Title: No Way To Say
Pairing: Harry/Hermione
Song: Powder Snow
Artist: Ayumi Hamasaki
Author: Nanja
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, etc. That's
J.K. Rowling's brilliant masterpiece and I thank her again for her brilliant
work!
A/N: Thanks for the reviews! Really sweet of
you all! I'm sorry The-biggist-Harry-Potter-fan,
that I didn't say what year they were in. This takes place after the fourth
year, because the death of Sirius wouldn't really fit in the story. Neither
would Harry's short relationship with Cho. Love you all, please review again!
And kudos to Nikki and the wonderfull soundtrack of Wolf's Rain!
Hermione turned the page of "Perfect Potions for Pesky
Persons" while taking a quick look at the clock. It was almost time for dinner,
but she did not feel like going. Outside, a strong wind raged and caused
students to come back inside. She shivered. Tomorrow night would be the
Christmas dinner and ball, and she was not looking foward to it.
Someone entered the library. At first, Hermione didn't want to look who
entered, but as she couldn't focus on her book anyway, she looked over her
shoulder. It was Cho Chang, surprisingly alone. She smiled at Hermione and
Hermione forced a smile back. It was not that she hated Cho, it was more
because of her mood that she could not even smile back normally.
Cho sat down in the corner opposite of her. Hermione started reading in her
book again, but it took her five more minutes to realise she had been reading
the same sentence over and over again. She felt being looked at and closed the
book. Cho was staring at her and she did not like it. She was not going to talk
to her and so she stood up and left the library.
~I want to be left alone.
I want to escape to a place where no one knows me.~
The corridors were crowded and Hermione quickly made
her way through all the students without noticing that some of them said hello.
She wanted to go to the Gryffindor common room, but before she could, someone
grabbed her arm and dragged her towards the Great Hall. It was Ginny.
"Hey!" Hermione protested, when Ginny put some food on her plate.
"Wrong word. You haven't been eating at all lately," Ginny said worried and
gave a quick nod saying Hermione should eat.
"I am just not hungry," Hermione said as she stood up
again.
"Leaving so soon?" Ron suddenly said from behind her.
Hermione did not say anything, sighed and sat down again. Ron joined them. Harry was nowhere to be found.
"Where's Harry?" Ginny asked, as if she could read
Hermione's mind. Ron shrugged.
"He went to find Cho, she's leaving today, for christmas."
"I thought she wouldn't go home?" Ginny replied, pouring in some tea for
herself and Hermione, who didn't really look as if she wanted some. Ron started
on his chips.
"She is now. He's upset," Ron said between chews.
Something snapped inside Hermione. She drank some of
her tea rather fast, ignoring the fact it was burning her tongue. Ginny stared
at her.
"You can tell us you know," she said, returning her attention to her own tea.
Ron raised his eyebrows. "She can tell us what?"
Hermione put down her tea and stood up again, but Ron grabbed her arm and
pulled her back on the bench. "I'm not telling you anything," Hermione snapped.
"Then I'm gonna tell what I think is wrong with you," Ginny decided.
Ron crossed his arms and stared at Hermione for a while, frowned and nodded at
Ginny. "Tell me, I can't figure it out."
Hermione shook her head, but Ginny did not pay attention to that. "She loves
Harry."
Ron dropped his jaw, Hermione knocked over her tea and Ginny crossed her arms
triumphantically.
"You DON'T!" Ron belowed.
Some students in the Great Hall looked round at him. He stood up. "You can't, I
mean, HARRY! Not, ... I mean ..." Ron turned around and walked out.
Hermione stared at the stains the tea had made. Ginny stared at her. She stood up and walked away as well. Their conversation was finished.
~That I'm wrong about that, that it's my
fault,
is all my heart has. I don't need tomorrow.~
Hermione made her way outside, into the chilly, dark
evening. Snow was falling down and covered her footprints. So Harry loved Cho.
She smiled bitterly. There had been so many hints towards it and yet she hadn't
seen it. How stupid of her to think Harry would ever look at her, the Muggle,
the smartass, the one who was always there for him ... It was not fair.
She walked around the frozen lake. It was a long path to walk, but she didn't
mind. She didn't care if it was past the allowed time to be outside. She knew
just what she was going to see when she'd return early: Harry, upset because
Cho left.
She turned the corner and left the path by walking into the forest. Through the
trees she could see the dark, starless sky reflect on the frozen surface of the
lake. A terrible feeling entered her heart and she tried to prevent her tears
from falling by staring up at the sky.
~Can I cry as much as I want to? Until my tears wither away...~
"So she's gone now?" Ginny asked Harry,
when they entered the Gryffindor common room together with Ron.
"She is," Harry answered short and sat down.
"So you're sad about that?" Ron said
without any compassion.
Harry frowned at him and Ginny sighed. "Ron, just because Herm-"
"Shut up about her," Ron cut her off.
"What happened?" Harry asked bemused, sitting up straight.
"Nothing," replied Ron.
Hermione walked and walked, deeper into the forest, losing sight of the lake and barely seeing the sky because of the trees that seemed to cover up all sight. Tears were streaming down her face, shakingly she turned around to find out where she had come from, but darkness had covered her way. Because of that, she hardly noticed it had started to snow again.
~The white snow flows and muffles my tears.
Please help me.~
"So what is it with you and Cho?" Ginny asked after a long silent period had passed.
Harry looked up at her. He really wasn't in the mood for this. "We're a couple," he answered simply.
Ron frowned surprised. "Are you a couple? Since when? Did you kiss?"
Harry laughed and Ginny pressed her lips together while narrowing her eyes. "You have no idea about Hermione, have you?" she suddenly asked.
Ron sighed and Harry raised his eyebrows in question.
"I think you should talk to her." With that, Ginny stood up and left.
Finally back on the path, Hermione slowed her pace down. A cold wind blew in her face, playing with her hair and the snow. Allthough she rather contradicted with her feelings, she knew it was better now Ginny and Ron both knew of her crush. Even though sometimes Ron could be completely inpenetrable, she knew he would not hate her for long. After all, it wasn't her choice to fall in love with Harry ...
~I don't have even one regret.
I've always been living in the present~
As if the snow was her new accession, she made a cup of her hands and watched snowflakes melt. She hypothesized that would happen to her love as well, slowely melt away. She let out a long and deep sigh and felt relieved nobody could hear her. It was such a strange feeling she had, love, as if it was totally different from what she had heard about it and read about it, as if it was a new feeling not yet discovered nor given a name. An abstruse, secret feeling she needed to hide and keep for herself.
But she hadn't. She started doubting wheter it was better that Ginny and Ron now knew about it... strange, how her mind could change over such things. They just knew, there was nothing to do about it, she had to stop complaining about that. But why was she so afraid, so timid about it? A little voice in her head had answered that already; 'they might tell him, they might tell him...' She shivered. She had to get back to Hogwarts and try to keep Harry from the truth. He should not know, he really shouldn't. And if he knew already, she'd just make up she didn't feel that way about him anymore.
~So that I don't leave even a single trace or footprint,
The candle melts down, this light is extinguished.~
Her walk back to the castle was restless.
Snow fell down at high speed and seemed to make everything to look so innocent,
so innocent she felt guilty walking through it and disturbing it's peace.
What if they had told them already? She asked herself again, completely
ignoring she had already found a solution to that. She was confusing herself,
something that rarely happened. She kicked the snow in front of her. This was
not helping her, all this was only making her more angry and confused. She
looked around. The peacefull frozen lake and the white snow contrasted sharply with
the dark sky, so much it hurt her eyes. She wished she could be part of that
peace.
~Can I scream at the top of my lungs? Until my voice withers away.
The white snow will forgive me for everything.
Please.~
She stared in front of her. Hogwarts was
ahead. Illuminated by fireflies and other creatures of the night that had the
ability to light up. She grinned for no reason. Her head was light and she felt
as if she could do whatever she wanted. Nobody was looking anyway. Nobody
cared, she would never get herself into trouble. Everyone knew she wouldn't,
after all, she was goody-two-shoes Hermione. PREFECT Hermione.
She sighed at prefect. Why couldn't it be perfect?
Suddenly she stopped walking and stared at the lake. It was almost fully covered in snow now and was a breathtaking sight, sparkling and reflecting stars from the sky. Everything looked so much more peacefull and beautiful when covered in snow.
~I spread my arms wide. I just want to
gather the shining snow.
But why? It's so fleeting...~
She walked on. It was getting to cold to linger.
But her thoughts lingered. Thoughts about
peace, love and thoughts about snow. How peacefull she wanted to feel, she
needed to feel ... Love made her confused and timid, unable to breathe properly
and unable to think straight.
She felt like crying again.
~Can I cry as much as I want to? Until my tears wither away.
The white snow flows and muffles my tears.~
But she didn't. Not again. Not now. Certainly not now.
Being a girl sometimes made her feel completely useless. As was being a Muggle. Being useless and discriminated sometimes. Maybe that was the reason she was trying to cover up and hide her feelings? Maybe because, if she did reveal them, people would discriminate her? Maybe even hate her?
Anger won the battle over her tears.
~Can I scream at the top of my lungs? Until my voice withers away.
The white snow will forgive me for everything.~
With mixed feelings, she entered Hogwarts again and didn't even bother to tiptoe or stay quiet. It was just her luck that nobody noticed her, when she entered the common room that late.
Not even bothering to look if someone was still up, she quickly made her way to her room, changed her robes into her night-gown and closed the curtains around her four poster.
She wouldn't be able to sleep anyway.
~Can I cry as much as I want to? Until my tears wither away.
Can I shout loudly? Until my voice withers away.
Can I cry as much as I want to?
Can I scream at the top of my lungs?
Until the snow stops...~
Sorry it took me a bit long to update! That won't happen again! Next chapter is up before Saturday! Review please!
