The drive to the crime scene started off with an air of silence, neither of them speaking a word. Sara could feel his eyes on her every so often, but she refused to turn and meet his gaze, because she knew if she did, her resolve would crumble.
"I take it you told Nick and Warrick?" he asked suddenly, breaking the silence with his graveled voice.
Sara was taken aback when his voice cut through her thoughts, and it took a few moments before she could bring herself to answer. She knew he had a right to know, but somehow she couldn't bring herself to release her pain and speak to him with the gentleness she had always used for him. Closing her eyes, she turned to look out of the window, using the passing view as a shield for her welling tears. She couldn't let him back inside, not now.
"Sara?" he asked again, this time a little louder. "Are you okay?"
"God," she whispered, her voice filtering through as a whimper before she turned to him. Her eyes failed to hold the tears no matter how many times she tried to blink them away. Lifting her hand, she swiped angrily at an escaping tear, only having to return to the task as another fell.
"Sara…" he whispered, his shock registering in his eyes as pulled the car over to the side of the road. Only when the car had stopped did he turn around to face her. "What's wrong? Talk to me…"
Sara watched him with disbelief, was she hearing right? This man had all but ignored her for months and now he wanted to talk? "It's nothing," she told him quickly, the defiance in her voice wavering as a sob caught in her throat.
"You're crying," he stated. "Honey this isn't nothing."
His words caused a long distant memory to seep into her mind. He had called her 'honey' so long ago that sometimes she thought that perhaps it was only her wishful imagination. Lifting her eyes to meet his, she swallowed the lump in her throat. She hadn't prepared herself for this, for his gentleness. "I'm fine."
"No you're not," he insisted as he fought the urge to reach out and touch her hand. "I can't help you if I don't understand what's wrong."
His words cracked through her heart to bring a wave of anger to rise up through her like a lightening bolt. "I told you I am fine. This is nothing, okay. I'll be alright in a minute."
"Sara…"
"I said I'm fine," she told him again, her voice softer this time. Why couldn't he still be an ass? Why did he have to start being his self from so long ago again? Didn't he realize how much harder it would be for her to walk away if he kept acting this way?
"Okay," he nodded, his voice holding an amount of defeat as he started the car again.
Sara was suddenly compelled to touch him; her sudden need overpowering as she reached out to touch his arm softly. She withdrew it after a few seconds, but the touch had spoken volumes between them. Their silent communication echoed remnants of the past, one that had been forgotten or dismissed into the far reaches of time and space, but here, at this moment, everything passed between them in a soundless understanding. Grissom caught her eyes with his own and granted her a soft smile before pulling their Denali back out onto the road again.
They worked in companionable silence, their working prowess reliving memories of the past when they used to be linked together, moving as one.
Grissom watched her as she carefully gathered samples, her eyes scanning the ground around the victim's body with her undeniable scrutiny. He'd missed this. Had it been so long ago that he had been with her and revelled in watching her work? This, to him was sacred, a memory he would treasure forever. The more the realization dawned on him, the more he began to fear the inevitable parting. He couldn't let her go, not now, maybe not ever.
Feeling his eyes upon her, Sara glanced up to see him watching her. At first she looked down at herself, wondering why he was regarding her so carefully. She had often caught his silent scrutiny many times in the past, but he had always broken eye contact and looked away before she could question it. This time however, it was her who broke the contact, unwilling to lose herself in the very eyes that had captured her so many years ago.
Returning to her task, she tried to ignore the effect he continued to have over her, even now. Allowing a few seconds to pass she chanced another glance over towards him and found his eyes still watching, as if he was memorizing every detail of her. She smiled slightly, unable to hide the flush creeping over her cheeks. There was a time, long ago, when he would look at her and she would feel like the most beautiful woman in the world, but she couldn't dwell on the past, she knew that. But just lately it seemed the harder she fought, the stronger the urge became to be near him.
With a heavy sigh, she lowered her eyes and fought the overwhelming sorrow from imprinting itself into her features again. Soon she would be out of his life long enough to mute his presence from her heart. It wouldn't be easy, but maybe with her out of the picture he could get his life back together. She loved him enough to let him go. After all, he wanted it this way even though he would never willingly speak the words. His actions over the past year had all but spelled it out for her. She had just been unwilling to listen before now.
Grissom watched the smile fall from her face and felt the hand of regret reach up inside him to take his heart in a vice like grip. How could he have let things get this much out of control? Averting his eyes from the woman before him, he turned to David who was bent over the body to prepare it for transport. "It's all yours David."
The younger man nodded, his eyes flittering over towards Sara to offer her a shy smile. It was no secret that he had a crush on her, but he had always known that Sara was off limits for him as well as any other man who didn't bear the name of Gil Grissom. He watched her silently, her returning smile warming him considerably. Every time she granted him the gift of her warmth he held it close, embedding it inside his memories. Shaking himself out of his musings, he caught Grissom's glare and returned to the work at hand, content to bask in Sara's smile, one that would sustain him for a very long time.
Grissom turned away from David; his shoulders aching as he began the walk back to the stationary Denali. Sara felt the shift in his mood and prepared herself for the Grissom she had become accustomed to seeing over this past year, but when he turned to her and gazed upon her with such adoration, she lost herself completely.
"Ready to go?" he asked softly, his voice velvet to her ears.
"Yeah," she nodded quickly, hoping her body would stop this involuntary shaking. She couldn't fall now, not after everything that had happened. She had offered him everything, she had bared him her soul, and he had repaid her with misery. She had loved him, and still loved him, she knew that much would never change, but she didn't have to open herself to more of his hurtful torture. With silent defiance, her heart still flipped when he offered her another smile, and she knew the battle to remain in control was only just beginning.
When they arrived back in the lab, Sara took her samples across to Greg, while Grissom made his way to Trace. When he returned, he saw something that caused his heart to jolt painfully and his knees to almost buckle beneath him. Nick was approaching Sara in the corridor, and something about the love in his eyes caused Grissom concern. Nick's huge smile coaxed Sara closer and he reached out a hand to squeeze hers. "We got him."
The smile that appeared on Sara's face rivalled that of the light of a thousand stars in a dark blanket of night. She reached closer to him and hugged him quickly, her uncharacteristic display of affection brandishing a crashing pain of awareness through to Grissom's body. When had Nick and Sara become so close? How could he have missed this? He wanted to look away, but the power of the scene before him kept him grounded and he felt compelled to watch.
"Thank you," she beamed, her arms reaching for him again. "I knew you would solve this."
Nick held her closer, his head appearing over her shoulder as his arms encompassed her body. "I promised I would do this for you," he whispered, his voice lowering as he pulled back to look down at her. "And for Suzanne."
'Suzanne.' Grissom's thoughts were suddenly transported to the young blonde haired teenager who had affected Sara so completely. Suddenly, everything started to fall into place as the clouds fogging his memory began to clear away. Sara had worked so hard for Suzanne and he had only succeeded in preventing her from cleansing herself of the anguish. Instead he had only intensified the pain, adding to the steadily growing list of things he needed to resolve with her before she left.
Unable to watch any longer, Grissom turned away. He had screwed up royally, and he could now understand why she wanted to leave. This was his doing, his fault. He had driven her away because he was afraid to allow her to become close to him. What had he done?
TBC
