Chapter 5: Discussion
July 19, 2003 (Back to the morning after.)
His mind raced, trying to find some reason for being in bed with Dawn, especially without pants. His mind wasn't coming up with any explanation that was good.
*What have I done?*
"I'm not going to hurt you, Dawn."
"I know you would never hurt me Xander. But you might want to kill me when you find out what I've done."
"What you've done! What did you do?"
"I did this. I planned this and then I arranged everything so that you would stop thinking about committing suicide."
"Suicide?" Xander's mind flashed, *What the...?* But his brain immediately shut down as his eye shifted lower. Dawn had raised her hand to touch his face as she spoke and he was now staring at her bare breasts.
Xander slammed his eye shut. It was becoming very clear what the "this" Dawn had arranged was. Thoughts tumbled through his head. *Buffy's going to kill me. Suicide! Where did she get that idea? What do I do now?* All this, while his mind told his body to ignore the tug it had felt while looking at Dawn's body.
Xander rolled away from Dawn. It wasn't until Dawn gasped and tugged at the blankets that he realized he was taking the covers with him. He relinquished them but that left him standing next to the bed without a stitch. He reached down and plucked the bedspread up leaving the sheet and blanket over Dawn. Dawn averted her eyes, a blush rising in her cheeks. *Good! It was good to know that being in a room with a naked man made her uncomfortable.*
"Dawn, I think we should shower and get dressed. We need to talk, but I think talking with our clothes on would be a much better idea."
"Okay," Dawn agreed, as she stood, careful to keep the blanket around her. Xander noticed her slight grimace as she stood.
"Dawn, use the shower in here. Get the water good and hot, and use the shower massage. It should help with the soreness. I'll go get you some clothes."
Dawn nodded, blushing again as she shuffled into the bathroom.
Xander ran both hands over his face and then looked down as the spread fell.
"I'm a dead man!"
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Xander turned away from the coffeepot at the sound of Dawn's entrance. She looked better. Well, maybe not. But she was definitely looking more clothed. Xander picked up the two coffee cups and carried them to the table, setting one on each side. He glanced at Dawn, still standing in the doorway, before turning back to the refrigerator to grab the chocolate syrup. He set it down next to the cup opposite him and then turned his gaze back to Dawn. She avoided his eye, but began moving toward the table. Both reached for their chairs, pulled them out and sat down simultaneously.
"I don't even know where to start."
Dawn raised her eyes as he spoke but dropped them again.
"Dawn, please look at me."
Dawn raised her eyes back to his face.
"We have to talk about this. We need to be totally honest with each other, no more secrets, and no hiding feelings. There has obviously been stuff going on that you didn't think you could talk to me about and we need to get it all out in the open. Ok?"
"Ok," mumbled Dawn.
Xander took a deep breath as he ran his hands down his face, but as always, careful to leave the eye patch in place. *I really don't want to know.* He finally plowed forward.
"Did we have sex last night?" *Please say no...please say no.*
"Yes."
*Damn.*
"Twice."
"TWICE? Xander exclaimed. He shook his head and then continued, "Did I hurt you and I mean, in any way?"
Dawn averted her eyes. Her gaze finally settled on the coffee cup in front of her. She picked up the chocolate syrup and started to drizzle it into the coffee before replying.
"I'm fine Xander. Not all fun & games at first, but I didn't really think about it for very long, at least until this morning. I was kind of reminded when I got up."
"Which brings us to another question? Did we use protection both times?"
"No."
"Did we use protection either time?"
"No."
"What was I thinking?"
Dawn finally stopped with the chocolate syrup before looking at Xander.
"You weren't, which was kinda the point."
"Care to share?"
"Well, I knew that if you knew what was going on you would never have sex with me."
"You got that right! Has it occurred to you that it's illegal for us to have sex?"
"Hey!" Dawn protested as she thumped the syrup bottle back on the table. "Research girl here. Sixteen is the age of consent for sex. I looked it up. I'm seventeen so it's not a problem."
"Sixteen is the age of consent between minors, Dawn. I'm not a minor. If your father or Buffy chose to, they could file statutory rape charges. Since I'm responsible-adult-guy, it's even possible that the police or school officials could file the charges if they found out."
"But I wanted this. I planned it. How could they do that and anyway how would they find out?"
"Dawn, if you're pregnant, they are going to find out eventually, unless you decide not to go through with it."
"Why would I not go through with it since that was the point. Well, one of them."
"Whoa! Wait a minute! You mean you wanted to get pregnant? Why would you want to get pregnant?"
"So you wouldn't commit suicide."
"Suicide? That's the second time you've mentioned that. Whatever gave you that idea?"
"You did. You know two weeks ago when I came home from Amber's early?"
"Yeah, I remember."
"They brought me home Friday night. And I saw you. You were drinking and you pointed a crossbow at your chest and I can't lose you too, Xander. I just can't!" Dawn's voice rose with each word until she was practically yelling by the time she finished. Tears tumbled down her cheeks.
It was more than Xander could stand. He was up and around the table almost before she finished. He pulled her into his arms to comfort her, snatching up a tissue to dry her tears. He had planned to have this discussion with the safety of the table between them, but he didn't think that would be possible. There was definitely more going on here than he knew about.
Xander led Dawn toward the living room, grabbing the box of tissues on the way. He sat her down on the sofa and sat next to her, pulling her head to his shoulder and murmuring comforting sounds until her tears subsided. When she was somewhat calm, he spoke.
"Dawn, I am not going to kill myself. I haven't even been thinking about it. And you're not going to lose me. Why would you think that?"
Dawn raised tear-drenched eyes to look at him. "I've lost everyone else."
Xander cupped his hand along her cheek, his thumb brushing aside yet another tear as it trailed down her face.
She was right. He had always been around. Buffy had died, come back, and was now in Ohio. Willow had spent months in England after her brush with the dark side and was now there again. Dawn's mother, Tara and then Anya had permanently died. Spike had spent months away from Sunnydale on his soul quest, and now he was gone again. Giles' presence had been pretty much hit and miss, the last couple of years anyway, and her dad was mostly MIA since the divorce. Xander was the only one who had never left her.
"Dawn, no one can make definite promises and no one knows how long they are going to live. But I do promise this, as long as I am alive, I will come running anytime you need me, no matter how far. Okay?"
"Okay."
"Now, lets get back to the whole you being pregnant equals me not committing suicide equation. How exactly did you come up with that idea?"
"I read it in one of mom's books. This man's wife died and he was all sad. He was sitting in his office drinking and holding a gun and his secretary saw him. She waited until he was really drunk and then she...you know. She knew he was a responsible guy most of the time. So she told him the next morning that they had slept together, it was possible she was pregnant and he would just have to hang around long enough to find out. So he stopped thinking about killing himself."
"That actually explains several of the conversations we've had recently, but, Dawn, why something so drastic? Why didn't you just talk to me about what you thought was going on?"
"I figured you would just deny it and then be really careful to hide anything else from me. You were already encouraging me to spend almost every weekend with my friends. I thought that was why you wanted me out of the house, to hide what you were doing."
"Not hiding. There was no hiding, okay? When Buffy first left, I was worried, afraid I wouldn't be able to protect you from all the things that go bump in the night."
"Is that why you practiced with weapons every night the first couple of weeks?"
"You saw that?"
"Yeah."
"Well, I wanted to be prepared. But after the second Tuesday night without any major malfunction, I decided that Buffy must be putting off slayer pheromones or something that attracts demons and vampires, or they all migrated to Ohio to be near the hellmouth, because things are just fine without her, fighting wise. We haven't been attacked by anything other worldly since she left. It's been totally un-weird, which is actually kinda weird. You were making new friends, doing well in school. I just wanted you to have a normal life for a little while, go out with friends, shop at the mall, and flirt with guys. All that, without some hell god or apocalypse hanging over your head. That's why I wanted you to be with your friends instead of hanging out with an old guy like me."
"You make it sound like you're ready for a cane. You're only 22, Xander, five years older than me."
"But I'm the same age as Buffy, the person who has been acting as your parent for the last two and a half years."
"But you're not Buffy," Dawn said quietly. "Since she became the slayer..."
"We've all changed a lot over the last seven years."
"Yes, we all have, and that includes me. I may be seventeen, but I've had to deal with a lot more than any average teenager. I think I am mature enough to make some decisions on my own, and I don't appreciate being treated like a child."
"Dawn, the fact that you made this particular choice shows a definite lack in the maturity department."
As Dawn folded her arms and got her stubborn look on her face, Xander sighed. "You know, it would be easier to treat you like an adult if you acted like one." At Dawn's glare, he decided it was a good time to switch topics, sort of. "Dawn, exactly what are you planning to do if you are pregnant? Do you plan to go through with it? What about adoption or abortion?"
"Is that what you want me to do?"
"It's not a matter of what I want, it's about what's best for you. Dawn..."
Dawn interrupted him, her voice rising again, "It's best for me if you don't die." She modulated her voice before continuing, "Xander, there may not be anything to worry about anyway. While it's not the worst time of the month for me to get pregnant, it's not the best either. Since you insist that you're not suicidal, why don't we just wait and see if there is anything to discuss."
Xander hesitated then nodded. "Okay. We'll talk about this again if and when there is something to talk about."
"Good! I'm glad that's over." Dawn's relieved smile lit up her face.
"Hang on. What about the other stuff we need to discuss?"
"What stuff?"
"How you managed to pull this off? What happens with us now? What do we tell Buffy?"
"Buffy!? Why do we have to tell Buffy anything?"
"Dawn, I had sex with my best friend's baby sister. I think she's going to want an explanation."
"We can't tell her. She'll kill me."
"Yeah, right after she kills me."
"Why would she be mad at you? I did this, not you."
Xander shook his head. "Dawn, you don't honestly think that people are going to believe I had nothing to do with this. Most people think that a guy alone for over a month with a beautiful girl will try to seduce her."
Dawn just looked at Xander. *He does think I'm beautiful. Not the point, Dawn. Pull yourself together.* She waited only a beat more before speaking again, "But once I tell them what I did..."
"What exactly did you do?"
"The enchiladas I left for you."
"Yeah."
"I opened up some cold capsules and mixed them into the enchiladas. Well, not mine. I knew once you got to the sports bar and started on the beers..."
"That I would be putty."
"Pretty much."
Xander stood up and began pacing in front of the couch. "Dawn, do you have any idea how dangerous that was? You could have killed me or if I had gotten into a car...I don't even want to think about what could have happened, the number of people who could have been...What were you thinking?"
"I was thinking about you living, not dying. Do you think I would leave that to chance? I'm not some stupid kid working on a whim, Xander. I made my plan to rescue you and I researched everything very carefully. I made calculations based on the active ingredients in the medicine and your body weight." At Xander's glare, Dawn quickly went on. "I checked research on the effects of mixing drugs and alcohol. I even figured how much time it would take you to finish two beers. I can't think of anything I left to chance. I even made a check list."
"Okay, I give on the safety issue. But there is still the trust issues and the way over-stepping of personal boundaries."
"Trust issues? You don't trust me anymore?"
"Dawn, you betrayed a trust. What about the next time?"
"The next time?"
"The next time you want to do something you know I won't agree to. Will you fall back on this?"
"Xander!" Dawn's voice was colored with hurt.
"I'm just saying, Dawn. You have to consider more than the facts and figures and calculations to a plan. You have to think about how people will think and feel. And not just what they will think of you but of others as well. Which brings us back to people thinking I seduced you."
"But once I tell people what I did, they'll know you didn't have anything to do with it."
"No, no, no, no. You can't ever tell anyone what you did."
"But why? If I just tell them..."
"No. You might—" *What can I tell her, besides the truth?* "People might think that you are being allowed access to drugs and alcohol or that we're not supervising you properly. Buffy and I could get in big trouble."
"Oh, I never thought of that," said Dawn.
*Whew! Close one. Since she doesn't realize what she's done, I'd rather she never found out.*
"Dawn, why don't we just set this aside for the day. Keep ourselves occupied. Go out and do something, but nothing too strenuous. We can finish up our discussion tomorrow. How's that sound?"
"Okay, I guess." Dawn spoke hesitantly. It almost sounded like Xander was trying to change the subject, not that she didn't want to change the subject. It was just strange after the 'We've got to talk about this' stance, that he would change his mind so suddenly. But who cares? *I'm willing to play along.*
"Just let me grab my purse."
Xander was relieved that Dawn decided to go along with his plan. He thought they both needed to step back from this situation and clear their minds before moving forward. Surely a day on the town would help things along. Surely.
July 19, 2003 (Back to the morning after.)
His mind raced, trying to find some reason for being in bed with Dawn, especially without pants. His mind wasn't coming up with any explanation that was good.
*What have I done?*
"I'm not going to hurt you, Dawn."
"I know you would never hurt me Xander. But you might want to kill me when you find out what I've done."
"What you've done! What did you do?"
"I did this. I planned this and then I arranged everything so that you would stop thinking about committing suicide."
"Suicide?" Xander's mind flashed, *What the...?* But his brain immediately shut down as his eye shifted lower. Dawn had raised her hand to touch his face as she spoke and he was now staring at her bare breasts.
Xander slammed his eye shut. It was becoming very clear what the "this" Dawn had arranged was. Thoughts tumbled through his head. *Buffy's going to kill me. Suicide! Where did she get that idea? What do I do now?* All this, while his mind told his body to ignore the tug it had felt while looking at Dawn's body.
Xander rolled away from Dawn. It wasn't until Dawn gasped and tugged at the blankets that he realized he was taking the covers with him. He relinquished them but that left him standing next to the bed without a stitch. He reached down and plucked the bedspread up leaving the sheet and blanket over Dawn. Dawn averted her eyes, a blush rising in her cheeks. *Good! It was good to know that being in a room with a naked man made her uncomfortable.*
"Dawn, I think we should shower and get dressed. We need to talk, but I think talking with our clothes on would be a much better idea."
"Okay," Dawn agreed, as she stood, careful to keep the blanket around her. Xander noticed her slight grimace as she stood.
"Dawn, use the shower in here. Get the water good and hot, and use the shower massage. It should help with the soreness. I'll go get you some clothes."
Dawn nodded, blushing again as she shuffled into the bathroom.
Xander ran both hands over his face and then looked down as the spread fell.
"I'm a dead man!"
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Xander turned away from the coffeepot at the sound of Dawn's entrance. She looked better. Well, maybe not. But she was definitely looking more clothed. Xander picked up the two coffee cups and carried them to the table, setting one on each side. He glanced at Dawn, still standing in the doorway, before turning back to the refrigerator to grab the chocolate syrup. He set it down next to the cup opposite him and then turned his gaze back to Dawn. She avoided his eye, but began moving toward the table. Both reached for their chairs, pulled them out and sat down simultaneously.
"I don't even know where to start."
Dawn raised her eyes as he spoke but dropped them again.
"Dawn, please look at me."
Dawn raised her eyes back to his face.
"We have to talk about this. We need to be totally honest with each other, no more secrets, and no hiding feelings. There has obviously been stuff going on that you didn't think you could talk to me about and we need to get it all out in the open. Ok?"
"Ok," mumbled Dawn.
Xander took a deep breath as he ran his hands down his face, but as always, careful to leave the eye patch in place. *I really don't want to know.* He finally plowed forward.
"Did we have sex last night?" *Please say no...please say no.*
"Yes."
*Damn.*
"Twice."
"TWICE? Xander exclaimed. He shook his head and then continued, "Did I hurt you and I mean, in any way?"
Dawn averted her eyes. Her gaze finally settled on the coffee cup in front of her. She picked up the chocolate syrup and started to drizzle it into the coffee before replying.
"I'm fine Xander. Not all fun & games at first, but I didn't really think about it for very long, at least until this morning. I was kind of reminded when I got up."
"Which brings us to another question? Did we use protection both times?"
"No."
"Did we use protection either time?"
"No."
"What was I thinking?"
Dawn finally stopped with the chocolate syrup before looking at Xander.
"You weren't, which was kinda the point."
"Care to share?"
"Well, I knew that if you knew what was going on you would never have sex with me."
"You got that right! Has it occurred to you that it's illegal for us to have sex?"
"Hey!" Dawn protested as she thumped the syrup bottle back on the table. "Research girl here. Sixteen is the age of consent for sex. I looked it up. I'm seventeen so it's not a problem."
"Sixteen is the age of consent between minors, Dawn. I'm not a minor. If your father or Buffy chose to, they could file statutory rape charges. Since I'm responsible-adult-guy, it's even possible that the police or school officials could file the charges if they found out."
"But I wanted this. I planned it. How could they do that and anyway how would they find out?"
"Dawn, if you're pregnant, they are going to find out eventually, unless you decide not to go through with it."
"Why would I not go through with it since that was the point. Well, one of them."
"Whoa! Wait a minute! You mean you wanted to get pregnant? Why would you want to get pregnant?"
"So you wouldn't commit suicide."
"Suicide? That's the second time you've mentioned that. Whatever gave you that idea?"
"You did. You know two weeks ago when I came home from Amber's early?"
"Yeah, I remember."
"They brought me home Friday night. And I saw you. You were drinking and you pointed a crossbow at your chest and I can't lose you too, Xander. I just can't!" Dawn's voice rose with each word until she was practically yelling by the time she finished. Tears tumbled down her cheeks.
It was more than Xander could stand. He was up and around the table almost before she finished. He pulled her into his arms to comfort her, snatching up a tissue to dry her tears. He had planned to have this discussion with the safety of the table between them, but he didn't think that would be possible. There was definitely more going on here than he knew about.
Xander led Dawn toward the living room, grabbing the box of tissues on the way. He sat her down on the sofa and sat next to her, pulling her head to his shoulder and murmuring comforting sounds until her tears subsided. When she was somewhat calm, he spoke.
"Dawn, I am not going to kill myself. I haven't even been thinking about it. And you're not going to lose me. Why would you think that?"
Dawn raised tear-drenched eyes to look at him. "I've lost everyone else."
Xander cupped his hand along her cheek, his thumb brushing aside yet another tear as it trailed down her face.
She was right. He had always been around. Buffy had died, come back, and was now in Ohio. Willow had spent months in England after her brush with the dark side and was now there again. Dawn's mother, Tara and then Anya had permanently died. Spike had spent months away from Sunnydale on his soul quest, and now he was gone again. Giles' presence had been pretty much hit and miss, the last couple of years anyway, and her dad was mostly MIA since the divorce. Xander was the only one who had never left her.
"Dawn, no one can make definite promises and no one knows how long they are going to live. But I do promise this, as long as I am alive, I will come running anytime you need me, no matter how far. Okay?"
"Okay."
"Now, lets get back to the whole you being pregnant equals me not committing suicide equation. How exactly did you come up with that idea?"
"I read it in one of mom's books. This man's wife died and he was all sad. He was sitting in his office drinking and holding a gun and his secretary saw him. She waited until he was really drunk and then she...you know. She knew he was a responsible guy most of the time. So she told him the next morning that they had slept together, it was possible she was pregnant and he would just have to hang around long enough to find out. So he stopped thinking about killing himself."
"That actually explains several of the conversations we've had recently, but, Dawn, why something so drastic? Why didn't you just talk to me about what you thought was going on?"
"I figured you would just deny it and then be really careful to hide anything else from me. You were already encouraging me to spend almost every weekend with my friends. I thought that was why you wanted me out of the house, to hide what you were doing."
"Not hiding. There was no hiding, okay? When Buffy first left, I was worried, afraid I wouldn't be able to protect you from all the things that go bump in the night."
"Is that why you practiced with weapons every night the first couple of weeks?"
"You saw that?"
"Yeah."
"Well, I wanted to be prepared. But after the second Tuesday night without any major malfunction, I decided that Buffy must be putting off slayer pheromones or something that attracts demons and vampires, or they all migrated to Ohio to be near the hellmouth, because things are just fine without her, fighting wise. We haven't been attacked by anything other worldly since she left. It's been totally un-weird, which is actually kinda weird. You were making new friends, doing well in school. I just wanted you to have a normal life for a little while, go out with friends, shop at the mall, and flirt with guys. All that, without some hell god or apocalypse hanging over your head. That's why I wanted you to be with your friends instead of hanging out with an old guy like me."
"You make it sound like you're ready for a cane. You're only 22, Xander, five years older than me."
"But I'm the same age as Buffy, the person who has been acting as your parent for the last two and a half years."
"But you're not Buffy," Dawn said quietly. "Since she became the slayer..."
"We've all changed a lot over the last seven years."
"Yes, we all have, and that includes me. I may be seventeen, but I've had to deal with a lot more than any average teenager. I think I am mature enough to make some decisions on my own, and I don't appreciate being treated like a child."
"Dawn, the fact that you made this particular choice shows a definite lack in the maturity department."
As Dawn folded her arms and got her stubborn look on her face, Xander sighed. "You know, it would be easier to treat you like an adult if you acted like one." At Dawn's glare, he decided it was a good time to switch topics, sort of. "Dawn, exactly what are you planning to do if you are pregnant? Do you plan to go through with it? What about adoption or abortion?"
"Is that what you want me to do?"
"It's not a matter of what I want, it's about what's best for you. Dawn..."
Dawn interrupted him, her voice rising again, "It's best for me if you don't die." She modulated her voice before continuing, "Xander, there may not be anything to worry about anyway. While it's not the worst time of the month for me to get pregnant, it's not the best either. Since you insist that you're not suicidal, why don't we just wait and see if there is anything to discuss."
Xander hesitated then nodded. "Okay. We'll talk about this again if and when there is something to talk about."
"Good! I'm glad that's over." Dawn's relieved smile lit up her face.
"Hang on. What about the other stuff we need to discuss?"
"What stuff?"
"How you managed to pull this off? What happens with us now? What do we tell Buffy?"
"Buffy!? Why do we have to tell Buffy anything?"
"Dawn, I had sex with my best friend's baby sister. I think she's going to want an explanation."
"We can't tell her. She'll kill me."
"Yeah, right after she kills me."
"Why would she be mad at you? I did this, not you."
Xander shook his head. "Dawn, you don't honestly think that people are going to believe I had nothing to do with this. Most people think that a guy alone for over a month with a beautiful girl will try to seduce her."
Dawn just looked at Xander. *He does think I'm beautiful. Not the point, Dawn. Pull yourself together.* She waited only a beat more before speaking again, "But once I tell them what I did..."
"What exactly did you do?"
"The enchiladas I left for you."
"Yeah."
"I opened up some cold capsules and mixed them into the enchiladas. Well, not mine. I knew once you got to the sports bar and started on the beers..."
"That I would be putty."
"Pretty much."
Xander stood up and began pacing in front of the couch. "Dawn, do you have any idea how dangerous that was? You could have killed me or if I had gotten into a car...I don't even want to think about what could have happened, the number of people who could have been...What were you thinking?"
"I was thinking about you living, not dying. Do you think I would leave that to chance? I'm not some stupid kid working on a whim, Xander. I made my plan to rescue you and I researched everything very carefully. I made calculations based on the active ingredients in the medicine and your body weight." At Xander's glare, Dawn quickly went on. "I checked research on the effects of mixing drugs and alcohol. I even figured how much time it would take you to finish two beers. I can't think of anything I left to chance. I even made a check list."
"Okay, I give on the safety issue. But there is still the trust issues and the way over-stepping of personal boundaries."
"Trust issues? You don't trust me anymore?"
"Dawn, you betrayed a trust. What about the next time?"
"The next time?"
"The next time you want to do something you know I won't agree to. Will you fall back on this?"
"Xander!" Dawn's voice was colored with hurt.
"I'm just saying, Dawn. You have to consider more than the facts and figures and calculations to a plan. You have to think about how people will think and feel. And not just what they will think of you but of others as well. Which brings us back to people thinking I seduced you."
"But once I tell people what I did, they'll know you didn't have anything to do with it."
"No, no, no, no. You can't ever tell anyone what you did."
"But why? If I just tell them..."
"No. You might—" *What can I tell her, besides the truth?* "People might think that you are being allowed access to drugs and alcohol or that we're not supervising you properly. Buffy and I could get in big trouble."
"Oh, I never thought of that," said Dawn.
*Whew! Close one. Since she doesn't realize what she's done, I'd rather she never found out.*
"Dawn, why don't we just set this aside for the day. Keep ourselves occupied. Go out and do something, but nothing too strenuous. We can finish up our discussion tomorrow. How's that sound?"
"Okay, I guess." Dawn spoke hesitantly. It almost sounded like Xander was trying to change the subject, not that she didn't want to change the subject. It was just strange after the 'We've got to talk about this' stance, that he would change his mind so suddenly. But who cares? *I'm willing to play along.*
"Just let me grab my purse."
Xander was relieved that Dawn decided to go along with his plan. He thought they both needed to step back from this situation and clear their minds before moving forward. Surely a day on the town would help things along. Surely.
