Chapter 84
"I blew it, didn't I?" His question was laced with the voice of regret.
"Only if you don't rectify the situation. It's never too late to try to make amends with those we have wronged, Sonny. Like with you where Courtney and Mike are concerned."
Sonny looked up in shock then shook his head sheepishly.
"Kevin has a big mouth."
"Excuse me. I would prefer having the chance to defend myself against false allegations, or is it accusations... counselor?"
Both Sonny and Alexis turned at the sound of Kevin's voice. They were so engrossed in their conversation they had not heard him join them. Sonny stood so that he didn't feel such a disadvantage by Kevin's height as he drew to a standstill beside him.
"It is a statement of fact. You do have a big mouth."
"True. True. I apologize for disturbing you, but something has come up that I need to attend to and I won't be around for the rest of the day, so..."
Kevin smiled at the two of them and turned his attention to Alexis. Raising his hand he handed her a manila folder.
"What's this?"
"Those are your preliminary discharge forms. Take them back to your room with you. I want you to look them over, read all of the fine print, answer the questionnaire and return it to me in the morning around 9:00 where you and I will sit down and discuss what has been for me your astounding and remarkable stay with us."
If it was possible to look both dumbfounded and skeptical at the same time, that was the expression Kevin witnessed on Alexis' face and he laughed delightedly.
"Don't you think it's time we started discussing your departure from this fortress of solitude?"
Stammering over her words, Alexis tried to answer.
"Uhmm... Yes.... Uhm... I mean, right... Are you sure? I mean... you wouldn't be trying to pull a fast one just to see how I'll react... would you?"
It was the most unbelievable thing. She should have been absolutely ecstatic at the prospect of leaving this 'prison', but she found that her most prominent feeling was fear. And she had no clue why. Looking past Kevin toward Sonny, she almost burst out laughing at the grin on his face. If her fear had not been so paramount, she would have. She refocused on Kevin when she heard him speak again.
"Alexis, when you come by in the morning we will discuss the fact that the most normal thing for you to feel right now is fear."
At that Alexis did indeed laugh outright. Leave it to Kevin to get right to the heart of a matter.
"Anything else, Mr. PsychoBabble?"
"Actually yes and it applies to both of you. Alexis, I don't want you to have any company tonight. I want your absolute attention paid to that folder in your hand. And before either one of you come at me with your displeasure at my request; I need you to remember that if I'm not satisfied with what I see and hear over the next 24 hours... well, your departure will only be delayed."
Sonny tensed. He didn't like what he was hearing.
"Kevin, you sound like you're threatening or maybe blackmailing Alexis. It sounds like she either performs the way you want her to or she gets punished. She's had enough of that from the rest of us. You might want to rethink what you just said."
"Well, Well. If I hadn't heard it with my own ears, I wouldn't have believed it. Good for you, Sonny. I didn't hear one ounce of 'Sonny love' in that statement. But, my statement remains the same as her physician. She and I have to be on the same page in order for us both to get what we need in order to complete her processing."
"Uh... excuse me. Gentlemen? Hey, over here. It is in fact me that you two are discussing. Would you mind not speaking as if I were absent? And it's fine, Kevin. We'll do this your way. And no arguments from you, Sonny."
Sonny backed down. As much as he wanted to spend the rest of the day with her, it was her decision to make. And the primary goal was to get Alexis back home where she belonged. At that moment he wanted her home more than anything else he ever wanted In his whole life outside of her loving him.
"Ok, Alexis. We do this your way. As much as I would like to stay with you, I think it would be better for me to go home this evening. I'm not sure I could restrain myself from staying away from your door."
The smile that appeared on Alexis' face took his breath away. There was so much in that one smile that separating and defining exactly what he saw was impossible. But what reached down and grabbed his heart the most was what he saw in her eyes. For the briefest of moments... quicker than a wink; the questions that he had grown accustomed to seeing disappeared just long enough for him to get a glimpse of what would have been if Alexis had never known any grief, loss or pain in her life. It was a sight that Sonny would cherish for the rest of his life. With every fiber in him he wanted to reach out to her in that moment and hold on to her. He wanted to promise her that nothing bad would ever happen to her again... that he would willingly give his last breath if it meant her life would become all that she ever wished it to be. But, with arms that ached with need he held them still, hanging loosely by his side. Time... they needed time. And he had one final question for Alexis. It was a question that never would have occurred to him at any time during his life... a question that should have been asked... and asked often. Today he would ask her... and he would ask her again tomorrow... and the next day... and every day after that God willing. He waited patiently for Kevin to complete his instructions to Alexis and then take his leave. As soon as Kevin turned his back on them and walked away, Sonny took Alexis' hand in his own and pulled her back to the bench and sat down with her. He closed his eyes briefly and called to the forefront of his mind his favorite image of her and let himself be calmed.
Alexis watched fascinated as she witnessed Sonny close his eyes and the tiniest of smiles grace his face. Whatever he was doing within the walls of his mind washed away every line, every hint of worry... anger... fear; whatever he saw left her wanting to reach out and touch a face void of life's cruelty. In his face she saw the perfection of absolute peace and couldn't resist the urge to touch him. Taking her hand from his she reached up and with an almost imperceptible touch caressed his cheek. When he opened his eyes to her touch, she gasped. Eyes that were normally dark and foreboding... chilled and suspicious looked at her with such love... such adoration that her breath caught. Closing her eyes she rested in the moment. As she sat there simply enjoying the fact that she was alive and with Sonny a strange feeling came over her. Opening her eyes she lifted them upward trying to figure out what she was feeling. Just as her sight reached the expanse of the heavens she caught sight of an eagle in flight above them. And in her heart Alexis took flight and rode on the wings of a bird for the first time in her life. Her heart soared up into the clouds and opened its doors where all of the hurt and pain she suffered over the last few years fell away from her and at last she recognized what she was feeling. For the first time in her life, Alexis felt truly free. And it was Sonny who made it happen.
He couldn't get enough of simply watching her. As she witnessed his transformation... he was now witnessing hers and still... his arms ached. Her face as it looked toward heaven took on a brilliance he never thought possible in this woman of such depth and intrigue. In that moment as if time perfected and orchestrated the movement, two that forever were destined to be one reached for each other. Arms that ached... arms that had felt barren since that one night so long ago it seemed... were now completely filled and in perfect unison... they exhaled.
And still there remained one question for this, their first day.
Sonny pulled away first and gazed intently at Alexis.
"I need to ask you a question. A question that no matter where we are or whatever happens between us... I will begin every day for the rest of my life with this one question. Alexis, what do you need from me today?"
Tears of joy fell from her face. Tears that helped release the feeling of being so full one could imagine themselves bursting open with the intensity of it. And Alexis opened her heart even more to accept that which only Sonny could give her.
"I just need you to love me... Love me enough to let me be a part of your life. Love me enough to let me be myself… enough so that whenever I look up and see an eagle flying above... or a squirrel jumping tree limbs I no longer have to wish I knew what it felt like because your love made it a reality for me. Just love me the way you do right now, Sonny."
"That's the one thing I can't give you, Alexis. Loving you the way I do right now is not enough. I want more. I want to love you more every day we are together. I won't be satisfied until that is a truth that I can some day share with you after having spent the rest of my life with you. I want you to always feel as free as you look right now. How do I help make that a reality for you?"
Alexis would always remember this day. The day Sonny willingly and wholly laid down his life for someone else. And he laid it down for her. Sonny was giving himself to her in every way he knew how... dedicating himself to her for the rest of his life. And her heart overflowed.
"Sonny, you have to stop. I don't know if I can take much more of this. It feels like I'm going to come apart at the seams. I've never in my life known a feeling like this before. I never thought it was possible for someone to reach so far into my heart and find a place I never knew existed. I don't know what our future holds; what I do know is that I want it to be with you. I'm not looking for a commitment... I don't know that I'm ready for one myself. What I do know is that I want you in my life. You and I are going to have days when all we do is fight... we are both too stubborn and headstrong not to. But, I love you and even as I say that to you I know that those words mean so much more to me now than they ever have before. I know more about myself now and it's giving me the freedom to be able to be more open with you and more importantly with myself. I am more because I know more and I don't want to stop learning. I still have questions about myself... but I'm satisfied that the answers will come when the time is right. I think you probably still have a lot of questions yourself."
"Yeah, I think I'm going to talk to Kevin about setting up a few appointments for after we leave here. There are a few things that still need to be resolved and even though I know I will be better because of it... I think that right now it's more important to me that you don't have to worry about how I'm going to react about things that come up."
"You sure do seem to be getting into this therapy thing. What's gotten into you?"
"You did. And for the first time since my mother died, I can remember who she was before everything fell apart. I can see her as my mother and not as the woman who was beaten to death. I can sit and talk to Mike now. Sure it's tense, but it'll get better. You're right about me getting caught up in feelings. In fact you were right about a lot of things. I just couldn't see it because it was too close. I guess I needed somebody who wasn't so close to help me get past the garbage and get to the real stuff. Before you and I split, it was you that kept me questioning myself. But even then, I didn't pay a whole lot of attention. I don't know, Kevin has this way of getting to you."
"Don't I know it? The man is absolutely a pain in the... well you get my drift. However, I do agree with you; he does have his methods. I can't see myself coming back here, but I'm glad you feel comfortable enough with him to do so."
"Well, you do what you think is best and I'll stand with you on whatever you decide. But, right now I have some shopping to do. I'm going to cook dinner tonight for everyone before I leave which means I need to make a trip to the store. And if I might make a suggestion to you... I figure you probably didn't sleep too well last night so why don't you take a nap this afternoon. If you are indeed about to be sprung from place it might not be such a bad idea to rest as much as possible while you're still here. How was that? Not too pushy or bossy was it?"
Alexis laughed at the look of sincerity on his face. She loved him for trying to change the way he handled her, but she didn't want him to change so much that she didn't recognize him.
"Sonny, relax. I don't want you to constantly be questioning everything you say or do around me. I love you. I've loved you for a long time. We'll work everything out and settle into a nice routine. What I don't want is to have to wonder every minute of the day if what you say or do is what you really want or what you think I want. Let's both relax and let everything happen naturally, ok?"
"Ok. But, I still think you should take a nap this afternoon."
Alexis laughed again and caught his face between her hands and kissed him quickly before letting go... embarrassed by her sudden boldness.
"And this time I happen to agree with you. I didn't get a lot of sleep last night and I am tired. So, while you're doing your shopping thing I think I will take a nap. I wonder when Johnny and Joy will be back. Do you know where they went? They didn't say what they were going to do today."
"Alexis."
"I hope they're having a good time. They do deserve it you know. I'll just bet they are going to be so relieved to find out they are almost free of me and being tied down to this place. I know Johnny will probably be glad to get back to some semblance of a normal life... "
"A...Alexis, hey. Alexis, breathe."
"What?"
"Oh nothing. You just took off on another one of those nervous tangents again. I thought maybe it would be a good idea for you to take a breath before you passed out on me. One of these days I hope you will be able to feel comfortable enough with me that you won't think twice about kissing me. And yes... "
Alexis blushed profusely and ducked her head then realizing he hadn't finished his last statement looked back up.
"Yes, what?"
Sonny grinned widely at the absolutely adorable look on her face. The last vestiges of embarrassment had not yet receded before her curiosity took over. She had such a beautifully expressive face. He could spend hours watching her and still not catch all of her many varied expressions. She was a wonder to him; a woman of substance and depth that one could spend a lifetime with and still be caught by surprise.
"Sonny?"
Alexis frowned as he appeared not to have heard her.
"Sonny. What's wrong?"
Hearing her call brought Sonny out of his daze.
"Nothing. I was just daydreaming about you."
"Sonny, that doesn't make sense. I'm sitting right here beside you."
"Yes, you are. And that's where I want you when I'm a hundred years old. Sitting right beside me close enough that my poor eyesight will still be able to see your beautiful face... close enough that I can reach out and touch you with arthritic hands that for a lifetime had nothing better to do than reach for you. I want you close enough that I don't have to call for you, that I won't have to look up to know you're right beside me... I'll know because during our time together it became the most natural thing in the world for us to be inseparable. I want my daughter to know how much I love her mother. And I want her to know that my life began with her mother. I want her to know a peace and security that her mother and father never had. I want you and I to know that same peace and security. I want us to be able to look into the eyes of our daughter and know we did the best that we could for her. Alexis, I want you for the rest of my life and I want you to know that from this moment on you will be my first and highest priority."
Alexis couldn't wipe the tears away fast enough. She reached for him and pulled him into her arms and simply held on. For a man who professed to be inept with sharing his innermost feelings, he gave her all that she ever wanted in the space of a few moments. There was not one single doubt remaining of Sonny's love for her. At the age of 35, Alexis was finally loved as she always dreamed of being loved. Pulling away from him she attempted to return his declaration of love.
"Sonny, I... "
And he stopped her. He gently placed his fingertips against her lips.
"No. I don't want you to say anything. I know how much you love me. I know that you will give everything you've got to this relationship. I know that you will spend your days trying to fulfill every need you think I have. And right now, that is enough for me. What I want from you right now in this moment is to just accept my words and know they come from a heart that's coming alive again. That's all I want right now. Can you give me that? Can you let me be the one to give this time without feeling the need to give back?"
"Only if you'll let me have a chance at a later date to respond."
"I can do that."
Alexis leaned toward Sonny again and lay her head on his shoulder and closed her eyes. She felt his arms embrace her and it felt natural; as if there were no where else she belonged. She was home. Sitting in the middle of an institution for the mentally disabled, far away from the city... Alexis felt at home... in Sonny's arms. And she sighed contentedly.
"In the city."
Alexis looked up to see what Sonny was talking about.
"What?"
"That's where Johnny and Joy are."
"You spoke to them?"
"Yep. This morning. As a wedding gift, since they are not ready to buy a home, I paid the first year of rent for them. They'll be living in your apartment building."
Alexis sat up straight with a huge grin on her face.
"Are you serious?"
"Yep. They've been doing some moving today and should be back sometime around 5 or 6 tonight. So, I think we should get you inside for your nap so I can go round up what I will need for dinner. That ok with you?"
"Sounds wonderful."
