Disclaimer: Not mine

A/N: These chapter might be coming a little slower in the future, because I'm working on a four part semi-sequel thing for this fic, but I don't want to post it until all four are finished. Next to that, I have started with my novel length fic Rifts and I might start another one soon, but I'm not sure yet. Either way, I won't stop writing chapters for this fic that I can upload immediately, so don't worry.

This one is pretty short again, but otherwise it would get boring and I don't do boring.

At Death's Door

Part 10: My Will Be Done

Rated: PG 13

Warning: Angst, OotP spoilers

I can't take this anymore. The stares, the gaping at my scar, the admiration for something that wasn't even done by myself, but by my mother, the accusations, the articles in the papers.... Everything.

I'm just an ordinary kid with infinitesimal amounts of both good and bad luck. Bad luck to have problems and evil wizards hunt and haunt me, and good luck to always get away from them in the nick of time.

The only problem with that is that, although my bad luck pulls everyone else with it, my good luck works only for me and because of that sometimes others don't come back alive when I do. After all, my good luck didn't save my parents, Cedric, Sirius....

I won't cry now, much too public place, it would probably even end up in the newspapers again. Boy-who-lived depressed, cause unknown. I can just visualize those headlines, and people's reactions to them.

I shudder at the thought of getting even more attention, especially like that.

Even Ron and Hermione are acting different, mostly because I told them about the prophecy, to kill or be killed. I think Hermione is just in shock, she'll probably come around if I give her a little more time. But Ron.... Now he's a whole different story. I think he hates the fact that everything always somehow revolves around me just as much as I do, and that's saying a lot.

I'm considering what's worse, everyone thinking I'm insane or everyone thinking I will save them all, which is exactly what most people do think ever since Fudge admitted five months ago that Voldemort was back.

And all it took was for Sirius to....

People actually come up to me and congratulate me on his defeat. I can't even grief for him, at least not in public, because I should be happy he's death. I can't be sad, because of what other people think of me, and I can't be mad, for exactly the same reason.

I can't be me.

I have to play the happy little Gryffindor, the happy little saviour, and all I want is to disappear, for people to leave me be. But I know that would never happen. I won't get any peace until the day I die.

I don't eat in the great hall anymore because of the stares, I take my invisibility cloak and go to the kitchens. I don't sit in the common room anymore, I now stay and make homework in the library, most of the time under that same cloak.

I've tried my hardest to disappear, but nothing works. If nothing else, it only makes it worse. Now people stare even more at me when they actually do see me, or maybe that's just my imagination.

I've started to distance myself from the others, which isn't very hard right now considering there was already a gap between us due to what happened last year and the prophecy on top of that. The distance makes is so much easier to go my own way, to do my own thing. Mostly meaning I avoid and ignore everyone as much as I possibly can.

The teachers don't interfere... yet. They know I just need some time, or at least I think that's what Dumbledore told them, that I need time. But time won't make Sirius come back, time won't make the staring and the attention stop.

I want to disappear.

My invisibility cloak helps, if only a little because I always have to take it off again.

I really just want to disappear.

I won't kill myself.

That would be like just handing the victory over to Voldemort and nothing's worth that, not even my fondest wish.

My wish to dissolve, go up in smoke, shatter.... Disappear.

As I walk towards the Gryffindor table in the great hall to make at least one appearance today, I can feel the looks. A heaviness falls on me and it becomes harder to breath. Of course I never respond to these feelings of panic, but the urge to sink through the floor becomes a thousand times stronger.

I don't want to be here, I don't want to be anywhere at all.

I just want to disappear.

At that exact moment I feel a strong wave of power ripple through me and then blissful nothing....

And all that the people in the great hall saw at that same moment was their saviour fading away into nothing.

Harry Potter was no more.

Now there was only despair.

End

Ah, four in the morning again. The things I do for my readers. :)

Review responses:

BigGator5, who was being a bit of a nag, but still liked the chapter. :p

Who wants to know? Thank you.

Seta Kaede, I already thanked you in Rifts, but once again, thank you for giving me the push to publish more of my work and thank you for the ideas, but I already have so many ideas for long fics written down and partially worked out. I think I'm going crazy. Oh wait.. I already am. :b

And for Miss-Aurelia, who's review made me not give up on this collection because of the few reviews I've gotten and gave me some more ideas to write. And you put me on your favourite stories list, wow, Thanks! By the way, I read your bio and I'm from Holland too. Surprise!!

 

One last note, I love new ideas and I write them all down, but I can't promise I'll write them. Simply because I write what my muses tell me to at a certain moment so I myself am never sure what I'll write next. Keep 'm coming though, I have years to go before I sleep.

Please tell me what you think and what you prefer, horror, humour, angst etc, the more reviews I get, the more I write.

It's not bribing, only the simple truth.