Chapter 18: Losses

            "So where is the kid," Helena asked. She was sitting on a table across from the Delphi monitors. They had moved back in a couple of weeks ago. Barbara had returned to work half-time; while Dinah like most of her classmates was being home schooled and went to therapy sessions.

Dinah seemed to be getting back to normal. She hadn't mentioned their conversation in the garage or anything about becoming a hero ever since. Instead she had thrown herself into school work, spending hours every day reading or researching online. She had spent a lot of time in the Clocktower keeping company with Dinah just in case the girl needed someone to talk to, but Dinah hadn't brought up much more than a need to shop and that she was considering quitting cello practice.

Barbara looked up from the incredibly intricate looking electronic design that she had seen so often on her partner's screens these last couple of weeks. "She should be coming home from practice any second now," Barbara replied.

"So when is she going back to school," she asked casually.

Barbara looked up from her work and turned her chair around to face her. "Actually I'm not sure. I've been thinking about it, but I won't make any decision, before I've had my meeting with her tomorrow," she explained.

"You're seeing her shrink," she asked just as the elevator door opened.

"Yeah, tomorrow at 10, unless we're talking about a different shrink or a different kind of seeing," Dinah said with a smirk as she walked up.

"Hi honey," Barbara said.

"Hi, Barbara," Dinah said and walked over towards the kitchen. Helena winced. There was one thing that hadn't changed since they had left the manor. Dinah had stopped referring to her mom as mom. She knew that Dinah felt hurt over her mom turning her down, but it was getting a bit much. "I'm going to do that homework you gave me," Dinah said and headed towards her room. Helena decided she wanted to try and make things better, while Barbara resignedly looked back at her work.

"I have to talk to the kid about something, before I'm heading off to the Dark Horse. I will go live about ten as usual unless something comes up okay," she said. She headed for Dinah's room.

"Knock, knock," she said and walked in to find Dinah sitting at her desk already looking through some math books. A lot could be said about Dinah being stubborn, but she seemed to have a solid work ethic.

"Hi, Helena," she replied without looking up.

"Don't want to look me in the eye, huh," she said, "Maybe you'd feel better if you stopped hurting your mother for doing the only sane thing." Dinah looked up at her.

"Sure, the second she stops treating me like I am a little baby, then I will stop treating her like a stranger. When she treats me like her teenage daughter I will do it," Dinah suggested.

"You're being a brat about this Dinah. I don't pretend to understand everything that happened to you in the school, but I do know that it is exceptionally stupid to let that event and the ones who did it win by driving a stake in between you and your mom. You're become just a stubborn as she is," Helena said.

Dinah looked at her for a moment. For a moment Helena thought she could see past the social mask Dinah presented to the world and see the hurting girl inside. And that little girl made some kind of decision. "I understand, but…" Dinah looked guilty.

"I know it is hard to say you're sorry. But as you told me long ago, when I hurt Barbara, I am not the one you should apologize to. Go to her, Dinah," Helena suggested.

But Dinah didn't get up and run to her mom. Instead her eyes turned stormy and she looked away. "I'll think about it, okay," Dinah said. Helena just nodded and left. She hoped they would figure things out. She hated to see her best friends so troubled.

Barbara Gordon carefully knocked on the glass door and waited. The name on the door said Dr. Wang. After a short while the door was opened and a neatly dressed matronly Asian woman gestured for her to enter. "Miss Gordon, correct," she said as Barbara rolled up to stop in front of her large desk.

"Yes," she replied.

"I am glad we finally meet after having talked so much over the phone," the woman said and smiled slightly.

"Me too," she said.

"I've talked to Dinah several times now. But I have a few questions for you," the doctor gave her a questioning look. Barbara just nodded hoping dearly that Dinah hadn't accidentally given this woman a hint of the truth of her home situation.

"Dinah is a remarkably levelheaded and well adjusted teen, but there were some things that worried me in her previous history and answers. Is it correct that she was hurt in a shooting almost 5 years ago," the doctor asked.

"Yes, we were both shot by the Joker. Dinah saw a therapist back then too," she explained still feeling a bit like she was guilty of bringing the Joker into their lives.

"Ah, okay. And Dinah back then had a panic attack that brought you to have her home schooled for a while back then too," the doctor continued. She nodded assent.

"Hmm, and she hasn't had any problems after that shooting. Any kind of recurring nightmares or special situations like social events that she consistently avoids," Dr. Wang looked up from her paper.

"Well honestly Dinah did have a few nightmares about the situation and for a long while after the shooting she was very socially withdrawn, but after a couple of years she was back to normal," she explained.

"Good, has there been any hint of that this time? I know her best friend died in the incident, but has she shown any reluctance at going out or being alone. Do loud noises frighten her?" the doctor asked.

Barbara thought about Dinah's recent behavior and while she knew that right now Dinah probably wouldn't tell her the time of day, she like any mother knew her daughter's mind and Dinah hadn't seemed at all worried about going out or seeing strangers. "No, there haven't been any problems like that. She is grieving her best friend. They used to play in a regular duet together and I know she misses her every time she plays, but that is about it," she said.

"Thank you, I think that answers all the questions I have. Now, Miss Gordon, I would like to give you a couple of recommendations. Based on my conversations with Dinah and what you just told me I think that Dinah doesn't at all feel secure anywhere but in her home or in your company. Now that could over time develop into several serious problems like agoraphobia and even bigger social problems. Dinah needs to feel secure on her own and I think the best thing to do is to enroll her in some kind of self-defense course," the doctor suggested.

Barbara thought about it. The thought of Dinah timidly hiding in the Clocktower avoiding everybody and never living a regular life scared her. She had never thought that her daughter should need to learn to fight to feel safe, but the more she thought about it the more it made sense. "Alright, I…" She wanted to teach Dinah herself, but she knew what that could lead too and there was no way she was allowing that. "I need to find some good course for her then," she said.

"Good, I would also like to recommend that Dinah continues to come here for a couple of months, because there is also another matter. Dinah has tried to hide it from me, but she is very much afraid of going back to her school. I would like to work on that fear. In the mean time I would like to suggest keeping her home schooled at least until she is ready to return. However because of her current tendency to isolate herself I would also suggest that she should be allowed or forced to have many activities that take her out of the home," Dr. Wang leaned back and gave Barbara an earnest look.

Barbara considered it and believed the therapist was correct. Dinah needed to be treated like that.

Later that day she had made all the arrangement and found a self-defense class that looked like it was both good and safe. "So I've enrolled you in a regular self-defense class. In fact it is not too far from the music school so you should know the way over," she said and watched her daughter smile gratefully for a moment then hide it behind a mask of indifference.

"Cool, I'll go check it out immediately," Dinah said and headed for her room.

Dinah ran to her room and sat down at her computer. The hints she had dropped in conversation with doctor Wang had worked great. Quickly she typed in the web address listed on the pamphlet her mom had just given her and studied the primitive webpage as it appeared on her screen.

Her mom had picked exactly what she had expected, a basic introductory course in self-defense. It was not exactly what she had in mind, but a few manipulations here and there would put her in the place she really wanted to go. She had spent this entire week researching everything and knew exactly where to go and what to do. First she would participate in the course her mom had arranged. Just long enough to learn a few basics and offset any suspicions from anyone. Over time she would put in more and more time both in the class and generally working out. Then she would cancel her place in the course and enroll in the martial arts class she really wanted to take, Krav Maga, according to all her research, it was a very effective martial art used a lot by police and military forces.

A sore and tired Dinah Lance Gordon waited for the elevator doors to open and admit her to her home. She had been taking self-defense class for a week now and it had turned out to be a whole lot harder than she expected. She had known that she had been in the greatest shape, but she hadn't thought it would be so difficult and slow to catch up.

Dinah walked into the Clocktower. Delphi was humming away and all the main room lights were on, but she couldn't see her mom anywhere. Then her eyes spied the wheelchair sitting empty next to the electronics workshop of her mom. She took a few steps in that direction and caught sight of a pair of feet just next to the wheelchair.

She ran over and dropped down to her mom. Her mom lay stretched out towards the kitchen looking pale and clearly unconscious. Dinah reached down and felt her mom's hot breath against her hand. "Mom, are you alright?" she cried out. All promises of last punishment and stubborn pride were forgotten as she called out to the single most important person in her life.

Her mom didn't answer. Dinah quickly examined her mom, while debating who to call. A call to 911 was almost out of the question, unless she could find a better option. She didn't know the phone number of the Dark Horse, where Helena's shift would just have begun. "Alfred," she said as she remembered the phone number to Wayne manor.

However before she got up she noticed that something was attached to her mother's back. Slowly she reached over and lifted up her mom's dark red blouse. A strange electronic object was attached to her mother's back. A few diodes were blinking red probably indicating something was wrong. Dinah noticed that the thing was strapped to her mom's back and decided that it could be the reason for the trouble.

After an internal debate she reached up and undid the Velcro. She pulled the thing away and her mom let out a shuddering breath. Her eyes started to flutter and then opened. "Mom, are you alright? Should I call an ambulance?" She asked.

Barbara reached up and caressed her chin. "So you're calling me mom again?" she asked.

"Nevermind that, if you're not telling me I am just going to go ahead and call," she said even while the now rare closeness with her mom made her telepathy catch all the emotions of love, hurt and pain roiling in her mother's mind. She didn't mind people touching her, but she felt a bit weird knowing too many of her mom's thoughts and emotions.

"I'll be fine. It was just an experiment that failed," her mom said and tried to get up. Dinah grabbed her hand and while her tired muscles protested she managed to help her mom back into her chair.

Dinah looked at the device now lying on the floor. "What were you trying to do?" She asked.

Barbara looked away staring up at the clock. "Nothing, it was just something I wanted to try," she explained. Dinah didn't believe her.

"Don't please mom, what is this?" She said and picked up the device.

Barbara looked a little resigned then said, "I was trying to see if my idea had worked."

"What idea?" Dinah pressed.

"You remember the surgery I had this summer. I had a small device spliced to each end of my spine. They're a kind of advanced receivers and transmitters, but because they're so small there is no way for them to work without external help. I already have my wheelchair ready to be remote controlled by my thoughts, but I want more. I want to walk again. I want to be able to stand on my own. I want to be able to move around without this chair," she explained.

"I don't believe it. How could you go and have something experimental done to you. That didn't look like moving around. That looked like you had hurt yourself," Dinah felt hurt over her mom keeping even more secrets from her, ignoring that righteous voice in her head reminding her that she was no better.

"It doesn't work yet. It just made everything hurt just like I had lost my legs all over again. I wasn't prepared for that," she explained.

"Tell me the truth, how dangerous is it? You haven't told me about it, and I am guessing that no one else knows either right. You've kept this hidden like some dirty secret so it has to be bad," Dinah pleaded.

Barbara gave her a look of unhappiness then sighed. "You're getting way too clever… You're right Dinah, I didn't tell you because it is dangerous… and painful. It could damage my spine further and if the signals go wrong things could happen like just now," she admitted to her.

"Then why would you do it?" Dinah asked in a tiny voice.

"Why would I do it? Dinah, you're a teenager now, yet we haven't been out of town for years. Helena is the one, who takes you shopping, because most of the shops are too hard to navigate in my chair. I can't hold onto a single boyfriend. I miss being a whole person Dinah. I miss all of it. When you got caught inside the High School I felt so helpless. I couldn't come to your rescue. I want that back. I want all of it back," her mom broke down in tears.

Dinah felt ill at ease. She had only seen her mom cry a few times in her life, but never had she been as desolate and unhappy as now. Then she realized that her mother had pinned a lot of her dreams on the invention that had just failed. And it had reminded her of her losses. All those tradeoffs and odd turns their lives had taken had been pulled forth in her mind again. It wasn't really a wonder that her mom was crying.

She leaned over, awkwardly because of her height, and gripped her mom in a hug. She was almost crying herself. "Mom, I know how much it hurts. All those things that go lost every day, all those things that go missing in life. Like my birth mom dying. I miss her sometimes. You changed after getting shot. I miss you being really happy. I miss feeling safe on the streets or even in my dreams. I miss feeling like everyone else, but I know that I just have to touch someone to know I am not… I… I miss Joy… But you know what. We can't burry ourselves beneath all those things we miss. We can't use them as excuses for recklessness," she said, while remaining in her mom's arms.

Barbara was silent for a while, but Dinah could feel the torrent of emotions in her mother due as their skin touched. "I just can't give up, Dinah. Being able to walk again is one of my last remaining dreams," Barbara whispered.

"I know… And one day you will. But not at the cost of your health," she said. Barbara remained silent, but Dinah could sense that she hadn't come to a conclusion.

"I can't lose you too. I wouldn't be able to bear it. I am sorry I have been so mean to you lately. I thought I was right, but I was just being stubborn. Please, mom," and Dinah suddenly felt her mom putting a warm hand on her back and she sensed her mother's emotions calming down.

"I won't take any more stupid chances or self-experiments, I promise," her mom said. Dinah leaned back. Her mom took the device and put it into a cupboard, which she then symbolically locked.

A few hours later Barbara Gordon sat in the darkness. She had just sent Helena home. The patrol of New Gotham had only yielded a couple of purse snatchers and a few less drug dealers tonight. She looked down at a small pile of CDs that filled with files she had gotten off Delphi from a very secret archive deep inside the machine. She knew now that it was time for them to pass to their rightful owner.

Barbara opened the door to her daughter's room and found the teen still sitting at her computer browsing some online content. "I know, I know, it's late and I should be in bed," Dinah said.

Barbara smiled. "Actually Dinah I am not sure you'll get enough sleep tonight and maybe I should wait until tomorrow, but I wasn't sure I would keep my nerve for that long. Do you remember when you were little and I gave you a video that your mom had made for you? You got very upset and cried a lot," she asked feeling suddenly apprehensive. She had kept these from her daughter for a long time in part to avoid opening old wounds, but maybe also in part because she felt they interfered with her life with her daughter.

"Yeah, I remember. I still have the video," Dinah said.

"There were more than one video. One has arrived every year a few days before your birthday. I've been storing them in Delphi until I was sure you'd be able to watch them without… without becoming too upset. But after today I think that I should have given them to you no matter what. I love you honey and I hate seeing you unhappy, but I should have you given these videos regardless of how I felt… Here you are. I've turned them into files you can view on your computer," she handed over the CDs and turned her wheelchair to leave.

"Mom… would you watch them with me?" Her daughter's slightly frightened voice drew her back inside. Dinah sounded and looked like she might need her support.

Barbara nodded and rolled up to sit next to her daughter in silence as Carolyn Lance's face appeared in a window on the computer screen. Her daughter's hand rested easily in hers.