Chapter 60
Arriving back at Ferncliff, Sonny went in search of Kevin. He wanted to check in and see if Alexis was doing okay, but he also wanted to tell Kevin about his visit with his dad. Entering his office, Sonny stopped at the secretary's desk first to see if Kevin was available.
"I'm sorry, Mr. Corinthos, but Dr. Collins is with a patient at the moment. Could I leave him a message for you?"
Feeling a bit exasperated, Sonny wrote a short note out on the notepad the secretary handed him then went to the cafeteria for lunch. In his note to Kevin he asked that if time permitted would Kevin meet him there for a few moments before he started his afternoon rounds.
Sonny waited for an hour before he finally saw Kevin enter the room and head his way. Sonny stood just as Kevin stopped at the table and offered his hand to shake then hesitated a moment until Kevin sat down with him.
"Can I treat you to a bit of lunch, Kevin?
"No, I don't have but just a minute or two. I have a pretty big afternoon scheduled. But, I wanted to stop by and see how you were doing. Were you able to accomplish what we discussed?"
"Yeah. I just came from there. It went pretty good. We talked and things are ok."
"How do you feel?"
"Ah, the classic shrink question. Well, I feel good. Hopeful. So, enough about me. How is Alexis? Anything new come up?"
"Actually I spent the morning with her. Surprisingly it was a rather productive session. But, I think what you really should be asking me is when will it be okay for you to try talking to her again."
"Uh... Uhm... don't you think it's too soon? I mean, things got a bit tense the last time I talked to her. Hell, tense is too easy a word. She got downright angry with me. I don't want to upset her again."
"I think she will be a little more agreeable than the last time you saw her. If you want my professional advice... then I would suggest you try. See what happens. Use your common sense. If things begin to get a bit testy, back off. All you should be after right now is just finding some common ground to stand on. Nothing heavy... just talk to her. See where it leads."
Sonny sat back and tried to calm the excitement that began to rise in him at Kevin's prompting. He wanted desperately to see Alexis. He needed to see her. Catching himself and reigning in the selfish thoughts, he began thinking of her. What to say to her... what to do for her... jumping to his feet as an idea presented itself, he clapped Kevin on the back a couple of times, said thanks and took off.
Kevin laughed at the eagerness he saw on Sonny's face as he left the cafeteria. Standing and stretching a bit, Kevin headed back to his office to begin his afternoon's schedule.
Within a few minutes of leaving Kevin, Sonny arrived at the door to Alexis' suite. Trying to calm the butterflies in his stomach he raised his hand and knocked.
Alexis was standing at the window in the living room wondering what she was going to do for lunch when she heard the knock. Frowning a bit uncertainly, as she wasn't expecting anyone, she went to the door and opened it to find Sonny standing there with a wealth of trepidation displayed across his face. He looked like a little boy who had gotten caught with his hand in the cookie jar. Smiling hesitantly herself, Alexis stepped aside and invited him in.
Observing her unease, Sonny decided it would be easier for her if he spoke first.
"It's time for lunch and I know Johnny is out today. So, I thought maybe I could fix you some lunch or just give you this and be on my way."
Alexis watched as he pulled a package of microwave popcorn out of his pocket. Accepting the package from him she grinned shyly then gave it back to him. She watched the expectant look on his face fall into one of sadness as his eyes strayed to the floor in front of him. She reached out and lightly touched his arm to bring his eyes back up to hers then crossed her arms in front of her protectively.
"You should know that Johnny would never allow me to run out of popcorn again after the last time. So, I really don't need this package, but since I am hungry and I really would like something other than popcorn... and since you did offer... and I know that the refrigerator is full of stuff... I mean stuff that I wouldn't have a clue what to do with... but I'm sure you probably would... and since Joy isn't around... "
Sonny smiled and lifted his hand waving it in front of her face a couple of times to halt her rambling.
"Alexis… Alexis. Breathe. It'd be great if you'd let me fix something for you. But, you're gonna pass out if you don't breathe."
They each looked into the eyes of the other and the rest of the world fell away. In that one moment, the camaraderie they always shared returned and they rested in the familiarity of it.
Sonny took her hand lacing his fingers between hers and pulled her toward the kitchen with him.
"Come on. Let's see what we can find. You look like you could eat a horse."
Alexis yanked on his arm and indignantly responded trying to keep the laughter out of her voice.
"Well, that's not very flattering."
"Yeah, but it is the truth, right?"
"It's still not very flattering."
"No, it's not. But, I just couldn't imagine asking you to sidle up to the side of a trough."
She slapped at him and tried to pull her hand out of his still trying to sound exasperated with him.
"Now, that's just downright insulting."
"Now you know why I said the horse thing."
She lost control over the laughter that threatened to choke her if not released and thrilled at the sound of his unrestrained laughter as they walked together to the kitchen.
Alexis sat down at the table smiling contentedly as Sonny went about pulling this and that from the cupboard and refrigerator. In no time at all it seemed a sumptuous aroma filled the room and a plate of roasted vegetables piled on top of a grilled chicken breast was placed in front of her. With more eagerness than she intended to show, Alexis filled her fork full and tasted the treat before her. As the taste and aroma of the dish assaulted her senses she closed her eyes and sighed. Savoring every moment of the experience she smiled as though she had just been given the moon.
"I take that it meets with your approval?"
Opening her eyes, she met his expectant ones.
"Your head is already too big."
"That means you like it."
Ignoring the sense of déjà vu that came over her, she smiled again and gave him what he expectantly waited for.
"It is soooo good. Absolutely wonderful."
His childlike grin caused her heart to jump.
"Sometimes it comes by pure inspiration alone. And you do inspire me, Alexis."
Sonny watched her duck her head in sudden uncertainty and backed off.
"So what time do you expect Johnny to return?"
Silently thanking him for changing the subject Alexis relaxed.
"He and Joy should be back sometime this evening. I hope they are enjoying themselves. They deserve it. Did you know that Johnny asked Joy to marry him?"
"Yeah, he told me about it. They look good together. But, I gotta tell you, he sure does make it hard on the rest of us guys."
"What do you mean?"
Sonny hesitated a moment before answering. He wasn't sure if he should explain his conversation with Kevin regarding Johnny or not. Deciding to be open and honest he sat back and answered her.
"Kevin and I were talking about how Johnny treats women. I asked him how guys like us learn what Johnny learned when we didn't have the same advantage he did in learning how to treat women… you know, with a woman like his grandmother."
Alexis was stunned at the honesty Sonny was showing her. For him to ask such a question of anyone proved that he was doing a lot of soul searching. She was curious to know what Kevin told him.
"What was Kevin's response?"
"He said that most guys stumble around in the dark until they land on something that works for them, but that it was usually a trial by error process."
"Trial by error?"
"Yeah. You try a lot of stuff until you hit on the one thing that works."
"Seems like a lot of time would be wasted with that process."
"That's what he said."
"Did he offer any other way around the issue?"
"Yeah."
Alexis could tell he was becoming uneasy, but couldn't understand why. So she pressed a little harder.
"What other way did he suggest?"
"The other way requires that a man swallow his pride and ask the woman what it is that she needs from him."
"Oh."
Sonny felt like he was walking around blind in a small room without knowing where the door was. He knew all he had to do was carry the conversation just one more step and ask her what she needed of him, but he was reluctant to follow through. It would be so easy for her to reject him in a conversation like this. Taking another moment to settle his nerves, he reminded himself that Alexis was the one who counted now. She deserved the best that he could give her.
"He told me that he wasn't willing to set his pride aside so he took the long way around and did the trial by error thing. I told him I didn't have a lot of time to fumble around in the dark like that and he agreed that if I wanted to know what you needed from me then I was going to have to swallow my pride and ask... so... so I'm asking."
Alexis' heart was racing. She was hearing all the words, but she was having a hard time accepting what he was saying. What she needed from him? Sonny was asking what she needed from him? Why? She needed to know why.
"You're asking me what I need from you? I don't understand what you want from me, Sonny."
Sonny sat back in his chair and rubbed his hands up and down his face a couple of times. Wishing the words would come easy he tried again.
"Somehow Johnny knows what it is that a woman needs to make her happy. Kevin says his grandmother taught him how to be... you know... the way he is... I don't know how to explain it. But, whatever it is... I want... " He sighed with frustration and tried again. "You know I'm not good with words... I never have been. Maybe that's the problem here... but I need to know what you need from me."
"Why, Sonny? Where is this coming from?"
Putting his elbows on the table and bowing his head to rest in his hands, Sonny looked deep inside himself and let go of the remaining fear of rejection and let his heart talk for him.
"I need to know because I want to give you what you need to be happy with me. I need to know because you deserve everything you want and more. I need to know because I love you and I want you to have everything you've never had and always wanted. You are important to me. I have spent my life looking out for myself and I don't want to anymore. I want to spend the rest of my life looking out for you."
Her quiet stunned words interrupted him.
"You what?"
"I want to spend the rest... "
"Not that part."
"You're what's important... "
"Before that."
Sonny knew what she wanted him to say again and he smiled. Getting up from his chair he went around the table to kneel beside her. Taking both of her hands in his he gave her what she wanted.
"You mean the part about me loving you?"
"Yeah, that part."
Did she hear him correctly? Did he say he loved her? Was she dreaming? She wanted more. She needed to know if it was real. When did he... She reached up slowly and touched her fingers to his cheek. That answered one question. He really was kneeling beside her. Her whisper caused his smile to widen.
"When?"
"When? I really can't put a date on it. But, I realized it when I took that trip I told you about. You know, to your school then to Carnegie Hall and Puerto Rico. Remember. I told you I found you. I did, but I found so much more on that trip than I ever thought I would. But, I don't want to talk about me, Alexis. I want to talk about you."
She shook her head at him.
"And I can't talk about me without talking about you. But Sonny, you have to know that it can't work between us. We're too different. There's too much that can go wrong. I have to think about the baby."
She couldn't have known how much her first statement affected him. If she did, it would have never found its way to his ears. To join herself so intimately with him with a few simple words… It left him fighting to keep from pulling her into his arms. Instead he centered himself on the remainder of her words.
"Alexis, this is not the time to talk about the baby. Now, don't go getting angry before I get the chance to explain why I said that. Kevin hit me with something the other day that made me stop and think. He was trying to explain to me why this child means so much more to you than it does to me. I was ready to deck him for saying it. You know how much I've wanted a kid of my own. But what he said was, that in some way maybe the reason I wanted a child was so I could have a chance to prove I wasn't like Mike or Deke. And there is some truth in what he said. So before I can discuss our child, we need to settle what's between us first."
Looking down at her hands that still lay within his, Alexis suddenly felt confined. She couldn't explain it, but something deep inside kept pulling at her.
"Sonny, can we go outside? Just take a walk?"
"Sure, whatever you want."
"That's going to take some getting used to."
"What?"
"Whatever I want... Do you remember the last time you said that to me?"
Sonny helped her up and turned her toward the door. His mind was frantically searching his memories of their time together and then he remembered.
"Would you be surprised if I said yes even though I know it will cause hurt for both of us?"
As they walked companionably outside Alexis lifted her head slightly to see his face. With his response she knew they were sharing the same memory. It needed to be dealt with so she pressed on.
"Tell me."
"The day I went back to Carly. I told you I respected you and would do whatever you wanted."
The memory hurt. It always did when she thought of it.
"I couldn't let you stay any longer. I knew you were still tied to her."
"Even though I hurt you a lot that day, you still gave in to what you thought I wanted. You always did that. You gave all of yourself to me and I gave nothing back to you. Why did you put up with me so long?"
"Because I.... I had to. There is something in you that draws me… tugs at a part of me that I can't deny. I can't always explain what I feel... it's just there."
As they walked along Sonny reached for her hand and held it gently. He wanted to pull her close, but he wouldn't rush her. He would let her make the next move now.
"You and I… we had this remarkable friendship. But, now I realize that it was you who put the most into it. You fed it; cultivated it, as Johnny would say. I didn't put into it as much as you did and for that I apologize. I want to change that. I want to be the one who gives this time. But, I don't know how. I need you to teach me what it is that you need from me. You once tried to teach me how to wait... now I'm asking you to teach me how to love."
Fear suddenly mounted within her. Fear that she would be forced to relive the pain all over again should he decide he wanted someone else.
"Sonny, I don't know that I can. I mean... I don't ever want to feel that kind of hurt again."
"And neither do I. Watching you walk away from me the other day... watching you turn to Johnny when your memory came back... I know the hurt now. I don't ever want you to feel like that ever again."
"But, you know I will don't you?"
Sonny stopped walking and coaxed her to sit with him on a bench nearby.
"Why do you say that?"
Alexis sat still a moment then reached for his hand.
"You know what I still have to remember and you know that it will be painful for me."
Sonny bowed his head. He wanted to look into her eyes and tell her everything would be ok. But, he couldn't. He needed to be honest with her.
"Yes."
"Sonny, please answer me one question. I need to know."
"If I can, I will. But, I can't tell you what you don't know yet."
"Did I hurt you? Did I say or do something that hurt you? There is this image I see of me screaming at someone. I need to know if it was you."
If she was talking about the last time they were in each others presence then Sonny knew that Alexis was just around the corner from remembering her sister and he knew he couldn't handle it alone if she did remember. So he answered as vaguely as he could while still trying to alleviate her worry.
"Alexis... I can't honestly answer that without handing out more information than you are ready for right now. But, what I can tell you is that you have not done anything against me that was not warranted or deserved."
Alexis dropped her shoulders with a heavy sigh. His answer didn't satisfy her questions.
"I wish I could remember the rest. If I could just remember it, I could get back to my life. I feel like I'm trapped with nowhere I can go... like there's no way to escape. I know the memory is going to hurt, but what could be worse than being stuck here while life goes on without me."
Alexis looked at Sonny with pleading eyes.
"I need this to be over, Sonny. You want to know what I need from you... I need the truth. I need to know what it is that I can't remember."
Sonny felt his heart drop. The one thing that he knew would take her from him was the one thing she wanted from him. Could he do it? Could he give her what she wanted knowing it would cost him whatever love she may still feel for him? He knew what it would take to bring back all of her memory... Could he do it? Was he strong enough to let her go if that was what she chose?
"Alexis, I want to tell you again that I love you. Your face fills my dreams at night and I wake every morning hoping for a chance to see you. I would like to spend the rest of my life proving to you just how much I do love you. But, you have asked the one thing of me that I know will take you away from me. It was not you that hurt me. I caused everything that eventually put you here. It was my fault. I can't change what happened. If giving up my life would change everything, I would do it without hesitation. Before I can give you what you want, you must talk to both Johnny and Kevin. They know everything as well. What concerns me most is how you will react when you do have it all. If Kevin thinks it is too soon, then I have to listen to him."
"You would do this for me, knowing that it could cost us our friendship and whatever else we are to each other?"
"Yes. I know of no other way to prove that I know you are so much more to me than anyone else that I have ever been with. In asking you to tell me what you need from me, I never thought that you would ask for your memory. But, I can't go back on my word to you. It's the only way I know to show you that you can trust me now."
Alexis didn't know what to think. Yes, she loved him. But, he was now telling her that her love could be compromised with the return of her memory. What could have happened that would cause her to walk away from him again?
"Let's not discuss it further until I have a chance to talk to Kevin. Why don't we just continue our walk? Maybe the walk will help settle the confusion some."
Sonny stood and accepted the hand she offered him. His heart was heavy. Knowing this could be the last walk they shared together he let go of her hand and put his arm around her and pulled her close. He needed to feel her in his arms. He needed to tell her once more.
"Alexis, whatever happens, always remember that I will love you for the rest of my life."
