Chapter 66

As the image of her beloved and beautiful sister stayed before her, Alexis again opened her eyes and looked up toward the man who held her heart. Anticipation, eagerness and ecstatic happiness filled her face. 

"Sonny? Where is she? Sonny, where's my sister? Where's Kristina? Why hasn't she been here with me?"

 
She glanced at Johnny and not getting a response turned back to face Sonny. Alexis watched mesmerized as Sonny lifted his hands to his face and rubbed them against his temple a few times then looked back down at her. His absolute look of guilt stunned her.

"I'm... I'm sorry, Alexis... "

"Sorry?  Why?"

Looking back down into her lap, Alexis picked up the necklace once again and as the coolness of the stones seeped into her palms, seemingly innocent images and memories suddenly began to assault her. As image after image passed before her she became more and more terrified of what they were leading to.

As the last image finally faded, leaving a trail of horror in its wake she began a slow fall toward Johnny.

Sonny watched with panicked fear as Alexis fell toward Johnny. He jumped forward to help, but was immediately stopped by Kevin's raised hand. He watched helplessly as Johnny began to minister to Alexis' needs. Taking a step back, he waited to see how she would react to him if Johnny were able to keep her lucid. In all of his life he had never felt so helpless. He was consumed with guilt and remorse for a life that could cause such horror and pain for someone he loved so much. Moving back further in an attempt to make sure he didn't crowd her, he felt hot tears fall from his face. He started to turn toward the window to escape the devastation he saw before him, but stopped himself. He would not leave her to face it alone as he did the first time. This time he would be there for her... this time he would be the man she needed him to be.

The pain was unbearable. It ripped through her leaving nothing in its wake but more pain... more agony... more loss than could ever be imagined... and always the emptiness of being alone... again. As she felt herself fall memories sliced through her like knives and her heart cried out against them.

"No, Oh God please... no... don't let it be... not again... please don't let me have lost her again! Oh God please, not my little sister... not my Kristina... oh mama, nnnooooo... '

As she fell against Johnny she couldn't contain the wail of grief that left her body. Her beautiful sister, her friend, her champion… the one person in the whole world who would have stood with her against all the demons of hell... gone... a hopeful beautiful voice silenced unmercifully. She would never again be able to look into those eager and mischievous eyes and know that sometimes anything was possible. There would never be another who would meddle in her life so completely and so lovingly. As a heavy mist of darkness began to settle around her, Alexis felt the too familiar weight of loss settle across her shoulders.  It was the burden of dark emptiness that she was accustomed to, as she had felt it more than once in her life. 

Since the day she lost little Kristina in the stables, there had remained in the most remote recesses of her mind a small grain of hope that somehow the child survived and was still out there somewhere. Now, that hope was gone. She would never again be calmed by the dream that one day... some day... maybe Kristina would be found. Kristina had miraculously finally come and found her... and now she was gone. No hope left... no secret dreams of reunion... the dream was gone. Kristina was gone. All that was left was the pain... the agony of intense loss and grief... grief so deep and consuming that she would never be free of it.

Alexis was totally unaware of the three men in the room. Three men who prided themselves on being able to handle anything that came their way; who now felt totally defeated by their inability to do anything to ease her pain.

Johnny put his arms around her, but knew she didn't feel him. She was lost in her grief and totally unaware of her surroundings. He knew she was still with him by the sound of her uneven breaths against his chest. He barely heard her soul wrenching pleas that it not be true. When her body began to shake he cradled her gently and began to rock her, back and forth, whispering soothingly to her. Looking down at her hands that lay shaking in her lap, he noticed the harsh grip she held on the necklace. Fearing she would cut her tender skin on the clasp he reached down to try and pry the necklace from her hand but quickly let go as she sat straight up, bringing the necklace up to hold it fast against her heart and screamed.

"NO... GET OUT... NOW... ALL OF YOU... GET OUT... LEAVE... LEAVE ME ALONE... !"

The grief that settled around her suddenly gave way to rage. Red… hot… fiery rage; rage against anyone and everyone who had stood between her and her sister. Rage at the injustice of an innocent life lost... rage... that once again she failed to take care of those she loved.

Watching as she stood quickly, Johnny saw her lose her balance a bit from the effort it was taking to remain in control of her emotions.  He reached out and gently took hold of her arm to help her regain her equilibrium and quickly pulled back when she tore her arm from his grasp.  As she turned toward the bedroom door, every heart in the room stilled as a chilled voice dictated the desire of her soul... a voice of steely resolve battling unbearable pain...

"Get out… all of you. If you feel the need to do something, Johnny... then... get rid of them. But, be sure... you follow them out."

They stood speechless for a moment as the door closed behind her. The one thing Johnny didn't expected was for Alexis to turn away from him and now he didn't know what to do. His heart was in his stomach as he turned to find Joy who stood quietly beside him her arm around his waist.  Through the hazy of worry and concern he found himself wondering how he had missed her coming to him and more importantly how he could have missed her touch. "Joy?"

Joy pulled him closer.  She was concerned for Alexis, but what she was seeing in Johnny concerned her more.  He was scared.  Scared of what could happen if things went really bad for Alexis.  And he was afraid that he was failing her by not following her and making her talk to him.


"It's okay, Johnny.  There's nothing you can do right now.  She knows you're here and she knows she can trust you.  You need to calm down, sweetheart so that you can help her when the time comes."


Watching the scene play out, Kevin was instantly aware that Alexis was instinctively shutting down in order to protect herself in the only way she knew how. She was in the process of completely removing herself from the pain and loss... and he figured she was also blocking out her feelings toward Kristina in hopes of being able to handle the entire situation. She was locking out everything except the anger. Kevin knew that the only thing Alexis could handle at this point was her anger. It protected her... kept her sane. He knew that as long as she remained angry, her anger would prevent her from sliding into catatonia. What worried him was what would happen if he let her have her way and left her alone. He couldn't take the chance. Someone needed to be the bad guy in all of this and looking around the room he accepted that it would have to be him. Stepping closer to Johnny he laid his hand on the man's shoulder and glanced pointedly at Sonny.

"Do as she asks, Johnny. I'll take it from here. I would rather be the one to get her really riled by not obeying her wishes. I'll let you know when it's ok to come back. If you wouldn't mind though, I'd like you to keep an eye on Sonny. He doesn't look too good over there. Do what you can to get his head where it needs to be. Go on now. I'd rather you not be here for what I'm about to do."

Johnny sent Kevin a menacing glare at his last statement.

"Don't hurt her, Kevin. I'm warning you... "

Joy leaned closer and tightened her hold around him to draw his attention to her.

"Johnny, this is what he does. You are going to have to trust Dr. Collins this time. His main priority is keeping Alexis from going back into the mock safety of an unaware existence. He is also protecting you and Sonny from being the 'bad guy' because he knows that once the initial shock has worn off, Alexis will need you. So come on... we have another job to do right now. Kevin will take care of Alexis... you and I will take care of Sonny and Courtney. Come on sweetheart; let him do his job. We have to let him take over now."

Johnny allowed Joy to take his hand and lead him out the door. Just as they reached the door, Johnny took one last look back and felt panic fall on him. In his head he knew that Joy and Kevin were right, but his heart was in the other room with his best friend. Glancing once more at Kevin he did the best he could

"For now... but, not for long. I'm coming back just as soon as I get Sonny settled and don't try to tell me not to."