Part 16
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Never did Tir think his own home would feel so alien to him, but as he stood looking up at the familiar windows, he felt as displaced as if he'd never set foot in this city before today. Even with the late afternoon sun, the day was still bitterly cold, and the wind whipped down nearly empty streets, rustling against the brown of dead grass and half-decayed leaves.
It didn't take Tir long to realize that no one had been in the McDohl house for some months, but the lack of Cleo and Pahn was hardly a passing thought in his mind with the state he was in. He dumped his pack at the foot of his bed, wandering aimlessly around the house for a few minutes, but everything reminded him of his family... of Gremio.
And every thought of Gremio was like another knife to his gut.
Sick to his stomach, he left the house as cold and silent as it had been upon his arrival, and walked towards the palace with his head down and his hands curled around himself beneath his cloak.
This must have been how Ted had felt... alone in the world... desperate for warmth and life to be in hand's reach, and yet despairing to the core that anyone he touched would end up invariably swallowed by the curse. Tir was never sure, either, if it was the fact that the rune had taken Gremio once that enabled him to feel comfortable with their closeness... or if was just the one weakness he'd allow himself... the one thing he couldn't force himself to live without. The emptiness was vast and deep as he realized that he would have to, again.
His footsteps brought him to the gate of the graveyard, to a visit that was overdue, and he sank down to his knees on the frozen earth as he came to his father's grave. Reaching out a gloved hand, he traced the letters in the stone as he had done more than once since Teo's departure. The anger and despair he had kept hidden from Flik for days boiled over, tears blurring his vision, and in a rare display of violent anger, he beat his fists upon the ground.
"I hate this! I wish I had been the one to die that day instead of you!"
It wasn't true... he knew it wasn't true... but it would have been an easy way out. It was the weakness Tir had never allowed himself during the war. It was the boy thrust into adulthood and leadership far before his time, it was the innocence and optimism of youth that had been stolen away overnight. It was the knowledge that everything most dear to him had been ripped away, and yet still he did not choose to pass the curse onto someone else. He could not bear to have anyone else suffer what he himself already had...
"I had this image of what my life would be... what our lives would be... and now I am finding that my reality is so far removed from those childish dreams as to be unrecognizable." Once the words had started, they tumbled out in a rush, unknowingly overheard. "What would you say, father, if I told you I regretted it? All of it? What would you say if I told you I wished I had run away the day you made me join up with the Empire's army? Would it shame you to know I have no honor? That I never wanted any of this? And what would you say if you were to stand here and listen to me tell you that I love Gremio? And that when, for once, I wanted something for myself... being that selfish has cost me all I had left that mattered to me?"
Collapsing into a ball beside the tombstone, it was at that moment, for the first time ever, that Tir truly thought about simply ending his life. He closed his eyes and for just one breath, let himself imagine sailing a boat out into the ocean and drowning himself far below the waves where the rune would stay buried with him for a long time.
And then there was a hand on his shoulder, and he found himself looking up into familiar dark eyes that overflowed with concern. He flinched slightly at the touch as she knelt beside him, her words hardly more than a murmur. "Master McDohl..."
Tir struggled to sit up, furiously wiping away tears, hating for her to see him like this, though it was certainly not the first time. "Kasumi... I..."
"I overheard some of what you said," she admitted slowly. "Did you and Gremio... have a fight?"
"Not exactly," he replied, taking a few deep breaths in an effort to calm himself. It had been a long while since he and Kasumi had talked at length, but there had been a time during the war, when Gremio was gone... when she had quietly become his confidant. More than his confidant. "Don't... worry about me..."
Kasumi narrowed her eyes, getting to her feet and offering him a hand. "I can't believe you'd try and say that to me, Master McDohl." Her tone was chiding - not the somewhat self-conscious girl she'd been a few years ago. It was a bit strange for Tir to look at her, to see how she'd grown from girl into young woman, and wondered what it was like for her, in turn, to see exactly the same boy he'd been when they'd first met. "You know you can't fool me into going away now that I've found you here."
For a long moment Tir simply stared at the outstretched hand, and then he finally reached slowly to grasp it, replying softly. "Tir, Kasumi... I've been telling you forever that just Tir is fine."
She smiled slightly, but it didn't quite reach her eyes as she helped him up. She didn't let go of his hand yet, either, but instead tugging him towards the exit. "Come back to the Palace with me."
"I don't want..." Tir started in alarm, feeling ill again at the thought of having to greet a bunch of people who would bow to him and revere him.
"We'll go in the side door, no one will see us," she promised as they started to walk. "And I know I can't force you to talk to me, but... seeing you back here without Gremio and so obviously upset... if there's anything I can do..." She stopped in mid-step to regard him seriously. "And I do mean anything."
Tir nodded slowly, but couldn't quite bring himself to smile, and he didn't say anything more until they were alone in Kasumi's room. He stood awkwardly in the middle of the floor as she closed the door, his hands clasped in front of him as she turned and surveyed him seriously once more.
"I mean no offense when I say you look like... like you've been on the road for a long time."
"I have..." he admitted.
"And that you haven't slept or probably eaten proper in days." Tir's slight blush was enough to confirm her suspicions, and she pushed him gently towards her bathroom. "Look, if you don't want to talk, at least take a hot shower and I'll fetch something to eat. I don't care how much you protest... I don't really think you should be alone right now. I haven't seen you like this since..." Kasumi trailed off as she watched Tir's face pale from the slight blush to an ashy color in moments, and wondered even more. She didn't finish her statement though and instead walked to the armoire in the room, pulling forth a towel and an oversized robe.
Alone underneath the steaming water, Tir closed his eyes, letting the rushing sound wash away noise, dirt and anger. By the time he emerged, his earlier feelings of rage had settled down into simply a burning feeling deep in his chest... but pain was better than anger, he thought... more easily controlled. He sat down on Kasumi's bed and didn't realize how tired he was until her arrival startled him out of a half doze.
She set the tray down and came to sit beside him, reaching out to take one of his hands between hers. Their eyes met, and she frowned, wondering if it was her place to press him for details. "Tir... would you tell me where Gremio is?"
That one gentle question was all it took to break Tir down all over again, and the tears began to roll down his face. He couldn't even find the words to explain the entire saga of their quest, but in halting fragments he did his best to explain that Gremio had left him behind to undertake a dangerous quest, a quest that could result in his death... and he had done so without letting Tir know about his departure. It was that more than the actual quest details that he placed emphasis on, and Kasumi didn't ask him to explain any further.
Kasumi listened until Tir's words trailed off and then she leaned towards him, kissing away the tears on his cheeks as she had done one night a long time ago. Never having been one for words herself, she pulled him close against her, more like a mother would than a lover, stroking his hair until they both dozed off.
It was some hours later that Tir woke, disoriented to find himself in bed with Kasumi, but after a moment's recollection, he silently slid out of the bed, hoping not to wake her. In the midnight darkness, he slipped out of the robe and back into his own clothes, hastily scrawling her a note. It wasn't that he didn't want to stay... but he didn't really trust himself to spend so long in the close presence of another person.
He was calmer as he walked the streets back to his home, watching as the grayness that had been hovering over the city all day finally erupted into a shower of snowflakes whirling in dancing patterns to catch in his hair and in his cloak. The snow reminded him of Gremio too... of the day they'd chased each other outside that inn and thrown snowballs... of days when he was younger and they'd built forts and snowmen together, and decorated them with carrots that were supposed to have gone into that night's stew...
Tir forced himself to stop thinking as he reached the door, blinking furiously and shivering slightly against the cold. It took but a moment for him to realize, upon closing the front door behind him, that the house was noticeably warmer... that someone was here, or had been here...
"Pahn...? Cleo...?" Cautiously, he peered at the hallway, then stepped towards the bedrooms, knocking at the doors. "...Hello?"
There was no answer, and he was becoming a little frightened. There didn't seem to be anyone in the kitchen either, when he wandered back there, but he called out again into the darkness. "Pahn? Cleo?! Is anyone here? This... this... isn't funny..."
Across the hall in his bedroom, Gremio snapped awake and froze. He wasn't sure whether he was dreaming or not.
"Cleo!" the familiar voice called again. In the kitchen, Tir slammed a fist into the table in frustration and then sank down to the floor in front of the stove, beginning to cry anew.
Gremio's eyes opened in shock, and he got to his feet, his clothes rumpled from the night's unexpected slumber. Going to the door of his room, he opened it carefully and peered out to see Tir sitting crumpled on the kitchen floor, heaving great sobs so that he could hardly breathe, his face buried in his hands. Gremio stared, his jaw dropping, and he barely breathed the boy's name. "...Tir...?"
Tir did not hear Gremio in all his hysteria, and continued to cry with no signs that he would let up anytime soon. Forgetting himself in his concern, Gremio rushed to Tir's side, dropping to his knees and throwing his arms around the boy. "Young Master..."
Tir was so startled he choked on his own tears and started coughing, trying to rub at an eye, completely confused and overwhelmed. "What...wha..."
Gremio loosened his grip slightly, giving Tir room to move. "...I... w-when did you..."
Tir started to cry all over again, shaking uncontrollably and torn between anger and relief. "How did you... I thought I would never... how could you, how could you, Gremio...?"
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," Gremio exclaimed, still confused. "I-I had to do this, not only for you, but..." He shivered suddenly and let go of Tir, rising to his feet and backing away, gritting his teeth. "...I'm sorry..."
Tir rubbed at his eyes again and looked up at Gremio in surprise. "I... Gremio, I was so angry..." he began. "I thought even if you did come back, I would never speak to you again... but now that you are here..."
"Young Master..." Gremio closed his eyes, taking deep breaths before he could speak again himself. "I would tell you to do as you wish with me... punish me how you see fit. But..."
"But..." Tir slowly stumbled to his feet. "But what, Gremio...?"
Gremio clenched his fists against the wall behind him, opening his eyes again helplessly. "But I... I fear what might happen..."
Having calmed down considerably, Tir eyed Gremio seriously, and for a fleeting moment he was once again the commander of an army and not just a boy. "Show me your hands, Gremio..." he said softly and evenly, taking a step towards him.
Gremio did lift a hand - he threw it up in alarm, startled to the point of stumbling backwards into the wall. "D-don't come near me, Young Master," he gasped.
Ignoring his request, Tir took a step closer, already having the answer he needed, because he could feel his own hand burning beneath his glove. "Gremio... I am not afraid."
Gremio made a soft whimpering sound, feeling a similar sensation. "I cannot say the same..."
Tir reached out one hand to touch Gremio's shoulder lightly, but Gremio flinched at his touch. "Gremio..." Tir murmured.
"Young Master, the Star Dragon Sword spoke to me," Gremio said in a rush, "he told me that it was testing me, that it might pass in time, or it might happen again and again..."
Nodding slightly, Tir gave Gremio a wry smile. "...Welcome to my life."
Gremio put his other hand shakily to his head, cringing away from him. "...You are stronger than I, just as I always expected... I'm so, so sorry, Young Master..."
"I... I don't think that..." Tir brought his other hand up to touch Gremio's cheek. "And... what are you apologizing for, Gremio?"
Gremio shook his head, and slid down the wall to the floor. "F-for what you must suffer... and for leaving..." he murmured fretfully, his head in his hands. "But I had to..."
Tir tried to reach for Gremio's hand as he sat down beside him. "I understand...I...I forgive you...Gremio, I... please... let me..."
Gremio just shook his head again, curling tighter into a ball. "I'm so sorry, Tir..."
Refusing to accept defeat, Tir awkwardly tried to loop an arm around Gremio, gently stroking his hair. "I...please...stop apologizing..." His voice cracked as tears threatened at the corners of his eyes again.
Gremio shivered at his touch, and suddenly lashed out, striking the wall beside him with a clenched fist. "What else can I do...?"
The sound made Tir jump, and he crawled around in front of Gremio, reaching a hand toward his face. "Please, please, look at me..."
Gremio could never resist his Young Master's pleas, and so he slowly lifted his head despite his misgivings, his eyes still squeezed shut. His shoulders shook slightly, but finally he opened his eyes, exhausted and despairing.
Tir stared at Gremio for a moment, and then smiled gently. "I...I will tell you what you have told me so many times... E...everything will be okay. I will never leave you, and everything...will be...okay..." Bringing his hands up to Gremio's face, he then leaned forward to kiss his forehead, his cheeks, his nose, whispering the same words again. "I...won't...leave...you. ...No matter what."
Gremio closed his eyes again, trembling with sobs barely kept in check. "...Young Master, it is I who should be making such promises to you..."
Now crying, Tir kissed Gremio's cheeks again, and then tried to draw him closer. "Please... if either of us is to make them, then let it be both of us. I... I...could not bear it any other way." He paused momentarily to hiccough. "I... thought I had lost you again..."
Finally giving up on his attempt to control himself, Gremio threw his arms around Tir, clinging to him tightly. "Forgive me, Young Master, but right now, I... I'm not sure you haven't..."
Tir clutched him tightly, trying to keep himself from sobbing. "I won't let go... I've got you here and I won't let go, even if it tears us both apart. Do you understand me...?"
Gremio nodded into Tir's shirt, nearly clutching at his back in his anxiety. "But... this thing... I don't know if I can manage..."
"There are still days where I wonder that," Tir sighed softly. "But... Gremio... I promise to be here to help you."
Gremio nodded again, relaxing not so much from relief as from exhaustion. "Th-thank you... Young Master... I believe I... I understand you a bit better now."
"I had been afraid of that..." Tir mumbled. Seeking for some way to help, an idea came to him. "Gremio... would you like for me to make you some tea? It might... might... help you calm down - or I could just stay here and... hold you, like this, if that's what you want."
Gremio didn't hesitate a moment. "Stay. ...As long as I am holding you this close, as long as my arms and my hands are occupied, I cannot... harm you."
He shuddered, but Tir simply squeezed him and rested a weary head on his shoulder, regardless of the danger he was implying. "I... I am glad we found each other..."
Gremio nodded, and leaned back against the wall slightly, pulling Tir with him. "No one could tell me where you had gone," he began, "but I knew that if you sought me, you would know where my heart lies." Gremio laughed slightly, helplessly, and a tear rolled down his cheek. "...In Master Teo's kitchen, it seems..."
Tir laughed softly too. "But Gremio...I didn't seek you out... I came here because... my heart is still here too," he told his friend, "from the days before any of this ever happened to us."
Gremio smiled wearily. "Young Master..." he murmured, "do you remember all the precious moments we've shared together, in this very room? Before this oven, at this table...? All the times we would talk as I made dinner... more than anyone else's, this was our room."
Tir nodded fondly. "Yes, Gremio... I remember all the talks, all the stews... but most of all I remember all the times I did this." Taking advantage of their closeness, he tickled Gremio mercilessly.
Letting out a yelp, Gremio began giggling helplessly. "Y-young Master... how can you do such a thing!"
Tir giggled himself and stopped. "Because nothing brings me such pure joy as the sound of your laughter," he whispered in Gremio's ear as he hugged him tighter.
Still trying to catch his breath from the laughing and the tight hug, Gremio laughed a more honest laugh. "...Thank you, Young Master..."
"Anytime, Gremio, anytime... Do remember that."
With a sigh, Gremio rested his scarred cheek against Tir's smoother one. "Perhaps we should put on some tea after all... and a bit of something to eat. If anything remains to eat - I wonder where Pahn and Cleo have gone off to...?
"Tea... tea would be very nice," Tir agreed with a nod.
Gremio reluctantly loosened his grip, but didn't let go. "Tir... being here, with you," he whispered, "it... it makes me feel like I can live with this after all."
All of a sudden, Tir pulled Gremio close again to hug him. "Now... now perhaps you understand why I was always so fearful that you would leave me."
Gremio nodded. "Young Master, you should have had more faith in me. Perhaps I should have had more faith in myself as well."
"I'm sorry, Gremio..." Tir said with a regretful sigh.
Gremio shook his head, smiling faintly. "Now, don't you apologize to me," he scolded Tir, sounding almost like his old self, "or I may start apologizing to you again. It is done, for now, and here we are at home - nothing else matters."
Tir smiled slightly as well. "Are you sure about that?"
There was a hesitation as Gremio thought for a moment. "Well, I would like to know why there was no one home..."
"I wondered too..."
Tir's comment was followed by a growl from his stomach, and Gremio chuckled as he moved to stand up. "I will have a look in the cupboards again, and if there is nothing edible in the house, I'll go buy something..." With something to do, something to keep him occupied, he could ignore the rumblings of the Beast Rune - and to his surprise, he already felt much better after a little sleep and the reunion with his Young Master. "I suppose in a pinch, we could go to the palace and dine with Lepant - he'd be honored to have you there, I imagine - but I would rather spend the extra effort to stay here."
"Actually," Tir told him, rising to his feet wearily, "Lepant and... Kasumi... already know I am here, but... I would rather not leave the house tonight, even if I need go to the store myself."
"Oh...?" Gremio raised an eyebrow at the strange sound of his voice when he mentioned Kasumi. Maybe...? Better not to think about it, he decided - Tir was not a child anymore. "Well, in that case, sit back and rest, Young Master, and I will see to everything."
Tir nodded and sat down at the table, not sure whether he should say anything more. After a moment of silence, he realized how much he'd missed being able to confide in Gremio. "I went to see my father," he blurted out abruptly.
Gremio looked up from where he was glancing into the cupboards, and looked back at Tir with uncertainty. "Oh... Did it... did it help?"
Just as he'd done many, many times before, Tir leaned his elbows on the table and rested his chin in his hands. "I don't know... I was very distraught."
After pulling the jar of rice from the cupboard, Gremio spared a moment to drop an arm around Tir's shoulders. "I miss him a great deal myself..."
Tir nodded slowly. "I was... I was thinking I... I don't know," he confessed. "Sometimes I still hear his voice, you know... just like I hear Ted's..."
Gremio considered sitting down next to him, but then remembered the rumbling of his stomach earlier and went to light the stove instead, still talking companionably as he did so. This was how many of their talks had been had as Tir grew up.. "If you don't mind my asking, what does he say...?"
Tir closed his eyes, thinking. "Different things... sometimes it is more a presence than words, but... He tells me he is proud of me. Sometimes he tells me to... to... see the world, to... stop being so sad."
"He would." Thinking about Master Teo put a warm smile on Gremio's face. "A few days past, I might have been worried if you had told me this... but now...?" He looked down at his right hand. "I understand more than I did before."
Tir nodded again. "Forgive me for being so... so self-important," he began, "but... I believe we have many new ways in which we will now come to understand each other."
Measuring out some rice into a cup, Gremio considered. "I don't see how that could be self-important," he said finally, "although I will admit that I'm not sure how you would understand me any better - I've always been open with you."
"That is true," Tir acknowledged, "and I hope you will always be... because I know from experience that... that this kind of thing can change a person."
"I suppose it already has," Gremio said softly, turning to go to the side door. "If you'll excuse me one moment, I need to draw a bit of water..."
Standing up, Tir motioned to Gremio to stop for a moment. "But... we won't let it change...us, will we...?"
Gremio hesitated before he answered. "...To be honest, Young Master, I've wondered for the past few days if I will simply slip away... if I cannot stand up to this rune..."
Tir stared at Gremio, unsure of how to answer something that had plagued him so many times in the past few years. "I believe in you..." he finally said softly.
"...Thank you." Gremio's smile was sad, but sincere. "You may need to remind me at times... but as long as I remain aware, I shall try. And, as long as I exist, I will be here for you."
Tir gave him an answering smile as he circled around the table to hug Gremio again. "We will remind each other."
"That we shall," Gremio agreed, squeezing him tightly in return.
In the morning, when the people of Gregminster arose to find the chimney of the McDohl house smoking, they assumed that Pahn and Cleo had returned from the spontaneous trip they'd taken - until the shopkeepers were greeted by a familiar blond man, asking for the best cuts of meat and the finest of the vegetables so he could make his special stew. If he seemed a little shaky and pale, it was probably from the journeying he'd been doing with his Young Master - everyone knew Gremio was too domestic to truly enjoy the life of a wanderer. And if he was wearing gloves even indoors - well, perhaps he'd been travelling to warmer places, and was unused to the winter weather they'd come back to. After a few times, no one even thought to question it, and he looked healthier and happier each time he returned for more groceries.
In the evenings, light once more came from the upper windows, and if the weather had been warmer, the sound of laughter could have been heard as well, starting soft and nervous but growing deeper and more earnest as weeks went past. They wouldn't stay forever, and everyone knew it. But the two of them now knew that whenever they had to leave - whether it was in a month, or if fifty years passed before that day - they would be leaving together. And wherever they went, even until the end of the world, they would never be separated again.
Climb a mountain, then turn around
And if you see my reflection in the snow-covered hills
The landslide will bring it down.
Authors' Notes: So we finally finished this... amusingly, we finished RPing it on Christmas 2002, and now we're posting the prose-ified version on Easter 2004. However, we're not really finished, as you may have guessed; what happaned to Viktor and Flik, right? Their story will be told in the sequel... and Tir and Gremio of course will have some new challenges to overcome.
Thanks to everyone who's made it through this incredibly long story - and if you enjoyed it, look forward to reading an even longer one in the future. ;)
