Don't Tell My Heart
Chapter 8: Attached
I have the strangest urge to write today. I have a stomachache, I'm beyond tired, it's 9:29pm on a Monday night, I spent like alll day working on my final essay for my winter class, and I have a final this week. And then I decide it's time to write a fic. Anyway, this is the last week of my only having one class at school, so I don't know what that's gonna do to my writing roll I've been on. Four classes next semester, one I really need to pass that I'm taking for the second time, and well, yeah. Anyway, I am gonna still try my hardest to keep writing away on the weekends, since I love it so much lately. And I've got to finish this series, I think it's been going on long enough with months between chapters! LOL. So that's my plan. Anyway, here's part 8. Like I said at the end of part 7, this is going to start skipping some time gaps. Just so you're on the look out for that.
Disclaimer: I don't own them, I never have, and I'm beginning to think I never will.
Maybe we should have had their parties together, Allison said to Monica with a laugh.
Yeah, maybe we should have, Monica realized. It was Autumn's fifth birthday, and the party was at the park. Schuyler's party had been the day before, at the same park. It was rather ironic being that they hadn't talked about what they were going to do for the kids' birthdays.
Maybe next year, she said with a smile. Gosh, I can't believe that my baby is five, she gushed. It seems like just yesterday she was born. Well, you know, she said, smiling and nodding at Monica. You do have one born the same day.
Yeah, I do know, she said with a sigh. Where does time go these days? Ever since I hit twenty-five it's been going by amazingly fast.
Allison agreed. Oh, God, and she's gonna start school in just a few months, she added, a look of realization crossing her face.
Well at least you know what to expect. You did this with Nancy and Micah, Monica pointed out. This is my first time, my first little baby all grown up.
Speaking of little babies, Allison added with a smile and nodded towards Chandler who was walking around with seven month-old Grace, who was watching everything that was going on. When are you gonna try for that boy?
Not for a while yet, please, Monica said with a laugh. I think I'll just enjoy Grace being my baby for another couple years or so.
God, he's so good with her. With them, Allison observed. I wish Michael had been like that with our kids. Allison rolled her eyes thinking about him. He loves them, but he just doesn't connect with them like, she thought about it and sighed, then nodded towards Chandler and Grace again, well, like that.
Monica smiled. Yeah, he's so great with them. I mean, they're five and seven months, and I can already see they're going to be two of the world's biggest Daddy's girls ever.
They already are, Allison laughed as she watched Grace break out in a giggle. She thought about something then looked at Monica before asking. Is Autumn's birthday as hard for you as Schuyler's is for me? I mean, knowing what we know.
Monica said quietly. I mean, this morning I couldn't help but think, Five years ago at this time they hadn't been switched yet,' and so on.
Me too, Allison agreed. I still haven't figured out this whole thing, she added. I mean, sometimes I think it's so unfair that this happened. Then I realized that by thinking that it means I wish I had Autumn and not Schuyler. And that's not... true. I mean, or is it?
You can't figure this out, Monica told her, still staring ahead at the kids. That's what I've figured out. There's no answer to this whole thing.
Chandler said as he approached Monica and Allison. He had put Grace back into her stroller and was moving it back and forth to keep her from getting antsy.
Hi Sweetie, Monica said with a smile.
Look how well they get along, Allison mused as she looked out at Schuyler and Autumn. They were climbing on the play equipment, laughing and giggling as they said things to one another. They were wrapped up in their own little game and completely happy.
I know, Monica and Chandler said together in one voice. Then they looked at each other and shared a smile.
They never fight, either, Allison added. Well, at least when Autumn is over at our house, they never ever fight.
Yeah, same when Schuyler is at our house, Chandler commented. The three of them watched Autumn and Schuyler happily play together, then run over and join the rest of the kids at Autumn's party.
They'd be lost without each other.
***
Can I just start tomorrow? Autumn asked as she nervously tugged on the hem of her dress to make sure it was straight.
The first day of school is today, Chandler told her, squeezing her small hand that she had entwined with his and not removed since they got to her new school. She was standing on the playground clutching his hand, not sure of what to do.
But Daddy, there's so many people here, she said. What if I get lost?
Then I'll come find you, he promised. You won't get lost, he added. He looked to Monica who was bouncing Grace, nine months old, on her hip.
she asked again. Chandler nodded.
Yeah, I promise. He looked at Autumn who had a look of fear on her face and wondered where the last five years had gone. He didn't have time to get all sentimental now, though. Let's go check out your class. Room, what was it, seven? That's a pretty good number for a class.
It is? Autumn asked, her fear lessening slightly.
Well, uhhhh, Chandler thought.
Because you were born in July, which was the SEVENth month, Monica finished. Chandler shot her a grateful smile, and she smiled in return.
That's true, Autumn realized. But still this is a new school and it's big, she said. You think Schuyler's nervous, too? she wondered as they approached her classroom and walked inside.
I'm sure she is, Monica assured Autumn. Hey, it looks like you've got some nice kids in your class, she added as they looked around. And that's your teacher. She looks nice, huh?
Yeah, she does, Autumn said with a smile. Maybe this will be just like preschool, only bigger.
I think it is, Monica said, patting Autumn on the head. You gonna be okay here? she asked her as Chandler took Grace from her arms so she could lean down and talk to Autumn.
Yeah, I think, she said as she looked around at the kids and the things in the classroom.
a tiny voice called out. Monica, Chandler, and Autumn's heads turned towards the door to see Schuyler with a huge grin on her face. Behind her was Allison, looking unsure of herself.
Autumn asked in disbelief. Why are you in my class? Did you come to see me?
This is your class? Schuyler asked, amazed. This is my class, too!
You're in my class? Autumn practically shrieked.
Schuyler said with the same enthusiasm.
Never mind, Mommy, Autumn said, turning back to Monica. I'm gonna be FINE! I'm gonna like it here.
***
Do you think she's okay? Monica asked Chandler for what seemed to be the one hundredth time that day.
She's fine, Mon, Chandler told her. She's used to being away from us, she's been to preschool and she plays at Schuyler's house all the time. Plus, Schuyler's in her class. That alone will insure that she's fine.
I guess you're right, Monica said with a sigh. But it's just that whenever she was in preschool, I was at work. Now I'm home and she's not here. And it's not only that, she said with a sigh. I mean, she's in school now! She's not such a little baby anymore. She's growing up. She's going to school, soon she'll be in high school, and dating and driving and graduating, then she'll go to college and leave us, then get married and have kids...
Monica, Monica, calm down, Chandler said. You're at least a good decade ahead of her here.
Monica sighed and looked at him. I guess you're right, she said. He pulled her to him in a hug and she looked up at him. But only like four more years until Grace starts school! Then she's gonna end up in high school, and dating, and driving, and--
Monica said with a sheepish smile. You think Schuyler's doing okay?
Yeah, I'm sure she's fine. She's extremely outgoing, Chandler added. Plus she, too, went to preschool and comes over here all the time.
I hope you're right, I hope they're fine, she said unable to worry about only Autumn.
Rachel said that Emma's best friend, Maggie, had become a second daughter to her. She got along great with Maggie's parents, and Maggie was a sweet girl. Lots of people loved their children's best friends.
But most people's children's best friends weren't their own biological children.
***
The school year started to progress quickly. Autumn and Schuyler both loved school, especially since they had each other in their class. They were still attached at the hip. Every Saturday Schuyler came over, or Autumn went to Schuyler's, not to mention they had a few after school play dates from time to time. Their best friend status was even more important now that they were in school. In a class full of kids, everyone paired with a best friend, they had to make sure that everyone knew they were best friends. They insisted on dressing alike some days, having matching bracelets, and calling each other their best friend whenever they could get it in.
Who do I look like more? Autumn asked. You or Daddy?
Monica said. Well, neither of us, really. You look more like a cross between the two, she lied. You just look like Autumn.
You know Kaitlyn in my class? She has a twin sister! Her sister looks just like her! I wish I had a twin sister, that's so cool.
Aunt Phoebe's a twin, Monica reminded her as she continued to look through the bills she was paying.
I know, but I've never seen her sister, Autumn said, disappointed. Do they look alike?
Exactly alike, Monica said. It's hard to tell the difference.
Schuyler's sister, Nancy, she looks like her mom, Autumn said. Monica looked up at Autumn, afraid of what she was thinking. But Schuyler doesn't. She looks more like her dad, I guess. I've never seen her dad, she added.
Monica said, filled with relief. She knew Autumn was only five and a half, but she was afraid she was going to figure everything out.
She looks kinda like you, though, Autumn said with a laugh. That's funny, huh? Since you're not her mommy.
That's pretty funny, Monica agreed, wishing Autumn would drop the subject.
And she has the same color eyes as Gracie, she added again.
Monica asked.
Not just blue, VERY blue.
How strange, Monica said with a fake laugh. You know what, Sweetie? I'll be right back, I'm gonna go see if Grace is up from her nap. With that, she left Autumn in the kitchen and went up the stairs to Grace's room. She had to get away from that conversation.
She smiled as she saw Grace sitting up in her crib, chewing on a toy. Hi Sweetie, she said with a smile as she lifted Grace out of her crib. When did you get up? she wondered. Her eyes stopped on Grace's eyes, and she smiled. You do have very blue eyes, she told her daughter. Grace smiled and went on playing with the toy she had clutched in her hand.
***
Wait, so what happened? Chandler asked Monica that night in their bedroom as the got ready for bed. The whole conversation with Autumn earlier that day still had Monica a worried and upset.
She started pointing out how Nancy looks like Allison and Schuyler doesn't, she said. But then she went on to say that Schuyler looks more like me than her mom, and that she and Grace look alike because they have the same eyes! This whole dumb thing is not going to hold up for too much longer, she realized.
I told you Grace has your eyes, Chandler said.
Well, then, so does Schuyler, Monica said quietly.
Look, Mon, she's five. She's not going to think that she was switched with another baby at birth, he told her. She may notice that Schuyler looks like you and maybe even that she looks like Allison. But she's probably just gonna think that it's a big coincidence.
You're right, she said. I never thought about it like that.
I dread the day we really do have to tell them, Chandler realized. I mean, the fact that they know each other will make it harder.
Well, I think that day is still pretty far away, Monica realized. She looked at Chandler and smiled. I love you, she added as an after thought.
He looked at her and smiled. I love you, too, he said.
Thank you, she said with a smile. I mean, for being so great during this past year and a half. I never would have been able to get through this without you. I'm not sure how Allison did it, she said.
Well then, thank you, too, he said.
I haven't been that much of a help, she said with a smile.
You have too, he said. You just don't realize it. He got underneath the covers of their bed. Now go to bed and don't worry anymore, he said, kissing her on the head.
***
I hate to ask you this, I mean, it's like I'm forcing you to do it, and I'm not, but I kinda am. I mean, I don't know what else to do, I can't do anything without you. And given our situation I guess it makes sense, but I still don't think I need to ask you this, it's something you should offer, but if I don't ask, you'll never know... Allison rambled on as she paced the waiting room nervously.
Allison, you don't have to even mention it once before I'd offer, Chandler said. Wait, what happened to her?
Allison sighed and rung her shirt in her hands. She was riding her bike, and she fell off. I thought she just fell, but she hit her head pretty good. So anyway, she also caught her ankle in a part of the bike, and she was bleeding pretty heavily. And if that's not enough, they have to operate to remove a piece of metal that's in her leg, she added, tears coming to her eyes. And you know, she's type O- blood, and I'm AB, and Michael is A+, and so none of us have her blood type. But I knew one of you two has to be compatible.
Yeah, it's me, Chandler said. So they just want me to donate blood? That's all? Where do I go? he asked without a second thought.
Chandler, I can't thank you enough for this, Allison said, the tears starting to roll down her cheeks.
Hey, she's gonna be okay, Monica said, approaching Allison and pulling her into a hug. She'll be fine.
Yeah, I know, but I never want my kids to go through anything like this. And my damn ex-husband won't even come down here, he's in a meeting. I guess that's more important to him. Argh, he makes me so mad.
It's okay, Monica soothed, patting her on the back. We'll stay with you.
Yeah, and I'll go donate the blood right now, Chandler said, heading off in the other direction.
Thank you so much, Allison said to Chandler as he walked away. She looked at Monica. Where are your kids?
They're at Phoebe and Mike's, Monica said. It was their day with them anyway, Phoebe was complaining that she never gets to spend time with them, so she was gonna take them to the zoo today.
That's so sweet of her, Allison said as she wiped her nose with a tissue.
Ms. Williams? a doctor asked. Can I see you?
Allison said. She turned to Monica and smiled. Thanks, Monica. Can you excuse me for a second?
she said with a sigh. She hoped Schuyler was okay.
***
Chandler said, sitting down next to Monica in the hospital waiting room.
Monica said with a smile. So you survived giving blood, huh? she asked with a laugh.
Yeah. Wasn't that bad. I didn't even pass out like I'd always imagined I would.
Monica joked with a laugh. I can't believe it.
I'm pretty tough, he told her. She looked at him amused. Okay, I'm not. My arm is sore now. They said that sometimes there is inflammation of the veins and to put a warm compress on it for a day or so to make it go down. That's just creepy.
Monica smiled and patted him on the shoulder. Maybe I can make it feel better later, she said with a smile. He grinned at her.
I might just hold you to that, he said. How's Allison?
She's okay, I think. She's really worried about Schuyler. But the doctors said she's gonna be fine, just a little sore after the surgery. It's nothing major, she can probably go home tomorrow morning. Normally it would be an out patient type thing, but since she hit her head they want to keep her overnight.
Is it only me, Chandler asked. Or does this whole situation, and knowing it's Schuyler on the other end of it, does it just...
Tear you up inside? Monica asked. He nodded.
I mean, I know she's not ours ours, but she's still ours. You know?
Monica smiled. Actually, yeah, I do know what you mean, she said with a small laugh.
I mean, yeah, she's being raised by someone else, but it's like it just hit me... that child that we created, her life is in someone else's hands.
And the life that Allison and Michael created is in our hands, Monica realized. That's really scary to live with.
And really, it shouldn't matter because Autumn is our daughter, and Schuyler is their daughter, but if anything ever happened to her, we couldn't help but think What if she had been with us?' But then if she HAD been with us, Autumn would be the one in her place, and that's even worse.
It's because we know her now, Monica added with a sigh. You were right, way back when, she added. If she was just a face that looked like us then yeah, we wouldn't care as much. But now we know her and her personality and everything, and we're attached.
Chandler decided. You were right. I'm glad we have this relationship with her. Even if it's hard sometimes. At least we get to know her, and we still get to have Autumn as our daughter.
Monica sighed. Remember what you said before? That there must be a reason for all this?
Do you really think there is?
There has to be, he stated. Because otherwise this is just cruel.
Allison's voice brought them from their thoughts. She's out of surgery. You want to see her?
Monica said. She and Chandler followed Allison to Schuyler's room. They stopped outside her door and Allison smiled at them.
They say she's doing fine and she can come home tomorrow, Allison said. Chandler, again, thank you so much, she said, giving him a hug.
Hey, it was the only thing I could do, he said. I'd do anything for her if she needed it, he added.
Thanks. That means a lot to me, Allison said. I'm gonna go use the phone and call Michael. If he cares, Allison said with a roll of her eyes. You guys can go in and see her.
They walked into Schuyler's room and smiled at her. She was asleep on the bed, her leg bandaged and on not covered with the blanket. Her hair was a mess, but framed her face. She had a bruise on her nose and a small bump on her head.
Poor thing, Monica said, leaning down to kiss her on the cheek. She brushed her hair out of her face and smiled. I'm so glad she's okay.
Me too, Chandler agreed, fixing the blankets on her bed. She must be so scared.
I know, Monica added with a sigh. We are not getting Autumn a bike, she added to Chandler.
He rolled his eyes but smiled at her. We'll see, he told her. She smiled back and patted Schuyler's hand.
This breaks my heart, she said. And not just because I know she's, you know... and not just because it would be sad to see any kid like this, but because...
Because we care about her, he finished for her. She looked up at him and nodded.
Is this bad? she wondered. I mean, did we do this the wrong way?
Is there a right way to do this? he asked her. She thought about that, then smiled.
No, I guess not, she said.
So I just say we're lucky. We get to know Schuyler, and we still get to raise Autumn.
Yeah, but what if something happens and we don't get to see Schuyler all the time anymore? I mean, then it will be worse for us.
I'm not gonna let that happen, Allison said as she came into the room. I'll force Autumn and Schuyler to be friends forever if that's what it takes, she added with a smile.
And somehow, just somehow, they knew it would all be okay then.
Blaaaah. LOL. I'm not sure about this series. I mean, it's okay, but couldn't it be better? Oh well, like I said once before, I am SO critical of my own work, lol. I guess that's why. When I wrote This is Mine You Can't Take It, I totally thought the ending blew. But then I reread it a while later and I liked it a lot better. Who knows. This isn't very C&Mish, is it? I think I'll have to add more C&M stuff. But whatever. It's about them and their family, which is all that I need to classify something as C&M. I can NOT bring myself to write something where they get back together after breaking up or an alternate get together or whatever, I just want them together all the time! Maybe I'll try that one day. Okay, why am I rambling on and on here? Oh, I've decided how to end this, and I've decided what I'm gonna do for the LAST chapter now (probably the epilogue, cause if that wasn't an epilogue I don't think there could be one... but it's still gonna be resolving issues, so I dunno. lol) so yay. This series was orignally gonna be more...legal. I mean, most of it was going to be about them getting the custody of the other kids, etc. Then I got into that funk and didn't update because I didn't want to write that, and I was like so who would want to READ that then? Okay. I've got to go. Just to... put you out of your misery for reading this long ending author's note.
