Disclaimer: I do not own The Outsiders, even though I've prayed to God to change that. In case you haven't noticed, it's not working.

~*~

Nature's first green is gold,

Her hardest hue to hold.

Her early leaf's a flower,

But only so an hour.

Then leaf subsides to leaf,

So Eden sank to grief,

So dawn goes down to day,

Nothing gold can stay.

Robert Frost wrote that. It's my favorite poem, one I can relate to. It was one Johnny could relate to also. At least, I think it was. When I recited it to him he sure looked like he understood it.

Johnny. I thank him for reminding me the meaning of this poem. I also thank him for making up my mind.

I can feel Darry watching me out of the corner of his eye. Damn, don't they understand I just want to be left alone? Okay, so I haven't been eating or sleeping. So I look like a goddamn lifeless shell. It's my choice. I can get better…if I wanted to.

Stay gold, Ponyboy.

I've tried, Johnny. I really have. But it's so hard.

I haven't talked to anybody since Dally and Johnny died two months ago. Not even Soda, my brother. I don't want to.

The other day I heard Two-Bit and Steve conversing in the kitchen.

"I think he's crazy," Steve had said.

"Yeah, me too," Two-Bit replied, sort of sadly.

I stomped in. "I'm not crazy!" I screamed. They kind of jumped like startled rabbits. "So stop saying that!"

I wasn't crazy…was I?

If you get tough, like me, you won't get hurt.

Dally, do you hate me because I can't be tough like you? I've tried, I really have…

Right then I made up my mind. I had to show Dally I could be tough. I had to prove to Johnny I knew how to stay gold. Without speaking a word to anybody—which, nowadays, was not unusual since I haven't spoken since The Incident, not even in school—I got up and went into the bathroom.

My fingers searched around a cabinet until they closed around a razor. Smiling, I put the razor up against my wrist, staring at the thick blue blood vessel against the shiny silver blade.

Is this what it means to stay gold?

Is this what it means to get tough?

I cut the vessel and watched the blood pool out almost immediately. Then suddenly I didn't want to do this. I was scared. I reached for some toilet paper.

No! I need to be gold! Be tough!

I forced my hand back. While the blood dripped out I thought about some things. I remembered Johnny and how he came up with the theme. You're gold when you're a kid, when you have innocence. Then I thought about Dally, and how he said being tough like him meant you could handle anything.

But, Dally…if you were tough then…why did you break down over Johnny?

And then something else came to me. I was looking at this all wrong. I had been looking at Johnny's point of view and Dally's point of view as two separate things. That's why I was so torn up inside.

I needed to stay alive to stay gold. If I was gold then I was tough. If I was gold then I could truly handle anything. Johnny meant stay gold on the inside…Dally meant get tough on the outside. I could be both gold and tough. I thought…well, I don't know what I thought.

The blood was dripping fast. I needed help. Toilet paper was not going to do anything now. My arm was covered in it. I walked out of the bathroom and into the den, where the gang was.

"Ponyboy!" Darry gasped, jumping up.

"Holy shit, Pony," Two-Bit whispered.

The gang stared wide-eyed at me. I stared at them all blankly for a second. Then I did something I was positive they'd never forget. I smiled at them.

"I'm sorry, guys," I told them. "Can I have a second chance?"

As soon as I said it Soda collapsed into tears and hugged me to him, getting blood all over his shirt. It was then I thought about a little twist to the poem.

Nature's first green is gold,

Her hardest hue to hold.

Her every leaf's a flower,

But only so an hour.

Then leaf subsides to leaf,

So Eden sank to grief,

So dawn goes down to day,

Something gold must stay.

~*~

Damn. I was aiming for angsty but…it kind of went off track. It's more sweet than anything else. I think. Oh, hell, I don't know what the fuck it is! Just R/R so I can go off and sulk at my bad angsty writing.