Chapter 25

Watching Kevin leave the penthouse, Sonny felt an immediate sense of overpowering panic. He felt the kind of fear that his claustrophobia always brought him. Alexis did not know him. All that they shared, the trust, the friendship; everything was lost to her. It was now up to him to keep it alive until she was able to remember. Sonny refused to even think that she would never remember him. Maybe it was selfish on his part, but he needed to believe that he would get another chance with her. He needed to believe that she would some day soon return his love. He didn't have to think about the sacrifices she made for him. He had spent the last few days reliving it all. And for the first time in his life, Sonny wanted to prove to someone he loved that he could be what they needed; he wanted to be the man that she needed him to be. He needed the chance to learn how to make sacrifices for someone else… for her.

Striding over to his desk, Sonny picked up the phone and called Jason. He needed to discuss all of this with Jason. To see what Jason's take on the situation would be.

Jason had barely gotten inside Sonny's penthouse when the door was wrenched out of his hand as Carly pushed past him on her way to Sonny. Unable to catch her in time he cringed at the look that settled on Sonny's face.

"I thought I told you to never come back here again, Carly."

"Well, Mr. High and Mighty, you don't always get what you want now do you. Sure as hell didn't get that lawyer of yours, did you?"

To hear any reference to Alexis come out of Carly's mouth turned Sonny's insides to raging molten lava. Moving to stand in front of her and leveling a look of pure hatred at her he raised his hand to stop Jason from coming any closer.

"Carly, I have never hit a woman in my life, but you're bordering on pushing me too far."

"I'm not afraid of you, Sonny. What's wrong, missing your friend? You do know she's turned looney and they've got her up at Ferncliff now? Couldn't handle your lifestyle, could she? You know... you should have stuck with me. You'd have been a lot better off."

Unable to reach Sonny fast enough Jason saw his hand shoot up to settle around Carly's throat. The only way Jason knew how to stop Sonny was to remind him of what he had to lose.

"Sonny, you have to let her go. You can't help Alexis if you're in jail for murder. Let me handle Carly. You can trust me to do what's best. Let her go, Sonny. Let her go for Alexis' sake. You don't need to do anything that will take you away from her. Let go, Sonny."

Finally hearing Jason's voice penetrate the rage that was racing through him, Sonny released Carly and threw her across the room. Afraid of what he was capable of at that moment he spoke to Jason without paying another moment of attention to Carly.

"Jason, get her out of here. Make sure she knows that if she shows up here again, I'll kill her. And make sure she understands that the same goes if she goes anywhere near Alexis."

Grabbing Jason's arm, Sonny jerked him around to make sure he made eye contact with him.

"Make sure she understands it, Jason. If you want her alive, then it's your responsibility to make sure I nor Alexis, never lay eyes on her again."

In that moment, Jason understood the lengths Sonny would go in order to protect Alexis. Sonny was stating his intention and would now expect everyone to fall in line behind him or suffer the consequences. Looking from the terror filled eyes of Carly back to Sonny, Jason finally saw the history of Sonny and Carly wrapped up in one solitary moment.

Carly was poison to Sonny. She used his vulnerabilities against him to manipulate herself into his life. His fear of being alone, his need to be a father, to be loved. She blindsided him... feeding his sense of worthlessness by not encouraging him to live up to his true potential. She didn't encourage him to reach within himself for something more... something better. She catered to his bouts of anger, his need to always retaliate… his dark moods. But Sonny needed more... deserved more. Sonny needed to be challenged. Carly could not give him that. Jason turned to face Sonny and took his stand.

"I'll make sure she understands, Sonny. You have my word she won't be back here again. She'll be leave Port Charles tonight. I'll take care of Michael once I've taken care of her. Don't worry, Sonny. I'll handle all the details."

Sonny often wondered that if it came down to a choice between himself and Carly, which one of them Jason would choose. There was a bond between Carly and Jason that sometimes disturbed him; made him sometimes doubt Jason's loyalty. But as he looked at Jason now he suddenly realized his question was finally answered. Jason was telling him that he would stand with him over Carly and that he would deliver Michael to him no questions asked. Sonny embraced Jason and then turned to go upstairs until Carly was removed from his home.

Reaching his bedroom he sat down in the chair by his bed and leaned forward catching his head in his hands as the control he held his emotions under finally gave way. The tears would no longer stay within the confines of his control. They slowly dropped one by one to soak the carpet between his feet. She didn't know him… The only person in his whole life who had cared enough to see the man he was deep inside no longer knew him. The loss he felt was mountainous and the tears continued to fall… tears that only she would understand… only she would ever be allowed to witness… if only…

________________

"Johnny, has Ned or Jax been here to see me?"

The question had been on Alexis' mind most of the day. She couldn't remember a whole lot about the last time she saw either of them. They were both there the day Chloe died. Jax was at Wyndemere, then at the police department and she could remember Jax calling Ned to tell him about Chloe. But, everything began to get fuzzy at that point. Her memories were sketchy at best.

"Yes, they both have. And if you don't mind, I'd like you to answer a question for me before you get the idea to start asking a lot of questions of your own. Sorry partner, but you don't get to ask any more questions today. That's my one and only rule for the day."

"Ok, Mr. Bossy. What's your question?"

Seeing the twinkle in her eye he knew she was playing with him by sliding a question by him not caring if it was a valid one or not. Just the feeling of retaining a bit of control, no matter how she did it, was enough to satisfy her.

"Smartie. You think you're so clever."

"Yes, actually I do think I'm clever. So deal with it."

"I suppose you also think you're the best lawyer in the state, don't you?"

"You're a great lawyer... and a great friend..."

Catching the side of her head and groaning at the stab of pain, Alexis shook it off and refocused on Johnny who caught her hand at the look of pain that crossed her face.

"It's ok, Johnny. Just something racing through. I don't know what it means and I don't want to analyze it right now. Just ask me what you wanted to ask me and let's get my mind on something else. And yes, to answer your question, I am the best there is."

"I'm probably going to sound like a shrink or something, but I'd really like to know just so it will make sense to me."

"Sounds ominous."

"Why do you allow people to get close to you that clearly have no respect for you at all?

Stunned by the question, Alexis looked at Johnny as if he had just slapped her. She didn't hear the least hint of anger or accusation in his voice and studying his face she could tell he was actually puzzled by the kind of people she allowed in her life.

"You're going to have to elaborate, Johnny. I don't know what you mean. They do respect me."

"If you really believe that, then you and I need to have a serious conversation about what the word respect actually means. Now, I don't mean to upset you, because I know you are the most intelligent woman I have ever had the great fortune of knowing. Which makes it all the more difficult to understand why you let Jax and Ned treat you the way they do. And it's not just Jax and Ned... "

"Johnny, wait a minute. I'm seriously not following you here. I know you think you have a valid point you're trying to make, but I really don't understand where you're coming from. What is it that Jax and Ned are doing that leads you to think they do not respect me?"

Sitting back and taking a deep breath, Johnny was almost sorry he brought up the matter, but one of the reasons he did was to keep her mind occupied and busy enough to keep her from pushing for more memories. Taking the plunge he decided to finish what he started.

"Both the guys were here latter part of last week. Ned came first and went ballistic when he saw I was living with you. I tried to tell him that I was just here to take care of you and that was it. He wouldn't listen. I told him that nothing negative in either word or attitude was allowed around you and the first thing he does is start mouthing off to you about me. I call Kevin to hopefully calm the guy down, but the guy is so worked up I have to get physical and carry him out of the room. All he could see was his view of what was going on and wouldn't even consider that he just might be wrong. I tried to get him to understand that this wasn't about him or me or anyone else... but that it was about you and you only. He didn't get it. Same thing with Jax. All they see is what they think you ought to be, do, or say. And what really confuses me is that for as long as I have known you, you've let them get away with it. I just wanted to know why."

He wasn't waiting for a debate, he wasn't looking to start an argument with her, and he wasn't angry. He simply wanted to know why because he liked her and he felt she deserved to be respected. Alexis could see it all in his eyes. He was actually very sincere in what he was asking her. Raising her hand she caressed his cheek and smiled tenderly at him thankful that there was one person in the world who cared enough for her to respect her opinions… her choices… her ability to reason and promoted her right to stand independent of others.

"Johnny, they don't mean to disrespect me. They don't even know that's how it looks to outsiders. They love me; they just have a problem in knowing when enough is enough. They believe that in some way they are protecting me from myself, and the frequent neurotic tendencies I get myself entangled in at times. Yes, I get irritated with them. In fact, sometimes I'd like to throw them off a high rise building, but they don't mean any harm."

"But, that's just it, Alexis. They are harming you and you are allowing it."

"I don't understand, Johnny. How do you think I am allowing them to harm me?"

Taking both of her hands within his own, he brought them to his lips and gently kissed them wanting her to know that he was still on her side regardless... that he was worried about her... but, that he also needed to make his point clear with her.

"Alexis, there was no one with you when you... got sick. Why? No, don't answer... don't think... just listen, please. I want to tell you what I think and then you can tell me if I'm right or wrong. Ok?"

"Alright Johnny, you have my complete attention."

"Someone should have known you were in trouble and been with you that night. But, no one respected you or cared enough to check on you. You have given yourself completely to your friends and family and you have asked nothing in return. So what happens when you get in trouble... you end up here because you have not required or demanded that you be treated with the same dignity and respect that you show everyone else around you. You let them tear you down, attack your ability to care for yourself, and degrade your intelligence because they force their opinions on you regarding what's best for you; and you take it. I have very rarely seen you fight for yourself. So why would they respect you? I just don't get it. Alexis, you are a smart, capable, independent woman who knows her own mind. Why do you let them take that away from you?"

"Well, that's a mouthful."

"Yea, did I go too far?"

Patting his hand comfortingly she forced him to meet her gaze as he had dipped his head fearing he had said too much.

"Johnny, look at me."

Waiting for him to lift his head she smiled encouragingly at him when he complied.

"You could never say too much to me. What I know for certain and cling to right now is that I can depend on you to be honest with me that you care about my welfare and that you love my child probably almost as much as I do. Johnny, there is nothing you can't say to me... "

Wincing slightly and immediately centering on what she was trying to say, she was able to hide the effects of the pain in her head.

"You think that it is causing me harm that I don't stand up for myself anymore than I do, right?"

"Yes, because each time someone tears you down or doesn't respect the fact that you are capable of handling your own life... well those things keep stacking up higher and higher until you start doubting your own abilities, doubting your own instincts for what you know is best for you. That's harmful to you and what I believe is part of why you're here now."

"How do you mean? Tell me why you think that is part of why I am here now?"

"Everybody is shouting all over the place about this need for control you have. Ok, yes, you do have what I would say is an abnormal need for control. But why? Why do you have to have so much control? Is it in part due to having a bad childhood, or were you not able to be yourself in your teenage years, or is it just a compulsion with you? I don't have the answers to those questions, but what I think is... that when you feel out of control and someone is around who doesn't respect you enough to back off and let you recuperate... then damage is done. Or when you've lost control and need help to regain it, there is no one who remembers what you've been to them countless times before and you are left alone to face whatever... and damage is done. I believe you are here because you felt like you lost all control of your life and there was no one around who respected you enough to take care of you the way you deserved to be taken care and quite frankly have earned."

"Is that what you are doing, Johnny... trying to help me regain control?"

"If you need it, yes."

Reaching for him, she wrapped her arms around his neck and hugged him tightly. Before letting go she quietly spoke to him.

"I'd like some time to think about what you've said. You made some very interesting points. It's my turn to evaluate what you've said and see if it does make sense."

Releasing him she sat back and saw the look of concern on his face.

"It's ok, Johnny. You did good. Kevin would be proud of you. And I'm proud of you. You know, you should go back to school and become a guidance counselor or something equally beneficial. You have a very compassionate heart... a very caring heart. Johnny, you are a very special man in more ways than I can count and I adore you. You've made all of this easier for me; you've given me the time and the space I have needed to make some sense of what I do remember. You've gently guided me and coaxed me back to reality and I will be forever indebted to you. Now, before I get all weepy, let's go back inside... I am getting hungry and I know the 'little peanut' is as well."

Taking the hand she offered him as she rose from the bench, Johnny's heart was so full he suspected it could burst at any moment. He couldn't wait to share with Joy how much he felt Alexis had valued his viewpoint and how that made him feel. Johnny felt like he was walking on air and his feet would never hit the ground again. Looking over at his companion, he felt the love of his friend grow deeper and as he laid his arm across her shoulders, he smiled at the look of gratitude and trust she gave him.

As they walked toward the building neither of them saw the man hiding in the shadows whose attention was focused solely on Alexis.