Before we go any further, I feel I must set the record straight on a certain issue. I have never taken a psychology course, never read any books on the subject or suffered through any formal education regarding the psyche. I'm an accountant who simply likes to write about the way people deal with life. It's more common sense than anything else! With that said… we continue.

Chapter 58

"Wasn't there anyone who cared for you, Alexis?"

Kevin listened as a voice void of emotion became filled with yearning and loss... of love for a brother and intolerance of a way of life forced on her.

"Stefan did. Well, as best he knew how given the role models he was left with. He was the boss. He gave the orders and I carried them out. I didn't question him very often at all. I didn't want to take the chance of losing what little affection I received. He did the best he could for me. He will always have a part of my heart. He fought for me on more occasions than I can remember, sometimes to his detriment. All Cassadine love comes at a cost. He and Sonny are alike in many ways. They don't know how to show love. They don't forgive easily. And their pasts rule their lives. I think Stefan finally saw what he allowed his past to do to him and I think he's getting past it now. I hope so. I want him to be happy. I think he could have been happy with Chloe if..."

"Hey, let's hold it here a minute. Tell me how you felt about Chloe."

"I don't know that I can. She meant the world to me as a friend. I never had a friend like her before. Not like Chloe. She was such a beautiful person; such an open giving heart. No matter what was going on in my life, she was on my side. She gave her all to her relationships; whether it was family, a man she was interested in or a friend. It was easy to love Chloe. She surprised me. I couldn't understand how one could love so completely and without reservation. That's how she loved. Without reservation. I envied her so much. I still miss her. I think I will for the rest of my life. I couldn't save her though."

"You couldn't save her? Wait a minute, from what I hear you were no where near her when she died."

"No, I wasn't. But, I should have kept her away from my family. I knew what my family was capable of. I should have protected her from them."

"That doesn't sound like a rational thought, Alexis."

"Rational is not a word that can ever be associated with the world of Cassadine."

"Why do you insist on accepting responsibility for things beyond your control, Alexis? You sit here and tell me you should have protected Chloe. My question is what could you have done to save Chloe's life? You were no where near the island and you didn't know that Chloe left the hospital that afternoon. From what I gather, Chloe by her own choice walked into a dangerous situation to help someone else. Her choice... not yours. Because of her caring heart she wanted to help. This time... the price she paid was her life. But, it was still... her choice to make."

"I guess. It just seems like I could have done something... anything."

"Is that the way you view your mother's death as well? Do you think you could have somehow prevented her death?"

Kevin watched as a single tear dropped from her cheek. Pulling his handkerchief from his pocket he gently wiped away the path the tear traveled before finally dropping into her lap.

"Alexis, you are required to take responsibility for the choices you make. In attempting to take on the responsibility for the choices, mistakes or actions of someone else... you are infringing on their rights as individuals. They were given the same rights you were... if they don't choose to make the right decisions then the consequences are theirs to deal with. Not yours."

"If they cannot see the danger ahead of them and I do, then what is the harm of taking steps to see that they remain safe."

"All you can do for those you care about is to warn them or enlighten them to possible harm coming their way. You are wise beyond your years, Alexis. That little girl you were had to grow up fast in order to survive a situation that was forced on her. Because of that you have a better grasp on life than most of the people you know. You also chose not to let your past defeat you. You pulled yourself up by the bootstraps and did what you had to do in order to achieve a safe and functional place in life. And you did a damn fine job of it. 'Natasha' is safe and independent, able to care for herself now. Chloe and your mother made choices that cost them dearly. They exercised their right to choose their own path. Just because you loved them doesn't mean you have the right to accept responsibility for the choices they made. Is it really reasonable for you to hold a seven year old child responsible for the actions of an adult... or to hold yourself responsible for the death of a woman who gave her life trying to save someone else?"

"I guess not. But, I can't just stop helping those I care about. If they need me... "

"Helping is fine, but taking on the responsibility of the consequences of their actions is not. You simply don't have that right. Let me give you an example. How many times has Sonny bailed Mike out of trouble?"

"Quite a few it seems."

"And what has Mike learned? He's learned he doesn't have to deal with the consequences of his actions because his son will bail him out if he gets into trouble. Would you really want to take that right... that experience away from those you love? Dealing with the consequences of our actions is a learning experience. It is the difference between being strong or weak as a human being."

Kevin knew they were getting a bit off track, but given the remaining memory Alexis still needed to deal with it was important that she understand that trying to shoulder the responsibility for others actions was neither reasonable nor in her best interests.

"You're saying I should have let Sonny go to jail?"

"No, I'm not saying that at all. In fact, I'd prefer leaving Sonny out of this conversation. I probably shouldn't have used him as an example. As his attorney, you did what you were supposed to do. From what I gather you were very straightforward in informing him of the differences between right and wrong and what is acceptable behavior and what is not. And because of that, he's reevaluating his life, his actions and his relationships with his family. I'd say you were right on target in your dealings with Sonny."

"He certainly gave me a run for my money at times. He lives by this code that I've never been able to quite figure out. There is so much more to him than anyone else knows. He wears a mask to protect himself from people looking to harm him."

"Just like the many masks you wear to protect yourself."

Alexis flushed a little and bowed her head a moment to collect and sort the many emotions that were running wild within her. She was so intent on cataloging her varied emotions she barely heard Kevin continue.

"You know I am simply stunned by the woman I know you to be now, Alexis. It's been quite an enigma to try and figure you out."

Looking up and letting her eyes travel over the landscape she hesitated one more moment as she effectively closed all emotional doors in her mind except one. The one door that she depended on most she left wide open. The guard that stood at the door of her heart stood erect and ready to protect and defend.

"What do you mean?"

"There is just so much more to you than I ever could have guessed. You've been quite fascinating to study and I applaud you for how well you've survived the traumas of your life. I am amazed that you came out of it all so well. But, I think it's time for you to deal with a part of yourself that you've spent many years trying to hide from. I'll admit you led me a merry chase. I knew I was missing something, but I couldn't quite figure it out until now. How long has the fear been a part of your daily life?"

Alexis froze. The question threw her coming out of the blue as it did. It startled her so much that she was unable to hide her immediate reaction.

Kevin saw the shock instantly wash across her face and her struggle to put everything back into its rightful place. He watched her relax slightly and knew she succeeded in putting the fear away again.

"What fear?"

"The fear that one day all that you have endured in your life will catch up with you and you won't be able to handle it."

"I've done quite well, I think."

"You've done remarkably well. Right up until the last time the memories of all that you have endured caught up with you. I believe anyone else would have succumbed a long time ago. But you were able to hold on longer because you had help, didn't you?"

Alexis began to fidget nervously. She didn't like where this conversation was going at all. Kevin was getting too close.

"In fact you lean quite heavily on her strength. Don't you think it's time to acknowledge just how much you do depend on her?"

"Kevin, please leave this alone."

"I think you know I can't, Alexis. You spend a great deal of time trying to keep her under control, don't you?"

Alexis stood and took a few steps away from Kevin. That one compartment she closed and locked years ago was threatening to come unhinged and she was afraid of the consequences she would have to deal with if that door opened again.

"Yes." It was a quiet answer full of agony laced with relief that the secret was no longer hers alone.

"Why?"

"She has so much anger and hate that if I don't keep her under control she will hurt... I have to keep her under control, Kevin. It frightens me to think of what she is capable of. She grew up Cassadine. She knows their ways... she learned how to survive by way of Cassadine."

"You don't give yourself enough credit, Alexis. All that she is you are and all that you are she is. That little girl grew up with you. Natasha is a part of you. A very real part. The courage and strength it took for her to survive is imbedded in you. Trying to separate yourself from her left you vulnerable. You can't keep thinking of her as if she were someone separate from you. The two of you are one."

"You don't understand, Kevin. I know the damage that kind of anger and hate can cause; I never wanted it to be a part of my life. But, it is. I do hate. I hate the woman who took my life from me. The hate is so rich and deep that if I don't keep it locked away it can take over. It's the same hate that I saw in Helena and... the same anger that I see in Sonny. Nothing good can come from it. Look at what it's done to them. The last time I lost control of her... she hurt a lot of people."

It was quick, fierce and hot. The pain sliced through her head with such intensity it buckled her knees. Kevin jumped to her aide and led her back to the bench and helped her sit down.

"What is it, Alexis? What do you see?"

"Me. Red dress. I was... I was screaming at someone."

"Is that all?"

Alexis relaxed a little as the pain and the vision left her. It caused such a profound reaction in her that she now felt drained.

"Yes. It's gone now."

"When the vision appeared did it bring any feeling with it? Don't push it, but was there an emotion with the vision?"

"Yes. It was a... sense of loss... and intense rage. Not just anger... so much more... deeper... darker. It was her. I couldn't stop her. It just reaffirms why I must keep her under control. She doesn't think before she acts. She hurts people with vicious words if she feels threatened in any way... or someone she loves is being hurt."

Kevin knew what dress she was referring to as she had been brought to Ferncliff wearing it. He did not want to take the chance of forcing memories Alexis wasn't prepared for yet so he pulled back from the topic of conversation and led her gently into another.

"Alexis when was the last time you felt really at peace?"

"Peace." Alexis laughed derisively. "In order to enjoy a sense of peace it would mean that I hadn't grown up Cassadine. That Helena never existed. That a little girl didn't lose her mother in a horribly tragic manner. That my family didn't cost me my best friend. Peace. There will never be complete peace for me. There was once... almost. Even then there was the threat that something would happen to take away what little happiness I found. And just as I have come to expect... it was taken away as well. But, at least I have my child to look forward to. She is my hope. I will do whatever I have to for her to have a peaceful life... maybe then... through her I will find a measure of peace."

Even though Kevin knew quite a bit about Alexis' life by way of her brother Stephan, he wasn't willing to concede that she would never find any peace. He believed that she could enjoy a peaceful existence... but it would only come when her desire for a peaceful life matched her need to escape the bonds that kept her tied to her past.

"Alexis, what is it that you want most in this world?"

Alexis glanced at Kevin to try and discern what he was leading her into by his question. Seeing that the question was sincere and free of innuendo she relaxed and thought a moment before answering.

"If that question had been asked a few months ago, I'm quite sure my answer would have been totally different from what I want now. But, in saying that I would also have to admit that I would not have offered a response of any kind back then. I never allowed such personal questions and became quite aggravated if someone were to be so forward as to ask such a question."

"And you're stalling. It is a simple question. All that is required is a simple answer."

"There's no such thing as a simple answer to that question. It has too many avenues one could get lost in. Right now, at this very moment, I want my child to be born healthy... and free."

"I'm not sure I understand the 'free' part. Could you elaborate a little for me?"

"Free from harm. Free from a life marred by the mistakes of her mother. I don't want her tied to a past full of vendetta... vengeful retaliations... fear because of the Cassadine blood that flows through her veins... and Corinthos blood. I don't want her to grow up afraid to love."

"As her mother did?"

"I want my daughter to grow up secure. I don't mean financially. I want her days to be happy, carefree... full of joy. Just once for a child born of the 'Cassadine House' to know what is it feels like to walk through a park... through a mall... anywhere... without having to constantly be looking over her shoulder."

"There is nothing wrong with wanting those things for your daughter. But, there is also nothing wrong with wanting those things for you. If that is what you want then work toward making it a reality."

"My past... its history won't allow the possibility. Someday, Helena will be back. And with her return there is no telling what horror she'll bring with her. I have to be prepared. I have to make sure she is not able to get to my child."

"Alexis, all you are promised is this day. You cannot live in the past and you cannot live in the future. The responsibility you have is to make this day the best that it can be... not only for your daughter but for yourself as well. Take both hands and grab onto this moment and live it. I promise you, you will be amazed at how much you can pull from one moment. Look around you. What do you see?"

Totally puzzled by the question, Alexis looked around her, then answered.

"The sanitarium, the parking lot, trees, people... "

"Now let me tell you what I see... you see people; I see old man Reese holding the hand of his wife quietly and desperately begging her to remember him... I see nurse Dunn gently leading a patient into the yard hoping to get a response... any response. Look over there, two birds one male one female... he courts her with a beautiful serenade. Look at the red and gold leaves of fall... they will all eventually drift to the ground to make room for new life in the spring. I see smiles... I hear laughter... and tears. It's life, Alexis. It's the natural progression of one moment toward another."

"That's how I want my daughter to see it. It's too late for me, but it isn't for her."

"Who's going to teach her? Whose example is she going to follow? If that is what you want for your daughter, then it stands to reason that she will only learn it from you. And don't tell me it's too late for you. It's not... yes, it will take time... it will take being consistent... and it will take dedication. But, you more than anyone else I know have the stamina and the determination to make it happen. And I think that once your daughter is born it will become easier, because children have a way of making us take that second look at life through their eyes. You know, you've always maintained that Sonny needed to let go of his past; I think it's time you let go of your own as well, not just for the child's sake Alexis, but for yours as well."

"If only I could."

"You can, Alexis. It's a matter of choice. Wrap your arms around that little girl who suffered so much at the hands of Helena and make her a functioning part of you. Lean on her strength and welcome her courage. Teach her what you know of kindness and patience. Teach her what you've learned about giving... Make the two of you one. Stop thinking of her as being separate... she is a vital part of who you are now. Take it slow and easy, one day at a time. Let go of the fear... don't let it cripple you any longer."

"That's a pretty tall order. Just how do you propose I accomplish that feat?"

"When you feel the fear or any other negative emotion rise, question it. Where is it coming from? What circumstance came up that initiated the emotion? What are the facts surrounding the fear... anger, whatever? And always remember... feelings are not facts. Base your response on the facts of a situation rather than your initial feelings regarding the situation. Then ask yourself, were the feelings valid... were they rational?"

"Sounds like the art of arguing a court case for a stranger. You have no choice but to argue the facts since you have no personal involvement."

"Exactly. Feelings tend to cloud the issue. Once you've weighed the truth of the matter then you can allow an emotional response based on fact rather than supposition. It won't be easy because allowing our feelings to dictate our behavior has become a way of life for us. More often than not, our negative feelings lead us to react inappropriately; such as jumping to the wrong conclusion or passing judgments without all the facts and so forth."

"I see what you mean."

"Enough to try and look at a few facts concerning a certain former client of yours who is trying his hardest to do the same thing I'm asking you to do?"

In studying Alexis, one would never have guessed the battle that raged in her heart. Kevin sat quietly beside her and waited. He could tell he presented a case worthy of her skills as an attorney. He was depending on her sense of fairness and her love of Sonny for her to make the right decision now.

"I guess I owe him that much, don't I?"

"You don't owe him anything, but I think you won't regret it."