Lily froze. Had she just said what she thought she said? It couldn't be.
She couldn't let anyone know.
Amy, being very wise, did not ask what I had meant.
"Are you alright?"
"Do you think I'm alright? Just say it! I'm a freak! I know that's what you're thinking right now!"
"But you're not a freak. Not to me."
I sighed. "I'm sorry. I just don't know how to deal with everything right now that's all. Don't take it personally."
She looked at me with timid eyes, like a squirrel wondering if it should trust a bear, "Would you like to talk about it?"
"No." I tore my bed hangings around my bed and took out my journal and wrote, like I always did.
Metamorphosis
I'm always changing,
A metamorphosis.
Forming into what people want me to be.
What have I become?
Why do I hide?
I want to fly like a butterfly,
Free from this heavy chain, that's
Holding me down.
I want to run, be free,
Without a care in the world.
What would life be like then?
I live in the shadow of doubt.
Things will never change,
I should know by now,
And yet, I feel, there's something more outside,
Outside these prison doors.
I need the key to unlock my misery.
So I too, can live free as can be.
What's underneath my skin,
Nobody knows, nor do I.
I dare not go,
Visit my horrid past,
It hurts me so, why can't you see that?
With my friends,
I'm just this cover-up.
There's more inside,
Yet nobody goes there,
They don't give me a chance.
I'm always changing,
Into what they think they see.
They don't know a thing about me.
I'm forever falling,
Never able to stand up.
Just falling, into nothing.
I often dream what's outside the walls of this hell,
Who can help me up?
Who can get me out?
I'm always changing.
A metamorphosis.
I delicately closed my journal. I peeked through my bed hangings to find Amy still there reading, although she didn't look like she was reading. Her mind was on something else. I wonder what she's thinking about? Is she thinking about what I said earlier? I thought.
"Amy? Do you really want to know me? I mean, the real me?" I said, wanting to just get everything out of me.
************* Her hand slapped across my face. Ouch. It stung bad. I fell to the floor. At least I know who the L.E. person is. Lily Evans. My heart stung more than my face. She had to go through all of that?
Sirius came over and helped me up.
"Prongs, man, are you okay?"
"Uh. yeah I'm fine."
"What the heck were you doing with Evan's diary?"
"Ummm. I found it lying around and I didn't know it was hers."
"Damn, she has a temper. It's just a journal jeez."
No. I thought. It's not just a journal. It's her innermost thoughts. Perhaps the closest thing she has to a friend. A true friend. I winced at this. She was so. so..intriguing but she was also a bit frightening.
"Hey Prongs play you a bit of chess?" asked Remus.
"Uh. yeah sure, I guess." I said reluctantly. He got out the board and the pieces and we played, me losing most of them since I wasn't really concentrating.
"Ha! I win again! Want to play another game? Prongs? Hello? Prongs?"
"Hmmm? Oh, um no, I think I'm done for tonight. Let's go get some dinner. I'm starved."
"That's the best idea I've heard yet." Said Sirius.
We all walked down to the Great Hall together.
************* "What do you mean?" asked Amy.
"I mean, do you want to know me? The real true me?" I asked nearly frustrated.
"Ummm.. Okay.." Amy said hesitantly.
I sighed. Here goes nothing I thought.
"Okay. Here goes. When I was just five, my mom died. My dad used to be such a nice dad. After my mom died, he lost almost all hope. He told us, meaning my twin Rose and my older sister Petunia, that as long as we were here together with him, he would be the best dad he could.
"When I was six, Rose died. I killed her. Not on purpose. I would never kill Rose on purpose." Amy nodded understandingly at this.
"We had been playing on the street and.and.a drunk driver hit.hit.Rose. I blame it on myself because I had dragged her out to play with me, even though she had cancer." Tears sprang up in my eyes and I couldn't go on. Amy rushed over to me and hugged me.
She had been crying with me. I felt horrible with what I just said, but my chest felt lighter. We embraced each other for a while and then I continued.
"When my dad found out, he was so angry, he wouldn't look at me for days. And when he finally did, all he had in his eyes was hatred. Pure hatred. And all he could do was beat me and.."
"Stop." Amy said, pure misery in her voice. "Don't go any further. I can't take it. I'm sorry, but I can't help you with this. It's too sad." She was crying harder than I had ever seen her cry before.
I felt misery again. I thought that for once, I could get this off my chest and breathe. I thought that if I just let it go, it would go away. But it didn't. It never would.
All of a sudden I was angry. I was angry at Amy and everybody else in this damned world.
"Oh I'm glad that if you can't take it, you can just say stop! Well guess what?!? There are those who can't! There are those who suffer while you just say stop to all of this! There are those who can't even look at their fathers or who can't even look at their past! People like me! You don't have to go through this! I do! You have a loving family! I don't! And while I'm getting beat and suffering, you're just going to say stop! I'm sick and tired of this world!"
With that I took my journal and ran off to the Great Hall. I was so angry I got lost.
"Damn it!!" With that I punched the wall, later regretting it because it hurt.
"Now, now, what did the wall ever do to you?"
************* "Hey Prongs what's up? And don't say nothing, because I know something's up."
"It's just this.friend I know, she's got some problems."
"Ohhhh. A girl is it? Who?"
"Shut up Padfoot! It's not like that." Or is it? I thought. "Anyways, I don't know what to do."
"Prongs, we're going to need more info than that. I mean, we don't even know how serious the problems are." Said Remus reasonably.
"Just. nevermind."
I noticed Peter didn't have any say in this. He usually never did. He was just there to be there.
"I got to go. I'll see you guys later." I said.
"But you hardly ate anything!" said Sirius.
"I'm not hungry."
"Okay then."
I walked off, not really going anywhere. I can't take it! Why's she bothering me so much? Am I starting to like her? How can I reach to her? I need to get to her somehow.
Just then I saw Lily punch the wall. She had so much force.
"Now, now, what did the wall ever do to you?" the portrait behind her said.
"Nothing. I was just taking my anger out on it." Lily mumbled.
"Why would you be angry? Such a beautiful girl like you." The portrait of an elderly woman asked.
"There's more that meets the eye." Lily said.
"Ah, I see. You're troubled. Come on in my room. It's very relaxing." The portrait swung open. Lily reluctantly walked in.
"Thank you." She mumbled.
As the portrait closed, I walked up to it.
"Excuse me. I'm looking for a girl with red hair and green eyes. Have you seen her around?" I said, not knowing a better excuse to get inside.
"Why do you ask?" She asked sharply.
"Well.uh.. I'm her partner in one of the classes and we need to finish our homework." I said, hoping she would buy it.
"Very well then. Come on through." She said cheerily.
I walked into an amazing room that was a bit smaller than the Great Hall with absolutely nothing in it except the big chandelier hanging from the ceiling. I looked around and saw Lily, once again dancing away to music from and unknown source. I watched with amusement as she danced beautifully across the room. She didn't seem to notice me but just kept on dancing.
"Do you always dance when you're distressed?" I finally asked her.
She jumped at the sound of my voice. She looked around and finally noticed me where I was.
"What do you want? How did you get in here? How long have you been watching me?" She shot questions at me.
"You answer my question and I'll answer all of yours." I said.
"Yes I do. And how would you know I always dance when I'm distressed if you've only seen me this time?" She added.
"First things first. I just came in here because I noticed you came in here and I was curious. Second, the old lady let me in and third I've watched you for about fifteen minutes. Oh yes and fourth I saw you try to commit suicide."
Her eyes widened at this. "How did you see my try to commit suicide when no one was there?"
"I have my ways." I answered back.
"My turn. Why are you always distressed?" I asked, even though I partly knew the answer because I read her diary, I still wanted to hear it from her.
She looked at me like I was a cat that was getting ready to pounce. "You should know. You read my journal." She replied with venom.
"Ah yes that. I just found it where you had left it after you tried to commit suicide. I did not know that it was yours. Even though I had read it, it wasn't clear."
She said nothing but just continued staring at me. I stared back. It was a staring contest and we silently agreed that if she won, she would tell me and if I lost, I would forget the question.
Her eyes were beautiful, but they were cold and hollow. I felt myself drowning in her eyes and had to save myself. I looked away and she had a look of triumph on her face.
"Why don't you just tell anyone? Just let go!" I yelled. It echoed off the walls.
She looked startled and then she softened. " Number one: I've tried to. I really did. But she couldn't bear it. I couldn't either. And number two: I wouldn't tell you if my life depended on it." I winced at these words.
As we were talking I was getting closer and closer. Finally, we were just a few feet away.
Once again, silence. We just made small talk not really getting anywhere.
"You're beautiful." I whispered.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
That's it! I finished! WOOHOO! Thank you. Thank you thank you. Hope you like it. And please review. I need and energy booster.
-KitKatAS-
Amy, being very wise, did not ask what I had meant.
"Are you alright?"
"Do you think I'm alright? Just say it! I'm a freak! I know that's what you're thinking right now!"
"But you're not a freak. Not to me."
I sighed. "I'm sorry. I just don't know how to deal with everything right now that's all. Don't take it personally."
She looked at me with timid eyes, like a squirrel wondering if it should trust a bear, "Would you like to talk about it?"
"No." I tore my bed hangings around my bed and took out my journal and wrote, like I always did.
Metamorphosis
I'm always changing,
A metamorphosis.
Forming into what people want me to be.
What have I become?
Why do I hide?
I want to fly like a butterfly,
Free from this heavy chain, that's
Holding me down.
I want to run, be free,
Without a care in the world.
What would life be like then?
I live in the shadow of doubt.
Things will never change,
I should know by now,
And yet, I feel, there's something more outside,
Outside these prison doors.
I need the key to unlock my misery.
So I too, can live free as can be.
What's underneath my skin,
Nobody knows, nor do I.
I dare not go,
Visit my horrid past,
It hurts me so, why can't you see that?
With my friends,
I'm just this cover-up.
There's more inside,
Yet nobody goes there,
They don't give me a chance.
I'm always changing,
Into what they think they see.
They don't know a thing about me.
I'm forever falling,
Never able to stand up.
Just falling, into nothing.
I often dream what's outside the walls of this hell,
Who can help me up?
Who can get me out?
I'm always changing.
A metamorphosis.
I delicately closed my journal. I peeked through my bed hangings to find Amy still there reading, although she didn't look like she was reading. Her mind was on something else. I wonder what she's thinking about? Is she thinking about what I said earlier? I thought.
"Amy? Do you really want to know me? I mean, the real me?" I said, wanting to just get everything out of me.
************* Her hand slapped across my face. Ouch. It stung bad. I fell to the floor. At least I know who the L.E. person is. Lily Evans. My heart stung more than my face. She had to go through all of that?
Sirius came over and helped me up.
"Prongs, man, are you okay?"
"Uh. yeah I'm fine."
"What the heck were you doing with Evan's diary?"
"Ummm. I found it lying around and I didn't know it was hers."
"Damn, she has a temper. It's just a journal jeez."
No. I thought. It's not just a journal. It's her innermost thoughts. Perhaps the closest thing she has to a friend. A true friend. I winced at this. She was so. so..intriguing but she was also a bit frightening.
"Hey Prongs play you a bit of chess?" asked Remus.
"Uh. yeah sure, I guess." I said reluctantly. He got out the board and the pieces and we played, me losing most of them since I wasn't really concentrating.
"Ha! I win again! Want to play another game? Prongs? Hello? Prongs?"
"Hmmm? Oh, um no, I think I'm done for tonight. Let's go get some dinner. I'm starved."
"That's the best idea I've heard yet." Said Sirius.
We all walked down to the Great Hall together.
************* "What do you mean?" asked Amy.
"I mean, do you want to know me? The real true me?" I asked nearly frustrated.
"Ummm.. Okay.." Amy said hesitantly.
I sighed. Here goes nothing I thought.
"Okay. Here goes. When I was just five, my mom died. My dad used to be such a nice dad. After my mom died, he lost almost all hope. He told us, meaning my twin Rose and my older sister Petunia, that as long as we were here together with him, he would be the best dad he could.
"When I was six, Rose died. I killed her. Not on purpose. I would never kill Rose on purpose." Amy nodded understandingly at this.
"We had been playing on the street and.and.a drunk driver hit.hit.Rose. I blame it on myself because I had dragged her out to play with me, even though she had cancer." Tears sprang up in my eyes and I couldn't go on. Amy rushed over to me and hugged me.
She had been crying with me. I felt horrible with what I just said, but my chest felt lighter. We embraced each other for a while and then I continued.
"When my dad found out, he was so angry, he wouldn't look at me for days. And when he finally did, all he had in his eyes was hatred. Pure hatred. And all he could do was beat me and.."
"Stop." Amy said, pure misery in her voice. "Don't go any further. I can't take it. I'm sorry, but I can't help you with this. It's too sad." She was crying harder than I had ever seen her cry before.
I felt misery again. I thought that for once, I could get this off my chest and breathe. I thought that if I just let it go, it would go away. But it didn't. It never would.
All of a sudden I was angry. I was angry at Amy and everybody else in this damned world.
"Oh I'm glad that if you can't take it, you can just say stop! Well guess what?!? There are those who can't! There are those who suffer while you just say stop to all of this! There are those who can't even look at their fathers or who can't even look at their past! People like me! You don't have to go through this! I do! You have a loving family! I don't! And while I'm getting beat and suffering, you're just going to say stop! I'm sick and tired of this world!"
With that I took my journal and ran off to the Great Hall. I was so angry I got lost.
"Damn it!!" With that I punched the wall, later regretting it because it hurt.
"Now, now, what did the wall ever do to you?"
************* "Hey Prongs what's up? And don't say nothing, because I know something's up."
"It's just this.friend I know, she's got some problems."
"Ohhhh. A girl is it? Who?"
"Shut up Padfoot! It's not like that." Or is it? I thought. "Anyways, I don't know what to do."
"Prongs, we're going to need more info than that. I mean, we don't even know how serious the problems are." Said Remus reasonably.
"Just. nevermind."
I noticed Peter didn't have any say in this. He usually never did. He was just there to be there.
"I got to go. I'll see you guys later." I said.
"But you hardly ate anything!" said Sirius.
"I'm not hungry."
"Okay then."
I walked off, not really going anywhere. I can't take it! Why's she bothering me so much? Am I starting to like her? How can I reach to her? I need to get to her somehow.
Just then I saw Lily punch the wall. She had so much force.
"Now, now, what did the wall ever do to you?" the portrait behind her said.
"Nothing. I was just taking my anger out on it." Lily mumbled.
"Why would you be angry? Such a beautiful girl like you." The portrait of an elderly woman asked.
"There's more that meets the eye." Lily said.
"Ah, I see. You're troubled. Come on in my room. It's very relaxing." The portrait swung open. Lily reluctantly walked in.
"Thank you." She mumbled.
As the portrait closed, I walked up to it.
"Excuse me. I'm looking for a girl with red hair and green eyes. Have you seen her around?" I said, not knowing a better excuse to get inside.
"Why do you ask?" She asked sharply.
"Well.uh.. I'm her partner in one of the classes and we need to finish our homework." I said, hoping she would buy it.
"Very well then. Come on through." She said cheerily.
I walked into an amazing room that was a bit smaller than the Great Hall with absolutely nothing in it except the big chandelier hanging from the ceiling. I looked around and saw Lily, once again dancing away to music from and unknown source. I watched with amusement as she danced beautifully across the room. She didn't seem to notice me but just kept on dancing.
"Do you always dance when you're distressed?" I finally asked her.
She jumped at the sound of my voice. She looked around and finally noticed me where I was.
"What do you want? How did you get in here? How long have you been watching me?" She shot questions at me.
"You answer my question and I'll answer all of yours." I said.
"Yes I do. And how would you know I always dance when I'm distressed if you've only seen me this time?" She added.
"First things first. I just came in here because I noticed you came in here and I was curious. Second, the old lady let me in and third I've watched you for about fifteen minutes. Oh yes and fourth I saw you try to commit suicide."
Her eyes widened at this. "How did you see my try to commit suicide when no one was there?"
"I have my ways." I answered back.
"My turn. Why are you always distressed?" I asked, even though I partly knew the answer because I read her diary, I still wanted to hear it from her.
She looked at me like I was a cat that was getting ready to pounce. "You should know. You read my journal." She replied with venom.
"Ah yes that. I just found it where you had left it after you tried to commit suicide. I did not know that it was yours. Even though I had read it, it wasn't clear."
She said nothing but just continued staring at me. I stared back. It was a staring contest and we silently agreed that if she won, she would tell me and if I lost, I would forget the question.
Her eyes were beautiful, but they were cold and hollow. I felt myself drowning in her eyes and had to save myself. I looked away and she had a look of triumph on her face.
"Why don't you just tell anyone? Just let go!" I yelled. It echoed off the walls.
She looked startled and then she softened. " Number one: I've tried to. I really did. But she couldn't bear it. I couldn't either. And number two: I wouldn't tell you if my life depended on it." I winced at these words.
As we were talking I was getting closer and closer. Finally, we were just a few feet away.
Once again, silence. We just made small talk not really getting anywhere.
"You're beautiful." I whispered.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
That's it! I finished! WOOHOO! Thank you. Thank you thank you. Hope you like it. And please review. I need and energy booster.
-KitKatAS-