Chapter 12 - Not as Free as You Thought
Jen Hailey woke up either from the effect of feeling pins and needles in her left arm squashed underneath her, or because she was unknowingly attuned to the sound of Jack's voice drifting through from the control room. She took in the fact that Jeff Grogan, lying next to her and snoring gently, was in a drug-supported dreamland and would stay that way for some time. Looking across to the other couch, there was no mistaking Jacob Carter's matching snores, almost staying in synch with Grogan's. Nevertheless she rose as stealthily as possible and couldn't resist the temptation of crossing to the separating bulkhead wall for a good old- fashioned bit of eavesdropping.
Their past few months' closeness on Andar meant that Hailey had come as near as anyone could in recent years to understanding the hieroglyphics that gave directions to the inner Jack O'Neill. She had seen how much he was driven by the will to succeed in anything that he defined as 'right', whether a given mission objective or an assessment that someone or something deserved and would get his unwavering support. Or indeed the corollary: his unending opposition to 'wrong' people and events. But she had seen too that he rarely expected anything in return. He didn't do personal things in exchange for favours owed. Trade with strangers - well, that was a different matter. A deal was a deal: he bargained hard and made sure in the most subtle of ways that the other party knew the consequences of defaulting.
Jen realised also that not expecting responses was not the same as not wanting them at some deep level. That was the part that this master tactician held back in the depths of his soul, buried out of sight for most of the time. But at rare moments he had a look about him, or a whispered phrase that he thought no-one would catch, that demonstrated an unutterable loneliness and sense of futility concerning his future. She knew the story of his lost son, and had worked out for herself that he would never again give his heart and soul so openly to anyone, for fear of the consequences of losing what you live for. Not unless someone arrived in his life who would cause him to unknowingly cross that threshold of resistance.
Someone, for example, like the woman who was now arguing with him in the control room. She suspected that Major Carter had come very near to it before she had suddenly broken away and started sporting her new boyfriend and lifestyle at the SGC social events a year ago. Jack's expressions and opinions had been unreadable at the time, of course, but she had seen how Teal'c and Daniel reacted. They had become somehow protective of him when others criticised, and had visibly distanced themselves from her and particularly her new lover. Carter had simply not noticed, a natural consequence of infatuation.
Jen listened intently to the flow of words, the highs and lows.
"Because my life is going nowhere. I won't let anyone else face the degradation of taking another life in cold blood, not if I can help it. In the heat of battle - well, that's different - sometimes. But I've lived a lifetime of violence and I figured one more wouldn't make that much difference, seeing as the deal was *worth any price*. I was wrong. I don't think I can do it any more."
"You could have a life.. With me."
"Why? Because you feel sorry for me? Don't. You chose a life with someone else, Sam. Go live it."
"That's not what I want, Jack. I didn't think it was possible to miss anyone as much as..."
"Oh please! Missing someone away on a mission isn't grounds for having a miserable life together as a consequence. You've got someone who makes you happy - or so you kept telling us. Dinners out together, dancing, the whole shebang. 'Made you feel alive.' you said. So go do it, Sam. I won't be the cause of taking that away from you."
"I broke up with him to come after you, damn you!"
"And I said I'm grateful, and I meant it too. But Sam, he's crazy about you. You kept telling us that too. Go to him - he'll understand."
"What the hell is it with you, Jack? Are you expecting me to beg, or something? Break down in tears? Or is it that you've got to act the role of *the strong, silent type* or some other macho bullshit?"
'Bad move, Carter!' thought Jen.
"Well, you're giving out enough of that for both of us!"
'You're not helping either, Jack.' Jen almost said out loud, looking round to check that Jacob Carter in particular was not stirring. There was a short silence before Jack's voice was heard again.
"Look, Sam. I'm sorry. I appreciate that you think you still feel this way..."
"How do you know what I feel? You don't listen."
"Maybe not as well as I should..."
Jen nearly snorted along with Carter.
"But I've had a lot of time to work things out this trip. And now I know how wrong I was as your CO to let you realise that I still had feelings for you, especially after you said that we should keep it in that room. It was inappropriate, and just plain wrong. Did I say wrong?"
"Only as wrong as my having feelings for you too."
"But not enough to stop you finding love with someone else, Sam. You did the right thing, and yes, it hurt like crazy. It still does. But you moved on. Good for you."
"But I want you, don't you understand, Jack? I always did."
"For how long, Sam? Look at me! I mean really look. Jacob doesn't have a healing device with him and, even if he did, it's not going to fix my leg after six months like this!"
"You think that matters to me?"
"It will when I can't dance with you. Not the way..."
"Do you really think I'm that shallow, Jack? Do you?"
"No, of course not. But I know how irritated you get with me, and how happy you were with him. I know that you've got everything to aim at in your life, with a great chance of getting there. I won't hold you back, not in your career, and not in your personal life. I was a fool to even think that I could for a while."
"What?"
"What *what*?"
"So you admit that you do want me."
"That's beside the point. It won't do you any good, and *that* matters to me. God, Sam, do you think that I want it to happen like this? Seven years of idle thoughts and foolish dreams going down the drain?"
"Seven years...?!"
"Yeah... Seven whole years. My problem, not yours."
XXXXXXXXXXXX
Hailey suddenly realised that their conversation had ground to a halt, and heard the sound of a footstep. She couldn't be caught right behind the wall like this! Anywhere else in the room and she might just get away with it. She moved swiftly to the door on the far side that led to the cargo bay but froze when she realised that Sam had entered the room and had seen her instantly.
Sam cocked an eyebrow at Jen. "You heard." she said softly.
Jen shrugged her shoulders. Why deny it? "Yup. Pretty much everything."
Sam crossed over to her, checking that the two male occupants of the couches were still asleep. "Captain, not a word of this..."
The look of disgust on Jen's face brought a premature end to Sam's admonition. She grabbed the Major's arm and opened the cargo bay door, walking through quickly and pushing the button to close it behind her. The lights flickered on automatically.
"Permission to speak freely, Ma'am." said Jen, looking up into Sam's eyes. "This is between you and me." Sam nodded, taken aback by Hailey's ability to dominate from below.
Jen waited a moment until she saw that Carter's breathing had steadied after her emotional encounter. She chose her next words carefully.
"You know what I'm saying is the truth. We've run, hid, worked, fed and survived together for six months, give or take. I've fallen asleep in Jack's arms after I was so scared when some weird guys - low-life you can meet anywhere - went for me. He knifed one in the gut and damn near kicked another to death. He's dressed wounds, kept us going, frightened or cajoled us to do things when we were ready to give up, taught us to survive and keep on going. He's made a man of Jeff. Never once called him out when he screwed up the odd job. He made Jeff see for himself. He'd die for us, and we would for him."
She paused a while as Sam waited expectantly, a lump forming in her throat.
"One night when we'd got the house in Jobe - that's the port city - I took a bath. It was the first time I'd used the soap and shampoo I took from your bag. You know, the stuff everyone had to abandon when you left on the boat. God, it was wonderful to be clean again! When I came out of the bathroom, Jack was asleep in the chair by the table. I stood next to him to place a mirror on the tabletop to comb my hair, trying not to wake him. He said 'Carter' quite clearly in his sleep. Moments later he woke up, and I nearly cried at the look on his face when he saw it wasn't you."
The tingling sensation came once more to Sam's hands as she listened. Jen continued.
"We were pretending to be a family to avoid detection and it worked. I never felt awkward about calling him 'Dad' and I never will. I wish I was twenty years older so that I could do what you're not doing."
"What... What do you mean?" whispered Sam.
"Tell him that I love him and show him that I mean it. All I've heard - all he's heard up until now is what you want. But if you do tell him, and he falls, don't you ever let him down again. I'll take it kinda personally.. Ma'am."
Jen turned on her heel, opened the door and strode back into the sleeping quarters, a grin on her face so wide that she nearly laughed out loud. She wasn't nearly careful enough in climbing over Jeff to get back into bed, but his snores continued anyway. "Shut up, you drunken pig." she crooned in his ear, and hugged him as she settled down.
XXXXXXXXXXXX
Sam walked slowly back into the control room to find Jack staring out of the front screen at nothing in particular. She placed a hand on his arm and he turned to face her, his dark eyes glinting in the reflected light. Almost as if...
"Jack," she said, "it's your turn to listen."
XXXXXXXXXXXX
Jen Hailey woke up either from the effect of feeling pins and needles in her left arm squashed underneath her, or because she was unknowingly attuned to the sound of Jack's voice drifting through from the control room. She took in the fact that Jeff Grogan, lying next to her and snoring gently, was in a drug-supported dreamland and would stay that way for some time. Looking across to the other couch, there was no mistaking Jacob Carter's matching snores, almost staying in synch with Grogan's. Nevertheless she rose as stealthily as possible and couldn't resist the temptation of crossing to the separating bulkhead wall for a good old- fashioned bit of eavesdropping.
Their past few months' closeness on Andar meant that Hailey had come as near as anyone could in recent years to understanding the hieroglyphics that gave directions to the inner Jack O'Neill. She had seen how much he was driven by the will to succeed in anything that he defined as 'right', whether a given mission objective or an assessment that someone or something deserved and would get his unwavering support. Or indeed the corollary: his unending opposition to 'wrong' people and events. But she had seen too that he rarely expected anything in return. He didn't do personal things in exchange for favours owed. Trade with strangers - well, that was a different matter. A deal was a deal: he bargained hard and made sure in the most subtle of ways that the other party knew the consequences of defaulting.
Jen realised also that not expecting responses was not the same as not wanting them at some deep level. That was the part that this master tactician held back in the depths of his soul, buried out of sight for most of the time. But at rare moments he had a look about him, or a whispered phrase that he thought no-one would catch, that demonstrated an unutterable loneliness and sense of futility concerning his future. She knew the story of his lost son, and had worked out for herself that he would never again give his heart and soul so openly to anyone, for fear of the consequences of losing what you live for. Not unless someone arrived in his life who would cause him to unknowingly cross that threshold of resistance.
Someone, for example, like the woman who was now arguing with him in the control room. She suspected that Major Carter had come very near to it before she had suddenly broken away and started sporting her new boyfriend and lifestyle at the SGC social events a year ago. Jack's expressions and opinions had been unreadable at the time, of course, but she had seen how Teal'c and Daniel reacted. They had become somehow protective of him when others criticised, and had visibly distanced themselves from her and particularly her new lover. Carter had simply not noticed, a natural consequence of infatuation.
Jen listened intently to the flow of words, the highs and lows.
"Because my life is going nowhere. I won't let anyone else face the degradation of taking another life in cold blood, not if I can help it. In the heat of battle - well, that's different - sometimes. But I've lived a lifetime of violence and I figured one more wouldn't make that much difference, seeing as the deal was *worth any price*. I was wrong. I don't think I can do it any more."
"You could have a life.. With me."
"Why? Because you feel sorry for me? Don't. You chose a life with someone else, Sam. Go live it."
"That's not what I want, Jack. I didn't think it was possible to miss anyone as much as..."
"Oh please! Missing someone away on a mission isn't grounds for having a miserable life together as a consequence. You've got someone who makes you happy - or so you kept telling us. Dinners out together, dancing, the whole shebang. 'Made you feel alive.' you said. So go do it, Sam. I won't be the cause of taking that away from you."
"I broke up with him to come after you, damn you!"
"And I said I'm grateful, and I meant it too. But Sam, he's crazy about you. You kept telling us that too. Go to him - he'll understand."
"What the hell is it with you, Jack? Are you expecting me to beg, or something? Break down in tears? Or is it that you've got to act the role of *the strong, silent type* or some other macho bullshit?"
'Bad move, Carter!' thought Jen.
"Well, you're giving out enough of that for both of us!"
'You're not helping either, Jack.' Jen almost said out loud, looking round to check that Jacob Carter in particular was not stirring. There was a short silence before Jack's voice was heard again.
"Look, Sam. I'm sorry. I appreciate that you think you still feel this way..."
"How do you know what I feel? You don't listen."
"Maybe not as well as I should..."
Jen nearly snorted along with Carter.
"But I've had a lot of time to work things out this trip. And now I know how wrong I was as your CO to let you realise that I still had feelings for you, especially after you said that we should keep it in that room. It was inappropriate, and just plain wrong. Did I say wrong?"
"Only as wrong as my having feelings for you too."
"But not enough to stop you finding love with someone else, Sam. You did the right thing, and yes, it hurt like crazy. It still does. But you moved on. Good for you."
"But I want you, don't you understand, Jack? I always did."
"For how long, Sam? Look at me! I mean really look. Jacob doesn't have a healing device with him and, even if he did, it's not going to fix my leg after six months like this!"
"You think that matters to me?"
"It will when I can't dance with you. Not the way..."
"Do you really think I'm that shallow, Jack? Do you?"
"No, of course not. But I know how irritated you get with me, and how happy you were with him. I know that you've got everything to aim at in your life, with a great chance of getting there. I won't hold you back, not in your career, and not in your personal life. I was a fool to even think that I could for a while."
"What?"
"What *what*?"
"So you admit that you do want me."
"That's beside the point. It won't do you any good, and *that* matters to me. God, Sam, do you think that I want it to happen like this? Seven years of idle thoughts and foolish dreams going down the drain?"
"Seven years...?!"
"Yeah... Seven whole years. My problem, not yours."
XXXXXXXXXXXX
Hailey suddenly realised that their conversation had ground to a halt, and heard the sound of a footstep. She couldn't be caught right behind the wall like this! Anywhere else in the room and she might just get away with it. She moved swiftly to the door on the far side that led to the cargo bay but froze when she realised that Sam had entered the room and had seen her instantly.
Sam cocked an eyebrow at Jen. "You heard." she said softly.
Jen shrugged her shoulders. Why deny it? "Yup. Pretty much everything."
Sam crossed over to her, checking that the two male occupants of the couches were still asleep. "Captain, not a word of this..."
The look of disgust on Jen's face brought a premature end to Sam's admonition. She grabbed the Major's arm and opened the cargo bay door, walking through quickly and pushing the button to close it behind her. The lights flickered on automatically.
"Permission to speak freely, Ma'am." said Jen, looking up into Sam's eyes. "This is between you and me." Sam nodded, taken aback by Hailey's ability to dominate from below.
Jen waited a moment until she saw that Carter's breathing had steadied after her emotional encounter. She chose her next words carefully.
"You know what I'm saying is the truth. We've run, hid, worked, fed and survived together for six months, give or take. I've fallen asleep in Jack's arms after I was so scared when some weird guys - low-life you can meet anywhere - went for me. He knifed one in the gut and damn near kicked another to death. He's dressed wounds, kept us going, frightened or cajoled us to do things when we were ready to give up, taught us to survive and keep on going. He's made a man of Jeff. Never once called him out when he screwed up the odd job. He made Jeff see for himself. He'd die for us, and we would for him."
She paused a while as Sam waited expectantly, a lump forming in her throat.
"One night when we'd got the house in Jobe - that's the port city - I took a bath. It was the first time I'd used the soap and shampoo I took from your bag. You know, the stuff everyone had to abandon when you left on the boat. God, it was wonderful to be clean again! When I came out of the bathroom, Jack was asleep in the chair by the table. I stood next to him to place a mirror on the tabletop to comb my hair, trying not to wake him. He said 'Carter' quite clearly in his sleep. Moments later he woke up, and I nearly cried at the look on his face when he saw it wasn't you."
The tingling sensation came once more to Sam's hands as she listened. Jen continued.
"We were pretending to be a family to avoid detection and it worked. I never felt awkward about calling him 'Dad' and I never will. I wish I was twenty years older so that I could do what you're not doing."
"What... What do you mean?" whispered Sam.
"Tell him that I love him and show him that I mean it. All I've heard - all he's heard up until now is what you want. But if you do tell him, and he falls, don't you ever let him down again. I'll take it kinda personally.. Ma'am."
Jen turned on her heel, opened the door and strode back into the sleeping quarters, a grin on her face so wide that she nearly laughed out loud. She wasn't nearly careful enough in climbing over Jeff to get back into bed, but his snores continued anyway. "Shut up, you drunken pig." she crooned in his ear, and hugged him as she settled down.
XXXXXXXXXXXX
Sam walked slowly back into the control room to find Jack staring out of the front screen at nothing in particular. She placed a hand on his arm and he turned to face her, his dark eyes glinting in the reflected light. Almost as if...
"Jack," she said, "it's your turn to listen."
XXXXXXXXXXXX
