Chapter 33
Lying in bed the next morning, Alexis felt completely drained. Her dreams during the night were filled with sights and sounds that left her always on the edge... waiting and wondering when something... anything would be clear enough to make sense. And always, 'he' was there, standing just inside the shadows. Everything in her dreams seemed to be centered around the shadow that always stayed just outside her focus. No matter how hard she tried, she just couldn't bring his face close enough to recognize him.
Turning onto her side, she noticed that she had overslept and it was almost time for her morning walk. Groaning at the silent screams of her body's wish to stay in bed, Alexis slowly stood up and reached for her robe. Holding it in her hand staring at it, she again remembered the dreams of the night before. Sighing with exasperation and more than a little anger she threw the robe back down on the bed and went to the closet to get a pair of jeans and a sweater. She needed room to breathe. She hadn't hyperventilated once since waking, but she could feel it coming on and she needed to get outside. Dressing quickly, she peeked into the living room and finding it empty quickly walked to the door and quietly opened it. Glancing back over her shoulder to make sure she wasn't seen, she closed the door after her and headed outside.
She turned toward the direction of the north lawn as it would give her more time alone before Johnny realized she was missing and started looking for her. She felt guilty for sneaking away from Johnny, but she needed some time alone. For the past few days, she could not remember having one moment to herself and now she couldn't even find peace at night. As images began to assail her once again, she felt her lungs tighten and her breathing become labored. Stopping, she bent forward and tried to inhale deeply finding it impossible to fill her lungs. As she stood there leaning forward trying desperately to catch her breath, a paper bag was suddenly thrust into her hand open and ready for use. Grabbing it quickly and pressing her face into it she heard a quiet strong voice next to her ear.
"Breathe. Take your time and focus. In, then out. Just breathe."
Listening to the soft soothing voice she finally caught her breath then looked up into the darkest most caring eyes she believed she had ever seen before. And they belonged to one of the most handsome men as well. Dark olive skin set off by the most beguiling face. She smiled at him hesitantly and was immediately assaulted by the deepest and cutest set of dimples ever imagined.
Gazing at the face of the woman who held his world, he could tell she didn't recognize him and instantly knew not to pressure her. Recognition had to come in her own time and in her own way. He was just ecstatic that he was finally face to face with her and she had not turned away from him. He caught his breath and held it as she finally spoke.
"Thank you. How did you know?"
He knew what she was asking and had to think quickly in order to give her a somewhat generic answer.
"You looked like you were having trouble breathing. I thought I could help."
"And you carry a paper bag around with you just to help strange women in respiratory distress. Sounds like you lead an interesting life."
"Actually it's been very interesting lately."
Just as Alexis was about to ask the stranger's name, she heard what could only be Johnny running up behind her calling out her name.
Johnny was terrified when he had gone to check on Alexis. She was still asleep when he got up this morning and knew from checking on her throughout the night that she had slept fitfully. So rather than wake her for breakfast, he decided to just let her sleep. As time neared for their walk, he glanced into her room and found her bed empty. Panicking he ran through the suite checking every room and not finding her began to search for her in the places she may have gone within the sanitarium and still not finding her raced outside. Figuring he had an idea of what she was up to, rather than heading toward the south lawn as would have been expected, he headed north and finally saw her from a distance. As he neared her, he recognized the man that stood beside her. Sonny.
Picking up his speed a bit, he called out to her hoping he had gotten to her before any damage was done. Throwing Sonny a look of warning, he drew to a standstill beside Alexis.
"Hey, how come the disappearing act? You had me worried sick."
Laying a calming hand on his arm she looked up at him with a look of warning to let him know not to give away any of her secrets.
"I'm fine, Johnny. I just wanted to take a walk on my own. Find out what it felt like to not be under a microscope for a few minutes. Don't worry. I'm perfectly fine and this gentleman saved from making a total idiot of myself."
Johnny looked at Sonny and saw an almost invisible shake of his head telling him to not say anything to upset Alexis or even hint that he knew him. Johnny returned his focus to Alexis and relaxed a bit. She had no idea who Sonny was. To her he was a perfect stranger. Johnny needed to call Kevin as soon as possible, but he didn't want to leave Alexis with Sonny alone. There was just too much at stake.
"Alexis, do I need to leave you to your peaceful walk then?"
Sonny grasped what Johnny was up to and stepped in to clear the way.
"If you'll both excuse me, I need to be on my way. I have somewhere to be."
Alexis shyly met his gaze.
"Thank you for helping me..."
And before she could finish her sentence... Sonny interrupted her so she wouldn't have a chance to ask his name.
"Don't think anything of it. I was glad to help. Now, if you will excuse me..."
Turning quickly, Sonny headed toward the sanitarium and with his back to her finally could let go of the biggest smile he had allowed himself in weeks.
'One way or another, Alexis... one way or another.'
Just as Sonny entered the sanitarium he ran into Kevin who was on his way to his office. He set up an appointment with Kevin to begin what he hoped would be an exorcism of the bitterness and anger that had a way of exploding at will. Realizing that at the onset Alexis was the reason for delving into the problem of his anger, Sonny was beginning to recognize that he needed this for himself. He needed to find a way to let go of the past so that he could focus on a future free of pain, free from the anger brought on in part by the losses he endured in his life.
Looking back just as the door closed behind him, Sonny caught a last glimpse of Alexis as she continued on her walk; noting that Johnny had fallen into step beside her. Johnny... Sonny was grateful for Johnny's presence in Alexis' life. Alexis would be protected in every way possible as she found her way back. 'And you're coming back to me, Alexis... whether you know it or not.' Sonny smiled deeply and turned back to Kevin.
Kevin was curious at the look on Sonny's face. He couldn't ever remember that kind of a look on his face before. The man looked exhilarated.
"What's with you? You look like your last enemy on earth just died."
"No, but that would nice. I just spoke to Alexis. And before you go jumping down my throat or something, she didn't know who I was. I mean she looked me right in the face and didn't recognize me. I guess that should really bother me, but right now I couldn't be happier. Do you know what this means, Kevin?"
"Evidently it means quite a lot to you, which quite frankly confuses me. Just why is Alexis not recognizing you good news to you?"
"Don't you get it man? I have a chance to make everything right with her. You know, fix everything I did wrong."
Taking Sonny by the arm, he led him down a small corridor out of the way and turned to face him.
"You seem to be forgetting the fact that Alexis may not remember you now, but Sonny, she will remember... everything. She will remember her sister. And she will remember what has occurred with you over the past couple of years."
Watching Sonny's face fall, Kevin sincerely felt sorry for him. Motioning Sonny to join him, he headed in the direction of his office to settle down comfortably for their first official session together.
Arriving at his office, he paused long enough for Sonny to make himself comfortable in the wing-backed chair next to the sofa. Wanting to make Sonny feel more like a participant and less like a patient, Kevin sat next to him on the sofa and leaned back relaxing into the softness of the pillows that lay on the sofa.
"Just to break the ice a little, tell me what truth you shared with Alexis that may have been the catalyst to your initial bond."
"You don't mess around when you set your mind to something, do you?"
Sonny was taken by surprise at the question. He wasn't prepared to just jump into his connection with Alexis. He figured Kevin would have wanted to start with his childhood and that's what he prepared himself for. Bringing Alexis into the conversation so fast threw him. Alexis. His heart and mind were suddenly filled with her and he reveled in the feeling. He jumped slightly as Kevin's voice brought him out of his reverie.
"Well Sonny, not knowing just what it is that keeps you on so tight a leash, I thought it best to start with something that would be a little more comfortable for you to talk about. Did I throw a wrench into your expectations?"
"Yeah. I wasn't prepared for that one. But, since you brought it up and since it has a direct bearing on what I had originally prepared myself for, I guess that's as good a place to start as any."
"Look, Sonny, we don't have to start there if it's too tough for you. We can start wherever you feel most comfortable. The object here is to begin slowly to work through whatever has caused so much damage with the least amount of harm."
Becoming agitated at what he was about to do, Sonny stood abruptly and went to stand by the window. At this particular moment he couldn't think of anything else he had ever done or would ever do again in his life that would be more difficult than opening the door to his past in this manner. In freely coming here to sit and talk to Kevin Collins about the horrors of his past he was finally admitting that he was incapable of dealing with the fallout of it all on his own. That admission alone was like a lit match approaching a box of gunpowder. Letting his gaze roam the grounds, his eyes were drawn to the only reason he would put himself through such an ordeal.
Alexis and Johnny had just found their way onto the south lawn and they were talking quite seriously it appeared. Resolving himself to the matter at hand, he turned from the window and rejoined Kevin. For himself, for her, and for their future... he began to tell Kevin his story.
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"Alexis, did I do something to anger you or are you just needing some space?"
Johnny watched with relief as Sonny turned and walked away. Looking back at Alexis he hesitated a moment as she began moving in the other direction. He did not know whether to follow her or leave her alone for a while. There was no doubt that she was getting increasingly more agitated as each day passed without a full disclosure of the memories that were haunting her at night. He watched her take a few more steps then stop. When she turned to face him, the extreme anguish on her face broke his heart.
"Walk with me, Johnny. Don't talk, just walk."
Alexis could feel the anxiety growing within her and she knew it was not healthy for the baby. But, she didn't know how to stop it. She could feel Johnny's unease as he walked along beside her so she reached out and took his hand squeezing it gently to reassure him that she was ok then left her hand within the comfort of his. She wasn't ok though. The darkness felt like it was looming just over head again waiting for her to let her guard down. There were so many images and voices bombarding her that made no sense and it was becoming increasingly difficult to stay focused on the present. She thought if she could just figure out who the person was that seemed to be the constant in all of the images, then everything would fall into place.
But, it just wasn't happening and she was getting more agitated and angrier at every passing hour, which only led to an increase in her fear factor. Fear tended to strip her of her control. She learned that lesson a long time ago. Mentally shoring herself up she began silently talking to herself. 'This is not that hard, Alexis. Just focus. You'll see who it is if you will just concentrate. There is nothing to be afraid of. Johnny already told you there was no one out there that would harm you. So get a grip and just do it.' As she walked along beside Johnny she began trying to center on the figure that kept haunting her. And once again, just as the face began to emerge from the shadows it vanished. Crying out as a searing pain shot through her, Alexis yanked her hand from Johnny's and grabbed each side of her head with both of her hands screaming out against the pain and total frustration that was consuming her. Just as her knees buckled beneath her she felt Johnny lift her up and walk hurriedly to the nearest bench and sit her down kneeling in front of her holding her hands within his.
"Alexis, you have got to stop this. You have got to stop trying to force yourself to remember. You are only hurting yourself at this point. I know how much you want your life back, but this is not the way to do it. I knew you were stubborn, but this is insane. Please, don't keep doing this. You're forcing me to make a decision I don't want to make on your behalf."
Bringing her eyes up instantly to stare intently at Johnny, Alexis knew immediately what he was threatening her with. She angrily pulled her hands from his hold.
"Don't you dare threaten me, Johnny. Don't you dare! Why don't you go back inside and let me finish my walk alone! I don't need you this morning. I'll be in when I'm good and ready."
Standing abruptly she stepped around him and walked briskly away. She looked over her shoulder to see if he was following her and stopped lowering her head. Turning, she began to walk back toward Johnny who was now seated on the bench with his head in his hands. She could tell by his posture that she hurt him deeply. Sitting down beside him she put her arm around him.
"I'm sorry, Johnny. I didn't mean to hurt you. Look at me. Look at me, Johnny."
As he raised his head to look at her she saw the tears run down his cheeks. Sighing heavily she lay her head on his shoulder.
"It's ok, Johnny. It's ok."
"No, Alexis it's not. You're hurting and I can't do a damn thing to stop it. I wish I could. I'd give my life if I could make this all better for you. But, I can't stand to see you hurting yourself either. It tears me up. Tell me what I can do for you. Tell me what it is that you need from me to make this bearable for you. I'll do it, Alexis. No matter what it is. I'll do it."
"I don't know, Johnny. I don't know what to do any more than you do. What I do know is I want to go home. I want to walk into a courtroom to plead someone's case and win. I want to walk into the PC Grille and order dinner like a normal person. I want to know for certain that it's ok to feel safe again. I want to know if my baby's father loved me. I want to know why he left me. And I want to know what I did that cost me so much that I felt there was no other alternative but to run. I want to be ok again, Johnny. Is that too much to ask? Is it too much to ask for my life back."
With every question she asked the emotion that she had tried so desperately to contain finally escaped her control and the tears found their way slowly down to soak the shirt that lay beneath her cheek.
With his own tears falling unchecked Johnny kissed the top of her head and answered her.
"No, my friend, it is not too much to ask."
