CHAPTER 13 - A NEW COMMITMENT
Dr Henry Chan nodded with approval as he carefully viewed Tinarda Tracy's medical chart.
"She's had the CT scan this morning I see." he observed looking at the Sister in Charge. "Surprisingly little damage it seems."
The Sister nodded.
"Early indications are there is a bit of loss on the right side. Dr. Cameron said to tell you he won't be able to assess things further until we're able to get her up."
"Have you tried that yet?" he queried.
"No Doctor. Mrs. Tracy hasn't been up to it. He did say though that with therapy and a positive attitude he's most hopeful she will have a full recovery."
Henry Chan smiled at the sister and then at Tin-Tin who lay in silence listening to them speak.
"Well that's certainly good news." he acknowledged as he now gave his full attention to Tin-Tin. "So then young lady, you've got a bit of colour back in you today. No more swelling either." he smiled pulling back the blankets. "Let's take a look at how things are going down here shall we?"
He lifted her loose cotton nightdress and moved his hand slowly down the length of his incision. It was hard not to relive those dreadful hours in theatre as he did so. Still, despite the length of the scar for which he was apologetic, things looked like they were healing nicely.
He pulled the blankets back up and wrote briefly on the chart.
"Everything's looking very satisfactory Mrs. Tracy." he said reassuringly. "How is the pain now?"
The pretty dark haired girl swallowed and began to move her lips slowly.
"O...OK." she replied with difficulty.
"So there's still some pain there then?"
She nodded silently.
"Bad pain?"
Her lips moved slowly again. "N...No Si..r"
"Bearable?"
She nodded.
"Good. You are a very brave young lady." he smiled and turned to the sister.
"Maintain the painkillers for another twenty four hours would you."
The sister nodded as he addressed Tin-Tin.
"Mrs Tracy, I'd like to think we could get you up into a sitting position today." he began.
He saw a worried look come over her face.
"Nothing hard. I promise." he smiled. "All right?"
She nodded again.
"We might even let you have a try at holding the baby too as a bit of a trade off. What do you say?"
Her face brightened and his own gentle face lit up at the sight of it. Despite what had happened to her, he was pleased he had taken his time in the operation. She wouldn't be here at all if he had rushed. It gave him tremendous satisfaction to know she would soon get to experience the joy of holding her baby when she had been hovering between life and death just over a week ago.
"Good girl. I'll authorise you to try both. I'll see you in the morning."
"Th...th..ank.." she began and then tossed her head to one side in despair as the words simply refused to come out. Frustrated tears began to fall from her eyes as she lay there glassy eyed and devastated at her condition.
Henry Chan saw her unhappiness and patted her hand gently before he turned to leave the room.
"Mrs. Tracy please give yourself time. You need to recover from the caesarean section before we start anything else. I really don't think you realise just how close we all came to losing you."
Tin-Tin stared straight ahead as her tears ran unchecked from the sides of her eyes and onto the pillow.
"Who cares how close I came. I was only supposed to have a baby not have this happen." her shattered spirit cried out unable to communicate. "If this is how I'm going to be for the rest of my life why didn't you just let me die."
She didn't want to look like she was eavesdropping but she knew she simply had to. She had heard his name mentioned and it worried her why.
Adelaide Washington paused for a few minutes before finally knocking on the door of Hank Davies' Office.
Hank looked up from his televid call and smiled when he saw her. He motioned her to enter the Office with his coffee as he continued the call. Adelaide came inside and looked at Hank uncomfortably before placing the coffee on the desk. She knew he was talking to Jeff Tracy.
"What time roughly Jeff?" Hank enquired making a signal with his hand for Adelaide to remain.
"I'm quite not sure Hank to be honest." Jeff Tracy replied. "He's stopping off in San Diego to see his new niece for a couple of hours on his way over. He won't be in New York long. I only want him to sign those contract renewals and go over his new plans with you and head home. After what's happened to young Tin-Tin I want her all the family around her for support."
Hank nodded.
"Understandable Jeff. All right. We'll see him when we see him then."
"That's about it Hank. Now is everything else all right? Since I had the week in San Diego I seem to have lost touch with everything"
"I have to say Jeff, the operation in Tokyo has never been better. Stock is riding high. Oh ... and while I think of it young Adelaide is due to finish up with us next week. She's here now if you care to wish her all the best."
He motioned Adelaide to come and stand beside him.
"Mrs. Washington." Jeff acknowledged politely trying to keep his feelings of disappointment at her affair with his eldest son well in check. "Adelaide... thank you for all your good work in the Company. It's been what ...two years?"
"Nearly Mr. Tracy." she corrected him in a curt voice.
"Nearly two years. That's certainly nothing to be overlooked. Do you mind telling me if you are moving on to something else?" he enquired.
"No Mr. Tracy. I'm due to have a baby in four weeks time. I thought you were aware of that."
"No I wasn't actually" he replied carefully, trying not to look like he was calculating dates. "Goodness you're cutting things fine in leaving us then."
"I enjoy my work Mr. Tracy." she replied in a professional voice. "Even now I have only decided to leave due to the insistence of my husband."
Jeff Tracy felt like she had slapped him with the tone of her comment. It reminded him of how Tin-Tin reacted when he hinted at her standing down.
"I see. Mark must be anxious for you both. Well I think I'm speaking for both Hank and myself in saying we'll be sorry to lose you."
She nodded. "I'll be sorry to go."
The two of them began to feel awkward. He got the distinct impression she was feeling just as nervous talking to him as he was to her. He supposed she would be nervous knowing he knew of her affair with his eldest son.
"Er... well. All the best then. Please let me know when the baby arrives safely won't you?"
Adelaide nodded. "Certainly and please offer Alan my congratulations too Mr. Tracy. He and I became good friends when he was over here. And ... tell Scott I said goodbye." she added carefully but with real sadness in her voice.
"You can say goodbye to him yourself." Jeff Tracy replied. "He's flying into Teterboro later today."
All the colour drained from Adelaide Washington's face as her hand instinctively flew to her distended stomach. Jeff Tracy noticed her reaction and instantly began to worry.
"Adelaide?" he queried. "Are you all right?"
"Yes Mr. Tracy." she said tightly. "Thank you for your good wishes."
A feeling of dread came over Adelaide Washington as she quickly turned and left the room feeling as if she was about to be sick.
Scott couldn't come here.
There was too much at stake for her now.
The two jets powered in within minutes of each other, both sleek and magnificent. The first to land on the tarmac was a conventional jet designed by Jefferson Tracy. It was closely followed by the second, a brand new magnificent machine carefully crafted by his eldest son.
Both jets taxied along separate paths on the runway attracting a good deal of attention. Those viewing the landings from the airport lounge who knew the name of Tracy shrugged. The Tracy Jets came and went all the time here. Those who didn't recognise the name watched in awe. There was no doubt that the powerful jets made a silent and obvious statement of wealth. They made no statement of the years of hard work and dedication it took to acquire them. Some nodded and acknowledged Jeff Tracy's massive business empire built on technological genius. Others continued to watch the two jets with fascination. Their fascination was about to be rewarded with an extremely rare sight in San Diego.
Four of the five Tracy sons were about to be seen together. All single. All armed with a black credit card with no limit.
Tracy One came to a standstill near the hangar first and after a short delay, Virgil and John Tracy stepped onto the tarmac. Both brothers watched Excelsior approach them as Virgil breathed a sigh of silent admiration. Scott certainly knew how to design aircraft. Tracy One had left Tracy Island almost two hours in front of Excelsior and only just reached San Diego as Scott roared above them in another flight path.
"The moment he steps out of that jet he'll pay out on us Johnny." Virgil said. "Just pretend you're not impressed."
John shrugged. "I won't be pretending. It doesn't impress me."
"You're not serious are you John? How can you not be impressed by Excelsior?" Virgil asked in amazement. "Beats anything you'll see anywhere else in the world."
"It's merely a jet big brother." John began in an bored voice. "Big deal. If you want to feel power and speed take a spin with me into space."
Virgil gave John a cautious look before turning down the pointed invitation. "No thanks. I hear you exceed the speed limit when you drive!"
At that moment Scott Tracy emerged from Excelsior followed by their brother Gordon. Virgil laughed. He knew Scott walked with a noticeable swagger whenever he was in his element or felt superior about something and he was obviously feeling both now by the way he approached them. And why wouldn't he Virgil supposed as he tried to contain his laughter. Scott was doing what he loved; flying; and doing it in his brand new jet, the result of months of private design work. It was his "baby."
"Man that was some swell ride Scott." Gordon enthused as walked next to him. "Can I take a another ride in it to New York with you?"
Scott's deep voice sounded almost like his Father's as he replied.
"Squirt I'm going to New York to sign a couple of things for Dad that's all. There won't be enough time for you to go womanising if that's what's behind the request for a free ride."
Scott shook his head at Gordon's mischievous look which confirmed his suspicions.
As they approached their two brothers Scott's face widened into a smug grin.
"So errr… what took you so long Virg?" he smirked.
Virgil dismissed his sarcasm with an annoyed wave of his hand.
"Ah save it Scott. You say the same lame line to me every single time you get out of an aircraft. You even say it when I reach a danger zone in Thunderbird Two."
"Oh come on Virg. You gotta admit she's impressive ..."
"…for a jet." John interjected with a tone of indifference.
Scott's dark blue eyes flashed dangerously in John's direction.
"… for a jet." he added in a biting tone not taking his eyes off him.
John gave his brother an identical glare.
"Exactly." he replied before looking away and winking at Virgil.
Scott's eyebrows knitted together with disapproval.
John and his blasted sarcasm!
"Where is Alan anyway?" he frowned. "He knows I've only got a few hours before I've got to head to New York."
"Well the rest of us can take our time." Gordon piped up again eager to embrace a period of shore leave no matter where it was he found himself. "Dad's allowed the rest of us twenty-four hours over here before we have to head back. I still can't believe he agreed to stand us all down to come visit Tin-Tin and the baby."
His face lit up with a cheeky, knowing smile. "And enjoy some much needed shore leave."
"Yes Virgil and I were talking about that." John nodded. "Dad's never agreed to let us all leave the island together since operations started."
"Well irrespective of why Dad did it, I'll still more than likely get home from New York before you three get back from here in that old thing." Scott scoffed. "That's how slow it is."
"Dad's jet is only a year old," Virgil said protectively and then warned. "I'd be a little careful about saying it's slow around the old man if I were you Scott. He's rather proud of that design."
"Here's our ride now!" Gordon enthused before Scott and Virgil could continue their discussion. The black Porsche driven by their youngest brother purred towards the Hangar.
"Even Dad's Porsche is faster than that Jet of his." Scott continued as the Porsche came to a standstill. He was determined to have his two brothers admit the design of Excelsior was superior to his Father's jet.
"Only if Alan's driving!" John said without interest. "In his usual crazy way." he added shaking his head as Alan abruptly brought the car to a stop.
"Alan's driving? May I remind a certain blonde haired brother whose name isn't Alan that his driving was more than just a little crazy a week ago." Scott shot back. "How many passengers do you know need to wear high pressure suits for a simple flight in space may I ask?"
"Whose driving's crazy?" came a happy voice as Alan jumped out from inside the Porsche. "I hope you're not talking about me are you?"
Gordon could not contain himself at the sight of his favourite brother. He lunged forward and threw himself at Alan.
"Hey Kiddo. Boy am I glad to see you." he cried excitedly as they wrestled on the ground like children shrieking with laughter. Gordon pulled him into a massive bear-hug. "Congratulations big Daddy!"
The two youngest Tracy brothers embraced each other.
"Thanks Gordo." Alan replied. "Man you should see her. She's such a beautiful baby. "
"Well she must look like Tin-Tin then." Gordon joked. "If she's anything like you she'd have booked in for plastic surgery by now."
Alan threw Gordon a look of disapproval as he rose to his feet.
"Watch it!" he warned. "I'll have you know she looks nothing like me!"
"Thank God for that then." Gordon grinned pulling himself up.
"Yeah Alan congratulations. It's simply great news." John nodded moving forward and extending his hand.
"Johnny ..." Alan began apologetically as he shook John's hand and looked at the yellowed bruising which still surrounded his right eye.
"We'll talk about my eye ... later." John warned.
Alan swallowed.
"OK John."
"Way to go Alan. A girl huh? Trust you to find a way to break the rules." Virgil beamed hugging him close.
"Yeah Alan, Tracy men aren't supposed to know how to make girls. So how do you do it? I'm cutting loose a bit later on tonight and might need the information." Gordon joked throwing an affectionate arm around his brother's neck.
"You make girls the same way you make boys dumb-ass and before you think to ask how you do that; don't . You got the same talk from Dad I did." Alan flashed in a half hearted effort to sound annoyed.
Alan turned to look at his eldest brother and extended his hand.
"Scott ... thank you Sir."
Scott pulled his baby brother into a long and affectionate hug.
"I'm proud of you kid." he said sincerely. "I knew you wouldn't let me down."
"No Sir. I finally managed to hold myself together for a change." Alan admitted. "It was hard though."
He looked gratefully at his four brothers. All four of them had played a major role in Lucy's birth.
"Guys…" he began humbly. "Tin-Tin and me... oh and of course Lucy owe all of you in one way or another for getting us to San Diego in time. I just want to say thanks again."
The five brothers stood close together in silence, united for the first time in many months. The life of Lucy Josephine Tracy had been their most personal and important rescue and they were all proud of their efforts.
"Yeah right we all know how much you love us until you don't have things your own way again Alan." Gordon grinned. "Then you'll be back to the same whingeing pain in the ass you always were."
Alan went to argue but Gordon shoved him head first into the driver's seat of the Porsche.
"Don't try and give me one of your smart-ass comebacks." he laughed. "Just get in the car. I'm anxious to see Tin-Tin and the baby."
"I'm sorry of course you want to see them," Alan began brightly as his brothers climbed into the car. "Tin-Tin will be happy to see you too"
He held his smile for a few moments and but then allowed his face to fall. He rested both hands on the steering wheel and looked troubled. "Err guys ... there's just one thing I've got to tell you about Tin-Tin." he warned. "She's not herself yet."
His four brothers nodded. Their Father had briefed them fully about Tin-Tin's health. Alan continued in an apologetic tone.
"She's OK to look at and everything but she doesn't like what's happened and gets mad at herself really easily. She's having trouble with her speech too and that's really upsetting her."
"It'll get better though won't it?" Gordon asked in a more serious tone.
"Yes of course it will but she can't see that at the moment. She's crying a lot and it's worse because she can't hold the baby like she wants. So guys, the Doctor is worried you know and only wants her to have one visitor at a time. I hope that's OK."
"Err.. yeah sure Al." they said uncomfortably.
Alan then added. "I've been finding it's better to talk about things that don't need her to answer you. She doesn't feel so bad then."
Gordon brightened up.
"Well I'm going first. I'm the favourite Uncle and Lucy deserves to meet me before the rest of you. Besides do you know anyone better than Gordon Cooper Tracy to cheer Tin-Tin up."
"OK I'll go after you." John said. "She'll need some intelligent conversation after you carrying on Gordo."
"You? Intelligent?" Gordon scoffed. "Don't think so Johnny."
"Well I want to be third." Scott insisted. "I've got to shove off for New York."
"Guess that makes me last." Virgil shrugged. "Oh well after the shock of meeting you three she'll need someone's shoulder to cry on."
"Or barf on to be more realistic." Alan warned. "Trust me I've learned that already Virg."
He laughed as Virgil screwed up his nose in horror.
"She'd better not do that to me." he worried. "This is a brand new designer shirt."
"Better that than the other end Virg." Gordon teased. "You can have that all your own Alan."
"Thanks a lot" Alan laughed as he started the engine. "I've only had to do that once so far."
As the car moved off he took a deep breath and listened to his brothers laugh and joke together. Every now and then he would laugh in an attempt to be one of them but despite their closeness, Alan Tracy never felt more alone than he did right now .
It was going to be a long road to recovery for Tin-Tin and he had to raise Lucy alone in the meantime.
"I can do this." he told himself desperately trying to believe it.
"I have to."
Tin-Tin grimaced noticeably as the Sister in Charge and a ward nurse slowly raised her to a sitting position. She swallowed and tried to ignore the pain in her head, her right side and abdomen. She shook her head when the Sister enquired if she felt any discomfort.
"I have to let them do this to me, " she thought wretchedly as her head pounded. "I want to hold my baby."
The sister re-arranged the pillows.
"Are you sure you're all right Mrs. Tracy?" she enquired. "You've gone very pale."
"I..." she began and then frowned. Determination furrowed her brow. She would make the words come out no matter how long it took.
"I..I'm. Alr...right."
The sister informed her that she had visitors and Alan would be bringing them in one at a time.
"They're not to stay long and you are not to tire yourself out Mrs. Tracy." she warned. "It's most important. Doctor's orders."
Tin-Tin forced herself to endure the misery of being upright as she nodded at the sister.
"Lucy doesn't even know who I am yet." she thought as she closed her eyes for a brief moment trying to cope. "I have to stop feeling sorry for myself and try to get better. I want to hold her in my arms. I can do this ... I can ..."
A cheerful voice suddenly distracted her.
"Hey look at you then! I can't believe you're actually sitting up like that baby. That's wonderful hey?"
It was Alan beaming from ear to ear at the sight of her making progress. He had just wheeled Lucy into the room.
She looked at him through mournful eyes as he kissed her forehead and then her lips. His smile faded instantly.
"You're hurting bad aren't you Tin-Tin?" he asked quietly.
She shook her head.
Alan sat on the bed and took her hand.
"Come on Tin-Tin. I've known you too long not to be able to read you. I know they've promised you that you can hold Lucy on your own if you put yourself through this. Baby please don't do it to yourself. You're not ready yet. Let me get the sister for you huh?"
She shook her head.
"No." she said clearly and decisively.
Alan looked at her determined face and simply nodded.
"OK then. If that's what you want."
His face lit up with news.
"Hey guess what? All my brothers are outside waiting to see you. You want me to bring them in?"
She tried to smile but the muscles on the right side of her face refused to work properly.
"So I gather that's a yes then?" he grinned despite his eyes looking at her with extreme concern. She was clearly very uncomfortable.
She nodded and squeezed his hand.
Despite how miserable she was feeling, she really wanted to see them.
FROM THE EYES TO THE LIPS THAT CANNOT SPEAK
THE FAVOURITE UNCLE
I look at the two of you standing there side by side and I remember how close the three of us were as children. We could all say anything to each other back then. The two of you still can. At the moment I can only listen.
I watch you now and I see the worry and distress in your honey-brown eyes. Those eyes tell me you hate seeing me like this even though you are making jokes and trying to cheer me up. Gordon, you are such a good friend to me. Thank you for saying over and over that being like this has its perks. No night feeds you tell me. I know you know I can't hold my daughter to feed her and want to make me feel better about it. You also tell me there will be no walking the floor hour after hour. You say that because you know I can't walk at the moment and don't wish me to feel inadequate. I see you and Alan exchange anxious glances as I try not to cry at those thoughts but cannot stem the tide. You apologise for making me cry and hold my hand in yours.
I hear you say you'd better go as I look tired. I don't want you to go and neither does Alan. You say you are on shore leave and need to go anyway. Gordon you are always running away and making jokes as you do it.
Alan convinces you to stay.
You ask if you can hold my baby. I watch as you sweat with panic when Alan places her in your arms. Your honey-brown eyes light up as you look at her for the first time. You say she looks like me and you call her Lujo. You tell her you are her favourite Uncle. You say all sorts of dreadful things about your brothers and about Alan. Alan slaps you light heartedly and tells Lucy to ignore you. You become excited and say she has smiled at you. Alan tells you she won't smile for a few weeks yet and she has wind. Your face falls in disappointment but you still insist she smiled.
Gordon, of all Alan's brothers you are the one I am the closest to. I love you as Alan does. Please do not look at me as you do. Things look bad for me at the moment but I'll be all right. You'll see.
THE INTELLIGENT UNCLE
John, Alan must have really hit you hard up there in the satellite. That black eye is still dreadful. I'm sorry he reacted like he did when he heard about me. It's all my fault. I should have told Mr. Tracy earlier I wasn't feeling well. But I simply couldn't. He would have thought I was making up an excuse for not finishing the calculations.
I wish I could answer your question about how I'm feeling but I can't. I don't know how to express how I'm feeling other than to cry. You look at me as if you expect to see me try to answer and Alan looks at you and frowns as if you were not supposed to ask.
You know I have never noticed before how similar you and Alan are as you stand together. I haven't seen the two of you like this for a long time and it saddens me that he is not as close to you as he is to his other brothers because of it. The two of you share much in common with your blonde hair and blue eyes and the dreadfully lonely existence you experience for six months of the year.
You talk to me about things you think will take my mind off what has happened to me. It reminds me of when I speak to you in the satellite trying to take your mind off how lonely you are. It's not working for me any more than it worked for you.
No John. I cannot believe you are saying to Alan what you are. What you are offering to do for us is too much of a sacrifice. Thank you for saying so Alan. Please don't say you won't hear of it. I know it's for Lucy and for me. But John what about you? You tell me you will be discussing the proposal with Mr. Tracy on your return to the island. John please don't.
Now you ask to hold my baby. Alan places her in your arms and you cradle her uncomfortably. You have become far too used to being alone. John, you need human contact. It's obvious you are finding it difficult. However after a few minutes you relax, look at Lucy and say how much like me she is. You look at Alan and say how happy you are she has been named after your mother. You tell Lucy you are the intelligent one of the family and one day you will teach her about the stars and show her where her Grandma sparkles in the night sky. She seems to understand and snuggles into you like she has waited a long time to be close to you. Your face changes as she does so and you smile. You are so handsome when you smile.
You now look at me and tell me you must go. You kiss my cheek and reassure me everything will be all right.
Thank you John. I know it will.
THE UNCLE WHO HAS TO GET TO NEW YORK
Being the eldest has always been hard for you Scott and you have shouldered it so well. You refereed your brother's arguments, band-aided their hearts like you band-aided their knees and have been the person they have turned to as they grew up. Especially Alan. You have guided and cared for him since the day he was born and for as long as I have known you.
I see your dark blue eyes which are so like your Father's look with longing at my daughter in her crib and then cloud over as you turn away. She has reminded you of something. Something you hold deep in your heart, the pain of which you cannot bear. You now look at me with Fatherly concern and do not speak. You finally allow a smile to steal over your features as you tell me of your Grandmother's joy at becoming a Great-Grandmother and how my Father and your own are coping knowing they are now Grandfathers. The whole time the pain remains in your eyes.
You tell me how brave Alan was when he had to eject from Thunderbird Three and how proud of him you are. You say you will have to soon take a back seat in worrying about him. When Alan asks you why you point out that unlike yourself Alan is a now a Father. Is that your pain Scott? Do you wish for your own child or is it that there was already a child once? Does Lucy remind you of days gone past?
Alan asks you if you wish to hold Lucy. You shake your head and say you'd better be heading off to New York. You see my own eyes cloud with disappointment and change your mind. Scott, you read other people's eyes and see their pain so easily, yet you do not think I can see your own. I wish you would open up to someone. Anyone.
You reach in and pick Lucy up yourself and hold her with the confidence you exude with everything. You point out she has wind and add Alan always had wind as a baby. You bring it up for her and grimace as you get more than a hearty belch for your trouble. You smile as you wipe your shirt and say it isn't the first time a Tracy baby has done that to you. You look at Alan accusingly and remind him he is the baby you are referring to.
You put Lucy down and look at your watch and say you really must be going. You promise to stop by on your way back from New York to see me. You tell me you hope I'll be on my feet by then.
Scott, unlike most things, this is not something your encouragement, leadership and inner strength can change overnight.
It will take me longer than the two days you are in New York to get back on my feet.
THE UNCLE WHO HAD TO GO LAST
You say you have already written a song for Lucy and as soon as I return home you will sing it for me. You tell me gently not to take too long as you miss having me around. I'm really starting to feel a lot of pain in my head as you speak. You recognise it and point out being in hospital isn't much fun. I nod pathetically and agree with you.
Your brown eyes are full of love and concern for me and for a moment I feel as if Alan's mother, not you, looks at me. I suppose that's impossible, as like Alan, I never had the opportunity to know her.
You ask if you can take a photograph of Lucy so you can get started on her first portrait. You tell me you are going to title it "Tracy Daughter." Somehow the way you say those words gives it a warm and special feeling. I know the painting will be the same. I nod my head and you turn and take the shot. She is lying peacefully awake. She is such a good baby given what she was put through during her birth. You stand and look down at her and gaze into her eyes for a long time. You always gaze at your subjects, taking in everything.
You tell Alan that Lucy's hair is going to be curly. Alan smiles with surprise and says at least she has something of him in her. You point out Lucy's eyes are not the same as mine. Alan frowns at you and says of course they are. You shake your head and beg to differ. You say Lucy's eyes are the eyes of your mother which had a certain extra depth. You point out Lucy's long fingers and inform Alan your mother also had those fingers. You say you know better than anyone as she taught you to play the piano and many times her hands rested lovingly over yours. You look at me and say your hands will now rest lovingly over Lucy's. I smile and feel happy at that thought.
You ask if you may hold her and unlike Scott you wait nervously for Alan to give her to you. You hold her with love and the same longing I saw in Scott's eyes. You quickly cover your feelings up by saying how worried you are she will be sick on your new shirt. You turn to me and ask one more favour. You ask me if I can try to hold my baby so you can take another photograph of the two of us. You say if I try you will paint the picture of us together immediately. I shake my head and begin to cry. Alan was right earlier. I can't hold her Virgil despite forcing myself to lie here and put up with this pain to convince myself I can. You say it doesn't matter. You have studied me long enough to paint me from memory.
You say an awkward goodbye.
ALAN
Words cannot describe how I feel for you as you sit beside me with that worried look on your face trying to hide your concern behind a mask of jokes. Yes I did see Lucy throw up all over Scott and yes it was priceless but it wasn't that funny.
Alan you aren't fooling me. Like Gordon you are hiding how you feel behind your facade of "fun." You can see me seeing through you now can't you? You give me a smile tempered with sadness as our eyes meet. We know each other far too well. You have seen through me and I have seen though you.
Alan both of us are frightened. It's not only you who feels this way. My eyes plead with you to simply be yourself and tell me truthfully how you are coping learning to care for our baby. You hear me even though I don't speak.
You begin by telling me you gave Lucy a bath today under the guidance of the sister. You laugh and squeeze my hand and tell me Lucy didn't like it one little bit and cried through the whole thing. You joke again and point out she definitely isn't going to be a water baby like Gordon. You comment her weight is improving and she is taking the formula well. You brag how easy it is to make the formula. You watch as my eyes fill with tears. You sit on the bed and put your arms around me as I cry thinking I am being emotional again. I know Dr. Chan has said my emotions will see-saw after the birth. Alan that's not the reason I'm crying. I'm crying because I wanted to feed Lucy with my own body and I'll never get the chance. I can't tell you how inadequate and unhappy that makes me feel.
Your strong arms offer comfort as you kiss me and assure me for the hundredth time everything will be all right. You squeeze me tighter and finally admit you are frightened for the three of us and what the next few months will bring. However you assure me we will cope and you will shoulder the responsibility. You say the main thing is I am still by your side.
As you hold me I think back to when I awoke from the theatre to see you standing there beside me, exhausted and worried and seemingly with the weight of the world on your shoulders. You still looked so terribly afraid even when I recognised you. I remember your sobs echoing in that room when I squeezed your hand as you said my name. Above all I remember the tears of your Father and the fact he called me his daughter that night. Alan, his acceptance of me as your wife means so much to both of us and until that moment I never thought he really approved.
You are now telling me how much you love me and say it doesn't matter to you if I can't say anything else as long as I can say the words that mean the most to you. You tell me those words are "I love you Alan Tracy. "
Alan Shepherd Tracy I have always loved you from the bottom of my heart and I always will. But you are a man and at the moment I am only the shell of the woman you love. Look at what you see lying in front of you. I must relearn to walk and to speak and ignore the pain I feel. You, on the other hand are so alive, so athletic and so energetic.
And with your blonde hair and blue eyes, you are dangerously attractive to women.
Alan I am frightened you will now stop loving me and look once again in the direction of all those women you have known. It must be a temptation for you knowing it will be many months before you will again be able to take me in your arms and make love to me as your wife. You are a Tracy son. Like your brothers you merely have to say your name and you can have any woman you want. This awareness breaks my heart.
You must have a sixth sense. Almost on cue you look at me, smile lovingly and say with conviction "I will always love you and always be here for you."
Thank you Alan. I needed to hear you say that. I feel your strength leave me as the sister enters the room and you lay me back on the pillows and turn your attention to our baby. She is crying loudly and chewing her fist.
"So Miss Tracy it looks it's time for your feed yet again." Alan said in a business like voice as the sister handed him the bottle of warmed formula with a curt direction to measure any milk Lucy didn't keep down.
"How do I do that ma'am?" he asked with confusion.
The sister frowned at him. She knew he had to learn because he would caring for the baby but this young man asked far too many questions. She'd just about had enough of him today.
"Guess Mr. Tracy." she snapped in a good natured tone. "And let me know the amount for her chart if you will."
Alan turned back to Tin-Tin and gave her a worried look.
"How do you suppose I guess something like that?"
He picked up Lucy. "Oh well. Maybe you could do me a favour Luce and not throw up at all huh?"
He caught Tin-Tin's miserable expression in the corner of his eye as he made himself comfortable with the baby in his arms. He looked at her and smiled.
"Let's feed her together" he said softly giving her a gentle smile. "I can support you both."
Tin-Tin looked dubious and after a while shook her head.
"Come on honey. Trust me." he said in his most persuasive voice. He sat on the bed and carefully positioned himself so that he could hold Lucy but still rest her against Tin-Tin. The baby instinctively sensed her mother and turned her head restlessly in a desperate search for her breast.
"Sorry kiddo. That's off limits I'm afraid." Alan said, gingerly slipping the bottle into her mouth. "I never got to have that experience with my mother and you're not about to get it either. Hey, that's something else we're going to have in common."
The baby fussed with dissatisfaction before over-riding hunger forced her to feed from the bottle. Alan spoke to her gently as he had been encouraged to do since her birth.
"You just lie here next to Mommy and drink this while you learn to recognise what she smells like. She smells good huh? Much better than Daddy. That's a good girl. You're liking that bottle now aren't you? See it's not so bad." he smiled as he watched her tiny curled up fists move about with pleasure.
"Mr Tracy!" the sister said in her sternest voice as she re-entered the room. "That is no way to feed a baby!"
Alan acknowledged her as he bit his lip. "Yes ma'am... I mean no ma'am... I mean... I know that ma'am."
The Sister shook her head at him making her disapproval clearly known. For all his questions from why Lucy had to be fed so often to why babies got wind he hadn't learnt much it seemed.
"Well if you know what in the dickens are you doing feeding her like that then?"
"I was trying to help my wife bond with our baby ma'am." he replied nervously and then paused before adding in an authoritative voice. "I feel very strongly about Lucy getting to know who she is before any more days pass."
The Sister looked at Tin-Tin's face as she gazed lovingly at her baby. She had to admit it was a wonderful sight and she knew the young woman needed incentive to recover. But she was the sister-in-charge and what she was seeing was against hospital protocol and not permitted. She went to insist the baby was fed properly but before the words came out she saw Tin-Tin try to smile. The Sister thought better of it. She knew how it felt to be a mother and how important this was to these two young people and their baby.
She moved towards the back of the room.
"Well you'll need to support that baby's head with this pillow if that's what you intend to do Mr. Tracy. Newborn babies just out of the special care nursery need to be very carefully handled." she said officiously slipping it under his elbow. "She's far too tiny yet not to be fed properly no matter how good your reason is."
"I understand that ma'am." Alan replied.
"And another thing Mr.Tracy."
"Yes ma'am?"
"The baby still needs skin contact with Mrs. Tracy even if she's taking the bottle. Here allow me."
She came forward and loosened Tin-Tin's nightdress exposing her breast.
"Now rest her head here like this." she directed as the baby snuggled into it. "Watch you keep the bottle tilted this way. That's better."
She stood back and watched for a few moments and listened to Lucy's tiny sounds of satisfaction as she now fed almost naturally.
"Now when she's done with the bottle you can adjust your wife's clothing."
Alan nodded and looked at her gratefully.
"Thank you ma'am. I didn't know skin contact was important to Lucy."
"Well do me a big favour and don't ask twenty questions about it like you normally do."
Alan reddened. He guessed he had been a bit of pain today. Even he knew his most frequently used word at the moment was "why?"
When he failed to answer she laughed heartily before giving him a stern faced warning.
"I never condoned any of this do you understand?"
"Thank you ma'am. I know you didn't."
LUCY JOSEPHINE FROM THE EYES TO THE LIPS THAT CANNOT SPEAK
I feel your tiny body so close to me and I breathe your sweet newborn smell and find myself totally in love with you. Lucy Josephine you are such a beautiful baby but then there was never any doubt in my mind that you would be beautiful. It was your Daddy's Grandma who told me I would have beautiful babies a long time ago.
I remember when I became a woman for the first time and without my mother I didn't know what had happened to me. Grandma held me in her arms and told me to stop crying. What had happened was a necessary thing in the circle of life and I would understand why it was worth it when I held my babies in my arms.
I understand what she meant that day as I "hold" you now with the help of your Daddy. Grandma would like to see the three of us like this right now.
Even back then Grandma wanted my babies to come from your Daddy. I didn't realise it when I was a child but Grandma had plans for Daddy and me from the beginning.She said we were made for each other and all those years we did nothing about it must have frustrated her.
Daddy was my best friend back then. He knew what had happened to me. I asked him not to tell anyone and I don't think he ever did. He teased me about it when we were alone but he didn't tell anyone, not even his brother Gordon from whom he keeps nothing. You see I could always trust Daddy completely even though I didn't like him sometimes. I trust him now as he holds you and holds me. I trust him to care for you these next few months.
Lucy Josephine you are the result of the most special and intimate moment in my entire life. When Daddy stopped just wanting to be my friend and admitted he loved me, it was the first step in your circle of life. We took the second step without thinking properly but what Daddy and I did the night we made you will never be lost from my memory despite this affliction I face. It was a passionate and wonderful experience for me and it produced such a beautiful baby.
Lucy, I will never be able to tell you this other than now when you cannot hear my words but your Daddy and me, well we nearly made a terrible mistake. Daddy was upset about you being on the way and I was too frightened to tell him I wanted you. We nearly wiped you from our lives because we were young and scared and didn't know what else to do. But Daddy is a decent man. He couldn't do it to you and neither could I. He will be a good Daddy to you Lucy. I know he will.
I promise to be a good mother to you too. I know I haven't got off to a good start so far but I promise you I will get stronger and better and be able to care for you myself before much longer.
The main thing I want to assure you is that I will never leave you to grow up by yourself as I was left to do without my own mother. I promise I will be there to guide you and love you as you grow into a woman. I promise to answer you when you have questions I could never ask anyone. I will explain to you about the circle of life well before you experience it.
You are a Tracy daughter and will have much to learn and live up to in your life. Your Grandfathers come from two different completely different backgrounds but unite in one wonderful household. Your first Grandfather is a sweet and gentle man, the other is a brilliant engineer and businessman. Your Uncles are positively laden with talents. Your Great-Grandmother is strong willed and wonderful. Your Daddy ... well ... I shudder to think what Daddy is going to teach you sometimes but don't worry I'll keep an eye on him.
I know you will be raised with love around you and you will grow into a wonderful person. You will cook brilliantly, have good business sense, be exposed to the wonders of engineering, taught how to fly, instructed in the piano, gaze at the stars, swim like a Champion and knowing your Daddy as I do, learn drive a car way too fast for my liking and be taught very quickly how to get yourself out of trouble with that Tracy smile I know you will possess. Daddy's good at that so you will have a very capable teacher.
But above all Lucy Josephine, my first-born, you will bring a new and much needed happiness back into the life of Mr. Tracy.
He deserves some happiness after all these years of grief.
Teterboro Airport was a hive of activity Scott Tracy observed as he waited impatiently for his chauffeured driven car to arrive. His eyes moved in the direction of Excelsior and he smiled with a silent satisfaction as he looked at its true magnificence. Its gold brilliance shimmered in the afternoon sun.
"Now that's one hell of a jet." he congratulated himself. "Scott Tracy you have simply outdone yourself this time."
He looked condescendingly at the other jets on the tarmac.
"All of them are so five minutes ago." he sniffed as he individually modified each one in his head. "Every last one of them."
His attention shifted as he looked at his watch.
"She made good time too." he acknowledged. "Now a few hours at Tracy Enterprises, a meal and depending how I feel, maybe I'll head home again. Pity there's not time for a bit of socialising. It's sure been a while for me."
Scott shifted his weight and looked around trying to appear inconspicuous. It was proving difficult. He was fully aware people were looking at him, pointing out the fact that there stood the eldest son of Jefferson Tracy, the heir to the Tracy Empire, worth billions and probably one of the most eligible bachelors in the world.
"Not by choice." he thought bitterly. "Holding that baby in San Diego totally drove that point home. Now more than ever I want a wife of my own and I swear despite what Dad says about security issues I'm going to find myself one."
"…no matter what it takes." he found himself mumbling.
His thoughts returned to his time with Adelaide Washington and he swallowed remembering he had to face her in only a few short hours and finish things between them for good. He hadn't been able to bring himself to end the relationship as his father requested nearly seven months ago. Many times he had picked up the telephone to call only to think better of it at the last minute. In the end he had taken the coward's way out and simply not returned to Tracy Enterprises to see her. It was much less heart breaking for everyone to use Alan's presence in New York as an excuse.
"But you couldn't run away from this forever could you?" he asked himself. "You knew you'd have to eventually go back for one reason or another. You're going to end it today and then look around for something permanent. Something that will give you what Alan's got. Love in a proper marriage bed and a child of your own."
"Excuse me. Aren't you Scott Tracy?" asked a young and very good-looking woman. His eyes scanned her. Nice body. Around Tin-Tin's age. Provocatively dressed. An easy target.
"Yes I am." he replied.
"You here on business?" she asked.
"Yes I am."
"For long?"
"Miss I'm only here for a few hours."
"Pity. I would have liked to get to know you and that fantastic jet over there better."
Scott smacked his lips together as he surveyed her. This was how easy it was for him to pick up women.
He quietly contemplated what time he needed to be in the Office. She was worth a half an hour of his time. Scott Tracy knew full well he merely had to give her his winning Tracy smile and discreetly suggest she might like to "look Excelsior over".
He shook his head in turmoil. No, he was sick of this lifestyle. Sick of one-night stands and the empty feeling they left inside him. Despite the fact it had been a while since he'd been with a woman and it would give him welcome relief, he simply didn't want things to be like this anymore.
"Yes." he said in a strained voice, trying to be as polite as he could. "It would have been nice. Maybe some other time. Please excuse me will you?."
With that he picked up his briefcase and overnight bag and began to walk to the other side of the terminal.
"How stupid are you anyway Tracy?" he muttered with discontent as he questioned himself for turning down the obvious and much needed offer. His brothers had all said how tense he was at the moment and with Alan unable to cover for him, New York was going to be his last opportunity for a while. Their Father had told them apologetically that after this there could be no more shore leave for any of them until Alan returned to active duty. He suggested they make the most of the time off he had given them to attend to their "off-base matters", his delicate way of describing their love lives.
"Stop that sort of thinking right now." he thought feeling somewhat ashamed of himself. You're a decent man wanting a decent, loving relationship. Your Father had it. Your brother's now got it. Why the hell should you have to be deprived of it?"
His mind flashed from visions of his parents expressing their love when he was a small boy to more recent painful images of Alan's unabashed displays of affection towards Tin-Tin. He saw again the sweet little face of Lucy Josephine and felt his heart twinge when he thought of his own child … destroyed over three years before. That thought hardened his resolve to finish things once and for all with Adelaide.
His dark blue eyes continued to scan his surroundings as he mentally rehearsed what he was going to say to Adelaide when he faced her.
And then…
He saw her.
All thoughts left his head and he heard his breath catch sharply as he found himself looking in the direction of a woman who strode confidently through the terminal on her way to the tarmac.
He had never seen a woman quite like the one in front of him, so tall, catlike and absolutely breathtaking.
"Must be a model flying out on location somewhere." he told himself as ran his eyes over her sleek, sensual attire and vividly imagined what lay underneath. "Now if that one asks me if I'm Scott Tracy she's gonna get one hell of a big yes and the keys to a hotel room."
His conscience reminded him he had just made a decision he no longer wished his current lifestyle to continue. His over-riding manhood told him otherwise.
"What I wouldn't give for half an hour with you lady." he contemplated silently as she passed within three feet of him.
She briefly and almost contemptuously glanced at him and continued on her way.
Scott pursed his lips as he moved towards the door of the terminal. God that woman was magnificent whoever she was. Such a long neck … he could almost feel his lips moving on her perfumed throat …
"No I'm not doing that anymore. Keep walking Tracy. Don't look back."
He walked out of the airport doors with his mind in complete disarray.
What a superb exotic complexion… he pictured himself slowly moving the palm of his hand over it as she closed her eyes in ecstasy at his touch.
"No I'm no doing that anymore. For God's sake where's that damn car?"
He moved to the kerb and stood staring blankly as his stomach knotted further.
Those sultry eyes… he could see himself looking into them as he took the liberty of inviting her to stay the night with him.
"No I want something that's for life, not some damned romp with a supermodel for five minutes. Be strong Tracy. You know your path."
He breathed a sigh of relief as he saw the dark blue car preparing to stop in front of him. Despite his iron control he felt himself weakening as he continued to think about her.
That fantastic body …he could feel it's sensual curves underneath him as she experienced more than simply his charm and intelligence.
"It's been three months since I've been with a woman. By the time I find myself someone who's going to love me the same way Mom loved Dad it could be years. I'm not getting any younger the way I figure it. A man has needs if he's forced to be holed up on an island day after day."
A young man was speaking to him, a welcome distraction from his inner confusion.
"Mr Tracy. I'm sorry for the delay in the arrival of your car. Things have been a bit hectic today."
Scott gave him an appreciative nod.
"No trouble but I wonder if you could you do me a favour please?"
The young man was attentive. He knew he was speaking to the eldest son of Jeff Tracy, someone it paid to do a favour for.
"Yes Sir Mr. Tracy. Anything."
Scott looked back towards the tarmac where he knew she had gone and then towards the young man.
"Please put my bags in the car and wait over there for me will you. I'm afraid I've left something in my aircraft."
NEXT CHAPTER - A NEW COMMITMENT - PART TWO
