Chapter 8: Discoveries

July 26, 2003

"What's up, Dawnmeister?" Xander asked from the doorway of the office.

"Nothing!" Dawn said as she quickly spun in the office chair.

Up went Xander's eyebrows. "Nothing might be a little more believable if you didn't have something face." Xander entered the room, headed for the computer where Dawn had been engrossed.

Dawn noted that he stopped several feet away from her. *Still with the avoiding of me.* Almost a week had passed and he still wouldn't come within reach of her, not that she was planning to do any reaching. *Fine, I don't care.* She turned back to the computer, brought up a new page and began looking through the favorite's list. She quickly found a site she knew Xander would find boring and brought it up, careful to keep the other site she had been looking at minimized.

"Dawnie, please look at me."

Dawn slowly spun back around in the chair. Xander had moved closer but was still standing more than an arm's length away. She looked at his face.

"Remember what we talked about? About honesty and sharing our feelings? Well, I feel like you're hiding something from me and I'm just wondering what you won't share with me."

Dawn turned away and Xander could see the pink rising in her face.

"If it's girl stuff, something you don't feel comfortable talking to me about, we can call Buffy or Willow. Or maybe you could talk to the mother of one of your friends."

"Buffy would be the last person I talk to about this." Dawn exclaimed.

"So, there is something to talk about?" inquired Xander.

"It's just some research I'm doing."

"Oh. Do you need to talk to Giles then?"

Dawn looked at Xander and rolled her eyes before turning back to the computer. "It's not that kind of research. I do research things besides demons, vampires and other assorted oogly-booglies."

"A school project then."

Dawn's shoulders dropped and Xander heard her sigh. He saw her hands go back to the keyboard and start typing. "Xander, did you need something, I'm really busy."

"Dawn, what's wrong?"

"Well, that's new."

Xander looked puzzled. Dawn continued, "I was beginning to think you had forgotten my name. You haven't used it in so long."

"I use your name all the time. Why would you think I had forgotten it?"

Dawn spun the chair back around. Xander was startled by the piercing blue of her eyes. She was angry.

"You don't say my name. You call me Dawnie or Dawnster or the Dawnmeister. You have all week," her head dropped and she continued, barely above a whisper, "since last Sunday."

Xander hesitated, hoping this wasn't going where he thought it was going. "What about last Sunday?"

"You tell me." Dawn's head had popped back up again as her voice rose. "You're the one who has been avoiding me and refusing to say my name. You tell me what's wrong."

"Dawn, I just..." his voice trailed off as he avoided her eyes.

"And now who's not sharing? Don't ask me to do what you won't. If you're mad at me, just say it. I can take it. I was even expecting it, but when you acted all calm and cool about stuff, I thought everything was okay. But now you've been avoiding me all week, you won't touch me and you wouldn't say my name."

"Uh., Dawn, I really don't think we need to be doing anymore touching. That's what got us into this..."

"God, Xander, I'm not asking you to jump my bones. I'm asking you to be the way you were before, with the normal touching. Like when you'd try to steal my bacon and I'd smack your hand or we'd fight for the remote control or snuggle together on the couch to watch a movie. Why can't we do that anymore?"

"Because that's not who we are anymore. Because you're not just Buffy's little sister and I'm not just the older brother figure. When I look at you, I'm a guy and you're a girl. A girl I have had sex with."

"But you don't remember anything. If I had left before you woke up, you wouldn't have even known about..."

"I would have known, Dawn." At her puzzled expression, he elaborated, "The sheets."

"The sheets?" It didn't take her long. "Oh, the sheets."

"Plus there are other things that are new since that night."

"Other things?"

"Since you want to do the honesty thing, we'll give it a shot." *And hope I don't come out sounding like some kind of dirty old man.* "I've been having dreams Dawn, very unbrotherly dreams, about you and I'm avoiding you because I'm uncomfortable around you. I just want to avoid any reminders or temptation."

"Well, it's good to know that I'm at least tempting. I was starting to think that I had the plague or that you just hated me."

"I don't hate you, Dawn, I love you. I always have and always will. But something like this definitely changes a relationship. I don't know which me to be around you anymore. I should be angry. But you honestly thought you were saving my life, so how can I be angry that you care for me that much. I don't know what's going to happen next, but I do want us to stay friends."

"I want that too, Xander. I never meant to hurt you, and I'm sorry you don't feel comfortable around me now. How can I fix it?"

"For now we'll just take it a little at a time. See what happens next. Okay?"

"Okay." Dawn smiled at Xander, glad they were clearing things up. "Now, since you've shared, I'll show you what I was working on when you came in." Dawn turned back to the computer while Xander grabbed a chair and pulled it up to her right. He still wasn't touching her but it was the closest he had been all week.

Dawn pulled up her minimized page and turned to look at Xander. She wanted to see his reaction.

"What is that blob?" Xander raised his had to point at the screen.

"It's what a baby looks like seven days after conception."

Xander turned a startled eye to her. "Baby! You already know you're pregnant?"

"No. I don't know if I'm pregnant. I just wanted to see what my baby would look like if I were."

"But you're sure you're not pregnant?"

"No, Xander, I don't know that I am pregnant, but I don't know that I'm not either. My period isn't due for another week." At Xander's cringe, Dawn reached out to smack him on the arm. She was relieved when he didn't pull away. "You're an adult, Xander. There is no need to act like someone in junior high."

She turned back to the computer, shaking her head. "I did some research last night about pregnancy tests, signs and symptoms. But I think there are more exceptions than rules. I mean, it says that the symptoms of pregnancy are late period, fatigue, nausea, vomiting, tenderness in the breasts and mood swings. Some women have even been known to faint. Then there is the flip side. Women who experience only some or none of the regular symptoms. They even spot their first month, sometimes that happens when the egg implants, and don't even realize their regular period isn't happening." She noticed she was getting the 'can't we talk about something else' look from Xander and decided to move to another topic. "But I should really be talking about weeks. Everyone says nine months, but pregnancy is actually measured in weeks. They start counting from the first day of your last period. Forty weeks is a full term pregnancy. Since that was three weeks ago, this would technically be the third week of my pregnancy, even though we only had sex a week ago. Anyway," she went on, "most of the pregnancy tests want you to wait at least a week after your period should have started to do the test."

"So that would be..."

"Saturday, August 9th."

"So if something doesn't happen before then to say otherwise, you'll be peeing on a stick two weeks from today."

"Xander, that's gross." Dawn reached out to smack his arm again.

Xander cradled his arm, faking pain, before exclaiming, "I'm gross? You're the one who brought up the whole bodily function subject."

"Well, I hate to tell you this but if I am pregnant, it will get a whole lot worse before it gets better. Mrs. Parker was having a talk with Jenny, Amber's little sister, about what to expect, and she thought it would be good for Amber and I to hear it too. It was very enlightening and totally ick. She also told her about this," Dawn gestured back to the computer screen, "really cool web site that you can go to. You put in your due date and it will tell you how your baby looks today, so I thought I'd check it out. Isn't it weird that that could be in me right now. And look, here at the end of week seven, the baby from the top of its head to its butt is only one-third of an inch tall. All curled up, it's the size of a pea."

Dawn reached over to the mouse and started clicking around the page. She already seemed very familiar with the site.

"This is what the baby will look like at six weeks. Its heart beats during the sixth week. By the time it gets to nine weeks it will even have toenails. Isn't that fascinating?

"You're really excited about this."

"Yes, I am." Dawn said with a serene smile.

Xander was amazed at Dawn's appearance. She looked so calm and confident when he was very close to his last straw. "Why?"

"When I got this idea I thought about just making it look like we had spent the night together and convince you I might be pregnant. I also thought about just sleeping with you and using a condom, so that while there would be a remote chance I was pregnant, it wouldn't be likely. I knew that if I did this as I planned, I needed to consider all the possible consequences, and yes, I know that I really didn't consider them all, but the stuff I considered were STDs, pregnancy, the fact that you might hate me, and what Buffy would do if she found out. Pregnancy and Buffy having a cow were the greatest risks, so I considered them carefully. Buffy has a cow about everything I do, so no big. Pregnancy would mean a baby. A big responsibility, yes, but I had the fate of the world resting on my shoulders at one time, so I thought I could probably handle it. The more I thought about it, the more I considered everything that comes with a baby, the more I wanted it to happen."

"Dawn, I..." Xander tried unsuccessfully to break in.

"Xander, I know that you really hope I'm not pregnant. It would be much simpler for both of us if I'm not, but...but I really want this."

Xander sighed heavily. "Dawn, I just want what's best for you."

"Do you think its best for me to be alone? To have no family?" Her voice rose sharply. Xander could hear the pain in every word.

"You have a family, Dawn." He tried to reassure her.

"My mother is dead and my father is worse than dead because he chooses not to be around. That leaves my sister, the slayer, who has been told repeatedly that she probably won't live to see twenty-five which means I have...what?..three years left with her. When she dies, I'll be alone."

"You'll still have me and the rest of the Scoobies."

"I don't even have you now." As he started to interrupt, Dawn ploughed on, "I just thought, 'Leave it to fate' and if it happens, it happens and if it doesn't, it doesn't. But if I am pregnant, I plan to be the best mother my child could have, like my mother was."

"But Dawn, you have other options."

"Yes, I know. You mentioned abortion and adoption. I will only do either of those if you absolutely insist. Adoption to me means there will be a child out there wondering why his or her parents didn't want them. Abortion would be destroying a part of you and I don't want to do that. I kinda like the idea of having someone who won't leave me, not for a long time anyway. I would like to be a family, me and my baby, and Buffy, if she's around. I mean, until the Watcher's Council and the Ohio hellmouth are all sorted out, who knows where she'll end up. Dad has this house here but spends most of his time in Europe. As long as he's maintaining the house anyway, I don't see why it should be a problem for me to stay here."

"What about school and money? How are you planning to handle both of those?"

"Well, I'm actually a very good student. Just because I haven't been a Brainiac in the last two or three years doesn't mean I can't learn the material. I don't think I will have any problem getting a general education degree. I could do college or maybe go ahead and get a job. I thought about talking to Giles. With the reorganization of the Watcher's Council, my two years of experience in research might come in handy. And if can't get a job or can't handle one along with school, my father probably owes enough in back child support to keep me comfortable for years."

"Since you're all self-sufficienty, how exactly were you planning to convince me that you needed me."

"Oh, please. I can do damsel in distress with the best of them. With the fighty stuff Buffy was teaching me, I could probably take half the guys at Sunnydale High. But do you think I let them see that. That would be the quickest way in the world to not get a date for prom."

Xander just rolled his eye at that bit of teenage logic. "Well, since you have it all laid out, where exactly do I fit into this plan?"

"Wherever you want to fit. If you want to be active in the baby's life, be a daddy, that would be great. If not, the baby and I will be fine without you. If you decide you do hate me and never want to see me again, I would rather know that you are alive somewhere in the world because of us, than to have done nothing and know that I could have prevented your death. I want to be absolutely clear though. It was never my intention to trap you into something you don't want. I don't expect anything from you."

"Dawn, it's just not going to be that easy. People older than you have not been able to handle the pressures of raising a child."

"I'm not your mother and you are not your father." Dawn regretted her outburst immediately.

"My parents are not the issue." Xander was gritting his teeth as he spoke.

"Aren't they?" Dawn asked softly.

There was a moment of silence as both tried to regroup. Just as Xander took a deep breath, preparing to speak, Dawn beat him to the punch. "Xander, why did you leave Anya at the wedding?"