Chapter 41
"So, just how much do you know about me?"
Alexis found Sonny sitting on her favorite bench and as she drew nearer she
felt the oddest sensation that he was waiting for her. Now knowing that they
were once friends made her more hesitant in her approach. As he heard her
footsteps she saw him turn toward her and smile expectantly. Catching sight of
the smile that lit his face, she wavered. Her desire to talk with him was in
danger of being overshadowed by her fear of not knowing what she was walking
into. He knew her. They had been friends. Were they still friends? Was she the
friend he was talking about earlier? So many unanswered questions... The
decision to stay or to go was not a hard one. She needed answers. She stayed.
"Are you sure you're ready for me to answer that, Alexis?"
"Whether I am or not is of no consequence. I need to know before we
continue. You have me at a disadvantage and that's not something I feel
comfortable with."
"Well, I know you well enough to know that if I don't answer you honestly
then I'm through before I ever get started. I know you well enough to know that
if you don't feel in control of this situation, then you are going to leave me
sitting here cooling my heels while you run for the hills."
Feeling the panic rise within her, Alexis stood and took a few steps away
knowing she was losing her ability to breathe evenly. She jumped slightly as
she again saw a paper bag appear out of nowhere.
"Breathe, Alexis."
Turning to face him she took the bag from him and held onto it just in case.
Bowing her head not able to look him in the eye she asked the question that
held the answer she was most afraid of.
"It... it was me, wasn't it?"
"Excuse me?"
"I was the friend you were talking about earlier... wasn't I?"
His voice
was low, full of regret, full of loss.
"Yes."
"What happened, Sonny?"
Gently taking her elbow he led her back to the bench and waited for her to sit
before joining her. He knew she would eventually ask the question, but today
was not the day he had expected it. It was too soon.
"You and I have a connection that we never expected to have. If what I
suspect is true then you have already felt it or you wouldn't be here now.
Before we go on, I need to know if that's true. Have you felt it?"
"Yes. And I don't understand it given I have no memory of you at all.
There's just this... pull."
"I know. It's the same with me. But, there is something more important to
me at stake here. I made mistakes with you. Mistakes that I cannot go into yet,
because they have the ability to hurt you. I won't do that again. So, I'm
asking you to please drop this line of questioning for now. You will have all
of your questions answered in time. But there is just too much danger in what
lies behind us for me to start laying it all out there for you right now."
Alexis stood once again to put space between them. She did feel the pull
between them, but even the mystery of it could not out weigh the fear it
brought to her as well. And now he was asking her to stop questioning him.
Defiantly she turned on him.
"How am I supposed to carry on a conversation with you when our memories
are so unevenly matched? It is becoming clear to me that you know a whole lot
more about me than anyone else has ever known before. That fact alone gives you
power over me. I'm not so easy to get along with someone that has that kind of
power over you. And from the way you were talking about your 'friend'
earlier, which you have now identified as me, then it's pretty likely that the
word 'hurt' is an understatement. How do I know that it won't happen again?
What is it that you can lay on the negotiating table that would endear me to
continue this... whatever this is?"
"Look, none of this is going to be easy, especially for you. How about I
offer suggestions of questions you would need to know the answers to in order
to understand the depth of the friendship we had at one time?"
"Wouldn't it make more sense for you to just give me the answers to the
questions without going through the charade."
"Can you trust me on this, Alexis?"
As the word came from his mouth a searing white hot pain shot through the side
of her head and groaning she leaned forward holding her head in her hands.
"You have a place in my
life... I trust you."
"And that costs me."
"Alexis? Alexis... what is it? Tell me. What is it?"
Raising her head as the pain passed she tried to focus on Sonny's face but for
the first time since the pains began her vision was slightly blurred. The pain
more intense this time than ever before, but it brought a vision with it. She
saw herself in her penthouse living room talking with someone. Talking to
someone… As her sight cleared so did the face in her vision. It was him. It was Sonny she was talking to.
She moved away from him a few steps more then looked back.
"We were friends. We were good friends. And... and... we talked. All the
time."
"Yes, we did."
"So... why am I having a problem with the word trust? It's been a point of
contention ever since I... came back. Can you enlighten me on that at
least?"
"Without getting into things better left on the shelf for now, let's just
say I let you down."
"You can't leave it there Sonny and expect me to just accept it. I need
more. You want me to trust you, but you're not giving me anything to base it
on."
It was
tearing at him that he couldn't give her everything she wanted. She was desperate for answers… answers that
only he could provide. But as much as
he wanted to help her, he also knew what she was headed for… she would once
again have to face that, in the end, she wasn't able to trust him as much as
she thought she could and it caused her a lot of pain.
"I know, Alexis. There's just too much that can hurt you at this point.
Please, let me try to do this in a way that won't hurt you anymore. I've done
enough damage to you. I don't want to be the cause of any more hurt. Please
don't ask me to."
"Do you not understand what you're asking of me? You're asking for blind
faith from me knowing that you've hurt me in the past. You're not giving me how
it happened or to what degree or any of the circumstances around it. You're
just asking me to step out on a limb here with no net to catch me should I
fall."
"I know, Alexis. I know what I'm asking. And I know what it's going to
take for you to take that step. It goes against every fiber in you. You don't
trust easy. You never have. And it stems from a life full of hurt, abandonment,
pain and fear. Let me be your net. I won't fail you again. You have my word,
Alexis. If you fall, I will be here to catch you."
She
looked at him suddenly with horror.
"You know. You know about Helena, my father... the way I grew up... you
know, don't you?"
"Yes."
Should he? Should he let her know just how much she had trusted him at one
point? Knowing it was the only way to convince her he lowered his voice to an
almost whisper thinking it would help the impact.
"And I know about your mother. You trusted me once, Alexis. Let me prove
to you that you can again."
Watching her, he saw the tears begin and stood slowly. Cautiously walking
toward her he took a chance. Lifting his arms hesitantly, he gently took hold
of her and stepped closer. He wrapped his arms around her loosely not wanting
her to become alarmed at his closeness. She immediately stiffened and started
to draw back then stopped. Feeling as if he had made a mistake and intruded
into her private space he started to lower his arms but froze when he felt her
hands settle at his side and her head come to rest lightly on his shoulder.
Afraid of causing any more distress he simply stood there quietly holding on to
her while she wept. He would let her make the next move.
His touch sparked a feeling within her that she couldn't define. Standing there
within the circle of his arms she had at first felt an overpowering need to
retreat, but something stopped her. The longer she allowed his arms to stay
around her, the more she wanted to rest in the comfort they offered. In order
for him to know of her mother, they must have been quite close at one time. She
felt him begin to let go and an enormous sense of loss engulfed her. Needing
him to hold her just a moment longer, she placed her hands at his side and
leaned forward just a bit to lay her head on his shoulder. Somehow it felt right
and even as she acknowledged the feeling, it brought more tears; tears of
frustration that she couldn't remember their friendship.
They stood together a few moments longer then Alexis pulled away. Wiping away
the tears from her eyes she turned slightly away from him embarrassed by them.
Feeling his touch on her arm, she glanced sideways at him, then immediately hid
her face from him again.
"Alexis, you've cried on my shoulder before. There's nothing to be
embarrassed or afraid of here. Come sit with me. I need to talk to my
friend."
Alexis followed him back to the bench and sat down beside him.
"This is not easy for me, Sonny."
"I know. Things are totally out of control and it frightens you."
Smiling just a little she glanced at him shyly.
"You really do know me."
"And even though you don't know it yet. You know me just as well if not
more. And that's what I want to talk to you about. I want to try to rebuild for
you what you knew of my past. Kind of clue you in on how I grew up so we'll be
a little more evenly matched in our knowledge of each other. That's what I
meant by my offering the kind of questions you would probably want to ask in
first learning about someone. Hopefully in the process we can help each other
out. You up for it?"
Shrugging her shoulders with a slight nod of her head she mentally put her foot
out on a limb that looked shaky at best and miles away from solid ground.
Looking into eyes filled with care and promise she answered timidly with a hint
of a smile that never reached her eyes. She was hesitant and afraid of what she
didn't know. She was giving him power over her it seemed for the second time
and she was terrified.
"Ok, here I am... stepping out on a limb. But remember, you promised to
catch me if I fall, sport."
"Right. Now, I guess I should probably start where our friendship, in my
opinion, began in earnest. I needed some legal advice and it led to my telling
you about my childhood. My mother remarried when I was eight to a guy who liked
to beat on women and children. Which is a large part of why I am now spending
time with one of the docs here. It has a direct bearing on the temper issues
that you and I both think I need to resolve."
"You and I both? I've talked to you about your temper... wait. I have. You
like to break things."
It was there all of a sudden. The image was clear and real.
"It was you. You were there. After Helena kidnapped me. You forced me to
break a vase and it escalated from there until I could finally reach a release
of what she put me through. You stayed with me."
"Yes. I didn't think you were handling it too well and I wanted to help.
And the only way I had ever found any kind of a release was to lash out at
things... or people. I've never been any good at expressing myself, so I break
things. I'm learning that it's not always the best way to deal with my
problems."
Worried that things were going too fast, he leaned toward her and put his arm
behind her along the back of the bench.
"Alexis, a lot of ground has been covered in a very short time and it
concerns me. I need to know how you're doing. You've got the shade pulled down
some and it's a little difficult to read how you're handling this. I need some
help here."
"To be honest I'm a little shaky. I've never let anyone get as close to me
as you seem to have gotten. That scares the daylights out of me. I don't
understand how you got into my head so deeply. Stephan, my brother, doesn't
even know me as well as you seem to. It is very disconcerting and I have to
admit it's causing me to question the saneness of my mind in the past even
more. You can hurt me with what you know. Seriously."
Leaning toward her a little more to make his point, Sonny gave her a little
ammunition of her own.
"Yes, I could hurt you with what I know. But, you can also hurt me,
counselor."
The revelation left her breathless. His attorney. Surely not. It couldn't be.
Yet looking at him, she needed him to say it. Put words to it.
"I was your attorney as well as your friend?"
"Yes. But I need you to understand that the only reason I told you that
was so that you will know we were equal in what we knew of each other. That's
as far as I am willing to go at this point though and I need you to leave it
there for your own safety."
"I'll agree... for now. I need some time to process all of this. Can we
try a lighter topic of conversation for awhile? I'm a bit on overload at the
moment."
"I think it's a good idea. In fact, as much as I hate to suggest it, you
might need a breather from me for awhile."
Looking at him and studying him... taking in the simple sight of him... his
face, his eyes... she found she didn't want to leave yet. Even with what she
now knew... she found she was beginning to lean on him more for the truths of
her past. Her instincts were telling her that he wanted nothing more than to
see that she regained control of her memory, her life and their friendship. She
could clearly see how important their friendship had been to him.
"Not yet, Sonny. Not yet."
Sitting together under the big oak tree that she had awakened under, Alexis
couldn't help but feel she was beginning a new era of her life. One, it seemed,
that would again include the man who sat quietly beside her. The man she was
beginning to learn again. A hint of excitement mingled with her uncertainty as
she stole a glance at him. The man she knew simply as... Sonny.
