Chapter Twelve: The Faults of Two
"After a second, he pulled away, startled and breathless. 'You don't know what you're getting yourself into, Sméagol,' he said.
"'I do.'
"'You can't. You aren't old enough.
"'I'm not much younger than you are,' I said, although I knew that when it came to life he was far my senior.
"'Déagol!' rang out my mother's voice from somewhere far away. 'Mistress Violet is asking for you!'
"'We'll discuss this later,' he said, his voice low and serious. He stood. 'Come into my room tonight after everyone has gone to sleep.'
"At dinner that night, he made no mention of his decision, and I worried.
"By half-past ten the smial was silent and I took my candle across the corridor.
"I found him sitting up on his bed, still dressed. I looked around his roon; it was sparse, the only things making it his being a book and Pearl's portrait on the nightstand. 'Sit down,' he said, and gestured to the end of the bed. I sat.
"'First of all,' he said, sighing and pushing back a stray curl, 'yes, I am attracted to you. Immensely.' I smiled, but then he looked into my eyes and I stopped. 'I've had lovers before, Sméagol,' he said. 'Two. Does that surprise you?'
"'Nothing about you surprises me,' I said truthfully.
"'Exactly, and that, my dear, is because you hardly know me.'
"'I love you,' I said.
"'You love a hobbit you have known for barely over a month. You love, Sméagol, what you have seen, and that is only a small part of my character.'
"'I don't care,' I said foolishly. 'I love you. You're kind and good and – '
"'Ha!' he said shortly. 'I told you I had two lovers. The second one was married. He offered me money to lie with him.'
"'But your father had was dead,' I protested. 'You needed money, you – '
"'I haven't finished, Sméagol. I never took so much as a copper piece from him, and yet our intercourse lasted most of a year. Why?' His face had a hardness I had never seen before. 'Because I lusted after him. Because he was beautiful and strong and gave me pleasures beyond anything I had ever dreamed of. You see, Sméagol, I am very weak.'
"'As am I,' I said. 'As are we all.'
"'Perhaps you are weak, but you are untainted. Am I right in assuming that I am the first person you ever kissed?'
"I nodded, embarrassed.
"'Sméagol, your head is full of romance,' he said. 'Of undying devotion, of sweet notions. I forgot those things long ago.'
"'You tell me many things,' I said, staring at him intently, 'but your actions speak louder than your words. We have spoken little, it is true, yet I have seen many things from you that I admire.' He broke the gaze and looked down at his quilt. 'I have seen a compassionate being, one who devoted himself to saving another.'
"'What if I told you I did it only for the money?'
"'Then you would be a liar.'
"He blushed, and I knew that I was right. Then something struck me in the way that lightening strikes, fat, hard, and undeniable. 'Yes, my dear, you are weak,' I said. 'This too I have seen. You are trying to scare me, to distance me, to convince me that you are unworthy. A hobbit who was truly as corrupt as you claim to be would have merely laughed and pushed me away, or else taken advantage and tried to seduce me. You are afraid. Afraid of me, afraid of yourself, afraid of us.'
"He finally raised his head and looked at me, his eyes clear and open. 'You are young,' he said, 'but you are not the child I thought you were.'
"'No.'
"'My first lover was wonderful,' he said. 'Sweet, and good, and with lips like melon. He was precious to me.'
"'Let yourself be precious,' I whispered.
"He moved forward so that our parallel faces were inches apart. He raised one hand and cupped the side of my face, stroking my cheekbone with the pad of this thumb. 'Together we could be strong,' he said.
"'Yes.'
"His stroking stopped and I closed my eyes. His lips brushed against mine – brushed harder – pressed – locked."
