Chapter 78
"Johnny do you think she's okay in there? She's been in there a long time."
Sonny was getting worried. They had already finished dinner and were engaging in a few hands of poker.
"She's fine, Sonny. And I wouldn't advise going anywhere near that door unless you want Joy coming down on you."
"I just haven't heard any sounds at all coming from her room. Maybe we could just check on her. Make sure she's ok."
Both men looked up as Joy entered the living room. They left her to clean the kitchen while they sought another way to pass the time. It didn't have to be said that both men were anxious and worried about the woman who remained behind a closed door trying to 'settle the chaos' as Joy explained to them earlier.
Johnny took hold of Joy's hand as she sat down beside him. He could tell she was tired.
"Hey, why don't you go lay down for a while. Sonny and I'll keep watch."
Joy shook her head back and forth with determination.
"No, I told her I would take care of things on this side of the door and that means making sure neither one of you disturb her."
Sonny spoke up. He was worried and it showed in his voice.
"Joy, something may be wrong. We haven't heard anything... not a sound out of her. What if she... "
Joy looked at Sonny with compassion and spoke very gently.
"She's fine, Sonny. You need to trust her. Trust her to know that there are things she needs to deal with before she can talk to you. I know what she's doing in there and it's a good thing. So leave her in peace. Please. I'll give her another hour. If she's still incommunicado, I'll check on her. But, I need you to know that you are probably not going to be seeing Alexis tonight. She has been handed a lot to think about over the past several days. So please, just let her do what she needs to without interruption. She'll let us know when she's ready for us."
As Joy was trying to calm the boys down, Alexis was headed toward dealing with another difficult issue.
"One issue down... let's go for the next. It seems, according to Kevin and Joy, I have a problem taking on responsibilities that are not mine. No sense in trying to deny it... it's the truth. So Alexis, let's look at it a minute. Where does it come from? Why do you do it?"
Alexis sat there calmly and quietly studying until she finally nodded her head.
"There it is. It's the 'gatekeeper' in me. I just take it a step further than I'm supposed to. All I'm required to do is point out options, different paths to travel, why something is wrong or not, offer my help or not. If they get into trouble because they didn't listen... then the mistakes are theirs to correct. I can sympathize with them and then try to point out where they may have gone wrong, but it is not my responsibility to take on the consequences of their actions. You know Alexis; it's only common sense. No wonder you keep yourself so tied up all the time. Question is, do I have enough determination to stop a life long habit. Then again, doesn't it come down to whether I love them or not. Do I care enough to stand back and let them learn the lessons they need to learn without interfering? Example... can you come up with an example, Alexis."
Alexis stood up and started pacing back and forth the length of the room. After the fourth turn she stopped in the middle of the room and frowned. 'Right. Not one of my finer moments I must admit. Carly locks Skye in the boathouse, I end up lying because Sonny wants the whole thing to disappear. So once again Carly is off the hook for one of her hair-brained schemes, Sonny gets what he wants and I end up having to deal with the consequences of not only Carly's actions but my own as well. Did anyone care what I gave up in that situation? Right! You already know the answer to that, ALexis. So who learned the lesson in this little scenario. Let's not even consider the lesson Carly needed to learn. It's a moot point and not worth the time it would take in consideration. But, Sonny is another story because I do love him and he needs to know that people... that I get hurt when he disregards what's important to me just so he can get what he wants." Reaching down to pat her stomach, Alexis included little Kristina in her self-evaluation. "I guess its not that hard to understand is it, my little one. Everyone has the right to learn and grow without someone else interfering in the process. Do I love him enough to say no to him when necessary so he will have the chance to grow? When put like that, the answer seems pretty clear. He is able to grow and I learn that I don't have to give up who I am... I have the right to be who I am without compromising myself."
Alexis grinned widely and felt a flood of satisfaction flow through her. Hearing a soft knock on her door, Alexis knew who it probably was and allowed the intrusion.
"That you, Joy?"
Joy stepped into the room carrying a tray. As she entered she turned to close the door behind her to keep the boys out of eyesight.
"Yeah, it's me. I thought you might like a cup of tea."
Alexis hid the smile that threatened. She wasn't fooled for a minute.
"Whose idea was that? Sonny's?"
Joy laughed and nodded.
"Yeah, he's been pretty worried about you. The only way I could calm him down was to promise to check on you and bring you a cup of tea."
"Tell him I'm fine, Joy. And that's not the normal answer of 'fine' that I use when I want to be left alone. I'm really fine. Things are progressing quite well I think. The hardest thing to deal with is yet to come, but it's ok. I may take into consideration something Kevin said earlier and if I get into trouble... I'll call you. That ok with you?"
"What did he say?"
"Just that I have the right to ask for help if I need it."
"Smart guy. But, me? Why not Johnny? He's the one that's been by your side all along. Are you sure you wouldn't want Johnny?"
Taking the tray from Joy, Alexis set it down on the foot of the bed then turned back to Joy.
"I need to start putting some distance between Johnny and myself. Don't get me wrong, Joy. You know I love him as if he were my own brother. But, there comes a time when the patient has to start cutting some of the apron strings and stepping out on her own. Besides how are you and I ever going to build a friendship if I keep calling on your husband when I need a shoulder to cry on."
Joy grew still. There were no words that she could offer that would be able to express what she felt in that moment. Alexis was offering her the one thing that she desired her whole life. A friend, a real friend! Not like the silly schoolgirls she hung around in grade school whose only goal in life was to see just how shallow they could be. If she couldn't have a sister, the next best thing would be a friend. Joy smiled as she recalled a movie she saw once. It was one of those PBS specials titled 'Anne of Green Gables'. All the little girl wanted was to be loved and to have a special friend. A friend she referred to as a 'bosom buddy' or a 'kindred spirit'. Now Joy had everything she ever wanted. She held close to her heart the love of a very special man and now an opportunity to build a special friendship with this unique and wonderful woman was being laid at her feet. Reaching toward Alexis, she put her arms around her and choked out a small whisper.
"Thank you, Alexis. Thank you for helping to make my life all that I dreamed it would be someday. You call anytime; I'll be here."
Joy turned hurriedly to go so that her tears would not burden Alexis. She closed the bedroom door quietly behind her and turned to face the man of her dreams with eyes full of love and warmth and full of the knowledge that she was indeed blessed.
Smiling as the door closed behind Joy, Alexis returned to her chair and sat down. Joy was a special gift. One of the rare unexpected gifts that leave you wondering how you could have been so lucky. Thinking of Joy, another face appeared before her in her mind's eye; another gift that was given so many years ago. A gift she treated too casually. Leaving the legal pad and pen on the floor beside her, she prepared to deal with the burden that weighed heaviest on her.
"Kristina. Where do I start?"
Alexis felt the guilt begin to weigh her down again. She couldn't get past the guilt nor could she see past the agony of the loss. There were questions she needed to ask of herself. Answers she needed to find. But, she couldn't rise above the weight of her own emotions enough to focus on them. Lowering her head to drop against her chest she sighed heavily. Then she remembered. You have the right to ask for help. Standing abruptly, Alexis went to the door and opened it wide.
All three occupants stood immediately at the sight of Alexis standing in her doorway. Johnny stepped forward first.
"Alexis, you ok? You need something?"
Alexis' eyes were drawn to another pair of dark eyes; eyes that held her transfixed. His one word of greeting shook her to her core.
"Hey."
Without taking her eyes from Sonny, Alexis asked for Joy.
"Uhm... Joy, could you help me with something, please?"
Joy shot forward. Before she cleared the boys she caught hold of Sonny's arm and squeezed it.
Sonny took a step backward somehow knowing he still needed to keep his distance for a while longer. But, it wouldn't be much longer. Her eyes... eyes that softened the moment her gaze fell on him... her beautiful eyes once again gave her away.
Alexis stepped back into her room and as Joy followed her, she closed the door behind them. She walked to the foot of the bed and sat down heavily.
"Joy, what I feel for him scares the life out of me sometimes."
"Yeah, I know. It's that way when your heart is no longer your own. What did you need, Alexis? What can I help you with?"
Alexis reached up and took Joy's hand and pulled her down beside her.
"It's time for me to deal with Kristina and it seems that I'm going to need a little help to do that. When I think about her I get lost in the grief and guilt so much that I'm unable to think rationally. That's what I need you for. I need you to help me begin to dispute the irrational thoughts that are weighing me down so that I can get to the truth."
Joy knew exactly what Alexis was asking of her. Squeezing the hand that held hers tightly, she let go and sat back a little to get a bit more comfortable.
"Ok. When you think of Kristina, naturally the effects of her loss come first. What comes next?"
"The guilt."
"Right. So that's where we start; with the guilt. In order for you to feel guilt then you would first have to feel some kind of responsibility for her loss. What do you think you did to initiate her loss?"
"I didn't trust her. I lied to her. I wasn't... "
"Hang on a minute, Alexis; one thing at a time. You didn't trust her. Why?"
Alexis drew in a deep breath and held it. She was fighting a war. Her love for Kristina was so much more now and it warred with her need to look at her sister's faults. Alexis did not want to face anything that was negative where Kristina was concerned, but there was no choice. She needed to get to the truth... she had to get past the things that kept dragging her down. And the truth was, although Kristina meant the world to her, she still had faults. She didn't respect the privacy of her older sister. Alexis exhaled and quietly spoke the words that would begin the process of removing the guilt.
"Kristina acted without thinking, without considering what her actions may cost someone else, namely me. In the name of loving me, she was always trying to 'fix' my life. I couldn't trust her to leave well enough alone."
"So you feel guilt because you couldn't trust your one and only sister?"
Joy's heart broke at the agony she saw on Alexis' face, but she couldn't stop. Alexis was depending on her to help her get through this. Breathing deeply, Joy continued.
"And you're supposed to be able to trust your sister, right? So the question becomes for you, what's wrong with me that I can't trust my own sister or that I can't get her to realize that she's intruding on my life? What is the irrational thought, Alexis?"
Closing her eyes, Alexis began moving the jumbled thoughts out of the way so she could center on her lack of trust for Kristina. And as she did, she felt her anger rise. Opening her eyes she looked up at Joy.
"I couldn't trust her because she wouldn't listen to me. She thought she knew what was best for me... but she didn't. And she wouldn't listen. I tried so hard to get her to understand that I wasn't like her. I needed to be left alone so I could figure things out for myself. I wasn't as open as she was and she couldn't accept that it was by choice. She kept pushing and pushing and pushing. So not only am I left with her loss and the guilt of it, but I also have to live with being angry at her as well because she took off to try and fix something that was none of her business."
Joy spoke quietly, deliberately so Alexis would listen more closely.
"So would the guilt be born of your lack of trust in her or would it be born of the fact that you are angry with her and she is no longer here for you to tell her how angry you are with her?"
Alexis looked up with eyes filled with self-doubt, frustration and sadness.
"I can't be angry with her, Joy. She's gone. I'll never see her again."
"Does being angry with her lessen the love you feel for her?"
"No, it doesn't."
"You're angry at her actions, but you still love her. Sounds like a perfectly normal response to me. All you need to do here is let go of it. You have to forgive her for the liberties she took without your permission and then let go of the anger. Back to the original question; what did you do to initiate her loss?"
Alexis sat there for a moment thinking, then began to dictate her thoughts.
"I didn't tell her my secret, because I wanted it to remain a secret. That was my choice. I had a perfect right to that choice. Things escalated out of my control when someone else stepped in and decided to handle my life for me. Ned steps up and claims my child as his own without my initial consent to protect me from Sonny. Which devastated Kristina. She found out by accident and as usual decided she knew what was best for me and went to the warehouse to tell Sonny that I was carrying his child. No one trusted me enough to handle my own life. They took away my options by deciding for me how the situation should be handled. I didn't put Kristina in that warehouse. She put herself there because she felt she could run my life better than I could. I didn't give my rights away that time... they were taken from me."
By the time Alexis finished she was crying... for a sister who loved so completely and so blindly.
Joy let Alexis have her time to grieve again. This time it would be without the guilt that always accompanied her grief. Her attention was drawn again as Alexis' head came up swiftly.
"Chloe's death wasn't my fault. I didn't send her to Wyndemere! I didn't tell her to get involved with Stefan. She made her own choices. I loved her, but she followed her own course. That was her right just as it is mine."
Joy spoke quietly once more.
"Who else do you need to let go of, Alexis?"
Alexis closed her eyes as fresh tears ran down her face.
"My mother made her own choices as well.
