Chapter 19 – Depths

Jen had been staring at the monitor screen in the corner of the bridge of the Prometheus for what seemed like hours, a sick feeling in the pit of her stomach, unable to tear herself away from the sights of what she had caused. Her thoughts ranged between wondering how many had died, and how they had ever thought that what they were trying to achieve could be worth this much destruction. It was Jack who eventually pulled her away none too gently, and walked her back to a quiet corner where they couldn't be overheard easily by the rest of the crew at the main consoles. Sam looked on as he sat beside Hailey with his arm round the younger officer, who was concentrating on not breaking down in tears. Two weeks ago, she would have been jealous of the bond that had developed between the role-playing 'father and daughter', but now it filled her with immense pride in her husband's abundant caring presence.

Sam sat down where Jen had been scrutinising the scene before her on the monitor and ran through the recordings for herself. The island that had held the Andan Stargate simply was not there any more. It might never have existed according to the map that the Prometheus' computers drew of the planet from close orbit. Except of course, the radar map – which paid no heed to coverings of water – that revealed a large oval crater on the sea bed, wiped clean of all forms of plant life. Their magnetic anomaly detector could even plot the location of the Stargate, now some three miles distant to seaward from its original location but at a depth of at least four hundred fathoms in a sub-sea trench. The giant hand of Hailey's 'supercharged wormhole' had propelled its thirty eight tonnes back in a huge arc through the sky. The reaction to the explosion of nuclear proportions had not merely destroyed the DHD as they had hoped, but had vaporised the whole island.

On the coast nearby, the resultant mini-tsunami had driven ashore leaving its signature trail of wreckage, still unrepaired days after the event. Stumps of piers and jetties, fallen trees, smashed dwellings – all transformed in a terrible instant. Further on, the docks in the port city of Jobe, their 'home' for so long, were wrecked. Ships both large and small lay at crazy angles in the water, some of the smaller ones even lifted and strewn across the cargo handling areas and storehouses.

Sam couldn't help but strain to listen to the scene being played out behind her as she took in the data on the screen. "It doesn't get any easier, Jen." said Jack softly. "And I won't lie to you that there's things you can do or say to make the emptiness go away." He squeezed her gently. "Look at me." He had to say it a second time before she complied.

"It's different from the heat of battle, isn't it?" he continued, and she nodded once in agreement. "That's when you're high on adrenaline, kill or be killed, right?"

"Yes" she whispered dumbly.

"But this is a calculated act, and the uncertainty of what you can't predict can have tragic consequences." said Jack slowly. "It's natural to blame yourself, to believe that you could have taken more care, or done things differently."

"But that's what I should have......" Jen exclaimed before he cut her short.

"I know you, Jen. You took all the care you could, with Carter's help." He glanced up and knew that Sam was listening, and that he was saying this for her benefit too. "We can't pretend that we were acting out of altruism or that we realised at the time that we had to prevent the Andans from doing the same to us. We did it to improve our chances of staying free."

"I know that." Jen replied in a small voice. "It doesn't help."

"Well that's just the first step." said Jack. "In the long run there's no comfort in hiding behind any fortunate outcomes. Be true to yourself in accepting the reasons why we did it. You may hate yourself for a while, but it passes in time if you can answer one question honestly."

Jen looked up at him. "Would I do the same again?"

Jack squeezed her, proud of her vision and maturity. "S'right. And if you know that you really would, it'll make you that much more ready for the next time." He looked at her until she turned her gaze to his eyes. "There will be a next time, Jen, probably more than once. You never lose the feeling of guilt or the desire to do it better, or wish that it wasn't necessary. If you do, then you're losing your soul. It takes real courage to believe in yourself."

Jen closed her eyes and couldn't help tears streaming down her cheeks. Her shoulders jerked up and down a couple of times as she sobbed, but then she subsided a little and leaned her head against Jack's chest. At the monitor screen, Sam was not seeing the images in front of her. She was lost in his depth of understanding because she herself had gone through the same experiences, and remembered how it was usually him who had comforted her afterwards.

After a few more deep breaths, Jen pulled away a little and said, "How did you get over it, Jack? You never give in to this kind of thing."

"Don't I?" he murmured and stayed silent for a while. "It just gets easier to hide, is all."

"Wish I was you." Jen said softly, and Sam gasped at the depth of raw emotion that her junior had put into those words.

"No you don't. Not really." said Jack. "Because there's a whole lot worse than what we've just done, believe me."

"Worse?" asked Jen.

Jack stared into nothingness for a good while. Sam thought that the conversation was drawing to a close, and was surprised when she heard his voice again. She knew that Jack had never revealed himself this much to anyone before, not even herself in their most intimate moments over the years. And so she recognised just how much Jennifer Hailey meant to him, not as a rival for her affections, but as someone he felt should be let into his inner circle, to protect and respect.

"Taking someone's life in cold blood, when they offer no resistance and are not an immediate threat, is the most degrading experience of all." His voice was almost breaking as he said it. "The military rewards you for being good at it. Praises you in secret, gives you a medal for some other made-up act of selflessness and sends you out to do it again. If you're lucky, you get through your career without breaking down or losing it. But they don't teach you how to live with the nightly visits from the faces you've exterminated."

No-one dared interrupt the silence that followed, and still he had more to say. "Then you keep doing it because you don't want someone else to have to take your place. It's your 'duty' as someone who's damned to prevent others from being like yourself. You believe in a God and hope that he accepts death-bed repentance, but you hope he doesn't exist and that death is really an end to it all. You don't want to die; you want to live, to be loved and to do right by those you care for. But death will be merciful if it really brings peace. But worst of all, you're on your own with your memories. Forever, because no-one deserves to be dragged into your private hell."

Sam and Jen sat in silence, stunned by his words. Without ceremony, he let go of Jen and quickly walked off the bridge without looking back. The two women stared at each other, their own situations forgotten for the moment. Sam felt the need to run after him, to console him, to tell him how much more she had come to love and respect him in the last few moments, but just didn't dare.

The distraction of another crew member asking for her opinion on the functioning of some obscure piece of the ship's machinery was not exactly welcome, but at least prevented her from making the mistake of approaching him when he wasn't ready for it, and for that she was in due course grateful.

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Jack didn't reappear for the 'evening' meal and it was with no small trepidation that Sam re-entered their sleeping quarters afterwards. Although they had been married for five whole Earth days, they had not made love since their first night together, some twenty-four hours before their hurried ceremony. For a start, their single bunk beds, one over the other, were rather small to be comfortable enough for anything frenetic. Secondly, it didn't seem the right thing to do on a crowded ship when the slightest sounds travelled through metal bulkhead walls. Not until they were safely camped on Andar and not putting anyone in danger by inattention to their surroundings.

In the dim light she found Jack lying in just his shorts on top of the blankets on the lower bunk, his arm over his eyes. He wasn't asleep and clearly hadn't been since he'd left the bridge earlier. She rapidly shed her outer clothes and sat down on the edge of his bed, reaching to take his hand in hers.

"Don't Sam. Please." he said quietly. "I'm so sorry that you've thrown your life away on me."

She was ready for this, much to his surprise. "Quit fooling, Jack." she retorted quite sharply. "You're never going to be quite so on your own again. Never."

"No, you don't understand." said Jack, but he got no further as she placed her free hand firmly across his mouth. He looked up at her in surprise.

"What makes you think that you're the only lucky one in this marriage, Jack? Because you got someone younger who makes you look good in company?" His startled expression spurred her on. "No, I didn't think so. Your love amazes me, and I can't believe what's happening to my life. I don't believe I'll ever be able to live up to what you deserve. Not for what happened today or last week, but for everything...... *everything* that you've done for me and the others since I've known you. So why don't you take a leaf out of your own book and believe in yourself too?"

He made to speak but she silenced him again.

"When and if you feel like talking about what goes on in your head, I'll be listening. No platitudes, I promise you, and no easy answers. Just my attempt at understanding and being there for you. But you've got to promise to keep me up at low points too - I get them as well."

He smiled weakly and reached up to brush a few strands of hair behind her ear. "C'mere." He gently pulled her towards him and held her gently as she lay on top of him. They struggled around and ended up lying face-to-face on their sides, and couldn't stop smiling at each other.

"Sound doesn't travel in a vacuum." she said coyly.

"Won't hear us on the planet, then." he replied.

"Won't hear us on board either." she came back.

"No? Venting the airlock, are we?

"Not exactly. Any moment now, Hailey will be ramping up her CD player through the ship's comms system."

"You asked her to?"

"Clever girl thought of it herself."

"Romantic music?"

"Status Quo."

"Good for getting into a rhythm, anyway."

"Knock yourself out."

"Be gentle with me, then."

Her peal of girlish laughter was quite definitely heard all along that deck before the first vibrant bass notes set the pace of the next half hour.

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