TITLE: An Experiment
AUTHOR: Anansay
SUMMARY: Perhaps love can be approached as an experiment, to see what might happen.
RATING: PG
SPOILERS: None
"Just let me kiss you. Just let me hold you."
He stood before her, his body shaking beyond any means to control. Not anymore. Her words coursed through his body, landing with a rooting thump at the bottom of his heart. "I... can't."
"Why not? It's just a kiss." She took a step toward him and tilted her head. "Let's call it an experiment. I'll kiss you, touch your lips with mine and we'll see what happens. If you don't do anything or... if you do, we'll go from there."
The shaking didn't stop. She had tried to put it into a format he could understand and maybe even want to pursue but the fact remained, this was Sara. And if his lips were going to touch hers, he didn't know how he'd ever be able to come back.
His body was stiff, hard with tension. He couldn't take a step back or move forward. And Sara was still there, still standing in front of him, too close, and she was waiting. For an answer, an action, something.
When he didn't say anything, she moved forward entering his personal space in a quietly strong violating way. "Are you ready?"
"No," he breathed out in a huff. His breath was hitching in his chest, his heart pounding in his ears. Before he could think of anything else to say, to stop this madness, her lips were on his and they were soft.
They were so soft and sweet and gentle and caring and loving and not pushing at all. She wasn't pushing him, just letting them rest there, letting her savour the feel of his lips on hers. Her hand was resting on his waist by his hip. Nothing aggressive about that either, just a point of leverage.
Just two touches of her body-her lips and her hand-and he wasn't moving. He couldn't move. This was a methodical breaking down of everything he'd ever erected in his protection. This was sneaky and deceptive and yet he couldn't stop it. He couldn't move forward and he couldn't back away; neither option was working for him.
When she pulled away he saw for a tiny moment a flash of pain in her eyes before it was covered up and her eyes showed him nothing. She removed her hand and waited, never wavering her gaze.
Grissom didn't speak. He couldn't. What could he say?
"Well, at least you didn't pull away," is what Sara said. "Maybe there's hope." But her voice hitched just a tiny bit on the last word and Grissom felt another shattering in his soul.
She turned away from him and made for the door of his office. And even though she walked with her head up and her shoulders back, Grissom had known her far too long and spent far too much time watching her and studying her to know that her show of indifference was anything but. Her head was too high, her shoulders were too far back. Her pain was too evident for him to disregard. Not this time.
"Sara."
She stopped, but she didn't turn around. Grissom could only guess at why.
"You're right. At least I didn't pull away. I..." She didn't move. She didn't turn around. He swallowed and tried again. "Maybe a... a second experiment might help..."
Her shoulders relaxed, her head came down and she turned around. And Grissom knew why she hadn't before. Her eyes glistened with unshed tears, bright and glossy she stared at him, trying to stem the rising hope he saw in her eyes. "Another... experiment? I don't know, Griss. Only a fool repeats an experiment when he knows the outcome will be the same."
"Maybe it won't be."
"What if it is? I won't be a fool, Grissom."
"I've been the fool here, Sara."
Sara stared at him, trying not to blink and swallowing loudly. And Grissom knew that the second experiment would have to be initiated by him. She'd done the first - with disastrous results according to him. No, he'd have to do the second. He'd have to show he was willing, as willing as she was.
Before his bravado could wash away in a flood of second thoughts, he strode toward her and took her lips with his. It wasn't anything thought out, no hypotheses to really prove, no theories to ground. It was an impromptu experiment brought about by one simple suggestion.
And in the middle of it all he realized he'd just done what she wanted him to do so long ago. Let's see what happens. Now he knew what would happen: he'd lose all sense of propriety in the very space that was reserved for his professional side-his office.
Even as his hands came around to take hold of her head and keep her there... Even as his body pressed itself to hers in a bid for maximum contact... Even as he heard the moan between them and couldn't figure out whom it came from, he didn't pull away. He didn't stop. Didn't run away. Didn't hide in his office. He just kept kissing her, kept touching her with his body, because it was all he could do, it was all his mind would allow him to consider at this time.
Sara pulled away this time. With a gasp she yanked her head back and then brought it down, her eyes still closed, his hands still on her face, to rest against his forehead.
"Okay," she huffed, "So this time was different from last one." She pulled back and met his eyes. "So where do we go from here?"
Among the swirls of passion in her eyes he saw the edges of vigilance, slowly hardening them. He couldn't deny that it hurt him-this pain in her eyes-for he knew he'd been the cause of it.
Then an idea struck him. One so preposterous in his tiny organized world that he figured it must be the right one. At least where Sara was concerned. He allowed his eyes to crinkle just a tiny bit in hope before speaking. "How about we go to my place?"
And the look that passed over Sara's face was enough for him to know that beyond the shock of the invitation, it was the right thing to do. Finally.