Mary Sue's quest continues. She has finally found the Sixth Annal of Catoë and is searching now for the Seventh. But will she find something even more interesting?
The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual format of course belongs to Theresa Green and is used here with her generous permission.
3. The Chamber of Marzabûl: Eöl
Mary Sue crowded close behind Dîm's torch. The Chamber of Marzabûl certainly was a creepy place! Every now and then she fancied she could hear skittering feet in the darkness. Not the rough, clomping feet of the Dwarves, either, but sinister sounding sneaky-feet. She wondered why in the world the Dwarves prized this place so much. She knew enough about Middle-Earth to know that previous attempts at re-colonization had failed, yet a few hardy souls still dared its sunless depths – fortunately for her. Dîm son of Dundur was one of these, and the Doorward of Moria had agreed to guide her to the hall of records in search of the lost scrolls.
The scrolls had come from a distant world, according to legend, and were written in an English hand. The Elves had cursed the scrolls and banned their knowledge, scattering them to the distant corners of Middle-Earth. Now Mary Sue was on a quest to re-gather the forbidden Annals of Catoë, a quest which had brought her into the dark halls of Moria, the Black Pit. Among the treasures of the Dwarves were numerous Elf-scrolls which had been gifted, or 'liberated', over the years and now lay gathering dust. Mary Sue had finally found one of the Annals in this dark place, and was hoping against hope that Dîm could lead her to another one. She had already found a few other interesting scrolls written in the same hand as the Annals, but which were obviously part of something else. One of these, which bore the same seal of Catoë, was the Scroll of Finrod, which she had carefully tucked away with her other six scrolls. She wanted to study that one more closely later. Another was the cursed Scroll of Túrin, which she had gotten rid of as quickly as humanly possible.
Now Dîm was sorting through another moldy and mildewed pile of scrolls. Mary Sue really couldn't blame the Dwarves for not keeping their library in better shape. She'd never been all that fond of books until now, but Dîm at least seemed to be a little embarrassed.
"These here," he was saying, "came from the archives of Belegost. That Dwarf-realm is no more, but some of their treasures ended up here."
He blew dust off a few of the top-most books and scrolls. "They used to be in friendship with the Elves, until the Betrayal," he continued, making a face. "But in those days there was even an Elf who would go to visit the Dwarf mansions and stay with them on festival days. Some folk thought he must have been the Prince of Elves, but long ago he stopped visiting and no one ever found out why. Many a tale's been sung about the sadness of the Dwarves when their Elf-friends forsook them. They are all gone now, the Elf-friends of old…" Dîm's voice trailed off sadly.
Mary Sue shifted a little impatiently. "Have you found anything?" she asked, reminding him she wasn't here for a history lesson.
Dîm shook himself out of his reverie. "Sorry, miss," he said gruffly, sounding anything but. He pulled a battered scroll case out of the pile. This one looked like it had seen better days, but the seal on the case was unmistakable. It was the same as the other Scrolls of Androgynous.
Handing it to her, Dîm waited patiently as Mary Sue stripped off the seal and read the contents of the scroll aloud. Upon the scroll there stood written:
Eöl: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual
*** CONGRATULATIONS! ***
You are now the proud owner of EÖL, the dark smith of Nan Elmoth! Thank you for giving a home to this misunderstood and much-maligned Dark Elf. If you follow these instructions and treat him right, you'll find that this quirky and eccentric unit will give you at least several years of faithful service. Once you have an EÖL, you'll never be able to get rid of him!
TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS
Name: Eöl the Dark
Type: Dark Elf (male), Sindarin
Manufacturers: Moriquendi Ltd, Nan Elmoth
Date of Manufacture: Before the Trees
Height: Stooped, indeterminate
Length: Guaranteed superior to Noldorin units.
ACCESSORIES
EÖL is not happy unless he has something to occupy his hands. The manufacturer therefore provides these useful accessories:
(a) One set of Suitably Intimidating Galvorn™ Armor
(b) One set of metal-smithing tools
(c) Kit containing various raw materials including:
i) Iron ore
ii) Gold ore
iii) Precious stones
iv) Chunk of radioactive meteor
v) Raw mithril
(d) One anvil
(e) One hammer
(f) One set of tongs
(g) One javelin, poison-tipped
(h) Assorted Silent Servants
INSTALLATION
To reap the full benefits of your EÖL, installation is a critical process. EÖL is programmed to imprint on the first female he sees upon being taken out of the crate. Use the following procedure to insure success:
1) Place crate in a dark and secluded area, such as the basement or your closet. This is where EÖL will be spending most of his time.
2) Dress yourself in a filmy white gown and try to look as distressed and helpless as possible.
3) Open the crate quietly and allow EÖL to observe you from your most flattering angle.
4) You will know imprinting has been successful when EÖL invites you to join him in his crate.
COMPATABILITY
Your EÖL has three pre-programmed modes of operation:
*Reclusive
*Romantic
*Homicidal
While *Reclusive is the standard factory setting, it will take the owner some time to learn the very subtle differences between the three settings. In *Reclusive mode, EÖL will avoid interacting with any other units to the extent which he is able. Your EÖL will only switch out of *Reclusive mode if he is properly imprinted onto a female.
In *Romantic mode, you'll find EÖL becomes terribly possessive and jealous. He will put his smithing accessories to good use and will forge lovely gifts for you. He will have a hostile attitude towards all your relations and anyone else who speaks to you.
Try to avoid running your EÖL in *Homicidal mode unless you have tiresome company that just won't leave, or FANGIRLS who are harassing your other ELVEN units.
EÖL is not particularly inclined to interact with any other units of any kind. He is hostile towards MEN and ELVES alike, and inspires no love in any of AREDHEL's relations, especially TURGON. EÖL has special enmity for any units of the SONS OF FËANOR series, especially CURUFIN and CELEGORM, who are known to bully EÖL.
There are two exceptions to his general hatred. EÖL will willingly interface with AREDHEL units (for instructions please see AdultFanFic.net). If you allow your EÖL to interface with an AREDHEL, you may find that a MAEGLIN will result. EÖL is also generally friendly with any and all DWARF units, even those which have been set to *Slash mode. In fact, if you look at EÖL and DWARF units side-by-side, you will see they are practically made for each other.
OPERATING PROCEDURE
Aside from being a nice decoration, EÖL is very highly skilled and has talents that can be put to a number of good uses around the house.
Security: EÖL takes the privacy and defense of his home very seriously. Absolutely no unwelcome persons will defile the sanctuary of your house if you allow EÖL to take charge of greeting visitors. With a lesson or two in modern electricity, EÖL will gleefully install a lethal-voltage fence on your property.
Repairman: You will find that EÖL is extremely derisive of shoddy workmanship. Upon his arrival, he will immediately go through your house and destroy any and all objects of inferior Noldorin make you may have around and forge suitable and superior replacements.
Home Improvement: Planning any remodeling to your house? Allow EÖL to plan and execute your spacious new additions! You'll find that he excels at forging locks and bolts, building secret hideaways, and very tall fences.
Tracking: EÖL's stubborn persistence makes him an ideal tracker. Once he sets out to find someone or something, nothing will deter him until he finds his quarry or his death.
Masseuse: Oh, yes. EÖL is very good with his hands, and his talents extend beyond mere metal-work. Put yourself in his capable hands, and you'll find that EÖL gives a first-rate massage.
Entertainer: Despite his reticence, you will find that EÖL is a hit at parties, especially with children, thanks to his amazing 'Talking Sword Trick.'
EÖL comes with the following software bundles installed: Smithing for Dark Geniuses v2.0, Dysfunctional Parenting v2.2, Marriage for Dummies, Unrelenting Pursuit, General Enmity, and Marksmanship v3.1*
*Note: Due to numerous bugs found in this software after release, all copies of Marksmanship v3.1 have been recalled. You may find that this buggy software will affect your EÖL's performance with accessory (g). If you register this software, you will be sent a free copy of Marksmanship v3.2 as soon as it is released.
CLEANING
EÖL will submit to the same standard bathing procedure as any other ELVEN unit. Thanks to his metal-smithing hobbies, however, you will find that EÖL is frequently grungy, thus affording you the opportunity to bathe him as often as you like. In *Romantic mode, EÖL will eagerly return the favor.
PRECAUTIONS
EÖL is very sensitive to sunlight, and will avoid bright light when he can.
EÖL is also not fond of heights.
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
Q: My EÖL has threatened to 'stick me with his javelin.' What should I do?
A: In order to react properly and avoid a tragic mishap, it is imperative to know whether your EÖL is set to operate in *Romantic or *Homicidal mode. This can mean the crucial difference between a genuine death threat, or merely EÖL's idea of foreplay.
Q: Since arriving, my EÖL has been completely nocturnal. He sleeps all day and only comes out at night. Is this unusual, and how can I change it?
A: Unfortunately, this is standard behavior for all EÖL units. Your unit was manufactured in the forest of perpetual night, and it is impossible to replicate his natural habitat. He loathes sunlight and will avoid it if at all possible. This programming cannot be changed, so try to schedule your interaction time with EÖL accordingly. Besides, what were you really planning to do with EÖL you couldn't do at night, anyway?
Q: My EÖL came home beaten up this morning. He complained that 'those devious, treacherous sons of an orc,' had harassed him. What happened, and what can I do about it?
A: It sounds like your EÖL had a run-in with some SONS OF FËANOR. Find out who they belong to, and try to persuade their owner(s) to curb their behavior. If you are unable to come to a peaceful solution, then buy or rent a DIOR unit and pair him with EÖL. Together, they should be able to take care of the problem.
Q: There is a THINGOL unit in our neighborhood who has also been giving EÖL some trouble, and I know that DIOR won't to anything about him. What can we do?
A: Have EÖL use his smithing tools and raw material (c-iv) to forge a pair of Strangely Sentient Swords. If he gives one to THINGOL, he will be left alone. Be warned, however, that EÖL begrudges anything he is compelled to part with, so some of the dark heart of the smith will go into the weapon.
Q: My EÖL has threatened to 'stick me with his javelin,' and I know he is in *Homicidal mode. What do I do!?
A: If your EÖL is running Marksmanship v3.1, as long as EÖL is aiming at you, you should be perfectly safe. In addition, if there is an AREDHEL unit around, she will throw herself in front of you and the javelin will surely hit her instead. Yes, even this treacherous, faithless wench unit has her uses.
TROUBLE SHOOTING
Problem: You want to make a trip that will involve traveling by day, and EÖL insists on accompanying you.
Solution: You will not be able to dissuade EÖL, so by all means, take him with you. To protect EÖL's sensitive, vulnerable skin from the sun, give him thorough and frequent applications of sunscreen over every square inch of his body, just to be safe.
Problem: Recently you have noticed some strange red rashes on EÖL's thighs when bathing him that cannot be explained.
Solution: Ask around in your neighborhood and try to find out if there are any DWARF units nearby that have been set to *Slash mode. Be sure to thoroughly medicate your EÖL's beard-burns by gently rubbing his tender, inflamed flesh with a soothing lotion or other lubricant.
Problem: EÖL refuses to listen to your commands and instead gives you a dirty look every time you speak to him. You are afraid he may be on the verge of switching to *Homicidal mode.
Solution: Many people who have owned other ELVES have become accustomed to giving commands in Quenya. This will only provoke and enrage your EÖL, however. Do not use Quenya around him, and instead only give him commands in Sindarin or English.
Problem: EÖL seems depressed and despondent (more so than usual) and shows no interest in his forge or weapons.
Solution: Despite his skills and talents, deep down EÖL is very insecure and fears rejection and abandonment. Have his wife and son recently left him? Have you been paying enough attention to him? To cheer up EÖL, first reassure him that both he and his weapon are in all ways superior to the Noldor, then proceed to persuade him to give you a demonstration of his prowess. Never miss an opportunity to stroke your EÖL's…erhm, ego.
Problem: Your EÖL unit is sly and crafty as per his description and avoids sunlight as expected, but his appearance leaves much to be desired and he always reeks of fish.
Solution: Your EÖL is actually a GOLLUM. If you wish to make an exchange, please send proof of your purchase of EÖL along with GOLLUM back to the manufacturers and the correct unit will be sent to you.
FINAL NOTE - GUARANTEE
Unlike most other ELVEN units, EÖL comes with only a 20-year guarantee. We understand this is disappointing, so your EÖL package will come with a bonus coupon towards the purchase of a MAEGLIN. Whether you own these two units concurrently or not, MAEGLIN is bound to eventually follow in his father's fate.
Your best chance for incident free operation is to stay at home with EÖL forever and to never go anywhere, do anything, or see anyone. In addition, you should both stay away from perilous heights. Good luck and enjoy!
* * * * *
Mary Sue let the scroll roll closed again. She didn't know quite what to say. Dîm's bushy eyebrows had vanished into his hairline; it was apparent he was equally puzzled by the contents of the new scroll.
"Well," said Mary Sue at last. "That was…interesting."
Dîm grunted. "Gonna keep it?" The Doorward thought to himself that he wouldn't mind helping himself to that scroll if the girl didn't want it, but he wasn't going to say so until she'd made up her mind.
She thought about it. If the quest didn't work out, a talented Elf with a major inferiority complex might not be such a bad second choice. "I think I will keep it," she said, tucking the battered scroll in with the Scroll of Finrod and the six precious Annals she had already gathered.
The Dwarf just nodded. As long as she was hanging on to it, there was a chance he'd get the opportunity to take another peek at EÖL later.
"Well, come along, miss. There be a few more Elf-scrolls here and there. Perhaps we'll find another Annal of Catoë yet, before we're through!" Or maybe something even more interesting! he thought privately.
Nodding, Mary Sue followed the Doorward's bobbing torch through the darkness as he guided her through the Chamber of Marzabûl.
* * * * *
Ah, good old Eöl! He's a favorite of mine, poor fellow. Always thought of him as more victim than villain. I'm working on an Eöl POV vignette called 'The Sleep-Killer' about his thoughts on the first rising of the sun; the whole thing is supposed to work out as a metaphor for the Elven fear of change.
NEXT: The Limited Edition Maedhros/Fingon two-pack!
I tried to write them separately, but my Maedhros and Fingon muses kept sneaking off to the broom closet together! This one is my most favorite yet!
