other hand upon Tir's shoulder. "...I told her from the start that you would come first for me, always. It was one reason she and I connected so well - she has those she must care for above all else, other than myself... and the same is true for me."

Tir nodded. "I know that. She and I talked at length... and more than realizing that she was perfectly willing to be my friend... and more, as well... I saw that... that depriving us of being close to people other than each other would only make eternity that much longer." He paused. "Gremio... you do understand why I wanted so much to never care about anyone but you, and for you to feel the same?"

Gremio nodded and laughed softly, nervously. "...I suppose I should have just given you the letter I wrote..."

"You wrote me a letter?"

Gremio sighed, looking away again in frustration. "But I thought, if I could just change things... then maybe it would not become necessary."

"Gremio..." Tir frowned. "What did you want to change so much? Would you be happier if I went and found myself someone to be my lover too? Would that put your mind at ease? I can't insist to you that my feelings towards you are entirely platonic, but it's also a line I would never cross without your permission. I don't really know exactly what my feelings are, because I've never let myself explore them, knowing you did not share them."

Gremio blushed faintly. "I-I thought it was just frustration, perhaps..." he murmured, "projected on the one person you let yourself open up for. If you could just... vent those feelings elsewhere..."

"Then what?" Tir broke in. "I'd return to being the sweet and innocent little boy you've always looked after?"

"No, not the sweet and innocent little boy... but the man that the sweet and innocent little boy grew up to be. ...But without any ... urges towards me."

With a sigh, Tir turned away, walking towards the window. "I can't promise you that... I can't promise you that anything would change the jumbled mess of my feelings for you. "I'm sorry."

Gremio nodded slowly. "I understand that... but..." He stopped, and sighed as well. "...I really should have just given you that letter."

"...Why?"

Tir continued to stare blankly out the window, and Gremio went to stand beside him. "It explained all of this, and without going to foolish measures to avoid the issue. Also without the... the difficulty of saying such things out loud," he added self-consciously.

"I don't know what to tell you at all, Gremio," Tir admitted, "except to say that my recent bizarre behavior was only, and I mean only, the result of my fear about Rina replacing me. I see now that that isn't true, but I have no way to amend the fact that you do now know how I feel, and you're uncomfortable. I never meant to tell you, really. As long as I had you to myself, I never saw any reason to."

After a moment's hesitation, Tir felt Gremio's arms slipping around him as they had so frequently done, testing the embrace both gingerly and cautiously. "It does not change my own feelings, Tir."

Tir turned to look at Gremio in surprise. "You... you're... okay with knowing? Knowing that I... that I'm confused, and...maybe always will be?"

Gremio nodded against his shoulder. "After all else we have been through, why would I turn away from you now? I..." He shook his head firmly, lost for words.

Tentatively, Tir put his own arms around Gremio, also not sure what to say, finally whispering in his ear and trying not to giggle. "By the way... I was incredibly touched that you didn't mind sharing with me."

Gremio flushed bright red, but chuckled nervously. "There is nothing I would keep back from you, Young Master... a-although there are some things that I would rather not think about."

Continuing to tease him, Tir smirked slightly. "Nothing at all?"

Gremio blinked, turning a little redder. "I-I believe so..." he murmured, slightly nervous.

"Oh, how you tempt me..." Laughing softly, Tir drew back from Gremio to give him a very peculiar look - and then reached out to tickle him.

Despite being slightly alarmed at first, Gremio couldn't help giggling. "Y-y-young M-master...! Ha ha... you're t-terrible...!"

Having incapacitated him and lightened the mood, Tir stopped and smiled, simply looking at Gremio without saying anything further. Suddenly he was unsure of what else there was to be said.

Once he'd caught his breath, Gremio simply smiled back. "Tir... if..." He paused, trying to decide how best to say what he needed to say.

Tir raised an eyebrow. "If...?" he prompted.

"...Where to begin when your thoughts go in circles around each other...?" Gremio lamented with a sigh. "I came here to ask you if you were ready to return to the quest we interrupted for this holiday. But my next move depends entirely on whether or not you wish to remain with me, whether for the moment or forever... or if you would like me to leave you, if my presence causes frustration..." He slipped a neatly folded piece of paper from his pocket. "This explains better, I believe." Sitting down on the bed, Gremio handed the piece of paper to Tir. "Keep in mind, Young Master, that this was written before we arrived here to find Rina and her family... the relevant parts are mostly at the end, and I see that we have already corrected a few mistakes on my part through this talk."

He motioned for Tir to sit down next to him, and Tir did so, looking over the paper. "...Forgive the sloppiness of this letter," Gremio added, slipping an arm around his shoulders, "I was... a bit distraught when I was writing it."

Tir just nodded, taking note of all the crossed out words and the shakiness of the handwriting as he began to read.

Dear Young M
Dear Tir
My dear Young Master,

I apologize for I'm afraid I don't know how to begin this letter write a letter such as this, particularly knowing how yours affected me ... was it only a week ago? A bit more?

I sat there in shock, reading and rereading your letter many times before Viktor finally managed to get through to me, and urged me to go after you if it was what I wanted. And I'm so glad I did, Young Master, because I don't know what might have happened had I not found you when I did. The Beast Rune prowls, as you know, even if not for the harm you'd inflicted upon yourself.

And as I ran through the woods, following you as quickly as I could manage, I did a lot of thinking. I told you much of it while you recovered, how I felt I'd failed in making you happy, how I'd only caused you more pain...

And you denied that, Young Master, for which I am grateful. But I see now, it was a lie. You might even have been lying to yourself, but I can't be certain.

You see, I've kept your letter. My first instinct was to tear it to pieces, to visibly destroy all the reasons you would leave me, but you had poured your heart out on that paper, and it is too precious a thing for me to do away with. I've read it over and over, and continued to think about one part of that letter that I've known about for some time, but have been too afraid to address. I know it will not be pleasant.

I know that you love me, Tir. And I love you, I swear it, I swear that you are the most precious living being in the world to me. I've told you that so many times in different ways, but I've never not in such a straightforward way. I do love you, Tir.

But Tir, there is a certain distance perspective between us. When I first met you, you were only a little boy. I was not much more than a boy myself, granted, but I had been in the army, and I was nearly ten years older. I loved you then as I love you now, purely and innocently, although the love has only grown deeper as I watched you grow into a man.

Though all the memories you have of me are of a (mostly) grown man, most of those I have of you are of a child. Not that I think of you as such any longer, after all we have been through in the past few years, but even so - I knew you for longer as a little boy than I have thus far known you as a man, and I considered you family. I could no more look upon you with lust than I could my own younger sister.

And that too is an issue. I have never been attracted to men, Tir. There was a time when someone thought that of me, but it was proved to be wrong when first I lay with a woman, if you'll excuse my crudeness. (I suppose since you are no longer a little boy, I have no need to be anything but frank with you on the subject.) That was when I was roughly your age, or rather, the age of your body.

You were 15 years old when you received the Soul Eater Rune, and so your body has remained in such a state - and Tir, that is a painfully frustrating age, I know. You have urges that are hard to ignore, and unfortunately I know that you can attach such urges onto anyone you feel close to - this includes myself. But just because I am the only person you currently feel you can open up to, it does not necessarily mean that I am the one you truly love in body as well as soul.

Because Tir - when it comes to the soul, there is no deeper love in the world than between you and I. But when it comes to the body, I fear I could never respond in the way you think you would want me to. And the body is such a small thing next to the soul! I hate to even make an issue out of it.

But it is there nonetheless, and I can't bear the thought of you going through more pain each time you look at me, or each time you think of me. I'm afraid that the best option, despite how much it hurts me to write this, and how much I know it will hurt you to read this, is for me to get out of your way, and go somewhere where my presence will not trouble you.

As I said, it is painful for me to suggest, and no doubt you can see the shakiness of my hands in the writing in this letter by now. I have no idea what I would do without you, Young Master, and the thought of it scares me. But I will survive - and in fact it might be easier if I depart now, while I am still young, and you can always remember me in such a way. If you never see me grow older, if we have no contact later in my life, you could always entertain the idea that I may still live, whether twenty or two hundred years have passed. And given the point at which we are in this quest of mine, it may well be so. I would pray that you always hold on to your hope, Young Master, for it will carry you through hard times.

Although you "ordered" me to do very much this same thing in your letter, I must ask you again, because I know you were upset at the time. I will not leave you unless that is what you want. If you can come to terms with the kind of love I can and can't give you, if it would not cause you pain, I will stay with you forever. If that is not your wish, then I will go and not look back.

You urged me to make a life for myself without you. But Tir, I believe you can do the same. And if you do opt to send me away, I swear that you will never be alone. Part of me still exists within that Rune on your right hand, and even if it is only a small part, I will never be entirely apart from you.

And continue to love people, Tir. Never close yourself off from such feelings, or immortality will be a curse indeed. Each person you will meet is special, and your eyes see more deeply than most; you have the ability to find what makes them special, and appreciate it. You may find that your feelings for me were only loneliness, once you find another who you can let yourself love fully, and who will return all of the feelings you have for them.Take pleasure in the time you have with all of them, for mortal or immortal, it doesn't matter - nothing lasts forever, and people can change or be taken away from us in the blink of an eye.

No matter your choice, Tir, I will always love you.

-Gremio

Tir broke down halfway through the letter, and by the time he reached the end, could do no more than let it flutter gently to the floor, burying his face in hands with a sob. Gremio put his arms around Tir carefully, holding him close. "...I-I'm sorry... to have to suggest such hurtful things... I don't know what I should do."

Tir removed his hands only to bury his face in Gremio's chest, still sobbing, and yet trying to speak. "Never...never... you've never told me all that..."

"...I'd have thought you could guess the better part of it... my own feelings, at least." Stroking Tir's hair, he tried to smile. "After all the trouble we've seen together."

Tir continued to cry, trying to breathe enough to get some more words out. "Do you... really believe...that what we have is more precious than anything?"

Gremio nodded. "Perhaps not to everyone, but to me...? Think of it, Young Master... It has been said that ties of family are stronger than any other, but it has also been said that one can feel closer to friends one has chosen themselves. And Tir, I was fortunate enough to be brought into the family of someone who I would have chosen as a friend nonetheless..."

Tir finally started to settle down, and was quiet for awhile, thinking. "I don't want you to leave me. I never have... but I... I just..."

"As I said," Gremio agreed with a nod, "I will not leave unless you feel it is the best option. I've always tried to save you from pain and frustration, rather than making it worse..."

Tir sighed slowly... "A week ago I might have told you to go out of frustration...but now that I have spoken with Rina... now that I see there is no replacing each other..." He hesitated for a moment. "Gremio, can I ask you an odd question?"

"Of course, anything."

Tir looked up at him as if embarrassed to ask. "Would you really not mind if Rina and I... I just... I'm really very curious if you were doing it purely for my sake, or if it really didn't bother you?"

Gremio thought for a minute. "Er... to be honest..." He blushed slightly. "Whatever she and you do is none of my business, and I would ask no questions and have no expectations of either of you."

"But would it bother you?" Tir repeated, peering at him.

"What I don't know about couldn't possibly bother me, could it?" Gremio chuckled uneasily.

"It would bother you," Tir stated with a frown. "While I appreciate your gesture, if it would bother you, even not knowing about it, then..."

"Ah, no, it's not the thought of you and she that would trouble me," Gremio mumbled under his breath, shaking his head quickly. "What makes me a bit uncomfortable is the thought of... of you, in... such a... er, situation..." he finished, blushing more thoroughly.

Tir looked at Gremio and then suddenly, understanding what he was getting at, started to laugh softly. "Oh Gremio... if it makes you that squeamish, I promise never to fill you in on my exploits - previous, or those possibly to come."

Relieved, Gremio nodded - then froze as one word sunk in. "...P-previous...?"

Tir closed his eyes, now also blushing. "N...never mind that..."

For a moment Gremio said nothing, his thoughts racing over the various possibilities - and finally he laughed, throwing his arms around Tir again. "Young Master, you do realize I only meant the details - times, dates, er... places... you know what I mean, I'm sure." Despite the blushing, he smiled at Tir. "As always, I remain interested in all facets of your life - and I admit that you've made me curious as to who on earth..."

Laughing just as hard as Gremio at this statement, Tir smiled at him. "Well, you'll just have to wonder." He sighed thoughtfully. "Talking to her also made me realize that I can try to allow myself to care for and be close to other people besides you. It might... be good for me. But Gremio, it's very hard, because I'm always afraid of damaging them."

Understanding, Gremio nodded. "Tir, we will find some way to overcome the curse of the Soul Eater - I'm certain of it," he told Tir firmly. "At the least, you seem to have found a way to sate it... and if I can assist you in any way, even the shedding of my own blood, I will do so."

Tir nodded and lifted one hand to touch Gremio's cheek. "I was afraid if I told you what I was doing to control it, you would worry and not allow me to continue. The truth is... I really hate to be alone when it makes me feel that way. It's at those times that I become the most frustated and despairing...but now that you know..."

"Even if you will not let me do anything else," Gremio finished, hugging him closer, "I can at least hold you."

Grateful for the closeness, Tir hugged him back tightly. "There are so many, many times when that is the only thing I desire at all."

"As you wish," Gremio told him, smiling to himself. "So, then - shall we continue on the quest we began? I've felt that we were very close to succeeding."

Tir nodded and then yawned. "I've felt it too, you know... will we leave tomorrow...? There's... someone I need to talk to before we leave. I need to thank her for some advice she gave me earlier, and no, I don't mean Rina. I've already thanked her."

Gremio pondered for a moment, but it didn't matter. "Of course, you may take as long as you like... let me know when you're ready. I should inform Viktor and Flik as well," he added, glancing at one wall absently. "I suppose they're in their room..."

"Probably." Tir smiled a little smile of amusement. "If you go to the window above my bed, since their room is next to this wall, you can... um... sometimes tell if Viktor and Flik are otherwise occupied."

Gremio raised his eyebrows in surprise. "Um... oh my."

"Well, it's better than knocking on Flik's door and disturbing them, yes?" Tir chuckled.

"I'm not sure. At least knocking is not... inadvertantly eavesdropping." Gremio shrugged slightly, and patted Tir on the shoulder. "Either way, I really should let them know we may be leaving soon, and the kitchen staff also. Shall I be back in a moment, then...?"

Tir started to nod, but then shook his head. "I... I may be gone for a bit. So, feel free to take your time and prepare whatever we need for tomorrow. Do not hurry back."

"All right - I'll see what the kitchen would not miss, as well." Gremio rose with a smile, starting towards the door, then hesitated and went to the window Tir had indicated, reluctantly opening it a crack. "...I suppose you're right..."

Chuckling softly, Tir headed for the door himself. "If you don't hear them almost immediately, then it's probably safe. I will see you shortly."

Gremio nodded, and closed the window. "It seems to be safe... Good luck, Young Master."

Tir turned to give Gremio a curious look and then blushed. "Er...thanks..."

For what, Gremio wondered, as he headed downstairs. For wishing him luck? For sending Rina along? He'd have to talk to her before they left as well...

Luckily, he came across her in the dining room. "You've got that look on your face again, puppy," she observed. "Leaving?"

"Er, yes..." Gremio slid into the chair next to her, staring down at the table. "And... the next time you see me, if we do meet again, things will be different..."

He hadn't had the courage to explain to her before, but he owed it to her, and so he did. As he expected, she understood - she always did.

Also as he expected, not a word was said about the previous night's encounter before they said their farewells. He understood as well, and didn't need to know anyhow.