Chapter 34
"I have blood on my hands. And I can't get rid of it. Sometimes I have nightmares and I'm drowning in it."
The first full session of therapy was in progress for Sonny and Kevin wasn't pulling any punches.
"A side-effect of the life you chose, I imagine?"
"Probably. But, it started before I chose to be who I am. Alexis and I have more in common that you would think. She holds herself responsible for her mother's death just as I hold myself responsible for my mother's death."
"How did she die?"
"From a beating I wasn't there to stop. She married a cop when I was eight and he started beating both of us. I was in it for eight years before I left home. She sent me away to get me out of it. I fought back when I was 16 and almost killed the man. She stayed and he eventually killed her. I should have taken her with me... I should have protected her. She was my mother... how do you live with leaving your own mother to be beaten to death. I swore to myself that day that I would one day be powerful enough and rich enough to never know another day of fear. I would be the one feared. It has cost me dearly. In keeping that promise to myself, innocent people have lost their lives because of me. I lost a wife, and two children. I walked away from someone else I loved, but she died anyway. Then there is Kristina, Alexis' sister who lost her life because of who I am. Now Alexis and another child of mine are in trouble."
"I would imagine any sane man would be ready for a change of lifestyle in the face of all that."
"It's who I am."
"No, it's the life you chose. You spend every day trying to defend your actions to yourself. If I do this or say that then I won't be seen as weak and maybe those I care about will stay alive. And just maybe I can fool myself into thinking that it wasn't my fault that my mother died. When in fact, you couldn't have saved your mother no matter how hard you tried. She made a choice and she had to suffer the consequences of that choice."
"I could have taken her away from him."
"No, you couldn't. Look at it this way. Could Ned or Jax or anyone else talk Alexis into leaving you?"
"No, she wouldn't listen to them. They tried just about daily to get her to give up on me."
"And she didn't. She made a choice. It was her choice to make and she is dealing with the consequences of that choice now. She saw something in you worth fighting for and she stayed."
Sonny stood angrily and moved to lean toward Kevin menacingly.
"You trying to tell me that my mama saw something in that bastard worth hanging onto."
"Check your anger, Sonny. We are only discussing probabilities and truths. Women love for many different reasons. And I have learned over the years that women find it hard to let go of what first attracted them to a man. Fear could have kept your mother paralyzed from standing up for herself, and then again maybe she was hanging onto something she saw in him hoping that one day she would see it again. Whatever it was, it happened a long time ago and that's just where it needs to stay... in the past. It's over and done with and you have to find a way to get past it and lay it to rest."
Sonny went to stand at the window again. He wasn't seeing the scenery in front of him. He was looking at his mother's face. Aching that she was gone from him. He never lost one moment of the pain he felt at her death. Instead he fed the anger brought about by the circumstances of her death. If he could stay angry then the pain of the loss of her wouldn't consume him. He was beginning to see the price he paid because of the anger he hung onto. He chained himself to his anger in much the same way Alexis had chained herself to the events that surrounded her own mother's death.
"Just how do I do that. How do I get past it?"
"When was the last time you tried to remember your mother without anger, Sonny. Tried to see her as simply a woman who loved her son. That's what I want you to do. I want you to try and start remembering her as Michael's mother; not Sonny's mother who was beaten to death. They are two different women. The actual woman herself and the one you have built up in your mind that keeps you filled with anger, unable to see things as they really are."
Jumping slightly at the sound of his cell phone ringing, Kevin pulled his phone out and saw it was Johnny calling.
"I need to take this, Sonny. It's Johnny."
"By all means."
"Hey, Johnny. What's up?"
"We need to talk, doc. It's Alexis."
"Well, I'm with Sonny right now. Can it wait for a bit?"
"No, maybe Sonny needs to be in on this. If you don't mind I'd like to come by right now."
Kevin looked at Sonny trying to gauge if he should allow Sonny to participate. Taking a chance he left the decision up to Sonny.
"Johnny wants to come by. Something is up with Alexis or he wouldn't be calling me. You up to sitting in on it."
"Yeah. Have him come on by. We'll all deal with it together."
Turning back to his phone, Kevin told Johnny they would wait for him. Disconnecting the call, Kevin studied the phone a minute before addressing Sonny.
"It's been a pretty intense morning for you. Are you sure you're up to this? I don't have any idea what Johnny is going to be coming in here with... do you understand what I'm saying?"
"Yeah, for Johnny to come here without Alexis, it means he's either going behind her back because he's worried and she's got him backed against a wall or she's slipped away again. It's ok, Kevin. I can handle it. I'll deal with the other stuff after I leave. Sometimes this ability to shelve things comes in handy."
"Just don't shelve it too long. You need to deal with it. But, you already know that so let's just turn our attention to Alexis."
Kevin stood to open the door just as Johnny arrived. Ushering him in he closed the door behind him and sat down in his desk chair.
"What's going on, Johnny?"
Johnny looked at both men, sat down and put his head in his hands for a moment to collect his thoughts then looked back up.
"I don't know what to do. I'm afraid there's nothing I can do. She's in trouble and I just don't know what to do."
Kevin and Sonny both saw Johnny's hands shaking and looked at each other with concern. Sonny silently motioned to Kevin to let him talk to Johnny and Kevin agreed.
Sonny drew close to Johnny and laid a hand on his shoulder.
"Johnny, she's got your hands tied and I know that it's tearing you up that you're here against her wishes. Tell us what's going on and let's see if we can deal with it without her knowing yet that you came here. I know what that sounds like, but Alexis doesn't always know what's best for her until it's forced on her. Now, come on, tell us what's going on."
Johnny reached up and caught hold of Sonny's lapel and pulled him down to eye level. With unshed tears shining in his eyes he gently shook Sonny in part due to the desperation he felt on behalf of Alexis and partly due to his anger against Sonny for not being there for her when she needed him. With a voice that broke several times due to the raw emotion he was trying to keep control of, he told Sonny what he thought was doing the most harm to Alexis now.
"She wants to know who you are. She wants to know who the father of her child is and why he deserted her. She wants to know why you didn't love her enough to stand by her. She's hurting herself trying to remember because she's more afraid of not knowing than knowing. It's the fear of the unknown that's slowly tearing her apart and keeping her nights full of tortured sleep. I watch her tossing and turning and crying out, begging for you to come out of the shadows. Sometimes she gets so angry she wakes herself up shaking from it. We've got to do something. We've got to help her. She can't take much more of this."
Letting go of Sonny, Johnny raised his eyes to Kevin and stood slowly to stand in front of the desk where Kevin sat. Placing his hands flat upon it he leaned forward and pierced Kevin with his gaze.
"Kevin, you've got to do something. Please help me help her. I don't know how to help her anymore. And she needs help. Tell me what to do, doc."
Kevin got up and walked around his desk to stand beside Johnny. As he did he noticed that Sonny had moved away from Johnny and gone to stand by the window as he usually did when he was highly agitated or needed room to regain control of himself. The tension in the room had increased dramatically and Kevin needed to calm the two men down enough so they could discuss the problem objectively.
"It's ok, Johnny. We're going to figure out something before we leave this room. You need to calm down though. Your capability to reason things out is compromised by your emotion. So sit down and try to pull yourself together."
Watching Johnny do as he asked, Kevin walked over to Sonny.
"You need to use that ability you have to shelve your emotions again. I need the input of both you and Johnny to help me with this situation. You both know her better than I will ever know her and that's what I need right now. We will pull her out of this, but I need your help. I told you that there would come a time when I would have to call on you; well that time has come and it came faster than I wanted it to. But, it's here. I know we haven't had much time together to work things out, but I believe you are capable enough to do this. Are you ready?"
Wiping his hands up and down his face a couple of times, Sonny turned to Kevin and smiled wanly.
"I'm ready. Let's do what we have to do. She's the one who counts. Now and always."
And so it was that three men from totally different backgrounds and vastly different viewpoints came together with one cause. One woman drew these 3 men together. Each one with their own reason for wanting her well, joined by their commitment to see to her wellbeing. One who wanted his patient well, one who wanted his friend to be all that she could be, and one who simply wanted to love, honor, cherish and have her by his side for the rest of his life.
"Gentlemen, I think it's time to start introducing Alexis to the father of her child. Since this is a point that is so distressing to her, it needs to be addressed."
Sonny leaned forward full of worry for Alexis.
"Won't standing me in front of her and telling her I'm the father of her child cause her more distress since she has no clue who I am?"
"I don't mean we tell her flat out who you are. What I mean is that you begin by recreating scenes like what happened today. Show yourself around the grounds and talk to her. Just engage her in casual conversation. If she asks your name, tell her. I will be increasing the dosage of the relaxant so she won't be so prone to anxiety attacks. Johnny, I don't want her out of your sight for the next few days. If she wants to walk alone, which would be good to aid in the interaction with Sonny, follow at a safe distance behind. Take Joy for a walk if you find the need for an excuse. And don't look at me like that. The whole staff knows you have a thing for each other. It's never been a secret. Now, Sonny, just act as if you're getting to know one another. Like when you first met. If she asks about your past, tell her. Don't keep any secrets from her. The only thing I would warn against is any reference to Kristina. Since we do not know whether her dreams include her sister in any way the fact that she hasn't made reference to an unknown woman tells me that her knowledge of Kristina is still buried pretty deep. So Kristina is off limits."
"What if she asks me if I know Sonny or not. Do I tell her the truth?"
"Yes, Johnny. Always tell Alexis the truth. If she is given the truth for every question she asks it reinforces her faith in you. Answer her questions but don't offer any information."
"And if she asks me if Sonny is the man in her dreams?"
"That one's a little tricky. I honestly don't know how to handle that one. So, I'm going to leave it to your discretion. Read her body language. You have probably spent enough time with her to know how she will react before it gets too out of hand. Just do what you've been doing. Remember she trusts you, Johnny. I don't think there is too much you could tell her at this point that she wouldn't turn to you for help in dealing with."
Turning back to Sonny, Kevin eyed him with concern.
"I'm throwing you out there, Sonny. You've got your own issues you still need to deal with, not only for your sake but for hers as well. Can you handle all of this? What I mean literally is... I am going to want you here as much as possible. Will this business of yours hold until we're done here?"
Sonny nodded without hesitation.
"The business will hold. Jason can take care of it. Find me a room here somewhere. Anywhere will do. I will be here for her as long as it takes. With me being here it would be easier for you and I to continue what we started this morning as well. I'm serious about this, Kevin. You made me think. That hasn't happened since I walked away from my best friend and to be honest with you, I miss it."
"Ok then, we are all in total agreement about this little operation of ours? We have to be together on this all the way or we could hurt her. So, let me know now if you have any reservations about any of this."
Johnny looked at Sonny then Kevin.
"I'm in."
Sonny clapped Johnny on the back and also stated emphatically...
"We're all in."
"All right, let's get to work."
