Chapter 47
"I've lost a lot in my life, Kevin. If I lose her... I don't see how I'll survive it. She means everything to me. Today, when she went to Johnny, I felt something in me break. I realized when she turned on me in the hall that she has more strength... more determination... more resolve inside than I could ever hope to have. That is what has sustained her and protected her. I have to face the fact that Alexis does not need me. She never has. It's me that needs her. I need her in my life. And I'm afraid I've lost her."
"Don't you think it's a little too soon to be stating what is and what isn't regarding Alexis. She has a good solid year of memories bombarding her and that's quite a lot to be dealing with even for the strongest of people. And as strong as she is, and I have to admit I've never seen anyone stronger or more capable, it's still going to take time for her to sort it all out. I figure that's what she's doing right now wherever it is that she coerced Johnny into taking her."
"Do you think she's ok? I mean from what you saw... "
"Sonny, I stopped second guessing that woman the day she woke up. She's proved me wrong on so many level's it's embarrassing. The woman just doesn't quit. Her ability to process, deal with and compartmentalize the issues of her life simply astounds me. She will become a new case study for future student reference if I ever figure out how to write it without compromising her identity."
Sonny chuckled wryly as he stood at the window starring at the precise spot where his life had taken on new meaning this morning. In surrendering Alexis to Johnny, he finally reached the point of total selflessness where she was concerned.
"I come to you to help me deal with her and you can't even figure her out. Priceless. Simply priceless. Thanks a lot, doc."
His inability to help or be allowed to help Alexis had placed Kevin firmly on the defense.
"Now wait a minute, Sonny. I don't have to be able to understand her to be able to help you. You're easy. All we have to do with you is figure out how to get your 'Mt. Rushmore' size ego down to a more manageable level. And in the process hopefully get you to realize that you are not the most powerful and influential man that you so obviously think you are."
"Just because you're upset you can't figure her out, doesn't mean you get to attack me, Collins."
Visibly backing down, Kevin moved to the sofa in his office and sat down heavily thinking he would certainly be glad when he got the two of them back out into the world and out of his hair. And it would be a cold day in hell if they ever found out that the two of them had sent him back to his reference books to try to find some way to help them. Damn control freaks.
"Sorry, Sonny. I didn't mean it to sound like that. But, you have to admit she could try the patience of Job himself."
"Yeah, just one more reason to love her, if you ask me."
"Ok. Ok. I get it. But, tell me something. You have any tricks up your sleeve on how you're going to deal with her when she does come back; or are you planning on setting me up again?"
Sonny reluctantly smiled at the reference to their previous argument then grew serious again.
"It's up to her. Like she said, when she's ready then we'll talk. I just need to be ready for it. There's no telling what she's going to come at me with first. I don't know if she's remembered everything or not. She was on me about having her at a disadvantage, now she's holding all the cards and my butt's flapping in the wind. I just hope she gives me the chance to fill in the facts that she has no way of knowing."
"Will they change the way she views you?"
"I can only hope. Her sister meant the world to her and even though it wasn't by my hand that she died; it was still my warehouse... someone coming after me... my lifestyle."
"What about the child? Do you plan on forcing the issue with her?"
"It's my child... my daughter. I'll leave it alone until Alexis is strong enough to handle it, but I won't give up my child."
Kevin saw Sonny visibly become agitated and pressed him further.
"Mighty strong statement given who the mother of the child in question is."
"It's my child too. I have a right to be in my daughter's life."
"No matter the risk to her or to her mother?"
"ENOUGH."
"Why, just because you say so. Is that how you are going to respond to Alexis when she asks the very same question. And she will... you know she will."
Kevin shook his head as Sonny moved toward the door abandoning the subject as well as the impromptu session.
Just as Sonny reached the door, his cell phone rang. Stopping mid-stride he glanced back at Kevin and pulled the phone from his pocket.
"Hello."
"It's Johnny. We're back, but don't come down here. She asked me to call you and tell you she would meet you at the regular place in the morning at 10:00. And you need to know... Sonny she remembers everything except Kristina."
"How is she?"
"She's remarkable."
"That I know, now answer me. How is she?"
"She's ok. But, you better get ready. She's fighting back in the only way she knows how. It's going to be rough for you."
"I'll handle it."
"Sonny, you remember what I told you the day we went to the store. You hurt her again and I'll come after you, friend or not."
"I understand, Johnny. And I don't hold it against you. Thanks for taking care of her. If you need anything, just call."
Hanging up his phone, he turned back to Kevin with a solemn face.
"They're back and she's ok according to Johnny. She wants to see me at 10:00 in the morning. Johnny says I need to be ready. What that tells me is she's locked away her feelings so she can deal with the answers she needs from me."
"How are you going to deal with it?"
"She will probably come at me in full lawyer mode. All I can do is answer her as honestly as possible. I can't offer excuses or try to charm my way out of it. I have to give her what she needs and it could very well cost me what I want the most."
"Can you live with that?"
Sitting down in the chair opposite Kevin, Sonny starred at the floor.
"I honestly don't know. All I know right now; is that I have to give her what she wants. Regardless of what it costs me in the end. That's something new for me."
"But it proves to me, that your time here has been productive. There are things that we still need to deal with, but for now I think you have enough on your plate. My suggestion to you right now is to get out of here for a while. Go find somewhere to relax, find something to do that will take your mind off all this as much as possible."
"I think I'll take you up on that suggestion and go see my son. I need to see him and it'll help pass the time until tomorrow."
Sonny walked to the door again and hesitated. Without turning around he addressed Kevin one last time.
"Thanks, Kevin. For everything."
"No problem. I'll see you later."
"Yea."
_________________
"What made you remember, Alexis?"
Alexis had joined Joy in the kitchen to watch her fix dinner.
"It was the sound of a car backfiring. It sounded just like gunshots and I remembered Sonny getting shot. He saved my life by shielding me with his own body."
"That must have made quite an impression on you."
"It did. Coming from the family I come from, that level of sacrifice was totally alien to me. He didn't think about the consequences, he just stepped in front of me and threw me to the ground thus taking 3 bullets in the chest that should have hit me."
"Is that when you started becoming aware of your feelings for him?"
"I don't know. Maybe we ought to talk about something else."
Alexis did not want to share what she felt for Sonny or how it came to be. It was too personal and existed on too many levels. Putting voice to it would make it more real... give more life to it and that was something she didn't want to happen.
Laying down the knife she was using to cut up vegetables, Joy picked up a towel to dry her hands off then joined Alexis at the table.
"I understand your hesitation about discussing this. But, you need to. You've not discussed any of what you've felt about your memories since they came back. All of that is still locked up in that head of yours. For your own peace of mind, you need to talk about it Alexis. I won't take anything that is said between us outside these walls. You have my word."
"Whether or not you take what is said in this room out of this room or not is not what bothers me. My feelings are my own. My thoughts are my own. They are private. I don't share them with anybody. It is a right that I take very seriously."
"You don't share them with anyone... except for maybe Sonny. So what happens to those feelings you have for Sonny that you can't or won't share with him or anyone else. What happens to them?"
"Joy, I'm asking you as a friend to let this go. I have to sit down with him in the morning and face a lot of difficult issues. I don't need the added stress of what you're putting me through right now. Please, just let it go."
"All right, Alexis. I'll drop it. But if you ever need to talk about this or anything else, just remember I'm here."
"Thank you, Joy. I'll remember that. Now I think I'll go lay down for a few minutes."
"We okay, Alexis? I didn't mean to offend you."
"You didn't. And yes we are ok."
Walking back to her bedroom, Alexis went to stand in front of the window. She didn't need to discuss her feelings for Sonny. She knew what they were and no amount of discussing them would alter the fact that those feelings needed to be put away and forgotten. Loving Sonny was simply not an option she could consider.
As she stood there gazing out the window, she saw the object of her musings walk out toward the parking lot. She could tell by his walk that his mind was occupied with matters of concern. Her heart clutched at the unhappiness she saw in him. His face was made for smiles and laughter. He deserved to be happy after what he had endured in his life. As he reached his car he opened the door then looked back toward her room. Their eyes met and held. He raised his hand and waved briefly then got into his car and pulled away.
"Nobody said I was easy to get along with."
"Nobody is... especially when they're hurt."
"Occupational hazard."
"Of every occupation."
The memory didn't bring with it the usual pain in her head. But it did bring remorse. 'Ok, we've both been hurt in the past; all the more reason to put this all behind us and move on with our lives. You go your way and I'll go mine. But, I have a feeling you're not going to let that happen, are you? Why are you here, Sonny? What is it that you want from me now? I don't have anything left to give you. Ok, so that's not exactly true. But, what would you expect of me. To simply hand over my daughter to you just because you demand it. Sorry, buster. Not going to happen.'
Alexis looked down at where her child lay within the comfort of her womb and caressed her gently. She knew Sonny didn't know the child was his yet. If he did she would have known instantly why he was here.
"It's not just the danger of his life and what that means for you, my little one. The blood of my father flows in your veins as well. The danger to you from my family is just as real as the danger your father surrounds himself with. I just don't want to spend my life tied to the hurt, the loss and the pain I feel because of your father. I don't want to have to constantly be on my guard around him; afraid he will see what I feel for him. I don't want to give him any more power over me. It just hurts too much."
Alexis moved away from the window highly irritated at herself for the way her thoughts had progressed.
"Do you hear your mother, little girl? Whether or not you know your father or not should not be about me. It should never be about me. And I can't let it be. I have to separate myself from the picture so that what's best for you is all that is left. I'm sorry my precious girl for being selfish."
As she stood there absently caressing her child the image of one woman assaulted her. No matter the excuses... regardless of the reasons... there was really only one credible obstacle that kept her child from knowing her father. Carly Corinthos. The 'varmint' as Johnny would put it.
"If I allow your father to know your true paternity, then the shrew he's married to also becomes a part of your life. I cannot allow that, my precious girl. She has already threatened me once where you are concerned. I love you too much to place you in any kind of situation that could hurt you."
At the sound of Joy's call, Alexis put away her concerns for the next couple of hours and enjoyed spending the evening with her friends. Tomorrow would come soon enough. Tonight she needed to simply relax and find a moment of peace, even if it was tenuous at best.
