A/N: THANKS FOR THE REVIEWS. I GET ALL EXCITED WHEN I GET THEM AND I GET
MOTIVATED TO WRITE EVEN MORE. SO, HERE'S ANOTHER CHAPTER. I MADE IT EXTRA
LONG SO BECAUSE YOU GUYS WERE NICE ENOUGH TO REVIEW MY STORY. BEFORE YOU
DO, HERE'S A FEW REMINDERS THAT I SHOULD LET YOU GUYS KNOW SO THAT IT WON'T
BE TOO CONFUSING.
1. EVERYONE IN WOLFRAM AND HART KNOWS THAT SPIKE IS HUMAN.
1. ANGEL NEVER TOLD BUFFY ABOUT SPIKE AND HE ALSO DIDN'T TELL SPIKE ABOUT
WHERE BUFFY WAS AND WHAT HAPPENED WITH DAWN. SO SPIKE THINKS THAT
EVERYTHING IS STILL THE SAME IN SUNNYDALE, EXCEPT FOR THE WHOLE
APOCALYPSE BEING AVERTED AND STOPPED YET AGAIN BY GOOD OLD TRUSTY SLAYER
BUFFY AND HER TEAM.
1. SPIKE ALSO THINKS THAT BUFFY AND ANGEL ARE TOGETHER BECAUSE HE SAW THEM
KISSING BEFORE HIS SO CALLED DEATH.
1. ONLY ANGEL, LILAH AND WOLFRAM AND HART KNOW WHO CONNOR IS. THIS WHO
CONNOR THING IS COMPLICATED BUT I'LL EXPLAIN IT AND YOU'LL FIGURE THIS
OUT ALONG THE WAY.
I DON'T NEED TO ELABORATE AND MAKE THIS AUTHOR'S NOTE SUPER LONG.
ANYWAY, YUP. THERE IT IS. I HOPE IM NOT FORGETTING ANYTHING. ENJOY AND DON'T FORGET TO REVIEW.
~*~
The silence in the Hummer was almost unbearable. Everyone remained hushed and there was no noise except for the revving of the engine beneath them.
Small sighs escaped Buffy's lips as she made every effort not to look at Spike.
She kept her eyes on Dawn's pale face but she was a million miles away, lost in her own world of troubled thoughts.
She wanted an answer for the miracle she just witnessed but despite how curious she was, Buffy stopped herself from opening her mouth and asking him or anyone else in the car.
Spike was doing the same, trying to ignore her or pretend that her presence didn't bother him in any way. He seemed more relaxed than his female counterpart. He had his back against the wall, his head titled back and his eyes closed. It was the only way he knew how to calm himself.
Spike wished for a cigarette then. Or better yet Vodka.
Fred and Connor remained silent because it felt almost wrong to break the silence. They both could see the tension between the two other people.
Connor kept his attention on the small child in his arms while Fred pretended to look through Wolfram and Hart's medical database from her laptop so that she would have something to do other than sit in discomfort and listen to the agonizing silence.
Everyone sighed with relief when the Hummer came to a stop and driver opened the doors and told them to get out.
Fresh air and noise was welcome any time.
Fred wished never to go through that again. It was almost self torture to sit there and not utter a word for so long.
Angel, Wesley, Gunn and Lilah met them inside Wolfram and Hart and they all made their way through the crowd that didn't seem to mind them.
Lilah directed them to the hospital wing of the building-another area that no one knew about.
She just smirked knowingly when Gunn asked why they weren't informed about this.
Dawn was laid on a stretcher and wheeled through the white sterile doors of the wing where half a dozen doctors, as well as Fred who took charge, clamored around her.
An I.V. tube was attached to her arm while another doctor check her vitals, did an X-ray scan and told everyone to step back as they worked on her. Blood samples were taken and her wound was inspected both for science and mystical research in the near future.
Buffy watched in silence, feeling quite useless and out of place. But she wanted to be near her sister, to be there in case--no, Buffy wouldn't let herself think that far ahead.
Dawn was going to make it.
Spike stood nearby, pretending not to pay attention to Buffy but actually watching her carefully from the corner of his eyes.
Connor and the child were brought to another section for medical 'testing.'
Angel kept watched; wanting to make sure that Connor was not harmed or threatened in any way.
Wesley disappeared earlier to continue his research on Dawn and the mysterious little girl while Gunn went somewhere to do something-no one knew exactly. At that moment, no one really cared.
They were too preoccupied with their own worries.
When the hustle and bustle with Dawn and the child finally settled, Buffy was allowed to sit with her sister and everything fell into silence again.
Fred, no matter how exhausted, sat in front of her computer and tried to find an explanation to Dawn and the little girl's sudden appearance and perhaps a cure to whatever it was that was slowly killing the slayer's baby sister.
She had a few of her team keeping a close eye on the two girls.
Wesley was doing the same and after a few tedious hours of flipping pages and decrypting ancient texts, he finally stumbled on something that might be of some potential.
Connor was sitting on a rather comfortable chair, his head rested on the side while his arm was outstretched to the bed, his finger curled around the little girl's small ones. The child was lying beneath the blanket that Fred had given her, her bony hands sticking out so that she could reach and hold Connor's hand.
It was strange how she needed physical contact for reassurance but knowing that someone was there for her, when Dawn could not, made her feel slightly safer and calmer.
On the other side of the room, Buffy was sitting next to Dawn, stroking her sister's hair softly, and making mental notes on how Dawn had changed in the last few weeks since her disappearance.
She had an old scar on her forehead and larger ones on her arms and near her wrists and Buffy had to wonder what kind of horror Dawn went through.
"Please be okay." Buffy whispered softly as she bent down to kiss Dawn's cold, pale cheek.
It tore at her heart not being able to help her, to just sit and be so helpless. It almost reminded her of their mother's death.
Buffy wished that there was something, anything that she could do.
On the other side of the bed, Spike was sitting on a chair, his back so straight he looked almost 'too' proper. He remained silent because he didn't know what else to do.
He wanted to console Buffy but that would be too strange, knowing full well that they hadn't seen each other in over six months and she believed that he was dead all along.
Suddenly, Buffy stood up without as much as a glance at his direction and left to find Angel who had also disappeared earlier.
Spike suspected as much and shook his head in disappointment.
************************************************************************
Buffy pushed the door open to Angel's office and stepped inside.
As usual, he was seated behind his enormous desk, with the drapes pulled back to let some sun inside the room.
He was brooding in silence. How typical, Buffy thought.
"We need to talk. Alone." Buffy said pointedly as she glanced at Lilah who made no effort to leave.
Buffy wondered why the woman was always by Angel's side.
Even she wasn't that clingy when she and Angel were involved.
The vampire nodded at the brunette to leave and Lilah smiled as if she knew a great secret that no one else did.
She left and shut the door behind her.
"Buffy." Angel said. "Have a seat."
She remained standing, an act of defiance on her part. She crossed her arms in front of her and glared at him.
"You knew." She said icily and Angel shifted in his seat. "How long has he been.....been-"
"Human?" Angel finished for her.
Buffy looked startled. It wasn't what she expected him to say but she suspected as much. "Yes. Human." She echoed.
"A few months, maybe two or three. I wouldn't really know. He just came to me for answers a month ago." Angel answered.
"And you couldn't tell me because?" She demanded.
"It wasn't my place." Angel answered softly.
Buffy scoffed. "I deserved to know the truth. You knew how much it.....it hurt me and yet you kept the truth from me."
"It wasn't my place to tell you." Angel repeated.
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" She snapped angrily. "You knew how important he was to me and yet you kept something this important all this time! You deliberately lied to me!"
"Buffy calm down."
"I am not calming down. How could you do that to me? How could you lie to my face for months?" She yelled.
"He asked me not to say anything."
"And since when did you ever listen to him or even do anything he asked?" She demanded furiously. Buffy couldn't bring herself to say Spike's name. It hurt too much. "I trusted you to tell me the truth."
Suddenly the door creaked open and Buffy silenced herself, heaving softly. Her back stiffened when she sensed him.
"I heard yelling." Spike said uncomfortably. He had taken a walk in the building and somehow he ended up in Angel's office.
Thanks to Lilah of course, who found him in the halls and intentionally directed him to the 'right' direction.
Just my luck, he thought to himself.
"We're busy." She said coldly, not bothering to turn and face him.
"I can see." He said brusquely. "I'll leave you two alone then." He said but Angel quickly rose from his seat.
"No, Spike." He said. "Stay. You and Buffy need to settle this." He said and Spike grudgingly relented.
He was not ready for a confrontation with the slayer and from the expression on Angel's face, she was mighty pissed.
Presumably about the little truth that he and Angel kept from her.
Buffy glared at Angel as he exited the room.
She'll thank me for this later, her reminded himself.
And he didn't want to stay and endure the yelling from Buffy. True, he deserved some reprimanding from her for keeping the secret about Spike's whereabouts and current state but still; he preferred to be anywhere else at that moment.
The door slid shut and Angel was gone. Only Buffy and Spike were left in the room. She kept her back towards him, refusing to look at him.
Spike refrained from moving and stared at her.
"Did you ever plan on telling me or were you going to let me believe that you were dead forever?" She asked. Her voice was stiff and tense and judging from her posture, Buffy was restraining herself from letting loose her anger.
Still, she kept her back towards him.
Spike shrugged and Buffy could almost see him doing it. How like him to just shrug.
"If you ever needed me, I would have gone back to tell you."
She wanted to say that she needed him, always did, even before she knew it and maybe always will but she didn't.
"And when was that?" She demanded. Finally she turned to face him, her face grim with anger and a mixture of hurt and disappointment.
"Up to you, love." He replied. The words came so easily and out of habit that Spike bit his tongue.
"No, it's not up to me. How could it be up to me when I had no clue you were alive?" She asked in frustration, her face twisting into a scowl. Buffy had visions of just walking up to him and slapping him across the face but she didn't.
She wouldn't dare herself to go so close to him. Any sort of physical contact was not what she needed right now. Especially not from him.
She wanted answers. She needed them.
"When the time was right, I would have told you. I needed some time to think." He replied.
"And so you and Angel thought it would be fine and dandy to let me believe that you were dead all along?" She asked in disbelief.
"Hey, I did you a favor-you and Angel. You should be grateful." He said when Angel's name was brought up. "With you still thinking that I was dead, you and the poof could finally live happily ever after."
Buffy sighed loudly. "Have you lost your mind?" She shrieked. "Can you not see that Angel and I are long over? Did you not hear what I said to you before you died?"
Spike shook his head. "You can't blame a guy for thinking that way. You and Angel are meant to be, isn't that what you've always said to me? To everyone? And just because you said those three little words to me does not mean that you meant them. Hey, you thought I was going to die anyway, right? So what's the harm in telling me a little fib?"
With that said Buffy walked over to him and slapped him. She didn't want to but it was the only thing that she knew how to do at that moment.
"For over six months, I grieved you. I cried for you. I buried an empty grave for you because I believed that you earned that at least. Because I owed it to you." She declared heatedly.
"Just like you thought you owed it to me to tell me you loved me even when you never meant it?" He dared to ask the question, but like her also needed some answers.
"I meant those words. I would never have said it if I didn't." She replied, hurt written all over her face. Why couldn't he accept the truth now?
Hadn't he always wanted her to tell him that she loved him? That she felt the same?
Why not listen to her now when actually told him the truth?
"No, you didn't." He declared firmly, his blue eyes hard with anger. "I'm not a fool Buffy. Before you said you loved me, you were kissing Angel."
She looked shocked but she said nothing to deny it. She searched in the back of her mind when he saw them kissing but it didn't matter now. Buffy only wished he stuck around long enough to hear what she said to Angel in the cemetery.
"It doesn't matter if I kissed him. The point is you kept this from me. You were alive this whole time and you kept me and everyone else believing that you weren't. Or am I the only one who isn't in on this?" She said angrily.
Spike scoffed.
He had enough.
"What did you expect me to do? Do you honestly think that I knew that I was going to become human? What was I supposed to do? Leave you a little post-it note saying, 'hey Buffy, when this is over don't forget that I'll be human. Maybe you'd like another chance?'" He retorted sarcastically. "And what made you think that I would have gone running back to you? I loved you more than I ever loved anyone my whole life, vampire or otherwise, but despite what I did, you kept pushing me away. I did everything for you and it was never good enough! I got myself a soul and in your eyes, I became worse of a monster. I was never enough!" He yelled. "I have to admit that there were times that you stood up for me and that you were actually kind but did you bloody well think that you would always have me or any man out there by treating me like trash day in and out?"
She stepped back as if he had slapped her. "So this is my fault?"
He sighed. "Not entirely but you did play your part. The world does not always revolve around you and your needs, Buffy. Now, I'm sorry for lying, for having Angel deceive you and your family. Perhaps, you deserved more than that but it was my decision and I needed time for me. I needed to find myself."
"And it was more convenient not to have me around, is that it?" She asked truly hurt.
"It made things clearer not to have you there. I needed to set things straight with myself. Besides, I also believed that you and Angel were back on your love fest." He smirked at that.
"You could have always asked." She whispered.
"And what if I was right? What would I have gotten out of that?" He queried.
"The truth." She replied. "We could all have gotten the truth we needed and a lot of hurt could have been avoided."
He shrugged. "We'd still be hurting no matter what. That's how our so- called-relationship went. Hate, hate and more hate."
"It wasn't 'so called'. It meant something. And it wasn't all hate." She replied.
Spike nodded incredulously. "Right I forgot. I loved you but I was your personal punching bag, body guard and a perfectly good lay." He sneered. Humanity made him resentful, more than usual.
"Stop it."
"Just saying some nasty truths, love. Isn't that what you wanted?" He retorted.
"You meant something." Buffy pressed. "That's up to you to believe it or not."
"Fine." He replied.
Buffy looked at him, wondering what to do now. She was hurt and angry and she wanted to lash out at him but for the life of her she couldn't.
She was just so overwhelmed and happy that he was back. That there was hope still, that she might be able to make up for the mistakes she made with him.
But what hurt her most was that no matter how hard she tried, he wouldn't believe her when she told him how she felt. Add that to the lies she was fed and it evened out to more hurt.
"Congratulations." She whispered dejectedly.
"For?" He asked, slightly confused.
"You win." She said sadly.
Spike frowned. "This was never a game, Buffy." He said firmly.
"Whatever." She said and walked past him and out the door. Buffy sighed once the door shut behind her.
She looked back, half expecting him to follow. But the door remained shut and Spike never came out.
She shook her head, thwarted and hurt and walked back to the infirmary where Dawn waited for her. Tears stung her eyes and she tried to calm down.
She didn't want anyone to see her crying.
Now she knew how it felt when she treated Spike that way. Buffy swallowed her tears.
The truth always did hurt.
~*~
A/N: A FEW QUESTIONS TO MY READERS:
1. WHO KNOWS WHO THE LITTLE GIRL IS? AND WHY IS SHE SO ATTACHED TO CONNOR?
MAKE A GUESS. I DON'T CARE.
1. WHO KNOWS WHAT'S WRONG WITH DAWN? I LEFT HINTS ALL OVER THE STORY
PEEPS. ESPECIALY IN THIS CHAPTER. SOMEONE SHOULD FIGURE IT OUT AND IF
NOT, WHATEVER. YOUR REVIEWS ARE GOOD ENOUGH.
1. ANY GUESSES ON WHO THE GUARDIAN IS? IF YOU FORGOT ABOUT THAT, I
MENTIONED IT IN THE PREVIOUS CHAPTERS. WESLEY READ SOMETHING ABOUT IT.
IF ANYONE HAS A SUGGESTION ON WHAT THEY WOULD LIKE TO SEE HAPPEN, WHO THEY WANT TO COME BACK, FEEL FREE. I DON'T CARE HOW WEIRD OR DIFFICULT OR UNLIKELY YOUR IDEA IS. ONE THING I WONT DO THOUGH IS BLOCK ANY CHARACTER FROM BEING INCLUDED. ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE.
ANYWAY, THIS IS GETTING TOO LONG.
THANKS FOR READING.
REVIEW ALREADY SO I CAN GIVE YOU MORE SPUFFY MOMENTS.
1. EVERYONE IN WOLFRAM AND HART KNOWS THAT SPIKE IS HUMAN.
1. ANGEL NEVER TOLD BUFFY ABOUT SPIKE AND HE ALSO DIDN'T TELL SPIKE ABOUT
WHERE BUFFY WAS AND WHAT HAPPENED WITH DAWN. SO SPIKE THINKS THAT
EVERYTHING IS STILL THE SAME IN SUNNYDALE, EXCEPT FOR THE WHOLE
APOCALYPSE BEING AVERTED AND STOPPED YET AGAIN BY GOOD OLD TRUSTY SLAYER
BUFFY AND HER TEAM.
1. SPIKE ALSO THINKS THAT BUFFY AND ANGEL ARE TOGETHER BECAUSE HE SAW THEM
KISSING BEFORE HIS SO CALLED DEATH.
1. ONLY ANGEL, LILAH AND WOLFRAM AND HART KNOW WHO CONNOR IS. THIS WHO
CONNOR THING IS COMPLICATED BUT I'LL EXPLAIN IT AND YOU'LL FIGURE THIS
OUT ALONG THE WAY.
I DON'T NEED TO ELABORATE AND MAKE THIS AUTHOR'S NOTE SUPER LONG.
ANYWAY, YUP. THERE IT IS. I HOPE IM NOT FORGETTING ANYTHING. ENJOY AND DON'T FORGET TO REVIEW.
~*~
The silence in the Hummer was almost unbearable. Everyone remained hushed and there was no noise except for the revving of the engine beneath them.
Small sighs escaped Buffy's lips as she made every effort not to look at Spike.
She kept her eyes on Dawn's pale face but she was a million miles away, lost in her own world of troubled thoughts.
She wanted an answer for the miracle she just witnessed but despite how curious she was, Buffy stopped herself from opening her mouth and asking him or anyone else in the car.
Spike was doing the same, trying to ignore her or pretend that her presence didn't bother him in any way. He seemed more relaxed than his female counterpart. He had his back against the wall, his head titled back and his eyes closed. It was the only way he knew how to calm himself.
Spike wished for a cigarette then. Or better yet Vodka.
Fred and Connor remained silent because it felt almost wrong to break the silence. They both could see the tension between the two other people.
Connor kept his attention on the small child in his arms while Fred pretended to look through Wolfram and Hart's medical database from her laptop so that she would have something to do other than sit in discomfort and listen to the agonizing silence.
Everyone sighed with relief when the Hummer came to a stop and driver opened the doors and told them to get out.
Fresh air and noise was welcome any time.
Fred wished never to go through that again. It was almost self torture to sit there and not utter a word for so long.
Angel, Wesley, Gunn and Lilah met them inside Wolfram and Hart and they all made their way through the crowd that didn't seem to mind them.
Lilah directed them to the hospital wing of the building-another area that no one knew about.
She just smirked knowingly when Gunn asked why they weren't informed about this.
Dawn was laid on a stretcher and wheeled through the white sterile doors of the wing where half a dozen doctors, as well as Fred who took charge, clamored around her.
An I.V. tube was attached to her arm while another doctor check her vitals, did an X-ray scan and told everyone to step back as they worked on her. Blood samples were taken and her wound was inspected both for science and mystical research in the near future.
Buffy watched in silence, feeling quite useless and out of place. But she wanted to be near her sister, to be there in case--no, Buffy wouldn't let herself think that far ahead.
Dawn was going to make it.
Spike stood nearby, pretending not to pay attention to Buffy but actually watching her carefully from the corner of his eyes.
Connor and the child were brought to another section for medical 'testing.'
Angel kept watched; wanting to make sure that Connor was not harmed or threatened in any way.
Wesley disappeared earlier to continue his research on Dawn and the mysterious little girl while Gunn went somewhere to do something-no one knew exactly. At that moment, no one really cared.
They were too preoccupied with their own worries.
When the hustle and bustle with Dawn and the child finally settled, Buffy was allowed to sit with her sister and everything fell into silence again.
Fred, no matter how exhausted, sat in front of her computer and tried to find an explanation to Dawn and the little girl's sudden appearance and perhaps a cure to whatever it was that was slowly killing the slayer's baby sister.
She had a few of her team keeping a close eye on the two girls.
Wesley was doing the same and after a few tedious hours of flipping pages and decrypting ancient texts, he finally stumbled on something that might be of some potential.
Connor was sitting on a rather comfortable chair, his head rested on the side while his arm was outstretched to the bed, his finger curled around the little girl's small ones. The child was lying beneath the blanket that Fred had given her, her bony hands sticking out so that she could reach and hold Connor's hand.
It was strange how she needed physical contact for reassurance but knowing that someone was there for her, when Dawn could not, made her feel slightly safer and calmer.
On the other side of the room, Buffy was sitting next to Dawn, stroking her sister's hair softly, and making mental notes on how Dawn had changed in the last few weeks since her disappearance.
She had an old scar on her forehead and larger ones on her arms and near her wrists and Buffy had to wonder what kind of horror Dawn went through.
"Please be okay." Buffy whispered softly as she bent down to kiss Dawn's cold, pale cheek.
It tore at her heart not being able to help her, to just sit and be so helpless. It almost reminded her of their mother's death.
Buffy wished that there was something, anything that she could do.
On the other side of the bed, Spike was sitting on a chair, his back so straight he looked almost 'too' proper. He remained silent because he didn't know what else to do.
He wanted to console Buffy but that would be too strange, knowing full well that they hadn't seen each other in over six months and she believed that he was dead all along.
Suddenly, Buffy stood up without as much as a glance at his direction and left to find Angel who had also disappeared earlier.
Spike suspected as much and shook his head in disappointment.
************************************************************************
Buffy pushed the door open to Angel's office and stepped inside.
As usual, he was seated behind his enormous desk, with the drapes pulled back to let some sun inside the room.
He was brooding in silence. How typical, Buffy thought.
"We need to talk. Alone." Buffy said pointedly as she glanced at Lilah who made no effort to leave.
Buffy wondered why the woman was always by Angel's side.
Even she wasn't that clingy when she and Angel were involved.
The vampire nodded at the brunette to leave and Lilah smiled as if she knew a great secret that no one else did.
She left and shut the door behind her.
"Buffy." Angel said. "Have a seat."
She remained standing, an act of defiance on her part. She crossed her arms in front of her and glared at him.
"You knew." She said icily and Angel shifted in his seat. "How long has he been.....been-"
"Human?" Angel finished for her.
Buffy looked startled. It wasn't what she expected him to say but she suspected as much. "Yes. Human." She echoed.
"A few months, maybe two or three. I wouldn't really know. He just came to me for answers a month ago." Angel answered.
"And you couldn't tell me because?" She demanded.
"It wasn't my place." Angel answered softly.
Buffy scoffed. "I deserved to know the truth. You knew how much it.....it hurt me and yet you kept the truth from me."
"It wasn't my place to tell you." Angel repeated.
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" She snapped angrily. "You knew how important he was to me and yet you kept something this important all this time! You deliberately lied to me!"
"Buffy calm down."
"I am not calming down. How could you do that to me? How could you lie to my face for months?" She yelled.
"He asked me not to say anything."
"And since when did you ever listen to him or even do anything he asked?" She demanded furiously. Buffy couldn't bring herself to say Spike's name. It hurt too much. "I trusted you to tell me the truth."
Suddenly the door creaked open and Buffy silenced herself, heaving softly. Her back stiffened when she sensed him.
"I heard yelling." Spike said uncomfortably. He had taken a walk in the building and somehow he ended up in Angel's office.
Thanks to Lilah of course, who found him in the halls and intentionally directed him to the 'right' direction.
Just my luck, he thought to himself.
"We're busy." She said coldly, not bothering to turn and face him.
"I can see." He said brusquely. "I'll leave you two alone then." He said but Angel quickly rose from his seat.
"No, Spike." He said. "Stay. You and Buffy need to settle this." He said and Spike grudgingly relented.
He was not ready for a confrontation with the slayer and from the expression on Angel's face, she was mighty pissed.
Presumably about the little truth that he and Angel kept from her.
Buffy glared at Angel as he exited the room.
She'll thank me for this later, her reminded himself.
And he didn't want to stay and endure the yelling from Buffy. True, he deserved some reprimanding from her for keeping the secret about Spike's whereabouts and current state but still; he preferred to be anywhere else at that moment.
The door slid shut and Angel was gone. Only Buffy and Spike were left in the room. She kept her back towards him, refusing to look at him.
Spike refrained from moving and stared at her.
"Did you ever plan on telling me or were you going to let me believe that you were dead forever?" She asked. Her voice was stiff and tense and judging from her posture, Buffy was restraining herself from letting loose her anger.
Still, she kept her back towards him.
Spike shrugged and Buffy could almost see him doing it. How like him to just shrug.
"If you ever needed me, I would have gone back to tell you."
She wanted to say that she needed him, always did, even before she knew it and maybe always will but she didn't.
"And when was that?" She demanded. Finally she turned to face him, her face grim with anger and a mixture of hurt and disappointment.
"Up to you, love." He replied. The words came so easily and out of habit that Spike bit his tongue.
"No, it's not up to me. How could it be up to me when I had no clue you were alive?" She asked in frustration, her face twisting into a scowl. Buffy had visions of just walking up to him and slapping him across the face but she didn't.
She wouldn't dare herself to go so close to him. Any sort of physical contact was not what she needed right now. Especially not from him.
She wanted answers. She needed them.
"When the time was right, I would have told you. I needed some time to think." He replied.
"And so you and Angel thought it would be fine and dandy to let me believe that you were dead all along?" She asked in disbelief.
"Hey, I did you a favor-you and Angel. You should be grateful." He said when Angel's name was brought up. "With you still thinking that I was dead, you and the poof could finally live happily ever after."
Buffy sighed loudly. "Have you lost your mind?" She shrieked. "Can you not see that Angel and I are long over? Did you not hear what I said to you before you died?"
Spike shook his head. "You can't blame a guy for thinking that way. You and Angel are meant to be, isn't that what you've always said to me? To everyone? And just because you said those three little words to me does not mean that you meant them. Hey, you thought I was going to die anyway, right? So what's the harm in telling me a little fib?"
With that said Buffy walked over to him and slapped him. She didn't want to but it was the only thing that she knew how to do at that moment.
"For over six months, I grieved you. I cried for you. I buried an empty grave for you because I believed that you earned that at least. Because I owed it to you." She declared heatedly.
"Just like you thought you owed it to me to tell me you loved me even when you never meant it?" He dared to ask the question, but like her also needed some answers.
"I meant those words. I would never have said it if I didn't." She replied, hurt written all over her face. Why couldn't he accept the truth now?
Hadn't he always wanted her to tell him that she loved him? That she felt the same?
Why not listen to her now when actually told him the truth?
"No, you didn't." He declared firmly, his blue eyes hard with anger. "I'm not a fool Buffy. Before you said you loved me, you were kissing Angel."
She looked shocked but she said nothing to deny it. She searched in the back of her mind when he saw them kissing but it didn't matter now. Buffy only wished he stuck around long enough to hear what she said to Angel in the cemetery.
"It doesn't matter if I kissed him. The point is you kept this from me. You were alive this whole time and you kept me and everyone else believing that you weren't. Or am I the only one who isn't in on this?" She said angrily.
Spike scoffed.
He had enough.
"What did you expect me to do? Do you honestly think that I knew that I was going to become human? What was I supposed to do? Leave you a little post-it note saying, 'hey Buffy, when this is over don't forget that I'll be human. Maybe you'd like another chance?'" He retorted sarcastically. "And what made you think that I would have gone running back to you? I loved you more than I ever loved anyone my whole life, vampire or otherwise, but despite what I did, you kept pushing me away. I did everything for you and it was never good enough! I got myself a soul and in your eyes, I became worse of a monster. I was never enough!" He yelled. "I have to admit that there were times that you stood up for me and that you were actually kind but did you bloody well think that you would always have me or any man out there by treating me like trash day in and out?"
She stepped back as if he had slapped her. "So this is my fault?"
He sighed. "Not entirely but you did play your part. The world does not always revolve around you and your needs, Buffy. Now, I'm sorry for lying, for having Angel deceive you and your family. Perhaps, you deserved more than that but it was my decision and I needed time for me. I needed to find myself."
"And it was more convenient not to have me around, is that it?" She asked truly hurt.
"It made things clearer not to have you there. I needed to set things straight with myself. Besides, I also believed that you and Angel were back on your love fest." He smirked at that.
"You could have always asked." She whispered.
"And what if I was right? What would I have gotten out of that?" He queried.
"The truth." She replied. "We could all have gotten the truth we needed and a lot of hurt could have been avoided."
He shrugged. "We'd still be hurting no matter what. That's how our so- called-relationship went. Hate, hate and more hate."
"It wasn't 'so called'. It meant something. And it wasn't all hate." She replied.
Spike nodded incredulously. "Right I forgot. I loved you but I was your personal punching bag, body guard and a perfectly good lay." He sneered. Humanity made him resentful, more than usual.
"Stop it."
"Just saying some nasty truths, love. Isn't that what you wanted?" He retorted.
"You meant something." Buffy pressed. "That's up to you to believe it or not."
"Fine." He replied.
Buffy looked at him, wondering what to do now. She was hurt and angry and she wanted to lash out at him but for the life of her she couldn't.
She was just so overwhelmed and happy that he was back. That there was hope still, that she might be able to make up for the mistakes she made with him.
But what hurt her most was that no matter how hard she tried, he wouldn't believe her when she told him how she felt. Add that to the lies she was fed and it evened out to more hurt.
"Congratulations." She whispered dejectedly.
"For?" He asked, slightly confused.
"You win." She said sadly.
Spike frowned. "This was never a game, Buffy." He said firmly.
"Whatever." She said and walked past him and out the door. Buffy sighed once the door shut behind her.
She looked back, half expecting him to follow. But the door remained shut and Spike never came out.
She shook her head, thwarted and hurt and walked back to the infirmary where Dawn waited for her. Tears stung her eyes and she tried to calm down.
She didn't want anyone to see her crying.
Now she knew how it felt when she treated Spike that way. Buffy swallowed her tears.
The truth always did hurt.
~*~
A/N: A FEW QUESTIONS TO MY READERS:
1. WHO KNOWS WHO THE LITTLE GIRL IS? AND WHY IS SHE SO ATTACHED TO CONNOR?
MAKE A GUESS. I DON'T CARE.
1. WHO KNOWS WHAT'S WRONG WITH DAWN? I LEFT HINTS ALL OVER THE STORY
PEEPS. ESPECIALY IN THIS CHAPTER. SOMEONE SHOULD FIGURE IT OUT AND IF
NOT, WHATEVER. YOUR REVIEWS ARE GOOD ENOUGH.
1. ANY GUESSES ON WHO THE GUARDIAN IS? IF YOU FORGOT ABOUT THAT, I
MENTIONED IT IN THE PREVIOUS CHAPTERS. WESLEY READ SOMETHING ABOUT IT.
IF ANYONE HAS A SUGGESTION ON WHAT THEY WOULD LIKE TO SEE HAPPEN, WHO THEY WANT TO COME BACK, FEEL FREE. I DON'T CARE HOW WEIRD OR DIFFICULT OR UNLIKELY YOUR IDEA IS. ONE THING I WONT DO THOUGH IS BLOCK ANY CHARACTER FROM BEING INCLUDED. ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE.
ANYWAY, THIS IS GETTING TOO LONG.
THANKS FOR READING.
REVIEW ALREADY SO I CAN GIVE YOU MORE SPUFFY MOMENTS.
