Chapter 46

"He's out there waiting for me, isn't he?"

"Probably."

"I'm not ready yet. I need some time, Johnny."

"Take all the time you need, Alexis."

"I need time to think... to put it all together and I can't think knowing he's out there... just waiting. Can we get away from here for a while?"

"Why don't we jump in the truck and head out to the country?"

"To the gazebo?"

"Why not? I'll put together a bit of lunch and we'll just make a day of it. Take as long as we like. I'll stay out of your way if you want me to and you just do whatever you want to get all of this settled."

"Are you sure, Johnny?"

"You already know the answer to that partner. You go get ready and I'll get Joy to help me put together what we'll need."

Alexis watched as Johnny went to the door to get Joy. The murmuring of voices met her ears and she escaped to her room to get away from them. She didn't want to know what they were saying. There was enough to occupy her thoughts already without worrying about what the others were up to. She changed her clothes and sat down to wait for Johnny to return. As she sat there, she glanced up at the bulletin board in front of her. Standing slowly she walked over to it and systematically began taking down the cards. 'Fat lot of good this did me.' Returning to sit on the side of the bed she lifted her hand to caress her child.

"Well little girl, it looks like I'll be able to tell you about your father after all. Although I'm not too sure I'm ready to talk about him. It still hurts. I wonder if it will always hurt. Will I ever be free of him? It's very rare that I run from anything, but right now I just need some time to sort everything out. But, don't you worry my little one. You're mother will handle all of this and you will not suffer for the mistakes that your mother made. I promise you that."

Hearing a hesitant knock on her door, she turned to find Joy standing nervously inside the bedroom door.

"It's ok, Joy. Come on in."

"I just wanted to make sure you were doing ok physically. You're bound to be under a lot of stress right now. Anything I can do to help."

"Lending me Johnny as much as you do is enough. You have my word Joy, that one day soon I'll stop running to him with all my hang-ups. You'll have his full attention."

Joy smiled kindly at Alexis.  She wanted to hug her friend, to provide what little comfort she could, but knew by looking at Alexis, that she wasn't ready to interact with anyone unless it was her idea.  So she gave her what comfort she could with words.

"I already have his full attention, Alexis. Although he goes to you when you need him, he thinks of me first. What he does for you, he does for both of us. When you hurt, he thinks of me because he never wants me to be hurt the way you have been hurt. He wouldn't be the man I fell in love with if he didn't care for his friend the way he does. So don't you worry about taking my Johnny away for a while. You need him, I know that and it makes me proud that he's the kind of man that can be depended on."

"Thank you Joy, for loving him. I can't think of anyone who deserves it more than Johnny does. It's nice to know there are women in the world who do not let unwarranted jealousy and insecurity rule their every thought and action."

"Hey partner, you ready to go?"

A small smile appeared on Alexis' face as Johnny appeared in the doorway behind Joy. Looking back at her, Alexis stood slowly then walked toward her and pulled her into a brief hug.

"Thank you, Joy. We'll be back soon."

"Take your time, Alexis. And sometime later, I might just ask you what you meant by that last statement. You've got me curious now."

"And it might just help me to discuss it with another woman; especially one who is as self-assured and content as you are. See you later, Joy."

"Bye."

Walking to the door she waited as Johnny opened it and she met Sonny face to face. He stood in the hall talking to Kevin with a look of desperation on his face. Attempting to walk by him without speaking she felt him catch hold of her arm. Jerking away from him, she ducked her head at the look of hurt that passed across his face.

"Not now, Sonny. I need some time alone to find a little perspective in all of this."

"We need to talk, Alexis. I need to talk to you."

Looking back at him, Alexis recognized the look of determination that fell on his face and became angry.

"Not now. Whatever you have to say to me can wait until I'm ready. I realize that is a foreign concept to you, but that is the way it's going to be. When I'm ready, not before. If you have a problem with that, maybe you should talk to Kevin. He's quite good at hitting the nail on the head at times. Now back off. Don't make me ask Johnny to assume the role of bodyguard. He's quite good at it, oh... but then again, you already knew that, didn't you?"

Stealing a quick look at Kevin, she took hold of Johnny's arm urging him forward. Turning her back on Sonny, she felt his eyes boring into her and consciously settled her uncertain steps into a calmness she didn't feel. She refused to allow him to see what his presence still had the ability to do to her.

An hour later, she and Johnny were sitting quietly in the gazebo listening to the sound of water dancing over and among the twigs and pebbles that lie in the brook. Alexis looked at Johnny out of the corner of her eye, braced herself and turned slightly to look him directly in the face.

"Johnny, I wasn't quite honest with you about why I wanted to come out here. I want something from you and you're not going to like it. In fact, I feel pretty sure you're going to put up quite a fight."

"No. I won't do it. I don't care how much you beg or plead or get mad at me. I won't do it. I won't tell you what you haven't remembered yet. Best get that clear right now."

Sighing in frustration, her shoulders slumped slightly and she returned her gaze to the brook.

"How did you know?"

"Because as painful as what you've already remembered has been for you, you know that it wouldn't have caused you to land at Ferncliff. And whatever you feel for Sonny now, you wouldn't run from it. You would face it head on and deal with it. So, I figure you're thinking that whatever happened to get you here had to do with something you think you did to hurt somebody else. I saw how you reacted to decking me. It threw you big time... not because of how I reacted to it... but you went a bit haywire simply because you figured you hurt somebody you cared about."

"You have to agree it makes perfect sense. I did something horrible to someone and I couldn't handle the consequences."

"Not true. I've already told you that you didn't do anything wrong. You took care of business in the only way you knew how. That's it. Now, this conversation is closed. We need to take care of the memories you have gotten back and deal with them. Let the rest stay where it is until its time for them to come."

He watched her become more frustrated and angry with him but knew he there was no other choice but to stick to what he told her. She wasn't ready for Kristina. Not yet. But, he knew it was coming... and it was coming soon. Time was against him, so he stepped up the pace a bit.

"How do you feel about Sonny right now, Alexis?"

"I don't want to discuss it."

"Believe me I know that. But, you have to. You have to have all of this settled in your mind before everything else comes. I believe you can handle the two situations if they come at you separately, but together they're just too much. So we really need to be smart about this and handle them one at a time. Now, I know you are going to want to hit me for my next suggestion, but I believe it to be important enough to say it anyway."

He waited for her gaze to meet his.

"You need to talk to Kevin about some of this. He's experienced... he does this for a living. He's a professional, like you."

Fear caused her to compromise.

"If there comes a time when I don't think I can handle it, I'll call Kevin. Is that good enough for you?"

"I guess it will have to do... for now."

They sat silently for a few moments until Alexis had gathered enough of her thoughts to answer his previous question.

"There's anger and disappointment. There's hurt and disillusionment. He became someone I no longer recognized. He did things and made decisions reminiscent of the man he was before... "

"Before you came into his life?"

"I don't know... maybe."

"He's always been that man, Alexis. It's just that with you, he thought more about his actions. You challenged him... He listened more to you. Don't make the mistake of believing him to be more than he really is. Yes, you saw potential in him and because of that he saw it too and it made a difference with him.  But, he is still the same man he has always been. At least he was until this happened."

"What do you mean 'until this happened'?"

"You should have seen the way he reacted when I told him what happened to you. I thought he was going to kill me. Max had to pull him off me. He choked me so long that I passed out."

"WHY? He never cared that much about me. I was his attorney and his friend."

"You were more than that Alexis, and you know it. He depended on you. You became the one person he could rest with. He trusted you completely. You gave him what no one else would. You held up a mirror in front of his face and asked him to become accountable for his actions; to look at what he was doing from a different point of view. You never asked him to change, you accepted him as he was. And because of it, he became a better man. When Carly came back and you left, it seemed like the heart went out of him. I didn't even recognize him any more."

"I tried to stay. I really did. But, then the baby... and Zander... I couldn't. I just couldn't put my child in the middle of all that... "

As she sat there remembering, her head began an incessant pounding. It became so intense that the sunlight peeking through the slats above them became unbearable. She closed her eyes against the light and moaning from the pain her head fell to Johnny's shoulder.

"What is it, Alexis?"

"Head... hurts. Hurts bad. Can't... see... sun hurts."

It didn't take much for Johnny to realize that their conversation was too close to the memory of Kristina. He needed to divert it fast and the only thing he figured that could do it effectively was to refocus the conversation back onto her feelings for Sonny.

"Do you still love him, Alexis?"

Lifting her head from his shoulder Sonny's face appeared in her mind's eye. His sweet beautiful face. The face that she still loved and now feared because of what she knew he had the power to do to her. As she thought of him, the ache in her head disappeared and she sighed in relief.

"I care about him whether I want to or not. I don't seem to have much control over it."

Taking her hand in his, he spoke very quietly.

"Seems to me if two people 'care' about each other they should try to work things out between them."

"I cared... he didn't. He walked out on me and went back to his wife. There's nothing to work out. Things are what they are. I'll get over it."

"I think I should remind you that there was a period of time that you had no clue what was going on in the world. You really don't know everything that's been going on with Sonny."

"What... he finally decided for the 999th time that he wanted to divorce his wife? I've been that route with him. I don't care to travel it again."

"Just don't close the door on any options that may be open to you."

She studied Johnny for a moment. There was something he wasn't telling her and she seriously doubted he would say anything further. Becoming irritated with him she stood and stepped down from the gazebo into the sunlight.

"You're trying to force my hand, aren't you? By keeping the rest of your little story to yourself, you figure I'll get curious enough to ask him. Johnny, I've had about enough of the games."

Johnny sat there a moment dumbfounded at the change in her. Trying to find a way to reach her he remembered a story his grandmother told him and he smiled. Stepping down to stand beside her, he gazed at her and reached for her hand. He waited until she placed her hand in his.

He had such kind and caring eyes. She was ashamed that she spoke so harshly to him. Of all the people she knew both now and in her past, this man had never deceived her, never lied to her, never shown one moment of irritation with her. He gave unconditionally to her welfare. Reaching toward him, she placed her hand in his and tightened her grip.

"I'm sorry, Johnny."

"It's ok. Come here, I want to show you something."

He led her to the side of the brook and knelt down gently urging her to join him.

"Look. See the way the water flows. It flows one way toward its intended destination. It moves constantly forward. It cannot return to where it came from. It can only continue forward. We can't change how the water got to this point but we can influence the way it flows from here."

Reaching down he picked up a good size stick and placed it half in and half out of the waters flow.

"Now, the water's course has shifted. The water still flows toward its destination, but now an outside force has changed the way it flows. That's the way our lives are. We can't change our past, but we can choose how we want our future to progress. Alexis, it's a brand new day full of possibilities. You can choose the path you want to travel from this moment on. What do you want, Alexis?"

Looking up from the brook, he glanced at her to see how she was taking what he shared with her. Her face was peaceful and the tiniest of smiles graced her face as she watched the progression of the water.

Alexis reached down placing her fingers in the water and watched in fascination as the water shifted to find a new route around the unexpected obstacle and continued on without hesitation... without skipping a beat. It was the natural order of things, a day-to-day occurrence. One of those miracles of creation that you take for granted. But Johnny had opened her eyes to the parallel of the nature of a running brook and her life.

"It was your grandmother, wasn't it? She told you that, didn't she?"

"What... you don't think I could have come up with it on my own?"

"Frankly, no. You're a wise man, Johnny. But, something like that could only have come from the wisdom of one with many years of experience in living."

"Yes, it was my grandmother."

"Well, she made your point for you. Thank you for sharing it with me. That's quite an anecdote that I will want you to share with your goddaughter some day. But, for now... it's time to go back. It's time I prepared myself to face him... one on one. We have a few things to settle."

As they stood side by side, in unison they turned to gaze at the headstone that lay a few feet away. Smiling together they joined hands and began the trip back... he to the love of his life and she to deal with the man who still held her heart.