This is supposed to be in dialect. I don't really talk or spell like that. Tell me if you want to read more. Please review.

By Cookie

Oh, hi there. I'm Sgt. Eldridge Fletcher, but usually I go by Elfie, on account of I don't want that gettin' out. Not that there's anything wrong with it, it's just not for me.

I was stationed here at MASH 4077 about two months ago. And boy, does it seem like years. Ya see, what we do here is take care of wounded and get scared to death every time they start bombing us. By they, I mean the Communist Chinese and North Koreans. Whenever the shelling hits the camp, I think I'm a goner. But we get more cas'alties from the food here than anything. Now, I don't act'ally work on the unlucky fellas myself, 'cause I'm not edgicated for that. But we got us some fine surgeons here, and the hurt people couldn't be in no better hands. We got "Trapper John" McIntyre, my kind a' guy, and Benjamin Franklin Pierce, who goes by Hawkeye. Great guys, quite a pair. Even got a distillery in their tent! Their hobbies seem only t' be wimin an' lev'ty. Then there's Major Burns. The others call ol' Frank Ferret Face, for whatever reason I can't make out. He's, shall we say, not as skilled or talented as the other two guys. Not too smart either. He and the head nurse, a Major Margaret Houlihan, are having a "secret" affair that the whole dogged camp knows about. They're both very GI.

Oh, and Henry. Good old Henry. Colonel Blake is a good surgeon and a good man. A little friendly with the bottle I must say, and not a take-charge kinda guy, but a good man nonetheless.

Now, Radar's a curious little feller. 'Bout 5'4 and a little "uninformed". What's strange, though, is his "sy-kick-ness". The kid can see into yer head and hear the choppers a'comin' afore any regular person. Kinda scary if you ask me. Then there's Corporal Klinger here, says he's nuts and wears clothes like my mother-in-law. Looks like her too, but he's got better legs.

No one else believes him, they say he's just tryin' to get out on a discharge, but I'm not so sure. Y'all should see all what he does. But maybe not.

Those are the officers pretty much, 'ceptin' the nurses I don't know by name, an' Father Mulcahey, Catholic chaplain. I'm not Catholic, see, so I'm not knowin' him too good.

As I wuz sayin', those are the off'cers here and the just plain interestin'. If'n it weren't fer these peoples, this toilet wood be intolerable. Adds a little spice to our dreary days, don't it?

Well, I gotta git goin' 'cuz we are 'spectin' to git sum cas'alties in soon, and I'd better finish off my cigar first. Later!