Wheeeeee!!! This is something I wrote with way too much spare time on my hands. And way too much sugar in my system. And way too little sleep for my poor little brain. And stuff. Ohh, my little friend showed up. Say hi to the readers, dude!!
Sir Utinni: …
Well, the fact that Sir Utinni is a chocolate chip at the bottom of my latest bag of milk chocolate Chipits has nothing to do with the fact that he can't talk. Besides, if we really wanted him to talk, we could just label him as one of the voices in our head, couldn't we?
Sorry, talking to my multiple selves again. Runs in the family, you know.
Anyways, here's the disclaimer.
Anything that appears as if it doesn't belong to me, belongs to somebody else.
With me so far? Good. Here we go.
A New Spoof, Which The Narrator Writes Because The Narrator Has Too Much Spare Time And Thus Makes Extremely Long And Redundant Titles To Pass The Above Mentioned Time. The Narrator Does Not Really Expect Anyone To Actually Read This, But If You're One Of Those People That Has Nothing Better To Do, Such As The Narrator, You Might As Well Read This Title. Having Said That, The Narrator Shall Get On With The Spoof As Soon As The Narrator Figures Out Exactly What The Above Named Spoof Is Supposed To Be About. We're Not Really Sure About That Yet.
A few minutes later, an idea hit.
If you have no idea what I'm talking about, YOU DID NOT READ THE TITLE!!! YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO READ THE TITLE!!! Even when it's completely redundant.
So the title's useless. So what?
Anyway, the Narrator decided to make yet another Star Wars spoof because the Narrator wanted to.
Hmm…still no ideas.
…
THWACK;ajgoiajiojav;iae;oiaeil;awoilifjieajv;8938vqoijtglk;ug89bnil;guaa
Owwwwww. Not to say that I don't like inspiration, but I hate it when it hits me like a brick wall and I fall off my chair. And just look at what happened a few lines ago when I hit my elbows on the keyboard in anguish.
Hey…wait. I didn't know I could type in Dutch.
Oh, well. On with the spooooooooooofffff…
A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away…Lindo Skybaker spat out her iced tea. It tasted like wet sand. She looked into the plastic thingie that held the powder and sniffed…
Someone had poured out her iced tea powder, and put in sand.
They would pay. Oh, how they would pay…She curled her fingers into tight fists and marched back into the kitchen.
Chelsegorn: Whoozat?
That's Lindo, Chelsegorn. Remember her from LOTC?
Chelsegorn: Ohhh…right.
Sorry about the interruption. Anyway…
Beside the heap of iced tea powder on the floor stood the household protocol droid. It waved at her cheerily.
She scowled nastily at it. "You dumped my iced tea."
"Mistress Lindo, I discovered that someone had put sand into your plastic container, so I poured it out here," it indicated the heap of powder, "and replaced it with iced tea powder."
"YOU POURED OUT MY ICED TEA POWDER AND PUT IN SHEET!!!!!" she screamed at the hapless protocol droid.
The droid began to quiver. "But Mistress—"
"QUIT CALLING ME MISTRESS!!! I AM HER ROYAL HIGHNESS PRINCE BAKER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
The droid shook so hard, a bolt came loose. "Forgive me, your Highn—"
Lindo took out a little remote thingie and pushed a small red button.
The protocol droid fell into a random rancor pit.
"There," said Lindo, quite satisfied as the trapdoor closed and the rancor pit vanished.
She looked outside the window at her uncle coming in. Uncle Gary was very good at being a moisture farmer…unfortunately, he didn't seem to notice that they lived on a rainforest planet.
He entered and said, "There. Harvested at least 152763 litres today."
"But Uncle—"
"No, no, we already went over this. The villagers need water and I'm the only one who can supply it to them."
Lindo simply pointed out the window to the nearby lake.
Her uncle glared at her. "Do you want me to lose my only source of income?"
"But you didn't have to surround the whole lake with an electric fence!!!"
"Do you want your allowance or not?"
She considered. "Can I try to drain the lake?"
"Sure. Now run along and do your chores."
"Don't wanna."
"Doesn't matter. Do your chores or else."
"But—"
"No."
"BUT—"
"No."
She stuck out her tongue at him, walked into her room, and locked the door.
"LINDO!!" he shouted. "WHAT DID YOU DO WITH YOUR ROBOTIC AUNT??!!??"
Dun, dun DUN dun, DUN dun DUN DUN DUN, DUN DUN DUN DUN dun, dun dun dun duuuuuuuunnnnnn…
Yeah. Music and stuff. Ask me to sing it for you later if you're reading this without me.
So, meanwhile, above the planet Lindo was on, a big triangular shaped ship thingie floated around, trying to punch holes into a smaller ship.
The smaller ship rocked under the blows, was finally unable to fight back, and was pulled into the larger ship's hold with a combine beam.
…I mean a tractor beam.
Whatever.
Soldiers in the smaller ship gathered around the main entrance, blasters at the ready, waiting…
The door began to smoke as some idiot gave it a cigar.
Wait…no, that's not what I meant to say. The door began to smoke as some idiot began to cut it open. Yeah.
The soldiers tensed.
The door blew open and stormtroopers poured in, blasters firing.
Here's the short version: all the soldiers died, along with about one and a half of their number in stormtroopers.
More scary music.
Darth Vader, Dark lord of the Sith, stepped in ominously. And tripped. And fell flat on his helmet.
The stormtroopers tried to contain their laughter.
They all got choked, and died.
Vader got up, some of his dignity still left. Uh…never mind. Sith don't really have dignity, just arrogance. And stuff.
He walked to the end of the hall and picked up a random Rebel by the throat. This particular Rebel happened to be captain of the ship, so it is now evidently very doubtful that Vader picked him out at random.
"We're on a diplomatic mission to Alderaan," the captain sputtered, trying to pull himself away. The fact that his feet were off the ground really sucked, for him.
"Then where's the ambassador?" Vader thundered.
Unfortunately, the captain died.
Vader threw him down, disgusted.
He and his remaining stormtroopers looked up at the sound of falling footsteps at the end of the corridor.
There stood a very big man. By big, I mean tall and ripped. As tall as Vader, and far too ripped. And he was bald, a cinnamon bun pasted with icing to both sides of his head. And he held in each hand a blaster.
"I live my life one quarter of a mile at a time," said Vin Diesel, assuming everyone has watched "The Fast and the Furious", and fired at Darth Vader.
The Sith deflected the shots with his lightsaber as the stormtroopers finally came out of their shock and fired stun bolts at the huge ambassador.
After about ten stun bolts, Diesel finally went down. The stormtroopers had a time dragging him out of there, I can tell you.
Meanwhile, an unnoticed escape pod spiraled down to the surface of the nearby forest planet, Tatooine.
The next day, Lindo's uncle decided he needed to buy a new robotic aunt. So when the Jawa caravan arrived, he went out to meet it.
The Jawas put out many different models of droids, and Lindo's uncle walked up to them and inspected.
He came up to a protocol droid. "Hmm. Can you speak the binary language of moisture gatherers?"
"Of course, sir. It's like a second language to me. I—"
"That's very nice," he cut in. "But I have no need for a protocol droid."
"Of course you haven't, sir," the droid responded cheerfully. "Besides, who would need moisture gatherers on a rainforest planet such as this?"
Uncle Gary glared at the droid. "Stupid logic circuits. Oh, well. I changed my mind. I do need a protocol droid, though you probably won't last very long around here with her." He jerked a thumb over his shoulder at Lindo standing behind him.
"Oh, dear," the protocol droid murmured.
Lindo pointed at a red astromech unit. "Perty garbage can," she said, sucking up.
"Oh, okay," her uncle said, and paid for the R5 unit.
The R5 unit suddenly exploded, sending shrapnel everywhere.
"SHEET YOU JAWAS," Lindo shrieked, found a perty blue one, and walked away with it.
"Now," said her uncle as they walked back to the house, "you treat this protocol droid nicely. It's in prime condition and I want it to stay that way, you hear?"
"No," said Lindo in her stupid voice, "I'm deaf."
Her uncle rolled his eyes.
Next chapter coming as soon as I feel random enough to type it. Probably tomorrow.
