Disclaimer: It isnÕt exactly Christmas break but who cares. IÕm updating my story due to
a review I received recently. This review was my first "critical" review.
Akaci: Um...I'm sorry, but this just isn't that great. First of all, why is Garet so...stupid? It's like
he has an IQ of 8 or something. And Ivan? He's just being a total jerk! Plus, you have many
spelling and grammatical errors. Oh...it's Isaac, not 'Isacc'.
Now don't get me wrong, this has a lot of potential. It has a nice storyline and plot altogether, but
the writing itself isn't that great, and the characters are kind of OOC. Try getting a beta-reader to
help you...
My response: Thank you for your critique. Yes some characters are OOC. I like to make Garet
stupid but I may have done it to the extreme. I also do believe Ivan is a jerk and I will change
that immediately. The "Isacc" spelling will be rectified in my chapters when I find some time. I
canÕt really correct my grammatical errors because I suck in grammar. IÕm a regular fan of
Golden Sun who doesnÕt pay much attention to grammar. I will try my best to proofread my
work. By the way what is a beta reader?
The moon shone brightly upon the sky. Everybody was still sleeping including Isaac who
was still drenched in blood from the mass killings last night. Garet kicked his bed sheets
immediately when the moonlight shone flickered upon his eyes. He stood up and shook
everybody awake. He yelled,
" Come on! We have a mission to do remember? Wake up!" The adepts grunted and
awoke to the yelling of the enraged fire adept. Jenna whisked Garet into a corner. She whispered,
" Remember your manners Garet. It is rude to wake up everybody up with your loud
tempers." Garet look down at his feet by his wifeÕs comments. He replied,
" I thought I had a perfectly good reason. Judging by the height of the moon, I say it is 10
oÕ clock, if IÕm not mistaken." Jenna peered out through the window and said,
" Yeah youÕre right. We must hurry! Sorry for scolding you Garet." She kissed him softly
on the cheek and told everybody to get ready. Mia went outside to check on Isaac. Isaac was still
sleeping with his head on top of a rock. His clothes were stained by dried out blood. Mia cast
douse. A black cloud appeared on top of Isaac. The raindrops dripped on IsaacÕs body. Isaac
began to stir with his eyes glistening. The blood seeped away from his wet clothes. Isaac stood
up and said,
" Was that an attack you used against me? Oh well, you did a good job of waking me up.
I feel refreshed and ready to start a new day." Mia replied,
" That is very nice of you but maybe you should get your stuff. Everybody is leaving
without you if you donÕt hurry up." Isaac ran into the room. He adorned his armor and strapped
his belongings behind his back. He took out his Sol blade. The blade now had a reddish tint to
the blade. It looked beautiful because of the light rays shining on the blade. He sheathed it and
walked outside. His friends greeted him immediately. They set of to the next town. Based on
FelixÕs map, the next town was 2 miles east of their position. 2 miles was a short distance run for
them and ran throughout the whole way. While they were running, a conversation was stricken
about how Isaac grew so powerful within a short amount of time. Piers said,
" I have had lotÕs of experiences in my time but I had never seen a person grow so much
in character and in power. You have grown to a fine young man. IÕm speaking from an elderly
point of view." Felix chuckled and said,
" I thought you said to always treat you as how you look like not your real age." Piers
replied,
" Sometimes I like asserting my older side. IÕve been living on this Earth for many
centuries and have only seen so little compared to what I have seen the last few years."
Everybody was shocked by the phrase "many centuries". Nobody in their right mind could
imagine living for that long. Piers noticed the sudden shock and said,
" Just treat me like a normal 20 year-old. I donÕt want to be bogged down by traditions of
respecting your elders." Ivan, the fastest runner in the group, sped ahead and pointed to
civilization. To their luck, the lighthouse was nearby. Garet peered towards the lighthouse and
said,
" Yes! The lighthouse isnÕt lit. We can still make up for lost time. Surely Alex must be
there." Everybody sped towards town. In this town, they could see children playing with their
dogs. Their moms were cleaning the clothes using soap and water. The fathers were tending
their farms. What troubled them was that the town was filled with potholes and unclean "waste"
by both animals and humans. Nobody seemed to care about the cleanliness of the town. Before
they could scale the lighthouse, they had to feed their grumbling stomachs. Garet noticed a
building with brick tiles as the roof. There was a sign in big letters, "Inn". The adepts quickly
rushed into the building. The innkeeper asked,
" How may I help you?" Felix answered,
" Can we have some food?"
" Sure. Are you going to stay here for the night?" The innkeeper replied.
" No thank you. I donÕt think it would be necessary."
The adepts sat at a circular table. The innkeeper brought the typical chicken on top of rice
meal. It didnÕt matter to Garet. He as usual finished the meal within seconds. Garet looked
around the premise. There was dung everywhere. The people for the first time smelled worse
than them. He said in disgust,
" I want to leave here as soon as possible. This place is like our townÕs dumpster." Felix
wondered,
" What is the town called?" He motioned to the innkeeper and asked the question. The
innkeeper replied,
" This town is called Litaria. Is there anymore questions you may like to ask?" Garet
commented,
" Why is this place like a dump? Do you guys ever take care of your town? I see waste
everywhere. DonÕt you care about sanitation?" The innkeeper replied,
" This is none of our business. We donÕt really care about keeping our town in tip-top
shape." Isaac stepped in and said,
" If the townspeople donÕt care, surely the mayor cares for the good of this town." The
innkeeper stood there not comprehending the new vocabulary. She asked,
" What is a mayor?" Garet replied,
" Do you not know what a mayor is? It is that person who is in charge of the town and
keeps everything in order."
" I donÕt understand. There is nobody who does that. The closest connection, I can make
are the clans that rule this world." Ivan asked,
" Enlighten us about these clans. We were attacked by one last night." Garet pulled Ivan
aside and said,
" We donÕt have enough time for chit-chat. We have to leave immediately." Ivan replied,
" I do know that. I just want to know what these clans are about and should it affect our
decisions." Mia told the innkeeper that they had to leave to reach their next destination. The
innkeeper was full of curiosity and asked,
" Where do you want to go?"
" We want to traverse the lighthouse over there." Jenna pointed out. The innkeeper sat
there appalled. She tried to speak but stuttered in every word. She finally said,
" There has never been a single person who survived the Uranus lighthouse. Nobody has
been able to pass UranusÕs tests and ordeals. They werenÕt successful in satisfying UranusÕs
wishes. I beg of you not to write your death wishes." Felix replied,
" We have no choice. We must stop the lighthouse from being lit. If Uranus forbids us
than we must still move on." The adepts left the Inn. The Uranus lighthouse was in the distance.
They ran as fast as they could. They were very close to the lighthouse when, suddenly the earth
shook violently. A piece of land cracked open and jolted into the sky. As the distance became
shorter, the ground became more and more unstable. Rocks flew everywhere in all directions.
Traveling towards the lighthouse wasnÕt going to be an easy one.
(Important)
Me: Right now, IÕm trying to lay the framework of my story. IÕm concentrating on putting my
ideas on to paper. The plot may be slow moving sometimes but also fast moving sometimes.
Most of my writing is spurious and is sometimes not well thought out. Once I finish my story. I
will go back and fix the OOC of characters and add a little more plot development. I will also
add more emotional connections between Isaac/Mia and Garet/Jenna. Right now IÕm interested
in telling my story.
a review I received recently. This review was my first "critical" review.
Akaci: Um...I'm sorry, but this just isn't that great. First of all, why is Garet so...stupid? It's like
he has an IQ of 8 or something. And Ivan? He's just being a total jerk! Plus, you have many
spelling and grammatical errors. Oh...it's Isaac, not 'Isacc'.
Now don't get me wrong, this has a lot of potential. It has a nice storyline and plot altogether, but
the writing itself isn't that great, and the characters are kind of OOC. Try getting a beta-reader to
help you...
My response: Thank you for your critique. Yes some characters are OOC. I like to make Garet
stupid but I may have done it to the extreme. I also do believe Ivan is a jerk and I will change
that immediately. The "Isacc" spelling will be rectified in my chapters when I find some time. I
canÕt really correct my grammatical errors because I suck in grammar. IÕm a regular fan of
Golden Sun who doesnÕt pay much attention to grammar. I will try my best to proofread my
work. By the way what is a beta reader?
The moon shone brightly upon the sky. Everybody was still sleeping including Isaac who
was still drenched in blood from the mass killings last night. Garet kicked his bed sheets
immediately when the moonlight shone flickered upon his eyes. He stood up and shook
everybody awake. He yelled,
" Come on! We have a mission to do remember? Wake up!" The adepts grunted and
awoke to the yelling of the enraged fire adept. Jenna whisked Garet into a corner. She whispered,
" Remember your manners Garet. It is rude to wake up everybody up with your loud
tempers." Garet look down at his feet by his wifeÕs comments. He replied,
" I thought I had a perfectly good reason. Judging by the height of the moon, I say it is 10
oÕ clock, if IÕm not mistaken." Jenna peered out through the window and said,
" Yeah youÕre right. We must hurry! Sorry for scolding you Garet." She kissed him softly
on the cheek and told everybody to get ready. Mia went outside to check on Isaac. Isaac was still
sleeping with his head on top of a rock. His clothes were stained by dried out blood. Mia cast
douse. A black cloud appeared on top of Isaac. The raindrops dripped on IsaacÕs body. Isaac
began to stir with his eyes glistening. The blood seeped away from his wet clothes. Isaac stood
up and said,
" Was that an attack you used against me? Oh well, you did a good job of waking me up.
I feel refreshed and ready to start a new day." Mia replied,
" That is very nice of you but maybe you should get your stuff. Everybody is leaving
without you if you donÕt hurry up." Isaac ran into the room. He adorned his armor and strapped
his belongings behind his back. He took out his Sol blade. The blade now had a reddish tint to
the blade. It looked beautiful because of the light rays shining on the blade. He sheathed it and
walked outside. His friends greeted him immediately. They set of to the next town. Based on
FelixÕs map, the next town was 2 miles east of their position. 2 miles was a short distance run for
them and ran throughout the whole way. While they were running, a conversation was stricken
about how Isaac grew so powerful within a short amount of time. Piers said,
" I have had lotÕs of experiences in my time but I had never seen a person grow so much
in character and in power. You have grown to a fine young man. IÕm speaking from an elderly
point of view." Felix chuckled and said,
" I thought you said to always treat you as how you look like not your real age." Piers
replied,
" Sometimes I like asserting my older side. IÕve been living on this Earth for many
centuries and have only seen so little compared to what I have seen the last few years."
Everybody was shocked by the phrase "many centuries". Nobody in their right mind could
imagine living for that long. Piers noticed the sudden shock and said,
" Just treat me like a normal 20 year-old. I donÕt want to be bogged down by traditions of
respecting your elders." Ivan, the fastest runner in the group, sped ahead and pointed to
civilization. To their luck, the lighthouse was nearby. Garet peered towards the lighthouse and
said,
" Yes! The lighthouse isnÕt lit. We can still make up for lost time. Surely Alex must be
there." Everybody sped towards town. In this town, they could see children playing with their
dogs. Their moms were cleaning the clothes using soap and water. The fathers were tending
their farms. What troubled them was that the town was filled with potholes and unclean "waste"
by both animals and humans. Nobody seemed to care about the cleanliness of the town. Before
they could scale the lighthouse, they had to feed their grumbling stomachs. Garet noticed a
building with brick tiles as the roof. There was a sign in big letters, "Inn". The adepts quickly
rushed into the building. The innkeeper asked,
" How may I help you?" Felix answered,
" Can we have some food?"
" Sure. Are you going to stay here for the night?" The innkeeper replied.
" No thank you. I donÕt think it would be necessary."
The adepts sat at a circular table. The innkeeper brought the typical chicken on top of rice
meal. It didnÕt matter to Garet. He as usual finished the meal within seconds. Garet looked
around the premise. There was dung everywhere. The people for the first time smelled worse
than them. He said in disgust,
" I want to leave here as soon as possible. This place is like our townÕs dumpster." Felix
wondered,
" What is the town called?" He motioned to the innkeeper and asked the question. The
innkeeper replied,
" This town is called Litaria. Is there anymore questions you may like to ask?" Garet
commented,
" Why is this place like a dump? Do you guys ever take care of your town? I see waste
everywhere. DonÕt you care about sanitation?" The innkeeper replied,
" This is none of our business. We donÕt really care about keeping our town in tip-top
shape." Isaac stepped in and said,
" If the townspeople donÕt care, surely the mayor cares for the good of this town." The
innkeeper stood there not comprehending the new vocabulary. She asked,
" What is a mayor?" Garet replied,
" Do you not know what a mayor is? It is that person who is in charge of the town and
keeps everything in order."
" I donÕt understand. There is nobody who does that. The closest connection, I can make
are the clans that rule this world." Ivan asked,
" Enlighten us about these clans. We were attacked by one last night." Garet pulled Ivan
aside and said,
" We donÕt have enough time for chit-chat. We have to leave immediately." Ivan replied,
" I do know that. I just want to know what these clans are about and should it affect our
decisions." Mia told the innkeeper that they had to leave to reach their next destination. The
innkeeper was full of curiosity and asked,
" Where do you want to go?"
" We want to traverse the lighthouse over there." Jenna pointed out. The innkeeper sat
there appalled. She tried to speak but stuttered in every word. She finally said,
" There has never been a single person who survived the Uranus lighthouse. Nobody has
been able to pass UranusÕs tests and ordeals. They werenÕt successful in satisfying UranusÕs
wishes. I beg of you not to write your death wishes." Felix replied,
" We have no choice. We must stop the lighthouse from being lit. If Uranus forbids us
than we must still move on." The adepts left the Inn. The Uranus lighthouse was in the distance.
They ran as fast as they could. They were very close to the lighthouse when, suddenly the earth
shook violently. A piece of land cracked open and jolted into the sky. As the distance became
shorter, the ground became more and more unstable. Rocks flew everywhere in all directions.
Traveling towards the lighthouse wasnÕt going to be an easy one.
(Important)
Me: Right now, IÕm trying to lay the framework of my story. IÕm concentrating on putting my
ideas on to paper. The plot may be slow moving sometimes but also fast moving sometimes.
Most of my writing is spurious and is sometimes not well thought out. Once I finish my story. I
will go back and fix the OOC of characters and add a little more plot development. I will also
add more emotional connections between Isaac/Mia and Garet/Jenna. Right now IÕm interested
in telling my story.
