* Present Time *
I lived in San Francisco for nearly 5 years, that was my home. Amanda grew up there. I can´t believe the hospital is transferring me back to Chicago. Of all cities in the US, I had to end up in Chicago. I wonder if he still works there. I have spent the last 5 years trying to forget him, trying to move on. But when you have loved someone as much as I loved him, it is impossible to let him go.
"Mommy, where are we going?" asked Amanda, my five year old girl, as we were boarding the plane. She had her dad´s eyes. Everytime I looked at her, I could see him staring back at me.
"Mommy´s got a new job, so we have to move to another place" I said smiling, trying to hide my uncertainty and doubts "You´ll love it there!"
"I will? Why? I like it here. Do we have to move?" she asked me holding her favorite doll tight against her chest.
"Yes, angel, we have to" I said combing her hair with my fingers "Hey, remember how you have always wanted to play in the snow? Now you will be able to do so. We´ll get lots of snow there, and we´ll have a very nice house ..."
"And a puppy?" she asks bearing the sweetest smile I had ever seen.
I chuckled. I don´t think pets are allowed in our building, but how can I say no to that angelic face? "Yes, sweetie, and a puppy"
Why am I lying to her? We can´t get a dog. I can´t afford it and we will be living in a tiny place. Why did I have to tell her we´d be living in a nice house with puppies? I am doing exactly what I swore I would never do, I am promising things I can´t get her. I used to ask myself what was better a broken promise or a broken heart. I realize that when you break a promise, you are also breaking a heart.
I stared deep into space while I was lost in my own thoughts. Then, that moment six years ago came back to me.
"I´m not going anywhere" he had said. He promised he would never leave me, that he would stay by me whenever I need him. But he broke his promise and with that, he shattered my heart into pieces. He lied to me, just as I have lied to my daughter.
Mandy smiled and went back to hugging her doll "Mommy, are we almost there?"
I nodded and looked out from the window. All that greatness out there. That perfection.
I wonder if there is anything beyond the sky. I look at the sun each morning and at the stars at night. Who put them there? Is there really a God looking after us? If so, why has he slowly taken everything I love from me? I am even afraid to love my own child too much, isn´t that ridiculous? I am afraid that if I love her with all my heart, she´ll be taken away.
I lived in San Francisco for nearly 5 years, that was my home. Amanda grew up there. I can´t believe the hospital is transferring me back to Chicago. Of all cities in the US, I had to end up in Chicago. I wonder if he still works there. I have spent the last 5 years trying to forget him, trying to move on. But when you have loved someone as much as I loved him, it is impossible to let him go.
"Mommy, where are we going?" asked Amanda, my five year old girl, as we were boarding the plane. She had her dad´s eyes. Everytime I looked at her, I could see him staring back at me.
"Mommy´s got a new job, so we have to move to another place" I said smiling, trying to hide my uncertainty and doubts "You´ll love it there!"
"I will? Why? I like it here. Do we have to move?" she asked me holding her favorite doll tight against her chest.
"Yes, angel, we have to" I said combing her hair with my fingers "Hey, remember how you have always wanted to play in the snow? Now you will be able to do so. We´ll get lots of snow there, and we´ll have a very nice house ..."
"And a puppy?" she asks bearing the sweetest smile I had ever seen.
I chuckled. I don´t think pets are allowed in our building, but how can I say no to that angelic face? "Yes, sweetie, and a puppy"
Why am I lying to her? We can´t get a dog. I can´t afford it and we will be living in a tiny place. Why did I have to tell her we´d be living in a nice house with puppies? I am doing exactly what I swore I would never do, I am promising things I can´t get her. I used to ask myself what was better a broken promise or a broken heart. I realize that when you break a promise, you are also breaking a heart.
I stared deep into space while I was lost in my own thoughts. Then, that moment six years ago came back to me.
"I´m not going anywhere" he had said. He promised he would never leave me, that he would stay by me whenever I need him. But he broke his promise and with that, he shattered my heart into pieces. He lied to me, just as I have lied to my daughter.
Mandy smiled and went back to hugging her doll "Mommy, are we almost there?"
I nodded and looked out from the window. All that greatness out there. That perfection.
I wonder if there is anything beyond the sky. I look at the sun each morning and at the stars at night. Who put them there? Is there really a God looking after us? If so, why has he slowly taken everything I love from me? I am even afraid to love my own child too much, isn´t that ridiculous? I am afraid that if I love her with all my heart, she´ll be taken away.
