Thanks as always to Marlou and Burked for beta-ing and for everyone who has reviewed. Chapter Twelve

For a few seconds, Grissom could hardly breathe. Nervously, he peered inside the now open envelope, as if whatever was inside would leap out and shred his heart. With tentative fingers, he pulled out the tattered book, holding it in his shaking hands. He could feel the pain reaching out inside his body, numbing his senses as he realized that the book he held with such delicacy belonged to Sara.

The tension in his neck reared up higher to take his head into an aching strain, his mind reeling with questions and regrets. Placing the book on the desk, he opened up the envelope and pulled out the sealed letter inside, treating it with as much care as he had done with the book.

Every kind of scenario passed through his thoughts, any tiny detail that could piece together the puzzle that was Sara. As he opened the envelope and unfolded the single sheet of paper, he recognized the dread in the pit of his stomach.

Moisture sprung to his eyes as he tried to focus on the words that would in a few seconds no doubt shatter his soul into a thousand pieces. Blinking furiously, he tried to calm his breathing before he turned to the written letter, its hidden words terrifying him to his core.

Dear Grissom,

                      Please forgive me for leaving this way, but I just couldn't bring myself to look into your eyes and tell you goodbye.

                  I made myself a promise a long time ago that I wouldn't lose sleep over any man, but I guess I broke it when I met you. I know you don't see me as anything but a CSI anymore. I wish I could pinpoint the exact moment when we stopped being friends, but no matter how many times I go over and over it in my head, I can't.

           I don't want to be the woman that you despise anymore Grissom. I never wanted you to hate me so much, but whatever I did to hurt you, I am sorry.

        

       Take care, and know that I will miss you and everyone so much, but I can't stay anymore. You know that as much as I do.

      'The supreme happiness of life is the conviction of being loved for yourself, or, more correctly, being loved in spite of yourself.'

I guess Victor Hugo's words have a new meaning for me now. Goodbye Grissom.

Yours,

Sara

"Oh God," he groaned, his breath rasping in sheaths of painful echoes. How could this happen? Why hadn't he stopped her last night before she left his office? His mind cast over the previous night, his memories glistening into tiny droplets that coursed silently down his cheeks. He should have known, he should have called her back and straightened out this sham of an existence that he had seemingly been trapped in for years. Now, she was gone, taking her thoughts and her smile, leaving him bathing in emptiness.

Beside him, his pager beeped inside his pocket, its low hum cutting a mournful wail through the gloom. Placing the letter on his desk, he wiped his face with the back of his hand before retrieving the pager from his pocket. The very foundations in which he had come to depend on had now cracked open, sucking everything and everyone he cared about down into the dark chasm that used to be his heart. He'd driven her away; he had pushed her so far that she thought he didn't care. Oh God what had he done?

Sniffing back the emotion that ached to possess him, he lifted his pager to read the message that blinked at him furiously.

     'Please come to the directors office as soon as you arrive.'

Grissom stared at the words on the tiny screen, knowing that the official blow to Sara's departure would come soon enough. Her image suddenly found its way into his mind; bringing a painful wave of longing he hadn't allowed himself to feel before. He had no doubts about the impending conversation with Cavallo, but he couldn't allow his emotions to cloud his eyes. 

Turning his attentions back to her letter, he remembered her words saying she couldn't bear to look into his eyes and say goodbye. He understood it now, more than anything else in the world. He had been offered the love of a beautiful young woman and had been frozen by fear. Sara had been the courageous one; she had borne the pain of his seeming rejection, alone. She had been the one who was willing to risk everything to be with him, and he had been too blinded by terror to notice.

Closing his eyes briefly, he replayed their last conversation over and over inside his head. She had tried to talk to him in his office this morning, but as always she had sparked the panic and he'd cut her down before she had a chance to explain her actions. He hadn't meant to be so harsh. All he ever wanted was to be able to bathe in her beauty and relish her closeness. Loving her from afar had been the safe way out, the coward's way out. Yes, he was a coward, a lonely, empty shell of a man who had nothing.

His heart ached with heaviness, the burden of guilt laying heavy on his mind. He loved her, and he had driven her away. One way or another he needed her to know how he felt about her. His mind started reeling with endless possibilities from writing letters to calling her, but he didn't know if he could trust his tempestuous emotions right now. With new resolve, he caressed her letter, carefully folding it to return it inside the padded envelope along with the treasured book. Opening his desk drawer, he placed the letter inside, encasing it in security until he could go home and take a piece of her with him.

If she had taught him anything, it was to seize the moment and embrace every possibility. He loved her enough to try, he owed her that much at least. Pushing back his chair, he took a deep breath to steady his racing heart. He would meet Cavallo and keep with the charade; he would be strong, even if he were dying inside without her.

The walk to Cavallo's office took longer than he had anticipated. Every step seemed to plunge another dagger into his heart, splintering his resolve until he could barely breathe. Seeing Cavallo would only make Sara's absence that much more painful, but he had promised himself he would try, if for no one else but her.

Regaining his composure, he walked slowly up to Cavallo's door and lifted his hand to knock. He waited for a few seconds until he heard Cavallo's voice from inside, and opened the door quietly.

"I got your message," he said calmly as he projected his brave charade. "You wanted to see me?"

"Yes. Come in and close the door," Cavallo told him, waving him in as he searched through some papers on his desk.

Coming into the room, Grissom felt another presence before actually seeing the young man who watched him quietly. As Grissom turned, the younger man stood up, holding out his hand. "Dr. Grissom," he smiled. "Sara spoke highly of you, I am looking forward to working with you."

Grissom stared at him blankly; unable to find anything coherent to say that wouldn't betray his emotions. Instead, he offered his hand, shaking the younger man's loosely as he struggled to remember his name.

"I'm Jared Peters, Sara's replacement."

Replacement…Grissom could almost feel the breath chocking from his throat, and sat down in a nearby chair before he fell.

"Grissom, CSI Peters will be starting officially from today, his request not mine." Nodding towards the younger man, Cavallo offered him a strained smile knowing that the atmosphere in the room would change as soon as he broke the news of Sara's departure to Grissom. "Would you give us a moment alone please Jared," he asked quietly, his request adding to the tension in the room.

"Sure," he grinned. "I'll grab a coffee."

"Try the break room," Grissom offered helpfully, "it's not great, but it's better than the machine."

"Thanks." Standing up, Jared moved over towards the door to step outside into the corridor.

As soon as they were alone, Cavallo regarded Grissom, choosing his words carefully. "I suspect you already know what I have to tell you," he said with sympathy. "I know that you and your team have a close working relationship and I suspect that is why CSI Sidle wanted me to keep her departure from you until she had actually left."

Grissom stared at the other man, unsure what he was supposed to say to him. No words could soften the blow for his loss; no amount of soul searching could ever describe his feelings. Sitting up in his chair, he coughed a little to clear his throat. "We knew she was leaving us," he said softly, surprised at the strength in his voice. "I expect she wanted to leave with little fuss."

"Yes I think so too," Cavallo nodded. "Actually I have already spoken to her new supervisor and he seems suitably impressed by her attitude towards her work."

"Sounds like Sara," Grissom mused quietly, the hint of a smile on his lips. "Where exactly has she transferred to?"

"She didn't tell you?"

"I…no, we didn't really get the chance to talk about it actually." His voice dropped lower, the misery in his heart aching to know where she was.

"Oh," Cavallo nodded, "She's gone to Brunswick, Maine. As I understand it, she and CSI Peters have exchanged jobs and apartments for the duration."

"Maine?" Grissom asked calmly, even though the wail inside his heart was nearly tearing him up. "That's a long way."

"It is, and that in itself benefits our department as well as theirs. I'm sure there are certain things that CSI Sidle can offer her new department, she has more knowledge in some areas that could benefit another lab." Looking up, Cavallo watched Grissom carefully, "Don't you agree?"

"Yes," Grissom spoke up, his voice masking his pain. "She has a lot to offer."

Nodding slowly, Cavallo looked back down to the paperwork on his desk. "I trust you will introduce CSI Peters to the rest of your team."

"Yes, of course." Grissom, sensing this conversation was over, moved to stand from his chair and walk over towards the door.

"Good, good," Cavallo nodded. "I'll need to see Peters before he officially starts working for us, so if you could ensure he arrives…"

"Of course." Grissom nodded, as he pulled open the door to the outside corridor, escaping before his breath choked him.

Once he was outside again, he could feel the pressure burning inside his gut. He hadn't realized that losing Sara would hurt so much, and now that she was gone, taking part of him with her, he knew he had to contact her. He needed her.

Sara made her way into her new department building. It had felt a little strange when she came here a few hours earlier, but the other men put her at ease on her shift. Treyson held the door pen for her, and smiled at her reassuringly as he escorted her towards the small locker room. "It's a little small," he smiled when she looked around the tiny room, which held around 20 lockers.

"It's okay," she smiled, slipping her coat from her shoulders. "Which one's mine?"

"Oh," he grinned. "Sorry. Here, this is Jared's."

The second Sara pulled open the door she was met with a shrine of pictures, many of them women. Treyson gasped quickly when he suddenly remembered the strict instruction from Jared that he was supposed to remove them before she arrived.

"Oh God I'm sorry. Jared told me to take them down and I guess I forgot."

"Well it's a little different to what I'm used to," she laughed as he hurriedly removed the pictures to leave a blank metal carcass for her.

"Sorry about that."

"No problem," she smiled. "Really, it's cool." Reaching inside, she hung her coat up on a hanger and opened her bag to pull out a photo of her own. Gazing down at it, she smiled with the fleeting memories that encased her heart. Reaching up to the door, she took some of the blue-tack and stuck it to the back of her photo and placed it on her door.

"Boyfriends?" Treyson asked inquisitively as he gazed over the photo.

"No," she smiled, her eyes focusing on the photo of her, Warrick and Nick at a Christmas party two years ago. "No they're both friends."

 She had another photo in her bag, a photo of her and Grissom at the same Christmas party when they had been close. This one photo would remain hidden, until she experienced one of those rare moments when she needed to feel something, anything to prove to herself that she was still alive. The photo sprang into her mind to leave a trail of emptiness in its wake, and she found herself biting back the unending sorrow.

"You look pretty close," he observed.

"Yeah," she smiled, placing her bag inside the locker and closing the door. "I'm ready to work." She told him bluntly, ending the conversation as she tried to force the images from her mind.

TBC