The Proud Green Bet

Author's Note:  I hope you enjoy this little porn-comedy fic I whipped up.  I love Tsunade; I can both identify with her and be attracted to her… an odd mix.  Gai's just cool, in an odd funny way.  The eyebrows, the hair, the clothes… heh.  Anyway I hope you find it funny and erotic and entertaining.  It would be better—I was going to show it to a friend who's very smart and critical for a beta before posting it; that would've been ideal—however, I let the lemon get away from me!  I am just frustrated with the lack of good sexy Tsunade fanfic and fanart.  (She's very cool, and is there partly to add sex appeal to the series, guys!  Get out the keyboards and art supplies and let's make some pr0n!)  Anyway, the damn lemon (chapter 5) swelled to 5 1/3 pages of unabashed smut, and now I'm afraid to show it to anyone I know.  They'll think I'm a sick sex-starved pervert.  I'm not, I have a girlfriend of several years.  Anyway… you people out there: read and review and don't be afraid to pour on the criticism!

Thank you, and enjoy.

"Absolutely not!  I can't believe you would think that!"  Sarutobi Asuma was shocked and indignant, as well as more than a little drunk.

            Kakashi was undeterred.  "I've known him for a long time.  He just seems that way to me.  I mean, look at the gestures, the language, the clothes… and how close he is to that one student of his."

            He slammed his fist on the bar.  "Close to his student?!  That should be a good thing, damn it!  Are you going to accuse him of being a pedophile too?  I know you're such a veteran you're afraid to care about anyone anymore in case they get killed, but some people—"

             Kurenai, flushed and slurring her words, cut him off.  "Asuma, Gai is totally gay.  You've got to be blind not to see it!  He wears a skin tight green jumpsuit.  He looks like he has a whole breakfast in his crotch—sausage and eggs with a few hash browns scattered around on top.  He hugs, and cries, and when I asked him out he got nervous and said no."

            "So he doesn't want to date you, and he's a little weird!  Doesn't mean he doesn't want to date any woman."

            Kakashi looked weary of the argument.  "Sigh… Asuma, you're trying very hard not to see this.  Does it scare you or something?"

            "What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

            "What the hell is what supposed to mean?"

            The jounins looked up as Tsunade sat down next to Kakashi and ordered a drink.  "Barkeep, a Sake Bunshin, please.  Make it a triple."  In a puff of smoke, the bartender produced a threesome of identical shots.  Tsunade turned to Asuma again.  "What's what supposed to mean?"

            "Hokage-sama… uh… nothing. We were just discussing another jounin."

            Kurenai brashly spelled it out.  "Asuma doesn't believe that Gai is gay."

            "Gai, gay?  Of course not!  He's just… Gai."

            "You too, Godaime-sama?"  Kakashi asked tiredly.  "I've known him for years.  He has a sort of strange obsession with me, you know.  I am sure he is gay."

            "Not a chance!  I can spot a gay male.  Listen to your elders."

            "Ha!  See?  The Hokage agrees with me!" said Asuma.

            "Respectfully, Asuma, the last Hokage agreed with us and so do most of the students.  You guys lose."

            "Lose?  Bah!  There's no way you can be sure he isn't straight.  For one thing—" Tsunade swallowed her last sake bunshin—"what men has he been with, hmm?"

            No one could answer.

            "Ha!  You see?  Barkeep, another drink, please.  Something dry, and that won't put me to sleep.  Hmm… make it a Desert Coffee.  And more ice this time!  Damnit!  I wanna Rocks."

            As the night wore on, the four argued endlessly over whether Gai was gay, bi, or just strange.  They were all getting quite sloshed, even Kakashi, who had learned to sip liquids through small holes in his mask.  As the debate grew louder, he began to realize that something needed to be done.

            "Oe… listen, you guys, and Tsunade-sama.  This isn't the first time this argument's been had.  It's a long-running thing.  We've been arguing over it for years and it's time something was done.  We've got to settle this once and for all or we're going to end up getting in a chakra-powered bar fight over it."

            Tsunade raised an eyebrow.  "Hmm.  What'd you have in mind?  Barkeep, a ninja slash.  With lemon!"

            "We'll test him."

            "Ha!  Test him, eh?  And if he… 'passes?'  Then you'll be eating your words, Cockatoo."

            Kurenai cautioned her.  "Godaime-sama, don't be overconfident.  I know this man.  I've sort of 'tested' him before and he passed with flying rainbow colors."

            "Hn.  Why don't you put your money where your mouth is, Yuuhi Kurenai and Hatake Kakashi?"

            Kakashi raised his eyebrow.  "How much did you have in mind?"

            And thus, it began.