...:.:.:.:.:.Try to quit you Baby.:.:.:.:.:..
Chapter 4- "Stillness of Heart"
*I got more than I can eat
A life that can't be beat
Yet still I feel this heat
I'm feeling incomplete
What am I buying?
My soul is crying *
Father sent me a letter today. Not exactly what I wanted to hear. Basically he went on and on about how I'd better not be hanging around some mud- blood, and if he hears about it again I'll wish I were never born. Funny how the first thought in my mind was to write a letter back saying 'you can kiss my white ass.' normally I'd be shaking in fear of him. Of coarse Sirius was near by and happened to mention that it wouldn't make things better to write that reply. So I just wrote back 'Yes, father. I understand, and I am deeply sorry for my error. Please do not take this small detour in judgment, on my part, against me.' I feel like such a fake. I almost ripped the letter into shreds when I was putting it on my owl. I'm sick of life as usual. There's so much negativity. I've been ready to take a long vacation and meditate my ass back to harmony. But, unfortunately that won't be happening anytime soon. "Are you coming or not?" Looking at Sirius I realized I must have been spacing out. "Uhh, yea. I'll meet you there..." Shrugging, Sirius took off for the Quiddich field. I don't feel like going to quiddich just yet. I don't feel like sweating to death- in the cold. No, that's quite all right, I think I'll just take a stroll. So now that's what I'm doing. I know it seems like this story is going nowhere, but honestly that's how life feels right now. Nowhere is my destination it seems. Yet, somehow my little stroll led me straight to the Muggle studies classroom, and without even heeding my father's word I walked in.
"What are you doing here?" Well, not the welcome I was expecting but it'll do.
"I'm standing in the door way looking at you." Lily rolled her eyes at my attempt to be cool comment. I must admit that was pretty lame. Sighing tiredly I just told her the truth. "I'm avoiding quiddich practice." Nodding and now smiling Lily raised he eyebrows
"Now see. Isn't it so much quicker to get to the point then dance around it like you always do Mr. Potter?"
"Why are you calling me 'Mr. Potter' ?" "Because, that's how I am suppose to address you in the classroom." Oh give it a break. My eyes unconsciously trailed down her body and when I looked back at her face I couldn't help but smile at the blush I found there. Lily is such a pure/hippie-sh nut. I have no idea how I even came to be attracted to this tease; then again, I guess it's because I'm a teaser.
"So, would you like to go to the formal with me?" Lily's head snapped up in surprise. Ahh, another involuntary action on my part. When will I stop saying what's on my mind?
"Umm, Ja- James. Umm.."
"No worries." I said, cutting her off. "Just a thought. I've got to be going to practice." Before she could say anymore to protest I was out the room down the hall. Something very strange was floating around in the pit of my stomach. Something foreign and terrible. Hurt.
* * *
I kind of avoided Lily for the rest of the weekend, let's just say it's my way of, ah, dealing with rejection. Of coarse I could be way worse off. I could be one of those people who asks someone out then has no back up. I on the other hand I had about 50 backups. So why am I being such a pussy about it? Why am I sitting in my room (right now) moping about the fact that in three hours after Transfiguration I am going to have to go to Muggle studies. Sighing as Remus walked into the room I put a pillow on my head. Just maybe I can pretend not to be real and he won't notice the other 120lbs of my body sticking out from under the pillow.
"James, are you trying to suffocate yourself? Or are you just hung over?" No such luck. The other 120lbs seems to have been spotted. Taking the pillow off my head but not bothering to get up I mumbled
"I'm slowing but surely transforming into a chameleon and blending in with the bed."
"Ah, well in that case I suppose you wouldn't like to be told that first block starts in seven minutes."
"No Remus. No I wouldn't."
* * *
Stupid mutha- ER friggin frackin bitch. I swear this school is ridicules. You skip out and by the end of first block they hunt you down. Just my luck Mackie mac mac found me RIGHT before muggle studies and pulled my ass out of bed. Screaming and all. I even told her
'You know, screaming and all like that isn't good for your health Mackie.' The bitch. She had nerve enough to say to me
'POTTER! I do not even know WHY you were put in this house! For once in my life I think the sorting had made a VERY big mistake. Also, the name is McGonagall to you!'
Well, McGonagall. Thank you very much. Now I have to go to muggle studies. Great, just great. I finally made it to the classroom and walked in the door just as the tardy bell rang. Taking my seat I made sure not to look at Lily at all, and to keep my face as neutral and cold as I could.
"All right. Well, you all will be pleased to know that the movies have come in." The class began to cheer and a smile played on Lily's face. "Ok, ok, calm down. Now, the first movie we'll be watching is Rocky Horror Picture Show. It's quite hilarious, and I must say, my favorite." The class was cheering again. That is until she said the next bit. "BUT you all will have to write me up a 12inch roll of parchment on the movie. What you liked/disliked, did you think it was funny, and would you ever take time out of your schedule to see it live." The class kind of did the sad 'aww' thing until Lily shushed them and popped the tape in.
The lights went out and I put my head down. No way was I gonna watch this stupid movie. Not when I felt this bad. Not when no matter how had I tried to push it down my hurt feeling kept roaring up into my face.
*All that I want is
Stillness of heart
So I can start
To find my way
Out of the dark
And into your heart*
Chapter 4- "Stillness of Heart"
*I got more than I can eat
A life that can't be beat
Yet still I feel this heat
I'm feeling incomplete
What am I buying?
My soul is crying *
Father sent me a letter today. Not exactly what I wanted to hear. Basically he went on and on about how I'd better not be hanging around some mud- blood, and if he hears about it again I'll wish I were never born. Funny how the first thought in my mind was to write a letter back saying 'you can kiss my white ass.' normally I'd be shaking in fear of him. Of coarse Sirius was near by and happened to mention that it wouldn't make things better to write that reply. So I just wrote back 'Yes, father. I understand, and I am deeply sorry for my error. Please do not take this small detour in judgment, on my part, against me.' I feel like such a fake. I almost ripped the letter into shreds when I was putting it on my owl. I'm sick of life as usual. There's so much negativity. I've been ready to take a long vacation and meditate my ass back to harmony. But, unfortunately that won't be happening anytime soon. "Are you coming or not?" Looking at Sirius I realized I must have been spacing out. "Uhh, yea. I'll meet you there..." Shrugging, Sirius took off for the Quiddich field. I don't feel like going to quiddich just yet. I don't feel like sweating to death- in the cold. No, that's quite all right, I think I'll just take a stroll. So now that's what I'm doing. I know it seems like this story is going nowhere, but honestly that's how life feels right now. Nowhere is my destination it seems. Yet, somehow my little stroll led me straight to the Muggle studies classroom, and without even heeding my father's word I walked in.
"What are you doing here?" Well, not the welcome I was expecting but it'll do.
"I'm standing in the door way looking at you." Lily rolled her eyes at my attempt to be cool comment. I must admit that was pretty lame. Sighing tiredly I just told her the truth. "I'm avoiding quiddich practice." Nodding and now smiling Lily raised he eyebrows
"Now see. Isn't it so much quicker to get to the point then dance around it like you always do Mr. Potter?"
"Why are you calling me 'Mr. Potter' ?" "Because, that's how I am suppose to address you in the classroom." Oh give it a break. My eyes unconsciously trailed down her body and when I looked back at her face I couldn't help but smile at the blush I found there. Lily is such a pure/hippie-sh nut. I have no idea how I even came to be attracted to this tease; then again, I guess it's because I'm a teaser.
"So, would you like to go to the formal with me?" Lily's head snapped up in surprise. Ahh, another involuntary action on my part. When will I stop saying what's on my mind?
"Umm, Ja- James. Umm.."
"No worries." I said, cutting her off. "Just a thought. I've got to be going to practice." Before she could say anymore to protest I was out the room down the hall. Something very strange was floating around in the pit of my stomach. Something foreign and terrible. Hurt.
* * *
I kind of avoided Lily for the rest of the weekend, let's just say it's my way of, ah, dealing with rejection. Of coarse I could be way worse off. I could be one of those people who asks someone out then has no back up. I on the other hand I had about 50 backups. So why am I being such a pussy about it? Why am I sitting in my room (right now) moping about the fact that in three hours after Transfiguration I am going to have to go to Muggle studies. Sighing as Remus walked into the room I put a pillow on my head. Just maybe I can pretend not to be real and he won't notice the other 120lbs of my body sticking out from under the pillow.
"James, are you trying to suffocate yourself? Or are you just hung over?" No such luck. The other 120lbs seems to have been spotted. Taking the pillow off my head but not bothering to get up I mumbled
"I'm slowing but surely transforming into a chameleon and blending in with the bed."
"Ah, well in that case I suppose you wouldn't like to be told that first block starts in seven minutes."
"No Remus. No I wouldn't."
* * *
Stupid mutha- ER friggin frackin bitch. I swear this school is ridicules. You skip out and by the end of first block they hunt you down. Just my luck Mackie mac mac found me RIGHT before muggle studies and pulled my ass out of bed. Screaming and all. I even told her
'You know, screaming and all like that isn't good for your health Mackie.' The bitch. She had nerve enough to say to me
'POTTER! I do not even know WHY you were put in this house! For once in my life I think the sorting had made a VERY big mistake. Also, the name is McGonagall to you!'
Well, McGonagall. Thank you very much. Now I have to go to muggle studies. Great, just great. I finally made it to the classroom and walked in the door just as the tardy bell rang. Taking my seat I made sure not to look at Lily at all, and to keep my face as neutral and cold as I could.
"All right. Well, you all will be pleased to know that the movies have come in." The class began to cheer and a smile played on Lily's face. "Ok, ok, calm down. Now, the first movie we'll be watching is Rocky Horror Picture Show. It's quite hilarious, and I must say, my favorite." The class was cheering again. That is until she said the next bit. "BUT you all will have to write me up a 12inch roll of parchment on the movie. What you liked/disliked, did you think it was funny, and would you ever take time out of your schedule to see it live." The class kind of did the sad 'aww' thing until Lily shushed them and popped the tape in.
The lights went out and I put my head down. No way was I gonna watch this stupid movie. Not when I felt this bad. Not when no matter how had I tried to push it down my hurt feeling kept roaring up into my face.
*All that I want is
Stillness of heart
So I can start
To find my way
Out of the dark
And into your heart*
