Angel stood on the balcony, the sun shone on his face. He could feel the cool wind blowing softly across his cheeks. He'd done the hardest thing of all today, but he knew it had been the right thing to do. He had been human for two weeks now, but he didn't feel alive. Now he feared he never would. He recalled the tough conversation from earlier on.

It was the first time he'd seen Buffy after becoming human. She ran up to him and instantly threw her arms around his neck. This would not go well, he knew that now. Buffy leaned in to kiss him, but he carefully pulled away.

"Angel? What's wrong?" She asked surprised by his gesture.

"Let's go for a walk Buffy. We need to talk." Angel replied calmly. This would take all of his strength. The two left the small airport and headed to the park down the street.

"Buffy, I need to do something today. Something that I know will be hard, but I must do it. It wouldn't be right for me to pretend, and I don't want to." Angel said. Buffy stopped walking and sat down on a bench pulling Angel down next to her. She faced him, her expression got serious.

"What's going on Angel? You're finally human. We can be together now, we really don't need to waste time talking do we?" Buffy asked impatiently.

She looked so worried, yet still beautiful in Angel's eyes. She had fought hard in the battle to, yet again, save the world from the apocalypse. It had been a big, very hard battle, but they won, giving Angel is humanity at last. He saw her as beautiful now, as he had when he first met her, but that was not enough. His feelings had changed. He slowly closed his eyes and breathed in deeply.

"Look Buffy. This is really hard for me, and I don't want to hurt you. We were in love for a long, long time, and we've been through a lot together. We got together and broke up more times than I can remember. It's been a long time and things change Buffy." Angel began surprising himself with how the words were coming out right.

"What are you trying to say? I don't understand Angel?" Buffy said, the pain showing in her eyes.

"Buffy, I know we used to wish for this. That I'd become human and we could be together for the rest of our lives like a normal couple, but it's different now. It took me a really long time, but I finally moved on Buff. I'll always, always care about you. You are my best friend, but we can't be together. I'd be lying to myself and to you, if I said I was still in love with you." Angel said slowly.

"You mean to tell me that my biggest wish came true, and you're gonna give it up like that? You are finally human, we can finally be together, and you don't want it?" Buffy said, furious.

"Buffy please, don't make this harder than it has to be. We've grown apart. I'll always love you, but I am not in love with you as I once was." Angel said wishing this could be easier on Buffy.

"That's bull shit Angel. Why are you doing this?" She said standing up, but quickly reconsidering and sitting down. Her mood changed quickly as she placed her hand on Angel's cheek. "Angel, it's okay now. We can be together, are you afraid to let yourself be happy?"

"No Buffy. I am not afraid to be happy. I want to be happy, but my happiness is not you anymore. You will find someone that you love and that loves you, but Buff it's not going to be me. We're over; there is no "us" anymore. We had our thing, it's gone. It's too late for us Buffy." Angel said carefully taking Buffy's hand off of his cheek, but keeping it in his.

"Oh I get it Angel. Cute." Buffy said, angrily pulling her hand away. "This is about Cordelia isn't it? Did you love her Angel? We're you in love with her? Well she's gone Angel, she's dead! Get over it!" Buffy yelled standing up again.

"Buffy don't you dare bring Cordy into this. You don't anything about my relationship with Cordy!" Angel yelled back, also standing up.

"Did you love her then? Did you love the snobby Cordelia Chase? Queen C? Then friggin' drama queen on Sunnydale?" Buffy yelled in his face.

Before thinking, Angel's hand flew up and he slapped Buffy across the cheek.

"No, I'm not sorry for slapping you this time Buffy! Cordelia Chase changed, and even you know that. Yes, I did love her, I still do. You are the one that needs to accept that you and I are through!" Angel said angrily. "You can't come here and just expect us to pick up where we left off. It doesn't work that was Buffy! I can't just be expected to give myself to you. We have separate lives now Buffy, completely different, separate lives. I have Angel Investigations to run, you have Dawn to take care of, and Willow and Xander. We moved on, and things are different."

"So that's it? It's over then?" Buffy said as the tears welled up in her eyes. "It's just over for us?"

"Buffy I've always loved you. I always will, we're friends. We can be friends, but just friends. Okay Buffy?" Angel said reaching out and touching Buffy's shoulder.

"Yeah. I understand Angel. I love you too. I... I ...just..." Buffy couldn't hold the tears back anymore. She let them all go, and let Angel pull her into his arms.

"I'm so sorry Buffy. It's going to be okay. I promise." Angel whispered into her ear.



Back at the airport Buffy turned to face Angel, the tears filling her eyes again.



"Bye Angel." Buffy said softly.

"You could stay for a while Buffy." Angel pleaded.

"Nope. I need time Angel. I can't be friends with you yet, I am not ready. I still love you so much, and it's going to take a long time to get over it." Buffy said as a tear rolled down her cheek.

"I's so sorry Buffy. I never wanted to hurt you, I swear. One day you'll understand why I did this. I do love you though, but as a friend. I'll miss you." Angel said, wiping the tear from her face only to allow more to flow.

"I'll miss you too. Bye Angel." She said as she turned to walk away.

Angel watched her walk down the terminal. He was closing the door on this part of his life forever. Buffy turned once, wiped her tears away and smiled.

"Bye Buffy Summers." Angel whispered to himself as he turned and walked into the sunny street.



***

That had to have been the hardest thing Angel had gone through, with the exception of Cordelia's funeral. Angel knew he had been through fights with evil demons and been through many apocalypses, but Cordy's funeral had been really hard for him. Being an ex-vampire, Angel wasn't a guy who showed his feelings, but the funeral had killed him. He had let it all out at the end, but Lorne, Wes and Gunn were there for him as they always had been. But Angel had lost the girl he loved more than anyone, and she would never know how he really felt about her. He missed Cordelia so much. He had wanted to spend his human life with her, but she was gone. She wouldn't be back, and he was now human, and alone.



"Hey cupcake what's on your mind?" Lorne asked as he walked out onto the balcony behind Angel.

"Nothing." Angel said laconically.

"Angel. Don't tell me you're okay because I know you're not." Lorne began. "I know you miss her Angel."

"I do. Lorne, she was the one I loved. This humanity is nothing to me without her to share it with. I told Buffy today, that I wasn't in love with her. I told her that I loved Cordelia. I miss Cordy so much! I remember every moment with her Lorne, and I need her back. I remember when we lay talking, and watching Con...um...the stars. When we danced in the rain, I remember her sweet scent and her soft touch. I miss it all."



Slow dancing on the boulevard. In the quiet moments while the city's still dark. Sleepwalking though the summer rain and the tired spaces. You could hear her name when she was warm and tender, and you held her arms around you. There was nothing but her love and affection. She was crazy for, now she's part of something that you lost.



"I know strudel, I know how much you miss her. I can tell what you're feeling without you even singing . I can see the pain in your eyes and in your voice. I'm so sorry Angel." Lorne said. "But maybe it wasn't meant to be with you too Angel. Maybe she was not what you needed. But then again maybe she was what you needed, and still need. She did love you Angel, you know that right? It was an unspoken love between you two."

"Lorne, I never really got to tell her how I felt. I never got to let her know just how much I loved her. How deeply in love I was. She still thought I was in love with Buffy. She'll never have then chance to know that I choose her over Buffy. That I made that decision, and now it's too late." Angel said with watery eyes.



And for all you know, this could be the difference between what you need and what you wanna be.

Night swimming in her diamond dress. Making small circles move across the surface. Stand watching from the steady shore. Feeling wide open and waiting for something warm and tender now she's moving further from you. There was nothing that could make it easy on you; every step you take reminds you that's she's walking wrong.

"I know Angel. I know. I wish I could bring her back for you, but I'm sure she's in a better place Angel. She's where she deserves to be, happy. Our Cordy must be happy in heaven by now." Lorne smiling.

"Yeah I know she is." Angel said turning and walking back inside and down the hallway. Head hung low, Lorne could see the pain he was feeling.

"Oh Angel you miss her so much." Lorne said out loud. He watched as Angel slumped down the long hallway.



Every word you never said echoes down the empty hallway, and everything that was your world just came down.

Angel walked out onto the other door of their summer cabin, by the lake. He stood looking out at the water and smiled as he thought of Cordelia.

Day breaking on the boulevard feel the sun warming your second hand heart. Light swimming right across your face, and you think maybe someday, yeah, maybe someday.

"Oh Angelcakes, someday you will be with her. I know you will. You're a man now Angel, and I know you deserve heaven as well." Lorne said out loud to himself. "You'll be with Cordy again."

TBC...