Because ffn has decided it has a problem with the Owner's Guides format, or maybe just a problem with me, the Owner's Guides to Silmarillion characters are now part of a side-story to the 'Care and Training of Elves.' Our heroine is searching Middle-Earth to find the missing scrolls of the Annals of Catoë. In her journey, she has come to the Mines of Moria to seek her book in the Chamber of Marzabûl, the Dwarves' hall of records. Feel free to ignore the story element, but please enjoy the guides! For the full backstory, in case you actually care, see 'New Owner's Guide to Care and Training of Elves' in the LOTR section.
The Chamber of Marzabûl: Túrin
"Ah, ah, ah…CHOOOO!"
Mary Sue blinked and sniffled as the dust of the archives caused another sneeze. She had been under the mountain now for three days, and had yet to find another volume of the Annals of Catoë, the precious scrolls she had come seeking. Instead, Dîm the Doorward, her guide, was busy showing off every Dwarvish treasure he could get his hands on. They were becoming increasingly frustrated with each other, as Mary Sue had yet to be impressed.
At the moment, they were poring through the scrolls which Dîm's ancestors had 'liberated' from the ruins of Nargothrond, the fallen kingdom of Finrod Felagund. Mary Sue was looking for a very particular seal, the seal borne by the other five Annals she had already collected; first from the Mysterious Cloaked Stranger in Minas Tirith and then filched from the memoirs of the Stewards in the Great Library.
It was beginning to look hopeless. Dîm offered her scroll after scroll with similar-looking seals which he claimed had come to Middle Earth from other worlds. A great deal of them were written in English, to her surprise, but most of them didn't make much sense. The vast majority were fictional tales which seemed to falter and remained unfinished by their writers. A few were complete, but she didn't take the time to read even the more interesting ones. Dîm seemed to qualify anything written in English as 'strange and mysterious,' so the going was very slow indeed.
"Ah, here we are!" said Dîm for the umpteenth time that day. He was proudly waving around another scroll, looking just as dusty and plain as the others.
Mary Sue resisted the urge to glare at him and settled instead for a heavy sigh. Dîm offered her the scroll with his chest puffed proudly and grinned, watching her take it and perfunctorily glance at the seal.
Her heart began to pound. It was the same seal as the other Annals!
"Where did this one come from?" she asked the Dwarf sharply.
"Ah," he said, "That one is also from Nargothrond. Very special, that one is."
"How so?"
Dîm looked as though he wished he could hunker down conspiratorially with her, but as she was a good foot and a half taller, it was not possible. He settled for a conspirational whisper instead. "That one," he said in a low voice, "has a curse on it."
Mary Sue held the scroll out away from her and eyed it suspiciously.
"It is said," continued Dîm, "That that there scroll came from the hand of Mîm himself. He had it in his own possession when he died, and with his final breath he cursed it! Look there!"
With one stubby finger, he pointed to splotches on the case that looked suspiciously like bloodstains.
"That scroll brings woe and misery wherever it goes. Are you sure it be the one you're looking for?"
Drawing a deep breath to shore up her courage, Mary Sue replied, "Only one way to find out."
She untied the seal on the case and unrolled the mysterious scroll. When nothing jumped out of the shadows to smite her, she dared to read what was written on the page. Upon the scroll she read:
Túrin : The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual
*** CONGRATULATIONS! ***
You are now the proud owner of TÚRIN TURAMBAR! TÚRIN may be sold separately or
with NIENOR in the CHILDREN OF HÚRIN two-pack (specially marked two-packs come
with coupon for a free LALAITH). The son of the fairest of all Mortals, your
TÚRIN has no rival in beauty among Men. This doughty and eccentric unit from
the HEROES OF MEN series requires special care, so please read through the
entire manual before opening!*
*Note – All sales of TÚRIN TURAMBAR are final - no refunds or exchanges even
on unopened units!
TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS:
Name: Túrin, will also answer to Turambar, Neithan, Gorthol,
Agarwaen, Mormegil, Adanedhel, etc…
Type: Man of Dor-Lómion
Manufacturers: The House of Hador, Ltd., Children of Húrin Division
Date of Manufacture: 165, First Age of the Sun
Height: 6'9
Length: Adjustable. See supplemental 'Lay of Leithian' text, Spell of
Lengthening
ACCESSORIES
Your TÚRIN comes equipped with the following items to help him fulfill his
functions as a HERO OF MEN:
(a) Strangely Sentient Sword – may be either Anglachel or Gurthol model, with
or without bloodstains
(b) Dragon-Helm of Dor-Lómion
(c) Flask containing Water of Ivrin
(d) Large, heavy drinking goblet
(e) Suitably grubby fur-and-leather clothing
(f) Three sheets of name-tag stickers
(g) Travel-pack of lembas
(h) One complimentary companion unit – may be one of the following: NÍNIEL,
FINDUILAS, BELEG, or GWINDOR
(i) One complimentary foe unit – may be one of the following: SAEROS, BRANDIR,
BRODDA, or GLAURUNG*
*Due to parcel length, extra shipping charges apply to GLAURUNG.
*** CAUTION ***
TÚRIN is an extremely temperamental unit, so use care when opening and always
supervise his interactions with others.
INSTALLATION
Prior to removing your TÚRIN from his crate, have the following items on hand:
chloroform, bucket with warm soapy water, scrub brush, comb, razor, scissors.
Use the following procedure:
1.) Upon opening the crate, promptly drug your TÚRIN until he is safely
unconscious.
2.) Quickly remove item (e), suitably grubby fur-and-leather clothing. Discard
if desired.
3.) Use soapy water and scrub brush to clean your TÚRIN.
4.) Use comb, razor, and scissors to groom TÚRIN. Do a thorough job, as TÚRIN
will not give you another opportunity to care for his appearance. Any
further attempt to do so may prove fatal.
5.) Dress your TÚRIN in appropriate clothing (optional).
COMPATABILITY
Your TÚRIN has three pre-programmed modes of operation:
*Gloomy
*Tormented
*Suicidal
*Gloomy is the standard factory setting. In this mode TÚRIN can safely
interact with most other units except for any FORCES OF DARKNESS. However,
accidental harm may come to even friendly units, triggering TÚRIN to switch to
either *Tormented or *Suicidal modes.
TÚRIN gets along well with most ELVES, having been fostered by a THINGOL unit.
Major exceptions include the SAEROS unit – it is recommended that you withhold
both items (a) and (d) when your unit interacts with a SAEROS. Unfortunately,
as TÚRIN is a lightning-rod for sudden calamity, even friendly ELVES tend to be
damaged or killed after interacting with TÚRIN. Therefore TÚRIN should be
carefully supervised when interacting with GWINDOR, BELEG, ORODRETH, or
FINDUILAS. TÚRIN is especially fond of BELEG, and allow him to handle both his
sword and his helmet.
While TÚRIN is a MAN, he has a short temper which is easily provoked. TÚRIN
units are hostile towards most MEN and DWARVES, and death and injuries
frequently result from interacting with them. TÚRIN has friendlier attitudes
towards units related to himself, including all those
manufactured by House of Hador; however, this does not cancel out his
lightning-rod effect.
TÚRIN will gleefully slay any complimentary foe unit.
OPERATING PROCEDURE
Not only is your TÚRIN ruggedly handsome, he also
comes pre-programmed with numerous skills. TÚRIN can make himself
useful performing many household tasks.
Household Defense: Your
TÚRIN is both aggressive and combative. He is hostile towards all strangers and
many friends. With TÚRIN guarding your door, you will no longer have to worry
about marauding ORCS, distant relatives, or raving FANGIRLS.
Travel guide: TÚRIN has
seen a great deal of the world! He is adept at planning long trips and will
unfailingly guide you and your party to every worthwhile attraction, no matter
how dangerous.
Hunter: TÚRIN is handy
with both bow and sword and seldom fails to kill something every time he leaves
the house.
Motivational Speaker:
This HERO OF MEN is a born leader and will quickly incite even the most
peaceful of peoples to sudden and bloody riot. Also useful in situations where
usurping authority is necessary.
Children's Guardian: If
your children are having trouble with bullies, let them take TÚRIN along to
school. TÚRIN can out-bully any kid on the block, although he can be defeated
in a staring contest. Be wary if his mother is insulted – death and injury may
result!
TÚRIN comes with the following software installed: Curse of Morgoth, Blind
Wrath, Guilt-Induced Madness, Filial Rage, Petulant Sulk, Incestuous Relations,
and his standard OS, Walking Disaster.
CLEANING
As a HERO OF MEN, TÚRIN requires less personal grooming than many other units.
In fact, it is best to allow your TÚRIN to look after himself completely in
this area.
***WARNING*** Do not, under any circumstances, make fun of your TÚRIN's
appearance should he fall behind in his bathing. Do not attempt to clean him
yourself. The mere sight of a comb in your hand may provoke his Blind Wrath
program and TÚRIN may attack you using item (d). This can result in serious
injury or death!
PRECAUTIONS
TÚRIN son of HÚRIN is a magnet for bad luck. He must be supervised at all times
lest his actions have unfortunate and tragic consequences.
***WARNING*** Do not, under any circumstances, try to awaken TÚRIN when he is
in Rest/Recharge mode. Any attempt to do so may prove fatal!
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
Q: My TÚRIN acts moody and depressed all the time. He has
frequent accidents and is often violent. What is wrong?
A: Nothing. Your TÚRIN is simply carrying out his standard programming.
Q: Last week I sent my TÚRIN to the grocery store to run errands. He
insisted on driving himself but promptly backed the car over the family dog and
hit a school bus on the way back!
A: Congratulations. Your TÚRIN is functioning perfectly.
Q: My TÚRIN has gone on a rampage! He rallied half the neighborhood into
making war on the other half, then turned around and slaughtered most of his
own troops!
A: You are beginning to get the idea.
Q: Why is TÚRIN such a loser?
A: Your TÚRIN has the Curse of Morgoth programming installed;
this is standard for all HÚRIN-related units. It ensures that what he desires
he will not gain and all his designs will go awry.
Q: Is there any way to remove his Curse of Morgoth software?
A: Set your TÚRIN to *Suicidal mode and the problem should take
care of itself.*
***NOTE*** The House of Hador, Ltd. is not liable for
any mishaps which may or may not result.
TROUBLE SHOOTING:
Problem: Your TÚRIN pays no attention to your NÍNIEL unit but shows
great interest in FINDUILAS and appears to have only one hand.
Solution: You have accidentally been issued a BEREN unit, another one of
the HEROES OF MEN series. If you, for some strange reason, still want a TÚRIN
instead, return BEREN with receipt and an exchange TÚRIN unit with a coupon for
a free BELEG will be sent to you.
Problem: Your TÚRIN doesn't live up to his hype. He sulks and mutters
properly enough, but his appearance leaves much to be desired.
Solution: Your TÚRIN is actually a GOLLUM. You may or may not wish to
make an exchange.
Problem: Your TÚRIN threw a temper-tantrum and ran off. He refuses to
come home and instead skulks in the woods with unsavory characters.
Solution: Obtain a BELEG unit and send him after TÚRIN. BELEG comes with
Faithful Companion programming and will not fail to find and comfort
TÚRIN.
Problem: You followed the above procedure. However, your TÚRIN came home
with his sword bloody and there is no sign of BELEG. Now TÚRIN seems to have
gone into *Tormented mode and you cannot snap him out of it.
Solution: Unfortunately, your TÚRIN has likely slaughtered BELEG. This
happens. To cure your TÚRIN, have your GWINDOR give him a swig from accessory
(c), flask containing the Water of Ivrin.
Problem: Your TÚRIN is still depressed after consuming accessory (c).
Solution: Encourage your TÚRIN to change his name and he will be fine
until his next disaster. Utilize accessory (f), name tag stickers, to avoid possibly
tragic confusion. [Note: If you have a NIENOR unit, you may wish to give her a
sticker or two as well in case she encounters a GLAURUNG, which is known to
spontaneously reprogram other units.]
Problem: TÚRIN is still mopey and beginning to operate in *Suicidal
mode.
Solution: Distract your TÚRIN by paying extra-special attention to him.
Offer to sharpen his sword, or to polish his Dragon-Helmet. TÚRIN is fully
functional, so be sure that all his needs are being met. (If desired, you may
purchase a replacement BELEG to carry out these tasks.)
FINAL NOTE – GUARANTEE
Due to the mercurial and schizophrenic nature of TÚRIN TURAMBAR, we sadly
cannot make any guarantees. Nor can we accept liability for damage to any other
units which may occur when interacting with TÚRIN.
Your best chance for incident-free operation of TÚRIN is to pair him with a
NÍNIEL unit and keep them far, far away from any DRAGONS, cliffs, or pointy
objects. Best of luck, and enjoy!
* * * *
Mary Sue gaped. "What the heck is this thing? Why would anybody want one of these awful things!?"
Dîm, who had been listening to Mary Sue reading aloud, shrugged his bulky shoulders. "Beats me. Although I begin to see why old Mîm the Fatherless would have laid a curse on it. Are you going to keep it?" he asked.
"No!" She hastily dropped the scroll in disgust. "Why would anyone want that?"
A little irritated over her disrespect for the treasures of the Dwarves, Dîm retrieved the scroll from the dusty floor and reverently rolled it back up into its case. "Perhaps they felt sorry for the poor thing," he muttered, trying to politely point out that pity was the reason he was helping her in the first place.
Mary Sue actually thought about this for a few moments. Her tone was a little softer when she answered, "Perhaps you are right." It was all she would say on the matter.
Shrugging again, Dîm returned the scroll to its resting place among the other forgotten annals of Nargothrond. "Come, lass, there are plenty more scrolls to search. I think we have a pile of Elf-scrolls from Gondolin around here somewhere…"
Taking up his torch once more, Dîm lead the way through the sheaves and stacks of archives in the Chamber of Marzabûl.
NEXT: EÖL
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The Owner's Guides format of course belongs to Theresa Green, and is used with her generous permission.
All reviews were lost when the OG were taken down. *sob* Be kind, review us again!
~TA
