Chapter 9: Demons
Dawn looked at Xander. Somehow, she knew this was the key. If she knew why he had left the woman he loved, when he was so set on marrying her just a short time before, she felt she would know everything there was to know about him.
She watched Xander. He was still sitting in the chair to her right, but now his elbows were resting on his spread legs, his fingers laced together and his eye staring at the floor. He seemed lost in thought. She thought he had forgotten her presence until he began to speak.
"You know about the demon that was there that day. The one who wanted revenge against Anya. Well, he did his research well. He knew exactly what it would take to scare me away. And that's what I was, Dawn. I was scared."
Xander pushed back the chair, stood and began pacing the room. Dawn turned to follow him with her eyes as he walked back and forth. "He told me he was showing me my future. Maybe it was my future, maybe just something he made up. But the problem was I could see it happening. I could see myself becoming that man. He was critical, angry, and bitter. He drank to drown his sorrows. He regretted his inability to save Buffy. His constant rejection caused his wife to turn to someone else. And how was I different than the 'future guy' he showed me. I wasn't. I criticized Anya all the time. I told myself it was to help her fit in better, but after a while, I should have just accepted it as part of her and moved on. If something came up that I couldn't deal with, the first place I'd go would be the closest bar. I know if it ever came down to a fight for Buffy's life, if she couldn't defeat it, I wouldn't be able to either. But I would regret forever that I was not enough help to save her."
Xander halted and turned to face Dawn. "But future guy, he killed Anya. That was the one thing I saw that I couldn't let happen. I was scared that I would one day kill the woman I loved. So I left. During that week I was away I gave it a lot of thought. In a lot of ways my relationship with Anya was a lot like my parents. A relationship based on sex, combined with criticism and alcohol. In their case, they got 'caught' and back in the early eighties there were people who still did the shotgun wedding thing. So they married, had a child they didn't want and proceeded to make each other's lives miserable. But I also realized that in a lot of ways Anya and I were different. Our relationship wasn't only based on sex, even though it started that way. We had other things in common, things we liked to do together, our shared 'creature' knowledge, and the fact that I wasn't an alcoholic. That's why when I came back, I thought we might could work something out. I figured eventually, with time and counseling, we could get back to that stage in our relationship."
"But it never came?" Dawn asked quietly.
"No, it never did. I spent her birthday this year looking back and regretting our lost time. Over a year that we could have been together, if we had only known how it would end."
"Her birthday?"
"Well, her made up birthday. It's the birthday she gave the Watcher's Counsel when they were interviewing her. After that she insisted that we celebrate it then, since she didn't know when her real birthday was, because birth was a present occasion. Anya did like to get presents."
"When was her birthday?"
"July 4th."
"The day I saw you with the crossbow, with the drinking and the chest- pointing-at."
"Yeah, I guess it was."
"Well, now I know why you were drinking. But why did you do the crossbow thing? Were you that upset?"
"Actually, that was because of something Buffy had said when she called earlier that day."
"Xander, I know Buffy can be annoying, but I don't think it would be suicide worthy."
Xander just shook his head and grinned at her teasing, knowing she was trying to cheer him up. "No, Dawn, that's not it. Buffy thought you might be home because there was no school that day. When I told her you had gone on a picnic, she started telling me about a problem they've been having in Ohio. The trigger and safety mechanisms on the crossbows need adjusting or something."
"So you were working on crossbow modifications?"
"Well, trying anyway. Not exactly the brightest idea to do it when you're a little out of it."
"Oh." Dawn gave Xander a sheepish look. "I guess that was quite a jump on that conclusion."
"Yeah." Xander gave another grin before doing his own share of teasing. "If it were an Olympic event, you'd be sporting the gold." Dawn rolled her eyes and shook her head.
"Come on, kid." Xander said as he started toward the door.
Dawn halted in her tracks. "I'm not a kid."
"How about this?" Xander said as he watched Dawn from several feet away. "I'll treat you like an adult as long as you act like one. Deal?"
Dawn hesitated only a second. "Deal."
"Ok. Come on, Dawn," Xander gave slight emphasis to her name before he extended his hand to her, continuing, "let's go see if we can't round up something to eat and a movie we haven't seen yet."
He almost had to catch his breath at the smile that blossomed on her face. Yeah, this might be difficult for him, but he never wanted this beautiful girl/woman to feel unwanted or unloved for even a minute. He would just have to deal with his demons alone.
Dawn looked at Xander. Somehow, she knew this was the key. If she knew why he had left the woman he loved, when he was so set on marrying her just a short time before, she felt she would know everything there was to know about him.
She watched Xander. He was still sitting in the chair to her right, but now his elbows were resting on his spread legs, his fingers laced together and his eye staring at the floor. He seemed lost in thought. She thought he had forgotten her presence until he began to speak.
"You know about the demon that was there that day. The one who wanted revenge against Anya. Well, he did his research well. He knew exactly what it would take to scare me away. And that's what I was, Dawn. I was scared."
Xander pushed back the chair, stood and began pacing the room. Dawn turned to follow him with her eyes as he walked back and forth. "He told me he was showing me my future. Maybe it was my future, maybe just something he made up. But the problem was I could see it happening. I could see myself becoming that man. He was critical, angry, and bitter. He drank to drown his sorrows. He regretted his inability to save Buffy. His constant rejection caused his wife to turn to someone else. And how was I different than the 'future guy' he showed me. I wasn't. I criticized Anya all the time. I told myself it was to help her fit in better, but after a while, I should have just accepted it as part of her and moved on. If something came up that I couldn't deal with, the first place I'd go would be the closest bar. I know if it ever came down to a fight for Buffy's life, if she couldn't defeat it, I wouldn't be able to either. But I would regret forever that I was not enough help to save her."
Xander halted and turned to face Dawn. "But future guy, he killed Anya. That was the one thing I saw that I couldn't let happen. I was scared that I would one day kill the woman I loved. So I left. During that week I was away I gave it a lot of thought. In a lot of ways my relationship with Anya was a lot like my parents. A relationship based on sex, combined with criticism and alcohol. In their case, they got 'caught' and back in the early eighties there were people who still did the shotgun wedding thing. So they married, had a child they didn't want and proceeded to make each other's lives miserable. But I also realized that in a lot of ways Anya and I were different. Our relationship wasn't only based on sex, even though it started that way. We had other things in common, things we liked to do together, our shared 'creature' knowledge, and the fact that I wasn't an alcoholic. That's why when I came back, I thought we might could work something out. I figured eventually, with time and counseling, we could get back to that stage in our relationship."
"But it never came?" Dawn asked quietly.
"No, it never did. I spent her birthday this year looking back and regretting our lost time. Over a year that we could have been together, if we had only known how it would end."
"Her birthday?"
"Well, her made up birthday. It's the birthday she gave the Watcher's Counsel when they were interviewing her. After that she insisted that we celebrate it then, since she didn't know when her real birthday was, because birth was a present occasion. Anya did like to get presents."
"When was her birthday?"
"July 4th."
"The day I saw you with the crossbow, with the drinking and the chest- pointing-at."
"Yeah, I guess it was."
"Well, now I know why you were drinking. But why did you do the crossbow thing? Were you that upset?"
"Actually, that was because of something Buffy had said when she called earlier that day."
"Xander, I know Buffy can be annoying, but I don't think it would be suicide worthy."
Xander just shook his head and grinned at her teasing, knowing she was trying to cheer him up. "No, Dawn, that's not it. Buffy thought you might be home because there was no school that day. When I told her you had gone on a picnic, she started telling me about a problem they've been having in Ohio. The trigger and safety mechanisms on the crossbows need adjusting or something."
"So you were working on crossbow modifications?"
"Well, trying anyway. Not exactly the brightest idea to do it when you're a little out of it."
"Oh." Dawn gave Xander a sheepish look. "I guess that was quite a jump on that conclusion."
"Yeah." Xander gave another grin before doing his own share of teasing. "If it were an Olympic event, you'd be sporting the gold." Dawn rolled her eyes and shook her head.
"Come on, kid." Xander said as he started toward the door.
Dawn halted in her tracks. "I'm not a kid."
"How about this?" Xander said as he watched Dawn from several feet away. "I'll treat you like an adult as long as you act like one. Deal?"
Dawn hesitated only a second. "Deal."
"Ok. Come on, Dawn," Xander gave slight emphasis to her name before he extended his hand to her, continuing, "let's go see if we can't round up something to eat and a movie we haven't seen yet."
He almost had to catch his breath at the smile that blossomed on her face. Yeah, this might be difficult for him, but he never wanted this beautiful girl/woman to feel unwanted or unloved for even a minute. He would just have to deal with his demons alone.
